Aries: You’re a few Cocoa Puffs short of a bowl, but you’re still sweet. Just don’t turn the milk brown when you sit in it or you’ll never be invited back to that day spa again.
Taurus: Get to the heart of the matter and you’ll understand everything. If you’re lucky, you can do it just by pressing an ear against someone’s lovely chest. If not, you’ll have to pry up a few floorboards, Poe-style.
Gemini: If you put your best foot forward, does that mean you have a worst foot? Next time you’re getting a mani/pedi, chip in the cash for both feet so you don’t have to hop to impress. Until then, one flip-flop and one Ugg boot will have to do.
Cancer: Just as you’re getting into your groove, someone scratches the record. The hipsters might panic but you know the old-school tricks, so keep the Scotch tape and quarters handy for a smooth beat.
Leo: It’s fine to keep your eyes on the prize, just remember to glance down occasionally so you know where you’re stepping. There’s a lot of cowpies between you and that shiny goal.
Virgo: Good news: your sex tape ends up a viral video. Bad news: it’s hashtagged as an Epic Fail. Put away the camera while you’re practicing that wild Kama Sutra move; all the footage proves you need better health insurance.
Libra: You could be a multimillionaire by next week if you just had a great idea, a way to market it and the ability to predict the next trend. But hey, putting your belly lint bracelets on Craigslist is a start.
Scorpio: Never ask the universe for wisdom, that only happens when nothing goes your way. Instead, stick your hand up for dumb luck: that’s the airheaded genie who grants wishes.
Sagittarius: High maintenance is not for you on Wednesday. You’re less “Princess and the Pea” and more “Chick with a Brick,” so go ahead and smash some expectations.
Capricorn: Sometimes a good mood is like a sock in a dryer: it was there just a minute ago, and now it’s gone. Don’t worry, socks and moods are easily replaced. Just keep the undies of compassion from shrinking so you don’t end up with a karmic wedgie.
Aquarius: Sometimes you wonder if the Universe is using your life as a drinking game, and The Powers That Be are belting vodka each time you stumble. They’ll pass out at some point so hang in there because your luck will change.
Pisces: You can feel that old fire burning in your breast, but is it passion or just heartburn? Pop an antacid and charge ahead; either way, you’ll be jet-propelled when it works its way through your system.