Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but don’t stray too far from your roots. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama was closer to an Osmond, so you have all the zaniness of Lite Rock FM.

Taurus:  Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.

Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.

Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.

Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.

Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.

Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.

Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.

Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.

Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.

Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.

Aries: Stand up straight on Friday. If you bend over, Cupid’s arrow will go astray and your left butt cheek will fall madly in love with the little old lady on a park bench. At least she’ll meet your best side.

Taurus: You’re rational, logical and level-headed; where’s the fun in that? Check your brain at the door for one night and make some spectacularly bad decisions. You’ll earn free beers from the tattoo story alone.

Gemini: You’ve bent the rules so much, they’re stretched out like granny panties from 1973. Time to snap back to attention and toe the line with a snazzy little thong.

Cancer: Wednesday is your lucky day. Your socks match, your hair is remarkably free from gum or Cheerios and not only can you hear yourself think, you don’t have to yell to do it. Ask your folks to take the kids for a few more days, because this is bliss.

Leo: The future may not be written in stone, but it could be wrapped around a brick and bounced off your hard head this Tuesday. Read the note, but remember to duck before the next karmic hint dents that bulletproof hairdo.

Virgo: Life is a mystery, and so is that smell coming from your car vents. Time to find out whodunit before the aroma sets your nose hair on fire during your daily commute.

Libra: Breakups are never fun, but you’ve had worse pain walking across Legos in the middle of the night. This too will pass, but with far less cursing and hopping.

Scorpio: If your days pass like sand through an hourglass, your life is the worst snowglobe ever. The least you can do is dress up an armadillo in a tiny leprechaun outfit to make things more exciting.

Sagittarius: For you, Monday is Opposite Day: your boss is cheerful, your children are polite and the cable installer actually shows up on time. By Tuesday you’ll be a nervous wreck waiting for things to get back to normal.

Capricorn: Your true inner self won’t be revealed through a Facebook quiz, but all those Instagram photos of your lunch could hold the key to figuring out why your inner self needs existential Spanx.

Aquarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but why bother with flies at all? Next time your Prince Charming turns into a frog, tell him to track down his own dinner.

Pisces: For some, life is an easy ride to well-being and success. For you, it’s a car trip with one tire missing, the steering wheel on fire and the gas tank filled with moonshine and marshmallow cream. Bounce off enough roadblocks and stunned pedestrians, and you’ll accidentally end up where you meant to go.

##

Aries: One step forward and two steps back may look great on the dance floor, but it’s a lousy life plan. Take an opportunity on Wednesday to get ahead before you back yourself into the punch bowl.

Taurus: Sometimes when you reach for the stars, others see you as a crazy person swatting at invisible bugs in the backyard. Keep grasping for that dream, but do it out of sight for a while or the neighbors will be nervous.

Gemini: You’re like a kid in a candy store; too many choices, not enough time. Pick something top shelf and set your mind to it instead of gorging on everything you see and sleeping off a sugar coma under the counter. Success is sweet, but it shouldn’t give you diabetes.

Cancer: The only way you’re ready to leave the nest is if there’s a fold-out hang glider tucked in your pocket. Flap those wings a bit more before you make the big move, otherwise it’s a long way down.

Leo: Opportunity is yours for the taking, but there’s no need to sneak up on it and catch it unaware. Walk right up to it and grab it while everyone’s watching, the universe knows you deserve it.

Virgo: No one expects you to be perfect, but they’d love it if you were a little less neurotic. Tell them “Tough cookies!” and trot merrily down your weird, twitchy path.

Libra: Someone’s trying to get your attention. Go ahead and notice them before a co-worker calls the cops on their naked, painted butt out in the parking lot. They may not be a keeper, but they’ll liven up your weekend.

Scorpio: It’s fine to need your personal space, just don’t fill it up with Cheetos and beer. It’s hard to reflect on personal growth with all that crunching and slurping, and smashing the empty cans on your forehead isn’t doing your brain any favors.

Sagittarius: You can find the best in life or the worst, it depends on the glasses you’re wearing. Go for the rose-tinted ones this week and you’ll never notice the dirty house or that the dog is using your iPad as a chew toy.

