Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried.  Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.

Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell  you a roll of aluminum foil.

Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.

Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.

Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.

Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.

Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.

Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.

Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.

Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.

Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.

Aries:  Those who wander are not lost; they’re just looking for a clean bathroom. Take the road less traveled if your idea of adventure is using poison oak leaves for toilet paper.

Taurus: Listen to that inner voice on Tuesday. It knows what’s right, what’s wrong, and how many French fries you should allow yourself. Quick answer: eleven. Fifteen if they’re curly fries and you have some ranch dressing to go with them.

Gemini: Love is in the air, but you’re sporting a giant can of Raid. Relax; not every winged thing is Cupid aiming for your butt. Sometimes it’s just a blood-sucking mosquito, which is far easier to deal with.

Cancer: In every life, a little rain must fall but you’re dodging blue ice from airplane toilets. Forget the umbrella and rain boots, find some sturdy shelter until the crapstorm passes.

Leo: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the ups and downs, too? Re-orient your compass and you’ll see what looks like a fail this week is actually a win.

Virgo: If you save the best for last, you won’t have any room left to gobble it down. Have dessert first, because chocolate always trumps green beans. Just don’t have them together. Ew.

Libra: You think you’re a jungle cat stalking its prey, but others see you as a sleepy kitten tripping over a ball of string. You can stretch those claws out, but you’re still too cute.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you miss your shot at the golden ring. The banquet table is littered with silver cutlery and a couple of pricey centerpieces. You may not win first place, but you won’t go home empty-handed if you have a big enough purse.

Sagittarius: Finding your center will take more than a few moments of meditation: it’s going to require a builder’s level and some blueprints. Luckily, your foundation is solid thanks to years of burgers and cheese curls.

Capricorn: You won’t find a lost item in the last place you look, mainly because you’ll forget you found it and keep looking for another hour or so. Perhaps you should get a few extra pairs of glasses or feel your forehead more often.

Aquarius: Your lucky break happens on Thursday afternoon. Avoid sitting on creaky chairs and swaying tree limbs, or that karmic snap could result in a fall from grace worthy of YouTube.

Pisces: Whenever you feel that you’re swimming in molasses, build a raft of cornbread. You’ll still move slowly, but the trip will be delicious.

Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.

Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.

Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.

Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.

Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.

Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.

Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.

Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.

Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.

Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.

Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.

Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.

Aries: If you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. After the fourth try, however, you should kick back, have a beer and figure out why success eludes you like a greased pig before you wrestle with it once more.

Taurus:  Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Gemini: There’s a better day coming to you, could be Tuesday or Wednesday. Set out the nice plates and glasses and get the best wine they offer at the local gas station. You want to make a good impression.

Cancer:  Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a bit of booty left.

Leo: You’re feeling out of touch, like an 8-track tape in a streaming podcast world. Relax, retro is in fashion and someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.

Virgo: You make a colossal screw-up at work, but the boss laughs instead of firing you. Buy your boss and the ferret a drink once everyone gets out of the supply closet alive, and swear off bubble wrap.

Libra: Life can try to box you in, but your rat is too freewheeling for a maze. Break out the tiny skateboard and let your inner furball fly.

Scorpio: Forget what they say; go ahead and let the turkeys get you down. They give a pretty good massage as long as you’re wearing a really thick shirt. Don’t ask for a happy ending, or you’ll really be hen-pecked.

Sagittarius: You’re hit in the head with a baseball on Friday and develop temporary psychic powers. You can’t predict lottery numbers but you have a nice side business finding people’s car keys for them.

Capricorn: Grab the shades and the sunscreen, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Just don’t wear that thong bathing suit, because no one wants to be blinded by your butt cheeks.

Aquarius: Feeling lost in the universe? No one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos of people falling off tables on YouTube. Watch those for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Pisces: What you want is just within reach, but you can’t stretch any farther or you’ll fall. Don’t despair, just buy one of those grabber claws and snatch victory from the snarky jaws of defeat.

Aries:  You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally trash talk the movie based on it. Before you loosen those lips, though, rip out a few pages and make sure you have the story straight.

Taurus: Passion burns, but so does a pot left on the stove. Don’t grab anything without using protection, otherwise you’ll have some explaining to do in front of a chuckling ER nurse.

Gemini: Right now, opportunities are like flowers and you have your pick. Sniff a few and check for bees hiding on the stems, otherwise you may get stung.

Cancer: Spread some joy across your day on Wednesday. Sure, others may see it as manure, but it will still make things grow because you only spew high quality crap.

Leo: Quick, the universe isn’t looking: do what you want. It’s fine to ask forgiveness rather than permission, but it’s even better if that gamble pays off and you don’t have to ask for anything at all.

Virgo: The shortest distance between two points isn’t a line, it’s a piece of juicy gossip.  That stuff flies at the speed of light, so step out of the way before it whacks you on the head. It’s better to be conscious when you do damage control.

