Aries: Feeling oppressed? You’re not into rainbows, so maybe you’re more 50 Shades of Grey. Next time you’re being held down by the man, ask for a spanking while he’s there. Your freak flag may fly in a whole new direction.
Taurus: Spread your wings on Monday, because you’re ready to fly. Remember, it’s the wings, not the thighs; that path leads you into a bucket of trouble instead of the wild blue sky.
Gemini: Something’s gone horribly, unbelievably right in your life, and now you’re twitchier than an espresso taster. Relax, put away those paranoid binoculars and slip on the rose-colored glasses.
Cancer: Something is not what it seems at your Sunday picnic, but that’s okay. You’re getting plenty of fiber but if you have a few berries with that twig, you may become a full-time vegetarian.
Leo: The next few days will be easy for you, because each of your problems has its moniker tattooed on its rear end, allowing you to kick butt and take names in one easy step.
Virgo: You’ve been contemplating a big decision. The answer is yes, you can pull off a belly ring at your age, as long as no one ever sees it. Do it for yourself, and let it be the weird quirk that freaks out your next drunken hookup.
Libra: No one expects you to be perfect, but they do want you to give it the old college try. If you can’t swing that, at least go for the kindergarten try so you’ll get a cookie after you fail.
Scorpio: Normal is just a setting on the dryer, and if you stay in there too long, your personality shrinks until it gives your brain a wedgie. Go ahead and flap in the breeze; your open mind is just the right fit.
Sagittarius: A dark cloud looms on your horizon. Set up an umbrella over your breakfast table and it won’t get the chance to pee in your Post Toasties, although it still may leave some puddles on your carpet.
Capricorn: Each day is a blessing and each trouble is a present. With any luck, you won’t be blessed with any more gifts on Friday. If you are, demand to see karma’s customer service manager.
Aquarius: You could tackle that thorny problem head on, but it’s easier if you sneak up on it and just goose it so it runs toward someone else. Let them deal with a snorting and mad dilemma with sharp hooves.
Pisces: Things may not be coming up roses, but they’re coming up dandelions, which is almost as good. Roses are pretty, but they make terrible wine.