Capricorn: You can take a Risk, but it would be easier to smuggle Trivial Pursuit under your coat. Either way, it sounds like family game night has gotten out of control.

Aquarius: Your needs are simple: you just want to rule the world, have everyone adore you and finally find the perfect pair of jeans. One out of three isn’t bad, and you’ll be the kindest Supreme Honcho in the supervillain neighborhood.

Pisces: You take to change like a fish takes to go-go boots. Still, some change is good, even if it’s scary. Hop in, because those boots look awesome on you.

Aries: Putting your best foot forward isn’t an option with those toenails. Try sticking in your best elbow or kneecap. The other person will be too confused to realize how strange you truly are.

Taurus: If you can’t make something right, you can at least make it sparkle. A few glitter bombs around the office will distract your boss from your latest screw-up, just make sure no one knows you did it.

Gemini: There’s a difficult task in front of you, but you’re too intimidated to tackle it head on. Use a different approach; sneak up on it and tickle it until it pees. That levels any playing field.

Cancer: Home is where the heart is and right now your heart is following around that hottie in the tight jeans. Pull up an easy chair and ask them what kind of cable TV package they like, because you’re in for the night.

Leo: Your body is giving you a sign, so pay attention to the one declaring “Caution” and slow down. Otherwise, you’ll end up by Falling Rock, which could mean a concussion or a hilarious crotch hit worthy of YouTube.

Virgo: Burning the candle at both ends is fine for a while, but try more than that and you’re just a wax firestarter. Get the pine cone out of your butt and tell your co-workers to quit warming their feet over your meltdown.

Libra: You’ll hit the jackpot on Tuesday, but the next day you’ll have a mean-tempered leprechaun wanting his gold back. Go ahead and marry him; you’ll keep the cash in the family and learn he’s hilarious when he’s drunk.

Scorpio: Everyone hides a few secrets, but you could do better than just duct taping them to the screen door. Hide them where no one in your house will look, like the dishwasher or a bag of broccoli in the fridge.

Sagittarius: Taking the low road finally pays off when there’s a 12-vehicle morality pileup on the high road. Wave as you pass by and take a few photos as they try to untangle their high horses.

Capricorn: All’s fair in love and war, but when it comes to the office coffeemaker, there are rules. Don’t pee in someone’s French roast unless you want a yogurt cup full of farts.

Aquarius: It took you most of your life, but you have finally found your tribe. Wrap yourself in your freak flag and throw down your best dance moves around the campfire, because these people get you.

Pisces: You know all the ins and outs, so why not make a few bucks by showing other people a few shortcuts? A lifetime of hard knocks adds up to a rather awesome map of the universe.

Aries: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Seriously, you need to find that glass eye and put it back on your uncle’s nightstand before he wakes up. He doesn’t need to know where that thing has been.

Taurus: Every moment has a story, but no one wants to hear your Greek tragedy over the coffee run this morning. What you did with that crazy blonde who wore the eyepatch? Completely different matter.

Gemini: When you feel like your life is spinning in circles, just pop the lid and get out of the blender. You may be an acquired taste, but you’re too weird to water yourself down in a socially acceptable smoothie.

Cancer: Seven is an important number on Wednesday. Could be how many millions you win in the lottery or how many parking tickets you receive. Either way, it will be a pulse-pounding day.

Leo: When you get to the end of your rope, don’t just tie a knot. Unravel it a bit and weave a nifty plant hanger with beads and ceramic turtles. If you’re going to lose your mind, do it in style.

Virgo: Each path has a few bumps, but you’ve been axle-deep in the off-roading challenge for a while. Tuesday gives you an opportunity to smooth out the highway ahead. Take it, unless you’re really into climbing rocks with that 1983 Ford Focus.

Libra: There’s a place and time for everything. What you have in mind shouldn’t be done during the “I do” part of your brother’s wedding. Where would you get that many ferrets in tiny drag queen outfits anyway?

