Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.

Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.

Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.

Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.

Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.

Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.

Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.

Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.

Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.

Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.

Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.

Pisces:  You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.

Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.

Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.

Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.

Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.

Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.

Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.

Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.

Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.

Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.

Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.

Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.

 

Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines.  Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.

Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.

Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.

Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.

Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.

Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.

Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.

Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.

Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.

Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.

Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.

Pisces:  You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.

Aries: To your mind, you’re boasting a hefty lightsaber, but to everyone else, you’re waving around a dollar store glowstick. If you want someone to ooh and aah over your hardware, you need to up the wattage.

Taurus: You’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops lately. If you’re not practicing for America’s Got Talent auditions, someone has tamed your inner tiger. Give ‘em a growl and show the beast within before they dress you in adorable cat outfits.

Gemini: A whisper in the dark can be sweet pillow talk or juicy gossip. Listen to both carefully, because both can give you extra thrills. Only one, though, should go on your SnapChat account.

Cancer: Occasionally life can be a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates. Often, though, it’s a mud puddle. You can jump in it for a moment of joy, sling it at others when you’re mad or get crafty, make some mud bricks and build your own castle. Depends on your ambition.

Leo: You want to see the whole picture, but that much reality can be frightening. Grab some quick peripheral glances. You’ll get the gist, and give the world some great side-eye to boot.

Virgo: No one expects greatness from you, but they would appreciate it if you changed your underwear occasionally and quit feeding Cheetos to the dog. You’ll show them you can be a better person, and everyone will be happier without those knee-high orange dust farts.

Libra: Your family wants you to walk the path not taken, but you know better. Take the high road, and you can spot all the creepy clowns in the woods below. A paintball gun might be handy too. Just saying.

Scorpio: When you feel like a raisin in a sea of chocolate chips, remember that they melt at the first sign of heat, but you remain hard and inedible. You’re one tough cookie.

Sagittarius: The spoils go to the winners, but the losers have more fun. Probably because they have more time on their hands, and they know where all the booze is hidden. Forget the gold for a while; de-stress and find some good loser friends this weekend.

Capricorn: In each life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about a hailstorm of haddock. Leave it to you to have an original disaster. At least the pictures will be worth something later.

Aquarius: You can shine bright like a diamond, or hide in the dark like a Lego on the floor. Either way, you’ll get some attention and a few screams.

Pisces: You’ve been trying to fly high toward your goal, and boy, are your arms tired. Hitch a ride on a passing eagle and take the easy flight for a while. You’ve earned it.

Aries: Be the thing no one expects, like a dozen Legos scattered across the carpet. You’ll have people hopping and screaming in the middle of the night.

Taurus: Monday will be the best of times and the worst of times, and that’s just the first couple of hours before lunch. Pack extra undies, because it’s going to be a long drama llama day.

Gemini: Life is good, so go ahead and sing like a room full of parrots with Adele on Spotify. If you belt out those tunes loud enough, bad luck will hold its ears and run the other direction.

Cancer: The world is your oyster, so laugh at those telling you to shuck it. The longer you keep it happy and fed, the bigger your pearl will be. That’s homegrown bling.

Leo: You’re a supervillain in a world filled with henchmen. Just tell them what to do and provide free uniforms; world domination usually hinges on good employment benefits.

Virgo: Sometimes you don’t need all the answers, you only need a hefty Magic 8-Ball and a good throwing arm. If your problems don’t duck, a dent in the head will make their future fuzzy.

Libra: Thursday will gnaw at your pants leg like an enthusiastic ferret. Don’t ignore it, or it will do much worse things on Friday.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to write you off like you’re a minor character in an Adam Sandler movie. Balance your resume with some thoughtful roles or you’ll never be heard from again, except for late-night reruns when there’s no ballgame to watch.

Sagittarius: Spread your wings and fly, just wait until you get outside to do it. Otherwise, your grandmother will be pissed that you’ve knocked over and broken most of her “Golden Girls” figurines.

Capricorn: You can’t judge a book by its cover. Unless it’s a blank journal, then the cover’s pretty important. You still have to write all the words, though. Uncork your deepest thoughts on life, the universe and your favorite ‘Scooby Doo’ character.

Aquarius: Arguing with your boss is like tying a bikini on a goldfish: it doesn’t do anything, and you’re going to end up with more knots than you need. Let him splash aimlessly in his opinions and stand clear so you’re not the one who ends up all wet.

Pisces: Embrace life on Friday. It needs a good hug, and you can surreptitiously go through its pockets while making it feel good at the same time. Hey, not all hugs are free; good ones can cost five bucks and half a pack of Rolaids.

Aries:  You’re a wild combination of good deeds and dirty thoughts this week. Feel free to help an old lady across the street, just don’t let her see that battery-operated rocket in your pocket. You might get more than you bargained for.

Taurus: Tuesday is a fantastic day if you want to get things done. If you don’t? Too bad. Pick up a mop and a barrel of bleach, because your room looks like a Jackson Pollack painting under a blacklight.

