Aries: Feeling oppressed? You’re not into rainbows, so maybe you’re more 50 Shades of Grey. Next time you’re being held down by the man, ask for a spanking while he’s there. Your freak flag may fly in a whole new direction.

Taurus: Spread your wings on Monday, because you’re ready to fly. Remember, it’s the wings, not the thighs; that path leads you into a bucket of trouble instead of the wild blue sky.

Gemini: Something’s gone horribly, unbelievably right in your life, and now you’re twitchier than an espresso taster. Relax, put away those paranoid binoculars and slip on the rose-colored glasses.

Cancer: Something is not what it seems at your Sunday picnic, but that’s okay. You’re getting plenty of fiber but if you have a few berries with that twig, you may become a full-time vegetarian.

Leo: The next few days will be easy for you, because each of your problems has its moniker tattooed on its rear end, allowing you to kick butt and take names in one easy step.

Virgo: You’ve been contemplating a big decision. The answer is yes, you can pull off a belly ring at your age, as long as no one ever sees it. Do it for yourself, and let it be the weird quirk that freaks out your next drunken hookup.

Libra: No one expects you to be perfect, but they do want you to give it the old college try. If you can’t swing that, at least go for the kindergarten try so you’ll get a cookie after you fail.

Scorpio: Normal is just a setting on the dryer, and if you stay in there too long, your personality shrinks until it gives your brain a wedgie. Go ahead and flap in the breeze; your open mind is just the right fit.

Sagittarius: A dark cloud looms on your horizon. Set up an umbrella over your breakfast table and it won’t get the chance to pee in your Post Toasties, although it still may leave some puddles on your carpet.

Capricorn: Each day is a blessing and each trouble is a present. With any luck, you won’t be blessed with any more gifts on Friday. If you are, demand to see karma’s customer service manager.

Aquarius: You could tackle that thorny problem head on, but it’s easier if you sneak up on it and just goose it so it runs toward someone else. Let them deal with a snorting and mad dilemma with sharp hooves.

Pisces: Things may not be coming up roses, but they’re coming up dandelions, which is almost as good. Roses are pretty, but they make terrible wine.

Aries:  Every rose has its thorn, but you’re up against a porcupine. If you’re determined to see that rose tattoo, buy a new first aid kit and perhaps a tetanus booster while you’re at it.

Taurus: Crap hitting the fan isn’t so bad when it’s one of those dollar store personal fans powered by a weak AA battery. You’ll be wishing for one of those when your personal load of doo-doo smacks a high-powered warehouse ventilation fan. Good thing you invested in a fire hose for easy clean-up.

Gemini: Not everyone’s chickens come home to roost. Yours have packed up and moved to the city for a shot at fame and fortune on TV. If you’re lucky, they’ll send you some seed money now and again.

Cancer: If someone gives you a lottery ticket, hold on to it. It may not win, but it will provide you with a  good alibi after the strange ferret situation on Wednesday.

Leo: Your life is like an old-fashioned television set; sometimes the universe gives you a whack to straighten out the picture. Drop the static when you feel it, or you’ll get a few more karmic love taps.

Virgo: Others may hog the road, but no one knows the path as well as you. Take a thermos and some beef jerky along, because you’re about to get the fast track all to yourself.

Libra: You’re feeling as welcome as kale on a barbecue grill. You may not be steak but you can still sizzle, so work those weird leafy curves and make everyone regret passing you by.

Scorpio: If a tree falls in the forest and no one tweets it, did it really happen? Take a few selfies with your own log and you could be the busiest one on Tinder. Just hope it doesn’t go viral, because you’re out of antibiotics.

Sagittarius: You can’t change the past any more than you can build a log cabin with a spoon. You can, however, use that spoon to eat ice cream while you plan the future. Besides, everyone knows the best cabins are built with sporks.

Capricorn: Happiness is like dog poop: you’re walking through life, suddenly look down and there it is. At least inner tranquility is easier to get off your shoe and it smells better, too.

