Aries: You’re a wild combination of good deeds and dirty thoughts this week. Feel free to help an old lady across the street, just don’t let her see that battery-operated rocket in your pocket. You might get more than you bargained for.
Taurus: Tuesday is a fantastic day if you want to get things done. If you don’t? Too bad. Pick up a mop and a barrel of bleach, because your room looks like a Jackson Pollack painting under a blacklight.
Gemini: If the future looks bright, it probably means a meteor hit it. Now is no time to be a dinosaur; evolve fast into something with wings so you can soar above the impact zone. Perhaps a cutting-edge eagle who knows how to fix wi-fi.
Cancer: Everyone agrees you’re awesome, so quit kicking your own butt and get on the bandwagon. The seats are upholstered and fluffy, so your tushie won’t suffer.
Leo: Not everything needs to be fixed. Some times a situation isn’t broken, it’s just bent a little. Give it some room and it will spring back to shape without your screwdriver in it.
Virgo: The universe works in mysterious ways, but it also loves a good romance, too. Make yours one of those pop-up picture books and karma will provide the perfect character for your kinky story.
Libra: You are a sunset, you are a cloud, you are the wind. You also may have accidentally taken your mother-in-law’s happy meds at the family reunion. Ask your loved ones to tie a string to your ankle. They’ll either keep you grounded or fly you like a kite.
Scorpio: Love doesn’t judge. Your neighbors do, though, so ask the circus performers to put something on before they do the walk of shame out of your house on Monday morning.
Sagittarius: On Friday, you’re like a cat riding a Roomba: you don’t care what you’re wearing or where you’re going, as long as someone else is driving. Break out the shark costume and you could go viral.
Capricorn: Your boss has some peculiar ideas, and it falls to you to straighten her out. The world isn’t ready for 3-D printed pizza, no matter how much cheese you put on the plastic pepperoni.
Aquarius: You like a place for everything and everything in its place but you can’t put Baby in a corner. Seriously, did you learn nothing from Patrick Swayze in the 1980s?
Pisces: You’ve got the skill, but you need to dig deep and unearth it. If you can’t find a shovel, grab a spoon and start tunneling. Financial freedom and independence isn’t that far away.