Aries: Watch out for tall men with pomegranates taped to their foreheads. They have enough problems without you adding to their therapy bill. Save your drama for someone less attached to their produce.
Taurus: If a Bigfoot screams and falls down in the forest, did it really happen? Carry a few Band-Aids in your pocket on Tuesday and find out.
Gemini: Share love and everyone feels better, but sharing misery makes you feel better. On Wednesday, it’s okay to look after yourself. Besides, those too-sunny personalities in your life need a day or two of clouds so they can grab some more sunscreen.
Cancer: Look at your in-laws through rose-colored glasses. A glass or two of Merlot usually does the trick, unless you have a particularly sassy Cabernet. Those visits will be far less painful this week.
Leo: When one door closes, another one opens. Thanks to your lockpicking skills, though, a door is never truly closed. Sneaking in will give you better opportunities, mainly through fresh blackmail material.
Virgo: People say you can be right or you can be happy, but they forget about the third option: cluelessness. Skip through your Monday with wild, air-brained abandon, and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows better.
Libra: When you’re pushed to your limits, add a patch of Spandex so you can stretch a bit farther. You won’t be stylish, but you’ll get the job done. Reward yourself with a snazzy new pair of sweatpants.
Scorpio: Someone gives you a difficult math problem on Friday. Tell them the solution, and just pat them on the head when they say you’re wrong. Silly people. The answer to any problem is always pie.
Sagittarius: A thought races through your head in the morning. Don’t panic, it’s just looking for a new home. Grab some feed and a sign saying “Free Bird Seed.” You’ll catch those roadrunning thoughts in no time.
Capricorn: Count your blessings, because one may have rolled under the couch. That’s okay, just run it under some cool water to get all the fuzz and melted gummy bears off it.
Aquarius: You’re running at full steam so ignore those who say you’ve gone off half-cocked. Give them no quarter once you’re arrived at your destination.
Pisces: Life is a dance, but you’re hopeless at the waltz. Go ahead and break out that funky chicken; who wants to be graceful and forgotten when you can be hysterical and a legend in your own time?