Your forecast for the week of Dec. 18

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2019 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweatpants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

Advertisement

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 29

Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen.  After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.

Your forecast for the week of March 12

Aries: You’ve been in over your head so long, you could be a stunt double for The Shape of Water. No man is an island, but that one on your right looks sturdy enough to climb on for a while. Make some small talk until your fingers quit being pruny.

Taurus: Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.

Gemini: Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming “intervention.” Next time, don’t ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead.

Cancer: You may feel fit as a fiddle, but from the back you resemble a double bass. Head to the gym for a musical workout if you want someone to pluck your strings again.

Leo: Relax. It isn’t your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what’s new on Hulu.

Virgo: On Thursday, you stand out more than a game of Where’s Waldo at a nudist colony. Give up that woolly hat and pinch some color on all four of your cheeks if you want to fit in.

Libra: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.

Scorpio: It takes a big person to admit they’re wrong, but you’re still shopping in the juniors department. Slide over to the clearance rank and look for a large apology, because you have some growing to do.

Sagittarius: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.

Capricorn: You finally have the chance to show the world what you’re made of! Hopefully it’s not Cheetos, Real Housewives specials and laughing at your mailman’s ‘Dora the Explorer’ socks.

Aquarius: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Dollar Jell-O Shots night at your fave club. Their hangover will make your news seem small.

Pisces: After years of reaching for the stars, a wild meteor swings down to offer you a ride. It may turn out to be a UFO, but hop on anyway. Those aliens throw some amazing parties.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 27

Aries: Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.

Taurus: You think the world is all about you. Here’s the deal; it is. You’re the only one who can change it, so quit pouting behind Pluto and fix your own orbit.

Gemini: Don’t curse the bucket when you step in it and get your foot caught. Karma’s just giving you a handy container so you can scoop up some opportunities this week. Take your foot out first, though.

Cancer: Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.

Leo: Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.

Virgo: While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.

Libra: You’re one rubber chicken away from being the oldest joke in the book. Toss the clown nose and go for something edgy; maybe some naughty skywriting will get you in the news. And you’ll always have the chicken for snuggling during those long winter nights.

Scorpio: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

Sagittarius: From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.

Capricorn: Change is good, but a dump truck of pennies can really put a crimp in your day. Step aside until the shower of small blessings is done, then grab some penny rollers and get to work.

Aquarius: You’re a lone wolf, but you’re definitely not blowing anyone down. Skip the pigs and find someone on Friday who’s worth all that huffing and puffing.

Pisces: You can dance to anyone’s music, but your best moves happen when you have your own beat. Grab that mixtape and get ready to shake those tailfeathers; someone important is watching.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 13

Aries: It’s time for a good, long look into your soul. Bring a flashlight and some snacks, because this could take awhile. Remember to pick up all your litter afterward, otherwise an empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis.

Taurus: You discover the secret of life, the universe, and everything, but you’re sworn to secrecy. It’s just as well, people would doubt your sanity if you mentioned the tiny mice in lab coats.

Gemini: Sometimes the universe has a good day at work, so you get a special prize box filled with awesome goodies. Write a thank-you note on Wednesday, and slip it into the universe’s lunch tote.

Cancer: Go ahead, be all you can be, but realize there are some things you can’t be. Like a goldfish, a rhombus, or sympathetic toward the Kardashians.

Leo: You have a mighty roar, but you also have a rather cute meow. Quit straining those vocal cords, and use your kitten charms to get what you want on Friday. There will be catnip.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, but you still need to pay up if you want that 100-inch screen TV. Grab your elbow pads and helmet, because Black Friday is around the corner.

Libra: Step carefully; your sweetie is dropping hints, and you’re likely to trip over a pile of them in the hallway. Get a box and collect them all like Pokemon, so you’ll finally have a clue.

Scorpio: Hiding your feelings is like sticking a melon baller down your pants. It’s cold and awkward, but after a while you get used to it. Pull out those emotions and run them through the dishwasher before you share.

Sagittarius: The universe may not cough up money on your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of opportunities on you this week. Brush up your resume’ and get a flu shot.

Capricorn: If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful, like a sorcerer or the tech nerd who can fix your computer. Stock up on Red Bull, sushi and massage oil.

