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Aries: Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.

Taurus: You think the world is all about you. Here’s the deal; it is. You’re the only one who can change it, so quit pouting behind Pluto and fix your own orbit.

Gemini: Don’t curse the bucket when you step in it and get your foot caught. Karma’s just giving you a handy container so you can scoop up some opportunities this week. Take your foot out first, though.

Cancer: Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.

Leo: Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.

Virgo: While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.

Libra: You’re one rubber chicken away from being the oldest joke in the book. Toss the clown nose and go for something edgy; maybe some naughty skywriting will get you in the news. And you’ll always have the chicken for snuggling during those long winter nights.

Scorpio: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

Sagittarius: From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.

Capricorn: Change is good, but a dump truck of pennies can really put a crimp in your day. Step aside until the shower of small blessings is done, then grab some penny rollers and get to work.

Aquarius: You’re a lone wolf, but you’re definitely not blowing anyone down. Skip the pigs and find someone on Friday who’s worth all that huffing and puffing.

Pisces: You can dance to anyone’s music, but your best moves happen when you have your own beat. Grab that mixtape and get ready to shake those tailfeathers; someone important is watching.

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Aries: It’s time for a good, long look into your soul. Bring a flashlight and some snacks, because this could take awhile. Remember to pick up all your litter afterward, otherwise an empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis.

Taurus: You discover the secret of life, the universe, and everything, but you’re sworn to secrecy. It’s just as well, people would doubt your sanity if you mentioned the tiny mice in lab coats.

Gemini: Sometimes the universe has a good day at work, so you get a special prize box filled with awesome goodies. Write a thank-you note on Wednesday, and slip it into the universe’s lunch tote.

Cancer: Go ahead, be all you can be, but realize there are some things you can’t be. Like a goldfish, a rhombus, or sympathetic toward the Kardashians.

Leo: You have a mighty roar, but you also have a rather cute meow. Quit straining those vocal cords, and use your kitten charms to get what you want on Friday. There will be catnip.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, but you still need to pay up if you want that 100-inch screen TV. Grab your elbow pads and helmet, because Black Friday is around the corner.

Libra: Step carefully; your sweetie is dropping hints, and you’re likely to trip over a pile of them in the hallway. Get a box and collect them all like Pokemon, so you’ll finally have a clue.

Scorpio: Hiding your feelings is like sticking a melon baller down your pants. It’s cold and awkward, but after a while you get used to it. Pull out those emotions and run them through the dishwasher before you share.

Sagittarius: The universe may not cough up money on your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of opportunities on you this week. Brush up your resume’ and get a flu shot.

Capricorn: If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful, like a sorcerer or the tech nerd who can fix your computer. Stock up on Red Bull, sushi and massage oil.

Aquarius: You have something stuck in your craw, but that’s okay. It’s time to power wash those old opinions out of there anyway.  Put on goggles and hand the hose to your BFF. Hey, what could go wrong?

Pisces: When you asked the universe for a sign, you didn’t expect it to smack you over the head with one. Tell Karma you get the message, before it turns into an old lady beating you with her purse.

Aries: You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus.

Taurus: When one door closes, another one opens.  Quick, stick your hand out and catch it, so you can sneak out of the house without the kids.

Gemini: An unusual situation leaves you speechless. Remember, use your words. When that fails, whip out that giant American Gladiator Q-Tip you keep in your locker for emergencies.

Cancer:  Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.

Leo: The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jetpack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.

Virgo: Truth travels with strange company, and there’s no one stranger than your in-laws after a few rounds of Bloody Marys. Either mix their drinks weak, or excuse yourself from the room when they start reminiscing about their wild swinging days in the 70s. You can’t scrub those images out of your head with a steel brush.

Libra: That great idea you have is a misdemeanor in seven states unless you get a signed waiver from a raccoon and three turtles. Stock up on strawberries, batteries and your neighbor’s garbage once the paperwork is done.

Scorpio: A great journey begins with just one step, and you’ve tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.

Sagittarius: Your boss has an uneasy question for you, but that’s okay. You have an unsettling answer. Remember to wipe down the copier after you photocopy your butt and wallpaper his office in hiney portraits.

Capricorn: You’re only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you’ve erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they’re too weak from binging ‘Stranger Things’ to chase you to the Upside Down.

Aquarius: There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.

Pisces:  Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Bactine.

Aries: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the secret handshake? Limber up those fingers before your next promotion review and show them what you got. Just don’t use the one gesture that landed you in traffic court.

