Weekly forecast for May 20

Aries: Your mind is overloaded this week, and it’s making your brain cells pop like bubble wrap. Take a break and do something that doesn’t require thought, like watching the E! Network.

Taurus: When it comes to love, it’s the little things your sweetie does to catch your attention. Like placing scorpions in your underwear drawer. Better find out what you did wrong, and get some flowers immediately.

Gemini: Some things even your famed charm can’t fix. You’ll have to dig deep and dust off that mint condition can of sincerity if you want to sweeten up someone’s day. Wow, you should occasionally run a broom through that emotional basement.

Cancer: Life can’t be all lollipops and roses. Sometimes it’s clearance jelly beans that taste like plastic Easter grass and poison ivy. Swirl that sad candy in some vodka, and you’ll forget to scratch your welts for a while.

Leo: You can run but you can’t hide from your feelings, even when you try to bury your widening butt in that half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream. Put down the spoon and pick up the phone. And don’t order another pizza, we’re on to you.

Virgo: Put down the screwdriver and duct tape, because this time you can’t fix that problem for someone in your life. Just accept who they are. Besides, they still walk funny from that time with the monkey wrench.

Libra: Freedom is more than sitting naked on the white vinyl couch; it’s also about where the paper towels and spray cleaner is stored and when your sweetie is expected home. True freedom comes from not getting kicked out to the dog house again.

Scorpio: Tuesday is shaping up to be your lucky day, unless it forgets to wear its Spanx, and then Wednesday will be the day. Definitely. Or Thursday. Depends if there’s Mexican food for lunch.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to meet every challenge. Some you can just text or e-mail. If you really want to impress, send a postcard.

Capricorn: When everything is dark all around you, it’s time to rely on a higher power. Good thing you installed that solar panel on the roof, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to Facebook your way through the blackout.

Aquarius: This weekend will be a blur of glitter-soaked bagel deliveries, ditch-digging in a tuxedo and touching batteries to your tongue for nickels. You really should have read the fine print in your iTunes User Agreement.

Pisces: Not only are you putting the cart before the horse, you’re not even near the barn. Get your life in the right order, and your pimped-out chariot will be cruising down the road in no time.

Weekly forecast for May 13

Aries: Some days you jump willingly into the ball pit, other days you’re pushed. One thing’s clear: you’ll have a lot of balls in your face. Wear goggles.

Taurus: You’re so slow to burn, some may think your pilot light’s out. A co-worker fans your flames on Friday. Try not to scorch the walls when your temper finally goes; otherwise, you’ll need to pony up for fresh paint.

Gemini: Your analytical side tackles a problem at work. When the boss finally notices your efforts, however, your mood changes and you staple his pants to the photocopier. At least you still make Employee of the Month.

Cancer: When you have a bad day, count your blessings. Your kids aren’t in jail anymore, there’s wine in the fridge and the dog finally passed the TV remote after eating it a few days ago. Grab some wet wipes, find your fave show and realize it doesn’t get any better than this.

Leo: An offer to share the spotlight is generous, especially for you. However, not everyone clamors to be a star, despite what reality TV says. Double your sunscreen and jump back into the glare because it’s all about you, baby.

Virgo: A new puzzle intrigues you on Thursday, and you drop everything until you figure it out. Once your sweetie sees the attention you lavish on this, expect to see a lot of Sudoku-printed sexy underwear in the bedroom.

Libra: No one promised you a rose garden, but with all the sarcastic friends life gave you, it could send you an aloe vera plant to deal with those burns. Grab some bandages and a dictionary if you want to get even.

Scorpio: The worst in your day will often bring the best out in you. You’ll either shine like a diamond, or just run into the back room and be a blubbering mess. Either way, have some ice cream on hand. Ice cream goes with anything.

Sagittarius: You’re tired of ‘steady as she goes.’ You want to rock the boat. Take a life preserver, because that water is colder than you think and there’s no iceberg to cling to while you wait for help.

Capricorn: Believing in yourself is fine, as long as you leave room for other stuff, like gravity, Newton’s Third Law and the awesomeness of Chuck Norris. Put some ice on that swelling ego and make space for the necessaries of the universe.

Aquarius: Every cloud has a silver lining, that’s why the weather uses them to make change. If you see a low-lying cloud, stick your ATM card in it. Maybe you’ll finally see some pennies from Heaven.

