Aries: Forget those who say there’s no time like the present. Next Tuesday works great, too, especially around 2 p.m. Don’t forget your inflatable platypus and rash ointment.

Taurus: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, unless you post them on your Instagram. It’s the perfect thing if you want the world to learn your parrot left you and there’s a weird fungus growing on your leg.

Gemini: You’ve got your dancing shoes on, but they don’t mix well with your cookie batter-eating sweatpants. Get your wardrobe on the same page before there’s a fight.

Cancer: All the world’s a stage, but instead of being the star you’re lurking under the floorboards. Quit trying to be the Phantom of the Opera; you’re coming off like a Scooby-Doo lighthouse keeper. Get in the spotlight where you belong.

Leo: You realize you’ve never been a special little snowflake; you’re bigger than that. You’re the sun! Shine on during Wednesday and you’ll melt all those snowflakes in their tracks.

Virgo: Everyone has a book in them, but sometimes it’s because they ate too much paste and paper in Kindergarten. Look inside and see if your book has any actual words in it, or if it’s just a pop-up book about Kanye West.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, some have it thrust upon them, but you slip in it while you’re walking the dog. Enjoy the fame but bring a plastic bag because you can’t get that out of your shoe.

Scorpio: Your boss is pissed, so review your week. Is it because you left a dead bug in his World’s Best Manager mug, or used his computer to download “Hot Lunchroom Ladies 4?” Eh, the man’s a mystery. Leave early on Friday to give him some personal space.

Sagittarius: This week, you don’t have to be the best, but you should do better than a participation ribbon, too. Any effort at all will thrill your family and that third place trophy will look great in the bathroom.

Capricorn:  You try to be a shining star on Monday, but you end up more like a sputtering glow stick. You’re not the brightest, but watching your antics is illuminating. Good thing your co-workers have your therapist on speed dial.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you stop to smell the roses and there’s a bee waiting inside the petals. After the screaming and flailing, the Benadryl nap is nice.

Pisces: You keep treading water, but that long, slow hiss of your deflating arm floaties is starting to wear down your nerves. Don’t worry, the shore is in sight and there’s a cocktail and a massage therapist waiting for you.

Aries: Be careful what you wish for, especially when you’re locked in the bathroom and out of toilet paper. Make time to read those 57 free subscriptions to the National Enquirer and US Weekly.

Taurus: There’s a spring in your step on Wednesday, and everywhere you go, you do a little dance. That’s what you get when you dry all your thongs on the high setting for ninety minutes.

Gemini: A great relief comes on Monday when you learn that no one actually expects anything from you. Just aim to wear pants on most days and pay the rent, and you’re good.

Cancer: You have a 2 p.m. appointment with a man in a trench coat. If you’re lucky, it’s Daniel Craig with nothing underneath. If you’re not so lucky, it’s your grandpa with nothing underneath. Better call the retirement home and make sure he’s on his medication, just in case.

Leo: Work has been difficult lately, but that’s no reason to jump atop the water cooler, swing your keyboard and demand the boss walk the plank. First you need to make sure the crew is ready to mutiny, then grab your keyboard.

Virgo: Three-hour meetings in the conference room become a lot easier when you discover the secret word. That word is vodka. Oddly enough, drunk you has better ideas than sober you, so there could be a new project in your future.

Libra: Everyone has a secret passion, but no one expected yours to be creating life-size sculptures of Liam Neeson out of cheese. Obviously you have a particular set of skills.

Scorpio: The best defense is a good offense, so insult your supervisor’s lack of fashion sense before you go in for your annual review. It will make the meeting move a lot faster.

Sagittarius: Your day is filled with sunshine. You should probably get those holes in the roof fixed before you end up with a couch potato tan line.

Capricorn: Every day is a gift, although Monday is an ugly two sizes too small from your great-aunt Gertrude. Accept it with a smile so you can get to the good stuff this weekend.

