Weekly forecast for June 4

Aries: Those who say you can’t have too much of a good thing have never experienced your holiday weekend hangover. Next time they mention it, throw up in their wastebasket.

Taurus: All the world’s a stage, and you’re locked in the dressing room again. Grab that paper clip and jimmy the lock before you miss your big break, otherwise people will think you have stage fright.

Gemini: Success is in the cards for you this week. If everything doesn’t come up aces, maybe you just need a bigger deck.

Cancer: Sure, you can promise the moon and the stars as long as you don’t have a spaceship. On Wednesday, someone makes the impossible happen, but you may not have the cajones to back up those big words. Hide under the desk until they go away.

Leo: Life isn’t about who has the most toys, it’s about all the people who come along and break them while you’re still playing. Do what every kid does: hide the good ones until the riffraff clear out.

Virgo: Take a step in the right direction. Heck, take a step in the wrong one. Just move so the pigeons will quit crapping all over you.

Libra: Knowing what you want is good. Knowing how to get it better. Talking someone into bringing it to you while you relax? That’s best of all. Prop your feet up and get the job done.

Scorpio: If you knew what others were thinking, you would be concerned. If they knew what you’re thinking, they’d be finding a deep hole to hide in. Give them a hint with a smile and a fistful of ‘Change of Address’ forms.

Sagittarius: You have the potential to do anything you want to do, but Karma doesn’t always say you’ll be successful at it. Go ahead, make those little Burt Reynolds figurines out of clay and cast-off dog hair. As long as it makes you happy and you take your medication, it’s all good.

Capricorn: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of it means you’ll know who will win the election, the Super Bowl and ‘American Idol.’ Sounds like someone has some bets to place.

Aquarius: If you keep spinning your wheels, it’s time to get out and take a look at what’s holding you back. Maybe all you need is to throw a few useless idiots under the bus so you can finally get some traction.

Pisces: Sometimes all you need in life is a well-stocked vending machine and a quiet place to think. The universe is a bit short on vending machines right now, but it can throw a little cash your way so you can stock up on Cheesy Poofs.

 

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Zombie Tarot Giveaway!

One week from today marks the release of the new Zombie Tarot deck by author  Stacey Graham and artist Paul Kepple from Quirk Books, and we’re celebrating with a contest! You can win your own Zombie Tarot deck! Use it to freak out Muggles with a fortune-telling booth at the local P.T.O. fundraising fair or just enjoy doing your own readings with the coolest deck on the block.

It’s easy to enter: just share a zombie apocalypse survival tip in the comments below. Each tip is one entry, although if your tip is truly original and funny, you’ll get a bonus entry. You can also score additional entries by tweeting about the contest and mentioning that tweet below.

The deadline for entries is midnight PST, Tuesday, June 5. U.S. residents only, since I’m shipping this bad boy out myself. A winner will be selected at random from all entries, so the more you have, the better your chances! The winner will receive an unopened Zombie Tarot deck, so hardcore tarot fans don’t have to worry about receiving a previously reviewed or handled deck.

Ready to win? Bring on those zombie survival tips!

Weekly forecast for May 28

Aries: A shadow falls over your professional life on Thursday. Offer it a hand up and apologize, because your messy career is scattered everywhere. If you’re lucky, the specter won’t sue.

Taurus: What’s tougher than a rock and a hard place? Quicksand. Quit flailing around and use your mental Viagra, because once you dig out of this pit, you’ll face some stiff competition.

Gemini: You’re in the eye of the hurricane this week, and things still seem foggy and out-of-focus. Trust you to find the only natural disaster that requires contact lenses.

Cancer: Not every open door is an opportunity; check to see what’s inside before you end up walking in while someone’s on the toilet. Forget about embarrassing them, that experience will put you off chili for a month.

Leo: You’ve climbed the corporate ladder so fast, you’re catching up to the guys who add the rungs. Give them a $20 and tell them to take a break, because you’re just going to walk on the clouds for a while.

