You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘wisecrack zodiac’ tag.

Aries: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.

Taurus: Don’t drink the Kool-Aid your co-worker is offering, unless you want to end up in a white robe selling flower seeds door-to-door. You might ask them for their Kool-Aid recipe, though. You could use some minions of your own.

Gemini: You’ll savor a delicious Monday, a fresh, artisanal Thursday and a Friday that’s crap unless you cover it in Sriracha. Good thing you have a home-cooked Saturday in the freezer.

Cancer: Lately, your life’s been stranger than a sugar-free Candy Land game. Sweeten the pot with an old-fashioned taffy pull. You may not win the race, but you might ace the tug-o-war.

Leo: If you have a spring in your step, it probably means you’ve stomped through the Slinky display at the toy store. Don’t dig it out of your shoe yet; that’s the bounciest you’ve been in weeks.

Virgo: You used to worry about a little bird spilling secrets all around town, but now they’ve gone global on Twitter. Either clean up your act, or pray for bird flu.

Libra: Your deepest, darkest secret ends up on Instagram. You could hide away in embarrassment, or re-brand yourself as an inspirational influencer and grab yourself a million-dollar book deal.

Scorpio: Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the mail this week; it could be money, or a box of mismatched socks your great aunt Louise found behind the dryer. When life doesn’t give you cash, you can always make sock puppets.

Capricorn: You’re so impatient on Friday, even instant coffee takes too long. Shift into a lower gear, before the local barista gets tired of your sass and smacks you with a bag of ancient biscotti.

Aquarius: Things are looking up, especially since you bought that stepladder. Go ahead, reach for the top shelf in life, because that’s where all the good cereal and liquor is kept. Enjoy your breakfast of gourmet Rice Krispies in craft beer.

Pisces: Some think you can’t see the forest for the trees, but you’re just trying to whack your way out of the thorn bushes down the hill. Keep swinging that machete, eventually you’ll see a tree or an exasperated forest ranger.

Advertisements

Aries: It’s time for a good, long look into your soul. Bring a flashlight and some snacks, because this could take awhile. Remember to pick up all your litter afterward, otherwise an empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis.

Taurus: You discover the secret of life, the universe, and everything, but you’re sworn to secrecy. It’s just as well, people would doubt your sanity if you mentioned the tiny mice in lab coats.

Gemini: Sometimes the universe has a good day at work, so you get a special prize box filled with awesome goodies. Write a thank-you note on Wednesday, and slip it into the universe’s lunch tote.

Cancer: Go ahead, be all you can be, but realize there are some things you can’t be. Like a goldfish, a rhombus, or sympathetic toward the Kardashians.

Leo: You have a mighty roar, but you also have a rather cute meow. Quit straining those vocal cords, and use your kitten charms to get what you want on Friday. There will be catnip.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, but you still need to pay up if you want that 100-inch screen TV. Grab your elbow pads and helmet, because Black Friday is around the corner.

Libra: Step carefully; your sweetie is dropping hints, and you’re likely to trip over a pile of them in the hallway. Get a box and collect them all like Pokemon, so you’ll finally have a clue.

Scorpio: Hiding your feelings is like sticking a melon baller down your pants. It’s cold and awkward, but after a while you get used to it. Pull out those emotions and run them through the dishwasher before you share.

Sagittarius: The universe may not cough up money on your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of opportunities on you this week. Brush up your resume’ and get a flu shot.

Capricorn: If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful, like a sorcerer or the tech nerd who can fix your computer. Stock up on Red Bull, sushi and massage oil.

Aquarius: You have something stuck in your craw, but that’s okay. It’s time to power wash those old opinions out of there anyway.  Put on goggles and hand the hose to your BFF. Hey, what could go wrong?

Pisces: When you asked the universe for a sign, you didn’t expect it to smack you over the head with one. Tell Karma you get the message, before it turns into an old lady beating you with her purse.

Aries: You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus.

Taurus: When one door closes, another one opens.  Quick, stick your hand out and catch it, so you can sneak out of the house without the kids.

Gemini: An unusual situation leaves you speechless. Remember, use your words. When that fails, whip out that giant American Gladiator Q-Tip you keep in your locker for emergencies.

