Aries: Watch out for tall men with pomegranates taped to their foreheads. They have enough problems without you adding to their therapy bill. Save your drama for someone less attached to their produce.

Taurus: If a Bigfoot screams and falls down in the forest, did it really happen? Carry a few Band-Aids in your pocket on Tuesday and find out.

Gemini: Share love and everyone feels better, but sharing misery makes you feel better. On Wednesday, it’s okay to look after yourself. Besides, those too-sunny personalities in your life need a day or two of clouds so they can grab some more sunscreen.

Cancer: Look at your in-laws through rose-colored glasses. A glass or two of Merlot usually does the trick, unless you have a particularly sassy Cabernet. Those visits will be far less painful this week.

Leo: When one door closes, another one opens. Thanks to your lockpicking skills, though, a door is never truly closed. Sneaking in will give you better opportunities, mainly through fresh blackmail material.

Virgo: People say you can be right or you can be happy, but they forget about the third option: cluelessness. Skip through your Monday with wild, air-brained abandon, and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows better.

Libra: When you’re pushed to your limits, add a patch of Spandex so you can stretch a bit farther. You won’t be stylish, but you’ll get the job done. Reward yourself with a snazzy new pair of sweatpants.

Scorpio: Someone gives you a difficult math problem on Friday. Tell them the solution, and just pat them on the head when they say you’re wrong. Silly people. The answer to any problem is always pie.

Sagittarius: A thought races through your head in the morning. Don’t panic, it’s just looking for a new home. Grab some feed and a sign saying “Free Bird Seed.” You’ll catch those roadrunning thoughts in no time.

Capricorn: Count your blessings, because one may have rolled under the couch. That’s okay, just run it under some cool water to get all the fuzz and melted gummy bears off it.

Aquarius: You’re running at full steam so ignore those who say you’ve gone off half-cocked.  Give them no quarter once you’re arrived at your destination.

Pisces: Life is a dance, but you’re hopeless at the waltz. Go ahead and break out that funky chicken; who wants to be graceful and forgotten when you can be hysterical and a legend in your own time?

Aries: Every rose has not only a thorn, but also a few bees and a crazy price tag. Skip the bouquets and take your sweetie for a roll in the dandelions instead. It’s cheaper and it will confuse the squirrels.

Taurus: You never know what you can do until you try. After that, you’ll realize your peak skills involve sitting on the couch and outwitting a bag of spicy Doritos.

Gemini: You don’t always hear trumpets when the universe sends you a message. Sometimes it’s written in crayon on an old lunch bag and tossed at your head. Duck first, then read.

Cancer: That creative wellspring has thinned from a gusher into a dribble. Find a new spot where creativity flows and give up drilling. If you go too deep, you’ll run into some ticked-off mole men.

Leo: Quit carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s terrible for your posture. If you can’t let go, invest in some wheeled luggage and head down the stairs. Those hangers-on might jump off if the ride gets too bumpy.

Virgo: Every day is a fresh start, except for Thursday. That one still has Wednesday’s orange peels and coffee stains all over it. Scrub it down before you flop your latest ideas on it.

Libra: It’s better to look like something the cat dragged in instead of something it ate then threw up in your shoes at 2 a.m. The best scenario is to stay away from the cat unless you have an extra catnip mouse on you.

Scorpio: Your Monday is a lot like a Celine Dion song: heartfelt, soaring and is the result of slamming your boat against some ice. Enjoy the music, but also keep an eye out on that iceberg ahead.

Sagittarius: You know the score, now if you could only find the game. Forget baseball and soccer: your score is likely tied to a Quidditch Beer Pong game in Newark, New Jersey. Dress appropriately.

Capricorn: Not every Thunderdome needs a warrior; some of them just need rainbows. Show off your true colors and you’ll win people over. If that doesn’t work, reveal the leprechaun in your pants.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the neon-dyed cereal, other days you’re the prize. Basically, you’re winning this week no matter where you fall out of the box. Feel free to spill some of your awesomeness on everyone else.

Pisces: Don’t worry about getting your groove back; you never lost it in the first place. It’s just a few levels up from that rut you’ve been trudging. Look around and you’ll spy the stairs.

Aries: Your sign isn’t “Curves Ahead.” It’s more “Watch Out for Landslides.” That’s fine, just slap down a few orange cones around your knees and enjoy a fresh plate of cookies. Once you quit trying to defy gravity, it really takes the pressure off.

