Aries: You’re used to the universe smiling down, so when it sneezes on you instead, all you want is to wash your hair. Karma’s head cold won’t last long, although you might want to wear a hat until it’s gone.

Taurus: Your soul was meant to fly, but will you soar like an eagle, or circle like a buzzard? Leave dead issues alone; if you pick at them, you won’t curry favor, just carrion breath.

Gemini: You’re feeling bolder than a new bag of Doritos, and your zest for life means no one’s putting you down.  Hand out the Wet Wipes, because you can’t help leaving behind a spicy residue.

Cancer:  If you can’t see the forest for the trees, ask a friend to drive you around until you replace those contact lenses. Otherwise, you’ll act like a birch and run over someone’s ash.

Leo: Nothing written in stone; sometimes it’s spelled out in Silly Putty, so quit chiseling at blocks to get the answer you want, sit down and have some fun. Karma makes an awesome play date.

Virgo: On Tuesday, nothing makes sense: dogs live with cats, reality stars are fully dressed and polite and politicians get sensible things done. Check your mailbox for cash, because anything could happen.

Libra: You’ll identify the rational, logical choices in your life and skid in between them at 90 miles an hour while doing a wheelie. If you crash, take comfort that your friends posted it on YouTube, so at least you’ll be a warning to others.

Scorpio: You find new joy in your work with a package in the mail. Inside it is a bright, new attitude and a remote controlled farting machine; both will make the days pass faster.

Sagittarius: When confronted with open doors, you usually pick a locked, two-story window. Put away the ladder and choose an easy opportunity; there’s no banana peel waiting across the threshold.

Capricorn: This week you’ll make a discovery that will either change the world or destroy it; just depends on how much cheese you use. Go for the good stuff. If it explodes, the entire continent will be one tasty fondue pot.

Aquarius: You say you don’t want to rock the boat, but you’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, take the hint and drop the drama.

Pisces: The person that said “having isn’t as good as wanting” never stumbled across an unbelievable clearance sale on payday. Snap up those bargains; a great deal can keep you warm at night, especially if it’s battery-powered.

Aries: No matter where you go, there you are. Unless your GPS needs updating, in which case you’re located two miles away near a creek or a stoplight. Recalculate and go find yourself.

Taurus: The brightest star can’t compare with the shining example you’ve become. Breaking open a thousand glow sticks and painting yourself was artistic, but getting to sleep will be a challenge for a while.

Gemini: There’s nothing but blue sky ahead of you, which is unsettling because you’re sure you were driving a car just a few minutes ago. Looks like you’ve discovered the Weasleys’ magic ride; remember to stay securely fastened until you land.

Cancer: All’s fair in love and war, but the PTA is a free-for-all. No one would blame you if you snuck laxatives in Ms. Perfect’s brownie mix for the big bake sale. In fact, it would clear the air in more ways than one.

Leo: You can take advice from a rabbit or a turtle this week, but the big question is: when did you start hearing animal voices in your head? Listen to the concerned wombat and get your medication levels checked.

Virgo: Everyone needs a little help now and again. You just didn’t expect it from such an unlikely source. Who knew Tinder could be used to check your kale smoothie recipe? Next time, ask that fit dude if he has any great ideas about sausage stuffing.

Libra: You’re not sure whether the light in that tunnel is an oncoming train or a speedy Road Runner with a flashlight strapped to his helmet. Either way, get out of there, because you’re clearly outwitted.

Scorpio: They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but sometimes that one step is a journey by itself. Aren’t you glad you moved the fridge into the living room next to your recliner?

Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, like the feeling of knowing your teenager is searching desperately for their phone, and you’re sitting on it. The buzzing from all those texts is starting to tickle your butt, though.

Capricorn: Wednesday is an excellent day to get what you want, so boldly stride into that building and demand extra sprinkles on your half-mocha soy caramel sea salt eggplant cappuccino. You’ve earned it.

Aquarius: You realize that you’ve been on Facebook for 47 hours and you can’t remember the last time you saw a face or a book. Go outside and see if you can hold an actual conversation.

Pisces: Lock yourself in a quiet room. Hear the sounds of nature outside your window. Listen to the birds. There, you’ve finally got that Adele song out of your head. Oops, spoke too soon. Rats.

Aries: The old year had much to teach you, but you sat in the back and shot spitballs at the chalkboard. Sit up straight and pay attention to 2016, and not just because it roars in with a whip, a chair and pop quizzes.