Cancer:  Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.

Leo: The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jetpack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.

Virgo: Truth travels with strange company, and there’s no one stranger than your in-laws after a few rounds of Bloody Marys. Either mix their drinks weak, or excuse yourself from the room when they start reminiscing about their wild swinging days in the 70s. You can’t scrub those images out of your head with a steel brush.

Libra: That great idea you have is a misdemeanor in seven states unless you get a signed waiver from a raccoon and three turtles. Stock up on strawberries, batteries and your neighbor’s garbage once the paperwork is done.

Scorpio: A great journey begins with just one step, and you’ve tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.

Sagittarius: Your boss has an uneasy question for you, but that’s okay. You have an unsettling answer. Remember to wipe down the copier after you photocopy your butt and wallpaper his office in hiney portraits.

Capricorn: You’re only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you’ve erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they’re too weak from binging ‘Stranger Things’ to chase you to the Upside Down.

Aquarius: There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.

Pisces:  Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Bactine.

Aries: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the secret handshake? Limber up those fingers before your next promotion review and show them what you got. Just don’t use the one gesture that landed you in traffic court.

Taurus: There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. Right now, though, your mind is more like an open potato chip bag than a steel trap. Work on it, so it will snap at the right time.

Gemini: This week, you get the extra special rare package of rainbows and a pot of gold if you know where to look. So stop checking out that cutie’s butt and listen to the leprechaun tugging at your sleeve.

Cancer: No one likes a smarty pants, but there are no rules about having clever socks or a brain-enhanced shirt. Put on your thinking cap when you shop, so you’ll know what to match.

Leo: In the middle of a rainy day, the sun shines bright only on you. Slap on the sunscreen and enjoy it, but be prepared when someone tries to smack you with their soggy umbrella.

Virgo: That month-long Netflix binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.

Libra: The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.

Scorpio: Stop what you’re doing; you may like it, but the penguin has other ideas. Next time, look a little harder for a date who has a tuxedo before agreeing to go to your cousin’s wedding.

Sagittarius: You think you know all the answers, but who has the right questions? Seek out a drunk philosopher, or ask a toddler when they wake you up at 5 a.m. You’ll get all the questions you can handle.

Capricorn: Life is an uphill battle, and a downhill slide. You need to be in the middle, selling swords, shields, sleds and hot cocoa to both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming or going when you’re making enough to retire on.

Aquarius: One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your phone to avoid “Now who’s THAT guy?” from your sweetie.

Pisces: You’ve never been a Barbie or a Ken; you’re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your particular brand of crazy this week.

 

Aries: Saturday will be a good day for you, if you remember these words: “rechargeable llamas.” Don’t slip up and substitute alpacas.

Taurus: Dance like no one’s watching, because they aren’t. Your moves may be painful to the naked eye, but they are original. Keep some Advil on hand for those who try to sneak a peek.

Gemini: The skies are clear, and you have a new idea, so run up that test balloon. Remember to do it far away from storm drains and creepy clowns, though, unless you’re prepared for screaming and running.

Cancer: Usually you’re like rose petals across skin, soft and lovely. On Thursday, though, you’re a paperclip under the tongue: uncomfortable, pointy and useless. Hang on, Karma will spit you out soon enough.

Leo: Your candle is burning on both ends, the middle, and you just added three wicks on the side. Time to unwind and blow out a few of the flames before you turn into a wax puddle.

Virgo: You are sugar and spice with hot sauce thrown in for flavor. Next time someone thinks you have no bite, kick ‘em in the Tabasco and make ‘em howl.

Libra: All your big talk has backed you into a corner. At least you’ve found two quarters, five dust bunnies and you now know where the dog has peed when you’re not home.

Scorpio: You’ll experience the finer things in life this week. It could be art or dining, or the pile of traffic fines waiting in your mailbox. Next time, don’t roar through the farmer’s market on your scooter while wearing only goggles and a smile.

Sagittarius: The good life has passed you by, but you still have a shot at the “it’s not so bad” life, which is filled with irregulars, knock-offs and store brands. Lucky for you, the universe has a double coupon day.

