Aries:  You need some “me” time, but even you don’t want to be with you right now. Do something that requires no soul-searching or self-reflection, like politics or hosting a talk show. That will give  you some space from yourself.

Taurus: Every snowflake is different, but that doesn’t mean it’s beautiful.  So-called perfection is high maintenance, so spend some time with the weird and goofy-looking snowflakes. They’re more fun, and they don’t stare into the mirror as much.

Gemini: It’s fine being a social butterfly, but you just flew in from Albuquerque, and boy are your wings tired.  Take a break from being everyone’s friend and ground yourself in your own reality for a few days. Your wings could use the rest.

Cancer: The brightest stars are the ones who catch our attention, but only because they flame out in a superhot ball of gas. Pull back on the drama, and your light will last longer.

Leo: You always want to be the hare instead of the turtle in the race, but that doesn’t pay off. Slow your butt down and enjoy the pace, otherwise the turtle may have you kneecapped.

Virgo: Yes, it’s finally spring, but you don’t need to pull out that tube top and thong combo just yet. Your skin is so day-glow white, you could be used to guide blind people around instead of a cane. Take it back a notch, because not even the unsighted should be exposed to those butt cheeks.

Libra: Each day is a new adventure, which is far less pleasant than it sounds. Once you escape the screaming band of natives and the giant rolling ball, consider spending some time under your bed. Dust bunnies are much easier to conquer.

Scorpio: The universe will take a chance on you this Friday. Play your cards right and you could own Park Place. At the very least, you’ll collect $200 and pass Go.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t always a flaming bag of dog crap left on your porch. Tomorrow’s bag won’t be on fire, so take a peek inside before you stomp it out of habit. You could be pleasantly surprised and crap-free.

Capricorn: In every life some rain must fall, but who says it has to be water? You could end up with frogs, locusts or worms. No matter what comes down on your head, you’ll make a few bucks if you open up a bait stand.

Aquarius: Finding your true worth is as easy as counting up the change behind the sofa cushions. If you’re lucky, you’re worth at least a couple of Sacajawea dollars and a handful of lint-ridden Skittles.

Pisces:  If you argued with as many people in real life as you do in your head, you’d be a complete badass. Use those skills to stand up for something, even if it’s just sending back the wrong restaurant order.

Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket.

Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That’s just the universe’s way of saying “Thank you for playing” and giving you a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize.

Gemini: If life is a roller coaster, you’re inching up to the top. This fun has been a long time coming, so hold those arms up and get ready to scream.

Cancer: Don’t do anything stupid at 2 p.m. on Monday. That’s when your guardian angel sees his therapist, and he really needs the whole hour, especially after that llama mishap.

Leo: Life can be beautiful, especially if you make it wear the blonde wig and tell it to go easy on the makeup. Take your existence out for a hot date and show it a good time. You won’t regret it.

Virgo: If someone can read you like a book, it’s only because you’re in large print. Play hardcover-to-get and change up your font. Everyone loves a mystery.

Libra: It doesn’t take much to make you happy on Saturday. That’s good, because not much is all you’re going to get. Keep loving the little things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

Scorpio: Sometimes you run as fast as you can, but it still feels like life is passing you by. Don’t worry, the next ice cream truck will be playing your song. Throw a few nails out in front of it and you’ll finally catch your reward.

Sagittarius: Forget about stacking the deck in this new relationship; your sweetie is pretty stacked already. If you add anything more, they’re likely to fall over, especially in those shoes. Just smile and enjoy.

Capricorn: You don’t want answers, you just enjoy sneaking up on the questions and wrestling them down like surprised alligators. Watch out for the death roll of moronic theories, and work those opinions until they tire out.

Aquarius: Just when you’re getting a handle on a situation, the bottom of the box gets wet and everything hits the pavement. Nothing’s broken, so just brush the dirt off that cupcake and give it to the boss.

Pisces: You’ve been like a set of Russian nesting dolls, pulling your world tighter and tighter around yourself until you have a wedgie of the soul, which is one of the worst wedgies to have. Break open the mold and go party with some new friends, like those trampy Barbie knockoffs across the aisle.

