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Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.

Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.

Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.

Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.

Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.

Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.

Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.

Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.

Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.

Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.

Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something  doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.

Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.



Aries: You’ve been in over your head so long, you could be a stunt double for The Shape of Water. No man is an island, but that one on your right looks sturdy enough to climb on for a while. Make some small talk until your fingers quit being pruny.

Taurus: Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.

Gemini: Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming “intervention.” Next time, don’t ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead.

Cancer: You may feel fit as a fiddle, but from the back you resemble a double bass. Head to the gym for a musical workout if you want someone to pluck your strings again.

Leo: Relax. It isn’t your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what’s new on Hulu.

Virgo: On Thursday, you stand out more than a game of Where’s Waldo at a nudist colony. Give up that woolly hat and pinch some color on all four of your cheeks if you want to fit in.

Libra: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.

Scorpio: It takes a big person to admit they’re wrong, but you’re still shopping in the juniors department. Slide over to the clearance rank and look for a large apology, because you have some growing to do.

Sagittarius: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.

Capricorn: You finally have the chance to show the world what you’re made of! Hopefully it’s not Cheetos, Real Housewives specials and laughing at your mailman’s ‘Dora the Explorer’ socks.

Aquarius: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Dollar Jell-O Shots night at your fave club. Their hangover will make your news seem small.

Pisces: After years of reaching for the stars, a wild meteor swings down to offer you a ride. It may turn out to be a UFO, but hop on anyway. Those aliens throw some amazing parties.

Aries: Some blessings come in disguise, but you can’t get past that trench coat and big fuzzy wig. Roll with the weirdness, and karma will make it worth your time in spite of the fake mustache.

Taurus: You aren’t hiding your light under a bushel, but you do have it socked away in your blanket fort. Tear down those poly-cotton blend walls and shine; your sweetie wants the comforter back on the bed anyway.

Gemini: You didn’t ask to be this awesome, you just woke up one day and it happened. Remember, if you’re kind to everyone on your way up the ladder, they won’t set fire to your pants leg on the way back down.

Cancer: Some jump from the frying pan into the fire, but you bounced off the stove, hit the kitchen counter and landed in a dish of brownies. This week, you have all the tasty, chocolate luck.

Leo: This situation isn’t three-dimensional chess, it’s more like Chutes and Ladders. Stop over-thinking it. Once you finally have a Clue, you’ll win the game.

Virgo: Watch your tongue on Friday. Fat-bottomed girls may not actually make the world go round, but they can knock you out of orbit if you make remarks about their personal gravity.

Libra: Even if you’re the cream of the crop, you’re still giving canned answers. Think up something fresh for your next big meeting or you’ll be tossed into the casserole with the rest of the creamed corn.

 Scorpio: Feel that tingle in the air? Something magical is in the air or you’ve just been struck by lightning. With either one, you’re probably going to be on TV. You might want to fix your smoldering hair.

Sagittarius: Your personal mojo is strong on Tuesday. Go ahead, wear that daring new outfit. If anyone can pull off polka dots, feathers and suede, it’s you. Expect gasps, double-takes, and a few puzzled looks.

Capricorn: The rest of the world is dancing to the beat, yet you have the “Full House” theme song stuck on your personal jukebox. Time to update your tunes, before you go completely bonkers.

Aquarius: You can attract more flies with honey, but that just sounds like a sticky, buzzing mess. Grab your net and go after bigger game, like that uniform-wearing hottie who’s asking you why you’re running and squealing through the butterfly habitat.

Pisces: Life doesn’t give you lemons, you have to earn them. Be prepared to jump like Mario to score that fruit; soon you’ll level up and create a lemon drop cocktail even Princess Peach can appreciate.

Aries: Slow your roll, and put the brakes on that biscuit as well. Take a time out from baking for a little while. If you want to see something rise, watch the news while measuring your blood pressure.

Taurus: You have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that thing living under your bed. Be brave and call it out, before it eats the rest of your socks and starts toe-nibbling.

Gemini: You’ve worked hard to get where you are, but someone’s always riding your back. Tell them if they’re going to stay up there, they can give you a shoulder rub and fix your hair.

Cancer: Appreciate the small things in life, like flowers blooming, birds singing, and your paycheck. Maybe if you dump enough manure on your boss, that check will grow, too.

