Aries: An idea rings a bell with you on Monday. Listen to it before it digs up a tuba and blasts you out of your chair. Good thing you don’t have ideas often, or you’d be followed around by a marching band.

Taurus: Happiness is fleeting because you haven’t figured out how to set the right trap. Try digging a pit and covering it in birdseed. If it’s good enough for Wile E. Coyote, it’s good enough for you.

Gemini: Forget knowing all the answers to life’s questions. These days, you just need to know all your passwords. Better take your Gingko Biloba, or you’ll never remember the name of the parakeet you had in 5th grade and your email will be lost forever.

Cancer: Go ahead and do your happy dance, because Thursday brings the right beat. Everyone will be thrilled at your news, and even more tickled they don’t have to witness your sad Electric Slide anymore.

Leo: Knowing is believing, but believing is believing, too. Have faith in yourself and you’ll do mighty things. Most of them are weird and possibly immoral, but you’ll still accomplish something.

Virgo: Friday floats in like a pretty, pretty princess, but if you look under those layers of silk and crinoline, you’ll find some strong lumberjack plaid. You’ll also get your face slapped.

Libra: Everyone’s doing the warrior pose, and you’re still trying to figure out how to put on your yoga pants. Get some help, or your downward dog will inspire a lot of interesting Instagram shots.

Scorpio: Your spirits are high as a kite; keep your good mood in wide, open spaces or you’ll be tangled up in someone else’s tree. Charlie Brown’s got nothing on you, kid.

Sagittarius: Avoid hipsters with beards trimmed to look like octopuses. There’s no cosmic reason why, it’s just common sense, really. No one needs that much smugness in their day.

Capricorn: You want to stop and smell the roses, but you’re total crap at identifying plants. Just scratch and sniff a perfume sample before you tumble into a human-sized Venus Flytrap.

Aquarius: Great things are within your grasp. This is excellent news if you’re Elastic Man, not so wonderful if you’re a T-Rex. Buy one of those shelf grabber claws; your dreams—and the cookies—will finally be within reach.

Pisces: The only way you’ll walk in grace is if she trips and falls down in front of you. Wear your glasses so you can help her up instead of leaving footprints across her back. Maybe you two can lock arms and help each other across the street so neither one of you is flattened by a VW beetle.

Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.

Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.

Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.

Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.

Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.

Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”

Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.

Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.

Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.

Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.

Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.

Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.

Aries: You’re not paranoid if they’re really out to get you. Luckily, the only one throwing you shade this week is the dog, but you’ll be safe. Once he gets that cone of shame removed, however, watch your step.

Taurus: April rain brings May flowers, but July rain just means the ants are wearing life vests. Take your picnic indoors unless you want to be boarded by tiny pirates sailing the high seas of your lawn in a cereal box.

Gemini: A wise old man once said it’s better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The man obviously wasn’t on Twitter.  Keep some Purell nearby if you get your hands dirty smacking a few online trolls.

Cancer: You’ve got more goosebumps than an exotic dancer with a cold pole. Could be something exciting heading your way, and it’s more than just a new g-string.

Leo: Patience is a virtue, but it also makes a great helmet, a snazzy coat and a very fetching messenger bag. Make it your latest designer label, and you’ll get compliments every day.

Virgo: No one likes a sore loser, but a testy winner isn’t a lot of laughs, either. If you’re too cranky to play the game, retreat to your lair and read a good book. Your fellow players—and their shins—will thank you.

Libra: The time for action is now, but where do you point it? Put on some clothes before you put someone’s eye out, and you’ll find yourself a sweetie soon enough. All the hotties love a sharp dressed you.

Scorpio: No one said life is easy, but you would at least expect all the knobs to be marked better. Remember, righty-tighty, lefty loosey works in almost any situation.

Sagittarius: If money seems to be slipping through your fingers, there may be a connection between the cat, your smartphone and your credit card. After all, it’s not the goldfish buying new levels for MiceCapades Extreme in the app store. Time to change your password.

Capricorn: You have a near-miss with a juggler on a unicycle and you’re heckled by a passing mime on Wednesday. The circus may have you under surveillance, check your closet for lions with microphones and apologize for what you did with those clowns.

Aquarius: Tuesday will be a rather awesome day, and not even the universe knows why. Hey, it happens. Enjoy the randomness of being on everyone’s good side for a change.

Pisces: If things are looking up, you suspect it’s because a meteor is heading this way. Relax, that crater will happen at least four feet away from you.

Aries: You know this tune, it’s time to change the beat. Pull out your sunglasses and turntable, and show those tittering hipsters how it’s really done at the farmer’s market. Time for an heirloom tomato dance-off.

Taurus: Forget having a bee in your bonnet, someone’s stuffed a mad pterodactyl up in there. Lose the hat or let cooler heads prevail until you get that dinosaur off your noggin.