Taurus: There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. Right now, though, your mind is more like an open potato chip bag than a steel trap. Work on it, so it will snap at the right time.

Gemini: This week, you get the extra special rare package of rainbows and a pot of gold if you know where to look. So stop checking out that cutie’s butt and listen to the leprechaun tugging at your sleeve.

Cancer: No one likes a smarty pants, but there are no rules about having clever socks or a brain-enhanced shirt. Put on your thinking cap when you shop, so you’ll know what to match.

Leo: In the middle of a rainy day, the sun shines bright only on you. Slap on the sunscreen and enjoy it, but be prepared when someone tries to smack you with their soggy umbrella.

Virgo: That month-long Netflix binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.

Libra: The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.

Scorpio: Stop what you’re doing; you may like it, but the penguin has other ideas. Next time, look a little harder for a date who has a tuxedo before agreeing to go to your cousin’s wedding.

Sagittarius: You think you know all the answers, but who has the right questions? Seek out a drunk philosopher, or ask a toddler when they wake you up at 5 a.m. You’ll get all the questions you can handle.

Capricorn: Life is an uphill battle, and a downhill slide. You need to be in the middle, selling swords, shields, sleds and hot cocoa to both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming or going when you’re making enough to retire on.

Aquarius: One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your phone to avoid “Now who’s THAT guy?” from your sweetie.

Pisces: You’ve never been a Barbie or a Ken; you’re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your particular brand of crazy this week.

 

Aries: Saturday will be a good day for you, if you remember these words: “rechargeable llamas.” Don’t slip up and substitute alpacas.

Taurus: Dance like no one’s watching, because they aren’t. Your moves may be painful to the naked eye, but they are original. Keep some Advil on hand for those who try to sneak a peek.

Gemini: The skies are clear, and you have a new idea, so run up that test balloon. Remember to do it far away from storm drains and creepy clowns, though, unless you’re prepared for screaming and running.

Cancer: Usually you’re like rose petals across skin, soft and lovely. On Thursday, though, you’re a paperclip under the tongue: uncomfortable, pointy and useless. Hang on, Karma will spit you out soon enough.

Leo: Your candle is burning on both ends, the middle, and you just added three wicks on the side. Time to unwind and blow out a few of the flames before you turn into a wax puddle.

Virgo: You are sugar and spice with hot sauce thrown in for flavor. Next time someone thinks you have no bite, kick ‘em in the Tabasco and make ‘em howl.

Libra: All your big talk has backed you into a corner. At least you’ve found two quarters, five dust bunnies and you now know where the dog has peed when you’re not home.

Scorpio: You’ll experience the finer things in life this week. It could be art or dining, or the pile of traffic fines waiting in your mailbox. Next time, don’t roar through the farmer’s market on your scooter while wearing only goggles and a smile.

Sagittarius: The good life has passed you by, but you still have a shot at the “it’s not so bad” life, which is filled with irregulars, knock-offs and store brands. Lucky for you, the universe has a double coupon day.

Capricorn: You’ve folded so many times, you look like an origami model of a black hole. Escape your own gravity for a change and try something new. Fun will iron out your creases.

Aquarius: Lately, life has been a box of cereal: all bran, no marshmallows. That changes on Saturday, when someone new shows up and excites all your fruity bits. You’ll even feel like licking the spoon.

Pisces: People think you’re inching along, but you feel like a tornado in a sloth suit. Slow down your mind for a few days and take care of yourself; you’ll be back up to speed—outside and inside—in no time.

Aries: Just because an old situation is water under the bridge doesn’t mean you should grab an innertube and go for a swim. Leave it alone and find a new puddle to play in.

Taurus: Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.

Gemini: You’ve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Don’t fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

Cancer: There’s a hot new honey coming into your life, so make sure you throw away all the undies with the holes in them. If you forget, say it’s the latest trend in sexy granny panty-lingerie and open an extra bottle of wine.

Leo: The universe is lined up right where you want it, so take that pool cue and go for the trick shot. You’ll win like you always do: with a wink and a kiss thrown to the crowd.

Virgo: On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix. Wear something loose so you aren’t caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. If you’re going to Chipotle, just wrap a comforter around you like a toga.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion on Monday. If you miss your boss with the dart gun, you still have a money-making opportunity. Charge each person ten bucks for a quick prick with the tranquilizer darts, and everyone will have the best staff meeting nap ever.

