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Aries: No one likes a spoilsport, although they do like sporty spoilers. If you have a time machine and know who will win the next Super Bowl, you could make a lot of friends.
Taurus: If you keep spinning your wheels, you’ll wear out your bearings. Get someone to pull you out of that rut before you sink any lower into the mire.
Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve won the door prize to the Universe’s Tupperware party! It’s a sandwich crisper that also locks your troubles away so you can deal with them another day. Also works on carrots.
Cancer: Have a song in your heart and you’ll really mess up your next EKG at the cardiologist’s. Bet they’ve never seen Death Metal Bagpipe music in graph form before.
Leo: The world showers you with blessings this week, so quit complaining that you need a towel. Grab some fruity body wash and enjoy the downpour while it lasts. Remember to sprinkle some good fortune behind those ears, too.
Virgo: Someone knows your biggest secret. You could try to set them up with a goat wrangler in black latex and boots, or just wave it off and go on with your life. Your secrets are boring, anyway.
Libra: You will jump for joy on Tuesday. The rest of the days you’ll jump because that giant spider in the bathroom finally hatched her babies. Yay for cardio workouts!
Scorpio: Dreams can soar like an eagle, but watch them; they can also get away from you, like a mylar balloon heading for the power line. If you can’t catch it, at least you’ll have some sparks in your life. And a massive power outage.
Sagittarius: All your opinions are vindicated when someone finally clicks “Like” on that bizarre Facebook meme you posted. Your work here is done, so sign out and see what’s changed outdoors since 2008.
Capricorn: Wednesday may be tough, so stock up on pizza, whiskey and chocolate. Whatever happens, you won’t care by 11 a.m. By 2 p.m., you’ll be sharing inappropriate photos with your old English teacher.
Aquarius: Know what you want in life and go after it, whether you’re zooming like a My Little Pony Ferrari or put-putting down the trail on a moped. It will wait for you, mainly to laugh and point.
Pisces: You’ve never been keen on the ‘fame’ part, but the ‘fortune’ sounds nice. Thanks to your latest project, you’ll slice off a bit of both, plus some cheese, with that sharp wit. Stock up on crackers and wine.
Aries: Forget about a bucket list; try a thimble list, because you’re not going anywhere and you have some mending to do. This time, don’t sew your mother-in-law to the station wagon.
Taurus: The night is silent, but your brain won’t shut up. Tell it to start its own journal or YouTube channel, as long as it lets you sleep. You’ll probably wake up during the Blush Comparison Make-Up Tutorial video, though.
Gemini: Usually the universe is stingy around you, but on Friday it throws you its wallet and says “Have a blast.” While you’re tempted to blow it all on candy unicorns and good wine, save a little for necessities, like spandex and cheese curls.
Cancer: If you bring a knife to a gunfight, it’s because you plan to stay out of the line of fire and keep score on a nearby picnic table. Use your best penmanship, or you’ll get pelted by paintballs too.
Leo: Sometimes life can feel like a big scene from a movie everyone has seen, except for you. It never hurts to pause the action and grab a script; you don’t want to end up on Karma’s blooper reel.
Virgo: You have all the moves but none of the jazz. Take some rhythm lessons before you break out that next routine. Otherwise, someone might mistakenly rush you to a priest to be exorcised.
Libra: People say “sorry” is the hardest word, but it’s not. It’s impossible to say the word “judicially” without sounding drunk, which is why you use it in every conversation to cover up your five-martini lunches.
Scorpio: Superheroes get sidekicks; sidekicks get hilarious mascots; and mascots get you. No need to vent over it, at least you’re in the comic book, and you get to ask why the Hulk always keeps his pants.
Sagittarius: You’re a tough nut to crack, but someone brought an emotional hammer. Let out those feelings, because they’re so tasty when mixed with chocolate.
Capricorn: Your path would be brighter and easier to walk if you occasionally take your head out of your own butt. Your pants would fit better, and you’d get more compliments, too.
Aquarius: Some days you’re a rich, dark roast perfectly brewed, and other days you’re just vaguely brown and tasteless water. The days you really have to worry, though, are when the coffeemaker reaches sentience and begins its world domination plans through Skynet; that’s the day to go out for coffee.
Pisces: Your problems are like candy bars: break them down into pieces and devour them until they’re gone. Hopefully, there’s some coconut, peanut butter or caramel in there, too, because conquering your fears should come in a delightful array of flavors.
Aries: You have style, you have charm, but do you have insurance for all those hearts you’re breaking? Enjoy the attention, but watch out for jilted lovers and less-than-vigilant laws on taser-equipped crossbows.
Taurus: An idea is waiting for you like a prize Easter egg out in the open; scoop that bad boy up before anyone else notices it’s filled with chocolate, money and naughty photos. Forget the goose who laid it, hook up with one big bunny to keep those treasures coming.
Gemini: Your temper flares on Thursday, probably because someone ahead of you bought the last bear claw at the bakery or spilled coffee on your crotch. Let it go and save up your righteous anger for people who cut you off in traffic.