Aquarius: You may not be able to scale the mountain, but with a knife, some pliers and three other people, you can totally open a FedEx box. Celebrate your success by opening a jar of pickles and soak up all the applause.

Pisces: Forget the tortoise and the hare, they’re just obsessed with speed. Join up with the free-spirited quokka. You’ll still get there, but you’ll meet more people and have much more fun along the way.

Aries: Enjoy your shining star moment, because on Thursday you’ll fall from the sky like a meteor hurtling toward a parked car. Others will hear the car alarm when you crash, but all you hear through that bulletproof ego is a fanfare.

Taurus: Yes, the world is magic, but it’s more cheap card trick than receiving a letter for Hogwarts. Your best shot is to practice your handwork and find a hottie with far fewer brain cells than yourself.  So, yeah, it will be a challenge.

Gemini: Someone’s acting the dirty rat, but they don’t realize they’re the lab mouse in your maze. Go ahead, be heartless and plunk down some soy cheese.

Cancer:  On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light, you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Leo:  Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Virgo: You can dance if you want to, but don’t leave your friends behind. Because your friends can’t dance and if they can’t dance, they can at least buy the Jell-O shots while you’re on the floor showing off your Safety Dance moves.

Libra: Tuesday is a drop in the bucket, but Friday is a fire hose blowing the bucket away. Probably time to find some dry socks and a bigger bucket for your ambitions, like an empty pool.

Scorpio: People don’t have to know you to love you; in fact, it’s better if they don’t know you at all when you two meet in the broom closet on the fourth floor. Bonus: the moaning and banging makes your co-workers believe the building is haunted.

Sagittarius: Quit beating yourself up, because you’re a mean fighter. Sure, you need a break, but ending up in a body cast is the wrong kind of break. Take some quiet time before you end up trying to scratch an itch with a coat hanger.

Capricorn: You’re actually doing very well this week, although you’ll step in some gum and you might have a bad hair day on Saturday. Boo hoo. Get a hat.

Aquarius: Re-evaluate your life choices on Wednesday. Your “Aha!” moment shouldn’t involve someone in a trench coat, mud boots and a battery-operated twirling bra.

Pisces: It’s fine to avoid the drama llamas and keep company with an emotionally stable wombat, but a little excitement is good for you. Call up your nearest hairy divas for lunch and watch the fur fly.

Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but don’t stray too far from your roots. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama was closer to an Osmond, so you have all the zaniness of Lite Rock FM.

Taurus:  Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.

Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.

Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.

Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.

Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.

Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.

Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.

Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.

Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.

Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.

Aries: Stand up straight on Friday. If you bend over, Cupid’s arrow will go astray and your left butt cheek will fall madly in love with the little old lady on a park bench. At least she’ll meet your best side.

Taurus: You’re rational, logical and level-headed; where’s the fun in that? Check your brain at the door for one night and make some spectacularly bad decisions. You’ll earn free beers from the tattoo story alone.

Gemini: You’ve bent the rules so much, they’re stretched out like granny panties from 1973. Time to snap back to attention and toe the line with a snazzy little thong.

Cancer: Wednesday is your lucky day. Your socks match, your hair is remarkably free from gum or Cheerios and not only can you hear yourself think, you don’t have to yell to do it. Ask your folks to take the kids for a few more days, because this is bliss.

Leo: The future may not be written in stone, but it could be wrapped around a brick and bounced off your hard head this Tuesday. Read the note, but remember to duck before the next karmic hint dents that bulletproof hairdo.

Virgo: Life is a mystery, and so is that smell coming from your car vents. Time to find out whodunit before the aroma sets your nose hair on fire during your daily commute.

Libra: Breakups are never fun, but you’ve had worse pain walking across Legos in the middle of the night. This too will pass, but with far less cursing and hopping.

Scorpio: If your days pass like sand through an hourglass, your life is the worst snowglobe ever. The least you can do is dress up an armadillo in a tiny leprechaun outfit to make things more exciting.

