Aries:  You’re a wild combination of good deeds and dirty thoughts this week. Feel free to help an old lady across the street, just don’t let her see that battery-operated rocket in your pocket. You might get more than you bargained for.

Taurus: Tuesday is a fantastic day if you want to get things done. If you don’t? Too bad. Pick up a mop and a barrel of bleach, because your room looks like a Jackson Pollack painting under a blacklight.

Gemini: If the future looks bright, it probably means a meteor hit it. Now is no time to be a dinosaur; evolve fast into something with wings so you can soar above the impact zone. Perhaps a cutting-edge eagle who knows how to fix wi-fi.

Cancer: Everyone agrees you’re awesome, so quit kicking your own butt and get on the bandwagon.  The seats are upholstered and fluffy, so your tushie won’t suffer.

Leo: Not everything needs to be fixed. Some times a situation isn’t broken, it’s just bent a little. Give it some room and it will spring back to shape without your screwdriver in it.

Virgo: The universe works in mysterious ways, but it also loves a good romance, too. Make yours one of those pop-up picture books and karma will provide the perfect character for your kinky story.

Libra: You are a sunset, you are a cloud, you are the wind. You also may have accidentally taken your mother-in-law’s happy meds at the family reunion. Ask your loved ones to tie a string to your ankle. They’ll either keep you grounded or fly you like a kite.

Scorpio: Love doesn’t judge. Your neighbors do, though, so ask the circus performers to put something on before they do the walk of shame out of your house on Monday morning.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you’re like a cat riding a Roomba: you don’t care what you’re wearing or where you’re going, as long as someone else is driving. Break out the shark costume and you could go viral.

Capricorn: Your boss has some peculiar ideas, and it falls to you to straighten her out. The world isn’t ready for 3-D printed pizza, no matter how much cheese you put on the plastic pepperoni.

Aquarius: You like a place for everything and everything in its place but you can’t put Baby in a corner. Seriously, did you learn nothing from Patrick Swayze in the 1980s?

Pisces: You’ve got the skill, but you need to dig deep and unearth it. If you can’t find a shovel, grab a spoon and start tunneling. Financial freedom and independence isn’t that far away.

Aries: If wishes were horses, they would really mess up your carpet. Wishes are actually helium balloons someone has rubbed against their leg and attached to your head. When you’re annoyed enough, you’ll finally work to make them come true.

Taurus: You can wait for good things to come to you, or you can find out where all the good things are made and get hired. The employee discount is awesome if you don’t mind occasionally dinged opportunities.

Gemini: Wednesday should be savored slowly. If you try to gobble it down fast, it will burn you like a microwaved burrito and you’ll look like a pug with its tongue hanging out for the rest of the week.

Cancer: To some, the glass is half-full, others see it as half-empty. You just want to know why there’s water in your glass instead of whiskey. Call over the waiter and get that straightened out.

Leo: That crazy plan of yours? Don’t try it until Friday and even then, wear thick gloves. Jalapeno jam and fake fur is very hard to wash off but it’s such a good look for your boss.

Virgo: There’s no stopping you, which means you may slam into your next opportunity instead of slowing down and cruising past. Thank goodness for karmic air bags.

Libra: You don’t have a lust for success, but you wouldn’t mind seeing it dance in glitter and a g-string. Maybe a lap dance with a better attitude will make your interest rise.

Scorpio: You can be born to greatness, or just find it at a flea market and sell it on eBay. It didn’t fit you anyway, and you’d rather have the money for a new 50-inch TV.

Sagittarius: Feeling fidgety and feverish? Have yourself checked for butt monkeys. They’re more dangerous than the Zika virus, because Zika can’t crawl out and trash your house while you sleep.

Capricorn: From small seeds, great things can grow and bloom, but they really shouldn’t be growing in the shower stall. Clean that bathroom grout before the greenery turns into Seymour.

Aquarius: If you love something, set it free, especially if it’s a relationship partner who eats your pizza and watches YouTube videos all day. Sometimes setting something free means dropping it off at its parents’ house and changing your locks.

Pisces: Life is like toilet paper: when you’re used to it rough, experiencing something soft and luxurious blows your mind. Get used to it, because your brand is changing to something much cushier on the tush.

