You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘virgo’ tag.

Aries: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel better? Good. Quit annoying your family this week with your tuba death metal and you’ll be allowed to keep breathing on a regular basis.

Taurus: You have all the best moves, except for that third one. That particular move may attract an amorous moose. At least you and the moose enjoy the same Netflix shows, so it could work out.

Gemini: Let a smile be your umbrella, an ear wiggle be your cell phone, and a tongue be your car keys. You’ll look weird and you’ll talk funny, but at least your pockets will be much lighter.

Cancer: Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot teach, lead. Those who cannot lead, end up in middle management and plan four-hour meetings to discuss the color of the water cooler, so bring your phone to distract yourself at the staff meeting on Thursday.

Leo: Its fine if you decorate your happy place with swords, pit traps and ninja stars, just don’t invite anyone over for tea; they’ll be jumpy for days. Some things are meant for you alone.

Virgo: You’re feeling more out of place than Barney the dinosaur in a Game of Thrones episode. Once you avoid all the pointy things, lay low and you might get a date with a dragon.

Libra: Hitch your wagon to a star, and you’ll get great gas mileage. Be careful, though; very few wagons offer seat belts and stars occasionally take sharp left turns. Pack a parachute.

Scorpio: Someone tries to pick a fight with you on Tuesday, but your best move is to laugh it off. If they ask why you’re giggling, tell them you saw their paycheck stub.

Sagittarius: You think you know what’s best, but that’s because you haven’t seen the universal Sears catalog of awesomeness. Check out page 42, it will change your life forever.

Capricorn: Love finds you when you least expect it. Tell it to wait outside, until you’re done looking through Twitter while sitting on the toilet. Sometimes love needs boundaries.

Aquarius: You’re having such an incredible streak of luck, even the mice are cheering you on. Don’t worry about why they’re in your car, just admire how cute they are with their little pompoms and foam #1 fingers.

Pisces: You don’t have to chase life with gusto, but you can skip after it with a bit of cheer. Start slow; your legs aren’t used to all the unfamiliar exercise.

Aries: Sometimes when you reach for your dreams, you grab the cookies instead. Before you glue yourself to the couch, try reaching for a smaller dream on a lower shelf to keep your motivation up.

Taurus: The universe broke the mold when it made you. Too bad it didn’t wait until after you were done. Don’t worry if you’re a little cracked, you’ve been that way all along.

Gemini: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Cancer: Happiness is a warm puppy with a few hundred dollar bills tucked in around its collar. Feel free to play and snuggle, just don’t ask the doggie where he’s earning his cash at night.

Leo: Opening up your heart to others is easier if you have a crowbar handy. Things are a bit rusty, so oil the hinges too, and maybe buy a few new throw pillows for company.

Virgo: Find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love involves really old billionaires with loose morals. Good thing you take CPR classes along with your yoga.

Libra: You’ve been inside so long, Netflix is about to cut you off. Find your shoes and head outside. If you can navigate your way to the street, maybe you can hire the neighborhood kid to cut your lawn so you can find your way back.

Scorpio: You don’t have to be the life of the party, but you can definitely be the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You’re sweet, and you don’t tear up people’s mouths like that Cap’n Crunch dude.

Sagittarius: There’s no “I” in team, but there is meat. So if you’re a zombie or you’re just really devoted to your paleo diet, Wednesday’s staff meeting will be especially good for you.

Capricorn: Know yourself and you’ll never be alone at a soiree; you can always keep up with your own sparkling wit and conversation. Good thing, too, because everyone else is giving you a very wide berth.

Aquarius: Thursday is a good day to rid yourself of things you don’t need, so change the locks before your brother-in-law comes back. He’s more comfortable in his van down by the river anyway, and you need a mancave for football and knitting.

Pisces: You don’t have to be a reflecting pool and mirror other people’s emotions. Be your own storm and slap the morons with a well-placed wave and the occasional sharknado.

Aries: If you haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, it’s because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when you’re having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If there’s an angel on your shoulder, he’s only there to ask directions. Listen to him while he’s perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think you’re ready to spring something new on your boss, but you’re not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, you’ll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry can’t compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Don’t forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: You’re quick to judge others’ shortcomings, but you haven’t spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone else’s life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all A’s in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: You’re still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while you’re in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.