Virgo: You’re re-energized for the challenges ahead. Too bad you’re set for American outlets and your situation requires British power. Next time, just convert to wind power, because every country has plenty of hot air if you turn on the TV.

Libra: Do you know what your problem is? If not, there’s at least five people standing nearby who will be thrilled to tell you. Tell them to taking a flying leap out of a closed window, because right now things are good.

Scorpio: To make an omelet you have to break a few eggs. Unfortunately, you’re squaring off against one mad henhouse. You’d better soothe those ruffled feathers before they gang up on you and call you a dumbcluck.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t always about the good times, no matter what the sitcoms say. Sometimes the universe just wants to know how you’ll handle the bad. Put on those oven mitts and serve up your troubles ranchero-style, with beans.

Capricorn: You’re about as hip as a pair of parachute pants, but you still have a few moves. Lay down the Hammer and don’t hurt ‘em if they want to touch this. They know they can’t.

Aquarius: It’s all fun and games this week until someone finds an eye. Then it really gets fun with a wicked game of “I Spy” until the zombies stagger in. Who knew they were so possessive of detachable body parts?

Pisces: The world is your playground, and you’ve spent way too many hours on the seesaw. Rest your saddle sores and go dangle from the monkey bars for a while, that’s where all the cool apes hang out.

 

 

Weekly forecast for May 21

Aries: If you get your hands dirty but keep your nose clean, you’re either doing something right or you have a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer in your back pocket. Stock up, because there’s a lot of hard work ahead.

Taurus: Go through life thinking you know all the answers, and the universe will just bump you up to a harder level in the game. Quit looking for cheat codes and enjoy the mystery for a while.

Gemini: You’ve been screwed around more than a zombie caught in a light socket. Get out of a bad commitment before someone throws the switch.

Cancer: Sometimes there’s a kernel of good luck in the middle of that crapola cupcake, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it to find your fortune. Get a stick or bribe a kid to reach in there.

Leo: Some days you get a headlock, other days you get a golf clap. While you may not always get the feedback you wanted, at least someone’s listening. A few pins in their chair will give you the standing ovation you crave.

Virgo: You may have a chain on your wallet, but your heart is just perching there on your sleeve. Get some Velcro, glue stick or a staple gun; otherwise, you’ll be putting up “Lost” posters all over town.

Libra: Not everyone can run with the best and the brightest. Someone has to be friends with a crayon-eater and the guy who lights his farts on YouTube. Keep your friends around, because they’re not smart enough to run when you ask them to help you move.

Scorpio: Find the beauty in ever y day, like your nasty co-worker spilling coffee on her blouse, or they guy who stole your parking space getting a flat tire. Not that you have anything to do with these random moments. Nope, not at all.

Sagittarius: The devil is in the details, and right now he’s hiding in that Terms of Use Agreement you just clicked on to get free porn. Hope you enjoy being the booty call for some hopped-up orangutans, because those Internet contracts are solid.

Capricorn: Laugh and the world laughs with you; scream in the middle of Walmart and you get a free mental exam and a night’s stay in the looney bin.  At least the straitjackets go with the pajamas you wore into the store.

Aquarius: Following your heart this week is like giving yourself a bikini wax with paper mache: it’s messy and will be hard in all the wrong places. Do a little research before you turn your junk into a birthday piñata.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime may begin with a single step, but there’s nothing in the rulebooks about hitching a ride with some sweetie in a convertible. You’ve pounded the pavement long enough. It’s time to ride in style.

 

Weekly forecast for May 14

Aries: The moment you’ve dreamed of will appear on Thursday. Unfortunately, you will be napping at your desk and miss it completely. There will be a moment available on Friday, but only if you have a coupon and the secret sales code from the Internet.

Taurus: Time heals all wounds, but tequila is the Band-Aid that keeps you from picking at it until the healing is done. It can also provide you with nifty new scars that will start conversations for years to come.

Gemini: Be ready to face your fears this week, and not the pretty, airheaded ones you tell people about; these inner demons are uglier than your spring break rash, and ready to pop from your psyche like a crazed jack in the box. A determined attitude and a box of Depends will help.