Scorpio: Your chance to become rich and famous happens at 10:15 a.m. on Friday. It’s also happening 300 miles away from you, so tough luck on that. Good thing you have no desire for groupies, mansions and unlimited vodka.

Sagittarius: You form an unusual friendship with a slightly bent spork this weekend. Everyone will tell you that being together is wrong, but you know you’re the one who can straighten him out. Celebrate your togetherness with mashed potatoes and cole slaw.

Capricorn: If clouds had linings, wouldn’t they leak less often? These are the thoughts keeping you up at night. You’ll either become a start-up entrepreneur or someone on really good prescribed meds.

Aquarius: Sure, you can know your place, just don’t stay there because it’s nowhere near your outrageous home base. It is a great spot to drop off dirty laundry and spare car parts, though.

Pisces: Progress is made one step at a time, but you don’t have patience for that. Try skipping merrily down the path before you strap on the jet pack.

Aries: The world may not slow down for you, but that doesn’t mean it can throw you off, either. Ride the day like a mechanical bull in a Texas bar, and throw in the occasional ‘Yee Haw!’ just to keep your coworkers on their toes.

Taurus: Forget candy and roses. Show your sweetie you still care by giving them the remote and sitting through that five-hour PBS special on bees throughout history. That’s true love. Well, that, and not making them wear the Robert Downey, Jr. mask in bed anymore.

Gemini: Some boundaries shouldn’t be pushed, but they can be tickled. Remember, kinky is a single feather, perverted is using the whole chicken, really warped is dressing the chicken in a negligee first and asking it to whip you with gluten-free linguini.

Cancer: You are the SuperGlue of the family: you’re dependable, loyal, and usually stuck in odd places for no apparent reason. While you wait for that nail polish remover to work, use something less binding to keep your family together, like cheese.

Leo:  Those boots aren’t made for walking but they are capable of a lively Riverdance. Step to it and show off those wild Irish moves during the next corporate committee meeting. You’ll be the talk of the HR department.

Virgo: When you tell the universe you want a purpose in life, you shouldn’t mumble. On the bright side, your new career as a porpoise trainer looks exciting, especially if you squeeze in some Spanx under that wet suit.

Libra: To thine own self, be true. Everyone else can bugger off, especially on Wednesday.  If they can’t take a hint, a sharp kick to the shin will do the trick.

Scorpio: Seeing a penny and picking it up doesn’t always bring good luck, especially if Penny carries pepper spray and a mean right hook. Next time, just text her your OKCupid profile and you’ll spend less time in the ER.

Sagittarius: You’ll think up three new concepts on Tuesday. One is a million-dollar idea, the other two will just get you slapped. Tread carefully, blows to the head aren’t always as fun as they sound.

Capricorn: Stapling yourself to your desk may be a cry for help on Monday, or it could be the only way you can keep your fellow cubicle drones from stealing that sweet new office chair you swiped from someone else Friday. Prepare the Nerf gun, this could mean war.

Aquarius: You have the magical touch, why waste it on frog-smooching when there are dragons to slay and unicorns to ride? Tell all interested princes to tweet their resumes to you and head off into Wonderland for an awesome day.

Pisces: A wellspring of ideas will bubble up this week. Drink freely of this inspiration, and chase off the big dogs who just want to piddle in your new puddle.

Aries: You’ve fallen in love, but some stupidity has splashed up on your pants leg. Don’t worry, a Sham Wow and taking your sweetie to meet your parents will throw cold water on that stain.

Taurus: Success is in your corner when you drop all the New Year’s resolutions and go with goals like “Keep breathing” and “Don’t carry ferrets on your head.” Take that, people who are dieting right now.

Gemini: Your destiny is like a secret note being passed around in a cosmic classroom. At recess, kick Karma in the shin and demand to know what’s going on. Be prepared for revenge swirlies, though.

Cancer: You have all the charm and grace of a toddler hopped up on cotton candy. Wait until that sugar buzz has passed before you say anything at work, because a time out there means the receptionist locks you in the bathroom without toilet paper.

