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Aries: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel better? Good. Quit annoying your family this week with your tuba death metal and you’ll be allowed to keep breathing on a regular basis.

Taurus: You have all the best moves, except for that third one. That particular move may attract an amorous moose. At least you and the moose enjoy the same Netflix shows, so it could work out.

Gemini: Let a smile be your umbrella, an ear wiggle be your cell phone, and a tongue be your car keys. You’ll look weird and you’ll talk funny, but at least your pockets will be much lighter.

Cancer: Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot teach, lead. Those who cannot lead, end up in middle management and plan four-hour meetings to discuss the color of the water cooler, so bring your phone to distract yourself at the staff meeting on Thursday.

Leo: Its fine if you decorate your happy place with swords, pit traps and ninja stars, just don’t invite anyone over for tea; they’ll be jumpy for days. Some things are meant for you alone.

Virgo: You’re feeling more out of place than Barney the dinosaur in a Game of Thrones episode. Once you avoid all the pointy things, lay low and you might get a date with a dragon.

Libra: Hitch your wagon to a star, and you’ll get great gas mileage. Be careful, though; very few wagons offer seat belts and stars occasionally take sharp left turns. Pack a parachute.

Scorpio: Someone tries to pick a fight with you on Tuesday, but your best move is to laugh it off. If they ask why you’re giggling, tell them you saw their paycheck stub.

Sagittarius: You think you know what’s best, but that’s because you haven’t seen the universal Sears catalog of awesomeness. Check out page 42, it will change your life forever.

Capricorn: Love finds you when you least expect it. Tell it to wait outside, until you’re done looking through Twitter while sitting on the toilet. Sometimes love needs boundaries.

Aquarius: You’re having such an incredible streak of luck, even the mice are cheering you on. Don’t worry about why they’re in your car, just admire how cute they are with their little pompoms and foam #1 fingers.

Pisces: You don’t have to chase life with gusto, but you can skip after it with a bit of cheer. Start slow; your legs aren’t used to all the unfamiliar exercise.

Aries: Sometimes when you reach for your dreams, you grab the cookies instead. Before you glue yourself to the couch, try reaching for a smaller dream on a lower shelf to keep your motivation up.

Taurus: The universe broke the mold when it made you. Too bad it didn’t wait until after you were done. Don’t worry if you’re a little cracked, you’ve been that way all along.

Gemini: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Cancer: Happiness is a warm puppy with a few hundred dollar bills tucked in around its collar. Feel free to play and snuggle, just don’t ask the doggie where he’s earning his cash at night.

Leo: Opening up your heart to others is easier if you have a crowbar handy. Things are a bit rusty, so oil the hinges too, and maybe buy a few new throw pillows for company.

Virgo: Find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love involves really old billionaires with loose morals. Good thing you take CPR classes along with your yoga.

Libra: You’ve been inside so long, Netflix is about to cut you off. Find your shoes and head outside. If you can navigate your way to the street, maybe you can hire the neighborhood kid to cut your lawn so you can find your way back.

Scorpio: You don’t have to be the life of the party, but you can definitely be the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You’re sweet, and you don’t tear up people’s mouths like that Cap’n Crunch dude.

Sagittarius: There’s no “I” in team, but there is meat. So if you’re a zombie or you’re just really devoted to your paleo diet, Wednesday’s staff meeting will be especially good for you.

Capricorn: Know yourself and you’ll never be alone at a soiree; you can always keep up with your own sparkling wit and conversation. Good thing, too, because everyone else is giving you a very wide berth.

Aquarius: Thursday is a good day to rid yourself of things you don’t need, so change the locks before your brother-in-law comes back. He’s more comfortable in his van down by the river anyway, and you need a mancave for football and knitting.

Pisces: You don’t have to be a reflecting pool and mirror other people’s emotions. Be your own storm and slap the morons with a well-placed wave and the occasional sharknado.

Aries: If you haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, it’s because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when you’re having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If there’s an angel on your shoulder, he’s only there to ask directions. Listen to him while he’s perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think you’re ready to spring something new on your boss, but you’re not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, you’ll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry can’t compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Don’t forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: You’re quick to judge others’ shortcomings, but you haven’t spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone else’s life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all A’s in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: You’re still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while you’re in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.