Pisces: You may think you’re all alone, but your creativity is like a patch of dandelions. It spreads to people you don’t even know. Keep rocking those sunny little thoughts, because you’re making someone else’s day.

Weekly forecast for May 6

Aries: A big opportunity falls in your lap on Thursday.  Have someone nearby to help you out from underneath it so you can change into clean pants and get your breath back. After that, feel free to tackle it but be warned: it may tackle back.

Taurus: The most fragrant, beautiful rose on a spring day is no match for a double cheeseburger when you’re hungry. Forget the flowers, take your honey out to lunch and don’t say anything when they ask for more fries.

Gemini: You love whirlwind romances, but they always leave you with your underwear on your head. This time, hang on to those unmentionables until you know which way the wind is blowing.

Cancer: Buttering up the boss may win you a few points, but to get what you want, you need to throw some cheese and bacon on there, too. Throw on some sour cream for the final touch. Who knew the road to promotion would be so squishy?

Leo: Moments are like crazy people: you should watch out for the quiet ones. A tiny bit of your day will be amazing, but you should still keep one eye open and a hand on the doorknob.

Virgo: Your worst experience on Saturday will evolve into a crazy story about bobcats, Slim Jims and a size XXL thong. It may hurt right now, but it will make up for it in free beer in the years to come.

Libra: The difference between living and existing is all about flair, but you don’t like talking about your flair, do you? Grab your stapler and attach yourself to a new role in life. This time, the style is all yours.

Scorpio: You are humbled when the universe touches your soul on Saturday, until you realize Karma has very sticky hands. Keep some wet wipes nearby so your inner peace won’t draw lint.

Sagittarius: When you want magic in your life, you expect ice cream, unicorns and dancing fairies. In reality, it’s usually just some old guy pulling a nickel out of your ear. At least you’ll be ahead five cents.

Capricorn: If you knew what was going to happen on Wednesday, you would be excited and nervous and a little sweaty. So it’s best you don’t know. Except now you do. Crap. Forget you read this, but remember to wear deodorant.

Aquarius: You are the life of the party. Fortunately, no one knows you really hate crowds, you’re just in it for the lampshade fetish.  This is one time you really don’t need to shed light on things, so party on.

Pisces: Most people march to the beat of their own drummer, but you skip along to a one-person band featuring triangle, ocarina and accordion. You may not get to your destination, but folks will remember you passing by.

Weekly forecast for April 29

Aries: You are the star of your own movie, but you should lower your expectations from big-budget Michael Bay to a student film involving foul-mouthed, homemade puppets. Strangely enough, yours may bring you more fans.

Taurus: Being slow to anger is one thing, but taking the scenic route to Martyrtown is another. It’s only human to get mad once in a while, and you won’t Hulk out because you refuse to buy that many pairs of new pants.

Gemini: Tuesday is a mixed bag of nuts, but you won’t see any of those delicious chocolate-covered cashews. After your co-workers raid your desk, you’ll be lucky to have some loose skins from peanuts and a few broken Filberts.

Cancer: You’re finding it harder to focus than Justin Bieber in a room full of mirrors. If your phone’s camera breaks on Thursday, thank it for saving your butt and not uploading that embarrassing selfie to Instagram.

Leo: Friday’s code word is “smooth,” but you won’t get the memo. Take a few lessons from the 800 lb. gorilla in the room; at least he knows how to sit quietly and still menace people.

Virgo: With a little luck and a lot of heavy breathing, you’ll land that special project you’ve been chasing. Who knew that project manager was into obscene phone calls from people on treadmills? You did, you sly thing.

Libra: If you still believe the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you should drop out of medical school now before someone gets hurt. You may, however, be a perfect intern for the Paula Dean Institute of Butter and Matchmaking.

Scorpio: Quit looking on the bright side so much; all that squinting will give you wrinkles. Sometimes staring down the gloom makes it nervous enough to slink away. Just give it the same look you gave the kids after the indoor toothpaste fight.

Sagittarius: Your attempt at burning bridges just makes them warm and comfortable enough for a quick trip during a chilly spring day. Next time, don’t try to set fire to stone, just install a permanent “Detour” sign.

Capricorn: You have a lot to offer, so don’t sell yourself short; someone’s willing to invest in you, and they don’t even plan to use their coupons. Take the compliment, smile, and don’t tell them where you’ve hidden the receipt book.

