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Aries: From a tiny acorn, a might oak will grow. Hide under some leaves until you take root, and watch for squirrels. With luck, you’ll be reaching for the sky or end up as a lovely end table at the crafters market.

Taurus: Watch out for strange ferrets bearing gifts. They never guess your right size, and they always forget the receipt.

Gemini: The people who say “no pain, no gain” must have stock in the ibuprofen industry. Quit smashing yourself over the head with that giant hammer and things will clear up.

Cancer: Look at the person on your left. They have a secret. Tickle them until they spill it, so you both have something awkward to bond over during the day.

Leo: Success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but who wants a cracked, beat-up achievement? Seek out something twisted instead. That’s more your speed.

Virgo: Tough times call for tough people, but mix in some kindness. After you lay down the law, tuck it in with a teddy bear and a nice bedtime story.

Libra: It’s fine to watch the new 50 Shades movie together, but try that thing with the spoon and you can forget any forking for a while. Your honey might like that spatula trick from the racy romance novel The List, though.

Scorpio: You’ve always gotten by on the sweat of your brow and the skin of your teeth, so a good facial and dental appointment are really in order. Treat yourself, and let your personality do the heavy lifting for a while.

Sagittarius: Every day, you take one step forward, two steps back. You may not make progress, but your dance moves are improving. Throw some hip action into your routine tomorrow.

Capricorn: Things are tense with your boss, but you can make it better with your famous Chocolate Drizzle Fudge Cake. This time, leave out the Ex-Lax, and your week will be much smoother.

Aquarius: Excitement awaits you on Friday, but why make it stand outside in the cold? Invite it in for some cocoa on Thursday while you find the perfect outfit in your closet for bikini bowling in the snow.

Pisces: New opportunities are like cats: they’re never where you expect them to be, and they will knock stuff off your table if you ignore them. Give them your full attention this week.

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I started Wisecrack Zodiac in 2008, and it’s been the little blog that could for ten years! To celebrate, here’s one of the first horoscope columns from February 2008. It’s a bit of retro fun for you all. Thanks for reading and following! Here’s to the next ten years!

Aries: If you keep looking under rocks for love, you won’t find anything that will survive in sunlight.  Stand up, wash the mud off and take a walk. Cupid hits you when you least expect it, far away from naughty newts.

Taurus: Time to update your worldview; even Henry VIII would call you old-fashioned. Open a window to your mind and be patient: it takes time for all that dust and mildew to clear out.

Gemini: This week, you’re the angel of inspiration, spreading great ideas far and wide. Take a few for yourself, so when you feel the devil of distraction tapping on your shoulder, you can ignore his Facebook game invites.

Cancer: You need to go out dancing this weekend, but you’re wound too tight. If you shake your groove thang, you’ll pop a cog. Loosen up with a few disco moves by the photocopier. With luck, the boss will ask you to start your weekend early.

Leo: Music soothes the savage breast, but nothing can tame that vicious tushie of yours. Pull those leather pants out of the closet and strut your stuff on Tuesday.

Virgo: You’re feeling finer than frog hair on Thursday, and nothing can stop you. Still, slow down with the attitude around your sweetie, or you’ll be toad off.

Libra: Decisions can be hard, but it’s much easier if you pin “yes” and “no” tags on your kids, wait until they wrestle, and tell them the winner gets a new Lego set. Take that, Magic 8-Ball.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to be the brussel sprouts to your steak, and that won’t work. Tell them to either find a nice tofu to love, or step up and become the baked potato of your dreams. Extra points for sour cream and butter.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the clothes pin, other days you’re the wire, but on Friday you’re the extra large granny panties blowing in the wind. Find out who’s hanging you out to dry and snap their elastic.

Capricorn: Usually you’re sugar and spice and everything nice, but this week you’re packing some extra cayenne and habanero. If your coworkers try to bite off more than they can chew, you’ll make their eyes water.

Aquarius: As a water sign, you know your way around the pool. It’s time to get out and try something new on Saturday, though, because you’re all pruny and you need to find your land legs again.