Cancer: Wednesday will be like the prize in your cereal; it looks nothing like you pictured it, but at least you’re getting something for free.

Leo: You know what they say: people who live in glass houses should really invest in some curtains. Hide a few of your own secrets behind the drapes so you can spare someone some bare-butt naked truth this week.

Virgo: You are a shining example to others, but you would be more fun if you took that giant glowstick out of your butt. Do it in private, though. Sometimes no one wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Libra: A smile can get you out of a lot of trouble, but some well-timed cleavage can get you out of even more. Use the power wisely, though, because trouble does love a good rack.

Scorpio: Take a good, long look in the mirror. If you don’t like what you see, do some spring cleaning. That mirror’s so dirty, your reflection is sticking to the corners.

Sagittarius: If you’re overshadowed by someone else’s success, drag a few spotlights over to your side of the stage. You’ll either get applause or a tan. You can use both, so it’s a win/win.

Capricorn: Bad news: the security cameras will catch you dropping your pants in front of the time clock. Good news:  after you’re fired, you’ll receive an offer for a new career in adult entertainment. Stock up on penicillin and wet wipes.

Aquarius: After Saturday night, you will never be tempted to cover a body part in peanut butter again. You’ll also discover that cheese isn’t always a mouse’s first choice for a quick nibble.

Pisces: Don’t bother telling anyone you’ve turned over a new leaf. You’ve done it so often, your particular tree looks like a green whirling dervish. The bright side? Your indecision may one day provide a small city with clean, eco-friendly energy.

Weekly forecast for May 7

Aries: You think you have a rocket in your pocket, but your sweetie knows it’s a dud. Do something special tonight, like taping a sparkler between your butt cheeks. That will liven up the dinner conversation.

Taurus: When life gives you lemons, it usually also gives you a knife as well, so you can slice those suckers up for glasses of iced tea. Sometimes in the universe you’re the waiter, sometimes the waitee; just be glad you’re not in the karmic unemployment line.

Gemini: Your time has come to shine like the star you are! Be glamorous, be witty, but don’t leak any sex tapes just yet. Provide your own mystery, don’t rely on black bars across your televised bits to do the job.

Cancer: A good bout of soul-searching should be about exploring your inner depth, not whistling to find it like a lost poodle. Next time, keep a leash on that thing, plus a pooper-scooper for when you next step in it.

Leo: Relaxation takes time. Stop and smell the roses, don’t shove them up your nose and snort like an allergic horse. If you really want to slow down time, watch some golf on TV.

Virgo: You’ll encounter a sticky situation at work on Thursday. Maybe if you were nicer to the interns, they wouldn’t use so much Super Glue on the toilet seat. Buy them coffee and bran muffins; that will give them a reason to pry you off.

Libra: Someone wants to keep your wild Wednesday nights on the down low. You can tell them you don’t kiss and tell, but you made no promises about tweeting, texting or updating your Facebook status, so fly your freak flag all over the Internet until you see some diamonds.

Scorpio: You’ve been feeling like the parrot on a pirate ship, and the cook’s giving you the eye. Do some fast squawking to save your tail feathers or you could end up sizzled on the plank with onions and potatoes.

Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, but the stuff you really want takes lots of cash. You can pin your hopes on that lottery ticket, or practice saying “Would you like fries with that?” Either way, you’ll have to smile like you mean it.

Capricorn: You’re like Iron Man at a fembot convention: this week, it’s going to be hard to keep you down. Stay lubricated and pace yourself so those batteries don’t putter out.

Aquarius: It’s fine to reach for the stars, but you’ll get a lot farther if you build a spaceship. Even with dreams, it’s all about location, location, location. And aliens in gold metal bikinis.

Pisces: Your classic approach to failure just got a trendy reboot, so expect some surprises and maybe even a success or two. Got to keep the audience in suspense so they’ll keep watching you.