Sagittarius: For you, Monday is Opposite Day: your boss is cheerful, your children are polite and the cable installer actually shows up on time. By Tuesday you’ll be a nervous wreck waiting for things to get back to normal.

Capricorn: Your true inner self won’t be revealed through a Facebook quiz, but all those Instagram photos of your lunch could hold the key to figuring out why your inner self needs existential Spanx.

Aquarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but why bother with flies at all? Next time your Prince Charming turns into a frog, tell him to track down his own dinner.

Pisces: For some, life is an easy ride to well-being and success. For you, it’s a car trip with one tire missing, the steering wheel on fire and the gas tank filled with moonshine and marshmallow cream. Bounce off enough roadblocks and stunned pedestrians, and you’ll accidentally end up where you meant to go.

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Aries: One step forward and two steps back may look great on the dance floor, but it’s a lousy life plan. Take an opportunity on Wednesday to get ahead before you back yourself into the punch bowl.

Taurus: Sometimes when you reach for the stars, others see you as a crazy person swatting at invisible bugs in the backyard. Keep grasping for that dream, but do it out of sight for a while or the neighbors will be nervous.

Gemini: You’re like a kid in a candy store; too many choices, not enough time. Pick something top shelf and set your mind to it instead of gorging on everything you see and sleeping off a sugar coma under the counter. Success is sweet, but it shouldn’t give you diabetes.

Cancer: The only way you’re ready to leave the nest is if there’s a fold-out hang glider tucked in your pocket. Flap those wings a bit more before you make the big move, otherwise it’s a long way down.

Leo: Opportunity is yours for the taking, but there’s no need to sneak up on it and catch it unaware. Walk right up to it and grab it while everyone’s watching, the universe knows you deserve it.

Virgo: No one expects you to be perfect, but they’d love it if you were a little less neurotic. Tell them “Tough cookies!” and trot merrily down your weird, twitchy path.

Libra: Someone’s trying to get your attention. Go ahead and notice them before a co-worker calls the cops on their naked, painted butt out in the parking lot. They may not be a keeper, but they’ll liven up your weekend.

Scorpio: It’s fine to need your personal space, just don’t fill it up with Cheetos and beer. It’s hard to reflect on personal growth with all that crunching and slurping, and smashing the empty cans on your forehead isn’t doing your brain any favors.

Sagittarius: You can find the best in life or the worst, it depends on the glasses you’re wearing. Go for the rose-tinted ones this week and you’ll never notice the dirty house or that the dog is using your iPad as a chew toy.

Capricorn: You can take a Risk, but it would be easier to smuggle Trivial Pursuit under your coat. Either way, it sounds like family game night has gotten out of control.

Aquarius: Your needs are simple: you just want to rule the world, have everyone adore you and finally find the perfect pair of jeans. One out of three isn’t bad, and you’ll be the kindest Supreme Honcho in the supervillain neighborhood.

Pisces: You take to change like a fish takes to go-go boots. Still, some change is good, even if it’s scary. Hop in, because those boots look awesome on you.

Aries: Putting your best foot forward isn’t an option with those toenails. Try sticking in your best elbow or kneecap. The other person will be too confused to realize how strange you truly are.

Taurus: If you can’t make something right, you can at least make it sparkle. A few glitter bombs around the office will distract your boss from your latest screw-up, just make sure no one knows you did it.

Gemini: There’s a difficult task in front of you, but you’re too intimidated to tackle it head on. Use a different approach; sneak up on it and tickle it until it pees. That levels any playing field.

Cancer: Home is where the heart is and right now your heart is following around that hottie in the tight jeans. Pull up an easy chair and ask them what kind of cable TV package they like, because you’re in for the night.

Leo: Your body is giving you a sign, so pay attention to the one declaring “Caution” and slow down. Otherwise, you’ll end up by Falling Rock, which could mean a concussion or a hilarious crotch hit worthy of YouTube.

