Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.

Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.

Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.

Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.

Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.

Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.

Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.

Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.

Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.

Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.

Aquarius:  Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.

Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.

Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.

Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.

Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.

Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.

Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.

Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.

Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.

Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.

Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.

Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.

Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor.  Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.

Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.

Aries: You think you’re bad, but you’re not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If anything, you’re a ferret dressed like a hedgehog: rather prickly and able to squirm out of any situation. At least that comes in handy during political debates at the dinner table.

Taurus: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because you’re the one who set the alarm on your phone while you were drunk last night. It’s your own fault if you wake up to that Nickelback ringtone.

Gemini: Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, mainly because no one’s going to pay you to dress up your hamsters and take selfies all day. Maybe you should try to love accounting or customer service instead.

Cancer: Sometimes the answer to your deepest, darkest question isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s “What? Get away from me! Who are you? Help, police!” Probably best to not ask those things during the PTA meeting.

Leo: In a sea of laughter you’re stuck on an isthmus of pain. Time to break out the life raft and float to happier waters before you turn into a real-life frowny face emoji.

Virgo: Tuesday is like a snowglobe: it looks so pretty until someone shakes it too hard and it springs a leak. Next time, be more concerned about who handles your globes.

Libra: Whatever your problem is, you can lick it. Unless your problem is a frog with psychedelic oils on its skin. If that happens, you won’t worry about the frog or the big presentation you have at 3 pm with the new client.

Scorpio: Nothing expresses your love like a plate of barbecue, a six-pack of beer and the promise that you’ll leave them alone for a few hours. They get fed, and you can finally catch up on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Everyone wins.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about dieting, you look fabulous. It’s the holiday season so if your butt gets out of control from pumpkin pie and shortbread cookies, you can slip on a big green sweater and save money on a Christmas tree.

Capricorn: Your million-dollar idea goes bust after you discover that a website about life hacks doesn’t actually involve a machete. Don’t worry, you’ll come up with another scheme as soon as you make bail.

Aquarius: The best you can be is inside, but it’s buried really deep and the shrink-wrap is hard to peel off. For now, just be who you are until you get a metal detector and some longer thumbnails.

Pisces: Sometimes your creativity is a trickle, other times it’s a fire hose. Right now it’s one of those boy-peeing-in-a-fountain water features, so at least it’s useful and entertaining at the same time.

Aries: Things are going your way on Thursday, but don’t expect a limo. The most you’ll get for that hitchhiking thumb is a clown car unless you hike up those khakis and show some skin.

Taurus: Beauty surrounds you, but it’s not there to inspire, it just wants to shake you down for your lunch money. Hand it over before beauty smacks you right in the eye of the beholder.

Gemini: It’s fine to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, as long as you don’t step in dog poop. Otherwise, someone will be really pissed when they open their closet door tomorrow.

Cancer: There’s no accounting for taste, so you’re not expected to pay those fines from the fashion police. Feel free to spend that cash on yourself as long as you don’t buy more denim pantsuits or platform flip-flops.

Leo: Slow and steady may win the race, but it never impresses the chicks. Strut your fast and flashy self; all those ooohs and aaaaahs will make you feel more like a winner than any goofy trophy or horseshoe of roses.

Virgo: Quit whining about taking two steps back for every step forward. At least you’re in the right game. You could be like that poor sap to your left, who’s on a fast downward spiral in Chutes and Ladders.

Libra: You have a big day on Monday, so put your best foot forward in a strappy sandal with some toe glitter and you’ll win the day. Your worst foot should be kept in a ratty old tennis shoe. Sure, you’ll walk funny but you’ll feel fabulous.

Scorpio: Be careful when you do unto others as you want them to do unto you. Not everyone likes those leopard print handcuffs and leather dickeys. Whip out the plain missionary good deeds for the office and save those kinky untos for Saturday night.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the mouse, other days you’re the cheese. Either way, you’re not getting out of the maze so you go ahead and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Capricorn: You have a problem that’s harder to shake than a dryer sheet down the leg of your corduroy pants. You can strip down the situation and take a good look, but make sure your office door is closed first.

Aquarius: You can be part of the solution or part of the problem, but life’s far more entertaining if you’re part of the audience watching it all with a smirk and a bowl of popcorn.

Pisces: Everyone’s moving full steam ahead and you can’t even get a puff of smoke out of your big toe. Relax and work at your own pace; at least you won’t be sweaty when you cross the finish line.

Aries: Don’t complain about the breeze between your knees if you’re wearing a kilt in a wind tunnel. Some things you bring on yourself, like chapped butt cheeks.

Taurus: It’s not easy admitting you’re wrong, but it’s even more difficult to give a TED talk on the physics of blindfolded pole dancing.  If you’re limber and smart enough, great. If not, just hope your pasties stay in place.

Gemini: Karma isn’t just slipping you a goody bag of opportunities, it’s dragging a Santa-sized sack to your door.  Whatever you had to kiss to get there, it was worth it.

Cancer: You can make a statement without saying a word, and every eye will have a tear. Maybe next time you’ll rely on your soulful gaze instead of the five-alarm cabbage chili you had at lunch.