Taurus: You don’t have to be outstanding, but there’s no need to lie down in traffic, either. If you can’t find a happy medium, scout out a grassy median instead.

Gemini: Life is filled with dots; you can connect them and get the bigger picture or panic because you think you have measles. Once the universe starts throwing pencils your way, you’ll finally get a clue.

Cancer: At last, you have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Revel in it for a while, but after 30 minutes you should ask yourself what the kids, spouse and dog are up to. Better take paper towels and bail money when you check it out, just in case.

Leo: “To thine own self be true” works for most days, but Thursday needs a few white lies to make it more fun. Listen to the one saying “That cupcake has no calories” and ignore the one saying “Hey, I bet we could rock a pair of plaid golf pants.”

Virgo: Some people have an inner core of steel; yours is Silly Putty. Ignore the people who say you’re too flexible. They can’t copy a comic strip on their butt cheek just by sitting on it.

Libra: Occasionally you’ll have an idea that’s born to soar, but the one you come up with on Friday will just gurgle and lurch around the nest. If you go all mad scientist and stick bolts in its neck, at least warn the villagers.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about the world being your oyster; the universe knows you have a seafood allergy. However, it may not know about your nut allergy, too, so if the world becomes a peanut butter sandwich, keep an epi pen handy.

Sagittarius: Monday brings you something special, so wear your delighted and surprised face all day. Hopefully it will show up before noon, otherwise your co-workers may think you had too much Botox.

Capricorn: That fierce attitude will take you a long way at work. Use it for small power trips only; larger ones could take you all the way to the unemployment office.

Aquarius: It’s fine to give something a lick and a promise but if you do it to someone, they could get the wrong idea. Don’t be surprised if you receive a saucy text and a few eye-opening photos as well.

Pisces: Most people climb the ladder of success, but you head up through a series of pratfalls and klutz dives. When you get to the top, thank that banana peel.

Aries: You’re wondering about an outcome on your work situation. Only time will tell, but you can keep that tattletale quiet with a steady stream of chocolates. The only way to keep Time’s big mouth shut is to give it a bigger butt.

Taurus: Knowing what you want is fine, but now you have to figure out how to get it. Try diplomacy instead of a giant butterfly net, because those nets are easy to chew through.

Gemini: Your hands are full; only you know whether that’s a good thing or not. Are they occupied with stressful, mind-harrowing work or Daniel Craig’s butt? You’ll know when to let go.

Cancer: You’re ready for a life-changing event, but do you have your makeup on? These days, the journey of a thousand steps usually begins with a selfie. Try not to fall over while making your duck face.

Leo: Like a phone flashlight app, you shine brightly in dark situations. That’s great if you’re trying to walk up the driveway, not so much if someone’s attempting to sleep. Tone down your glow for a few hours and recharge your battery.

Virgo: It’s best to know your own heart before you jump into a new situation. Otherwise, you’ll have to rely on your spleen for introductions during a tense moment, which would be awkward for everyone.

Libra: Some say love is a many-splendored thing, but wiser minds know it’s also a many-splintered thing as well. It’s fine to dance through the daisies when you’re in love, just don’t go barefoot.

Scorpio: Every day is a wild new adventure, but at this point, you’d love a quiet, boring week inside an air-conditioned cubicle with a mini-coffee pot and good Internet. Hang in there, because dull wishes do come true.

Sagittarius: Thursday isn’t quite like walking on Legos in the dark, it’s more like falling in them face-first. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine as long as you keep your mouth shut and break your fall with the bean bag chair that someone forgot to put away for the fourth day in a row.

Capricorn: Can’t find your bliss? It’s probably under that pile of dirty laundry in your bedroom. If you haven’t found it by the time you’ve washed, dried, folded and put it all away, you’ve at least earned the wifi password for the day.

Aquarius: Saturday is a shell game. You’ll get three chances, but only one of them is a real opportunity to make money. Study the universe’s hands before you decide, or just kick the universe in the knee and grab what’s yours.

Pisces: Even fishies can get waterlogged by rough seas, but take heart: you’re swimming into calm waters now. Hop on board someone’s party barge for a break, because you’ve earned it.

Aries: You can draw more flies with honey but who needs more flies? Try cooking up something that draws more geese, especially if they lay golden eggs.

