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Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2015 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweat pants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.


Aries: Your guilt squishes you down like a bacon press into a hot pan. Make amends for your wrongheadedness before you start to pop and sizzle in a pool of fat and regret.

Taurus: You want to be a better person, if only it didn’t take so much actual work. Give a cheer if you have the energy, because a shortcut to sainthood will pop up on Friday. Take it and you’ll be someone’s  hero of the day.

Gemini: There’s an entire world outside your own head, so quit pacing in your brain’s living room and get some exercise. But take a jacket, it’s chilly out there.

Cancer: You feel like a pretty, pretty princess. The universe doesn’t care whether you’re a lumberjack or ballerina, so slap on that tiara, fluff out that ball gown and work it, honey.

Leo: Some days open like a budding flower, others snap like a cranky crocodile. Practice those fast reactions and stay on your toes, or you could lose a few.

Virgo: Everything isn’t always about you; sometimes it’s just slightly about you. The only thing that would make staring into your belly button more exciting is if there’s a webcam embedded in it. You may not be the lead actor in the play today but you’ll probably steal the show anyway.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drums, but you skip along to the sound of a mad hornet caught in a soda can. Keep it up, because sometimes rhythm is overrated.

Scorpio: You can look for the beauty in each moment, but you’re likely to end up with a bunch of pimply, irregular minutes in your day. Gloss them over with a great attitude, some pancake makeup and a three-martini lunch. Everything looks better after that.

Sagittarius: No one’s asking you to be the best, because they know you too well. Try to keep your body parts attached, the car upright and the house in one piece, and you can consider yourself a success.

Capricorn: It would be easier to let a little light into your life if you didn’t have the shades duct-taped to the wall. Make the tiniest effort toward hope and the universe will be so surprised, it will reward you.

Aquarius: Shake up your routine and adopt a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome. Not only will you be a pet rescuer, the P.T.O. meetings will never be boring again.

Pisces: Rise to the occasion on Wednesday and face the storm front. You’ll find out most storms are just gusts of hot air and short bursts of crocodile tears. This one will pass so fast, Jim Cantore wouldn’t even put on a windbreaker for it.

Photo credit: Helga Weber:

Aries: Forget the frying pan and the fire; you’ve jumped straight into the microwave. Hold that door and backtrack your way out, or you’ll explode like a five-minute burrito.

Taurus: A pack of wild garden gnomes steal all your underwear, and use them to sail their Viking bird bath flotilla to conquer an all-girls summer camp. You will be contacted in the official police inquiry.

Gemini: Your relationship with a particularly robust carrot will result in some time on the therapist’s couch discussing your mother. Remember, you can love to garden, but you shouldn’t love what’s in your garden. Or, at least, not THAT much.

Cancer: Tuesday sings with fairy wings, but it makes an ‘Zzzt!’ sound when it hits the bug zapper. Maybe you should dial down the power before your whole weekend gets stuck in there.

Leo: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: slap ‘em on the Internet for $39.95 and the suckers, er, followers, will line up.

Virgo: There’s a 20 percent chance you’ll win the lottery by hooking up a Ouija board to a Magic Fingers bed for the winning numbers, but a 90 percent chance you’ll be sued by a psychic representing a ghost suffering from shaken spirit syndrome. Better stay home.

Libra: Good news! You find a pair of clean socks in the back of the drawer. Bad news: After you slip them on, you suddenly realize where that mouse met its maker.

Scorpio: You’re filled with chutzpah and panache, but don’t worry, a few doses of heavy-duty cough syrup will clear that right out. Try to get the old-school kind with alcohol; it makes your co-workers much more interesting.

Sagittarius: There are many ways to win your sweetie’s heart: making a bust of them from Nacho Cheese Doritos and fudge is not one of them. Undoing your recent mistake will involve sparkly jewelry not found in a cereal box.

Capricorn: You can lead, follow, get out of the way, or open up a fried ice cream stand and sell tasty treats to all the suckers still standing in line. That way, you’re the one parting the fools and their cash.

Aquarius: The powers of the universe are mighty: they can sweep the stars or scrawl on your Facebook page. If you see a message from karma, do what it says or you could be up to your zamboni in zombie fingers.

Pisces: You’re feeling silly, but don’t apologize for that. Many important people have been silly, they just haven’t had the manners to admit it. When the nightcrawlers who say ‘ni’ show up at your door, invite them in for tea.

Life is a reality show for the preening Lion; a Leo’s only other wish is to have a crowd following the cameras so he can reap the immediate benefits of adoring applause and a Leo cranked up to full energy makes Snooki look like a shy Oompa-Loompa. This sign wants all eyes on him, even if he has to staple those peepers to his skin one set at a time.  While a Leo will happily spend several  hours in front of a mirror, there’s little time for self-reflection. Quiet, meditative moments are rare, so if you spot one, post it in your scrapbook next to that text message from Bigfoot.

A Leo loves a good argument, especially if he wins. And he always wins, even if it means some mystifying steps through the Glenn Beck school of logic. If you’ve ever lost a match with a Leo over an overdrawn bank account and his final quip involved the Titanic, an old banjo and the ending of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ you’re in good company.  Generous and passionate, he will give you the shirt off his back and post the clip to YouTube later. He won’t just bring you a dozen roses, he’ll have a garden planted in your honor and when the blooms pop up, they’ll spell out your name.  Life with a Leo may be frustrating, dazzling and confusing, but it is never dull.

Right here, right now: Wisecrack Zodiac for the week of Sept. 16! Read the rest of this entry »

Are you ready to rumble with the stars? Let’s get into this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac! Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac! Do the stars have a hand in your destiny, and did they wash it first?

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When it comes to bellybuttons of the universe, Cancer is definitely an ‘innie.’ Read the rest of this entry »

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