Pisces: The world isn’t fair, and you’ve kept the receipts. Time to throw out that extra mental paperwork. The universe is asking you to trust it, so let go and fall back into its arms. After the team-building, there will be a buffet.

 

Aries: You can fly like an eagle, or crap on cars like a pigeon. One is a lofty goal, but the other means you’ll always be entertained. Plus, you can steal tacos from picnics, so that’s a double win.

Taurus: A watched pot never boils, but no one needs to watch you; your highest speed is a low simmer. Crank up the heat on Saturday and steam up some kitchen windows.

Gemini: An opportunity on Thursday doesn’t look like much, but it’s the inside that counts. The sweet, gold-layered, jackpot inside. Sometimes the best rewards wear the ugliest clothes.

Cancer: You know what you want, now how are you going to get it? Forget all those crazy plans and go with something reliable, like a trained ferret, a walkie-talkie and a six-foot-tall bag of cheddar flavored popcorn.

Leo: Being the center of attention is your natural state, but this Tuesday you’ll get better reception if you step two feet to the left. It’s okay, the lighting is better there and you’ll look even more awesome.

Virgo: On Monday, your life is indeed like a box of chocolates. Every time you grab a new piece, someone’s thumb has already been inside. Go ahead and enjoy it anyway; at least you’re smart enough to not eat the Tide pods.

Libra: You’re so used to taking one step forward and two steps back, that’s how you walk now. It’s handy for dance moves, but makes crossing the street a challenge. Find a Boy Scout to spot you for the next few days.

Scorpio: Not every challenge requires you to suit up and charge at it. Sometimes you need to slide into someone’s messages and charm your way past. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and polish up that chain mail.

Sagittarius: You may be bored at home, but if you visit the cathouse, you’ll spend a long, cold time in the doghouse. Behave yourself, or sweetie may break out that shock collar again.

Capricorn: Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Chickens hate to miss out on math problems, it’s one of their favorite hobbies aside from chasing you around the barnyard. After they’re hatched, though, feel free to ask them to do your taxes.

Aquarius: Some situations come down to a roll of the dice, but forget Vegas; your future is being determined by a group of D&D players. Throw the karmic dungeonmaster off his game by rescuing the dragon. You’ll blow the Universe’s nerdy mind.

Pisces: Fear is like a cloud of bloodthirsty mosquitoes, draining you and making you itchy. Time to break out the bug spray and head for higher ground. It’s amazing what you’ll accomplish without that constant buzzing around your head.

 

Aries: You’re not the type to sulk, but your toes are swollen from kicking all the furniture. Go ahead and admit you’re wrong before you get rug burn on that pouty bottom lip. Apology is good for the soul and better for your injured body parts.

Taurus: There’s no time like the present to accomplish your goal, unless you have a time machine. If so, you have all the time you want and the ultimate project to take on Shark Tank. Hello, money!

Gemini: Doubt roars into your mind like a drunk grizzly bear in a bikini. Either play dead until it’s gone, or tell it that you’d love to take its Tinder photo and run away while it’s choosing the perfect filter.

Cancer: Knowing what you want is fine, but getting it will be the tough part. Try to oil the wheels of progress with cash, chocolate or beer. If that doesn’t work, time to give up those Hamilton tickets.

Leo: Relax. The only one expecting perfection is you, and that’s a trick no one can pull off. Put up your feet, let your hair down and barricade your door so no one sees your one weird beauty trick.

Virgo: You know what you did, now how can you make it right? You could bring flowers, but go the extra mile and do that thing with the coconut oil and sparklers. Your sweetie will give you a big hug as soon as the flames die out.

Libra: Tuesday is so bright and shiny, you hate to take the plastic wrap off. Go ahead, it becomes even better when you play with it, and it doesn’t even need batteries.

Scorpio: You won’t find your soulmate at the bar on Saturday night, but you might find them at the pizza joint. If they offer you the last garlic knot, you’ll know they’re a keeper.