Taurus: Go outside and quit watching the clock. You’ll feel better, and so will your timepiece. It’s starting to get paranoid. If you’re really wondering what your clock is up to, buy a security camera.

Gemini: That ghost haunting your brain isn’t one big worry; it’s just lots of little ones standing on each other’s shoulders under a sheet. Whip the linen off them and set them straight.

Cancer: You’re relaxed, cool and oh-so-comfortable. Obviously you haven’t seen any of your family today. Worry about the kids and the in-laws later; right now you have a playdate with a margarita.

Leo: Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. You can’t see the finish line because of all the goals you’ve set for yourself. Kick a few to the curb so you can run across the tape and feel accomplished.

Virgo:  If there’s a song in your heart, it’s because your iPod slipped in your running bra again. Fish it out and give it some fresh air, but keep the girls in place unless you want some instant Facebook fame.

Libra: Someone wants you to know your place, but they’ve forgotten theirs. Duct tape them to the side of a Google Street View car and they’ll remember soon enough.

Scorpio: You feel like a rat in a maze, except you didn’t get any cheese or the chance to cause a bad restaurant review on Yelp! Shake off that bad mood, because tomorrow there’s plenty of cheddar and screaming women on tables.

Sagittarius: Sometimes it’s not about the destination or the journey; it’s just wondering where your luggage ended up. Be patient, because your toothbrush and Smurf underwear are partying it up in Paris.

Capricorn: Every day is a new beginning, which is handy because what you did last night ended up on YouTube. Don’t worry about that, though; just find out who emailed the link to your boss.

Aquarius: You are a summer flower, sparkling in the morning dew but kinda saggy and drooping in the 3 p.m. heat. Find some air conditioning and take root or you’ll sweat your petals off.

Pisces: Rolling with the flow would be easier if your life wasn’t full of sharp edges and corners. Invest in a bubble wrap suit and the trip will be much better, plus you have some built-in stress relievers.

Aries: An idea rings a bell with you on Monday. Listen to it before it digs up a tuba and blasts you out of your chair. Good thing you don’t have ideas often, or you’d be followed around by a marching band.

Taurus: Happiness is fleeting because you haven’t figured out how to set the right trap. Try digging a pit and covering it in birdseed. If it’s good enough for Wile E. Coyote, it’s good enough for you.

Gemini: Forget knowing all the answers to life’s questions. These days, you just need to know all your passwords. Better take your Gingko Biloba, or you’ll never remember the name of the parakeet you had in 5th grade and your email will be lost forever.

Cancer: Go ahead and do your happy dance, because Thursday brings the right beat. Everyone will be thrilled at your news, and even more tickled they don’t have to witness your sad Electric Slide anymore.

Leo: Knowing is believing, but believing is believing, too. Have faith in yourself and you’ll do mighty things. Most of them are weird and possibly immoral, but you’ll still accomplish something.

Virgo: Friday floats in like a pretty, pretty princess, but if you look under those layers of silk and crinoline, you’ll find some strong lumberjack plaid. You’ll also get your face slapped.

Libra: Everyone’s doing the warrior pose, and you’re still trying to figure out how to put on your yoga pants. Get some help, or your downward dog will inspire a lot of interesting Instagram shots.

Scorpio: Your spirits are high as a kite; keep your good mood in wide, open spaces or you’ll be tangled up in someone else’s tree. Charlie Brown’s got nothing on you, kid.

Sagittarius: Avoid hipsters with beards trimmed to look like octopuses. There’s no cosmic reason why, it’s just common sense, really. No one needs that much smugness in their day.

Capricorn: You want to stop and smell the roses, but you’re total crap at identifying plants. Just scratch and sniff a perfume sample before you tumble into a human-sized Venus Flytrap.

Aquarius: Great things are within your grasp. This is excellent news if you’re Elastic Man, not so wonderful if you’re a T-Rex. Buy one of those shelf grabber claws; your dreams—and the cookies—will finally be within reach.

Pisces: The only way you’ll walk in grace is if she trips and falls down in front of you. Wear your glasses so you can help her up instead of leaving footprints across her back. Maybe you two can lock arms and help each other across the street so neither one of you is flattened by a VW beetle.

Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.

Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.

Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.

Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.

Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.

Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”

Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.

Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.

Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.

Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.

Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.

Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.