Leo: Your roar is legendary, but no one hears you purr anymore. Claw your way to a happy place this weekend and give it a try. You’ll sound like a city bus stuck in a garbage disposal, but you’ll get better with practice.

Virgo: The Loch Ness Monster, an elf and Bigfoot are all elusive, but they’re easier to find than your dignity after what you did Saturday night. Take a bow and lay low for a few weekends, at least until someone power-washes the piano.

Libra: Some take the road less traveled, but you’re done with hiking after that poison ivy incident. It’s okay, take that hot air balloon. You’ll see sights far and above what the regular people experience, and you’ll remind them of it every chance you get.

Scorpio: You’re over-thinking a problem. It’s not rocket science, just a few firecrackers wrapped up in a baloney omelet. Defuse it, and you won’t end up with egg on your face.

Sagittarius: All work and no play makes you more tightly wound than a broken clock. Know why angels dance on the head of a pin? It’s a tiny disco ball. Find some fun this weekend and bring the angels along for the ride.

Capricorn: Your life moves faster than a fidget spinner, but eventually you’ll slow down and go out of style. Update yourself with a gimmick that lasts: star in a video with baby sloths. That will keep your cred going for months.

Aquarius: Tomorrow’s a new day, and you won’t even need the receipt. Send in that warranty card, though; Karma’s mailing list offers lots of cool prizes. Cross your fingers for that flying car.

Pisces: You may be under the weather, but don’t worry. Your submarine is stocked with frozen pizzas, beer and wifi. While the storm rages above, you’re comfy with new seasons of Queer Eye and The Bachelor until it’s time for smooth sailing again.

Aries: From a tiny acorn, a might oak will grow. Hide under some leaves until you take root, and watch for squirrels. With luck, you’ll be reaching for the sky or end up as a lovely end table at the crafters market.

Taurus: Watch out for strange ferrets bearing gifts. They never guess your right size, and they always forget the receipt.

Gemini: The people who say “no pain, no gain” must have stock in the ibuprofen industry. Quit smashing yourself over the head with that giant hammer and things will clear up.

Cancer: Look at the person on your left. They have a secret. Tickle them until they spill it, so you both have something awkward to bond over during the day.

Leo: Success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but who wants a cracked, beat-up achievement? Seek out something twisted instead. That’s more your speed.

Virgo: Tough times call for tough people, but mix in some kindness. After you lay down the law, tuck it in with a teddy bear and a nice bedtime story.

Libra: It’s fine to watch the new 50 Shades movie together, but try that thing with the spoon and you can forget any forking for a while. Your honey might like that spatula trick from the racy romance novel The List, though.

Scorpio: You’ve always gotten by on the sweat of your brow and the skin of your teeth, so a good facial and dental appointment are really in order. Treat yourself, and let your personality do the heavy lifting for a while.

Sagittarius: Every day, you take one step forward, two steps back. You may not make progress, but your dance moves are improving. Throw some hip action into your routine tomorrow.

Capricorn: Things are tense with your boss, but you can make it better with your famous Chocolate Drizzle Fudge Cake. This time, leave out the Ex-Lax, and your week will be much smoother.

Aquarius: Excitement awaits you on Friday, but why make it stand outside in the cold? Invite it in for some cocoa on Thursday while you find the perfect outfit in your closet for bikini bowling in the snow.

Pisces: New opportunities are like cats: they’re never where you expect them to be, and they will knock stuff off your table if you ignore them. Give them your full attention this week.

Photo by john paul tyrone  fernandez from Pexels


I started Wisecrack Zodiac in 2008, and it’s been the little blog that could for ten years! To celebrate, here’s one of the first horoscope columns from February 2008. It’s a bit of retro fun for you all. Thanks for reading and following! Here’s to the next ten years!

Aries: If you keep looking under rocks for love, you won’t find anything that will survive in sunlight.  Stand up, wash the mud off and take a walk. Cupid hits you when you least expect it, far away from naughty newts.

Taurus: Time to update your worldview; even Henry VIII would call you old-fashioned. Open a window to your mind and be patient: it takes time for all that dust and mildew to clear out.

Gemini: This week, you’re the angel of inspiration, spreading great ideas far and wide. Take a few for yourself, so when you feel the devil of distraction tapping on your shoulder, you can ignore his Facebook game invites.