Aquarius: You’re working that mojo like a steampunk bagpipe, and some hottie is really digging your unique sound. Be careful, don’t strip your gears or toot at the wrong time.

Pisces: On the outside you’re calm, but on the inside you’re screaming like a banshee with a stubbed toe. Take some time and do a little first aid on your inner ouchie before you develop a twitch. Use a Hello Kitty bandage, that always makes things better.

Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder.  Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.

Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.

Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.

Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.

Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt  unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.

Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.

Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.

Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.

Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.

Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.

Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.

Aries: A watched pot never boils, unlike your toe fungus. Quit staring at your feet and tackle a situation head-on. You’ll be so high on success you won’t worry about people’s comments when you wear those strappy sandals.

Taurus: Take heart, people don’t need to know your name to make you famous. After Thursday, you’ll be forever known as That Dude Who Dropped His Cola and Mentos in the Toilet and Had to Move.

Gemini: Everything’s coming up you, which sounds great but is a little disturbing when all the flowers in the yard have your face in them. Feel free to prune your hedges, but take your meds first.

Cancer: Your office feels like a jungle today. Instead of being jumped by a cougar at the watering hole, tie a few snakes together and swing past the nearest Starbucks. You might be called into Human Resources for inappropriate snake-tying, but the latte will be worth it.

Leo: There’s a new challenge lurking behind Friday. You can either tackle it and kick its butt or run naked and screaming through Saturday night. Either one will provide valuable stress relief.

Virgo: You find your mojo behind a half-eaten Twinkie in the couch. Dust it off and wear it proudly this weekend to attract new hotties. The mojo, not the Twinkie. That would only attract ants.

Libra: Monday looks impossible, but never fear, because you have a plan! Now you only need to find 64 D-cell batteries, a clock shaped like Barry Manilow and a very laidback zebra.

Scorpio: If you can find the bright spot in any scenario, there’s likely someone behind you with a laser pointer. Feel free to call them on their crap, right after you catch that dot.

Sagittarius: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, except the guy who ordered it with two-day shipping on Amazon. Luckily for you, the comfy chair is delivered first.

Capricorn: It’s fine to dance to the beat of your own drum, as long as the drummer isn’t a three-armed gorilla tapping out Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” in Morse code. That will take some explaining while you’re waiting in line at the DMV.

Aquarius: Inside of every plus-size beauty is a bunch of organs and blood vessels and some very lovely feelings. Whoever told you there was a smaller person in there really needs to read an anatomy book. Unless, of course, they are pregnant. In that case, carry on, it will come out on its own.

Pisces: Life is not like the TV remote: you can’t be in control of it all the time. Just let go, fall into the Universe’s arms and hope that Karma isn’t checking her Twitter messages on her phone instead of catching you.

Aries: Watch out for tall men with pomegranates taped to their foreheads. They have enough problems without you adding to their therapy bill. Save your drama for someone less attached to their produce.

Taurus: If a Bigfoot screams and falls down in the forest, did it really happen? Carry a few Band-Aids in your pocket on Tuesday and find out.

Gemini: Share love and everyone feels better, but sharing misery makes you feel better. On Wednesday, it’s okay to look after yourself. Besides, those too-sunny personalities in your life need a day or two of clouds so they can grab some more sunscreen.

Cancer: Look at your in-laws through rose-colored glasses. A glass or two of Merlot usually does the trick, unless you have a particularly sassy Cabernet. Those visits will be far less painful this week.

Leo: When one door closes, another one opens. Thanks to your lockpicking skills, though, a door is never truly closed. Sneaking in will give you better opportunities, mainly through fresh blackmail material.

Virgo: People say you can be right or you can be happy, but they forget about the third option: cluelessness. Skip through your Monday with wild, air-brained abandon, and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows better.

Libra: When you’re pushed to your limits, add a patch of Spandex so you can stretch a bit farther. You won’t be stylish, but you’ll get the job done. Reward yourself with a snazzy new pair of sweatpants.