Libra: Beauty may be skin-deep, but not yours. You have a particularly voluptuous soul, too, so expect a few enlightened beings to follow you home when they see how your aura swings when you walk.

Scorpio: You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, so do the job right. Get the moles to sign off on the blueprints and make sure you have all the construction permits. Your clients will thank you when they see your mole condo masterpiece.

Sagittarius: Thursday looks like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but when you get closer you realize it’s just a really shaggy sheep. Give that baa-by a makeover and reveal a whole new ewe.

Capricorn: You can soar to great heights, but first you have to drop that baggage. There’s no overhead compartment on the Success Express, but don’t worry; you get a complimentary toothbrush when you hit Easy Street.

Aquarius: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re still bending over. Watch your back and prepare to mule kick someone sneaking up on you. Good thing you’re wearing those butt-kicking boots.

Pisces: Sometimes a great idea is like a ghost; you only see it out of the corner of your eye. Pull up your inner Venkman and do some ghostbusting this week, so you can confront  and conquer that spectral inspiration before it gets away again.


Aries: The world is about to beat a path to your door. If you don’t want that much company, you can always move to another town, or just go mad scientist and develop a tasering doormat. That will bring even more people to you, but they’ll have to be sneakier about it.

Taurus: It takes dozens of muscles to smile, but only a few to slap you so hard, you’ll land where even Google can’t find you. Find your own common sense before your loved ones line up for a good smack.

Gemini:  You can strive for excellence or waddle over to mediocrity. While ambition may land you in those skinny jeans, there is something to be said for the comfy, stained sweatpants of average.

Cancer: Know your own mind and you won’t be swayed by the strong winds of others’ wild ideas, mainly because you’re following your own demented tumbleweeds across the desert. It’s so much better to invent your own crazy than to follow someone else’s brand.

Leo: Did you just hear a pop? That’s your own butt muscles unclenching this week. Let them relax and flap in the breeze for a while, because emergency mode is done for now. Go ahead and pull that stick out of your tush while you’re at it.

Virgo: You may not have the right stuff, but you have a nicely weird assortment sure to gather a crowd at any flea market. Show off your awkward treasures, because handmade angst is so hot right now.

Libra: Tuesday isn’t your beast of burden, it’s more like a Chihuahua in your Coach bag. Don’t depend on it to do the heavy lifting, just expect it to pop out and bark at hairy dudes in Starbucks.

Scorpio: You have a great plan, you just need a new angle. Don’t worry about finding the right angle, just take the first one that’s acute.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about that last failure. Every dog has its day, although every lizard gets about two weeks. Maybe you should spend some time laying in the sun and sticking out your tongue, so you have all the bases covered.

Capricorn: Good news is coming your way, so remember to leave the key under the fake rock so it can get in and have some breakfast. If you don’t, it could end up on your neighbor’s couch, enjoying her muffins and you’ll never see it again.

Aquarius: Things are going your way, they’re just not going at the speed you want. Quit trying to find the Turbo button on that turtle and enjoy the achingly slow yet scenic ride.

Pisces: You’ve sent a lot of energy out into the universe, and Karma has hot-glued it together into one bizarre sculpture. Appreciate your own cosmic art, and others will, too.

Aries: You’re a few Cocoa Puffs short of a bowl, but you’re still sweet. Just don’t turn the milk brown when you sit in it or you’ll never be invited back to that day spa again.

Taurus: Get to the heart of the matter and you’ll understand everything. If you’re lucky, you can do it just by pressing an ear against someone’s lovely chest. If not, you’ll have to pry up a few floorboards, Poe-style.

Gemini: If you put your best foot forward, does that mean you have a worst foot? Next time you’re getting a mani/pedi, chip in the cash for both feet so you don’t have to hop to impress. Until then, one flip-flop and one Ugg boot will have to do.

Cancer: Just as you’re getting into your groove, someone scratches the record. The hipsters might panic but you know the old-school tricks, so keep the Scotch tape and quarters handy for a smooth beat.

Leo: It’s fine to keep your eyes on the prize, just remember to glance down occasionally so you know where you’re stepping. There’s a lot of cowpies between you and that shiny goal.

Virgo: Good news: your sex tape ends up a viral video. Bad news: it’s hashtagged as an Epic Fail. Put away the camera while you’re practicing that wild Kama Sutra move; all the footage proves you need better health insurance.

Libra: You could be a multimillionaire by next week if you just had a great idea, a way to market it and the ability to predict the next trend. But hey, putting your belly lint bracelets on Craigslist is a start.

Scorpio: Never ask the universe for wisdom, that only happens when nothing goes your way. Instead, stick your hand up for dumb luck: that’s the airheaded genie who grants wishes.

Sagittarius: High maintenance is not for you on Wednesday. You’re less “Princess and the Pea” and more “Chick with a Brick,” so go ahead and smash some expectations.