Cancer: Set aside that baseball bat, because Saturday requires finesse instead of force. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.
Leo: You stumble across a treasure this week. Know in advance if you will return it or keep it, because the moment of truth requires a split-second decision. You’ll either get a parade or a purse-whacking from an angry old lady.
Virgo: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.
Libra: You’re on the right path, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and hungry ferrets with a taste for toes. Step up that research for a jet pack, because those flip flops aren’t going to work.
Scorpio: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.
Sagittarius: A better day is heading your way. Set out the cookies and punch, and maybe spray some Febreeze around the living room, just to make it feel welcome.
Capricorn: Is there caffeine in the water supply? No, it’s just you having a good hair day and those Buns of Steel DVDs are paying off. You make everyone’s heart beat a little faster on Friday.
Aquarius: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.
Pisces: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.
Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.
Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.
Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.
Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.
Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.
Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.
Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.
Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.
Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.
Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.
Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.
Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.
Aries: If someone offers to clean your clock, don’t invite them in and ask if they can do the sofa and the rug, too. Once you have a black eye, you’ll be the one who’s steamed.
Taurus: Every one has a secret, but not all secrets should be told. You can blab about the big tough guy down the street, but you should be scared silly of the little grandma down the street with the knife collection.
Gemini: Now’s a good time for soul-searching, especially since they’re nothing notable on TV. Stare into your belly button and do some mental lint-picking. It beats the new show CSI: Lemonade Stand.
Cancer: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn’t give them free range to absorb yours and leave you blank-faced like a Westworld bot. Tell your friends to get their own thoughts, and keep their sticky fingers out of your brain.
Leo: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.
Virgo: If you knew your ‘Friends’ television trivia better, you wouldn’t be dodging golf balls on a driving range this Tuesday. Next time, don’t offer to caddy for a cowboy with a grudge.
Libra: Everyone else has the latest wireless tech, and you’re left holding your own dongle. Get with the crowd and step away from the flip phone, otherwise you’ll be the only one touching that dongle for months to come.
Scorpio: If you can’t recall any outstanding accomplishments that don’t involve a mugshot, you may just be on this planet as a cautionary tale for others. Have some t-shirts printed saying “Don’t be like me,” for those times when you’re too drunk to say it.
Sagittarius: A tainted tree bears no fruit, but you’re just giggling over the word “taint,” aren’t you? Don’t say you weren’t warned about karma’s temper on Friday.
Capricorn: If the world feels dark and clammy and you can’t see any friends on the horizon, you may have your head up your own butt. Untangle yourself and get some fresh air. Your friends may even come back after you shower.
Aquarius: You’re a paper clip; you hold everything together, but you’re wound pretty tight. Let yourself get bent out of shape for the right reasons, like resetting an mp3 player or picking your ex’s lock.
Pisces: It’s fine if you need a vacation away from the world; no one has a tricked-out brain like you. Let everyone else rage while you enjoy IMAX surround-sound of your favorite naked Ryan Reynolds dream.
Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.
Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.
Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.
Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.
Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.
Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.
Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.
Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.
Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.
Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.
Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.
Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.
Aries: You reclaim something from your past; could be a lost love, or a million-dollar movie idea from your 8th grade diary. As long as its not that poodle-perm you rocked in the 80s, you’re good.
Taurus: Don’t worry about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Tasers come in tiny lipstick cases now. You can zap the jerks without them ever seeing it coming.
Gemini: Some people have their best years ahead of them because they keep their photo albums on the coffee table. Yours are out the door and down the path less taken. Wear comfy shoes.
Cancer: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the spiked brownies are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.
Leo: If you’re determined to walk around with something up your butt, buy a thong and be done with it. That way, you have no one to blame—or thank—but yourself.
Virgo: You may think you don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but your liquor store receipts and phone records say otherwise. At least get an app to keep yourself from drunk texting your ex and your old gym teacher.
Libra: On Thursday, you’re more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Relax and feel free to strut your stuff, just watch out for someone else’s pointy ends.
Scorpio: For you, happiness has been harder to find than a Kardashian without an Instagram. Practice that duckface, because the universe is about to like your selfie.
Sagittarius: If you let all your stress go, the only thing holding you together is the frayed elastic in your underwear. Buy yourself some new bloomers before you snap.
Capricorn: Friends keep you from being lonely, support you when you’re sad, and also let you see what you would look like if you fell asleep on their couch and had a Victorian mustache drawn on you with a Sharpie. Maybe you should just get a goldfish.
Aquarius: This year you will find love, you will stumble upon fame, and you’ll trip over fortune. Be glad there’s not more coming your way, or all that goodness might put you in a body cast.
Pisces: When the path seems long, feel free to ditch those hiking boots and try out your latest winged flying contraption. You may not make it far, but you’ll entertain dozens of people when you jump off the roof and flap.
Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.
Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.
Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.
Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.
Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.
Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.
Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.
Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.
Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.
Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.
Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.
Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.
To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!
Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.
Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.
Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.
Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.
Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.
Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.
Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.
Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.
Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.
Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.
Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.
Pisces: You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.
Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.
Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.
Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.
Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.
Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.
Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.
Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.
Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.
Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.
Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.
Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.