Aquarius: You’re so tough, you’ve been swimming with the sharks and all you’ve suffered is a bad case of pruny toes. Use your talents for good, and teach those toothy suckers some synchronized water ballet moves.

Pisces: It’s a new day, and you’re still in that lovely wake-up mode when you think you can accomplish anything. Instead of fading away, though, it lasts all week long. Use it while you got it, sleepyhead.

Weekly forecast for April 22

Aries: When you walk a mile in another guy’s pantyhose, you really hope he did his laundry first. Also, you do not have the legs to wear sheer hose. With all that hair poking through, it looks like you lost a fight with a werewolf.

Taurus: Nothing’s better than good friends and cheap wine, although the reverse will do in a pinch. Make merry on Saturday, because you’ll have a lot to forget, especially Friday night.

Gemini: There is some beauty in life, but you’ll get more out of it if you just accept life has a great personality. Quit trying to tart it up in Photoshop.

Cancer: The winds of fortune blow up your skirt on Wednesday. Could be a little chilly if you’re going commando, but you’ll like it.

Leo:  Just when you’re ready to stop and smell the roses someone comes along and snips them for a bouquet. Quit relying on everyone else’s schedule and plant your own flowers. That way, you’ll at least sniff them once before the deer eat them.

Virgo: Running your life like clockwork is fine for a while, but even robots are getting bored with you. Shake things up this weekend with a picnic or a pole-dancing class. Just do something before you need a rescue crew to pull you out of that rut.

Libra: Just your luck: the world becomes your oyster, and you’re allergic to shellfish. If your good fortune is something you just can’t swallow, hang in there because hungry times are never far away.

Scorpio: In every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve been swamped so long, you have barnacles on your butt.  The sun will finally shine on you this Thursday. If someone hands you a towel, keep it with you at all times.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t about those big moments of joy, it’s all those little seconds where you don’t strangle your co-workers that count. You’ll rack up some good karma this week by not acting on that impulse of a full bladder and a coffeemaker.

Capricorn: All the king’s horses and men couldn’t do squat for Humpty Dumpty because the really good meds hadn’t been invented yet. Stay on yours this week, or everyone will be picking eggshell out of their hair for days.

Aquarius: Point A is where you are, and Point B is where you want to be, but in between is a path that looks like it was doodled by Albert Einstein on Ambien. Go ahead, take the first step, because everything’s relative.

Pisces: Just when you want to retreat into yourself for a while, your inner child has rearranged all the furniture. Quit stubbing your brain on the imaginary coffee table and seek some answers outside for a change.

Weekly forecast for April 15

Aries: Feel free to count your blessings before they hatch, after they hatch, or while they’re running around pecking your toes. You’ll need all the blessings you can get before your meeting with the boss on Tuesday.

Taurus: Life is a poem inscribed across the sunrise, but yours is a dirty limerick scribbled on a bathroom wall. Time for a rewrite, because you deserve a better audience, preferably one with their pants on.

Gemini: All your dreams will come true this week, including the one where you’re naked in school on exam day. You may not impress your professor, but you could score a few abnormal psychology fans.

Cancer: If actions speak louder than words, right now your naughty behavior has its own pep squad. Dial it down a few notches, before the megaphones burst everyone’s eardrums.

Leo: You’re in the right place at the right time on Friday, but it’s not for something you truly want. You can grin and bear this consolation gift from karma, or get the heck out of Dodge.

Virgo: You may be used to the generic insanity surrounding your days, but Thursday you get a taste of a special homebrew crazy. Sip it carefully, or it will knock you on your butt.

Libra: For every problem, there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is “Run away!” Grab your coconuts and make a break for it before the killer rabbits get you.

Scorpio: The problem with being on a roll? Go too fast, and you flip into a turnover. Saturday will be the frosting on the cake. If you’re lucky, it’s strawberry. Stick out your tongue occasionally and see how sweet it is.

Sagittarius: Someone offers you a leg up on a situation, but once you get there, you’re tempted to rip it off and beat them over the head with it. Stay calm, or you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Capricorn: You may have a close call this week. From now on, keep the phone far away from your face. In fact, you’re probably better off with two tin cans and a string.

Aquarius: Friday looks a little brighter than usual. Could be some unexpected good fortune, or your sweetie bought new light bulbs. Either way, you’ll be able to see a new path.

