Aries: You need some “me” time, but even you don’t want to be with you right now. Do something that requires no soul-searching or self-reflection, like politics or hosting a talk show. That will give you some space from yourself.
Taurus: Every snowflake is different, but that doesn’t mean it’s beautiful. So-called perfection is high maintenance, so spend some time with the weird and goofy-looking snowflakes. They’re more fun, and they don’t stare into the mirror as much.
Gemini: It’s fine being a social butterfly, but you just flew in from Albuquerque, and boy are your wings tired. Take a break from being everyone’s friend and ground yourself in your own reality for a few days. Your wings could use the rest.
Cancer: The brightest stars are the ones who catch our attention, but only because they flame out in a superhot ball of gas. Pull back on the drama, and your light will last longer.
Leo: You always want to be the hare instead of the turtle in the race, but that doesn’t pay off. Slow your butt down and enjoy the pace, otherwise the turtle may have you kneecapped.
Virgo: Yes, it’s finally spring, but you don’t need to pull out that tube top and thong combo just yet. Your skin is so day-glow white, you could be used to guide blind people around instead of a cane. Take it back a notch, because not even the unsighted should be exposed to those butt cheeks.
Libra: Each day is a new adventure, which is far less pleasant than it sounds. Once you escape the screaming band of natives and the giant rolling ball, consider spending some time under your bed. Dust bunnies are much easier to conquer.
Scorpio: The universe will take a chance on you this Friday. Play your cards right and you could own Park Place. At the very least, you’ll collect $200 and pass Go.
Sagittarius: Life isn’t always a flaming bag of dog crap left on your porch. Tomorrow’s bag won’t be on fire, so take a peek inside before you stomp it out of habit. You could be pleasantly surprised and crap-free.
Capricorn: In every life some rain must fall, but who says it has to be water? You could end up with frogs, locusts or worms. No matter what comes down on your head, you’ll make a few bucks if you open up a bait stand.
Aquarius: Finding your true worth is as easy as counting up the change behind the sofa cushions. If you’re lucky, you’re worth at least a couple of Sacajawea dollars and a handful of lint-ridden Skittles.
Pisces: If you argued with as many people in real life as you do in your head, you’d be a complete badass. Use those skills to stand up for something, even if it’s just sending back the wrong restaurant order.