Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.
Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.
Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.
Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.
Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.
Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.
Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.
Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.
Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.
Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.
Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.
Pisces: You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.