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Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.
Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.
Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.
Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.
Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.
Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.
Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.
Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.
Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.
Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.
Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.
Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.
Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.
Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.
Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.
Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.
Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.
Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.
Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.
Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.
Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.
Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.
Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.
Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.
Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.
Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.
Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.
Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.
Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.
Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.
Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.
Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.
Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.
Aries: No matter where you go, there you are. Unless your GPS needs updating, in which case you’re located two miles away near a creek or a stoplight. Recalculate and go find yourself.
Taurus: The brightest star can’t compare with the shining example you’ve become. Breaking open a thousand glow sticks and painting yourself was artistic, but getting to sleep will be a challenge for a while.
Gemini: There’s nothing but blue sky ahead of you, which is unsettling because you’re sure you were driving a car just a few minutes ago. Looks like you’ve discovered the Weasleys’ magic ride; remember to stay securely fastened until you land.
Cancer: All’s fair in love and war, but the PTA is a free-for-all. No one would blame you if you snuck laxatives in Ms. Perfect’s brownie mix for the big bake sale. In fact, it would clear the air in more ways than one.
Leo: You can take advice from a rabbit or a turtle this week, but the big question is: when did you start hearing animal voices in your head? Listen to the concerned wombat and get your medication levels checked.
Virgo: Everyone needs a little help now and again. You just didn’t expect it from such an unlikely source. Who knew Tinder could be used to check your kale smoothie recipe? Next time, ask that fit dude if he has any great ideas about sausage stuffing.
Libra: You’re not sure whether the light in that tunnel is an oncoming train or a speedy Road Runner with a flashlight strapped to his helmet. Either way, get out of there, because you’re clearly outwitted.
Scorpio: They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but sometimes that one step is a journey by itself. Aren’t you glad you moved the fridge into the living room next to your recliner?
Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, like the feeling of knowing your teenager is searching desperately for their phone, and you’re sitting on it. The buzzing from all those texts is starting to tickle your butt, though.
Capricorn: Wednesday is an excellent day to get what you want, so boldly stride into that building and demand extra sprinkles on your half-mocha soy caramel sea salt eggplant cappuccino. You’ve earned it.
Aquarius: You realize that you’ve been on Facebook for 47 hours and you can’t remember the last time you saw a face or a book. Go outside and see if you can hold an actual conversation.
Pisces: Lock yourself in a quiet room. Hear the sounds of nature outside your window. Listen to the birds. There, you’ve finally got that Adele song out of your head. Oops, spoke too soon. Rats.
Aries: Some days you’re the star of your own show, other days you’re just a face in the ensemble. Square up those Spanx, kiddo, because you finally get your close-up on Friday. Play your cards right, and you won’t get bumped off for a younger, hipper character.
Taurus: Love makes the world go round, but passion causes it to quiver on its axis. Find what makes you whirl, be it man, woman or sexy pizza rat. Just don’t choose Pokemon cards again, your parents are embarrassed enough as it is.
Gemini: Life is for the living, which is handy, because zombies really don’t care. Go out and show off those curves in a glitter tube top and bike shorts. The undead can’t make fun of you, they’re all staring at their phones.
Cancer: You know what you want, it’s time to go and get it. Don’t worry, the universe knows how you are and is sending you a coupon for it. Destiny is great, but a good deal is even better.
Leo: Be cool when your dreams come true this week, unless it’s the one about Benedict Cumberbatch and the jar of Nutella. In that case, feel free to squeal out loud. Everyone will understand.
Virgo: No matter how hard you try, you can’t run like the wind. The breeze has no feet. Grab a jet pack and chase the wind on its own turf, just watch out for tornadoes and the occasional bird strike.
Libra: Your boss has a Woody for efficiency, but that’s okay, because filing gives you a great Buzz. Maybe you two should meet after hours and discuss your Toy Story addiction while no one else is around.
Scorpio: It’s good that your job keeps you on your toes, even if it does make you walk funny. At least when you step in dog poop, it’s easier to clean off your shoe.
Sagittarius: Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. They can laugh all they want at your failures, as long as they pay to see them. Just wave at the crowds when you pass by in your Cadillac, right before you crash it into a Wienermobile.
Capricorn: When life kicks you in the butt, turn around and demand “Who made you the boss of me?” After it bashes you in the face a few times, buy it a beer and steal its wallet while it isn’t looking.
Aquarius: Be brave, be smart, be bold, and you’ll end up the most boring person at the Christmas party. Grab that lampshade and give yourself something to regret on Instagram tomorrow.
Pisces: Even when things are going your way, they take Apple Maps to get there. Hang on tight, unless you have to dodge traffic.
Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.
Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.
Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.
Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.
Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.
Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.
Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.
Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.
Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.
Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.
Aquarius: Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.
Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.
Aries: Don’t complain about the breeze between your knees if you’re wearing a kilt in a wind tunnel. Some things you bring on yourself, like chapped butt cheeks.
Taurus: It’s not easy admitting you’re wrong, but it’s even more difficult to give a TED talk on the physics of blindfolded pole dancing. If you’re limber and smart enough, great. If not, just hope your pasties stay in place.
Gemini: Karma isn’t just slipping you a goody bag of opportunities, it’s dragging a Santa-sized sack to your door. Whatever you had to kiss to get there, it was worth it.
Cancer: You can make a statement without saying a word, and every eye will have a tear. Maybe next time you’ll rely on your soulful gaze instead of the five-alarm cabbage chili you had at lunch.
Leo: When the prize is at the bottom of the cereal box, you just turn it upside down and open it up. On Wednesday, quit flipping your Count Chocula and eat the whole box first, like a normal person. The sugar rush is part of the fun.
Virgo: If you knew Victoria’s secret, you would tell it. You’re in a chatty mood, so warn people upfront to not share military intelligence or the color of their underwear with you unless they want it on Instagram.
Libra: Work has been awkward since the incident with the canned spaghetti and the photocopier. Make amends by replenishing the office’s paper towel stash and promising to never interrupt the boss’ three-way in the supply room again.
Scorpio: Life is a parade, and you’re stuck with a broom, walking behind the horses. Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer.
Sagittarius: A single moment on Thursday leaves you breathless and light-headed. A toddler jumping from the couch onto your chest will do that. Maybe you should find a different place to practice your yoga.
Capricorn: Autumn leaves are falling from the trees, and the bare limbs bring some clarity to the neighborhood. Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show.
Aquarius: You know the answer before someone asks the question, and now you’re the go-to guru for sage wisdom. That’s good, because “what kind of dress should you put on a monkey for a first date” isn’t something Google is equipped to handle.
Pisces: You have moments of serene inner peace, punctuated by long stretches of seizing panic. You can decide to not sweat the small stuff or ask the doctor to up your meds. Either way, life is more pleasant.
Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder. Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.
Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.
Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.
Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.
Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.
Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.
Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.
Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.
Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.
Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.
Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.
Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.
Aries: A watched pot never boils, unlike your toe fungus. Quit staring at your feet and tackle a situation head-on. You’ll be so high on success you won’t worry about people’s comments when you wear those strappy sandals.
Taurus: Take heart, people don’t need to know your name to make you famous. After Thursday, you’ll be forever known as That Dude Who Dropped His Cola and Mentos in the Toilet and Had to Move.
Gemini: Everything’s coming up you, which sounds great but is a little disturbing when all the flowers in the yard have your face in them. Feel free to prune your hedges, but take your meds first.
Cancer: Your office feels like a jungle today. Instead of being jumped by a cougar at the watering hole, tie a few snakes together and swing past the nearest Starbucks. You might be called into Human Resources for inappropriate snake-tying, but the latte will be worth it.
Leo: There’s a new challenge lurking behind Friday. You can either tackle it and kick its butt or run naked and screaming through Saturday night. Either one will provide valuable stress relief.
Virgo: You find your mojo behind a half-eaten Twinkie in the couch. Dust it off and wear it proudly this weekend to attract new hotties. The mojo, not the Twinkie. That would only attract ants.
Libra: Monday looks impossible, but never fear, because you have a plan! Now you only need to find 64 D-cell batteries, a clock shaped like Barry Manilow and a very laidback zebra.
Scorpio: If you can find the bright spot in any scenario, there’s likely someone behind you with a laser pointer. Feel free to call them on their crap, right after you catch that dot.
Sagittarius: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, except the guy who ordered it with two-day shipping on Amazon. Luckily for you, the comfy chair is delivered first.
Capricorn: It’s fine to dance to the beat of your own drum, as long as the drummer isn’t a three-armed gorilla tapping out Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” in Morse code. That will take some explaining while you’re waiting in line at the DMV.
Aquarius: Inside of every plus-size beauty is a bunch of organs and blood vessels and some very lovely feelings. Whoever told you there was a smaller person in there really needs to read an anatomy book. Unless, of course, they are pregnant. In that case, carry on, it will come out on its own.
Pisces: Life is not like the TV remote: you can’t be in control of it all the time. Just let go, fall into the Universe’s arms and hope that Karma isn’t checking her Twitter messages on her phone instead of catching you.
Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.
Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.
Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.
Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.
Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.
Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”
Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.
Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.
Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.
Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.
Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.
Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.