Weekly forecast for Jan. 23

Aries: You may think you’re giving that sweetie a great salami, but you’re actually just slipping them a cold breakfast sausage. If you don’t have the meat for the full meal deal, lay out the bread for some jewelry.

Taurus: A new job opportunity sashays across your path; be prepared to dance for your dinner or at least shake your moneymaker for a gift basket.

Gemini: Life is a book of rich experiences, thick with nuance and meaning. Too bad you’re still reading Pat the Bunny. Challenge yourself before the universe takes away your library card and leaves you with a Gilbert Gottfried audiobook.

Cancer: Starting down a new path is never easy. Remember, if you could walk that way, you wouldn’t need the talcum powder. Try a few steps a la commando; there will be far less chafing.

Leo: Even the brightest star can’t be seen if you leave the lens cap on. Take off your blinders and see how shiny your life really is; so what if it’s sequins, CZ and glitter? You know how to work it, honey.

Virgo: Thursday will be so awesome you’ll want its autograph, but watch out for Friday; you both may end up on “Cops” seeking a restraining order.

Libra: Tomorrow all the mirrors will make you look five pounds lighter, a stranger will buy you coffee and you’ll get an email from an old flame lamenting how wonderful you were. Feel free to let it all go to your head for just one day.

Scorpio: Not only do you plan on riding out the storm, you’ve bought spurs and bedazzled chaps for the occasion. Before you grab the reins, think about trotting off into the sunset without the drama.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs a boost now and then, but you have a rocket strapped to your butt this weekend. Make sure you’re wearing a helmet, because it will be a bumpy flight.

Capricorn: If you had all the answers, you’d be writing million-dollar fortune cookies and texting with Oprah. Right now you just have one answer, but it’s enough to get you a coupon for hemorrhoid cream.

Aquarius: If you’re going to get your panties in a twist, just buy a thong and be done with it. Otherwise, forgive, forget and remember to wax.

Pisces: Time flies when you’re having fun, but the next few weeks you’ll want to slow down to a relaxed jaunt. Enjoy these moments and stick them in your memory book so they don’t wiggle away.

Weekly forecast for Jan. 16

Aries: If you’re looking for more adventure in your life, then take note on Thursday. Be careful, you’ll need more than a whip and a cool hat to beat what’s in that pit.

Taurus: Lately you’ve been more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Let your guard down a little and share your opinion, just watch out for someone else’s point.

Gemini: Afraid to rock the boat? If you don’t step in soon, a stranger will hula your dinghy all the way to Davy Jones’ locker, and you don’t have the combination.

Cancer: Sure, everyone has to work, but you need some downtime. Get a ten-gallon drum of cheese balls and the entire works of Schwarzenegger on DVD. An orange-fingered, blast ‘em away weekend would do you good.

Leo: Your happiness has been harder to find than a real boob on the Las Vegas strip. Take heart, because your cup is about to runneth over with some pert and perky tidings.

Virgo:  Those old feelings are stirring again. Remember, if you get up one morning and find that you’ve bought a secret volcano lair and a creepy lap pet, you should call your Supervillians Anonymous sponsor immediately. It’s not like Lex Luthor has anything going on right now anyway.

Libra: Do you feel pretty? Oh so pretty? Good, because you are workin’ it this week, honey. Not everyone can pull off zebra-striped boots and a Carhartt jacket, but you do.

Scorpio: You think you’re spreading sunshine, but your friends realize it’s something far more stinky. Ease back on the fertilizer before someone converts your tractor into a giant pooper-scooper.

Sagittarius: Everyone loves a parade, but what you’re doing is technically a high speed chase. Quit waving at all the cameras and just look for a good place to ditch the helicopter. That Barney suit is a nice touch, by the way.

Capricorn: It’s never easy to stand up and do the right thing, that’s why you should sit down and do it. Plenty of good can be accomplished from the comfort of an overpadded recliner with automatic butt-warming action and a cup holder.

Aquarius: Finding the perfect mate is like finding your favorite jeans: it takes some breaking in and butt-wiggling before the fit is just right. Keep ‘em out of hot water and you’ll look good for a lifetime.