Scorpio: Someone gives you a difficult math problem on Friday. Tell them the solution, and just pat them on the head when they say you’re wrong. Silly people. The answer to any problem is always pie.

Sagittarius: A thought races through your head in the morning. Don’t panic, it’s just looking for a new home. Grab some feed and a sign saying “Free Bird Seed.” You’ll catch those roadrunning thoughts in no time.

Capricorn: Count your blessings, because one may have rolled under the couch. That’s okay, just run it under some cool water to get all the fuzz and melted gummy bears off it.

Aquarius: You’re running at full steam so ignore those who say you’ve gone off half-cocked.  Give them no quarter once you’re arrived at your destination.

Pisces: Life is a dance, but you’re hopeless at the waltz. Go ahead and break out that funky chicken; who wants to be graceful and forgotten when you can be hysterical and a legend in your own time?

Aries: Every rose has not only a thorn, but also a few bees and a crazy price tag. Skip the bouquets and take your sweetie for a roll in the dandelions instead. It’s cheaper and it will confuse the squirrels.

Taurus: You never know what you can do until you try. After that, you’ll realize your peak skills involve sitting on the couch and outwitting a bag of spicy Doritos.

Gemini: You don’t always hear trumpets when the universe sends you a message. Sometimes it’s written in crayon on an old lunch bag and tossed at your head. Duck first, then read.

Cancer: That creative wellspring has thinned from a gusher into a dribble. Find a new spot where creativity flows and give up drilling. If you go too deep, you’ll run into some ticked-off mole men.

Leo: Quit carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s terrible for your posture. If you can’t let go, invest in some wheeled luggage and head down the stairs. Those hangers-on might jump off if the ride gets too bumpy.

Virgo: Every day is a fresh start, except for Thursday. That one still has Wednesday’s orange peels and coffee stains all over it. Scrub it down before you flop your latest ideas on it.

Libra: It’s better to look like something the cat dragged in instead of something it ate then threw up in your shoes at 2 a.m. The best scenario is to stay away from the cat unless you have an extra catnip mouse on you.

Scorpio: Your Monday is a lot like a Celine Dion song: heartfelt, soaring and is the result of slamming your boat against some ice. Enjoy the music, but also keep an eye out on that iceberg ahead.

Sagittarius: You know the score, now if you could only find the game. Forget baseball and soccer: your score is likely tied to a Quidditch Beer Pong game in Newark, New Jersey. Dress appropriately.

Capricorn: Not every Thunderdome needs a warrior; some of them just need rainbows. Show off your true colors and you’ll win people over. If that doesn’t work, reveal the leprechaun in your pants.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the neon-dyed cereal, other days you’re the prize. Basically, you’re winning this week no matter where you fall out of the box. Feel free to spill some of your awesomeness on everyone else.

Pisces: Don’t worry about getting your groove back; you never lost it in the first place. It’s just a few levels up from that rut you’ve been trudging. Look around and you’ll spy the stairs.

Aries: Your sign isn’t “Curves Ahead.” It’s more “Watch Out for Landslides.” That’s fine, just slap down a few orange cones around your knees and enjoy a fresh plate of cookies. Once you quit trying to defy gravity, it really takes the pressure off.

Taurus: You don’t have to be outstanding, but there’s no need to lie down in traffic, either. If you can’t find a happy medium, scout out a grassy median instead.

Gemini: Life is filled with dots; you can connect them and get the bigger picture or panic because you think you have measles. Once the universe starts throwing pencils your way, you’ll finally get a clue.

Cancer: At last, you have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Revel in it for a while, but after 30 minutes you should ask yourself what the kids, spouse and dog are up to. Better take paper towels and bail money when you check it out, just in case.

Leo: “To thine own self be true” works for most days, but Thursday needs a few white lies to make it more fun. Listen to the one saying “That cupcake has no calories” and ignore the one saying “Hey, I bet we could rock a pair of plaid golf pants.”