Pisces: Things may not go your way, but you’re building some impressive muscles as you fight the current. When the tide finally turns, you’ll be better. Stronger. Faster.

 

Weekly forecast for April 8

Aries: Lately you’ve been as disciplined as a toddler raised by wild Kardashians. Pull yourself together, because you’re going to need at least a few social skills on Thursday. Grunting and making duckfaces at your boss will only take you so far.

Taurus: Not every light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Sometimes it’s a UFO, ready to take you away to the planet of unbelievably gorgeous models for some serious probing. Just in case, stay off the tracks until you know for sure.

Gemini: This weekend you’ll have the opportunity to peer inside the mysteries of the universe. Try to look impressed when you find out it’s just a game of Scrabble played by three drunken fairies.

Cancer: Nothing says “ready for love” like a new outfit. Since your look says “ready for rehab,” grab that wallet and head to the mall now.

Leo: Life may be all about the journey, not the destination, but you’re still stuck taking photos of yourself at the starting line. Strap your ego to the roof of the car and get going; if you’re lucky, a low bridge may shave a little off the top.

Virgo:  Your life clicks along like clockwork, but on Tuesday something will pop out a few cogs. Go with the flow and ignore the numbers for a while.

Libra: Beauty isn’t about how you look, it’s how you act. You’ll stay gorgeous for decades with a kind heart, and you’ll save lots of cash on expensive face cream, too.

Scorpio: The only way you’ll give in to self-reflection is if you have a pool installed in your belly button.  Once you’re in there, paddle toward the deep end. Too scary? Invest in some Little Mermaid arm floaties.

Sagittarius: You like to blend in, but lately you’re about as conspicuous as faded flowers in the wallpaper. Step out of your comfort zone and into the spotlight; you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll blossom and grow.

Capricorn: There’s no reason to fear change. A quarter has never mugged anyone at knifepoint. Just watch out for stray nickels burrowing up your nose, and you’ll be fine.

Aquarius: Each day is a new gift. Sometimes it’s a certificate to your favorite restaurant, other times it’s ill-fitting underwear from your grandmother. No matter what you get, remember to write a thank-you note at the end of the day.

Pisces: If you cup overflows, it’s time to upgrade to a larger athletic supporter. You have the huevos to carry off some ambitious plans, but occasionally life will kick you in the balls.

Weekly forecast for April 1

Aries: Your load will be lighter, but that’s because someone stole half your stuff.  As long as they didn’t steal your special homemade naughty tape, you’ll be better for it. If they did, hey baby, you could be a star!

Taurus: Tuesday will be like the kid from Kindergarten who always ate paste: weird, and slightly smelly. You don’t have to be rude, but it’s still a good idea to slowly back away from it.

Gemini: When life is too smooth, you’ll always make your own speed bumps. Try to enjoy the ride instead of hopping out and throwing yourself under the bus.

Cancer: In every life a little rain must fall, but when you’re wet and don’t see any clouds, it makes you wonder. Look around for a really tall guy with his pants unzipped, grab a rake and smack him until he quits tinkling on you. Sometimes you have to make your own sunshine.

Leo:  Not every day can be filled with movie explosions and heroic deeds. Sometimes you need to appreciate the quiet successes, like not chasing your co-workers with a shovel.

Virgo:  Never underestimate the power of one banana peel to totally turn your day around. If you don’t want to watch them fall, glue a dollar to the office floor.  You’ll finally enjoy a day at work.

Libra: You may not be the sharpest pencil in the drawer, but that’s a good thing on Thursday. If someone throws you at the ceiling, you’ll just come right back down.

Scorpio: Friday may seem like it’s all about suffering, but take heart: there’s a hint of humiliation in there too. Avoid your sweetie until they come off that high horse or you’ll get kicked repeatedly in the head.

Sagittarius: Go out tonight and try something new. You really don’t want to be where everyone knows your name, especially after that Dr. Phil segment airs. Give everyone time to calm down and hide their chickens.

Capricorn: Tuesday you’ll receive a special gift bag from the universe. Feel free to open it up and enjoy, as long as it’s not flaming and left on your porch.

Aquarius: When it comes to flights of fancy, you have a lot of airline miles. Cash those in and do something real toward your goal, like printing business cards or hiring a therapist to talk you out of two-toed sloth farming.

Pisces: There may not be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, but there’s usually a pride parade. Jump in and let your freak flag fly, because being your wild self is better than leprechaun booty.