Pisces: You have the stunned look of someone who just got what they wanted. So now what? Reel in that dream and bait the hook again. You’re fishing for a goal big enough to take down Richard Dreyfus.

Weekly forecast for Jan. 9

Aries: Jacks are wild, but you’re not anymore. Take care of your full house, or you could be discarded and replaced with a new King.

Taurus: If you burn all your bridges, the only thing you’ll accomplish is pissing off a lot of trolls. Keep the Brute Squad away and just use Google Maps to avoid those bridges from now on.

Gemini: You’re having more fun than a poltergeist at a ghost hunting convention. Squeeze out your best spooky moan and you’ll have the crowd squealing like a bunch of Bieber-loving girls.

Cancer: Congratulations, your resolutions lasted until 4:00 a.m. when you discovered they sell beer, cigarettes and Rocky Road ice cream at the convenience store. Better luck next year.

Leo: Discovering the Divine is a great thought, but if you hang out with a god for too long, you’re going to see them scratching themselves in their underwear. Keep the mystery in your spiritual relationship and leave them alone on Saturday night.

Virgo: Forget the turd in the punchbowl; someone’s willing to nuke the whole ballroom just to be rid of you. Pinch off those final comments and make a hasty retreat before someone follows your boom-boom with a bigger one.

Libra: Success is a lot like jock itch; no one really wants to hear about it. Save up your prosperous tales for family reunions and corporate picnics so you can spread your news and irritate everyone at once.

Scorpio: All’s fair in love and war, but don’t pull any of that crap while playing Mario Kart on Friday night, or someone will bean you with an Xbox. Pretty sure unconsciousness isn’t considered leveling up.

Sagittarius: It’s a fresh new year, so you’re planning to do everything right. The chicken will be relieved to hear that, but she’s not quite ready for marriage yet. Go pick on someone your own size, like an emu.

Capricorn: Don’t worry about the Mayans in 2012. Your world might end when your boss discovers what you’ve been doing on the copier and in the coffeepot, though. Sounds like you need to do a deep cleaning at the office. You’ll get points and remove DNA evidence at the same time.

Aquarius: Your luck will change at 3:35 Wednesday afternoon. If you’ve had hard times, prepare for better. If you’ve been fortunate all along, then you’ll quit hogging all the good stuff and see how the other half lives. So there.

Pisces: There’s a bright spot on the horizon, and for once it’s not an oncoming train, bus or evil pilotfish. Could be a ghost, though. Get your backpack on and don’t cross the streams.

Weekly forecast for Jan. 2

Aries:  Something big is waiting for you this week; it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that doesn’t involve Amway or magazine subscriptions. There, might, however, be a small fee for processing and handling.

Taurus: If you hate when someone pees on you and says it’s raining, you should be extra jumpy on Thursday. Someone can’t wait to shower you with their regards. If you hear a zipper, run.

Gemini: You’ll find some peace when it seems like the whole world has forgotten you. Pretend you’re on NBC and enjoy the quiet instead of worrying that the spotlight will never come back.

Cancer: If you want your resolutions to stick this year, use duct tape. It’s a handy device against overeating, and when applied liberally, it makes a stunning corset. Just be careful, no one wants you turning blue and stumbling around for help. That’s rather annoying.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, not those who jump up and down on the platform saying, “Pick me! Pick me!” Show some decorum, this isn’t “The Bachelorette.”

Virgo: If that lucky break you received is the wrong size, be warned: the universe doesn’t take returns. They’re more strict than Walmart. You can regift, though, if you’re angling for a bigger chance next year.

Libra: Tradition says whomever you wake up with on New Year’s Day will be your type for the rest of the year. Limit your tequila intake and don’t party near any petting zoos.

Scorpio: It takes a special heart to give as much love as you do. Unfortunately, now you have to call them all up and tell them to go and get a shot. Just think of it as a different, ickier kind of social network.

Sagittarius: There’s a time and place for everything, except for what you did last night. Confessing your sins won’t even help you, unless you know a Terminator priest with extra-strong holy water. Good luck getting the orange marmalade out of your underwear.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, and all you have to open it with is a plastic spoon. Ah well, oysters are overrated anyway. Trade it in for pudding. It’s more satisfying, anyway.