Aquarius: You have something stuck in your craw, but that’s okay. It’s time to power wash those old opinions out of there anyway.  Put on goggles and hand the hose to your BFF. Hey, what could go wrong?

Pisces: When you asked the universe for a sign, you didn’t expect it to smack you over the head with one. Tell Karma you get the message, before it turns into an old lady beating you with her purse.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 6

Aries: You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus.

Taurus: When one door closes, another one opens.  Quick, stick your hand out and catch it, so you can sneak out of the house without the kids.

Gemini: An unusual situation leaves you speechless. Remember, use your words. When that fails, whip out that giant American Gladiator Q-Tip you keep in your locker for emergencies.

Cancer:  Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.

Leo: The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jetpack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.

Virgo: Truth travels with strange company, and there’s no one stranger than your in-laws after a few rounds of Bloody Marys. Either mix their drinks weak, or excuse yourself from the room when they start reminiscing about their wild swinging days in the 70s. You can’t scrub those images out of your head with a steel brush.

Libra: That great idea you have is a misdemeanor in seven states unless you get a signed waiver from a raccoon and three turtles. Stock up on strawberries, batteries and your neighbor’s garbage once the paperwork is done.

Scorpio: A great journey begins with just one step, and you’ve tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.

Sagittarius: Your boss has an uneasy question for you, but that’s okay. You have an unsettling answer. Remember to wipe down the copier after you photocopy your butt and wallpaper his office in hiney portraits.

Capricorn: You’re only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you’ve erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they’re too weak from binging ‘Stranger Things’ to chase you to the Upside Down.

Aquarius: There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.

Pisces:  Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Bactine.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 30

Aries: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the secret handshake? Limber up those fingers before your next promotion review and show them what you got. Just don’t use the one gesture that landed you in traffic court.

Taurus: There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. Right now, though, your mind is more like an open potato chip bag than a steel trap. Work on it, so it will snap at the right time.

Gemini: This week, you get the extra special rare package of rainbows and a pot of gold if you know where to look. So stop checking out that cutie’s butt and listen to the leprechaun tugging at your sleeve.

Cancer: No one likes a smarty pants, but there are no rules about having clever socks or a brain-enhanced shirt. Put on your thinking cap when you shop, so you’ll know what to match.

Leo: In the middle of a rainy day, the sun shines bright only on you. Slap on the sunscreen and enjoy it, but be prepared when someone tries to smack you with their soggy umbrella.

Virgo: That month-long Netflix binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.

Libra: The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.

Scorpio: Stop what you’re doing; you may like it, but the penguin has other ideas. Next time, look a little harder for a date who has a tuxedo before agreeing to go to your cousin’s wedding.

Sagittarius: You think you know all the answers, but who has the right questions? Seek out a drunk philosopher, or ask a toddler when they wake you up at 5 a.m. You’ll get all the questions you can handle.

Capricorn: Life is an uphill battle, and a downhill slide. You need to be in the middle, selling swords, shields, sleds and hot cocoa to both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming or going when you’re making enough to retire on.

Aquarius: One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your phone to avoid “Now who’s THAT guy?” from your sweetie.

Pisces: You’ve never been a Barbie or a Ken; you’re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your particular brand of crazy this week.

 

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 23

Aries: Saturday will be a good day for you, if you remember these words: “rechargeable llamas.” Don’t slip up and substitute alpacas.

Taurus: Dance like no one’s watching, because they aren’t. Your moves may be painful to the naked eye, but they are original. Keep some Advil on hand for those who try to sneak a peek.

Gemini: The skies are clear, and you have a new idea, so run up that test balloon. Remember to do it far away from storm drains and creepy clowns, though, unless you’re prepared for screaming and running.

Cancer: Usually you’re like rose petals across skin, soft and lovely. On Thursday, though, you’re a paperclip under the tongue: uncomfortable, pointy and useless. Hang on, Karma will spit you out soon enough.

Leo: Your candle is burning on both ends, the middle, and you just added three wicks on the side. Time to unwind and blow out a few of the flames before you turn into a wax puddle.

Virgo: You are sugar and spice with hot sauce thrown in for flavor. Next time someone thinks you have no bite, kick ‘em in the Tabasco and make ‘em howl.

Libra: All your big talk has backed you into a corner. At least you’ve found two quarters, five dust bunnies and you now know where the dog has peed when you’re not home.