Aries: You’re always looking for the next big thing and not sweating the small stuff. Quit expecting Fort Knox to land in your lap and pay attention to the little shiny bits passing you by.  Your good fortune pops up one nugget at a time.

Taurus: Sometimes bad things happen, but you don’t need a flashing neon sign to warn you. That Bull sensibility means you’re prepared for anything, even zombie weasels with weed-whackers.

Gemini: Feeling stuck? You’re wedged in firmer than a G-string made of duct tape. Get  yourself out of the situation with one quick pull. Oh yes, there will be tears.

Cancer: You’ve been moving so fast you have knocked both the angel and devil off your shoulders. Skip the fortune cookie and ask the oldest man you can find for advice. It may not be valuable, but it will slow your butt down for a few minutes.

Leo: The pen is mightier than the sword, but security is likely to take both away from you before letting you on the plane. Defend yourself with a good book instead. You can quote it or just throw it at someone’s head.

Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you on any magazine covers or Wheaties boxes. Try being a little fast and wobbly. If you’re unsure how to do that, consult the nearest bottle of tequila.

Libra: If someone tells you there’s no wrong answer, they’re not paying attention. On Thursday, avoid saying “Yes, I’ll try the gas station sushi” and “Why no, I have no idea how much trouble I’m in.”

Scorpio: You think you’ve found your groove on the dance floor, but it looks like you’re being randomly electrocuted by an evil ferret. Feel free to let your freak flag fly, but don’t be surprised if it wraps around your head and makes you crash into a wall.

Sagittarius: The beauty of life is in its diversity, but the reality means you’ll follow someone for fifteen minutes to figure out who or what they are. Take a chance and ask them out anyway. Her mustache may tickle your fancy.

Capricorn: If your life lacks direction, forget gurus. Just go to the supermarket. You’ll do better with the instructions on a can of spray cheese than with someone who wants to sell you a $2400 course in lifestyle management.

Aquarius: When you point a finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you. That gives you two extra votes in whatever lame argument you’ve gotten yourself into on Thursday. And no, the thumb doesn’t count, because it wants to stay out of it.

Pisces: You feel like your old self on Tuesday, which is a bummer. You were really hoping for a whole new self this time. Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring you chocolate and a new attitude.

Aries: Someone close to you knows more than they’re telling. Don’t bother with the rubber hose, just whip out that box of wine you’re saving for a special occasion. You’ll get to the bottom of the box and the truth.

Taurus: Being cautious is fine, but you’re moving slower than maple syrup in winter. Quit being a sap when you’re tapped for a decision.

Gemini: Spring is finally on the way, but you should still hold off on wearing that halter top around town. The weather is still a bit chilly, and your plush carpet of back hair is scaring the children.

Cancer: Not everything is about you, but it really should be. Start some really juicy gossip about yourself and have a few meltdowns at the grocery store. You’ll be the center of attention in no time, but you may have to dodge a few butterfly nets.

Leo: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re likely to pull a groin muscle. Crawl up into an office chair and roll your way back to the top. You’ll run over a few toes, but hey, it’s still a comeback.

Virgo: Some people find happiness unexpectedly, but you stalk it like it’s an ex-girlfriend.  Allow more randomness in your life, and fewer restraining orders.

Libra: Forget the inspirational posters; life isn’t a clear-cut path. It’s a series of drunken stumbles and accidental pratfalls, but while you’re recuperating in that ditch you might as well make some friends.

Scorpio: You ponder the unanswered questions, like “Has Smokey the Bear ever seen Bigfoot?” If you write all this down, you’ll have a History Channel series within a year. Enjoy your undeserved fame.

Sagittarius: You think you’re receiving mixed messages, but your sweetie is being very clear. Take your head out of your butt and everything will be Dolby Digital-perfect.

Capricorn: Yes, that first step is a doozy. The second step is a humdinger, the third is a lulu, and the fourth one is just an ass about the whole thing. Maybe you should take the elevator today.

Aquarius: If you can’t be top dog, maybe it’s time to change teams. There’s probably a much shorter line to become top wombat or head moose. If that dog in the Chinese zoo can be a lion, you can be anything you want.