Aquarius: Your dreams of being the world’s first roller skating rodeo queen may be dashed, but think of that poor bull. He has a spangly disco outfit now, and nowhere to wear it. Treat yourselves to one last skate around the rink before calling it quits.

Pisces: Patience may be a virtue, but like all the other virtues, it’s not that much fun.  Hang on a little longer; your opportunity to celebrate like a drunken cheerleader is coming fast.

Weekly forecast for Dec. 26

Aries: When you turn over a new leaf, watch out for killer caterpillars. Sometimes hanging out under the old leaf is best until you’re prepared to deal with the unknown, like zombie aphids or having to work for a living.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are far worse places to grab, and those will get yanked this weekend. Just pray they don’t have cold hands.

Gemini: What moves you? Is it a sentimental Kodak commercial or a malfunctioning escalator? Figure out what you need and when before that breakdown happens.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap.

Leo: You have the mighty roar, but when you use it all the freaking time, it just becomes white noise to the other wild animals. Back off a bit, but don’t smile—that just scares the crap out of everyone.

Virgo: Sure, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage. That’s not saying much, though. Try for the next step in 2012: outlasting Charlie Sheen’s humility. Nope, that’s gone too.

Libra: You may want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like putting a bodice on Olive Oyl: there’s nothing to keep it up. Work on your motivation before thinking it’s a cinch.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, but it’s nothing like the crapstorm heading your way on Thursday. Get a helmet.

Sagittarius: In between the presents and the pecan pie, you will know a moment of true peace. Savor it right until someone chucks a Hot Wheels at your head.

Capricorn: One of your best traits is the ability to just put your head down and climb. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. You also may be dragging a park bench, a ranger and a bear behind you.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes that no glum partygoer or bad mood can extinguish. It may not seem real to others, but it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store, but otherwise, shine on, you crazy cubic zirconia.

Pisces: Little bluebirds can lift your spirits, but what you really need is a giant crane to hoist your butt out of that cave and into the sunlight. Looks like you just might get your miracle.

Weekly forecast for Dec. 19

Aries: You’ll catch a bit of good luck on Tuesday, especially if you use bread crumbs and a net. Don’t get too close, it might bite.

Taurus: There’s plenty of Christmas cheer headed your way. If it doesn’t come from your family or your good karma, at least the liquor store is on your way home. Remember, don’t drink and drive, save it for when the kids are hammering you with wish lists.

Gemini: Normally you march to the beat of a different drummer, but even he gave up. So make due with a puffin playing the triangle. You’re weird and obscure enough,  soon you’ll be a hipster hit.

Cancer: Feeling depressed this holiday season? Take a boombox to the mall and play “Yakety Sax” from the Benny Hill show. You’ll laugh your butt off while everyone’s running theirs into the ground.

Leo: Feeling tired all the time? Put some forgiveness in a few stockings and drop all that baggage. Don’t worry, Santa will deliver it to some airhead who doesn’t have enough to worry about.

Virgo: You have a good heart, it just takes a beating from the wind and the rain when you wear it on your sleeve. Scotchgard that ticker or buy it a hat.

Libra: Lately you’ve been feeling more awkward than Rick Perry at a Pride parade. Why fight it? Slap on some sequins, feathers and stilettos, and embrace your inner diversity. Besides, the walk will be good for your thighs.

Scorpio: Turning your anger inside for too long will make you explode like a MythBusters dummy. Let out that rage the way everyone else does: by writing a incomprehensible letter to the editor demanding the return of “Laverne and Shirley.”

Sagittarius: You may think covering yourself in mistletoe will snatch you a smooch at the office party, but someone may take a weed whacker to your plans. Pull those lips back a bit to keep your butt covered.

Capricorn: That big-screen TV may not be under the tree for you this year, but that’s okay. Considering the life you’ve led, just waking up for one more day is a gift and a miracle unto itself.

Aquarius: If your season is turning into one very big, ugly Christmas sweater, remember this: somewhere there’s a thread to pull with your name on it.

Pisces: You’ve fallen through the cracks so often, you carry mountain-climbing gear just to see daylight. This month, you’ll land in just the right place to make your mark. Remember to pack your protein bars and astronaut ice cream.

