Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.

Aries: Don’t panic when you hear scratching inside the wall. Opportunity doesn’t always knock on the front door, especially if it’s been up late reading Poe.

Taurus: You can slap on that party face, but everyone still sees the crabby bones underneath. Wear a mask to get your groove on, so no one thinks you’re Godzilla stalking the puny humans. Unless, of course, it’s a really weird party. In that case, to your own Hollywood monster self be true.

Gemini: Take the chance to make someone’s life brighter by turning the spotlight on their living room. Sure, they may see all their own flaws that way, but at least you’re not taking a black light into the bedroom.

Cancer: Tuesday brings joy, Wednesday brings laughter. Thursday is rude and doesn’t show up with a gift at all. Tell it you like wine.

Leo: Forget being the welcome mat; that’s not your style. Be the bird sitting above the doorframe, waiting for some sucker to walk through so you can gift them with a poop bomb.

Virgo:  Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because no one wants tiny Elvis jumpsuits for Beanie Babies anymore. Try making Elvis jumpsuits for artisanal potato sculptures.

Libra: You don’t have the right stuff, but what you do have would be very interesting to biologists looking for the next big thing in fungus. Show off those pea green/purple toenails on Pinterest and the scientists will come running.

Scorpio: Your mind says “sleek street rod,” but your body says “salvage yard reject.” Check yourself into the repair shop for some body work, or your rear end may fall off when you least expect it.

Sagittarius: You’re about to burst at the seams with juicy secrets. You can keep those confidences, or you can post vague, teasing hints on Facebook until you’ve whipped up all your friends into a curious frenzy.

Capricorn: You’ve found your bliss, but it refuses to get off the couch. If tempting it with a treat doesn’t work, try squirting it with a water bottle. You’ll both feel better once your bliss goes for walkies.

Aquarius: Grabbing the bull by the horns isn’t always the best way to make your point. Reach around in the other direction and you’ll have its full attention. You might even receive flowers the next day.

Pisces: Don’t be scared when a few good days pop up in your week. Approach them carefully and offer them cookies. If they stick around for snacks and conversation, they will scare off the bad days.

Aries: You’ve had your panties in a twist so often, you’ve invented a new kind of thong. Step back and unwind on Wednesday before your eyes bug out. Also, use some bleach on those undies.

Taurus: Go ahead, dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Allergy Attack. You might need some Benadryl after trying some new moves.

Gemini: Are you a seafaring drama llama? You’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, quit rocking the boat.

Cancer: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Leo: Variety is the spice of life, but sarcasm is the salt required to swallow every dish. Shake away on Friday, your blood pressure will only go up if you hold it in.

Virgo: The universe loves a practical joke, so watch out for cosmic whoopee cushions. Laugh when the fake fart noises erupt, and the pranksters will be caught off guard when you let the real ones slip.

Libra: A bird in the hand means you’ll going to need some baby wipes. No matter what you see in that bush, leave it alone; there could be a vicious pecker hiding in there.

Scorpio: Your story has more holes than a Romulan Battle Bagel. Engage the truth at warp five, or you’ll feel a few photon torpedoes across your bow.

Sagittarius: You’ve had your failures, but you’re bouncing back better than Dolly Parton in a sports bra. Enjoy your success and keep those headlights bright so everyone can bask in your light.

Capricorn: Let out that inner flower child to run wild and free. Just remember, body paint as an outfit may be good for the psyche, but showing your true colors can wreak havoc on the school board meeting.

Aquarius: Anything in this world can be accomplished with luck, common sense and a good dose of sneakiness. Right now you only have two of these things, but you’re crafty enough to build your own luck from a box of paperclips and a banana.

Pisces: The Force is strong within you, but you’re having trouble deciding to be a creative Jedi or caving to the dark side because they have cookies. Ask your Death Star boss if they’re planning a buffet lunch in addition to the dessert cart. Regular meals are a powerful motivator.

 

Aries: Don’t worry about being a fish out of water; on Tuesday, you’ll evolve a little faster than the suckers around you. Keep those fins, though, just in case your new pad has a pool.

Taurus: Wednesday offers up a few moments of introspection, but it also comes with a side of fries and cheese dip, so you don’t pay much attention to it. Next time, tell it to show up with a salad.