Scorpio: Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: there are too many forks and you forgot which spoon you’re supposed to use for the kale Jell-O. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff.

Sagittarius: When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is “Put me down!” Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or you’ll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.

Capricorn: If you love something, set it free. It will be easier to track with that GoPro camera around its neck and the microchip in its butt. Plus, you can sell ads on your new livestreaming YouTube channel.

Aquarius: Strike while the iron is hot, and you’ll never curl your hair while bowling again. Give up multitasking until the burns heal.

Pisces: Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You don’t have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. That’s how you get ants.

 

Aries: There’s a spring in your step this week. Either you have a new sweetie, or you just found a community of spiders living in your underwear drawer. Doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still going to need some new undies.

Taurus: Some shine like a diamond, but you shine like a fresh sheet of aluminum foil. Your sparkle only lasts until someone wraps you around leftover pizza. You may not catch everyone’s eye after that, but hey, free pizza!

Gemini: Spin that clock all you want, but you can’t turn back time. Set aside your mad scientist projects, because looking good will require extreme measures like eating broccoli and occasionally separating your butt from the couch.

Cancer: Little birdies are telling you tall tales; what you think is a dove of peace turns out to be a stool pigeon. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers.

Leo: The only way you could love yourself more is if you lived in a disco ball warehouse. Someone should tell you to back away from all those mirrors, but gazing at your own reflection keeps you out of everyone else’s business.

Virgo: Trust your gut; it was right about that pumpkin spice tuna sushi from the gas station, and it knows what you need to do about your situation now. Stock up on patience and Pepto-Bismol.

Libra: The stars had something planned for you, but then Sirius the dog star ate the paperwork. So…whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, especially if it’s good. The universe will make it up to you after a certain mutt goes through cosmic obedience school.

Scorpio: You’re looking good and feeling sassy on Wednesday.  That new shirt will earn you some free drinks and envious glares from everyone in the office. Bask in your own glory.

Sagittarius: You may not remember that wild night of margaritas and the massage chair at the mall, but that’s why your friends have phones. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on Facebook.

Capricorn: Life is like those magic jelly beans from Harry Potter: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat.

Aquarius: Just when you’re ready to steal the show, you discover it’s rigged with alarms and guard dogs. Add a few pork chops and wirecutters to your dance routine, and they’ll never know what hit them.

Pisces: Turn that frown upside down, and you’ll get dizzy from standing on your head, fall over, and accidentally kick a frenemy into a water fountain. Now that will make you smile for real.

Aries: You’ve brought a banana to a gunfight, but that’s okay. The other person brought granola and milk. Turns out you’re both really bad at identifying weaponry, but excellent at breakfast.

Taurus: A work situation has you worried. Relax. Your boss did join Instagram, but he probably won’t recognize his own car in all your ‘arty’ nude photos. Still wouldn’t hurt to freshen up your resume’, just in case.

Gemini: Change is coming! First it’s the nickels, next, the dimes, and finally you find a cache of quarters. Don’t complain about your bounty; scoop it up and head to the casino.

Cancer: Everyone has to start somewhere, but the PTA fundraiser isn’t the place to launch your stand-up comedy career. Those soccer moms don’t appreciate Botox humor, and they can fling a wine bottle 30 feet.

Leo:  You’ve microwaved the remote control, and you’re trying to change the TV channel with a frozen burrito. Either get more sleep, or better hallucinations. If you can actually hallucinate the final season of Game of Thrones, there could be money in it for you.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you learn a secret. It’s a thick, juicy one, so don’t overcook it in your head. Let it sizzle until Friday before you serve the gossip to your friends. Mmmm, delicious.

Libra: You have some explaining to do on Monday. No one may want to hear about corporate llama holdovers and provisional tax liabilities for ferrets, but you have information in your head that must come out. Bring donuts to ease everyone’s pain.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been Superman in a Kryptonite bathroom: no matter how hard you try, you can’t get the job done. Fly off to your Fortress of Solitude with some espresso and a case of prunes; you’ll have a fresh new outlook when you return.

Sagittarius: Your underwear is starched and the car radio is locked on the all-polka station. Figure out what you did wrong, and fast, before your sweetie steps up the revenge and invites the in-laws to stay for a month.

Capricorn: That hottie you just met is a fixer-upper. You don’t need long-term plans, but you can go all HGTV, spackle them in the right places and then flip them for a better model.