Aries: You’re not paranoid if they’re really out to get you. Luckily, the only one throwing you shade this week is the dog, but you’ll be safe. Once he gets that cone of shame removed, however, watch your step.

Taurus: April rain brings May flowers, but July rain just means the ants are wearing life vests. Take your picnic indoors unless you want to be boarded by tiny pirates sailing the high seas of your lawn in a cereal box.

Gemini: A wise old man once said it’s better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The man obviously wasn’t on Twitter.  Keep some Purell nearby if you get your hands dirty smacking a few online trolls.

Cancer: You’ve got more goosebumps than an exotic dancer with a cold pole. Could be something exciting heading your way, and it’s more than just a new g-string.

Leo: Patience is a virtue, but it also makes a great helmet, a snazzy coat and a very fetching messenger bag. Make it your latest designer label, and you’ll get compliments every day.

Virgo: No one likes a sore loser, but a testy winner isn’t a lot of laughs, either. If you’re too cranky to play the game, retreat to your lair and read a good book. Your fellow players—and their shins—will thank you.

Libra: The time for action is now, but where do you point it? Put on some clothes before you put someone’s eye out, and you’ll find yourself a sweetie soon enough. All the hotties love a sharp dressed you.

Scorpio: No one said life is easy, but you would at least expect all the knobs to be marked better. Remember, righty-tighty, lefty loosey works in almost any situation.

Sagittarius: If money seems to be slipping through your fingers, there may be a connection between the cat, your smartphone and your credit card. After all, it’s not the goldfish buying new levels for MiceCapades Extreme in the app store. Time to change your password.

Capricorn: You have a near-miss with a juggler on a unicycle and you’re heckled by a passing mime on Wednesday. The circus may have you under surveillance, check your closet for lions with microphones and apologize for what you did with those clowns.

Aquarius: Tuesday will be a rather awesome day, and not even the universe knows why. Hey, it happens. Enjoy the randomness of being on everyone’s good side for a change.

Pisces: If things are looking up, you suspect it’s because a meteor is heading this way. Relax, that crater will happen at least four feet away from you.

Aries: You know this tune, it’s time to change the beat. Pull out your sunglasses and turntable, and show those tittering hipsters how it’s really done at the farmer’s market. Time for an heirloom tomato dance-off.

Taurus: Forget having a bee in your bonnet, someone’s stuffed a mad pterodactyl up in there. Lose the hat or let cooler heads prevail until you get that dinosaur off your noggin.

Gemini: You’re no drama llama, but you may be a comedy capybara on Thursday. At least you didn’t end up a soap opera honey badger, that one really has problems. Plus, he bites.

Cancer: Aim for the good life, but don’t be disappointed by a mediocre day. Every quiet day means no pointing a fire hose at someone, unless their hair’s on fire or you just really want to.

Leo: The streets aren’t paved with gold this week, but they’re littered with gift cards and BOGO coupons, which is close enough. Scoop up all the goodies you can, you’ve earned it.

Virgo: There’s no statute of limitations on apologies, but there is a statue of limitations, and she’s flipping you the stony bird. Make amends with everyone, and shoo away the pigeons while you’re at it.

Libra: Happiness isn’t always the butterfly perched gently on your nose. Sometimes it’s a friendly lizard who slithers into your life and eats all the pesky flies. Rethink your definitions and you’ll realize you’re in a better place than you thought.

Scorpio: Monday is like trying to give a cat a bath; there will be growling, scratching and cursing. Put down the sponge and leave it alone. It will clean itself up by evening.

Sagittarius: When your boss knows something you don’t, it’s normal. When you know something your boss doesn’t, it means a raise. Especially if you have pictures.

Capricorn: You let your feelings go commando, and now you’re dealing with emotional chafing. Slap some powder on that sadness and stand in a cool breeze for a while. Next time, remember the Underoos before you let your heart out for a run.

Aquarius: Each morning brings a fresh start. If you screw that up, you can change your name and try again in the afternoon. Thankfully, no one cares if you’re an idiot on the Internet, so you have at least 675 more chances to make things right.

Pisces: You’re in a good place right now, so quit worrying about how late the buses run or where you can find the best tamales. Just enjoy the view and everything will fall into place. If you’re lucky, it won’t do so on your head.

Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried.  Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.

Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell  you a roll of aluminum foil.

Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.

Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.

Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.

Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.

Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.

Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.

Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.

Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.

Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.

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