Weekly forecast for Dec. 12

Aries: It’s not all about you…or is it? Could there actually be a global conspiracy to hold you down and keep you from fulfilling your potential? Or is your lack of accomplishment simply from your butt being glued to the couch? If you can stand up but don’t want to, don’t blame the world.

Taurus: You may think your life is a “Mission Impossible” movie, but in reality it’s more like an Adam Sandler film, and not even one you’d want to rent. But hey, those things make a buttload of money, so maybe you’re in luck.

Gemini: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the author’s Facebook page and how cheap you can buy it on Kindle.

Cancer: Forget about those who dismiss your “pie in the sky” dreams. Airborne dessert could be the next big thing. Who wouldn’t want cloudbursts of cupcakes? Keep your feet on the ground, and keep baking in the stars.

Leo: If no good deed goes unpunished, maybe you can at least ask for Katia in the black vinyl getup with the whip and the orange marmalade. It’ll teach you to be a better person.

Virgo: You have a lot of love to give, so quit trying to rent it out for a few burgers and free wi-fi. Besides, that guy over there is probably a cop. Respect yourself and find a nice sugar daddy.

Libra:  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and then it’s a video for “World’s Dumbest.” Maybe they’ll pay enough to cover the medical bills, or you’ll just be the one-eyed guy in the free t-shirt.

Scorpio: That incredible deal has more than strings attached; there’s a whole macramé of loose ends just waiting for a tug by some pencil-pusher. Find a Boy Scout and learn some knots before you’re tangled in the web.

Sagittarius: You may not get a lucky break, but if you play your cards right you could have a lucky sprain. It doesn’t help with lottery numbers but it could be useful for a cheap scratcher ticket and a cup of coffee.

Capricorn:  If no one is interested in your collection of foreign pencils and rare manila folders, try an evening haunting the aisles at Staples. For every Trapper, there’s a Keeper.

Aquarius: Your desire for order is admirable, but life isn’t a parade neatly marching through. It’s more of a demolition derby, and your junker has lost three headlights and a door. Gas up, get out there and leave your mark.

Pisces: The good news you’ve been waiting for is at your doorstep with bells on. When it knocks, grab it, squeeze it and shake it until you wake the neighbors. That’ll pay them back for the morning leafblower sessions.

Weekly forecast for Dec. 5

Aries: Sometimes karma raps you on the knuckles, and other times it’s a full-on paddlefest. Reflect on the last few idiotic things you’ve done, and prepare to drop your drawers.

Taurus: You may know the strip clubs better than a politician, but your wild side needs a night with popcorn and PJs every now and then. A full-body dip in hand sanitizer wouldn’t hurt, either.

Gemini: Friday night will bring you a stiff drink and a good friend. Or is it the other way around? No matter, you’re likely to wake up in a strange place.

Cancer: You’re feeling the spirit of the season, but trying to swipe your credit card on the nativity scene manger is just wrong. Wait until you get to the gift shop, they offer a discount.

Leo: Lately, even the instant coffee isn’t fast enough for you. If you fast-forward through the boring parts of life, you won’t appreciate the exciting moments.  Plus you’ll miss that cute commercial with the dancing lizard.

Virgo: If you hold out for a Cadillac, you may never learn to drive. Lower your standards and jump into a less than perfect ride; wondering if you’ll make it home is half the fun.

Libra: Some ideas should be nurtured, and others should be left on the vine for the birds to eat.  Let someone else peek at your fruit to see if you have a rotten tomato.

Scorpio: Baby, you’re a star! But are you Meryl Streep in an award-winning role or a half-naked cheerleader being chased by a chain saw maniac? Try to stay classy; those ta-tas aren’t ready for prime time.

Sagittarius: An occasional leap of faith is fine, but it wouldn’t hurt to have the jetpack of experience or the parachute of preparation on board as well. Only Wile E. Coyote can manage that accordion-style recovery.

Capricorn: On Wednesday, the barbarians are at the gate. Hunker down in your cubicle and prepare that paperclip crossbow; you’ll need it if you want to see that holiday bonus check.