Aries: Feel free to take a chance on Friday, just remember to give one back next week so the “Take a chance, leave a chance” dish isn’t empty for someone else needing it.

Taurus: A bird will answer your question on Tuesday. It could cheep, peep, tweet or just flip at you. No matter the method, you’ll get the point.

Gemini: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re not. You forgot to set the parking brake on your car, and everyone has their phone out, recording your coupe doing a Thelma & Louise off the cliff.

Cancer: All good things must end, so they can take a breather before they start up again. Give the goodness in your life a brief break so they can have a snack and put their feet up.

Leo: Forget about the man in the mirror and be more concerned about the camera behind the glass. Is it the CIA? KGB? Or just the newest season of Big Brother? Find out so you know whose butt to kick.

Virgo: Soar among the clouds, and you’ll be dodging geese, camera-packing drones and chicken sandwiches in rockets. Sometimes it’s safer to just take the bus to your dreams.

Libra: Knowledge comes from the outside, wisdom comes from within and sarcasm is like sand in your swim trunks: it goes everywhere. You can try to dig it out, or just squeeze your butt cheeks and turn it into a pearl.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like a sumo wrestler in Spanx; something’s got to give, and innocent bystanders shouldn’t be around when it happens. Give everyone a heads up before you pop.

Sagittarius: Don’t bother to explain yourself. If people can’t understand a TV remote, they won’t get you. Just change your own channel and leave them stuck in an informercial for copper-studded jockstraps.

Capricorn: Your job takes an interesting turn on Monday, crashes into a road sign on Wednesday, stalls out on a railroad crossing on Thursday, and comes out of the body shop with a fresh paint job on Friday. Congrats on another typical week.

Aquarius: Something you’ve yearned for will finally happen. It could be a big break in your career, or those Chicken & Waffles Oreos you’ve dreamed about for years. If you work in a bakery, it could be both.

Pisces: You’re filled with new fire, but don’t reach for the heartburn medicine just yet. This time it’s a flame of inspiration and ambition, and it will goose you into a much better tax bracket. Remember your flame-retardant Underoos, and all will be good.

Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

Aries: The sky isn’t falling, but it might be throwing a few spitballs at you on Friday. Carry a fire-proof umbrella or learn to duck, because those suckers flame up on atmosphere re-entry.

Taurus: Words not only fail you this week, they slap a pointy dunce hat on you and stick you in the corner. Fortunately, your actions are a lot louder, especially if they’re top notch.

Gemini: You can be a good egg or a very naughty omelet. Depends on how cracked you are, and if anyone whips you up into a frenzy. Tell them to throw in a little cheese and spice, too.

Cancer: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, and wear some Axe body spray like no one’s sniffing. Two days later, you really will be alone.

Leo: You’ve blown past burning your candle at both ends; now you’re just sticking a propane torch directly into the vat of wax. Take a break before you have a complete meltdown.

Virgo: Someone else has the last word, but don’t worry, you get the last laugh. Mainly because they don’t know how to pronounce “cavalry.” Get back up on your high horse and ride off into the sunset.

Libra: When someone says it’s a mad world, do something nice for them. After that, they’ll just think it’s a hangry world in need of a good snack. It’s a step.

Scorpio: Don’t photocopy your private parts and staple them to your personnel review. That’s so old school. Take a pic and text it to your boss like you belong in this century.

Sagittarius: You think the fire-breathing dragon is trying to toast your tuckus, but really it just has bad heartburn and asthma. Wave a white flag and some Tums, and soon you’ll be besties.

Capricorn: Look on the bright side of life too much, and you’ll need some aloe vera for that sunburn. Relax, you don’t have to bask in the light all the time. Occasionally a creep through the darkened hallways of your mind will do you good.

Aquarius: Look for a spot of luck on Thursday. If you stretch it just right, that spot could grow into an oddly shaped stain of good fortune that covers the whole carpet.

Pisces: Everything feels like a struggle, but that’s because you have the strength to fight. Build those muscles with some planks and curls so you can show the world who’s boss. Don’t forget leg day, either.

