Aries: On Tuesday, you discover you’ve brought a water pistol to the knifefight. Make it work for you by loading that baby with ghost chili hot sauce. You’ll make them scream or ask for chips, but either way, you win.
Taurus: You’ve heard that love is a many-splendored thing, but you’re sure they meant “splintered” instead. Something your sweetie does is sticking in your craw, and not in a good way. Air your differences and wash your undies, and everything will be good again.
Gemini: Something has been niggling in the back of your mind and eating your brain. Corner it, tell it this is why you can’t have nice things, and put it in time out.
Cancer: No one said your path would be easy, but you expected at least a few greasy spoons with wifi. Buckle up, buttercup, because you’ll have to solve this on your own without the help of Google.
Leo: You can be a shining star or a dangerous asteroid; it all depends on how close someone is to you. Do the universe a favor and spend some time in outer space on Wednesday to avoid apocalyptic mishaps.
Virgo: Nothing is impossible, but what you want is so improbable, Carl Sagan needs a few more “billions” in his vocabulary to count your chances. Set your sights on something easier, like time travel or a fight-free family reunion.
Libra: When your folks accuse you of being a couch potato, let it roll off your back like a pat of butter. At least you’re not a baked potato, which really saves on the Cheetos section of the grocery bill.
Scorpio: Know why diamonds are forever? They last just as long as your honey’s ability to remember what you did wrong. You can start out with flowers, but eventually you’ll be at the shinier side of the counter so save your pennies now.
Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’ll discover that a random act of kindness is more deliberate than you think. Don’t let the actor get away, because someone who stocks your car with Nutella is definitely a keeper.
Capricorn: No one knows your pain, which is why you really need a fake Twitter account. Your online portrayal as Steven Segal’s ponytail will be almost as heart-wrenching as your naked interpretive dances on Vine.
Aquarius: Sometimes life can be a deep-fried turd, but on Thursday you’ll crack that bad boy open and discover some nuggets of gold. At least it looks like gold if you don’t put on your glasses.
Pisces: You may be a broken cookie, but at least you’re a Toll House, home-made cookie full of delicious chocolate, not one of those dry, crumbly ones on the discount shelf of the store. Be proud, because you’re uniquely cracked and weird.