Pisces: Don’t worry about the spotlight right now. In the darkest times, even a candle seems like a lot. See what you need to see and try not to stub your toe. Your days will grow brighter.

Aries: You may see yourself as the badass V8 engine under the hood, but you’re more like the banana in the tailpipe. You still make an impact it’s just hilarious instead of heart-pounding.

Taurus: You have the wings of a falcon, the heart of an eagle and the thighs of a chicken. When you soar to impossible heights you may want to stay there, because if you land, you may be seen as very, very tasty. Avoid older men in bolo ties with bags of spices.

Gemini: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, because you forgot to put your phone on vibrate again. Really, there’s no taking you anywhere, is there? Stay at home for a few nights until the theater usher forgets what you look like.

Cancer: Every day is a new beginning, sometimes it’s just a lousy story. Be grateful that Thursday is flash fiction, because you want to be fresh for Friday night’s spicy chapter.

Leo: There’s a lot of people on the path not taken, you’re just not seeing the foot traffic. Look up and you’ll see scores ziplining above the treetops to destiny. Strap on that harness, because walking is for wussies.

Virgo: If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, it’s better to get a stepladder and move up. That makes it much easier to whack them on the head and drive them down to your original point of view. Bring smelling salts in case the hammer of your opinions is too effective.

Libra: Sexy? Your bedsprings have made more squeaks than a barn full of mice. Use that mojo on Saturday’s hottie, and watch out for mousetraps.

Scorpio: If there’s such a thing as a lucky break, it’s definitely not coming from that loan shark with the baseball bat. Do yourself a favor and avoid investing in those ant farm-powered cell phone chargers.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can slide a webcam under your boss’ locked door, but you can’t unsee what he does with a bird feeder and two pounds of marshmallow cream. Forget therapy, too, because re-enacting it makes the dolls all sticky.

Capricorn: Sometimes the best smiles come from the scraggliest faces, but you’ll never see them if you only look down your own nose. Be kind this week, because karma has a savage sense of humor.

Aquarius: In your hands, trash becomes treasure but a hot glue gun becomes a spontaneous waxing session. For the EMT’s sake, wear pants when doing crafts.

Pisces: You’re so exhausted from the imaginary conversations in your head that you can’t bear talking to a real, live person right now. Start slowly by telling the telemarketer to bugger off and you can work your way up from there.

Aries: For you, a day without love is like a day without a rain of frogs. Watch your lips on Wednesday, though. One kiss could turn you into a hopeless, ribbeting romantic.

Taurus: You know what’s in your heart, and it’s not just plaque from a lifetime of Big Macs and fries. Jog toward what you know is right. At least you’ll get some exercise.

Gemini: Nothing says ‘success’ like a fancy car, a fat wallet and not having to buy thrift store underwear anymore. You’ll earn one of these this week, although the best bet is new undies without someone else’s name written in them.

Cancer: One is the loneliest number but it’s also the cheapest, too. You’ve saved enough on Valentine’s Day alone to splurge on two hours of hot action on your favorite 900 number. Who knew there was someone answering the Butterball Help Line in spring?

Leo: What goes up must come down, so take two steps to the right at 9:13 on Friday. Be a dear and bring a mop, too, so you don’t track that into the office.

Virgo: Sorry, your wildest dreams won’t come true, because that’s some freaky stuff even Lady Gaga can’t handle. But your third mildest dream will pop into reality, so yay for free coffee!

Libra: Most people see sorrow as a long road that must be walked, but you prefer your sadness in one quick, intense wedgie. You’re ready to heal now, so prepare to spend some time pulling at your butt crack.

Scorpio: The early bird may get the worm, but the red-headed pecker who sleeps in gets all the wood. Swing your lumber with pride this weekend and enjoy a well-deserved snooze on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius: The world only seems small until you stick your foot out in it. Lace up those boots and stomp in some puddles, but pack your water wings in case you get in too deep.

Capricorn: You have a notion that could develop into an idea. Treat it with care and feed it properly so it grows up to be a solid plan and not another harebrained scheme. You have enough of those already.

Aquarius: So you’ve had a setback. Quit hiding in your blanket fort and get out there to try again. Even if you don’t succeed, the Internet loves an epic fail, so throw some ads on that YouTube channel and screw up all the way to the bank.