Taurus: To thine own self be true, but around everyone else, feel free to fake it. If you can’t be charming offer a reasonable facsimile until a good mood smacks you in the forehead again.

Gemini: You’re on a new adventure, so make sure you’ve packed healing potions, med packs and a few extra lives plus any cheat codes you can find. Daily life can make D&D or HALO look like a walk in the nerd park.

Cancer: If someone says your best is not enough, walk right up to them, pull out your inner Brando and yell “STELLA!” That way, they’ll be temporarily deaf while you tell them what you really think of their opinion. Also, update your resume.

Leo: Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars. You won’t be able to grab them, but it’s a terrific stretch for your back. Sometimes ambition is better than yoga.

Virgo: You know all the wrong answers to all the right questions. It won’t get you very far in life but you’ll be more fun to be around. Everyone needs a drunken ferret wrangler’s number in their phone.

Libra: You can follow your heart or your head, both have decent GPS. Just don’t follow directions from anything lower down; that doesn’t follow a map to success, just a cheap road trip to WhoopeeTown and a side road to Penicillin.

Scorpio: Today may seem a mess, but don’t worry, It’s nothing that a trained wombat, a box of gluten-free pancake mix and two tickets to Bermuda can’t fix.

Sagittarius: This Tuesday is a shiny new hoverboard; it looks fun, but it will burst into flames when you least expect it. Sometimes falling off is the best solution, even if it does end up on YouTube.

Capricorn: Life is a series of beautiful accidents and a few really ugly coincidences. Know which is which before you strap on those beer goggles so you can wake up without screaming.

Aquarius: If you think out of the box, remember to save the receipt. You’ll need it when your latest scheme for wealth, power and world domination hits the fan.

Pisces: There’s nothing wrong with hiding under a rock. Sometimes you meet some very cool lizards there. You should squirm out every now and again for some sunshine, too, if for no other reason than to restock the tequila shelf for you and your new scaly friends.

Aries: Tuesday is a great day for new adventures, such as a bike trip, hike to a waterfall or cleaning out the fridge to see what’s making that growling noise when the light goes off. Hint: it’s the seven-month-old tuna salad.

Taurus: You think you’re headed for a home run, but you haven’t even left the dugout. Work on your moves. If that doesn’t fly, work on your begging and you just might make it to second base.

Gemini: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it so deliver that bad news on Friday with finger guns, tongue clicks and an occasional eye twitch. The other person will be too confused to get angry.

Cancer: Your days will be merry and bright only if you get your calendar drunk and hold it next to a Yule log. Don’t worry, the new year looks much better, especially since you can’t see it clearly due to that hangover.

Leo:  You can do great things when you set your mind to it, but your half-assed projects are pretty cool, too. Blow someone’s mind this week by doing something impossible while watching an infomercial and texting the iTunes terms and conditions.

Virgo: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that’s only because you haven’t found someone really hard to rub up against. Find your whetstone and make some friction.

Libra: If your sweetie says they’re never gonna give you up and never gonna let you down, look closely. You may be dating a YouTube video. At least you have someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, and you might even get a quick Rickroll in the hay.

Scorpio: Not all answers can be revealed; some are hidden better than Charlie Sheen’s common sense. Look for the truths wearing underwear, not just a tube top and a smile.

Sagittarius: Sometimes life throws tiny purple hippos at your head and never tells you why. Don’t pout and ask “Why me?” Collect those little darlings and start a Purple Hippo Rescue Ranch. You don’t need the universe’s permission to do good.

Capricorn: There’s beauty in a flower, unless it’s being shoved up your nose at 5 a.m. by a toddler. You really need to put a lock on the bedroom door before you wake up and sneeze Apple Jacks.

Aquarius: Whenever you feel truly alone, know this truth: if you’ve gone outside the house today, you’re probably in at least five selfies of other people. Thanks to Instagram, you’re more popular than you realize.

Pisces: You’re so experienced at hanging in there, baby, you can tell the kitty in the poster to take a vacation. You got this.

Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you’re the one with a mop. Don’t worry that you’re missing the spotlight, just think of all the dirt you can collect on those wannabe divas.

Taurus: Wanting to be secure is a sane choice, but the tinfoil hat is not. Relax, the bogeyman has problems of his own, he has no time to fulfill your paranoid fantasies.