Gemini: If the future looks bright, it probably means a meteor hit it. Now is no time to be a dinosaur; evolve fast into something with wings so you can soar above the impact zone. Perhaps a cutting-edge eagle who knows how to fix wi-fi.

Cancer: Everyone agrees you’re awesome, so quit kicking your own butt and get on the bandwagon.  The seats are upholstered and fluffy, so your tushie won’t suffer.

Leo: Not everything needs to be fixed. Some times a situation isn’t broken, it’s just bent a little. Give it some room and it will spring back to shape without your screwdriver in it.

Virgo: The universe works in mysterious ways, but it also loves a good romance, too. Make yours one of those pop-up picture books and karma will provide the perfect character for your kinky story.

Libra: You are a sunset, you are a cloud, you are the wind. You also may have accidentally taken your mother-in-law’s happy meds at the family reunion. Ask your loved ones to tie a string to your ankle. They’ll either keep you grounded or fly you like a kite.

Scorpio: Love doesn’t judge. Your neighbors do, though, so ask the circus performers to put something on before they do the walk of shame out of your house on Monday morning.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you’re like a cat riding a Roomba: you don’t care what you’re wearing or where you’re going, as long as someone else is driving. Break out the shark costume and you could go viral.

Capricorn: Your boss has some peculiar ideas, and it falls to you to straighten her out. The world isn’t ready for 3-D printed pizza, no matter how much cheese you put on the plastic pepperoni.

Aquarius: You like a place for everything and everything in its place but you can’t put Baby in a corner. Seriously, did you learn nothing from Patrick Swayze in the 1980s?

Pisces: You’ve got the skill, but you need to dig deep and unearth it. If you can’t find a shovel, grab a spoon and start tunneling. Financial freedom and independence isn’t that far away.

Aries: If wishes were horses, they would really mess up your carpet. Wishes are actually helium balloons someone has rubbed against their leg and attached to your head. When you’re annoyed enough, you’ll finally work to make them come true.

Taurus: You can wait for good things to come to you, or you can find out where all the good things are made and get hired. The employee discount is awesome if you don’t mind occasionally dinged opportunities.

Gemini: Wednesday should be savored slowly. If you try to gobble it down fast, it will burn you like a microwaved burrito and you’ll look like a pug with its tongue hanging out for the rest of the week.

Cancer: To some, the glass is half-full, others see it as half-empty. You just want to know why there’s water in your glass instead of whiskey. Call over the waiter and get that straightened out.

Leo: That crazy plan of yours? Don’t try it until Friday and even then, wear thick gloves. Jalapeno jam and fake fur is very hard to wash off but it’s such a good look for your boss.

Virgo: There’s no stopping you, which means you may slam into your next opportunity instead of slowing down and cruising past. Thank goodness for karmic air bags.

Libra: You don’t have a lust for success, but you wouldn’t mind seeing it dance in glitter and a g-string. Maybe a lap dance with a better attitude will make your interest rise.

Scorpio: You can be born to greatness, or just find it at a flea market and sell it on eBay. It didn’t fit you anyway, and you’d rather have the money for a new 50-inch TV.

Sagittarius: Feeling fidgety and feverish? Have yourself checked for butt monkeys. They’re more dangerous than the Zika virus, because Zika can’t crawl out and trash your house while you sleep.

Capricorn: From small seeds, great things can grow and bloom, but they really shouldn’t be growing in the shower stall. Clean that bathroom grout before the greenery turns into Seymour.

Aquarius: If you love something, set it free, especially if it’s a relationship partner who eats your pizza and watches YouTube videos all day. Sometimes setting something free means dropping it off at its parents’ house and changing your locks.

Pisces: Life is like toilet paper: when you’re used to it rough, experiencing something soft and luxurious blows your mind. Get used to it, because your brand is changing to something much cushier on the tush.

Aries: Your brain wants full speed ahead, but your tush keeps going backward and two steps to the left toward the couch. Get everything in gear and going the same direction, and you’ll win the day. Or at least make it to the mailbox.

Taurus: Don’t be intimidated by angry birds. There are far worse things you can imagine, like vengeful birds who just had a full lunch and spot your freshly washed car.

Gemini: Progress feels slow, but you look like a speeding jackrabbit to someone on the outside. Once you hop over the finish line, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

Cancer: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both because they’re in a clearance bin at Walmart. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how to use 20 pounds of slightly iffy margarine.

Leo: Fighting the universe is like playing Twister with an octopus. Sooner or later, you’re going to get all tangled up. Relax, do some stretches, and take each turn as it comes.

Virgo: Sure, you’re good enough to go pro in the Paper Airplane League, but are you positive you want to leave behind all those accounting groupies who just want you to fill in their spreadsheets? Tough choice.

Libra: The road of life always has a few bumps. Those you can deal with, it’s the washed out bridge, the sinkhole, the chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers and the spiked speed strips you have to watch out for. You can do it, you’re a master of Mario Kart.

Scorpio: You’re a tuba player in Karma’s marching band on Wednesday: full of sass and air. Swing that swag and show off your moves. There could be a tuba scout in the audience waiting to catch the next big star.

