Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried. Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.
Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell you a roll of aluminum foil.
Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.
Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.
Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.
Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.
Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.
Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.
Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.
Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.
Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.
Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.