Gemini: You’re no drama llama, but you may be a comedy capybara on Thursday. At least you didn’t end up a soap opera honey badger, that one really has problems. Plus, he bites.

Cancer: Aim for the good life, but don’t be disappointed by a mediocre day. Every quiet day means no pointing a fire hose at someone, unless their hair’s on fire or you just really want to.

Leo: The streets aren’t paved with gold this week, but they’re littered with gift cards and BOGO coupons, which is close enough. Scoop up all the goodies you can, you’ve earned it.

Virgo: There’s no statute of limitations on apologies, but there is a statue of limitations, and she’s flipping you the stony bird. Make amends with everyone, and shoo away the pigeons while you’re at it.

Libra: Happiness isn’t always the butterfly perched gently on your nose. Sometimes it’s a friendly lizard who slithers into your life and eats all the pesky flies. Rethink your definitions and you’ll realize you’re in a better place than you thought.

Scorpio: Monday is like trying to give a cat a bath; there will be growling, scratching and cursing. Put down the sponge and leave it alone. It will clean itself up by evening.

Sagittarius: When your boss knows something you don’t, it’s normal. When you know something your boss doesn’t, it means a raise. Especially if you have pictures.

Capricorn: You let your feelings go commando, and now you’re dealing with emotional chafing. Slap some powder on that sadness and stand in a cool breeze for a while. Next time, remember the Underoos before you let your heart out for a run.

Aquarius: Each morning brings a fresh start. If you screw that up, you can change your name and try again in the afternoon. Thankfully, no one cares if you’re an idiot on the Internet, so you have at least 675 more chances to make things right.

Pisces: You’re in a good place right now, so quit worrying about how late the buses run or where you can find the best tamales. Just enjoy the view and everything will fall into place. If you’re lucky, it won’t do so on your head.

Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried.  Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.

Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell  you a roll of aluminum foil.

Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.

Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.

Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.

Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.

Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.

Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.

Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.

Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.

Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.

Aries:  Those who wander are not lost; they’re just looking for a clean bathroom. Take the road less traveled if your idea of adventure is using poison oak leaves for toilet paper.

Taurus: Listen to that inner voice on Tuesday. It knows what’s right, what’s wrong, and how many French fries you should allow yourself. Quick answer: eleven. Fifteen if they’re curly fries and you have some ranch dressing to go with them.

Gemini: Love is in the air, but you’re sporting a giant can of Raid. Relax; not every winged thing is Cupid aiming for your butt. Sometimes it’s just a blood-sucking mosquito, which is far easier to deal with.

Cancer: In every life, a little rain must fall but you’re dodging blue ice from airplane toilets. Forget the umbrella and rain boots, find some sturdy shelter until the crapstorm passes.

Leo: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the ups and downs, too? Re-orient your compass and you’ll see what looks like a fail this week is actually a win.

Virgo: If you save the best for last, you won’t have any room left to gobble it down. Have dessert first, because chocolate always trumps green beans. Just don’t have them together. Ew.

Libra: You think you’re a jungle cat stalking its prey, but others see you as a sleepy kitten tripping over a ball of string. You can stretch those claws out, but you’re still too cute.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you miss your shot at the golden ring. The banquet table is littered with silver cutlery and a couple of pricey centerpieces. You may not win first place, but you won’t go home empty-handed if you have a big enough purse.

Sagittarius: Finding your center will take more than a few moments of meditation: it’s going to require a builder’s level and some blueprints. Luckily, your foundation is solid thanks to years of burgers and cheese curls.

Capricorn: You won’t find a lost item in the last place you look, mainly because you’ll forget you found it and keep looking for another hour or so. Perhaps you should get a few extra pairs of glasses or feel your forehead more often.

Aquarius: Your lucky break happens on Thursday afternoon. Avoid sitting on creaky chairs and swaying tree limbs, or that karmic snap could result in a fall from grace worthy of YouTube.

Pisces: Whenever you feel that you’re swimming in molasses, build a raft of cornbread. You’ll still move slowly, but the trip will be delicious.

Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.

Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.

Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.

Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.

Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.

Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.

Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.

Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.

Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.

Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.

Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.

Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.

Aries: If you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. After the fourth try, however, you should kick back, have a beer and figure out why success eludes you like a greased pig before you wrestle with it once more.

Taurus:  Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Gemini: There’s a better day coming to you, could be Tuesday or Wednesday. Set out the nice plates and glasses and get the best wine they offer at the local gas station. You want to make a good impression.

Cancer:  Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a bit of booty left.

Leo: You’re feeling out of touch, like an 8-track tape in a streaming podcast world. Relax, retro is in fashion and someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.

Virgo: You make a colossal screw-up at work, but the boss laughs instead of firing you. Buy your boss and the ferret a drink once everyone gets out of the supply closet alive, and swear off bubble wrap.

Libra: Life can try to box you in, but your rat is too freewheeling for a maze. Break out the tiny skateboard and let your inner furball fly.