Gemini: You have a 1000-watt smile and a 5-watt brain this week. Don’t let your mouth get you in over your head, let those grey cells enjoy a bit of rest. Just don’t kill them off with the 2-for-1 margarita night.

Cancer: It’s great to be compassionate, but no matter what the posters say, you can’t always change the world overnight. Focus on what you can change, such as your underwear or the outcome of The Voice.

Leo: You want to be Andy Griffith, but your day ends up in a Barney Fife tizzy. Learn to laugh at yourself or you’ll develop a nervous twitch and delusions of backwoods grandeur.

Virgo: Scratch off that cosmic ticket, because you won this week’s Wheel of Luck! Redeem your luck at a participating Karmic station and be glad you didn’t win the Wheel of Fish.

Libra:Follow through on those instincts this Wednesday. You have business savvy and style to spare, so no matter what happens, your butt is covered. And covered beautifully, we might add.

Scorpio: Your ship has come in, and it’s a pirate’s dream. Shake that ill-gotten booty and flash your treasure chest for a chance to walk someone else’s plank.

Sagittarius: Thursday makes you crabbier than a Yeti after a bikini wax. Take a deep breath and rip off the big, hairy deal bothering you. The truth may sting, but you’ll walk normally in a few days.

Capricorn: Some people turn their lives into masterpieces, but yours has become a low-budget B movie. Work on your casting and whip up some special effects. With a little effort, you could be the next Sharknado.

Aquarius: Watch your step; you’re not on the yellow brick road, you’ve just wandered into a path filled with yellow snow. Next time, wear your glasses and you won’t mistake a giant poodle for the mayor of Oz.

Pisces: Your ideas have dribbled through for a while, but now you’ve struck a gusher. Remember that not everyone is riding the wild imagination truck with you, so be nice and don’t turn the fire hose on them. You can let them pet the Dalmatian, though.

 

Aries: Some days you’re the star of your own show, other days you’re just a face in the ensemble. Square up those Spanx, kiddo, because you finally get your close-up on Friday. Play your cards right, and you won’t get bumped off for a younger, hipper character.

Taurus: Love makes the world go round, but passion causes it to quiver on its axis. Find what makes you whirl, be it man, woman or sexy pizza rat. Just don’t choose Pokemon cards again, your parents are embarrassed enough as it is.

Gemini: Life is for the living, which is handy, because zombies really don’t care. Go out and show off those curves in a glitter tube top and bike shorts. The undead can’t make fun of you, they’re all staring at their phones.

Cancer: You know what you want, it’s time to go and get it. Don’t worry, the universe knows how you are and is sending you a coupon for it. Destiny is great, but a good deal is even better.

Leo: Be cool when your dreams come true this week, unless it’s the one about Benedict Cumberbatch and the jar of Nutella. In that case, feel free to squeal out loud. Everyone will understand.

Virgo: No matter how hard you try, you can’t run like the wind. The breeze has no feet. Grab a jet pack and chase the wind on its own turf, just watch out for tornadoes and the occasional bird strike.

Libra: Your boss has a Woody for efficiency, but that’s okay, because filing gives you a great Buzz. Maybe you two should meet after hours and discuss your Toy Story addiction while no one else is around.

Scorpio: It’s good that your job keeps you on your toes, even if it does make you walk funny. At least when you step in dog poop, it’s easier to clean off your shoe.

Sagittarius: Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. They can laugh all they want at your failures, as long as they pay to see them. Just wave at the crowds when you pass by in your Cadillac, right before you crash it into a Wienermobile.

Capricorn: When life kicks you in the butt, turn around and demand “Who made you the boss of me?” After it bashes you in the face a few times, buy it a beer and steal its wallet while it isn’t looking.

Aquarius: Be brave, be smart, be bold, and you’ll end up the most boring person at the Christmas party. Grab that lampshade and give yourself something to regret on Instagram tomorrow.

Pisces: Even when things are going your way, they take Apple Maps to get there. Hang on tight, unless you have to dodge traffic.

Aries: You were the talk of Thanksgiving dinner when you decided to use up all the uneaten Halloween candy corn by mixing it in the stuffing. In the future, your family will refer to it as “the time we all had our stomachs pumped together.”