Aries: Your brain wants full speed ahead, but your tush keeps going backward and two steps to the left toward the couch. Get everything in gear and going the same direction, and you’ll win the day. Or at least make it to the mailbox.

Taurus: Don’t be intimidated by angry birds. There are far worse things you can imagine, like vengeful birds who just had a full lunch and spot your freshly washed car.

Gemini: Progress feels slow, but you look like a speeding jackrabbit to someone on the outside. Once you hop over the finish line, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

Cancer: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both because they’re in a clearance bin at Walmart. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how to use 20 pounds of slightly iffy margarine.

Leo: Fighting the universe is like playing Twister with an octopus. Sooner or later, you’re going to get all tangled up. Relax, do some stretches, and take each turn as it comes.

Virgo: Sure, you’re good enough to go pro in the Paper Airplane League, but are you positive you want to leave behind all those accounting groupies who just want you to fill in their spreadsheets? Tough choice.

Libra: The road of life always has a few bumps. Those you can deal with, it’s the washed out bridge, the sinkhole, the chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers and the spiked speed strips you have to watch out for. You can do it, you’re a master of Mario Kart.

Scorpio: You’re a tuba player in Karma’s marching band on Wednesday: full of sass and air. Swing that swag and show off your moves. There could be a tuba scout in the audience waiting to catch the next big star.

Sagittarius: On Monday, you’re less “Flight of the Bumblebees” and more “Rolling of the Dung Beetles.” At least you can pack all the crap your job throws at you into one tight ball.

Capricorn: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re all glued to Pokemon Go right now. The only way you’ll get attention is by prancing naked with a Snorlax painted on your belly. Sometimes you don’t want to catch them all.

Aquarius: You see an opportunity, but it doesn’t see you. Walk up to it, take its glasses off, clean them and give them back. That should make a first impression, unless it screams and blasts you with pepper spray.

Pisces: Your head is always in the clouds, which explains why your neck is so stiff and achy. Do something different; stretch out on the grass and watch the clouds roll by. They’ll be grateful to not get caught in your eyebrows for a while.

Aries: Beware of bearers of bad news, and double your caution if they’re actual bears. It’s summer, and they’re just finding an excuse to eat you and take over your swimming pool.

Taurus: Life isn’t as bad as you think. It’s probably worse, but as long as you keep those rose-colored glasses duct-taped to your head, you’re good. Go out and enjoy yourself.

Gemini: Hearts and rainbows light up your path, and grateful peasants litter your lap with flower petals and cash this week, all because you make a great cup of coffee. Keep it up and you’ll have everyone under your caffeinated thumb.

Cancer: Others may be afraid of screams in the dark, but not you. You’re the one who scattered Legos across the floor so the bogeyman couldn’t get to you. Sleep sound, because you’re the one all creepy things tiptoe around.

Leo: You are a lighthouse in the fog of co-workers’ confusion. Shining brightly is well and good, but expect several ships crashing on the rocks while you go on vacation. Perhaps you can leave a disco ball in your place so they can admire something shiny while you’re gone.

Virgo: The greatest gift isn’t someone having your baby, it’s letting that person sleep in occasionally after they have your baby. Break out the Wiggles DVDs and Froot Loops if needed.

Libra: Sometimes progress is a slow march through the swamp, and other times it’s a high-stepping run because there’s a mad bull behind you. Thursday will be a mix of both, so wear waterproof socks and your best running shoes.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about fighting fair on Friday; it’s not the whole fair you must triumph over, just a few selected carnies and that guy who runs the batting cage. Throw corn dogs past your foes to distract them, and make a break for it.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs a little help sometimes, so quit biting that hand in front of you before it slaps your face off. Karma’s kindness has a strict limit on patience.

Capricorn: You can soar like an eagle, or waddle about like a penguin. Either way, you’re popular on the Internet. If only you could turn those likes and shares into rent money.

Aquarius: Nothing says “success” like a great ride, winning smile and a level 20 profile on Pokemon Go. If you can’t swing any of those, offer to buy the beer while your friends chase some Zubats.

Pisces: When the universe offers you too many options, you freeze in indecision. Thaw your mind and pick a card, any card. Karma will make the trick work in your favor, and all will be amazed.