Scorpio: Forget what they say; go ahead and let the turkeys get you down. They give a pretty good massage as long as you’re wearing a really thick shirt. Don’t ask for a happy ending, or you’ll really be hen-pecked.

Sagittarius: You’re hit in the head with a baseball on Friday and develop temporary psychic powers. You can’t predict lottery numbers but you have a nice side business finding people’s car keys for them.

Capricorn: Grab the shades and the sunscreen, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Just don’t wear that thong bathing suit, because no one wants to be blinded by your butt cheeks.

Aquarius: Feeling lost in the universe? No one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos of people falling off tables on YouTube. Watch those for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Pisces: What you want is just within reach, but you can’t stretch any farther or you’ll fall. Don’t despair, just buy one of those grabber claws and snatch victory from the snarky jaws of defeat.

Aries:  You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally trash talk the movie based on it. Before you loosen those lips, though, rip out a few pages and make sure you have the story straight.

Taurus: Passion burns, but so does a pot left on the stove. Don’t grab anything without using protection, otherwise you’ll have some explaining to do in front of a chuckling ER nurse.

Gemini: Right now, opportunities are like flowers and you have your pick. Sniff a few and check for bees hiding on the stems, otherwise you may get stung.

Cancer: Spread some joy across your day on Wednesday. Sure, others may see it as manure, but it will still make things grow because you only spew high quality crap.

Leo: Quick, the universe isn’t looking: do what you want. It’s fine to ask forgiveness rather than permission, but it’s even better if that gamble pays off and you don’t have to ask for anything at all.

Virgo: The shortest distance between two points isn’t a line, it’s a piece of juicy gossip.  That stuff flies at the speed of light, so step out of the way before it whacks you on the head. It’s better to be conscious when you do damage control.

Libra: Beauty may be skin-deep, but not yours. You have a particularly voluptuous soul, too, so expect a few enlightened beings to follow you home when they see how your aura swings when you walk.

Scorpio: You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, so do the job right. Get the moles to sign off on the blueprints and make sure you have all the construction permits. Your clients will thank you when they see your mole condo masterpiece.

Sagittarius: Thursday looks like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but when you get closer you realize it’s just a really shaggy sheep. Give that baa-by a makeover and reveal a whole new ewe.

Capricorn: You can soar to great heights, but first you have to drop that baggage. There’s no overhead compartment on the Success Express, but don’t worry; you get a complimentary toothbrush when you hit Easy Street.

Aquarius: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re still bending over. Watch your back and prepare to mule kick someone sneaking up on you. Good thing you’re wearing those butt-kicking boots.

Pisces: Sometimes a great idea is like a ghost; you only see it out of the corner of your eye. Pull up your inner Venkman and do some ghostbusting this week, so you can confront  and conquer that spectral inspiration before it gets away again.


Aries: The world is about to beat a path to your door. If you don’t want that much company, you can always move to another town, or just go mad scientist and develop a tasering doormat. That will bring even more people to you, but they’ll have to be sneakier about it.

Taurus: It takes dozens of muscles to smile, but only a few to slap you so hard, you’ll land where even Google can’t find you. Find your own common sense before your loved ones line up for a good smack.

Gemini:  You can strive for excellence or waddle over to mediocrity. While ambition may land you in those skinny jeans, there is something to be said for the comfy, stained sweatpants of average.

Cancer: Know your own mind and you won’t be swayed by the strong winds of others’ wild ideas, mainly because you’re following your own demented tumbleweeds across the desert. It’s so much better to invent your own crazy than to follow someone else’s brand.

Leo: Did you just hear a pop? That’s your own butt muscles unclenching this week. Let them relax and flap in the breeze for a while, because emergency mode is done for now. Go ahead and pull that stick out of your tush while you’re at it.

Virgo: You may not have the right stuff, but you have a nicely weird assortment sure to gather a crowd at any flea market. Show off your awkward treasures, because handmade angst is so hot right now.

Libra: Tuesday isn’t your beast of burden, it’s more like a Chihuahua in your Coach bag. Don’t depend on it to do the heavy lifting, just expect it to pop out and bark at hairy dudes in Starbucks.

Scorpio: You have a great plan, you just need a new angle. Don’t worry about finding the right angle, just take the first one that’s acute.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about that last failure. Every dog has its day, although every lizard gets about two weeks. Maybe you should spend some time laying in the sun and sticking out your tongue, so you have all the bases covered.

Capricorn: Good news is coming your way, so remember to leave the key under the fake rock so it can get in and have some breakfast. If you don’t, it could end up on your neighbor’s couch, enjoying her muffins and you’ll never see it again.

Aquarius: Things are going your way, they’re just not going at the speed you want. Quit trying to find the Turbo button on that turtle and enjoy the achingly slow yet scenic ride.

Pisces: You’ve sent a lot of energy out into the universe, and Karma has hot-glued it together into one bizarre sculpture. Appreciate your own cosmic art, and others will, too.

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