Aquarius: Friday will stick to the bottom of your shoe. Scrape it off or the whole weekend will smell funny, and you’ll have to throw Monday in the wash.

Pisces: For about ten minutes, you’ll clearly see what needs to be done and how to do it. Take notes or tell someone, because that clarity has the lifespan of a chocolate doughnut backstage at the Victoria’s Secret show.

Weekly forecast for Nov. 28

Aries: You have all the tact of a charging bull, but someone’s found a red cape and they are making you hoof it like a Solid Gold dancer. Take the ring out of your nose and calmly solve your problem before you get the pointy end of the stick.

Taurus: Still waters run deep, but your thoughts aren’t even enough to get someone’s feet wet this week. Quit dreaming about a life in the circus; there’s more to your philosophy, Horatio, than a tiny car full of clowns.

Gemini:  Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Cancer: Joy will land in your heart on Wednesday, and then she’ll probably hold you down and give you a noogie. Hand over your lunch money before she breaks out the purple nurples.

Leo: If you want a perfect holiday, buy a picture or hire a publicist. Until then, just be glad there are enough weird people willing to be around you that long.

Virgo: Your patience has the same lifespan as a bag of cheese puffs in a mancave. Why fight it? Grab some pigskin and learn more about your sweetie’s hobby. If that fails, try football.

Libra: All those pleas to the universe have paid off: on Friday, you will score the ultimate holiday bargain. Don’t brag, it just makes the little people jealous.

Scorpio:  No matter how convincing those infomercials are, you do not need a hair-cutting tool for your vacuum. You’ll just look like a bad accident between Snooki and a lawn mower, so put that credit card away and quit drinking after five.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the workplace this week; could be a bonus check, or just someone’s leftover sub sandwich in the fridge. Either way, it’s a score!

Capricorn: Thomas Jefferson once said “You can’t believe everything on the Internet,” and he was right. Go back to listening to the toaster, it has more wisdom to share than the comments on a blog page.

Aquarius: If you’ve been doing good just to get good stuff back to you, well, sorry. Karma isn’t like Green Stamps. Try doing something nice just because it’s the right thing to do, and see what happens after that.

Pisces: If you always look on the bright side, you’ll get squinty and develop the urge to listen to The Carpenters. Put on some sarcastic sunglasses; they will serve you well in life.

Weekly forecast for Nov. 21

Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, but with you, the universe doesn’t even have a reason to take off his belt. Go ahead, try something kinky this week like being nice. You might get into it.

Taurus: Your views are carved in stone so long,  you’ve accused the Great Pyramid of being too flexible.  Time to make some changes, before the Sphinx hits the fan.

Gemini: A little bird is spilling your secrets all over town. Either silence that magpie or own up to that weekend with the chicken and the batteries. What’s good for the goose can get you in trouble even in Vegas.

Cancer: Friends are like flowers in a garden; sometimes you just want to pinch their heads off.  Before you call a spade a spade, think about who’s really the hoe.

Leo: Your short-sighted ways work perfectly with karma’s cataracts on Wednesday. The day may be a blur, but you won’t need 20/20 hindsight for the effects.

Virgo: A midnight confession ends up on YouTube, but you can ride it out. Humiliation is like ripping off a Band-Aid, it only stings until the permanent scar sets in.

Libra: Someone new throws a wrench into your plans, but you still like the shape of their toolbox. Polish that screwdriver and get ready for some hot handyman action.

Scorpio: Regretting that tequila-habenero  chili burger with extra peppers? Don’t worry, this too shall pass. When it does, you may discover a new form of jet propulsion.

Sagittarius: Lately you’ve been like a caffeinated squirrel on Twitter: short bursts of nonsense followed by maniacal laughter. Luckily, that’s how everyone behaves on social media, so no one has noticed. Get a grip before the rest of the jittery pack catches on.

Capricorn: Who can compare apples and oranges when you’re bringing mangoes and kiwifruit to the table? Sort through your own basket before you start shoving those melons in people’s faces. And please, don’t buy plastic melons. Everyone can tell they’re fake.

Aquarius: Life may be about the journey, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shack up at a plush rest stop once in a while. Throw out some cushions and put your feet up, just don’t get caught with your pants down.

Pisces: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.