Aries: You’re feeling more conspicuous than a Taylor Swift fan at a Kanye West concert. Instead of blending in, proudly stand out. If someone gives you a hard time, just write a song about them and collect your millions.

Taurus: The heart wants what it wants, but it’s just like a toddler; sometimes you must tell it ‘No.’ Especially if you don’t want it to blow up after a truckload of ice cream and bacon.

Gemini: You see a chance to improve yourself, and that’s good. Not every remodeling job requires a chain saw and Thor’s hammer.  Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Cancer: Sometimes when you think you’re meant for better things, it just means you get to work the register instead of the grill. Buck up and ask the universe for a promotion. You’ll still work hard, but you might get a tie and a few days of vacation.

Leo: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but then again, the Romans didn’t have you around. Slow your roll and take time with your empire. You want something to last longer than a Jenga tower of Styrofoam.

Virgo: The coast is clear, and no one suspects you. Time to whip off those underwear and make a beeline for the copier. Those end-of-quarter reports will never be the same again.

Libra: The time to wear a bikini is 2:44 p.m. on Thursday. It’s great if you’re at the beach, but even better if you’re at the office. Those disciplinary hearings are always a hoot when they’re trying to avoid your hooters.

Scorpio: Forget the song; life isn’t a cabaret. It’s more of a family circus, but with corn dogs and crying. Slap on that ringmaster’s hat and tame those wild offspring. The crowd will be amazed.

Sagittarius: You are praised, you are heroic, and you are untouchable. Everyone will be kind and thoughtful around you and do your bidding because you control the wi-fi. It’s good to be the king.

Capricorn: Karma’s got you covered this week. The wind will be at your back when you’re trying to get somewhere, and the breeze blows the other way when you have to fart.

Aquarius: If you wake up and the world is a beautiful place, it means you fell asleep with your VR goggles on again. Take them off, because life isn’t perfect, but it can be really funny if you know where to drop the banana peel.

Pisces: You’re moving forward so slowly, a snail is doing laps around you. Keep going; that braggy slug can’t keep up his frantic pace for long.

Aries: Every dog has his day, but an ambitious wombat can score a week or more. Instead of rolling over in the dirt, try to be more exotic. If you feel like a capybara, you could earn at least a month of Internet fame.

Taurus: You don’t have to reach for the stars, but at least reach for a dictionary. It will broaden your vocabulary or help you kill spiders. Either path gets you out of your chair.

Gemini: A lottery ticket purchased at 2:08 p.m. Wednesday will have a major effect on your life. Could be a jackpot, or it could keep you off the street when the out-of-control robot-driven car full of Roombas blasts through an intersection.

Cancer: Thursday is like a Facebook quiz; shallow, annoying and deep down you know you’re really Cinderella, not Scar from the Lion King. Wait until Friday rolls around, and you can try out another personality.

Leo: You’re upset that the road has been rough. What you’ll see on Tuesday is that the ride may have been bumpy, but you’re still moving forward. Make the most of it! Yell “Yee-haw!” and bounce with the potholes until you hit a smooth stretch.

Virgo: You’ve put in the hard work, now it’s time to reap the rewards. Don’t use a scythe, though; between that and the black hoodie you’re wearing, you could cause a lot of car wrecks while walking to the office.

Libra: Nothing’s impossible with a ferret at your side. Just don’t glue him to you, otherwise his fur will be messed up. Let him ride shotgun, so he can call out directions from Google Maps while you run the yellow lights.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you can’t find your groove. Borrow one from your favorite song. Play it in the original vinyl and you’ll find all the grooves you need.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling pricklier than a cactus with goosebumps. Quit trying to make everyont see your political viewpoint on Facebook and tackle something easier, like wrestling a short-tempered alligator. Or yoga. Yoga’s good.

Capricorn: It’s tough to find the beauty in every day, but you’ll have a better chance if you look behind the couch. It’s quiet, you have the space to yourself, and there’s usually a few forgotten Cheetos.

Aquarius: Life is for the living, which is good, because it’s really hard to get a zombie to go skydiving with you. Enjoy something that gets your blood pumping, and do it far away from that zombie.

Pisces: You finally have the courage to climb out of that hole, so don’t volunteer to jump back in when everyone wonders where you are. Make sure you have a firm grip on that tree before you wave to them.