Capricorn: You’ve folded so many times, you look like an origami model of a black hole. Escape your own gravity for a change and try something new. Fun will iron out your creases.

Aquarius: Lately, life has been a box of cereal: all bran, no marshmallows. That changes on Saturday, when someone new shows up and excites all your fruity bits. You’ll even feel like licking the spoon.

Pisces: People think you’re inching along, but you feel like a tornado in a sloth suit. Slow down your mind for a few days and take care of yourself; you’ll be back up to speed—outside and inside—in no time.

Aries: Just because an old situation is water under the bridge doesn’t mean you should grab an innertube and go for a swim. Leave it alone and find a new puddle to play in.

Taurus: Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.

Gemini: You’ve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Don’t fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

Cancer: There’s a hot new honey coming into your life, so make sure you throw away all the undies with the holes in them. If you forget, say it’s the latest trend in sexy granny panty-lingerie and open an extra bottle of wine.

Leo: The universe is lined up right where you want it, so take that pool cue and go for the trick shot. You’ll win like you always do: with a wink and a kiss thrown to the crowd.

Virgo: On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix. Wear something loose so you aren’t caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. If you’re going to Chipotle, just wrap a comforter around you like a toga.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion on Monday. If you miss your boss with the dart gun, you still have a money-making opportunity. Charge each person ten bucks for a quick prick with the tranquilizer darts, and everyone will have the best staff meeting nap ever.

Scorpio: Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: there are too many forks and you forgot which spoon you’re supposed to use for the kale Jell-O. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff.

Sagittarius: When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is “Put me down!” Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or you’ll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.

Capricorn: If you love something, set it free. It will be easier to track with that GoPro camera around its neck and the microchip in its butt. Plus, you can sell ads on your new livestreaming YouTube channel.

Aquarius: Strike while the iron is hot, and you’ll never curl your hair while bowling again. Give up multitasking until the burns heal.

Pisces: Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You don’t have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. That’s how you get ants.

 

Aries: There’s a spring in your step this week. Either you have a new sweetie, or you just found a community of spiders living in your underwear drawer. Doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still going to need some new undies.

Taurus: Some shine like a diamond, but you shine like a fresh sheet of aluminum foil. Your sparkle only lasts until someone wraps you around leftover pizza. You may not catch everyone’s eye after that, but hey, free pizza!

Gemini: Spin that clock all you want, but you can’t turn back time. Set aside your mad scientist projects, because looking good will require extreme measures like eating broccoli and occasionally separating your butt from the couch.

Cancer: Little birdies are telling you tall tales; what you think is a dove of peace turns out to be a stool pigeon. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers.

Leo: The only way you could love yourself more is if you lived in a disco ball warehouse. Someone should tell you to back away from all those mirrors, but gazing at your own reflection keeps you out of everyone else’s business.

Virgo: Trust your gut; it was right about that pumpkin spice tuna sushi from the gas station, and it knows what you need to do about your situation now. Stock up on patience and Pepto-Bismol.

Libra: The stars had something planned for you, but then Sirius the dog star ate the paperwork. So…whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, especially if it’s good. The universe will make it up to you after a certain mutt goes through cosmic obedience school.

Scorpio: You’re looking good and feeling sassy on Wednesday.  That new shirt will earn you some free drinks and envious glares from everyone in the office. Bask in your own glory.

Sagittarius: You may not remember that wild night of margaritas and the massage chair at the mall, but that’s why your friends have phones. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on Facebook.

Capricorn: Life is like those magic jelly beans from Harry Potter: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat.

Aquarius: Just when you’re ready to steal the show, you discover it’s rigged with alarms and guard dogs. Add a few pork chops and wirecutters to your dance routine, and they’ll never know what hit them.

Pisces: Turn that frown upside down, and you’ll get dizzy from standing on your head, fall over, and accidentally kick a frenemy into a water fountain. Now that will make you smile for real.

Aries: You’ve brought a banana to a gunfight, but that’s okay. The other person brought granola and milk. Turns out you’re both really bad at identifying weaponry, but excellent at breakfast.

Taurus: A work situation has you worried. Relax. Your boss did join Instagram, but he probably won’t recognize his own car in all your ‘arty’ nude photos. Still wouldn’t hurt to freshen up your resume’, just in case.