Sagittarius: Work stress is turning you into a supervillain, ad you’re one clown short of an evil army. Pick Marjorie in HR, she probably knows her way around exploding red noses and volcano lairs.

Capricorn: Stubborn may not be your middle name, but it’s definitely written in the birthmark on your left foot. If you hold your ground this time, though, you won’t have a free hand to catch a passing opportunity.

Aquarius: Usually when your stars align, they spell out ‘tough luck.’ On Friday, there’s a new message in your celestial inbox and for once, the Universe isn’t cursing at you.

Pisces: You want to be a gorgeous peacock, but you feel more like a plucked chicken. Be brave; someone thinks you have beautiful plumage, and that’s a feather in your cap.

 

Aries: Instead of taking action, you’re dragging your feet. Expect a nasty shock on Thursday when you finally trudge across the deep pile carpet and open a door.

Taurus: You don’t walk in quiet beauty as much as you skitter in static disarray. Go find your other sock, take your underwear down off the ceiling fan and tackle the day ahead.

Gemini: There’s a treasure out in the open, and you’re the only one who spots it. Be cool, and try to restrain yourself from dancing in the streets. You can let out all that excited shrieking after you’ve scooped up that gold and made it your own.

Cancer: While everyone else is climbing Mount Everest, you’re the only one with a jetpack. Give them all a headstart before you fire it up and zoom up to collect your prize.

Leo: You don’t want the answers given to you on a silver platter, but you’re not adverse to Karma dropping a few hints on a paper plate. Treat Wednesday like a picnic, and the Universe will give you more than a scoop of potato salad.

Virgo: Don’t worry about being a diamond in the rough; you’re more like a cubic zirconia on sale at Target. You’ll still shine, you’ll just have an afterlife on eBay instead of getting pawned.

Libra: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Scorpio: The path ahead isn’t easy, but you’re okay with making progress while cleaning up someone else’s mess. Just remember to yell “What? Am I the only one in this office who knows how to change the toilet paper?” so everyone knows your worth.

Sagittarius: Some days you want to go where everyone knows your name, other days you want to eat your soup in peace. Try taking it on the bus; no one wants to be close to your zebra-butt and leek stew there.

Capricorn: A watched pot never boils, but it does seethe with teenage angst and rebel because it think you don’t trust it enough. If the pot stomps out of the house to spend time with its friends, be glad you still have the skillet.

Aquarius: Everyone needs a hand occasionally, but you didn’t expect so many middle fingers. Next time, just high-five them and leave them to grouse about it on Facebook.

Pisces: You’ve been paralyzed by fear so often, you have a cramp in your foot and a charley horse in your brain. Take a deep breath and a tiny step forward. It will all come back to you as soon as the pins and needles stop.

Aries: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Taurus: You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for a Real Housewives reunion. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Gemini:  January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re caught up on your shows at the end of the year and you still have a pulse, you won.

Cancer: Taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Leo: You don’t need money to make your resolutions happen. All you need is a SnapChat account, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a open-minded earthworm rancher. Just let the magic happen.

Virgo: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Libra: Congratulations! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Scorpio: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Remember to take everyone’s phones away first, so there’s no photo evidence.

Sagittarius:  To everything there is a season, but  idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Capricorn: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, empty that treat closet.

Aquarius: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, grab your grouchy pants and jump back in the can with Oscar.

Pisces: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. Those new gym clothes are perfect for Netflix and pizza.

 

Aries: You’re as snug as a bug in a rug, but maybe that rug is too snug. And did you just feel a spider tickle your leg? Get out of that rug and go jogging. The exercise will keep you warmer, anyway.

Taurus: It’s easy to mime all the words, but you need a change of tune. Get yourself off the “oh-woe-is-me” station, and onto something cheerier, like the tragic country song channel. Or showtunes.

Gemini: No one needs to ask if you’re ready for the new year. You’re about to jump it, bite it on the neck and shake it like a squeaky dog toy. Remember to wipe off the drool before you present it to your sweetie.

Cancer: You feel like a million bucks, but your look is only worth $2.38. Exchange all those ugly Christmas sweaters from your family and get yourself something more flattering, like a zoot suit and a piano tie. Now you’re stylin’.