Aquarius: No one will ever know what happened last weekend if you pay off the bartender, the plumber and the guy who sold you that vat of organic coconut oil and three alligators in halter tops. You may need to bribe the gators, too.

Pisces: When one door closes, a window opens. Either your teenager is sneaking in past curfew, or the cats have finally developed thumbs and are heading out for nighttime mini-golf.

Aries: If you’re looking for your common sense, it’s shriveled up and under the couch with some lint-covered M&Ms and a really old banana. Dig it out, rinse it off and nurse it back to health. You’ll need it soon.

Taurus: You’re not bulletproof, your enemies just have bad aim. Bake them some cookies and make amends. You’ll have time to steal their paintball guns while they’re trying to digest your dismal cooking.

Gemini: The sun shines on you alone this Thursday, so pop out that inflatable greenhouse and make the most of it. If you’re pressed for time, just wear a potted plant on your head.

Cancer: Before you declare your new groove to be permanent, check the foundation for fire ants and paisley mold. Otherwise, your groove could bite you on the butt and constantly sing 60s folk songs when your back is turned.

Leo: Whether you realize it or not, you’re at the top of your game. Balance everything just right, and you won’t even crumple the Monopoly box you’re standing on.

Virgo: No one asked for your opinion, so it’s time to distribute it the old-school way; slip it under people’s windshield wipers like off-brand pizza coupons. Don’t worry about it flying away when they drive off. Your words have weight.

Libra: There’s always a better day on the horizon but why wait around to be happy? Do it now instead of waiting for the universe to rescue you like some wannabe princess in a cardboard castle.

Scorpio: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end, accompanied by screaming.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes on the prize, and you’ll have no idea what kind of cereal you’re eating for breakfast. It’s good to have goals, but occasionally look down to see where you are, too.

Capricorn: Everyone has a secret, and only you can charm it out of them. When the wheedling becomes too difficult, just offer them donuts or cash. They don’t need to know about your “Incredible Secrets Revealed!” podcast.

Aquarius: If things seem dark in your world, check to make sure you’re not still wearing eclipse glasses from last month. Sometimes the world needs a filter, but not right now.

Pisces: You’re dizzy from all the choices the world serves up this week. Instead of hiding under your bed, pick the one that pops into your head at 3 p.m. this Friday. It’s a winner. Or not. At least you’ll make a freaking decision about it, though.

Aries: You have a mind that just won’t quit, but it really needs to take a coffee break before it has a meltdown. Give your brain a day off before you end up heavily medicated and holding crayons with your toes.

Taurus: A day without you is like a day without sunshine. Let those around you have a nice, rainy afternoon watching Netflix and eating pizza. After all, they can’t miss you if you’re not gone, and they’ll unlock the garage door for you in the morning.

Gemini: Use your superpowers on Friday to get that big deal you want. What superpower? You know, the one no one ever sees because you don’t want to end up on the news. It’s okay, though, just this one time, because the reward is worth it.

Cancer: Some days you’re the flower, other days you’re the sneeze. Either way, some allergy meds will make Wednesday easier. Or you could just take Benadryl and skip from Tuesday to Friday.

Leo: Inner peace isn’t always about finding a mountaintop and gaining wisdom from a lofty guru. Sometimes it’s knowing you had the restraint to not smack the idiots around today. Good job.

Virgo: To thine own self be true, but feel free to dish out little white fibs to everyone else. Your weight, politics and secret love for the Backstreet Boys will remain your own.

Libra: People say you’re an open book but frankly, you’re not even a one-sided pamphlet. Get some hobbies and conversation skills before you turn into an episode of reality TV.

Scorpio: Someone is rattling your cage, but you know something they don’t; you have the key. Step outside with a smile, and watch them wet themselves before they head for the hills.

Sagittarius: The universe wants an explanation of what you did last Tuesday. This time, don’t blame the dog. Karma knows he can’t drive or throw turnips; and the traffic camera definitely caught your best side.

Capricorn: If your step feels lighter, it’s because Karma is trying to lift your heavy butt over the rough spots. Help it out with some muscle power, instead of dragging your feet and complaining.

Aquarius: Watch out on Saturday. A bad-tempered ferret is coming to town, and it knows what you look like. Stock up on good whiskey and prepare your best distracting small talk.

Pisces: Opportunities fly at you fast, but don’t duck and run away. Grab a helmet and start whacking those suckers out of the park. You could score a pocketful of home runs before the day is done.