Leo: When the prize is at the bottom of the cereal box, you just turn it upside down and open it up. On Wednesday, quit flipping your Count Chocula and eat the whole box first, like a normal person. The sugar rush is part of the fun.

Virgo: If you knew Victoria’s secret, you would tell it. You’re in a chatty mood, so warn people upfront to not share military intelligence or the color of their underwear with you unless they want it on Instagram.

Libra: Work has been awkward since the incident with the canned spaghetti and the photocopier. Make amends by replenishing the office’s paper towel stash and promising to never interrupt the boss’ three-way in the supply room again.

Scorpio: Life is a parade, and you’re stuck with a broom, walking behind the horses. Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer.

Sagittarius: A single moment on Thursday leaves you breathless and light-headed. A toddler jumping from the couch onto your chest will do that. Maybe you should find a different place to practice your yoga.

Capricorn: Autumn leaves are falling from the trees, and the bare limbs bring some clarity to the neighborhood. Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show.

Aquarius: You know the answer before someone asks the question, and now you’re the go-to guru for sage wisdom. That’s good, because “what kind of dress should you put on a monkey for a first date” isn’t something Google is equipped to handle.

Pisces: You have moments of serene inner peace, punctuated by long stretches of seizing panic. You can decide to not sweat the small stuff or ask the doctor to up your meds. Either way, life is more pleasant.

Aries: You’re between a rock and a hard place. The seating isn’t that comfy, but the view is tremendous. Take a deep breath and enjoy the scenery before you shimmy through the cracks to escape.

Taurus: Not everyone has your incredible looks, sparkling wit and ability for self-delusion. Take pity on the little people and regale them with your supposed awesomeness. If they fall asleep during your chat, just wake them up with an elbow to the ribs.

Gemini: The road less traveled is peaceful, but there are no decent restaurants where you can buy pie. Follow the beaten path for a good meal, and save the wild roaming until you’re ready to live on granola bars and turkey jerky.

Cancer: You have the opportunity to make someone’s day. Do it with jazz hands and fabulousness instead of straight-on, Clint Eastwood style. If you can manage Eastwood jazz hands, give that a try, too.

Leo: Life is a garden, so stop and smell the flowers instead of kicking dirt over the zinnias. Not everything can come up roses but the wild blooms are just as sweet, as long as you don’t eat them.

Virgo: On Tuesday you’ll see a man about a ferret. Make him your friend, because the ferret has better health insurance and 401K than you do, thanks to his cute YouTube channel.

Libra: You want to shine brightly into the world, but somehow you just can’t switch it on. Check your batteries; you may have them installed backward or your contacts could be rusty. Have someone tug on your rear coil and see if that does the trick.

Scorpio: The right words come at the wrong time on Friday, so instead of impressing that hottie, you’ll probably just creep them out. Next time, write your pick-up lines before you order tequila.

Sagittarius: In every life, a little rain must fall. Your problem isn’t a gentle shower, though, it’s a torrential downpour of frogs and blue ice from airplanes. Hide inside for a few days until the world calms down.

Capricorn: Never give up, never surrender! Unless, of course, giving up means more money in your paycheck. It’s fine to have lofty goals but it’s even better to keep the lights on and the fridge going.

Aquarius: Don’t worry, you couldn’t explain yourself if you tried. Just thank the acrobats and the traveling salesman for a great night and buy a new inflatable pool for the neighbors. They’ll never get the chicken feathers and glitter out of the old one.

Pisces: Just when you get close to the finish line, someone moves the tape. You can keep running, or get a staple gun and make sure that sucker stays in place while you win.

Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, unless you’re into that. Lace up into those latex undies while Karma grabs the paddle. Add some fuzzy handcuffs, and you might help little old ladies across the street more often.

Taurus: Your answer is in the stars, but the night sky is a notoriously bad speller. Run any celestial messages through your phone’s Autocorrect. It may not get it right, but it will be far more entertaining.

Gemini: You have a quiet, analytical side, although it’s usually hidden under all the bells, horns and occasional foul-mouthed cockatoo. Dial down the circus and focus on yourself. Turns out you’re more of a bearded lady than a spastic clown.

Cancer: Good things come in small packages, but great things accompany an unlimited Gold card. Stick your hand in your neighbor’s pocket and see what you can score. You could end up with quite a handful.

Leo: Your dreams aren’t broken, they’re just bent out of shape. Iron out those creases and tell those elephant-sized doubts to go away and sit on someone else’s ambition.

Virgo: There’s nothing you can’t fix with bacon, vodka or duct tape. Pack all three for an upcoming weekend. It will end up as something you’ll never forget or two days you’ll never remember.

Libra: Knowing yourself is good, but sometimes even your mind needs a break from you. Put a little mystery in your relationship and avoid the navel-gazing inner journeys for a few days.

Scorpio: You’re a pair of draggy shoes and Monday is shag carpeting; somewhere there’s going to be sparks. If you’re going to get zorched, might as well sneak up on your boss at the same time and share the static.