Weekly forecast for March 25

Aries: No one said life would be easy, but you would expect it to be a little less drippy. Fix the roof, housebreak the dog and buy some allergy meds. Or just take the Benadryl and sleep through the rest of your soggy day. Either way works, really.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you are energized, ambitious and brimming with determination…for about five seconds. Whew, that was exhausting. Better take a break and have a beer.

Gemini: Who says you can’t be everywhere at once? Hook all your friends up to the grapevine today, because you’re the topic of conversation. You could nip it in the bud or spread enough horseplotz to make it grow into something wild.

Cancer: No one has all the answers in life. If they did, they would be super annoying and would have no friends. Treasure your ignorance, it’s the only reason people can stand you.

Leo: It’s good to have goals, but when you stuff too many in one place, they start killing each other off like horror movie scream queens. Pick a couple to be the stars in your personal show and keep them away from chain saws.

Virgo: Inflexible? You have to steam yourself just to bend over. Prepare to boil a lot of water this weekend, because your attitude will be twisted into a crazy straw wrapped around a pretzel.

Libra: Go ahead, paint yourself blue, limbo under park benches and sing Cylon showtunes. If you can’t be the best, you can definitely be a finalist for the craziest.

Scorpio: The truth is all around you, and it’s very bitey. If you can’t put a muzzle on it, you can distract it with a large steak or a slow-running friend. Of course, you could face down the truth, but save that for a last resort.

Sagittarius: Everything’s coming up roses, but only if you can handle all the little pricks. If you get too thorny, you can always pucker up to some tulips.

Capricorn: Your best luck will happen at 1 p.m. Tuesday when a man in a green hat will ask you for a piece of gum. You’ll say no, and avoid being dragged into an international spy ring of chicken dancers. Go ahead, thank your lucky stars.

Aquarius: The key to life is inside a fake rock and lost in your backyard. Don’t worry, by the time you find it with a lawnmower, you’ll have changed the locks anyway. The neighbor might be pissed over his broken window, though.

Pisces: To everything there is a season, but when it’s snowing, you’re wearing flip flops. Coordinate your closet with the weather forecast this week, and you might end up in the right pants at the right time.

Weekly forecast for March 18

Aries: The stars are with you on Friday, which is good, because you’ll need an alibi come Monday morning. Try to look innocent if you can.

Taurus: One door just closed. You can wait until another one opens, or you can take matters into your own hands by jiggling doorknobs until you find a karmic door no one’s locked. Who has time to wait for the universe, anyway?

Gemini: When you feel you aren’t good enough, remember this: some people are making a living by selling alien abduction insurance. If those warped individuals can get out there and do something, you have no excuses.

Cancer: Can’t find life’s path to happiness? Quit using Apple Maps and just take one step today toward something that doesn’t make you want to tear your hair out. Repeat as needed.

Leo: You have the strange sensation that it’s not all about you. Call up your karmic laundry service and complain, because someone shrunk your ego a few sizes. Thank goodness Amazon offers overnight delivery on narcissism.

Virgo: If you take the good and you take the bad, put them together and you have a rather crappy day unsuitable for sitcoms. Make Thursday better with a laugh track and tequila.

Libra: The best things in life are free if you’re cheap enough. Those Daisy Dukes may get you a car, but both your soul and your booty will stick to the leather seats on a hot day.

Scorpio: Life’s mysteries surround you. Where do lost socks go? Why do pens abandon you when you need them most? Do fake boobs really shrink like party balloons on really cold days? Answer all these and you may be the next talk show guru.

Sagittarius: It’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, because now you know to get a pre-nup and protect your Oak Ridge Boys record collection. Those sexy legs aren’t nearly as cute if you imagine them carrying away half your stuff.

Capricorn: Some days you’re the crash test dummy, some days you’re the bumper, but all days are going to smack you around to some degree. Keep your emotional seat belt fastened for Friday and you’ll come through unscathed.

Aquarius: The sun shines on you this weekend, but you’ll squint like a mole in a spotlight because you’re not used to it. Let your good fortune creep up to your side so it doesn’t startle you.

Pisces: You’ve checked under plenty of rocks for opportunities, but you’ve never thought to just pick them off the tree. Forget the low-hanging fruit, go for the shining apples at the top and don’t look down. Also, wear a helmet for the moment you inevitably look down.