Gemini: Hiding trouble comes easy for you. It’s so easy, a few people think you just skate through life. Share some burdens on Friday. They may laugh when you fall on the ice, but they’ll know your days aren’t filled with Olympic medals.

Cancer: Most people avoid ruts, but when you fall into one, you order window treatments and new furniture. Order a ladder while you’re binge shopping, so you can climb out once in a while.

Leo: You think your career path looks like a drunken pub crawl drawn up by Yeti, but it’s a straighter line than you can imagine. Trust the big hairy guy with the map, he knows all the best places.

Virgo:  You’ve had some failures in the past, but this new idea is better than goats in golf cleats stomping on bubble wrap. Step lively and enjoy the satisfying snap of success.

Libra: One door closes, but another one only opens if you’ve unlocked it. If you live in a rough neighborhood, ask opportunity to text before it comes over. Better yet, ask it to meet you at the coffee shop.

Scorpio: You’ve made your bed, but don’t lie in it until you’ve installed the adjacent margarita machine and large screen TV streaming Netflix. Since this is supposed to be punishment, leave the salt off the margarita glass.

Sagittarius: Life in the fast lane is fine, but you don’t get to read any interesting signs or stop at weird flea markets. Get off the career interstate and enjoy a detour through the strangeness of humanity. It will make a great blog post later.

Capricorn:  Your craziest wish will come true on Wednesday, so make an appointment with the therapist for Thursday to deal with the aftermath of unicorn baristas wielding giant foam swords. After that, call Nickelodeon, because you have a hit TV show on your hands.

Aquarius: Your luck isn’t a lady. It’s more like a crazed pack of geese, chasing you into new situations and attacking you when you least expect it. Enjoy the fruits of your frantic, winged labor.

Pisces: You’ve sailed through the rough seas, so feel free to paddle around the kiddie pool for a while. If anyone complains, grab a Super Soaker and tell them they’re all wet.

Aries: Feeling oppressed? You’re not into rainbows, so maybe you’re more 50 Shades of Grey. Next time you’re being held down by the man, ask for a spanking while he’s there. Your freak flag may fly in a whole new direction.

Taurus: Spread your wings on Monday, because you’re ready to fly. Remember, it’s the wings, not the thighs; that path leads you into a bucket of trouble instead of the wild blue sky.

Gemini: Something’s gone horribly, unbelievably right in your life, and now you’re twitchier than an espresso taster. Relax, put away those paranoid binoculars and slip on the rose-colored glasses.

Cancer: Something is not what it seems at your Sunday picnic, but that’s okay. You’re getting plenty of fiber but if you have a few berries with that twig, you may become a full-time vegetarian.

Leo: The next few days will be easy for you, because each of your problems has its moniker tattooed on its rear end, allowing you to kick butt and take names in one easy step.

Virgo: You’ve been contemplating a big decision. The answer is yes, you can pull off a belly ring at your age, as long as no one ever sees it. Do it for yourself, and let it be the weird quirk that freaks out your next drunken hookup.

Libra: No one expects you to be perfect, but they do want you to give it the old college try. If you can’t swing that, at least go for the kindergarten try so you’ll get a cookie after you fail.

Scorpio: Normal is just a setting on the dryer, and if you stay in there too long, your personality shrinks until it gives your brain a wedgie. Go ahead and flap in the breeze; your open mind is just the right fit.

Sagittarius: A dark cloud looms on your horizon. Set up an umbrella over your breakfast table and it won’t get the chance to pee in your Post Toasties, although it still may leave some puddles on your carpet.

Capricorn: Each day is a blessing and each trouble is a present. With any luck, you won’t be blessed with any more gifts on Friday. If you are, demand to see karma’s customer service manager.

Aquarius: You could tackle that thorny problem head on, but it’s easier if you sneak up on it and just goose it so it runs toward someone else. Let them deal with a snorting and mad dilemma with sharp hooves.

Pisces: Things may not be coming up roses, but they’re coming up dandelions, which is almost as good. Roses are pretty, but they make terrible wine.

Aries:  Every rose has its thorn, but you’re up against a porcupine. If you’re determined to see that rose tattoo, buy a new first aid kit and perhaps a tetanus booster while you’re at it.