Aries: Feel free to take a chance on Friday, just remember to give one back next week so the “Take a chance, leave a chance” dish isn’t empty for someone else needing it.

Taurus: A bird will answer your question on Tuesday. It could cheep, peep, tweet or just flip at you. No matter the method, you’ll get the point.

Gemini: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re not. You forgot to set the parking brake on your car, and everyone has their phone out, recording your coupe doing a Thelma & Louise off the cliff.

Cancer: All good things must end, so they can take a breather before they start up again. Give the goodness in your life a brief break so they can have a snack and put their feet up.

Leo: Forget about the man in the mirror and be more concerned about the camera behind the glass. Is it the CIA? KGB? Or just the newest season of Big Brother? Find out so you know whose butt to kick.

Virgo: Soar among the clouds, and you’ll be dodging geese, camera-packing drones and chicken sandwiches in rockets. Sometimes it’s safer to just take the bus to your dreams.

Libra: Knowledge comes from the outside, wisdom comes from within and sarcasm is like sand in your swim trunks: it goes everywhere. You can try to dig it out, or just squeeze your butt cheeks and turn it into a pearl.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like a sumo wrestler in Spanx; something’s got to give, and innocent bystanders shouldn’t be around when it happens. Give everyone a heads up before you pop.

Sagittarius: Don’t bother to explain yourself. If people can’t understand a TV remote, they won’t get you. Just change your own channel and leave them stuck in an informercial for copper-studded jockstraps.

Capricorn: Your job takes an interesting turn on Monday, crashes into a road sign on Wednesday, stalls out on a railroad crossing on Thursday, and comes out of the body shop with a fresh paint job on Friday. Congrats on another typical week.

Aquarius: Something you’ve yearned for will finally happen. It could be a big break in your career, or those Chicken & Waffles Oreos you’ve dreamed about for years. If you work in a bakery, it could be both.

Pisces: You’re filled with new fire, but don’t reach for the heartburn medicine just yet. This time it’s a flame of inspiration and ambition, and it will goose you into a much better tax bracket. Remember your flame-retardant Underoos, and all will be good.

Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

Aries: Look deep inside and do some mental housecleaning. In the couch cushions of your mind, you’ll find an old Blockbuster receipt, two ancient Skittles and a weird memory from summer camp.  Toss all of that, spray a little Febreeze and you’re fresh as a daisy for the weeks ahead.

Taurus: Tuesday presents you with an opportunity. You can encourage it to bloom or stomp on it like an errant weed.  It wouldn’t hurt to develop some gardening skills, so life could smell a little sweeter.

Gemini: Time moves fast, but so do lizards on the sidewalk. Both can be fun to watch if you hold still for a few minutes, especially when that lizard runs up the pants leg of your snobby co-worker.

Cancer: Nobody’s perfect, but you could aim for at least being semi-normal once in a while. If you don’t, Karma will slap an “irregular” tag on you and ship you off to some discount outlet store.

Leo: Take a breath. Take another. There, now you have some oxygen getting to the brain and you can see how bad your new plan is. Think up something new, and keep that breathing habit.

Virgo: Thursday is fine, but Friday gooses you like that weird guy at the bus station. Keep an eye on it, and your back to the wall.

Libra: If you stay on the straight and narrow, you’ll never learn to handle the curves. Get out and find a crazy new road, so you’ll see what this baby can do.

Scorpio: Stop and smell the roses, but don’t get too close. There’s a bee named Merle who has it out for you because he saw what you did in the garden last month.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the moth, some days you’re the flame, and other days you just wonder who started this fire in the trash can. Don’t worry, you’ve had three cups of coffee; you know how to put it out.

Capricorn: Admit it. You’re tired of the same old crazy. Head over to the conspiracy singles mixer and pick up a brand new crazy; you’ll both look great in tinfoil hats.

Aquarius: Time to get into shape for bikini season! You’ll be on your third sit-up when you realize your best shape is a trapezoid. Good thing you bought a very stretchy thong and some water-resistant tassels.

Pisces: You believe your thoughts make beautiful music of the mind but in reality, it sounds like two mice having a wild party on a keytar.  Good thing is, you can still dance to it.

 

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.

Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Aries: You have a mind that just won’t quit, but it really needs to take a coffee break before it has a meltdown. Give your brain a day off before you end up heavily medicated and holding crayons with your toes.