Virgo: Some people have an inner core of steel; yours is Silly Putty. Ignore the people who say you’re too flexible. They can’t copy a comic strip on their butt cheek just by sitting on it.

Libra: Occasionally you’ll have an idea that’s born to soar, but the one you come up with on Friday will just gurgle and lurch around the nest. If you go all mad scientist and stick bolts in its neck, at least warn the villagers.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about the world being your oyster; the universe knows you have a seafood allergy. However, it may not know about your nut allergy, too, so if the world becomes a peanut butter sandwich, keep an epi pen handy.

Sagittarius: Monday brings you something special, so wear your delighted and surprised face all day. Hopefully it will show up before noon, otherwise your co-workers may think you had too much Botox.

Capricorn: That fierce attitude will take you a long way at work. Use it for small power trips only; larger ones could take you all the way to the unemployment office.

Aquarius: It’s fine to give something a lick and a promise but if you do it to someone, they could get the wrong idea. Don’t be surprised if you receive a saucy text and a few eye-opening photos as well.

Pisces: Most people climb the ladder of success, but you head up through a series of pratfalls and klutz dives. When you get to the top, thank that banana peel.

Aries: You’re wondering about an outcome on your work situation. Only time will tell, but you can keep that tattletale quiet with a steady stream of chocolates. The only way to keep Time’s big mouth shut is to give it a bigger butt.

Taurus: Knowing what you want is fine, but now you have to figure out how to get it. Try diplomacy instead of a giant butterfly net, because those nets are easy to chew through.

Gemini: Your hands are full; only you know whether that’s a good thing or not. Are they occupied with stressful, mind-harrowing work or Daniel Craig’s butt? You’ll know when to let go.

Cancer: You’re ready for a life-changing event, but do you have your makeup on? These days, the journey of a thousand steps usually begins with a selfie. Try not to fall over while making your duck face.

Leo: Like a phone flashlight app, you shine brightly in dark situations. That’s great if you’re trying to walk up the driveway, not so much if someone’s attempting to sleep. Tone down your glow for a few hours and recharge your battery.

Virgo: It’s best to know your own heart before you jump into a new situation. Otherwise, you’ll have to rely on your spleen for introductions during a tense moment, which would be awkward for everyone.

Libra: Some say love is a many-splendored thing, but wiser minds know it’s also a many-splintered thing as well. It’s fine to dance through the daisies when you’re in love, just don’t go barefoot.

Scorpio: Every day is a wild new adventure, but at this point, you’d love a quiet, boring week inside an air-conditioned cubicle with a mini-coffee pot and good Internet. Hang in there, because dull wishes do come true.

Sagittarius: Thursday isn’t quite like walking on Legos in the dark, it’s more like falling in them face-first. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine as long as you keep your mouth shut and break your fall with the bean bag chair that someone forgot to put away for the fourth day in a row.

Capricorn: Can’t find your bliss? It’s probably under that pile of dirty laundry in your bedroom. If you haven’t found it by the time you’ve washed, dried, folded and put it all away, you’ve at least earned the wifi password for the day.

Aquarius: Saturday is a shell game. You’ll get three chances, but only one of them is a real opportunity to make money. Study the universe’s hands before you decide, or just kick the universe in the knee and grab what’s yours.

Pisces: Even fishies can get waterlogged by rough seas, but take heart: you’re swimming into calm waters now. Hop on board someone’s party barge for a break, because you’ve earned it.

Aries: You can draw more flies with honey but who needs more flies? Try cooking up something that draws more geese, especially if they lay golden eggs.

Taurus: Go outside and quit watching the clock. You’ll feel better, and so will your timepiece. It’s starting to get paranoid. If you’re really wondering what your clock is up to, buy a security camera.

Gemini: That ghost haunting your brain isn’t one big worry; it’s just lots of little ones standing on each other’s shoulders under a sheet. Whip the linen off them and set them straight.