Capricorn: Sometimes a good mood is like a sock in a dryer: it was there just a minute ago, and now it’s gone. Don’t worry, socks and moods are easily replaced. Just keep the undies of compassion from shrinking so you don’t end up with a karmic wedgie.

Aquarius: Sometimes you wonder if the Universe is using your life as a drinking game, and The Powers That Be are belting vodka each time you stumble. They’ll pass out at some point so hang in there because your luck will change.

Pisces: You can feel that old fire burning in your breast, but is it passion or just heartburn? Pop an antacid and charge ahead; either way, you’ll be jet-propelled when it works its way through your system.

Aries: Some days you get the whole cupcake, other days you can only find a wrapper and some leftover sprinkles. Take the batter into your own hands and bake yourself a good day on Tuesday, complete with cream cheese icing.

Taurus:  Just when a ray of sunshine comes along, you can’t find the sunblock. Take a good look at where that bright spot is coming from before you step into the light, because even SPF 100 can’t protect against stupid.

Gemini: It’s great to think all you need is love, just don’t try to pay the cable bill with it. Take the whip and spike heels out of your Amazon shopping cart and put those pennies toward your HBO subscription for “Game of Thrones.”

Cancer: Comparing apples to oranges is one thing, but throwing in a moldy mango every time your co-workers aren’t looking makes for a very nasty fruit basket. Step up to top banana status and sweeten the pot, or you’ll receive a lot of raspberries.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: The journey of a thousand steps usually begins with you trying to find a pair of socks that match while hopping on one foot in the dark. Don’t worry, destiny doesn’t care if you coordinate your entire wardrobe.

Libra: Sure, the best things in life are free, but keeping them usually involves a car, a job and a premium cable package. Get crackin’, because you still have to buy the kids’ love with Legos this weekend.

Scorpio: Each day is a precious memory, especially since you now know to never go near that day-old taco stand again. That kind of knowledge is worth its weight in Pepto-Bismol.

Sagittarius: No one knows all the answers, but you’ve watched enough Discovery Channel to fake it when your kid asks the really tough questions like how babies are made or why there are so many reality shows about Alaska.

Capricorn: Someone will ask you an important question on Wednesday. Go ahead and say yes, unless the answer is no. Or maybe. Hey, we’re not a Magic 8-Ball here; that’s upscale toy technology. Just wing it.

Aquarius: It’s great that you love the Avengers movies, but the only way you can get away with yelling “Hulk smash!” at work is if you stomp grapes at a winery. If that’s the case, go for it, you’ll entertain your co-workers for a good ten minutes.

Pisces: You may feel like a leaf on the wind, but really you’re a piece of gum on the universe’s shoe. No one’s getting rid of you that easily, so stick to it.

Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.

Aries: Don’t panic when you hear scratching inside the wall. Opportunity doesn’t always knock on the front door, especially if it’s been up late reading Poe.

Taurus: You can slap on that party face, but everyone still sees the crabby bones underneath. Wear a mask to get your groove on, so no one thinks you’re Godzilla stalking the puny humans. Unless, of course, it’s a really weird party. In that case, to your own Hollywood monster self be true.

Gemini: Take the chance to make someone’s life brighter by turning the spotlight on their living room. Sure, they may see all their own flaws that way, but at least you’re not taking a black light into the bedroom.

Cancer: Tuesday brings joy, Wednesday brings laughter. Thursday is rude and doesn’t show up with a gift at all. Tell it you like wine.

Leo: Forget being the welcome mat; that’s not your style. Be the bird sitting above the doorframe, waiting for some sucker to walk through so you can gift them with a poop bomb.

Virgo:  Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because no one wants tiny Elvis jumpsuits for Beanie Babies anymore. Try making Elvis jumpsuits for artisanal potato sculptures.

Libra: You don’t have the right stuff, but what you do have would be very interesting to biologists looking for the next big thing in fungus. Show off those pea green/purple toenails on Pinterest and the scientists will come running.

Scorpio: Your mind says “sleek street rod,” but your body says “salvage yard reject.” Check yourself into the repair shop for some body work, or your rear end may fall off when you least expect it.

Sagittarius: You’re about to burst at the seams with juicy secrets. You can keep those confidences, or you can post vague, teasing hints on Facebook until you’ve whipped up all your friends into a curious frenzy.

Capricorn: You’ve found your bliss, but it refuses to get off the couch. If tempting it with a treat doesn’t work, try squirting it with a water bottle. You’ll both feel better once your bliss goes for walkies.

Aquarius: Grabbing the bull by the horns isn’t always the best way to make your point. Reach around in the other direction and you’ll have its full attention. You might even receive flowers the next day.

Pisces: Don’t be scared when a few good days pop up in your week. Approach them carefully and offer them cookies. If they stick around for snacks and conversation, they will scare off the bad days.

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