Sagittarius: On Monday, you’re less “Flight of the Bumblebees” and more “Rolling of the Dung Beetles.” At least you can pack all the crap your job throws at you into one tight ball.

Capricorn: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re all glued to Pokemon Go right now. The only way you’ll get attention is by prancing naked with a Snorlax painted on your belly. Sometimes you don’t want to catch them all.

Aquarius: You see an opportunity, but it doesn’t see you. Walk up to it, take its glasses off, clean them and give them back. That should make a first impression, unless it screams and blasts you with pepper spray.

Pisces: Your head is always in the clouds, which explains why your neck is so stiff and achy. Do something different; stretch out on the grass and watch the clouds roll by. They’ll be grateful to not get caught in your eyebrows for a while.

Aries: Beware of bearers of bad news, and double your caution if they’re actual bears. It’s summer, and they’re just finding an excuse to eat you and take over your swimming pool.

Taurus: Life isn’t as bad as you think. It’s probably worse, but as long as you keep those rose-colored glasses duct-taped to your head, you’re good. Go out and enjoy yourself.

Gemini: Hearts and rainbows light up your path, and grateful peasants litter your lap with flower petals and cash this week, all because you make a great cup of coffee. Keep it up and you’ll have everyone under your caffeinated thumb.

Cancer: Others may be afraid of screams in the dark, but not you. You’re the one who scattered Legos across the floor so the bogeyman couldn’t get to you. Sleep sound, because you’re the one all creepy things tiptoe around.

Leo: You are a lighthouse in the fog of co-workers’ confusion. Shining brightly is well and good, but expect several ships crashing on the rocks while you go on vacation. Perhaps you can leave a disco ball in your place so they can admire something shiny while you’re gone.

Virgo: The greatest gift isn’t someone having your baby, it’s letting that person sleep in occasionally after they have your baby. Break out the Wiggles DVDs and Froot Loops if needed.

Libra: Sometimes progress is a slow march through the swamp, and other times it’s a high-stepping run because there’s a mad bull behind you. Thursday will be a mix of both, so wear waterproof socks and your best running shoes.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about fighting fair on Friday; it’s not the whole fair you must triumph over, just a few selected carnies and that guy who runs the batting cage. Throw corn dogs past your foes to distract them, and make a break for it.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs a little help sometimes, so quit biting that hand in front of you before it slaps your face off. Karma’s kindness has a strict limit on patience.

Capricorn: You can soar like an eagle, or waddle about like a penguin. Either way, you’re popular on the Internet. If only you could turn those likes and shares into rent money.

Aquarius: Nothing says “success” like a great ride, winning smile and a level 20 profile on Pokemon Go. If you can’t swing any of those, offer to buy the beer while your friends chase some Zubats.

Pisces: When the universe offers you too many options, you freeze in indecision. Thaw your mind and pick a card, any card. Karma will make the trick work in your favor, and all will be amazed.

Aries: You’re feeling more conspicuous than a Taylor Swift fan at a Kanye West concert. Instead of blending in, proudly stand out. If someone gives you a hard time, just write a song about them and collect your millions.

Taurus: The heart wants what it wants, but it’s just like a toddler; sometimes you must tell it ‘No.’ Especially if you don’t want it to blow up after a truckload of ice cream and bacon.

Gemini: You see a chance to improve yourself, and that’s good. Not every remodeling job requires a chain saw and Thor’s hammer.  Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Cancer: Sometimes when you think you’re meant for better things, it just means you get to work the register instead of the grill. Buck up and ask the universe for a promotion. You’ll still work hard, but you might get a tie and a few days of vacation.

Leo: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but then again, the Romans didn’t have you around. Slow your roll and take time with your empire. You want something to last longer than a Jenga tower of Styrofoam.

Virgo: The coast is clear, and no one suspects you. Time to whip off those underwear and make a beeline for the copier. Those end-of-quarter reports will never be the same again.

Libra: The time to wear a bikini is 2:44 p.m. on Thursday. It’s great if you’re at the beach, but even better if you’re at the office. Those disciplinary hearings are always a hoot when they’re trying to avoid your hooters.

Scorpio: Forget the song; life isn’t a cabaret. It’s more of a family circus, but with corn dogs and crying. Slap on that ringmaster’s hat and tame those wild offspring. The crowd will be amazed.

Sagittarius: You are praised, you are heroic, and you are untouchable. Everyone will be kind and thoughtful around you and do your bidding because you control the wi-fi. It’s good to be the king.

Capricorn: Karma’s got you covered this week. The wind will be at your back when you’re trying to get somewhere, and the breeze blows the other way when you have to fart.

Aquarius: If you wake up and the world is a beautiful place, it means you fell asleep with your VR goggles on again. Take them off, because life isn’t perfect, but it can be really funny if you know where to drop the banana peel.

Pisces: You’re moving forward so slowly, a snail is doing laps around you. Keep going; that braggy slug can’t keep up his frantic pace for long.

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