Sagittarius: Every dog has his day and each wolf has his night, but you’re a coyote-poodle hybrid searching for the perfect mid-afternoon. Get ready, because Thursday gives you a chance to howl at the mailman from the comfort of the couch.

Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re chicken, but you know the henhouse better than they ever could. Strut around like the cock of the walk you are, and tell them to cluck off.

Aquarius: You know all the right moves, but you’re lost in the wrong tune. Drop the depressing 1980s soundtrack and belt out some Taylor Swift. It won’t make you dance any better, but it will embarrass your kids and that’s almost as good.

Pisces: Some days you’re a Cheerio floating in the milk, and other days you’re stuck to the side of the bowl. Life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not tangled in the dog’s fur and waiting for a toddler to stuff you up his nose.

Aries: Forget those who say there’s no time like the present. Next Tuesday works great, too, especially around 2 p.m. Don’t forget your inflatable platypus and rash ointment.

Taurus: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, unless you post them on your Instagram. It’s the perfect thing if you want the world to learn your parrot left you and there’s a weird fungus growing on your leg.

Gemini: You’ve got your dancing shoes on, but they don’t mix well with your cookie batter-eating sweatpants. Get your wardrobe on the same page before there’s a fight.

Cancer: All the world’s a stage, but instead of being the star you’re lurking under the floorboards. Quit trying to be the Phantom of the Opera; you’re coming off like a Scooby-Doo lighthouse keeper. Get in the spotlight where you belong.

Leo: You realize you’ve never been a special little snowflake; you’re bigger than that. You’re the sun! Shine on during Wednesday and you’ll melt all those snowflakes in their tracks.

Virgo: Everyone has a book in them, but sometimes it’s because they ate too much paste and paper in Kindergarten. Look inside and see if your book has any actual words in it, or if it’s just a pop-up book about Kanye West.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, some have it thrust upon them, but you slip in it while you’re walking the dog. Enjoy the fame but bring a plastic bag because you can’t get that out of your shoe.

Scorpio: Your boss is pissed, so review your week. Is it because you left a dead bug in his World’s Best Manager mug, or used his computer to download “Hot Lunchroom Ladies 4?” Eh, the man’s a mystery. Leave early on Friday to give him some personal space.

Sagittarius: This week, you don’t have to be the best, but you should do better than a participation ribbon, too. Any effort at all will thrill your family and that third place trophy will look great in the bathroom.

Capricorn:  You try to be a shining star on Monday, but you end up more like a sputtering glow stick. You’re not the brightest, but watching your antics is illuminating. Good thing your co-workers have your therapist on speed dial.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you stop to smell the roses and there’s a bee waiting inside the petals. After the screaming and flailing, the Benadryl nap is nice.

Pisces: You keep treading water, but that long, slow hiss of your deflating arm floaties is starting to wear down your nerves. Don’t worry, the shore is in sight and there’s a cocktail and a massage therapist waiting for you.

Aries: Be careful what you wish for, especially when you’re locked in the bathroom and out of toilet paper. Make time to read those 57 free subscriptions to the National Enquirer and US Weekly.

Taurus: There’s a spring in your step on Wednesday, and everywhere you go, you do a little dance. That’s what you get when you dry all your thongs on the high setting for ninety minutes.

Gemini: A great relief comes on Monday when you learn that no one actually expects anything from you. Just aim to wear pants on most days and pay the rent, and you’re good.

Cancer: You have a 2 p.m. appointment with a man in a trench coat. If you’re lucky, it’s Daniel Craig with nothing underneath. If you’re not so lucky, it’s your grandpa with nothing underneath. Better call the retirement home and make sure he’s on his medication, just in case.

Leo: Work has been difficult lately, but that’s no reason to jump atop the water cooler, swing your keyboard and demand the boss walk the plank. First you need to make sure the crew is ready to mutiny, then grab your keyboard.

Virgo: Three-hour meetings in the conference room become a lot easier when you discover the secret word. That word is vodka. Oddly enough, drunk you has better ideas than sober you, so there could be a new project in your future.

Libra: Everyone has a secret passion, but no one expected yours to be creating life-size sculptures of Liam Neeson out of cheese. Obviously you have a particular set of skills.

Scorpio: The best defense is a good offense, so insult your supervisor’s lack of fashion sense before you go in for your annual review. It will make the meeting move a lot faster.

Sagittarius: Your day is filled with sunshine. You should probably get those holes in the roof fixed before you end up with a couch potato tan line.

Capricorn: Every day is a gift, although Monday is an ugly two sizes too small from your great-aunt Gertrude. Accept it with a smile so you can get to the good stuff this weekend.

Aquarius: You’re working that mojo like a steampunk bagpipe, and some hottie is really digging your unique sound. Be careful, don’t strip your gears or toot at the wrong time.

Pisces: On the outside you’re calm, but on the inside you’re screaming like a banshee with a stubbed toe. Take some time and do a little first aid on your inner ouchie before you develop a twitch. Use a Hello Kitty bandage, that always makes things better.

Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder.  Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.

Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.

Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.

Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.

Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt  unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.

Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.

Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.

Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.

Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.

Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.

Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.

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