Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.
Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.
Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.
Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.
Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.
Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.
Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.
Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.
Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.
Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.
Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.
Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.