Your weekly forecast for March 25

Aries: If you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. After the fourth try, however, you should kick back, have a beer and figure out why success eludes you like a greased pig before you wrestle with it once more.

Taurus:  Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Gemini: There’s a better day coming to you, could be Tuesday or Wednesday. Set out the nice plates and glasses and get the best wine they offer at the local gas station. You want to make a good impression.

Cancer:  Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a bit of booty left.

Leo: You’re feeling out of touch, like an 8-track tape in a podcast world. Relax, retro is in fashion and someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.

Virgo: You make a colossal screw-up at work, but the boss laughs instead of firing you. Buy your boss and the ferret a drink once everyone gets out of the supply closet alive, and swear off bubble wrap.

Libra: Life can try to box you in, but your rat is too freewheeling for a maze. Break out the tiny skateboard and let your inner furball fly.

Scorpio: Forget what they say; go ahead and let the turkeys get you down. They give a pretty good massage as long as you’re wearing a really thick shirt. Don’t ask for a happy ending, or you’ll really be hen-pecked.

Sagittarius: You’re hit in the head with a baseball on Friday and develop temporary psychic powers. You can’t predict lottery numbers but you have a nice side business finding people’s car keys for them.

Capricorn: Grab the shades and the sunscreen, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Just don’t wear that thong bathing suit, because no one wants to be blinded by your butt cheeks.

Aquarius: Feeling lost in the universe? No one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos of people falling off tables on YouTube. Watch those for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Pisces: What you want is just within reach, but you can’t stretch any farther or you’ll fall. Don’t despair, just buy one of those grabber claws and snatch victory from the snarky jaws of defeat.

 

Your forecast for the week of March 4

Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.

 

Your forecast for the week of Jan. 28

Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but nowhere to do it. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama outlawed dancing, so you’ve got a lot of Footloose energy to spread all over town this weekend.

Taurus:  Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.

Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.

Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.

Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.

Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.

Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.

Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.

Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.

Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.

Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.

Your forecast for the week of Dec. 31

Flickr/Spencer Wright

Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are worse places to grab, and you’ll find out about those on Wednesday night. If you don’t like it, give ’em a karate chop on the snout.

Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.

Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so the E! Channel won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.

Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted a second longer than a bag of donuts at a parent/teacher conference meeting.  That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable carrot sticks on the refreshment table.

Libra: You want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing your cat in a bustier: nothing is in the right place. Work on your motivation and give kitty the day off.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.

Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, unlike the box of wine you drain as soon as your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!

Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. Could be a new job, or could be in Vegas, singing Ed Sheeran songs and pulling singles out of your underwear.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.

Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.

Your forecast for the week of Dec. 18

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2019 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweatpants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 26

Flickr/zeevveez

Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?

Taurus:  On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop.  This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.

Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two.  Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. Make sure it’s iceberg, and not romaine.

Cancer: You’re so bored, you’re one step away from raiding the sock drawer to make puppets and recreate scenes with Rachel and Ross from “Friends.” Hey, it gives you something to do while you’re on a break.

Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a triple rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.

Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.

Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, your next door neighbor would likely pay $5 to see it.

Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll either witness an amazing joke or the start of a Twilight movie reboot. Could be some laughs either way.

Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.

Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Aquarius: Regarding that big question that’s been on your mind: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.

Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 12

Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 29

Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen.  After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 22

Aries: Get over yourself. If the sun truly shines out of your rear, you would be blasting through a lot more furniture.  Keep your pants on and let the Universe take the credit for an occasional good day.

Taurus: Sure, you can have it all, but where would you keep it? Clean out your closet before setting those goals; the whole enchilada takes up a lot of room, and it doesn’t share well with your massive People magazine collection.

Gemini: You are ready to tackle life and wrestle it to the ground, but you weren’t counting on life wearing shoulder pads. Some days all you can do is hang on to life around the ankles and let it drag you around for a while.

