Flickr/Spencer Wright

Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are worse places to grab, and you’ll find out about those on Wednesday night. If you don’t like it, give ’em a karate chop on the snout.

Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.

Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so the E! Channel won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.

Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted a second longer than a bag of donuts at a parent/teacher conference meeting.  That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable carrot sticks on the refreshment table.

Libra: You want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing your cat in a bustier: nothing is in the right place. Work on your motivation and give kitty the day off.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.

Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, unlike the box of wine you drain as soon as your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!

Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. Could be a new job, or could be in Vegas, singing Ed Sheeran songs and pulling singles out of your underwear.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.

Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.

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