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Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.
Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.
Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.
Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.
Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.
Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.
Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.
Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.
Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.
Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.
Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.
Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.
Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines. Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.
Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.
Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.
Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.
Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.
Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.
Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.
Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.
Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.
Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.
Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.
Pisces: You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.
Aries: If wishes were horses, they would really mess up your carpet. Wishes are actually helium balloons someone has rubbed against their leg and attached to your head. When you’re annoyed enough, you’ll finally work to make them come true.
Taurus: You can wait for good things to come to you, or you can find out where all the good things are made and get hired. The employee discount is awesome if you don’t mind occasionally dinged opportunities.
Gemini: Wednesday should be savored slowly. If you try to gobble it down fast, it will burn you like a microwaved burrito and you’ll look like a pug with its tongue hanging out for the rest of the week.
Cancer: To some, the glass is half-full, others see it as half-empty. You just want to know why there’s water in your glass instead of whiskey. Call over the waiter and get that straightened out.
Leo: That crazy plan of yours? Don’t try it until Friday and even then, wear thick gloves. Jalapeno jam and fake fur is very hard to wash off but it’s such a good look for your boss.
Virgo: There’s no stopping you, which means you may slam into your next opportunity instead of slowing down and cruising past. Thank goodness for karmic air bags.
Libra: You don’t have a lust for success, but you wouldn’t mind seeing it dance in glitter and a g-string. Maybe a lap dance with a better attitude will make your interest rise.
Scorpio: You can be born to greatness, or just find it at a flea market and sell it on eBay. It didn’t fit you anyway, and you’d rather have the money for a new 50-inch TV.
Sagittarius: Feeling fidgety and feverish? Have yourself checked for butt monkeys. They’re more dangerous than the Zika virus, because Zika can’t crawl out and trash your house while you sleep.
Capricorn: From small seeds, great things can grow and bloom, but they really shouldn’t be growing in the shower stall. Clean that bathroom grout before the greenery turns into Seymour.
Aquarius: If you love something, set it free, especially if it’s a relationship partner who eats your pizza and watches YouTube videos all day. Sometimes setting something free means dropping it off at its parents’ house and changing your locks.
Pisces: Life is like toilet paper: when you’re used to it rough, experiencing something soft and luxurious blows your mind. Get used to it, because your brand is changing to something much cushier on the tush.
Aries: The old year had much to teach you, but you sat in the back and shot spitballs at the chalkboard. Sit up straight and pay attention to 2016, and not just because it roars in with a whip, a chair and pop quizzes.
Taurus: To thine own self be true, but around everyone else, feel free to fake it. If you can’t be charming offer a reasonable facsimile until a good mood smacks you in the forehead again.
Gemini: You’re on a new adventure, so make sure you’ve packed healing potions, med packs and a few extra lives plus any cheat codes you can find. Daily life can make D&D or HALO look like a walk in the nerd park.
Cancer: If someone says your best is not enough, walk right up to them, pull out your inner Brando and yell “STELLA!” That way, they’ll be temporarily deaf while you tell them what you really think of their opinion. Also, update your resume.
Leo: Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars. You won’t be able to grab them, but it’s a terrific stretch for your back. Sometimes ambition is better than yoga.
Virgo: You know all the wrong answers to all the right questions. It won’t get you very far in life but you’ll be more fun to be around. Everyone needs a drunken ferret wrangler’s number in their phone.
Libra: You can follow your heart or your head, both have decent GPS. Just don’t follow directions from anything lower down; that doesn’t follow a map to success, just a cheap road trip to WhoopeeTown and a side road to Penicillin.
Scorpio: Today may seem a mess, but don’t worry, It’s nothing that a trained wombat, a box of gluten-free pancake mix and two tickets to Bermuda can’t fix.
Sagittarius: This Tuesday is a shiny new hoverboard; it looks fun, but it will burst into flames when you least expect it. Sometimes falling off is the best solution, even if it does end up on YouTube.
Capricorn: Life is a series of beautiful accidents and a few really ugly coincidences. Know which is which before you strap on those beer goggles so you can wake up without screaming.
Aquarius: If you think out of the box, remember to save the receipt. You’ll need it when your latest scheme for wealth, power and world domination hits the fan.
Pisces: There’s nothing wrong with hiding under a rock. Sometimes you meet some very cool lizards there. You should squirm out every now and again for some sunshine, too, if for no other reason than to restock the tequila shelf for you and your new scaly friends.
Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.
Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.
Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.
Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.
Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.
Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.
Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.
Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.
Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.
Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.
Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.
Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.
Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but you’re up against a porcupine. If you’re determined to see that rose tattoo, buy a new first aid kit and perhaps a tetanus booster while you’re at it.
Taurus: Crap hitting the fan isn’t so bad when it’s one of those dollar store personal fans powered by a weak AA battery. You’ll be wishing for one of those when your personal load of doo-doo smacks a high-powered warehouse ventilation fan. Good thing you invested in a fire hose for easy clean-up.
