Aries: Your mind is overloaded this week, and it’s making your brain cells pop like bubble wrap. Take a break and do something that doesn’t require thought, like watching the E! Network.
Taurus: When it comes to love, it’s the little things your sweetie does to catch your attention. Like placing scorpions in your underwear drawer. Better find out what you did wrong, and get some flowers immediately.
Gemini: Some things even your famed charm can’t fix. You’ll have to dig deep and dust off that mint condition can of sincerity if you want to sweeten up someone’s day. Wow, you should occasionally run a broom through that emotional basement.
Cancer: Life can’t be all lollipops and roses. Sometimes it’s clearance jelly beans that taste like plastic Easter grass and poison ivy. Swirl that sad candy in some vodka, and you’ll forget to scratch your welts for a while.
Leo: You can run but you can’t hide from your feelings, even when you try to bury your widening butt in that half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream. Put down the spoon and pick up the phone. And don’t order another pizza, we’re on to you.
Virgo: Put down the screwdriver and duct tape, because this time you can’t fix that problem for someone in your life. Just accept who they are. Besides, they still walk funny from that time with the monkey wrench.
Libra: Freedom is more than sitting naked on the white vinyl couch; it’s also about where the paper towels and spray cleaner is stored and when your sweetie is expected home. True freedom comes from not getting kicked out to the dog house again.
Scorpio: Tuesday is shaping up to be your lucky day, unless it forgets to wear its Spanx, and then Wednesday will be the day. Definitely. Or Thursday. Depends if there’s Mexican food for lunch.
Sagittarius: You don’t have to meet every challenge. Some you can just text or e-mail. If you really want to impress, send a postcard.
Capricorn: When everything is dark all around you, it’s time to rely on a higher power. Good thing you installed that solar panel on the roof, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to Facebook your way through the blackout.
Aquarius: This weekend will be a blur of glitter-soaked bagel deliveries, ditch-digging in a tuxedo and touching batteries to your tongue for nickels. You really should have read the fine print in your iTunes User Agreement.
Pisces: Not only are you putting the cart before the horse, you’re not even near the barn. Get your life in the right order, and your pimped-out chariot will be cruising down the road in no time.