Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines. Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.
Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.
Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.
Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.
Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.
Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.
Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.
Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.
Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.
Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.
Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.
Pisces: You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.