Aries: Forget those who say there’s no time like the present. Next Tuesday works great, too, especially around 2 p.m. Don’t forget your inflatable platypus and rash ointment.
Taurus: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, unless you post them on your Instagram. It’s the perfect thing if you want the world to learn your parrot left you and there’s a weird fungus growing on your leg.
Gemini: You’ve got your dancing shoes on, but they don’t mix well with your cookie batter-eating sweatpants. Get your wardrobe on the same page before there’s a fight.
Cancer: All the world’s a stage, but instead of being the star you’re lurking under the floorboards. Quit trying to be the Phantom of the Opera; you’re coming off like a Scooby-Doo lighthouse keeper. Get in the spotlight where you belong.
Leo: You realize you’ve never been a special little snowflake; you’re bigger than that. You’re the sun! Shine on during Wednesday and you’ll melt all those snowflakes in their tracks.
Virgo: Everyone has a book in them, but sometimes it’s because they ate too much paste and paper in Kindergarten. Look inside and see if your book has any actual words in it, or if it’s just a pop-up book about Kanye West.
Libra: Some are born to greatness, some have it thrust upon them, but you slip in it while you’re walking the dog. Enjoy the fame but bring a plastic bag because you can’t get that out of your shoe.
Scorpio: Your boss is pissed, so review your week. Is it because you left a dead bug in his World’s Best Manager mug, or used his computer to download “Hot Lunchroom Ladies 4?” Eh, the man’s a mystery. Leave early on Friday to give him some personal space.
Sagittarius: This week, you don’t have to be the best, but you should do better than a participation ribbon, too. Any effort at all will thrill your family and that third place trophy will look great in the bathroom.
Capricorn: You try to be a shining star on Monday, but you end up more like a sputtering glow stick. You’re not the brightest, but watching your antics is illuminating. Good thing your co-workers have your therapist on speed dial.
Aquarius: Just your luck; you stop to smell the roses and there’s a bee waiting inside the petals. After the screaming and flailing, the Benadryl nap is nice.
Pisces: You keep treading water, but that long, slow hiss of your deflating arm floaties is starting to wear down your nerves. Don’t worry, the shore is in sight and there’s a cocktail and a massage therapist waiting for you.