Celebrate Paranormal Day with Stacey Graham and Ghosties!

What? A post in the middle of the week that features no horoscopes? Yes, friends, we interrupt your regularly scheduled blogcast to bring you a special announcement. Friend of Wisecrack Zodiac and zombie queen Stacey Graham has just released a new book, THE GIRLS’ GHOST HUNTING GUIDE.

Stacey has more than 20 years of ghost-hunting experience, and it shows in this funny and informative book. The book is aimed at kids, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I’m old enough to choose my own damn bedtime, thank you very much. Since today ( May 3) is Paranormal Day, a holiday where you can celebrate all the wild and wonderful energy of the universe, drop by Stacey’s website for all the lowdown on the book! Stay tuned, because next month her Zombie Tarot pack will be released by Quirk Books, and I’m planning a giveaway!

Still don’t feel right without a horoscope in this post? Oh, all right. Because you’re all special.

Today’s horoscope: There’s a fire in your eyes this afternoon. Either you’re wickedly inspired, or you’ve ended up in the clutches of a mad scientist again. You really should stop answering those Craigslist personal ads.

Weekly forecast for April 30

Aries: You usually start out on the road to success, but you end up taking a left at Albuquerque and having adventures with a wacky rabbit. This time, stay on the right path and avoid Tasmanian Devils.

Taurus: You’ve been mugged by love so often, whenever you hear the theme from ‘Dirty Dancing’ you automatically hand over your wallet. Your heart is ready to give it another go, so rent a safety deposit box before you fall head over heels.

Gemini: Personal injustices are piling up at your doorstep like bad guys in an action movie. You’ve tried to be reasonable, so go ahead and summon your inner Chuck Norris to whip those unfair bits of life into quivering blobs of surrendering goo.

Cancer: You knew life wasn’t going to be a rose garden, but you didn’t expect it to be full of medical waste and decomposing dirty diapers, either. Clean up your act; sowing those wild oats rarely lead to wildflowers.

Leo: All work and no play makes Jack ready to climb a clock tower with a high-powered weapon. If you refuse to take a day off, at least make your boomstick of choice a Nerf gun.

Virgo: No one likes a good joke more than you, and that’s why you should be open to new friendships this week. The people you meet will be dim but hilarious. Write down everything they do and you’ll have a bestseller in a few months.

Libra: Some days you’re the fly-swatter, some days you’re the fly, and a few days you’re all made obsolete by a giant truck of Raid. Don’t worry, there’s enough bullcrap in your life to attract some buzzing attention and balance things out again.

Scorpio: Avoid men with limps on Thursday. They could be eccentric doctors with drug problems or just don’t know when to walk around open manholes.

Sagittarius: You have the opportunity to make some real money on Tuesday, which is good, because the gas station won’t take that Monopoly cash any more. It’s rather surprising you were able to buy Slim Jims and Red Bull with it for so long.

Capricorn: Not every problem in your life should be manhandled like George Takei at a party. Sometimes a solution needs to be wooed and courted, maybe bought some dinner. Just keep your tongue in your own mouth and everything will work out fine.

Aquarius: The Rolling Stones are right, you can’t always get what you want. Of course, since they’re multi-millionaires, they don’t have a lot of experience with that. Keep fighting to get what you need and you’ll be blessed with everything you don’t want or need.

Pisces: You’ve kept peddling through life for so long, you could beat Lance Armstrong with one ball tied behind your back. Pull those huevos up, because you’ll need them to make some progress this week.

 

Weekly forecast for April 23

Aries: What you’ve been doing with the Velcro, an emu and your hand mirror isn’t a hobby, it’s a cry for help. Have your meds adjusted before that big bird shows you who’s boss.

Taurus: On Tuesday, the universe is your frenemy. Smile while it compliments your outfit, just watch out for any snarky comments about your rear end while your back is turned. Of course, with that butt, how would you know?

Gemini: Stomp all you want, but you won’t get your way. Once karma sees your temper tantrum, you’ll be in a cosmic time out while everyone else enjoys free ice cream and unicorn rides.