Pisces: Hey, fishy, tired of people tapping on your bowl just to see you freak out? Install a joy buzzer on the glass so you can watch them jump for a change.  Bonus: you won’t have to hide in your castle anymore, you can just keep swimming.

 

Aries: On Tuesday, you discover you’ve brought a water pistol to the knifefight. Make it work for you by loading that baby with ghost chili hot sauce. You’ll make them scream or ask for chips, but either way, you win.

Taurus: You’ve heard that love is a many-splendored thing, but you’re sure they meant “splintered” instead. Something your sweetie does is sticking in your craw, and not in a good way. Air your differences and wash your undies, and everything will be good again.

Gemini: Something has been niggling in the back of your mind and eating your brain. Corner it, tell it this is why you can’t have nice things, and put it in time out.

Cancer: No one said your path would be easy, but you expected at least a few greasy spoons with wifi.  Buckle up, buttercup, because you’ll have to solve this on your own without the help of Google.

Leo: You can be a shining star or a dangerous asteroid; it all depends on how close someone is to you. Do the universe a favor and spend some time in outer space on Wednesday to avoid apocalyptic mishaps.

Virgo: Nothing is impossible, but what you want is so improbable, Carl Sagan needs a few more “billions” in his vocabulary to count your chances. Set your sights on something easier, like time travel or a fight-free family reunion.

Libra: When your folks accuse you of being a couch potato, let it roll off your back like a pat of butter.  At least you’re not a baked potato, which really saves on the Cheetos section of the grocery bill.

Scorpio: Know why diamonds are forever? They last just as long as your honey’s ability to remember what you did wrong. You can start out with flowers, but eventually you’ll be at the shinier side of the counter so save your pennies now.

Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’ll discover that a random act of kindness is more deliberate than you think. Don’t let the actor get away, because someone who stocks your car with Nutella is definitely a keeper.

Capricorn: No one knows your pain, which is why you really need a fake Twitter account. Your online portrayal as Steven Segal’s ponytail will be almost as heart-wrenching as your naked interpretive dances on Vine.

Aquarius: Sometimes life can be a deep-fried turd, but on Thursday you’ll crack that bad boy open and discover some nuggets of gold. At least it looks like gold if you don’t put on your glasses.

Pisces: You may be a broken cookie, but at least you’re a Toll House, home-made cookie full of delicious chocolate, not one of those dry, crumbly ones on the discount shelf of the store. Be proud, because you’re uniquely cracked and weird.

Aries: Your ability to make mountains out of molehills means you’re invited to all the cool landscaping parties, but it leaves things rocky at home. Put away the shovel before someone hits you with it.

Taurus: If someone throws a wrench into your plans, you have a good idea which monkey did it. If you confront them face to face, you might get a little poo flung at you but you’ll take away the rest of his toolbox.

Gemini: You’ll make the news when your cabin fever boils over and you sprint naked through the snow yelling “I’m a robin! It’s spring!” After the footage airs, you’ll receive four marriage proposals, three nasty emails and an offer to play Naughty Smurf in an adult movie.

Cancer: Forget a spoonful of sugar; bitter pills are best taken with lots of vodka. You’ll lower your diabetes risk, and you’ll soon forget whatever ugly truth you just had to swallow.

Leo: You’ve never been one for introspection, but it couldn’t hurt to do some soul-searching this weekend. Once you realize your inside is just as fabulous as your outside, you’ll be ready for anything.

Virgo: In the karmic race there are winners, losers and the weird ones who throw a party in the parking lot and never show up to the track meet. If you’re carrying a cooler of beer and hot dogs, you know which group you’re in.

Libra: Love can be kind, or it can be cinched up in a leather bustier and holding a whip. If you plan to suffer for love, make sure the other person is worth it and always have a safeword.

Scorpio: Feeling a nip in the air? Don’t blame it on the polar vortex, it’s all on you for breeding those flying piranhas. Expect your week to end up like a cheesy SyFy ‘Sharknado’ movie: everybody will watch, but no one wants to be there.