Taurus: Black Friday is tough when you sober up and discover that instead of a “Frozen” Barbie from Toys R Us, you bought a knockoff Barbie with real stripper pole action from Spencer’s. At least you’ll have a present under the tree.

Gemini: When your relatives get on your nerves, breathe and remember the small blessings of the holiday. Also, the fact that the cat has probably rubbed its butt on everyone’s pillows.

Cancer: You get an urgent text while putting up the decorations this weekend and forget about the air hose blowing up the inflatable figures. Instead of a Grinch holding gifts, you end up with Shrek and he’s really happy to see you. Deflate and try again before the calls pour in from the neighbors.

Leo: You’re suddenly feeling a tremendous amount of holiday spirit. Could be gratitude for all you have, or it could be that Grandma used two whole bottles of liquor in the rum cake. Either way, you’re glowing.

Virgo: Don’t panic when you realize you accidentally donated all the Christmas decorations to Goodwill this summer, just declare that you’re celebrating Festivus instead. If you’re going to hear everyone complaining, might as well make a holiday of it.

Libra: Give thanks for all the good things in life on Thursday, such as not having to see Kim Kardashian’s naked butt all over television and your computer monitor this year. Thanks, 2015!

Scorpio: Your plan to escape dish duty after the big meal and lose yourself in football is almost successful until your uncle Melvin sits down. After he farts the National Anthem, scraping plates doesn’t sound so bad.

Sagittarius: All’s fair in love and war, and Black Friday is a bit of both. Remember, using your taser is bad form unless someone steals a TV from your cart. In that case, zap away.

Capricorn: No one knows you hid the extra pumpkin pie under your bed until your ferret rushes out and starts vomiting all over the family card game, forcing all your relatives to leave. Good ferret.

Aquarius: Feeling lonely this weekend? You’re never alone on the Internet. Snarf down some Chinese food while you argue with people about Donald Trump on Periscope and you’ll have the full Turkey Day experience.

Pisces: When someone yells about boycotting a Friday shopping trip, agree with them and celebrate the holiday as you prefer: chasing them around with bottle rockets leftover from July 4th. That’s so much more satisfying than a great deal on a tablet.

Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.

Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.

Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.

Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.

Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.

Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.

Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.

Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.

Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.

Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.

Aquarius:  Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.

Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.

Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.

Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.

Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.

Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.

Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.

Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.

Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.

Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.

Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.

Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.

Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor.  Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.

Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.

Aries: You think you’re bad, but you’re not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If anything, you’re a ferret dressed like a hedgehog: rather prickly and able to squirm out of any situation. At least that comes in handy during political debates at the dinner table.

Taurus: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because you’re the one who set the alarm on your phone while you were drunk last night. It’s your own fault if you wake up to that Nickelback ringtone.

Gemini: Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, mainly because no one’s going to pay you to dress up your hamsters and take selfies all day. Maybe you should try to love accounting or customer service instead.

Cancer: Sometimes the answer to your deepest, darkest question isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s “What? Get away from me! Who are you? Help, police!” Probably best to not ask those things during the PTA meeting.

Leo: In a sea of laughter you’re stuck on an isthmus of pain. Time to break out the life raft and float to happier waters before you turn into a real-life frowny face emoji.

Virgo: Tuesday is like a snowglobe: it looks so pretty until someone shakes it too hard and it springs a leak. Next time, be more concerned about who handles your globes.

Libra: Whatever your problem is, you can lick it. Unless your problem is a frog with psychedelic oils on its skin. If that happens, you won’t worry about the frog or the big presentation you have at 3 pm with the new client.

Scorpio: Nothing expresses your love like a plate of barbecue, a six-pack of beer and the promise that you’ll leave them alone for a few hours. They get fed, and you can finally catch up on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Everyone wins.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about dieting, you look fabulous. It’s the holiday season so if your butt gets out of control from pumpkin pie and shortbread cookies, you can slip on a big green sweater and save money on a Christmas tree.

Capricorn: Your million-dollar idea goes bust after you discover that a website about life hacks doesn’t actually involve a machete. Don’t worry, you’ll come up with another scheme as soon as you make bail.

Aquarius: The best you can be is inside, but it’s buried really deep and the shrink-wrap is hard to peel off. For now, just be who you are until you get a metal detector and some longer thumbnails.

Pisces: Sometimes your creativity is a trickle, other times it’s a fire hose. Right now it’s one of those boy-peeing-in-a-fountain water features, so at least it’s useful and entertaining at the same time.

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