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Aries: A situation requires the gentle approach, so set aside the power tools and practice your finger exercises. You’ve already destroyed two iPads and a phone this year, your ham-handed ways are costing you a fortune.
Taurus: Good grief, pull yourself together and keep it that way. Use staples and Velcro if you have to, but reserve the duct tape for last ditch situations. Like Saturday.
Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you have enough to bewilder those asking the questions. Remember, the guru on the mountaintop ended up there just so he could get some peace, and better wifi for a Netflix binge.
Cancer:Reach deep inside yourself for the truth you seek. Not that deep, though. If you find something squishy, it’s not the truth, it’s your appendix. Neither one of them need to come out right now.
Leo: The earth may revolve around you, but you don’t have to shine on everyone all the time. Quit poking at those enjoying the shade; they won’t sing your praises, but they might use some interesting hand gestures.
Virgo: Your plan is nearly complete. All you need now is lots of money, time, and a discarded gum wrapper. Take heart, because you already have one of these things. Hustle until you have the other two.
Libra: Someone’s playing the wrong tune for all your right moves. If you can’t fall into step, kick the drum player and change the beat. Or offer him a couch and some pizza. That usually works.
Scorpio: Broaden your horizons this week. Not only does travel and adventure introduce you to new concepts, it also expands your mind. Good thing, too, because you really need more room so you can move around your mental furniture.
Sagittarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like you’re in the shower, but text like your grandmother is reading every single one. That goes double for pics. Granny doesn’t want to see your junk.
Capricorn: Your stubbornness is legendary; that’s why the highway makes a loop around your house instead of going through it. Pick your battles carefully on Friday, though. Someone you meet isn’t as easygoing as the guys on the road crew.
Aquarius: Be brave, be bold, and on Thursday, be under the covers with a flashlight until the storm passes. Some things are too weird to face alone, and your back-up won’t arrive until the zombies are gone.
Pisces: You’re feeling out-of-sorts. But really, have you ever been in-sorts? Your everyday mood swings would scare the crap out of a normal person, but it would make a compelling horror movie. Scribble it down and make some cash.
Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.
Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.
Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.
Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.
Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.
Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.
Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.
Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.
Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.
Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.
Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.
Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.
Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.
Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.
Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.
Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.
Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.
Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.
Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.
Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.
Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.
Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.
Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.
Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.
Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.
Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.
Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.
Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.
Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.
Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.
Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.
Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.
Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.
Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.
To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!
Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.
Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.
Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.
Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.
Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.
Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.
Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.
Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.
Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.
Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.
Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.
Pisces: You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.
Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines. Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.
Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.
Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.
Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.
Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.
Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.
Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.
Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.
Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.
Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.
Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.
Pisces: You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.
Aries: Your brain wants full speed ahead, but your tush keeps going backward and two steps to the left toward the couch. Get everything in gear and going the same direction, and you’ll win the day. Or at least make it to the mailbox.
Taurus: Don’t be intimidated by angry birds. There are far worse things you can imagine, like vengeful birds who just had a full lunch and spot your freshly washed car.
Gemini: Progress feels slow, but you look like a speeding jackrabbit to someone on the outside. Once you hop over the finish line, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.
Cancer: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both because they’re in a clearance bin at Walmart. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how to use 20 pounds of slightly iffy margarine.
Leo: Fighting the universe is like playing Twister with an octopus. Sooner or later, you’re going to get all tangled up. Relax, do some stretches, and take each turn as it comes.
Virgo: Sure, you’re good enough to go pro in the Paper Airplane League, but are you positive you want to leave behind all those accounting groupies who just want you to fill in their spreadsheets? Tough choice.
Libra: The road of life always has a few bumps. Those you can deal with, it’s the washed out bridge, the sinkhole, the chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers and the spiked speed strips you have to watch out for. You can do it, you’re a master of Mario Kart.
Scorpio: You’re a tuba player in Karma’s marching band on Wednesday: full of sass and air. Swing that swag and show off your moves. There could be a tuba scout in the audience waiting to catch the next big star.
Sagittarius: On Monday, you’re less “Flight of the Bumblebees” and more “Rolling of the Dung Beetles.” At least you can pack all the crap your job throws at you into one tight ball.
Capricorn: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re all glued to Pokemon Go right now. The only way you’ll get attention is by prancing naked with a Snorlax painted on your belly. Sometimes you don’t want to catch them all.
Aquarius: You see an opportunity, but it doesn’t see you. Walk up to it, take its glasses off, clean them and give them back. That should make a first impression, unless it screams and blasts you with pepper spray.