Aries: You may already be a winner! Or not. Depends on if you believe your junk mail. In any case, you’ll have a nice chicken dinner lined up for Thursday night.

Taurus: It’s great when everything’s coming up roses, but they shouldn’t be sprouting in your laundry hamper. Time for some spring cleaning before weeds take over your bathroom grout.

Gemini: Change is coming your way. Could be dimes and nickels, or it could be that your life’s path needs a fresh diaper because everything has turned to poo. No matter what happens, you’ll feel better afterward.

Cancer: Someone wants you to play by the rules, but you’re too deep into some cool experimental jazz, daddy-o. Tell those squares to get hip, slap on your beret and lay down some wild melodies of your own.

Leo: The spotlight turned off, and you feel invisible. Wait for your eyes to adjust and you’ll see lots of people rooting you on, you just thought they were part of the woodwork. Remember to appreciate them when the spotlight hits you again.

Virgo: You can’t always tell beauty from the beast by looks alone. Wait for someone to speak their mind, and you’ll likely strike up a friendship with Mr. Big and Hairy, because Little Miss Princess is a high-maintenance diva.

Libra: Actions speak louder than words, and your boss is holding a megaphone up to your brain. Either take notes, or prepare to heavily pad your resume and hope your next employer is just as clueless as you.

Scorpio: You wake up with a great idea on Friday. While it could work, think everything through before you try to train a herd of cats to use coffeemakers. Sure, MeowBucks would be an awesome coffeehouse, but where will you put the litter boxes?

Sagittarius: When you’re right, you’re right. When you’re wrong, you’re so far off the mark you need to take an Uber to the target. This time, save some money and walk to the right conclusion. Your brain needs the exercise.

Capricorn: You’re like a roast beef and gravy-flavored Pop Tart. The idea of you is great, but you’re not so tasty in reality. Add some spice to your personal recipe and let your flaky crust show. You’re more pot pie material, anyway.

Aquarius: Sometimes life can use a little kick, as long as it’s to your pants and not your head. Learn to duck and dodge if you don’t want to be dizzy all weekend.

Pisces: Quit worrying about which path to take, dress up in your red riding hood and get out there. Sure, you may spot a few wolves, but you’re packing pepper spray and a stun gun in that basket.

Aries: You don’t have much at stake in the grand scheme of things, but you’re a power player in the small schemes. Just remember, don’t take candy from a baby if the mom has her iPhone out and can plaster your butt all over the Internet.

Taurus: When you feel very small, take comfort that tiny things have great power. Ants can carry off a picnic and chiggers can make a grown man twitch and strip. Go forth and annoy someone today.

Gemini: You receive a message from your past on Thursday. Listen to what it says and be glad it’s not an overdue cable bill.

Cancer: Feeling stuck in your life? Relax. It’s the ultimate thrill ride, and you’re just clicking up to the top. Keep your elbows and have that barf bag ready.

Leo: People think you’re harmless because you shaved your mane. They don’t realize it just makes you quieter when sneaking up on your prey. Be stealthy and they’ll never see  you coming around the photocopier.

Virgo: Like He-Man, you have the power, you just don’t have the abs to swing that sword. Do a little jazzercise and you’ll be ready for Castle Grayskull in no time.

Libra: People say still waters run deep, but they don’t know you’re basically a mud puddle. Don’t ruin the illusion; read a few weighty books and you can make your own splash in bigger waters.

Scorpio: Everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about it. When you do something about it, they call you a witch. Basically, you just need to hang out with a better class of people.

Sagittarius: Happiness isn’t about the big stuff. It’s in the little moments, like watching the dog lick your mother-in-law’s cup before she pours her coffee into it.

Capricorn: Don’t hide your light under a bushel, that’s a fire hazard. Let it shine responsibly on a flame-proof surface. Better yet, use a glowstick as your light and shake things up whenever you the feel the urge.

Aquarius: In the quiet reflection of the day, you discover the perfect comeback for the person who stole your parking spot. Don’t worry, you’ll get another chance to kick some verbal butt tomorrow. Write it on your hand so you don’t forget.

Pisces: You’re feeling out of place, like a typo on a tattooed librarian. When words fail you, just get your point across with butterflies and strangely appealing Spongebob poses. You’ll fit right in.

