Aries: No one likes a spoilsport, although they do like sporty spoilers. If you have a time machine and know who will win the next Super Bowl, you could make a lot of friends.
Taurus: If you keep spinning your wheels, you’ll wear out your bearings. Get someone to pull you out of that rut before you sink any lower into the mire.
Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve won the door prize to the Universe’s Tupperware party! It’s a sandwich crisper that also locks your troubles away so you can deal with them another day. Also works on carrots.
Cancer: Have a song in your heart and you’ll really mess up your next EKG at the cardiologist’s. Bet they’ve never seen Death Metal Bagpipe music in graph form before.
Leo: The world showers you with blessings this week, so quit complaining that you need a towel. Grab some fruity body wash and enjoy the downpour while it lasts. Remember to sprinkle some good fortune behind those ears, too.
Virgo: Someone knows your biggest secret. You could try to set them up with a goat wrangler in black latex and boots, or just wave it off and go on with your life. Your secrets are boring, anyway.
Libra: You will jump for joy on Tuesday. The rest of the days you’ll jump because that giant spider in the bathroom finally hatched her babies. Yay for cardio workouts!
Scorpio: Dreams can soar like an eagle, but watch them; they can also get away from you, like a mylar balloon heading for the power line. If you can’t catch it, at least you’ll have some sparks in your life. And a massive power outage.
Sagittarius: All your opinions are vindicated when someone finally clicks “Like” on that bizarre Facebook meme you posted. Your work here is done, so sign out and see what’s changed outdoors since 2008.
Capricorn: Wednesday may be tough, so stock up on pizza, whiskey and chocolate. Whatever happens, you won’t care by 11 a.m. By 2 p.m., you’ll be sharing inappropriate photos with your old English teacher.
Aquarius: Know what you want in life and go after it, whether you’re zooming like a My Little Pony Ferrari or put-putting down the trail on a moped. It will wait for you, mainly to laugh and point.
Pisces: You’ve never been keen on the ‘fame’ part, but the ‘fortune’ sounds nice. Thanks to your latest project, you’ll slice off a bit of both, plus some cheese, with that sharp wit. Stock up on crackers and wine.