Your forecast for the week of March 4

Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.

 

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Your forecast for the week of Jan. 28

Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but nowhere to do it. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama outlawed dancing, so you’ve got a lot of Footloose energy to spread all over town this weekend.

Taurus:  Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.

Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.

Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.

Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.

Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.

Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.

Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.

Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.

Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.

Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.

Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.

Your forecast for the week of Dec. 18

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2019 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweatpants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 12

Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

Your forecast for the week of Sept. 10

Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket.

Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That’s just the universe’s way of saying “Thank you for playing” and giving you a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize.

Gemini: If life is a roller coaster, you’re inching up to the top. This fun has been a long time coming, so hold those arms up and get ready to scream.

Cancer: Don’t do anything drastic at 2 p.m. on Monday. That’s when your guardian angel sees his therapist, and he really needs the whole hour, especially after that llama mishap.

Leo: Life can be beautiful, especially if you make it wear the blonde wig and tell it to go easy on the makeup. Take your existence out for a hot date and show it a good time. You won’t regret it.

Virgo: If someone can read you like a book, it’s only because you’re in large print. Play hardcover-to-get and change up your font. Everyone loves a mystery.

Libra: It doesn’t take much to make you happy on Saturday. That’s good, because not much is all you’re going to get. Keep loving the little things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

Scorpio: Sometimes you run as fast as you can, but it still feels like life is passing you by. Don’t worry, the next ice cream truck will be playing your song. Throw a few nails out in front of it and you’ll finally catch your reward.

Sagittarius: Forget about stacking the deck in this new relationship; your sweetie is pretty stacked already. If you add anything more, they’re likely to fall over, especially in those shoes. Just smile and enjoy.

Capricorn: You don’t want answers, you just enjoy sneaking up on the questions and wrestling them down like surprised alligators. Watch out for the death roll of moronic theories, and work those opinions until they tire out.

Aquarius: Just when you’re getting a handle on a situation, the bottom of the box gets wet and everything hits the pavement. Nothing’s broken, so just brush the dirt off that cupcake and give it to the boss.

Pisces: You’ve been like a set of Russian nesting dolls, pulling your world tighter and tighter around yourself until you have a wedgie of the soul, which is one of the worst wedgies to have. Break open the mold and go party with some new friends, like those trampy Barbie knockoffs across the aisle.

Your forecast for the week of July 30

Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner your sweetie refuses to give up. Could even be enough luck to get rid of that recliner, too.

Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.

Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bull puckey drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your crap detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.

Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive a few minutes of national TV time when someone discovers lost photos you forgot to pick up at Walgreen’s in 1998.  Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird dude in Batman mask and underwear” last forever.

Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses. Your nose will appreciate the change in fragrant scenery, although your thumbs will hate you if you forget about the thorns.

Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop doing those nasty things to your boss’ coffee. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.

Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Build a bridge and get over it, and karma will let you cash in as toll-taker.

Sagittarius: You know your fears so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. You’ll have fewer snacks, but more peace of mind.

Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.

Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space while you’re pulling into it, all bets are off.

Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. Opportunity won’t care what you’re wearing when it knocks, as long as you’re decent enough to answer the door.

Your forecast for the week of July 2

 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

Your forecast for the week of June 25

 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Your forecast for the week of April 23

Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

Your forecast for the week of March 26

Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.

Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.

Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape.  Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.

Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.