Aries: An idea rings a bell with you on Monday. Listen to it before it digs up a tuba and blasts you out of your chair. Good thing you don’t have ideas often, or you’d be followed around by a marching band.
Taurus: Happiness is fleeting because you haven’t figured out how to set the right trap. Try digging a pit and covering it in birdseed. If it’s good enough for Wile E. Coyote, it’s good enough for you.
Gemini: Forget knowing all the answers to life’s questions. These days, you just need to know all your passwords. Better take your Gingko Biloba, or you’ll never remember the name of the parakeet you had in 5th grade and your email will be lost forever.
Cancer: Go ahead and do your happy dance, because Thursday brings the right beat. Everyone will be thrilled at your news, and even more tickled they don’t have to witness your sad Electric Slide anymore.
Leo: Knowing is believing, but believing is believing, too. Have faith in yourself and you’ll do mighty things. Most of them are weird and possibly immoral, but you’ll still accomplish something.
Virgo: Friday floats in like a pretty, pretty princess, but if you look under those layers of silk and crinoline, you’ll find some strong lumberjack plaid. You’ll also get your face slapped.
Libra: Everyone’s doing the warrior pose, and you’re still trying to figure out how to put on your yoga pants. Get some help, or your downward dog will inspire a lot of interesting Instagram shots.
Scorpio: Your spirits are high as a kite; keep your good mood in wide, open spaces or you’ll be tangled up in someone else’s tree. Charlie Brown’s got nothing on you, kid.
Sagittarius: Avoid hipsters with beards trimmed to look like octopuses. There’s no cosmic reason why, it’s just common sense, really. No one needs that much smugness in their day.
Capricorn: You want to stop and smell the roses, but you’re total crap at identifying plants. Just scratch and sniff a perfume sample before you tumble into a human-sized Venus Flytrap.
Aquarius: Great things are within your grasp. This is excellent news if you’re Elastic Man, not so wonderful if you’re a T-Rex. Buy one of those shelf grabber claws; your dreams—and the cookies—will finally be within reach.
Pisces: The only way you’ll walk in grace is if she trips and falls down in front of you. Wear your glasses so you can help her up instead of leaving footprints across her back. Maybe you two can lock arms and help each other across the street so neither one of you is flattened by a VW beetle.