Taurus: A day without you is like a day without sunshine. Let those around you have a nice, rainy afternoon watching Netflix and eating pizza. After all, they can’t miss you if you’re not gone, and they’ll unlock the garage door for you in the morning.

Gemini: Use your superpowers on Friday to get that big deal you want. What superpower? You know, the one no one ever sees because you don’t want to end up on the news. It’s okay, though, just this one time, because the reward is worth it.

Cancer: Some days you’re the flower, other days you’re the sneeze. Either way, some allergy meds will make Wednesday easier. Or you could just take Benadryl and skip from Tuesday to Friday.

Leo: Inner peace isn’t always about finding a mountaintop and gaining wisdom from a lofty guru. Sometimes it’s knowing you had the restraint to not smack the idiots around today. Good job.

Virgo: To thine own self be true, but feel free to dish out little white fibs to everyone else. Your weight, politics and secret love for the Backstreet Boys will remain your own.

Libra: People say you’re an open book but frankly, you’re not even a one-sided pamphlet. Get some hobbies and conversation skills before you turn into an episode of reality TV.

Scorpio: Someone is rattling your cage, but you know something they don’t; you have the key. Step outside with a smile, and watch them wet themselves before they head for the hills.

Sagittarius: The universe wants an explanation of what you did last Tuesday. This time, don’t blame the dog. Karma knows he can’t drive or throw turnips; and the traffic camera definitely caught your best side.

Capricorn: If your step feels lighter, it’s because Karma is trying to lift your heavy butt over the rough spots. Help it out with some muscle power, instead of dragging your feet and complaining.

Aquarius: Watch out on Saturday. A bad-tempered ferret is coming to town, and it knows what you look like. Stock up on good whiskey and prepare your best distracting small talk.

Pisces: Opportunities fly at you fast, but don’t duck and run away. Grab a helmet and start whacking those suckers out of the park. You could score a pocketful of home runs before the day is done.

Aries: The path not taken is calling to you, but you shouldn’t listen to things when you can’t see where they keep their brains. That goes for unruly trails, old diaries and the odd boss now and again.

Taurus: Take a deep breath. Now another. Like that? Quit messing around with something you shouldn’t. Whether it’s a locked safe or an innocent-looking hottie, you could speed past the planet of pleasure and end up in a world of hurt.

Gemini: Shhh! The walls have ears. And a few buck teeth. Don’t discuss secrets while you’re hanging out in the mad scientist’s castle, go down to the nearest Starbucks instead. All you have to fear there are overwrought hipsters and unicorn coffees.

Cancer: It’s always darkest just before dawn. That’s because Dawn carries three high-beam LED flashlights, a portable spotlight and a sunny disposition. Whatever funk you’re in, she can see the way out.

Leo: It’s easy to get wrapped up in a line of thinking, but occasionally your brain needs a breeze. Loosen those mummy bandages and air out your gray matter; you might spot a better, less tangled method to your madness.

Virgo: Reconsider that thing you’re planning on Thursday. The thing on Friday is fine, though. And the thing on Saturday isn’t completely horrible. If you can’t keep your things straight, it’s time for a new calendar or better underwear.

Libra: Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Also, someone stuck a giant bow on Monday. It’s probably socks. Hey, no one ever said the present was a good gift.

Scorpio: Your co-workers rally around you this week. Either they think you’re about to be promoted, or you’ll be fired in a glorious drama-fest that involves dancing on the boss’ desk. If you can’t keep your cool, pass out the popcorn early.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be beautiful to get ahead in this world, but it does distract the idiots so you can get things done. If you can’t look better, tape a photo of Ryan Reynolds to your back so everyone has something to stare at while you work.

Capricorn: Find your happy place, and you’ll be okay by yourself. Do it right, and you won’t even need accessories or the batteries than run them. You’ll glow on your own.

Aquarius: A helping hand is always appreciated, until it tries to grab you where it shouldn’t. Bend a few of those fingers back and they’ll learn to not touch your shoulder tattoo of Spongebob riding a taco in a thunderstorm.

Pisces: The world changes, and it’s hard for you to keep up. Helpful hint: tube tops and hammer pants should only be worn to Walmart, the DMV or around the house. Change into your best latex jumpsuit for PTA meetings.

 

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