Cancer: Just because someone believes the sun shines out your butt doesn’t mean you should show them a full moon. Keep that eclipse going in your pants and stay mysterious.

Leo: Get that giant cup ready, because you’ve been slamming quarters into that slot machine for days and you’re just one cherry away from immense satisfaction. Once you feel the payoff, put it back in and let it ride.Cha-ching, baby.

Virgo: No one will ever see your moments of quiet desperation, because your complaints are louder than a screech owl singing Lady Gaga. If you’re not in pain when making those sounds, you soon will be when your co-workers catch up to you.

Libra: So your idea for the Ham-n-Cheese Snuggie didn’t work. Don’t give up! The world may beat down your door for your next big project, the Pizza Roll Pillow. Never underestimate the laziness of a culture too winded to make it to the fridge.

Scorpio: If someone tells you to get back on the horse, quit taking their dating advice immediately. Mr. Ed may be lovely company, but neigh means neigh.

Sagittarius: Some unexpected cash will flow into your day tomorrow; catch it before it circles the drain and leaves you not so high and way too dry.

Capricorn: What we used to call “life’s failures” are now known as “teaching moments.” Wear your best school clothes on Wednesday, because you’re going to be the new textbook in class. If you’re lucky, no one will draw obscene pictures on you until lunch.

Aquarius: There’s a difference between looking on the bright side and realizing it’s actually just the dark side on fire. If you learn how to tell them apart, your hair won’t smell like smoke on Friday. Hopefully you’ll still have eyebrows.

Pisces: You think you’re a DaVinci Code Sudoku: deep, complex and meaningful. Get over yourself.  You’re more like the puzzles on a fast food restaurant place mat. All you’re missing are the crayons.

Weekly forecast for April 16

Aries:  Your best days aren’t behind you, they’re just keeping their distance because you’ve been a butthead lately. Coax them over with some cupcakes and sweet words.

Taurus: That butt must be stuck in a jam, because jelly don’t shake like that. Extract yourself from this sticky situation as soon as you have the bread to do it.

Gemini: When Opportunity doesn’t knock, sometimes you have to go over to its house and stand outside while holding a boom box over your head. If Opportunity refuses to come out, maybe you’ll get its freewheeling sister, Sure Thing.

Cancer: Not everything is about you; occasionally the universe has to take a break from your particular reality show for station identification. Remember that on Thursday, and don’t pout if you can’t hear the canned applause on cue.

Leo: You’re smarter than the average bear, so why not come out of that cave already? A fully-stocked, wi-fi-enabled hole in the ground can’t compete with chasing a few scared locals around the forest. That’s entertainment.

Virgo: You’re clutching that baggage so tightly, your knuckles are turning purple. Let it go. Life is a meandering path, you’re sure to pick up more crap along the way.

Libra: Someone’s shaking your tree for answers, but if they’re not careful, they’ll just get a couple of nuts to the face. Let’s hope they’re not careful, because you need the laugh.

Scorpio: Yes, you have a lot on your plate. Don’t eat faster, just grab one of those big cafeteria trays and stack on more dishes. This is a time to enjoy the buffet, not whine about your diet.

Sagittarius: When they say the best things in life are free, they don’t mean fancy cars and expensive watches. They’re talking about the simple pleasures of seeing someone be a total douchbag, then tripping their ass as they walk by. Remember that on Friday.

Capricorn: You won’t believe your luck on Tuesday. Pinch yourself if you have to, but don’t pass up the chance for a stellar reward when Karma drops its wallet on the sidewalk.

Aquarius: Yes, you are a special snowflake, but if you land on the right tongue on Sunday, you won’t mind melting into a satisfied puddle. Be sure of your aim, though; you don’t want to go up someone’s nose.

Pisces: Steel-toed boots and a good beyotch-slap will be your weapons for a better day on Saturday. Use both freely on those people who believe you’re a pushover. Just think of it as a way to show your truth, love and light on their crazy asses.