Gemini: Not everyone’s chickens come home to roost. Yours have packed up and moved to the city for a shot at fame and fortune on TV. If you’re lucky, they’ll send you some seed money now and again.
Cancer: If someone gives you a lottery ticket, hold on to it. It may not win, but it will provide you with a good alibi after the strange ferret situation on Wednesday.
Leo: Your life is like an old-fashioned television set; sometimes the universe gives you a whack to straighten out the picture. Drop the static when you feel it, or you’ll get a few more karmic love taps.
Virgo: Others may hog the road, but no one knows the path as well as you. Take a thermos and some beef jerky along, because you’re about to get the fast track all to yourself.
Libra: You’re feeling as welcome as kale on a barbecue grill. You may not be steak but you can still sizzle, so work those weird leafy curves and make everyone regret passing you by.
Scorpio: If a tree falls in the forest and no one tweets it, did it really happen? Take a few selfies with your own log and you could be the busiest one on Tinder. Just hope it doesn’t go viral, because you’re out of antibiotics.
Sagittarius: You can’t change the past any more than you can build a log cabin with a spoon. You can, however, use that spoon to eat ice cream while you plan the future. Besides, everyone knows the best cabins are built with sporks.
Capricorn: Happiness is like dog poop: you’re walking through life, suddenly look down and there it is. At least inner tranquility is easier to get off your shoe and it smells better, too.
Aquarius: You may not be able to scale the mountain, but with a knife, some pliers and three other people, you can totally open a FedEx box. Celebrate your success by opening a jar of pickles and soak up all the applause.
Pisces: Forget the tortoise and the hare, they’re just obsessed with speed. Join up with the free-spirited quokka. You’ll still get there, but you’ll meet more people and have much more fun along the way.
Aries: Tit for tat has nothing to do with flashing and tattoos, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make some interesting exchanges this weekend. Whichever side you’re on, don’t forget the sunscreen.
Taurus: There is beauty in every single day, but you’ll never see it through a dirty window. Grab the Windex and start scrubbing; life will look much brighter when you can actually view it up close.
Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you do think up some rather entertaining questions. Start a blog or write a book; why be confused alone when you can confound the world?
Cancer:Logic may feel like a foreign country but the least you can do is learn the language. Quit thinking with your crotch and you may even earn a passport.
Leo: If everything’s coming up roses, don’t whine for marigolds. Enjoy your garden, even if it’s just a blooming onion on your plate. Ketchup, anyone?
Virgo: A one-in-a-million chance is heading your way on Friday. Sit out in the driveway with the butterfly net, because a shot like this is rarer than a 60 Minutes interview with Bigfoot. In fact, you might even need a camera crew with you.
Libra: There will be a moment on Thursday afternoon when you doubt everything you’ve accomplished in life. Ride that out, and your all-star chicken steampunk movie idea is on the fast track to success.
Scorpio: A co-worker comes to you with a problem on Tuesday. If you manage to keep a straight face and remove the toner cartridge from their underwear, you’ll win the day.
Sagittarius: You’re feeling more lost than Batman at a family reunion. Don’t worry about feeling out of place, just keep an eye out for the Joker bringing seven-layer bean dip and keep the Bat-Beano at the ready.
Capricorn: You’ve nearly finished a project, now it’s time for that last piece. If it doesn’t fit perfectly, grab the Super Glue, stick that sucker on and call it art. No one will know the difference.
Aquarius: Sometimes doing a great job means severely cutting back on your Internet cat video-watching time. It’s a sacrifice, sure, but if you earn more money you can afford better broadband for those weekend YouTube binges.
Pisces: Don’t freak out, but that weird feeling inside your chest isn’t a heart flutter; it’s contentment mixed with a dash of confidence. It’s not a superpower yet, but it can definitely make you do some amazing things this week.
Aries: Forget the bush, a bird in the hand isn’t worth the vat of Purell you’ll need afterward. Quit picking up dirty birds before you start scratching in odd places.
Taurus: You know what you need, you’re just not up for a trip into the dragon’s lair to get it. Be brave and take some cheese dip. Dragons love cheese dip.
Gemini: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.
Cancer: Your mouth is at full speed, but your brain is still stuck at the stoplight a few blocks back. Next time, have all your body parts carpool and you’ll stay out of trouble. For now, just smile and pay the fine.
Leo: You don’t want everything perfect, you just want it your way. Stomp all you want, it doesn’t change the spin of the Earth. Unless, of course, you get China to help.
Virgo: There’s laughter in your voice, but it’s not a pleasant giggle, it’s more like a crazed “Bwahahaha!” Take a few days off to decompress, before you start picking fights with superheroes whenever the mail is late.
Libra: When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade or you can stick those lemons in the freezer, then take them to the beach and throw them at jet ski riders who zoom too close to the shore. Either way, satisfaction.
