Aries: Aim high for your goals, otherwise you’ll just nick them with that BB gun. You might also need to adjust your sights before you try to bring those goals down.
Taurus: Something amazing will happen at 2:17. You don’t know if it will be night or day, however, so every time 2:17 rolls around, drop everything and listen. You’ll be able to hear yourself making your family crazy.
Gemini: Some days you’re an eagle on the wind; other days, you’re a goose caught in a jet engine. On Tuesday afternoon, flap like you mean it.
Cancer: Every job has its perks. Don’t complain when your desk is moved into the supply closet, rejoice because you’ll never pay for paper clips or toilet paper again.
Leo: If you can’t sleep, that means you’re awake in someone else’s dream. If you wake up next to an armadillo and a jar of jalapeno body butter, that means you should change your meds and lock your windows.
Virgo: You know what’s needed, you just don’t want to admit it. Go ahead, face the truth. If you turn your back to it, truth will always give you a wedgie and slap a “Kick Me” sign on you.
Libra: Your life isn’t full of free beer and Skittles, but occasionally it does have good wine and Godiva chocolate. Hold out for the best, because cheap Bordeaux makes you whiny.
Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.
Sagittarius: You’re terrible at keeping secrets, which is why no one tells you any. On Thursday, though, you hear a doozy. If you can’t keep your lips sealed, post it on MySpace so no one will ever see it.
Capricorn: You’re used to getting the carrot or the stick, but this week you get the kale, and you have no idea what to do. Remember, when in doubt, deep fry it and douse it in ranch dressing. Everything goes down easier that way.
Aquarius: The universe doesn’t give you “A-ha!” moments, but every now and then it will goose you with a “Woo hoo!” Be on the lookout, and hope Karma doesn’t have cold hands.
Pisces: Some people march to the beat of their own drums, but you boogie to an army of pan flutes played by sloths. You have no rhythm, but it’s still better that the music on the radio.