Sagittarius: You’re on the horns of a dilemma. Climb down from there and get back in the saddle again, before you end up with extra ventilation holes. It’s easier to figure out your troubles when you’re not hanging from the pointy ends of life.

Capricorn: Your Wednesday is looking up, which is why it sees the falling piano before anyone else does. If you have some fast moves, you’ll get through the day just fine.

Aquarius: Sure, my friend, the answer may be blowing on the wind, but it’s just as likely to be stuck on a lint roller. Throw some mental weight behind your own solutions, and you won’t have to worry about fluffballs leaving on the breeze.

Pisces: It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. If people tell you this, remind them of it when you’re chasing them around and swinging a Monopoly board.

Aries:  Forget cherries; life is like a big bowl of peanuts and shellfish, and both make you swell up like a party balloon. If you insist on grabbing the gusto, grab a few epi pens along with it.

Taurus: It’s a long, hard road ahead, but you’ll need more than stamina or determination. Check eBay for lightly used inflatable donuts, because this trip will be tough on the tushie.

Gemini: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Cancer: In every life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about snow. Don’t even try to use a smile for an umbrella, just whip out a scowl for a snow shovel and get your grump on.

Leo: You’re facing some hurdles that you just can’t jump. Do more than just think outside the box; stack those boxes up and you’ll skip merrily across any obstacles. Take a bow afterwards, because some jaws will drop.

Virgo: Just because someone tries to pee in your Post Toasties doesn’t mean you should stand there and hold the bowl. Cover your breakfast and sic your leg-humping dog on them; that will definitely interrupt their stream of thought.

Libra: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

Scorpio: If you do see a bright spot this week, don’t panic. You’re not having a stroke, it’s just that things are finally looking up for you. Take it easy, because the shock of a better life could be too much to bear.

 Sagittarius: Every journey begins with a single step, unless you stay in and Skype. You can follow your path without going outside, and stay within easy reach of nachos and beer.

Capricorn: An unexamined life collects plenty of dirt and grime, and you haven’t given yours a second look in quite a while. Grab a scrub brush and do some navel-gazing; it’s time to go after those lint monsters.

Aquarius: The universe puts on a great show, you just need to find the right theater.  Pay attention, because the cosmic jokes alone are worth the price of admission and you’ll have some zingers for the next cocktail party.

Pisces: When karma gives you a cookie, you always check the underside for extras. Don’t worry, this time there are no strings attached. Enjoy the rare taste of success, even if it’s oatmeal raisin instead of chocolate chip.

Aries: You’re in a town where everyone knows your name. That’s great for camaraderie, not so fine when you win the lottery. You are due for a score, although it’s likely to be a free dinner instead of the Powerball jackpot.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Gemini: Love will show you the way, but sneakiness knows all the back roads. You’ll get where you’re going and still have time to put on that innocent face.

Cancer: Some people lead the parade of life, others end up following the horses with a giant pooper scooper. You’ll take a lot of crap on Friday, but if you buy an armload of paper bags, you’ll have your luminaries all sorted for next Christmas.

Leo: Just when you’ve tied a knot in your rope so you can hang on, someone comes along to grease it up. Let it go. You’re only an inch above the ground anyway, and you’ll land on your feet.

Virgo: Sometimes your purpose in life feels like a too-small swimsuit: it no longer fits and it really chafes your butt. Don’t worry, new directions come in all shapes and sizes, and most of them are quite the bargain.

Libra: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Scorpio: The only way you’ll be a quiet beauty is with duct tape and a makeover, but that’s okay. Somewhere out there is a person who needs a loud, frizzy sweetie who swears like a sailor with a stubbed toe.

Sagittarius: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Capricorn: You’ll find job satisfaction this week, mainly because you’ve started selling your company’s office supplies on eBay. You’ll get that raise, one paperclip at a time.

Aquarius: There’s a hole in your heart, and you can’t fill it with Twinkies, booze or cheap dates. It might help if you saw a doctor instead of trying to install a discount pacemaker with a spoon and an instructional YouTube video.

Pisces: The sun finally comes out on your life, and you’re worried because you can’t find your sunglasses or SPF 30 lotion.  Grab a hat so you can face your better day without squinting and relax.

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