Cancer: You need to go out dancing this weekend, but you’re wound too tight. If you shake your groove thang, you’ll pop a cog. Loosen up with a few disco moves by the photocopier. With luck, the boss will ask you to start your weekend early.

Leo: Music soothes the savage breast, but nothing can tame that vicious tushie of yours. Pull those leather pants out of the closet and strut your stuff on Tuesday.

Virgo: You’re feeling finer than frog hair on Thursday, and nothing can stop you. Still, slow down with the attitude around your sweetie, or you’ll be toad off.

Libra: Decisions can be hard, but it’s much easier if you pin “yes” and “no” tags on your kids, wait until they wrestle, and tell them the winner gets a new Lego set. Take that, Magic 8-Ball.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to be the brussel sprouts to your steak, and that won’t work. Tell them to either find a nice tofu to love, or step up and become the baked potato of your dreams. Extra points for sour cream and butter.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the clothes pin, other days you’re the wire, but on Friday you’re the extra large granny panties blowing in the wind. Find out who’s hanging you out to dry and snap their elastic.

Capricorn: Usually you’re sugar and spice and everything nice, but this week you’re packing some extra cayenne and habanero. If your coworkers try to bite off more than they can chew, you’ll make their eyes water.

Aquarius: As a water sign, you know your way around the pool. It’s time to get out and try something new on Saturday, though, because you’re all pruny and you need to find your land legs again.

Pisces: The world isn’t fair, and you’ve kept the receipts. Time to throw out that extra mental paperwork. The universe is asking you to trust it, so let go and fall back into its arms. After the team-building, there will be a buffet.


Aries: You can fly like an eagle, or crap on cars like a pigeon. One is a lofty goal, but the other means you’ll always be entertained. Plus, you can steal tacos from picnics, so that’s a double win.

Taurus: A watched pot never boils, but no one needs to watch you; your highest speed is a low simmer. Crank up the heat on Saturday and steam up some kitchen windows.

Gemini: An opportunity on Thursday doesn’t look like much, but it’s the inside that counts. The sweet, gold-layered, jackpot inside. Sometimes the best rewards wear the ugliest clothes.

Cancer: You know what you want, now how are you going to get it? Forget all those crazy plans and go with something reliable, like a trained ferret, a walkie-talkie and a six-foot-tall bag of cheddar flavored popcorn.

Leo: Being the center of attention is your natural state, but this Tuesday you’ll get better reception if you step two feet to the left. It’s okay, the lighting is better there and you’ll look even more awesome.

Virgo: On Monday, your life is indeed like a box of chocolates. Every time you grab a new piece, someone’s thumb has already been inside. Go ahead and enjoy it anyway; at least you’re smart enough to not eat the Tide pods.

Libra: You’re so used to taking one step forward and two steps back, that’s how you walk now. It’s handy for dance moves, but makes crossing the street a challenge. Find a Boy Scout to spot you for the next few days.

Scorpio: Not every challenge requires you to suit up and charge at it. Sometimes you need to slide into someone’s messages and charm your way past. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and polish up that chain mail.

Sagittarius: You may be bored at home, but if you visit the cathouse, you’ll spend a long, cold time in the doghouse. Behave yourself, or sweetie may break out that shock collar again.

Capricorn: Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Chickens hate to miss out on math problems, it’s one of their favorite hobbies aside from chasing you around the barnyard. After they’re hatched, though, feel free to ask them to do your taxes.

Aquarius: Some situations come down to a roll of the dice, but forget Vegas; your future is being determined by a group of D&D players. Throw the karmic dungeonmaster off his game by rescuing the dragon. You’ll blow the Universe’s nerdy mind.

Pisces: Fear is like a cloud of bloodthirsty mosquitoes, draining you and making you itchy. Time to break out the bug spray and head for higher ground. It’s amazing what you’ll accomplish without that constant buzzing around your head.


Aries: You’re not the type to sulk, but your toes are swollen from kicking all the furniture. Go ahead and admit you’re wrong before you get rug burn on that pouty bottom lip. Apology is good for the soul and better for your injured body parts.

Taurus: There’s no time like the present to accomplish your goal, unless you have a time machine. If so, you have all the time you want and the ultimate project to take on Shark Tank. Hello, money!

Gemini: Doubt roars into your mind like a drunk grizzly bear in a bikini. Either play dead until it’s gone, or tell it that you’d love to take its Tinder photo and run away while it’s choosing the perfect filter.