Scorpio: You’ll experience the finer things in life this week. It could be art or dining, or the pile of traffic fines waiting in your mailbox. Next time, don’t roar through the farmer’s market on your scooter while wearing only goggles and a smile.

Sagittarius: The good life has passed you by, but you still have a shot at the “it’s not so bad” life, which is filled with irregulars, knock-offs and store brands. Lucky for you, the universe has a double coupon day.

Capricorn: You’ve folded so many times, you look like an origami model of a black hole. Escape your own gravity for a change and try something new. Fun will iron out your creases.

Aquarius: Lately, life has been a box of cereal: all bran, no marshmallows. That changes on Saturday, when someone new shows up and excites all your fruity bits. You’ll even feel like licking the spoon.

Pisces: People think you’re inching along, but you feel like a tornado in a sloth suit. Slow down your mind for a few days and take care of yourself; you’ll be back up to speed—outside and inside—in no time.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 16

Aries: Just because an old situation is water under the bridge doesn’t mean you should grab an innertube and go for a swim. Leave it alone and find a new puddle to play in.

Taurus: Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.

Gemini: You’ve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Don’t fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

Cancer: There’s a hot new honey coming into your life, so make sure you throw away all the undies with the holes in them. If you forget, say it’s the latest trend in sexy granny panty-lingerie and open an extra bottle of wine.

Leo: The universe is lined up right where you want it, so take that pool cue and go for the trick shot. You’ll win like you always do: with a wink and a kiss thrown to the crowd.

Virgo: On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix. Wear something loose so you aren’t caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. If you’re going to Chipotle, just wrap a comforter around you like a toga.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion on Monday. If you miss your boss with the dart gun, you still have a money-making opportunity. Charge each person ten bucks for a quick prick with the tranquilizer darts, and everyone will have the best staff meeting nap ever.

Scorpio: Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: there are too many forks and you forgot which spoon you’re supposed to use for the kale Jell-O. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff.

Sagittarius: When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is “Put me down!” Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or you’ll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.

Capricorn: If you love something, set it free. It will be easier to track with that GoPro camera around its neck and the microchip in its butt. Plus, you can sell ads on your new livestreaming YouTube channel.

Aquarius: Strike while the iron is hot, and you’ll never curl your hair while bowling again. Give up multitasking until the burns heal.

Pisces: Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You don’t have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. That’s how you get ants.

 

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 9

Aries: There’s a spring in your step this week. Either you have a new sweetie, or you just found a community of spiders living in your underwear drawer. Doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still going to need some new undies.

Taurus: Some shine like a diamond, but you shine like a fresh sheet of aluminum foil. Your sparkle only lasts until someone wraps you around leftover pizza. You may not catch everyone’s eye after that, but hey, free pizza!

Gemini: Spin that clock all you want, but you can’t turn back time. Set aside your mad scientist projects, because looking good will require extreme measures like eating broccoli and occasionally separating your butt from the couch.

Cancer: Little birdies are telling you tall tales; what you think is a dove of peace turns out to be a stool pigeon. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers.

Leo: The only way you could love yourself more is if you lived in a disco ball warehouse. Someone should tell you to back away from all those mirrors, but gazing at your own reflection keeps you out of everyone else’s business.

Virgo: Trust your gut; it was right about that pumpkin spice tuna sushi from the gas station, and it knows what you need to do about your situation now. Stock up on patience and Pepto-Bismol.

Libra: The stars had something planned for you, but then Sirius the dog star ate the paperwork. So…whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, especially if it’s good. The universe will make it up to you after a certain mutt goes through cosmic obedience school.

Scorpio: You’re looking good and feeling sassy on Wednesday.  That new shirt will earn you some free drinks and envious glares from everyone in the office. Bask in your own glory.

Sagittarius: You may not remember that wild night of margaritas and the massage chair at the mall, but that’s why your friends have phones. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on Facebook.

Capricorn: Life is like those magic jelly beans from Harry Potter: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat.

Aquarius: Just when you’re ready to steal the show, you discover it’s rigged with alarms and guard dogs. Add a few pork chops and wirecutters to your dance routine, and they’ll never know what hit them.

Pisces: Turn that frown upside down, and you’ll get dizzy from standing on your head, fall over, and accidentally kick a frenemy into a water fountain. Now that will make you smile for real.