Leo: Be bold. Be spicy. Be saucy. Basically, go through your week like a bag of Doritos and you’ll know the crunchy goodness of success. You’ll also learn the twitchiness of too much MSG, but you can just blame coffee.

Virgo: Everything’s coming up roses, which is weird since you planted tomatoes and basil in that window garden. Enjoy the unexpected bouquet while you cuss out the seed company.

Libra: Some rules are made to be broken, like that cheap particleboard furniture you bought over the holidays. Thankfully, neither the bookcase nor the consequences hurt when the pieces fall on your head.

Scorpio: You’re attracted to a deep, dark stranger, but don’t go diving into that pool just yet. Splash around in their puddles a bit first, or you could get the bends.

Sagittarius: So far, the new  year has stared you down like a lemur on Ritalin. You could return the favor, but that’s a staring contest you’ll never win. Throw some grapes its way, even if they are sour.

Capricorn: Some are built for comfort, others for speed, but you’re custom-tailored for an unsettling ride. You may be awkward, but you’ll go the distance, even if you have a wayward rear wheel.

Aquarius: Sometimes a lifestyle change is a perfect fit, but most of the time you’re walking funny with a mental wedgie for months. It’s okay to dig your head out of your butt, just do it behind a plant so no one sees.

Pisces: Thursday would be a good day for a robot uprising. Get on that. Remember to program them so they make you their leader, though, otherwise the weekend could be messy.

Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are far worse places to grab, and those will get yanked this weekend. Just pray they don’t have cold hands.

Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.

Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so TLC won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.

Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted longer than a bag of donuts at a Weight Watchers meeting.  That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable broccoli at the table.

Libra: You may want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing a stick figure in Victoria’s Secret: there’s nothing to keep it up. Work on your motivational curves this year.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.

Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, like the tequila you slurp when your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!

Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up, like in Vegas handcuffed to a bear and pulling singles out of your shorts.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.

Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.

 

Aries: Every time you turn over a new leaf, there’s some mold or a weird-looking frog underneath. Quit raking up the past, and just accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Except that big, slimy one. You should get that checked.

Taurus: The best gift you can give yourself is compassion and patience. They will serve you well while trying to return that sparking shower massager your mother-in-law gave you.

Gemini: The problem with being shallow? Anyone can make a big splash in your life. Strike a happy balance, though, you don’t want to be so deep, National Geographic sends a robot down to explore the bizarre fish you attract.

Cancer: Quit trying to force your views on someone. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to sparkling flavored water but you can’t make him Instagram it and give your water bar a positive review on Yelp.

Leo: Behold the simple songbird, flitting about in the tree, and try not to curse his feathered hide because he’s not stuck inside with his family after the holiday dinner. How can an argument about football turn into a debate about John Wayne’s underwear?

Virgo: You may think you’re the master of your own ship, but in reality it’s just a toy boat that’s about to be flushed. Climb the mast and jump for the seat, at least you’ll have a good view when it goes down.

Libra: As you recline on the couch in a pie-induced stupor, remember that’s never too early to consider your New Year’s resolutions. Especially since you’re wearing those sweatpants like a thong.

Scorpio: You asked Santa for a unicorn and the possibility that Grandma could keep her robe closed on Christmas morning. Happy Holidays, enjoy your unicorn! They probably sell magical beastie feed at Petco.

Sagittarius: On Wednesday, your sweetie will wink and remind you how long the winter nights can be. Do not say anything about binge-watching all the new movies on Netflix unless you plan to live on the sofa until spring.

Capricorn: Find the positive in everything around you, and avoid the negative. You’ll have a better, less-crispy attitude when figuring out those jumper cables in the middle of a snowstorm.

Aquarius: Don’t be sad that another holiday season is about to pass. Rejoice in the fact that you haven’t beaten anyone with a candy cane because the radio just played “Little Drummer Boy” for the 20, 158th time. It’s the small victories that count.

Pisces: Your imagination is so vivid, you make Walter Mitty look like a complete amateur. Take some of those dreams out into the real world next year and they may come true. But not the one about raptors chasing people in the mall. Sorry.

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2015 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweat pants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

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