Cancer: Knowing what you want is fine, but getting it will be the tough part. Try to oil the wheels of progress with cash, chocolate or beer. If that doesn’t work, time to give up those Hamilton tickets.

Leo: Relax. The only one expecting perfection is you, and that’s a trick no one can pull off. Put up your feet, let your hair down and barricade your door so no one sees your one weird beauty trick.

Virgo: You know what you did, now how can you make it right? You could bring flowers, but go the extra mile and do that thing with the coconut oil and sparklers. Your sweetie will give you a big hug as soon as the flames die out.

Libra: Tuesday is so bright and shiny, you hate to take the plastic wrap off. Go ahead, it becomes even better when you play with it, and it doesn’t even need batteries.

Scorpio: You won’t find your soulmate at the bar on Saturday night, but you might find them at the pizza joint. If they offer you the last garlic knot, you’ll know they’re a keeper.

Sagittarius: Work stress is turning you into a supervillain, ad you’re one clown short of an evil army. Pick Marjorie in HR, she probably knows her way around exploding red noses and volcano lairs.

Capricorn: Stubborn may not be your middle name, but it’s definitely written in the birthmark on your left foot. If you hold your ground this time, though, you won’t have a free hand to catch a passing opportunity.

Aquarius: Usually when your stars align, they spell out ‘tough luck.’ On Friday, there’s a new message in your celestial inbox and for once, the Universe isn’t cursing at you.

Pisces: You want to be a gorgeous peacock, but you feel more like a plucked chicken. Be brave; someone thinks you have beautiful plumage, and that’s a feather in your cap.


Aries: Instead of taking action, you’re dragging your feet. Expect a nasty shock on Thursday when you finally trudge across the deep pile carpet and open a door.

Taurus: You don’t walk in quiet beauty as much as you skitter in static disarray. Go find your other sock, take your underwear down off the ceiling fan and tackle the day ahead.

Gemini: There’s a treasure out in the open, and you’re the only one who spots it. Be cool, and try to restrain yourself from dancing in the streets. You can let out all that excited shrieking after you’ve scooped up that gold and made it your own.

Cancer: While everyone else is climbing Mount Everest, you’re the only one with a jetpack. Give them all a headstart before you fire it up and zoom up to collect your prize.

Leo: You don’t want the answers given to you on a silver platter, but you’re not adverse to Karma dropping a few hints on a paper plate. Treat Wednesday like a picnic, and the Universe will give you more than a scoop of potato salad.

Virgo: Don’t worry about being a diamond in the rough; you’re more like a cubic zirconia on sale at Target. You’ll still shine, you’ll just have an afterlife on eBay instead of getting pawned.

Libra: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Scorpio: The path ahead isn’t easy, but you’re okay with making progress while cleaning up someone else’s mess. Just remember to yell “What? Am I the only one in this office who knows how to change the toilet paper?” so everyone knows your worth.

Sagittarius: Some days you want to go where everyone knows your name, other days you want to eat your soup in peace. Try taking it on the bus; no one wants to be close to your zebra-butt and leek stew there.

Capricorn: A watched pot never boils, but it does seethe with teenage angst and rebel because it think you don’t trust it enough. If the pot stomps out of the house to spend time with its friends, be glad you still have the skillet.

Aquarius: Everyone needs a hand occasionally, but you didn’t expect so many middle fingers. Next time, just high-five them and leave them to grouse about it on Facebook.

Pisces: You’ve been paralyzed by fear so often, you have a cramp in your foot and a charley horse in your brain. Take a deep breath and a tiny step forward. It will all come back to you as soon as the pins and needles stop.

Aries: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Taurus: You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for a Real Housewives reunion. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Gemini:  January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re caught up on your shows at the end of the year and you still have a pulse, you won.

Cancer: Taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Leo: You don’t need money to make your resolutions happen. All you need is a SnapChat account, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a open-minded earthworm rancher. Just let the magic happen.

Virgo: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Libra: Congratulations! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Scorpio: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Remember to take everyone’s phones away first, so there’s no photo evidence.

Sagittarius:  To everything there is a season, but  idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Capricorn: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, empty that treat closet.

Aquarius: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, grab your grouchy pants and jump back in the can with Oscar.

Pisces: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. Those new gym clothes are perfect for Netflix and pizza.


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