Aries: Wednesday is a good day to review your stocks. If you don’t have investments, have a staring contest with a cow. Either way, you get out of the house and your mom can change your sheets.

Taurus: Do you know where you’re going to? If the answer is “no” and you’ve just taken flight from a sharp corner of the overpass, quit reading on your phone and start screaming like a sane person would. Also, get a better GPS for the car.

Gemini: Looks like a good day ahead. Don’t worry, it won’t bite, but luck might lick you on the face. Offer karma a breath mint and be glad it’s a toy poodle of fortune and not a Great Dane.

Cancer: Not everything behind closed doors needs to be released. There’s a reason it’s called Pandora’s Box and not Pandora’s Bucket. Leave some things alone and they won’t give you a mega-wedgie later.

Leo: Want that big promotion? Take the next step. And the next. One more. See, now you’re in the boss’ office. Hop on his desk, do a leprechaun dance and tell him you’re the one for the job. No one can resist that.

Virgo: Dress for success on Tuesday. If you can’t swing that, at least wear pants when you leave the house. Sometimes success just means not getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Libra: So you’re not a diamond in the rough. Who cares? You’re at least a Cubic Zirconia in the rough, so you’re good enough for QVC or eBay. Flaunt your gorgeous discount self.

Scorpio: The Bluebird of Happiness swoops upon you this week, so turn off that 10,000 volt fence around your heart. It’s easier to enjoy life without the smell of burnt feathers.

Sagittarius: People don’t expect much from you, which is good on Friday. Fulfill their low expectations and surprise them with all of your big moves on Monday.

Capricorn: The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when there are two million of them hurtling past in an office supply truck. Watch your step, unless you see a pickup full of armed ninjas zooming to your rescue.

Aquarius: A mishap with a glue stick and some Monopoly money gets you mugged at a playground. Hope your insurance is paid up, because packs of toddlers are more vicious than honey badgers. Throw cupcakes at them and you can make your escape.

Pisces: You’ve been reaching for the stars, but you freak out when you actually catch one. Don’t panic, just put on some super heat-proof gloves so you can hitch your wagon to it.

Aries: If a wombat, Chris Rock and a peyote salesman walked into a bar together, they couldn’t dream up the week you’re about to have. Make sure your shoes are tied, your morals are loose and your insurance is paid up.

Taurus: Your muse isn’t a friendly little fairy on your shoulder. It’s hairy and dark and hiding under your bed. Offer it some cookies and be inspired—and a little scared—again.

Gemini: If you’ve been hiding your secret passion, bring it out into the open and let your freak flag fly. Not everyone will embrace your lust for Tennessee Ernie Ford in tap shoes, but they’ll give you plenty of room in the company kitchen.

Cancer: Take a deep breath and find your center. Is it caramel? Orange cream? Or are you filled with nuts? Ignore those who just want to stick a finger in you; sooner or later, someone will find you delicious.

Leo: You won the Oscar! You won the Oscar! Wait, that was just Leo DiCaprio. Take heart, you could still win “Most Improved Attitude” at work once you quit peeing behind the photocopier.

Virgo: All those inappropriate comments will finally land you in Human Resources, but don’t worry if you lose your job. With your brain and charisma, you could easily become a roadkill collector or President of the United States.

Libra: You’re pulling so many rabbits out of your hat, people will wonder if there’s a hole in your chapeau. At least you’re not yanking bunnies out of your pants; otherwise folks would just think you have a bunch of wild hares up your butt.

Scorpio: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, but a vegan can do both if you shoot him out of a cannon over a lake. You should find a new hobby, though, because once they hit land again, they can easily outrun and overtake you.

Sagittarius: Stay away from bearded men with axes, unless you work at a pioneer craft fair or are married to an incurable hipster. In that case, just keep an eye on them.

Capricorn: Yes, beauty is skin-deep, but ugly doesn’t go to the bone. It floats around a person, like a fart cloud that won’t fade. Keep your nose on alert while you’re among the beautiful people this week.

Aquarius: Take life one day at a time, unless you prefer a full house. Really, any sitcom title will do for Wednesday, because they all end with a lesson and a hearty laugh at the end.

Pisces: Don’t just push past the fear; slap it and give it a vicious wedgie. It’s kept you down for long enough, and it should know you’re not a pushover anymore.

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