Virgo: Burning the candle at both ends is fine for a while, but try more than that and you’re just a wax firestarter. Get the pine cone out of your butt and tell your co-workers to quit warming their feet over your meltdown.

Libra: You’ll hit the jackpot on Tuesday, but the next day you’ll have a mean-tempered leprechaun wanting his gold back. Go ahead and marry him; you’ll keep the cash in the family and learn he’s hilarious when he’s drunk.

Scorpio: Everyone hides a few secrets, but you could do better than just duct taping them to the screen door. Hide them where no one in your house will look, like the dishwasher or a bag of broccoli in the fridge.

Sagittarius: Taking the low road finally pays off when there’s a 12-vehicle morality pileup on the high road. Wave as you pass by and take a few photos as they try to untangle their high horses.

Capricorn: All’s fair in love and war, but when it comes to the office coffeemaker, there are rules. Don’t pee in someone’s French roast unless you want a yogurt cup full of farts.

Aquarius: It took you most of your life, but you have finally found your tribe. Wrap yourself in your freak flag and throw down your best dance moves around the campfire, because these people get you.

Pisces: You know all the ins and outs, so why not make a few bucks by showing other people a few shortcuts? A lifetime of hard knocks adds up to a rather awesome map of the universe.

Aries: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Seriously, you need to find that glass eye and put it back on your uncle’s nightstand before he wakes up. He doesn’t need to know where that thing has been.

Taurus: Every moment has a story, but no one wants to hear your Greek tragedy over the coffee run this morning. What you did with that crazy blonde who wore the eyepatch? Completely different matter.

Gemini: When you feel like your life is spinning in circles, just pop the lid and get out of the blender. You may be an acquired taste, but you’re too weird to water yourself down in a socially acceptable smoothie.

Cancer: Seven is an important number on Wednesday. Could be how many millions you win in the lottery or how many parking tickets you receive. Either way, it will be a pulse-pounding day.

Leo: When you get to the end of your rope, don’t just tie a knot. Unravel it a bit and weave a nifty plant hanger with beads and ceramic turtles. If you’re going to lose your mind, do it in style.

Virgo: Each path has a few bumps, but you’ve been axle-deep in the off-roading challenge for a while. Tuesday gives you an opportunity to smooth out the highway ahead. Take it, unless you’re really into climbing rocks with that 1983 Ford Focus.

Libra: There’s a place and time for everything. What you have in mind shouldn’t be done during the “I do” part of your brother’s wedding. Where would you get that many ferrets in tiny drag queen outfits anyway?

Scorpio: Your chance to become rich and famous happens at 10:15 a.m. on Friday. It’s also happening 300 miles away from you, so tough luck on that. Good thing you have no desire for groupies, mansions and unlimited vodka.

Sagittarius: You form an unusual friendship with a slightly bent spork this weekend. Everyone will tell you that being together is wrong, but you know you’re the one who can straighten him out. Celebrate your togetherness with mashed potatoes and cole slaw.

Capricorn: If clouds had linings, wouldn’t they leak less often? These are the thoughts keeping you up at night. You’ll either become a start-up entrepreneur or someone on really good prescribed meds.

Aquarius: Sure, you can know your place, just don’t stay there because it’s nowhere near your outrageous home base. It is a great spot to drop off dirty laundry and spare car parts, though.

Pisces: Progress is made one step at a time, but you don’t have patience for that. Try skipping merrily down the path before you strap on the jet pack.

Aries: The world may not slow down for you, but that doesn’t mean it can throw you off, either. Ride the day like a mechanical bull in a Texas bar, and throw in the occasional ‘Yee Haw!’ just to keep your coworkers on their toes.

Taurus: Forget candy and roses. Show your sweetie you still care by giving them the remote and sitting through that five-hour PBS special on bees throughout history. That’s true love. Well, that, and not making them wear the Robert Downey, Jr. mask in bed anymore.

Gemini: Some boundaries shouldn’t be pushed, but they can be tickled. Remember, kinky is a single feather, perverted is using the whole chicken, really warped is dressing the chicken in a negligee first and asking it to whip you with gluten-free linguini.