Aries: Look deep inside and do some mental housecleaning. In the couch cushions of your mind, you’ll find an old Blockbuster receipt, two ancient Skittles and a weird memory from summer camp.  Toss all of that, spray a little Febreeze and you’re fresh as a daisy for the weeks ahead.

Taurus: Tuesday presents you with an opportunity. You can encourage it to bloom or stomp on it like an errant weed.  It wouldn’t hurt to develop some gardening skills, so life could smell a little sweeter.

Gemini: Time moves fast, but so do lizards on the sidewalk. Both can be fun to watch if you hold still for a few minutes, especially when that lizard runs up the pants leg of your snobby co-worker.

Cancer: Nobody’s perfect, but you could aim for at least being semi-normal once in a while. If you don’t, Karma will slap an “irregular” tag on you and ship you off to some discount outlet store.

Leo: Take a breath. Take another. There, now you have some oxygen getting to the brain and you can see how bad your new plan is. Think up something new, and keep that breathing habit.

Virgo: Thursday is fine, but Friday gooses you like that weird guy at the bus station. Keep an eye on it, and your back to the wall.

Libra: If you stay on the straight and narrow, you’ll never learn to handle the curves. Get out and find a crazy new road, so you’ll see what this baby can do.

Scorpio: Stop and smell the roses, but don’t get too close. There’s a bee named Merle who has it out for you because he saw what you did in the garden last month.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the moth, some days you’re the flame, and other days you just wonder who started this fire in the trash can. Don’t worry, you’ve had three cups of coffee; you know how to put it out.

Capricorn: Admit it. You’re tired of the same old crazy. Head over to the conspiracy singles mixer and pick up a brand new crazy; you’ll both look great in tinfoil hats.

Aquarius: Time to get into shape for bikini season! You’ll be on your third sit-up when you realize your best shape is a trapezoid. Good thing you bought a very stretchy thong and some water-resistant tassels.

Pisces: You believe your thoughts make beautiful music of the mind but in reality, it sounds like two mice having a wild party on a keytar.  Good thing is, you can still dance to it.

 

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.

Aries: If something goes awry, all is not lost. It’s simply misplaced. Look for your ambition under the sofa, and check the medicine cabinet for your courage. Whatever you do, leave the bottom drawer in the fridge alone.

Taurus: On Tuesday, you’ll awaken with a start, which is more exercise than you’ve had in weeks. Keep that heart pounding with a brief jog or by looking at the interest on your student loans.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve achieved a lifelong dream. Of course there will be letters from those against cruelty to rutabagas, but you can ignore the haters. You have triumphed over produce.

Cancer: You’re like a sugared-up hamster: wild, wooly, and ready to bite. No one should try to corral you, unless they, too, have a fascination with wheels and like to snuggle in wood shavings. If so, you’ve met your next sweetie.

Leo: Feeling fit as a fiddle? A special day is coming up, to prepare to whip out that bow and make those strings sing. You’ll have your hands full, so try not to drop that bass.

Virgo: Wednesday brings you trembling legs, sweaty palms and dry mouth. Either you’re in love, or you loaded up on expired gas station sushi again. You’ll uncurl from that fetal position by Friday, with a lesson learned.

Libra: Inspiration strikes this week, and it leaves a lightning bolt on your butt. Go ahead, seek out that truckload of mixed nuts, five AAA batteries and a kite, but add a camera too. No one should miss the moment you make YouTube history.

Scorpio: You find yourself in a tight situation, but belting out “Mandy” by Barry Manilow will set you free. Next time, don’t wear the Chewbacca mask through airport security checkpoints.

Sagittarius: The show must go on, even if you haven’t had your makeup done yet. If you’re not starring in a comedy, you will be, especially when that giant powder puff hits you in the face.

Capricorn: You’re not ready to get back in the saddle, but you can go commando and perch on a pillow until that chafing cools down. Next time, throw some talcum powder in those leather pants before you squirm into them.

Aquarius: Karma thinks you’re looking rather sexy these days. Flutter those lashes and wiggle that butt, because the universe is an excellent sugar daddy.

Pisces: Everyone calling your name can be nice, but not when they do it all at once. It’s not bad to want attention now and again, but you don’t get to choose between a gusher and a trickle. Be ready by the faucet, so you can turn it off when you want.

Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Connect on Twitter:

counter for wordpress