Pisces: Your head is always in the clouds, which explains why your neck is so stiff and achy. Do something different; stretch out on the grass and watch the clouds roll by. They’ll be grateful to not get caught in your eyebrows for a while.
Aries: Some days you’re the star of your own show, other days you’re just a face in the ensemble. Square up those Spanx, kiddo, because you finally get your close-up on Friday. Play your cards right, and you won’t get bumped off for a younger, hipper character.
Taurus: Love makes the world go round, but passion causes it to quiver on its axis. Find what makes you whirl, be it man, woman or sexy pizza rat. Just don’t choose Pokemon cards again, your parents are embarrassed enough as it is.
Gemini: Life is for the living, which is handy, because zombies really don’t care. Go out and show off those curves in a glitter tube top and bike shorts. The undead can’t make fun of you, they’re all staring at their phones.
Cancer: You know what you want, it’s time to go and get it. Don’t worry, the universe knows how you are and is sending you a coupon for it. Destiny is great, but a good deal is even better.
Leo: Be cool when your dreams come true this week, unless it’s the one about Benedict Cumberbatch and the jar of Nutella. In that case, feel free to squeal out loud. Everyone will understand.
Virgo: No matter how hard you try, you can’t run like the wind. The breeze has no feet. Grab a jet pack and chase the wind on its own turf, just watch out for tornadoes and the occasional bird strike.
Libra: Your boss has a Woody for efficiency, but that’s okay, because filing gives you a great Buzz. Maybe you two should meet after hours and discuss your Toy Story addiction while no one else is around.
Scorpio: It’s good that your job keeps you on your toes, even if it does make you walk funny. At least when you step in dog poop, it’s easier to clean off your shoe.
Sagittarius: Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. They can laugh all they want at your failures, as long as they pay to see them. Just wave at the crowds when you pass by in your Cadillac, right before you crash it into a Wienermobile.
Capricorn: When life kicks you in the butt, turn around and demand “Who made you the boss of me?” After it bashes you in the face a few times, buy it a beer and steal its wallet while it isn’t looking.
Aquarius: Be brave, be smart, be bold, and you’ll end up the most boring person at the Christmas party. Grab that lampshade and give yourself something to regret on Instagram tomorrow.
Pisces: Even when things are going your way, they take Apple Maps to get there. Hang on tight, unless you have to dodge traffic.
Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.
Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.
Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.
Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.
Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.
Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.
Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.
Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.
Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.
Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.
Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor. Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.
Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.
Aries: Don’t complain about the breeze between your knees if you’re wearing a kilt in a wind tunnel. Some things you bring on yourself, like chapped butt cheeks.
Taurus: It’s not easy admitting you’re wrong, but it’s even more difficult to give a TED talk on the physics of blindfolded pole dancing. If you’re limber and smart enough, great. If not, just hope your pasties stay in place.
Gemini: Karma isn’t just slipping you a goody bag of opportunities, it’s dragging a Santa-sized sack to your door. Whatever you had to kiss to get there, it was worth it.
Cancer: You can make a statement without saying a word, and every eye will have a tear. Maybe next time you’ll rely on your soulful gaze instead of the five-alarm cabbage chili you had at lunch.
Leo: When the prize is at the bottom of the cereal box, you just turn it upside down and open it up. On Wednesday, quit flipping your Count Chocula and eat the whole box first, like a normal person. The sugar rush is part of the fun.
Virgo: If you knew Victoria’s secret, you would tell it. You’re in a chatty mood, so warn people upfront to not share military intelligence or the color of their underwear with you unless they want it on Instagram.
Libra: Work has been awkward since the incident with the canned spaghetti and the photocopier. Make amends by replenishing the office’s paper towel stash and promising to never interrupt the boss’ three-way in the supply room again.
Scorpio: Life is a parade, and you’re stuck with a broom, walking behind the horses. Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer.
Sagittarius: A single moment on Thursday leaves you breathless and light-headed. A toddler jumping from the couch onto your chest will do that. Maybe you should find a different place to practice your yoga.
Capricorn: Autumn leaves are falling from the trees, and the bare limbs bring some clarity to the neighborhood. Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show.
Aquarius: You know the answer before someone asks the question, and now you’re the go-to guru for sage wisdom. That’s good, because “what kind of dress should you put on a monkey for a first date” isn’t something Google is equipped to handle.
Pisces: You have moments of serene inner peace, punctuated by long stretches of seizing panic. You can decide to not sweat the small stuff or ask the doctor to up your meds. Either way, life is more pleasant.