Taurus: Crap hitting the fan isn’t so bad when it’s one of those dollar store personal fans powered by a weak AA battery. You’ll be wishing for one of those when your personal load of doo-doo smacks a high-powered warehouse ventilation fan. Good thing you invested in a fire hose for easy clean-up.

Gemini: Not everyone’s chickens come home to roost. Yours have packed up and moved to the city for a shot at fame and fortune on TV. If you’re lucky, they’ll send you some seed money now and again.

Cancer: If someone gives you a lottery ticket, hold on to it. It may not win, but it will provide you with a  good alibi after the strange ferret situation on Wednesday.

Leo: Your life is like an old-fashioned television set; sometimes the universe gives you a whack to straighten out the picture. Drop the static when you feel it, or you’ll get a few more karmic love taps.

Virgo: Others may hog the road, but no one knows the path as well as you. Take a thermos and some beef jerky along, because you’re about to get the fast track all to yourself.

Libra: You’re feeling as welcome as kale on a barbecue grill. You may not be steak but you can still sizzle, so work those weird leafy curves and make everyone regret passing you by.

Scorpio: If a tree falls in the forest and no one tweets it, did it really happen? Take a few selfies with your own log and you could be the busiest one on Tinder. Just hope it doesn’t go viral, because you’re out of antibiotics.

Sagittarius: You can’t change the past any more than you can build a log cabin with a spoon. You can, however, use that spoon to eat ice cream while you plan the future. Besides, everyone knows the best cabins are built with sporks.

Capricorn: Happiness is like dog poop: you’re walking through life, suddenly look down and there it is. At least inner tranquility is easier to get off your shoe and it smells better, too.

Aquarius: You may not be able to scale the mountain, but with a knife, some pliers and three other people, you can totally open a FedEx box. Celebrate your success by opening a jar of pickles and soak up all the applause.

Pisces: Forget the tortoise and the hare, they’re just obsessed with speed. Join up with the free-spirited quokka. You’ll still get there, but you’ll meet more people and have much more fun along the way.

Aries: Enjoy your shining star moment, because on Thursday you’ll fall from the sky like a meteor hurtling toward a parked car. Others will hear the car alarm when you crash, but all you hear through that bulletproof ego is a fanfare.

Taurus: Yes, the world is magic, but it’s more cheap card trick than receiving a letter for Hogwarts. Your best shot is to practice your handwork and find a hottie with far fewer brain cells than yourself.  So, yeah, it will be a challenge.

Gemini: Someone’s acting the dirty rat, but they don’t realize they’re the lab mouse in your maze. Go ahead, be heartless and plunk down some soy cheese.

Cancer:  On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light, you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Leo:  Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Virgo: You can dance if you want to, but don’t leave your friends behind. Because your friends can’t dance and if they can’t dance, they can at least buy the Jell-O shots while you’re on the floor showing off your Safety Dance moves.

Libra: Tuesday is a drop in the bucket, but Friday is a fire hose blowing the bucket away. Probably time to find some dry socks and a bigger bucket for your ambitions, like an empty pool.

Scorpio: People don’t have to know you to love you; in fact, it’s better if they don’t know you at all when you two meet in the broom closet on the fourth floor. Bonus: the moaning and banging makes your co-workers believe the building is haunted.

Sagittarius: Quit beating yourself up, because you’re a mean fighter. Sure, you need a break, but ending up in a body cast is the wrong kind of break. Take some quiet time before you end up trying to scratch an itch with a coat hanger.

Capricorn: You’re actually doing very well this week, although you’ll step in some gum and you might have a bad hair day on Saturday. Boo hoo. Get a hat.

Aquarius: Re-evaluate your life choices on Wednesday. Your “Aha!” moment shouldn’t involve someone in a trench coat, mud boots and a battery-operated twirling bra.

Pisces: It’s fine to avoid the drama llamas and keep company with an emotionally stable wombat, but a little excitement is good for you. Call up your nearest hairy divas for lunch and watch the fur fly.

Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but don’t stray too far from your roots. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama was closer to an Osmond, so you have all the zaniness of Lite Rock FM.

Taurus:  Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.

Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.

Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.

Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.

Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.

Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.

Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.

Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.

Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.

Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.

Aries: Stand up straight on Friday. If you bend over, Cupid’s arrow will go astray and your left butt cheek will fall madly in love with the little old lady on a park bench. At least she’ll meet your best side.