Cancer: Some days you’re mooning the world, other days you’re the window. Wipe the butt prints off your head and be glad you’re not the one with the huge crack.

Leo: Feel free to dress for success, as long as you’re not shopping in the Emperor’s New Closet for an outfit. Sometimes clothes don’t make the man, they just make everyone else’s day. Plus, sunscreen can sting those sensitive spots.

Virgo: You can’t really know the future by texting it and being Facebook friends with it. You have to meet it face to face and realize the future is a special kind of crazy. Be glad it turns into your past on Friday.

Libra: Thursday will be the kind of day you want to rub up against while wearing velour, just so you can see the sparks fly. Tighten those bolts on your neck, because you could lose your head over Thursday.

Scorpio: Your social life has been so dreadful, even your bunny slippers don’t want to have anything to do with you. Wiggle into those leather pants, slip into those thigh-high boots and make an impact during lunch on Friday. If nothing else, your other problems will fade away when you forget the talcum powder.

Sagittarius: Who can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew? Anyone who has a toddler looking for a bathroom. Life can’t be all beer and Skittles; sometimes it’s milk and Cheerios. That’s okay, beer and skittles is how you got here, right?

Capricorn: You didn’t cause the 15-car pile-up known as your life, but you didn’t help matters by mistaking the radio button for the windshield wipers. Get off the curb and pay attention before someone has to pull a bumper out of your third chakra.

Aquarius: Your happy place may have surround sound and leather recliners, but it doesn’t have space to change your life. Pack a backpack and get out of your comfort zone so you can make a difference.

Pisces: No one knows what they’re truly capable of until they try to read a book while someone kicks the back of their seat for four hours. If you make it through Friday without giving someone their own foot as an enema, kudos to you.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 1

Aries: A straight line is the quickest route between two points, but you’ve never been the logical one. Go ahead and take that Crazy Straw path to your destination. If nothing else, you could be hired by Google Maps.

Taurus: A question of the ages looms before you. Weigh your options carefully, then decide between the pumpkin spice bagel or the cream-filled pastry. This will be the most important decision you make before lunch.

Gemini: Someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, but they don’t know you’re basically a haunted house. Flap your shutters at them a few times and rattle some chains. They’ll take the hint.

Cancer: If you knew then what you know now, you would have been so obnoxious then that you wouldn’t have learned anything to know what you know now. Ignorance can be bliss, especially for other people.

Leo: There’s a light in your eyes, but this time it’s not from sticking a fork into a toaster. You’ve been struck with actual inspiration, so wipe the soot off your head and make a plan. It’s just crazy enough to work.

Virgo: You’ve been singing the song of your people to everyone at work. Unfortunately, that ditty includes a great deal of whining, moaning and basic bellyaching. Try a new tune before someone manually resets your mental playlist.

Libra: You’re feeling sexier than a deserted room filled with fresh donuts and free wi-fi. Rub a little frosting behind your ear and tell your sweetie to be ready for some high-speed fun. After that, you can buffer together.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you forget all the words to your personal soundtrack. Make some up, or just hum a few bars until it all comes back. Don’t be surprised, though, if everyone prefers your on-the-spot remix.

Sagittarius: You may feel like you’re sinking, but look closer: you have at least a half dozen of those floaty life rings wedged around your middle. Quit exhausting yourself fighting the current and tell your crew onshore to reel you in.

Capricorn: Sure, love is the answer, especially if the question is “What can kick you in the balls and make you feel happy about it?” If you’re not ready for that kind of love, wear a cup on Thursday.

Aquarius: You can reach for the stars all you want, but you won’t get far unless you build the rocket ship to get you there. Dreams that come true are usually backed up with skills and experience, so get cracking.

Pisces: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, pick a tall one and build a nice treehouse instead. Who needs the whole forest when you’ve got your own mighty oak equipped with cable TV and a recliner?