Aries: If someone offers to clean your clock, don’t invite them in and ask if they can do the sofa and the rug, too. Once you have a black eye, you’ll be the one who’s steamed.

Taurus: Every one has a secret, but not all secrets should be told. You can blab about the big tough guy down the street, but you should be scared silly of the little grandma down the street with the knife collection.

Gemini: Now’s a good time for soul-searching, especially since they’re nothing notable on TV. Stare into your belly button and do some mental lint-picking. It beats the new show CSI: Lemonade Stand.

Cancer: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn’t give them free range to absorb yours and leave you blank-faced like a Westworld bot. Tell your friends to get their own thoughts, and keep their sticky fingers out of your brain.

Leo: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.

Virgo: If you knew your ‘Friends’ television trivia better, you wouldn’t be dodging golf balls on a driving range this Tuesday. Next time, don’t offer to caddy for a cowboy with a grudge.

Libra: Everyone else has the latest wireless tech, and you’re left holding your own dongle. Get with the crowd and step away from the flip phone, otherwise you’ll be the only one touching that dongle for months to come.

Scorpio: If you can’t recall any outstanding accomplishments that don’t involve a mugshot, you may just be on this planet as a cautionary tale for others. Have some t-shirts printed saying “Don’t be like me,” for those times when you’re too drunk to say it.

Sagittarius: A tainted tree bears no fruit, but you’re just giggling over the word “taint,” aren’t you? Don’t say you weren’t warned about karma’s temper on Friday.

Capricorn: If the world feels dark and clammy and you can’t see any friends on the horizon, you may have your head up your own butt. Untangle yourself and get some fresh air. Your friends may even come back after you shower.

Aquarius: You’re a paper clip; you hold everything together, but you’re wound pretty tight. Let yourself get bent out of shape for the right reasons, like resetting an mp3 player or picking your ex’s lock.

Pisces: It’s fine if you need a vacation away from the world; no one has a tricked-out brain like you. Let everyone else rage while you enjoy IMAX surround-sound of your favorite naked Ryan Reynolds dream.

Aries: A situation requires the gentle approach, so set aside the power tools and practice your finger exercises. You’ve already destroyed two iPads and a phone this year, your ham-handed ways are costing you a fortune.

Taurus: Good grief, pull yourself together and keep it that way. Use staples and Velcro if you have to, but reserve the duct tape for last ditch situations. Like Saturday.

Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you have enough to bewilder those asking the questions. Remember, the guru on the mountaintop ended up there just so he could get some peace, and better wifi for a Netflix binge.

Cancer:Reach deep inside yourself for the truth you seek. Not that deep, though. If you find something squishy, it’s not the truth, it’s your appendix. Neither one of them need to come out right now.

Leo: The earth may revolve around you, but you don’t have to shine on everyone all the time. Quit poking at those enjoying the shade; they won’t sing your praises, but they might use some interesting hand gestures.

Virgo: Your plan is nearly complete. All you need now is lots of money, time, and a discarded gum wrapper. Take heart, because you already have one of these things. Hustle until you have the other two.

Libra: Someone’s playing the wrong tune for all your right moves. If you can’t fall into step, kick the drum player and change the beat. Or offer him a couch and some pizza. That usually works.

Scorpio: Broaden your horizons this week. Not only does travel and adventure introduce you to new concepts, it also expands your mind. Good thing, too, because you really need more room so you can move around your mental furniture.

Sagittarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like you’re in the shower, but text like your grandmother is reading every single one. That goes double for pics. Granny doesn’t want to see your junk.

Capricorn: Your stubbornness is legendary; that’s why the highway makes a loop around your house instead of going through it. Pick your battles carefully on Friday, though. Someone you meet isn’t as easygoing as the guys on the road crew.

Aquarius: Be brave, be bold, and on Thursday, be under the covers with a flashlight until the storm passes. Some things are too weird to face alone, and your back-up won’t arrive until the zombies are gone.

Pisces: You’re feeling out-of-sorts. But really, have you ever been in-sorts? Your everyday mood swings would scare the crap out of a normal person, but it would make a compelling horror movie. Scribble it down and make some cash.

Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.

Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.

Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.

Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.

Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.

Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.

Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.

Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.

Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.

Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.

Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.

Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.

Aries: Aim high for your goals, otherwise you’ll just nick them with that BB gun. You might also need to adjust your sights before you try to bring those goals down.

Taurus: Something amazing will happen at 2:17. You don’t know if it will be night or day, however, so every time 2:17 rolls around, drop everything and listen. You’ll be able to hear yourself making your family crazy.

Gemini: Some days you’re an eagle on the wind; other days, you’re a goose caught in a jet engine. On Tuesday afternoon, flap like you mean it.

Cancer: Every job has its perks. Don’t complain when your desk is moved into the supply closet, rejoice because you’ll never pay for paper clips or toilet paper again.

Leo: If you can’t sleep, that means you’re awake in someone else’s dream. If you wake up next to an armadillo and a jar of jalapeno body butter, that means you should change your meds and lock your windows.

Virgo: You know what’s needed, you just don’t want to admit it. Go ahead, face the truth. If you turn your back to it, truth will always give you a wedgie and slap a “Kick Me” sign on you.

Libra: Your life isn’t full of free beer and Skittles, but occasionally it does have good wine and Godiva chocolate. Hold out for the best, because cheap Bordeaux makes you whiny.

Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.

Sagittarius: You’re terrible at keeping secrets, which is why no one tells you any. On Thursday, though, you hear a doozy. If you can’t keep your lips sealed, post it on MySpace so no one will ever see it.

Capricorn: You’re used to getting the carrot or the stick, but this week you get the kale, and you have no idea what to do. Remember, when in doubt, deep fry it and douse it in ranch dressing. Everything goes down easier that way.

Aquarius: The universe doesn’t give you “A-ha!” moments, but every now and then it will goose you with a “Woo hoo!” Be on the lookout, and hope Karma doesn’t have cold hands.

Pisces: Some people march to the beat of their own drums, but you boogie to an army of pan flutes played by sloths. You have no rhythm, but it’s still better that the music on the radio.

Aries: You reclaim something from your past; could be a lost love, or a million-dollar movie idea from your 8th grade diary. As long as its not that poodle-perm you rocked in the 80s, you’re good.

Taurus: Don’t worry about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Tasers come in tiny lipstick cases now. You can zap the jerks without them ever seeing it coming.

Gemini: Some people have their best years ahead of them because they keep their photo albums on the coffee table. Yours are out the door and down the path less taken. Wear comfy shoes.

Cancer: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the spiked brownies are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.

Leo: If you’re determined to walk around with something up your butt, buy a thong and be done with it. That way, you have no one to blame—or thank—but yourself.

Virgo: You may think you don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but your liquor store receipts and phone records say otherwise. At least get an app to keep yourself from drunk texting your ex and your old gym teacher.

Libra: On Thursday, you’re more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Relax and feel free to strut your stuff, just watch out for someone else’s pointy ends.

Scorpio: For you, happiness has been harder to find than a Kardashian without an Instagram. Practice that duckface, because the universe is about to like your selfie.

Sagittarius: If you let all your stress go, the only thing holding you together is the frayed elastic in your underwear. Buy yourself some new bloomers before you snap.

Capricorn: Friends keep you from being lonely, support you when you’re sad, and also let you see what you would look like if you fell asleep on their couch and had a Victorian mustache drawn on you with a Sharpie. Maybe you should just get a goldfish.

Aquarius: This year you will find love, you will stumble upon fame, and you’ll trip over fortune. Be glad there’s not more coming your way, or all that goodness might put you in a body cast.

Pisces: When the path seems long, feel free to ditch those hiking boots and try out your latest winged flying contraption. You may not make it far, but you’ll entertain dozens of people when you jump off the roof and flap.

Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.

Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.

Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.

Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.

Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.

Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.

Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.

Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.

Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.

Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.

Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.

Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.

Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.

Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.

Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.

Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.

Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.

Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.

Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.

Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.

Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.

Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.

Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.

To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!

Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.

Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.

Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.

Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.

Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.

Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.

Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.

Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.

Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.

Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.

Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.

Pisces:  You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.

Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.

Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.

Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.

Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.

Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.

Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.

Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.

Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.

Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.

Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.

Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.

 

Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines.  Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.

Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.

Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.

Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.

Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.

Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.

Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.

Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.

Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.

Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.

Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.

Pisces:  You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.

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