Taurus: You’re rational, logical and level-headed; where’s the fun in that? Check your brain at the door for one night and make some spectacularly bad decisions. You’ll earn free beers from the tattoo story alone.

Gemini: You’ve bent the rules so much, they’re stretched out like granny panties from 1973. Time to snap back to attention and toe the line with a snazzy little thong.

Cancer: Wednesday is your lucky day. Your socks match, your hair is remarkably free from gum or Cheerios and not only can you hear yourself think, you don’t have to yell to do it. Ask your folks to take the kids for a few more days, because this is bliss.

Leo: The future may not be written in stone, but it could be wrapped around a brick and bounced off your hard head this Tuesday. Read the note, but remember to duck before the next karmic hint dents that bulletproof hairdo.

Virgo: Life is a mystery, and so is that smell coming from your car vents. Time to find out whodunit before the aroma sets your nose hair on fire during your daily commute.

Libra: Breakups are never fun, but you’ve had worse pain walking across Legos in the middle of the night. This too will pass, but with far less cursing and hopping.

Scorpio: If your days pass like sand through an hourglass, your life is the worst snowglobe ever. The least you can do is dress up an armadillo in a tiny leprechaun outfit to make things more exciting.

Sagittarius: For you, Monday is Opposite Day: your boss is cheerful, your children are polite and the cable installer actually shows up on time. By Tuesday you’ll be a nervous wreck waiting for things to get back to normal.

Capricorn: Your true inner self won’t be revealed through a Facebook quiz, but all those Instagram photos of your lunch could hold the key to figuring out why your inner self needs existential Spanx.

Aquarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but why bother with flies at all? Next time your Prince Charming turns into a frog, tell him to track down his own dinner.

Pisces: For some, life is an easy ride to well-being and success. For you, it’s a car trip with one tire missing, the steering wheel on fire and the gas tank filled with moonshine and marshmallow cream. Bounce off enough roadblocks and stunned pedestrians, and you’ll accidentally end up where you meant to go.

##

Aries: One step forward and two steps back may look great on the dance floor, but it’s a lousy life plan. Take an opportunity on Wednesday to get ahead before you back yourself into the punch bowl.

Taurus: Sometimes when you reach for the stars, others see you as a crazy person swatting at invisible bugs in the backyard. Keep grasping for that dream, but do it out of sight for a while or the neighbors will be nervous.

Gemini: You’re like a kid in a candy store; too many choices, not enough time. Pick something top shelf and set your mind to it instead of gorging on everything you see and sleeping off a sugar coma under the counter. Success is sweet, but it shouldn’t give you diabetes.

Cancer: The only way you’re ready to leave the nest is if there’s a fold-out hang glider tucked in your pocket. Flap those wings a bit more before you make the big move, otherwise it’s a long way down.

Leo: Opportunity is yours for the taking, but there’s no need to sneak up on it and catch it unaware. Walk right up to it and grab it while everyone’s watching, the universe knows you deserve it.

Virgo: No one expects you to be perfect, but they’d love it if you were a little less neurotic. Tell them “Tough cookies!” and trot merrily down your weird, twitchy path.

Libra: Someone’s trying to get your attention. Go ahead and notice them before a co-worker calls the cops on their naked, painted butt out in the parking lot. They may not be a keeper, but they’ll liven up your weekend.

Scorpio: It’s fine to need your personal space, just don’t fill it up with Cheetos and beer. It’s hard to reflect on personal growth with all that crunching and slurping, and smashing the empty cans on your forehead isn’t doing your brain any favors.

Sagittarius: You can find the best in life or the worst, it depends on the glasses you’re wearing. Go for the rose-tinted ones this week and you’ll never notice the dirty house or that the dog is using your iPad as a chew toy.

Capricorn: You can take a Risk, but it would be easier to smuggle Trivial Pursuit under your coat. Either way, it sounds like family game night has gotten out of control.

Aquarius: Your needs are simple: you just want to rule the world, have everyone adore you and finally find the perfect pair of jeans. One out of three isn’t bad, and you’ll be the kindest Supreme Honcho in the supervillain neighborhood.

Pisces: You take to change like a fish takes to go-go boots. Still, some change is good, even if it’s scary. Hop in, because those boots look awesome on you.

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