Leo: The winners’ circle is so familiar, you have your own chair permanently reserved. This time, offer it to someone who’s never been there before. You may be out of the spotlight for a few moments, but you’ll score some major Karma points and maybe a free snack.

Virgo: With the wind at your back, you’ll make great progress riding or sailing, but the trip will be rough if everyone behind you had the triple chili dog special for lunch. Either ride faster, or get friends with better digestion.

Libra: A leopard can’t change its spots, but it can connect the dots. Get out your crayons and take off your clothes; the New Year is about to become very entertaining. Leave your fuzzy socks on, though; it’s cold.

Scorpio: Some days you’re classier than caviar on crystal, and other days you’re a Pop Tart on a paper plate. This week you’re the latter, with strawberry filling, and everyone wants a bite.

Sagittarius: Adventure used to be your middle name, but now it’s dropped down into the list of past aliases. Grab a jacket and your keys and head out to a new experience. Don’t forget your phone, of course. Duh. New experiences have to be Instagrammed.

Capricorn: You’ve always said you never take offense and that’s true: you’ve never nicked someone’s barbed wire. But you might punch the guy who just insulted your soufflé.

Aquarius: If you’re tired of jumping through hoops, grab the whip and chase the ringmaster. He can’t escape you, because all that leaping has been awesome for your thigh muscles, and you can make him do a few jumps of his own.

Pisces: Life has ups and downs, but you’re used to moving sideways. Flex those muscles, and get ready to climb upward for the new year.

Aries: The days may feel short and dark, but there’s a brighter tomorrow around the bend. Keep on the path, and don’t step on any Legos. You don’t want to hop and cuss into your lovely, shiny future.

Taurus: You know the music, but it’s time for some new steps. Get out there and shake your groove thang in an exciting and different way. It doesn’t matter if people laugh; at least they notice you.

Gemini: The new year is coming, and you don’t have a single goal to wear. Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy in your zero-resolution sweatpants. While everyone’s working out at the gym, all the ice cream will be yours.

Cancer: You’ve never been the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but you do see the appeal of love ‘em and hide from ‘em in the garage. Pro tip: the wi-fi signal is pretty good out there.

Leo: You could listen to wisdom, but where’s the fun in that? Get the opinion of the guy on the corner wearing a trashcan helmet and making “vroom vroom” sounds. He seems to know all the strangest answers.

Virgo: This year may have worn you down like a pack of caffeinated squirrels, but you still have a bit of hope in your heart, and some chocolate in your pocket. Congratulations, you just won 2017.

Libra: Others may want you to fly like an eagle, but you know your true self is to hop around and mock others like a self-satisfied crow in the yard. Who needs lofty heights when you have a world of free entertainment around you?

Scorpio: You may feel light-headed, but the bulb is definitely burned out. Switch to a high-beam LED replacement, and your “Aha!” moments will be much brighter, even if all that light shows how dirty your mind really is.

Sagittarius: Someone’s decided to be the dog doo floating in your fruit punch. Dump the bowl over their head and pass out vodka -infused juice boxes instead. Your party is one thing they can’t ruin.

Capricorn: Some people shine bright like a diamond, and others are interesting like a rare fossil. You’re more like the rock thrown through someone’s window by a crabby neighbor. You fly well, but you should work on your message.

Aquarius: You don’t need New Year’s resolutions; you’re awesome the way you are. Share that with your co-workers by suggesting how they could improve themselves. There will be only a 33 percent chance they’ll slash your tires and your time card.

Pisces:  Celebrate, because your groove is finally back! Duct tape a tracking device to it so if you lose it again, you can just clap your hands and listen for the beep.

Aries: After years of trying, you’ve finally found your own voice. Too bad it sounds more like Pickle Rick than James Earl Jones. Practice alone in the bathroom before your big speech. Don’t worry, everyone thinks that’s the least objectionable thing you do in there.

Taurus: To thine own self be true; everyone else you can fib a little a bit. Except your grandma, because she can slap the truth out of you with just a cocked eyebrow. Don’t test her.