Cancer: You’re relaxed, cool and oh-so-comfortable. Obviously you haven’t seen any of your family today. Worry about the kids and the in-laws later; right now you have a playdate with a margarita.

Leo: Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. You can’t see the finish line because of all the goals you’ve set for yourself. Kick a few to the curb so you can run across the tape and feel accomplished.

Virgo:  If there’s a song in your heart, it’s because your iPod slipped in your running bra again. Fish it out and give it some fresh air, but keep the girls in place unless you want some instant Facebook fame.

Libra: Someone wants you to know your place, but they’ve forgotten theirs. Duct tape them to the side of a Google Street View car and they’ll remember soon enough.

Scorpio: You feel like a rat in a maze, except you didn’t get any cheese or the chance to cause a bad restaurant review on Yelp! Shake off that bad mood, because tomorrow there’s plenty of cheddar and screaming women on tables.

Sagittarius: Sometimes it’s not about the destination or the journey; it’s just wondering where your luggage ended up. Be patient, because your toothbrush and Smurf underwear are partying it up in Paris.

Capricorn: Every day is a new beginning, which is handy because what you did last night ended up on YouTube. Don’t worry about that, though; just find out who emailed the link to your boss.

Aquarius: You are a summer flower, sparkling in the morning dew but kinda saggy and drooping in the 3 p.m. heat. Find some air conditioning and take root or you’ll sweat your petals off.

Pisces: Rolling with the flow would be easier if your life wasn’t full of sharp edges and corners. Invest in a bubble wrap suit and the trip will be much better, plus you have some built-in stress relievers.

Aries: An idea rings a bell with you on Monday. Listen to it before it digs up a tuba and blasts you out of your chair. Good thing you don’t have ideas often, or you’d be followed around by a marching band.

Taurus: Happiness is fleeting because you haven’t figured out how to set the right trap. Try digging a pit and covering it in birdseed. If it’s good enough for Wile E. Coyote, it’s good enough for you.

Gemini: Forget knowing all the answers to life’s questions. These days, you just need to know all your passwords. Better take your Gingko Biloba, or you’ll never remember the name of the parakeet you had in 5th grade and your email will be lost forever.

Cancer: Go ahead and do your happy dance, because Thursday brings the right beat. Everyone will be thrilled at your news, and even more tickled they don’t have to witness your sad Electric Slide anymore.

Leo: Knowing is believing, but believing is believing, too. Have faith in yourself and you’ll do mighty things. Most of them are weird and possibly immoral, but you’ll still accomplish something.

Virgo: Friday floats in like a pretty, pretty princess, but if you look under those layers of silk and crinoline, you’ll find some strong lumberjack plaid. You’ll also get your face slapped.

Libra: Everyone’s doing the warrior pose, and you’re still trying to figure out how to put on your yoga pants. Get some help, or your downward dog will inspire a lot of interesting Instagram shots.

Scorpio: Your spirits are high as a kite; keep your good mood in wide, open spaces or you’ll be tangled up in someone else’s tree. Charlie Brown’s got nothing on you, kid.

Sagittarius: Avoid hipsters with beards trimmed to look like octopuses. There’s no cosmic reason why, it’s just common sense, really. No one needs that much smugness in their day.

Capricorn: You want to stop and smell the roses, but you’re total crap at identifying plants. Just scratch and sniff a perfume sample before you tumble into a human-sized Venus Flytrap.

Aquarius: Great things are within your grasp. This is excellent news if you’re Elastic Man, not so wonderful if you’re a T-Rex. Buy one of those shelf grabber claws; your dreams—and the cookies—will finally be within reach.

Pisces: The only way you’ll walk in grace is if she trips and falls down in front of you. Wear your glasses so you can help her up instead of leaving footprints across her back. Maybe you two can lock arms and help each other across the street so neither one of you is flattened by a VW beetle.

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