Aries: You’re used to the universe smiling down, so when it sneezes on you instead, all you want is to wash your hair. Karma’s head cold won’t last long, although you might want to wear a hat until it’s gone.
Taurus: Your soul was meant to fly, but will you soar like an eagle, or circle like a buzzard? Leave dead issues alone; if you pick at them, you won’t curry favor, just carrion breath.
Gemini: You’re feeling bolder than a new bag of Doritos, and your zest for life means no one’s putting you down. Hand out the Wet Wipes, because you can’t help leaving behind a spicy residue.
Cancer: If you can’t see the forest for the trees, ask a friend to drive you around until you replace those contact lenses. Otherwise, you’ll act like a birch and run over someone’s ash.
Leo: Nothing written in stone; sometimes it’s spelled out in Silly Putty, so quit chiseling at blocks to get the answer you want, sit down and have some fun. Karma makes an awesome play date.
Virgo: On Tuesday, nothing makes sense: dogs live with cats, reality stars are fully dressed and polite and politicians get sensible things done. Check your mailbox for cash, because anything could happen.
Libra: You’ll identify the rational, logical choices in your life and skid in between them at 90 miles an hour while doing a wheelie. If you crash, take comfort that your friends posted it on YouTube, so at least you’ll be a warning to others.
Scorpio: You find new joy in your work with a package in the mail. Inside it is a bright, new attitude and a remote controlled farting machine; both will make the days pass faster.
Sagittarius: When confronted with open doors, you usually pick a locked, two-story window. Put away the ladder and choose an easy opportunity; there’s no banana peel waiting across the threshold.
Capricorn: This week you’ll make a discovery that will either change the world or destroy it; just depends on how much cheese you use. Go for the good stuff. If it explodes, the entire continent will be one tasty fondue pot.
Aquarius: You say you don’t want to rock the boat, but you’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, take the hint and drop the drama.
Pisces: The person that said “having isn’t as good as wanting” never stumbled across an unbelievable clearance sale on payday. Snap up those bargains; a great deal can keep you warm at night, especially if it’s battery-powered.