Scorpio: Expect a little rain to fall in your life, but when the frogs, locusts and Justin Bieber rains down on your parade, it’s time to poke the universe with a stick. Make it a really long stick, so you can speak your mind and run.
Sagittarius: The trees are singing, the birds are blooming, and everything is right with the world. Medication refill day is the best, isn’t it? Enjoy your rosy outlook for a while.
Capricorn: You’re so tense, someone could set a charcoal briquette in your chair and it would be a diamond by the end of the day. You need to relax, but not until everyone in the office chips in for a bag of charcoal to supplement their retirement funds.
Aquarius: Some moths are drawn to flame, but you flutter straight up to the glowing, pulsing UFO. Wear extra heavy underwear so you won’t get probed and you’ll have a wild story to tell.
Pisces: You take one step forward, two steps back. Chin up, that’s not failure, that’s moonwalking. Get yourself some shiny clothes and a glove, and do it in style.
Aries: Most people grab the tiger by the tail, but not you. While you have him by the huevos, make it good, because you’ll need to run very fast when you finally let go.
Taurus: Friday is a dream come true. Too bad the universe picked the really weird dream with the swizzle sticks and the all-Bigfoot volleyball team. After you drink yourself to sleep, you’ll never look at ice cubes or sunblock lotion the same again.
Gemini: Life is filled with peaks and valleys but somehow you’ve found a deep, dark hole. Start climbing now, and in a few days the universe will drop a jetpack down to you. Karma is just waiting to see if you make an effort so it can give you a passing grade in gym class.
Cancer: When you face an ugly truth, don’t turn away. Give it a makeover and bring out its inner beauty, maybe slap some sequins on it, too. The truth is always easier on the eyes when it’s shiny.
Leo: It’s laudable that you want to help someone, but don’t grab them and fling them onto the shore like a ball of wet algae. Swim with them until they can touch ground again. But if a really big fish brushes against your leg, hey, they’re on their own.
Virgo: Spend some time this weekend by yourself, so you can probe your psyche with a sharp stick. It’s best to know your weaknesses and make them defend themselves. On Monday, your boss will have an even bigger stick.
Libra: You think you’re in a good groove, but it’s really just a deep scratch across an awesome DVD. Do a little buffing and polishing on your life so you can finally skip ahead to the next scene.
Scorpio: Keep an eye out for horseshoes and four-leaf clovers on Thursday, but leave the rabbits’ feet alone. You need an extra bit of luck but you don’t want to make the bunnies angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.
Sagittarius: If you think part of your life is missing, put on your glasses before you make a big deal out of it. Turns out everything was there the whole time, you just needed a little focus.
Capricorn: Big changes are on the horizon, but you’ll need to figure out if they’re galloping toward you or away from you. Feel free to chase them if you want, but don’t get underfoot.
Aquarius: You have a lot of eyes and thick skin, which makes you a perfect couch potato. Keep those peepers peeled and you’ll spot a perfect opportunity to become a smokin’ hot spud.
Pisces: You’re feeling more distracted than Gary Busey in a room filled with squirrels. Bribe a bushytail to show you the door so you can clear your head.
Aries: Wild horses may not get the truth from you, but a wild-eyed spouse with a fly swatter can. Erase your browser history and quit hanging out with loose-minded wombats on Chat Roulette unless you want to lose half your stuff.
Taurus: You’re not the fastest person; a distracted turtle could beat you in land speed records. Something sets a fire underneath you on Wednesday, though, and makes you move. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the jet flames coming out of your butt.
Gemini: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.
Cancer: Keep an eye on the guy in the corner. Yeah, over there. He looks shifty, unless he’s related to you, and then he’s definitely shifty. Hide the silverware and your one good pen.
Leo: When someone tries to ruin your scene, kick ‘em out of your snowglobe. Sometimes you don’t need a shake-up to enjoy the view.
Virgo: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, and they won’t, either, unless you tell them loudly and often. Develop a suitable lunchtime soliloquy and build up to a one-person show for the mid-afternoon office break.
Libra: Feeling lost? Quit seeking out gurus. Frankly, answers are overrated, but a few mind-bending questions can get your mind buzzing again. If you can’t think of any, ask a four-year-old.
Scorpio: Your sweetie has left you hanging so often, you carry a fold-away stepstool in your back pocket. Swing away if you want, but eventually you’ll need someone a bit more grounded.
Sagittarius: You may think you’re a full orchestra of fun, but actually you’re just a trained ferret with a kazoo. Ironically, that should be even more fun, so take a look at what you’re doing wrong. Also think about bagpipes.
Capricorn: You’ve been working so hard, you forgot how to play. Apologize to your family for the CandyLand meltdown and take them out to an amusement park. Better for them to be emotionally scarred by a giant-headed mascot than you, anyway.
Aquarius: When one door slams shut, it’s a loss of an opportunity. If they all slam shut, you left the air conditioning on all night again. Either way, it’s not rocket science, just turn the knob and get moving again.
Pisces: For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.