Cancer: You are the SuperGlue of the family: you’re dependable, loyal, and usually stuck in odd places for no apparent reason. While you wait for that nail polish remover to work, use something less binding to keep your family together, like cheese.

Leo:  Those boots aren’t made for walking but they are capable of a lively Riverdance. Step to it and show off those wild Irish moves during the next corporate committee meeting. You’ll be the talk of the HR department.

Virgo: When you tell the universe you want a purpose in life, you shouldn’t mumble. On the bright side, your new career as a porpoise trainer looks exciting, especially if you squeeze in some Spanx under that wet suit.

Libra: To thine own self, be true. Everyone else can bugger off, especially on Wednesday.  If they can’t take a hint, a sharp kick to the shin will do the trick.

Scorpio: Seeing a penny and picking it up doesn’t always bring good luck, especially if Penny carries pepper spray and a mean right hook. Next time, just text her your OKCupid profile and you’ll spend less time in the ER.

Sagittarius: You’ll think up three new concepts on Tuesday. One is a million-dollar idea, the other two will just get you slapped. Tread carefully, blows to the head aren’t always as fun as they sound.

Capricorn: Stapling yourself to your desk may be a cry for help on Monday, or it could be the only way you can keep your fellow cubicle drones from stealing that sweet new office chair you swiped from someone else Friday. Prepare the Nerf gun, this could mean war.

Aquarius: You have the magical touch, why waste it on frog-smooching when there are dragons to slay and unicorns to ride? Tell all interested princes to tweet their resumes to you and head off into Wonderland for an awesome day.

Pisces: A wellspring of ideas will bubble up this week. Drink freely of this inspiration, and chase off the big dogs who just want to piddle in your new puddle.

Aries: You’ve fallen in love, but some stupidity has splashed up on your pants leg. Don’t worry, a Sham Wow and taking your sweetie to meet your parents will throw cold water on that stain.

Taurus: Success is in your corner when you drop all the New Year’s resolutions and go with goals like “Keep breathing” and “Don’t carry ferrets on your head.” Take that, people who are dieting right now.

Gemini: Your destiny is like a secret note being passed around in a cosmic classroom. At recess, kick Karma in the shin and demand to know what’s going on. Be prepared for revenge swirlies, though.

Cancer: You have all the charm and grace of a toddler hopped up on cotton candy. Wait until that sugar buzz has passed before you say anything at work, because a time out there means the receptionist locks you in the bathroom without toilet paper.

Leo: Be bold. Be spicy. Be saucy. Basically, go through your week like a bag of Doritos and you’ll know the crunchy goodness of success. You’ll also learn the twitchiness of too much MSG, but you can just blame coffee.

Virgo: Everything’s coming up roses, which is weird since you planted tomatoes and basil in that window garden. Enjoy the unexpected bouquet while you cuss out the seed company.

Libra: Some rules are made to be broken, like that cheap particleboard furniture you bought over the holidays. Thankfully, neither the bookcase nor the consequences hurt when the pieces fall on your head.

Scorpio: You’re attracted to a deep, dark stranger, but don’t go diving into that pool just yet. Splash around in their puddles a bit first, or you could get the bends.

Sagittarius: So far, the new  year has stared you down like a lemur on Ritalin. You could return the favor, but that’s a staring contest you’ll never win. Throw some grapes its way, even if they are sour.

Capricorn: Some are built for comfort, others for speed, but you’re custom-tailored for an unsettling ride. You may be awkward, but you’ll go the distance, even if you have a wayward rear wheel.

Aquarius: Sometimes a lifestyle change is a perfect fit, but most of the time you’re walking funny with a mental wedgie for months. It’s okay to dig your head out of your butt, just do it behind a plant so no one sees.

Pisces: Thursday would be a good day for a robot uprising. Get on that. Remember to program them so they make you their leader, though, otherwise the weekend could be messy.

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