Gemini: Change is coming! First it’s the nickels, next, the dimes, and finally you find a cache of quarters. Don’t complain about your bounty; scoop it up and head to the casino.

Cancer: Everyone has to start somewhere, but the PTA fundraiser isn’t the place to launch your stand-up comedy career. Those soccer moms don’t appreciate Botox humor, and they can fling a wine bottle 30 feet.

Leo:  You’ve microwaved the remote control, and you’re trying to change the TV channel with a frozen burrito. Either get more sleep, or better hallucinations. If you can actually hallucinate the final season of Game of Thrones, there could be money in it for you.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you learn a secret. It’s a thick, juicy one, so don’t overcook it in your head. Let it sizzle until Friday before you serve the gossip to your friends. Mmmm, delicious.

Libra: You have some explaining to do on Monday. No one may want to hear about corporate llama holdovers and provisional tax liabilities for ferrets, but you have information in your head that must come out. Bring donuts to ease everyone’s pain.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been Superman in a Kryptonite bathroom: no matter how hard you try, you can’t get the job done. Fly off to your Fortress of Solitude with some espresso and a case of prunes; you’ll have a fresh new outlook when you return.

Sagittarius: Your underwear is starched and the car radio is locked on the all-polka station. Figure out what you did wrong, and fast, before your sweetie steps up the revenge and invites the in-laws to stay for a month.

Capricorn: That hottie you just met is a fixer-upper. You don’t need long-term plans, but you can go all HGTV, spackle them in the right places and then flip them for a better model.

Aquarius: No one will ever know what happened last weekend if you pay off the bartender, the plumber and the guy who sold you that vat of organic coconut oil and three alligators in halter tops. You may need to bribe the gators, too.

Pisces: When one door closes, a window opens. Either your teenager is sneaking in past curfew, or the cats have finally developed thumbs and are heading out for nighttime mini-golf.

Aries: Just when you come up for air, a seagull bombs your head. Poo bombs may be good luck, but they really screw with your hairdo. Dogpaddle toward land and you’ll be out of the line of fire.

Taurus: When you don’t get what you want, it’s called experience. When you do get what you want, it’s called luck. When you get what someone else wants, it’s called opportunity. But first, you’re entitled to one free chant of “neener neener.”

Gemini: In the book of life, you’re a dog-eared page with some Diet Coke spilled on it. You may stick to everything that comes your way, but at least you know you contain someone’s favorite words.

Cancer: Your boss doesn’t appreciate all those late hours you’re putting in. Next time, do some actual work at your desk, instead of re-creating a casino buffet in Minecraft.

Leo: There’s joy in every moment, once you know how to squeeze it out. A garlic press works, or you can let the dog sit on it, as long as you don’t mind using a lint roller on your happiness to get the fur off.

Virgo: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield, but on Tuesday the world aims lower and you’re picking Texas-sized mosquitoes out of your grill. Try to keep your mouth closed the rest of the week.

Libra: No one appreciates your talents, but that’s because they’ve never seen a solar-powered butt warmer with pinwheels and wi-fi before. If they don’t fall down laughing, give them a brochure. They could become an investor.

Scorpio: Wednesday will be like a roll of tape. Once you finally get it started, it’s useful for a few minutes. After that, you get it stuck on your shoe and drag it around until you go to bed.

Sagittarius: You wish life would give you lemons. Right now it’s only giving you rock-hard Tootsie Rolls that have been in someone’s purse for ten years. Be grateful it’s not giving you old, unwrapped cough drops.

Capricorn: The best things in life aren’t free, but they are fifteen percent off because you found a great coupon in the parking lot. Use it on double coupon days and you’ll enjoy a very self-satisfied bowl of shredded wheat.

Aquarius: Enjoying fall is great, but you should stick to autumn-themed lattes and pastries. Using pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream or salted caramel foot fungus spray will just earn you dirty looks in the locker room.

Pisces: New opportunities open like blooming flowers in front of you, but you’re worried one will be a Venus Flytrap with an appetite. Enjoy the bouquet, but pack some weed killer in your pocket.

Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.