Gemini: Your coincidences have been so weird lately, even the dude behind Murphy’s Law says “Duuude.” Lay low for a few days and quit trying to tempt Fate; she’s hungry and looking for a snack like you.

Cancer: The early bird gets the worm, but who wants something that wiggly for breakfast? Be the late squirrel that stumbles out of the tree with bed fur and staggers into Starbucks for some decent coffee. If you’re lucky, they’ll also have those scones you like.

Leo: It takes time to heal, so if you can’t get back in the saddle, you can at least scoot around in a Big Wheel for a while, and just follow the horse on Instagram. Looks like he’s enjoying his vacation.

Virgo: You have a big job ahead, so get those hands dirty. Just make sure you have plenty of Wet Wipes when you’re done making mud pies. It’s easier to deny you threw them when your hands are nice and clean.

Libra: What goes around comes around, but if it keeps happening all day, you may be trapped on a carousel. Are you hanging onto a sculpted giraffe and trying not to throw up? If so, jump to safety and apologize to the baffled gentleman you just landed on.

Scorpio: Keep reaching for the stars. You may not accomplish your goals, but your back will be very limber and stretched out. A relaxed spine is just as good as a fulfilled dream.

Sagittarius: You’re not someone’s cup of tea, but you might be their Red Bull with a little vodka mixed in. You won’t go to the family reunion, but they will definitely want you around at the office Christmas party.

Capricorn: Find the beauty in every day, like the fact that Helen from sales is dragging toilet paper on her shoe, or Ralph’s creepy emails somehow landed in the HR inbox. Not that you had anything to do either. No. Not you.

Aquarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening. Just don’t take up a musical instrument, because trumpet practice makes everyone mad.

Pisces: You’re on automatic lately, and that’s fine. At least you’re on the go, so stay in the slow lane until all the fun gears kick in.

 

Aries: You’re flying high, but someone wants to cut you loose. Learn to focus on where you’re going and where you’ve been, otherwise your kite will end up in a tree, no strings attached.

Taurus: You’ve gotta crawl before you walk, and walk before you run, but there’s no prerequisite for just rolling around in mud and self-pity, so your week is wide open.

Gemini: If you’re convinced you can leap over buildings in a single bound, you need new shoes or new meds. Treat yo’self on Friday and get both. The sidewalks will be much safer afterward.

Cancer: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. That horse has much better taste. Fix him an appletini and you’ll have your promotion in the bag. Along with some sugar cubes.

Leo: You’re the little engine that could, but even you need some time off the tracks now and then. Find a nice tunnel and play around with some new maneuvers after dark.

Virgo: Not only can you handle the truth, you can bop it, sock it, juggle it and twist it into balloon animals. Tell everyone to step back on Thursday, so your awesome doesn’t splash on their shoes.

Libra: Everyone needs a little love, but you’re digging in some weird places to get it. Put down the shovel, send the canaries home and head out with friends. Cupid loves to target herds on the move.

Scorpio: You can try to explain yourself, but unless you provide maps, diagrams and a Klingon-to-Esperanto dictionary, it won’t work. Just keep doing your thing; people around you will either get it or they’ll call the cops. Either way, you’ll have an audience.

Sagittarius: The best things in life may be free, but the things you want to rub people’s noses in require cold, hard cash. Time to start up your one-person polka band/poetry reading business again.

Capricorn: Think about what you really want this week. Visualize it, hold it in your mind. Got it? Great, now forget that. You’re getting something completely different. Hope you like sticky kids, discount Santas and flirting with the stockboy at Target.

Aquarius: Don’t be flattered if someone says you’re the wind beneath their wings. They called you a bird fart, which means if they stink, they’ll blame you. Drop ‘em on their feathered butts and find a new gig that doesn’t require you holding your breath after lunch.

Pisces: The best is yet to come, but it won’t get here any faster if you tap your toe and stare at the horizon. Relax, have a beer. You’re on Karma’s time and she loves a parade.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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