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Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

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Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.

Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.

Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape.  Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.

Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.

Aries: Instead of taking action, you’re dragging your feet. Expect a nasty shock on Thursday when you finally trudge across the deep pile carpet and open a door.

Taurus: You don’t walk in quiet beauty as much as you skitter in static disarray. Go find your other sock, take your underwear down off the ceiling fan and tackle the day ahead.

Gemini: There’s a treasure out in the open, and you’re the only one who spots it. Be cool, and try to restrain yourself from dancing in the streets. You can let out all that excited shrieking after you’ve scooped up that gold and made it your own.

Cancer: While everyone else is climbing Mount Everest, you’re the only one with a jetpack. Give them all a headstart before you fire it up and zoom up to collect your prize.

Leo: You don’t want the answers given to you on a silver platter, but you’re not adverse to Karma dropping a few hints on a paper plate. Treat Wednesday like a picnic, and the Universe will give you more than a scoop of potato salad.

Virgo: Don’t worry about being a diamond in the rough; you’re more like a cubic zirconia on sale at Target. You’ll still shine, you’ll just have an afterlife on eBay instead of getting pawned.

Libra: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Scorpio: The path ahead isn’t easy, but you’re okay with making progress while cleaning up someone else’s mess. Just remember to yell “What? Am I the only one in this office who knows how to change the toilet paper?” so everyone knows your worth.

Sagittarius: Some days you want to go where everyone knows your name, other days you want to eat your soup in peace. Try taking it on the bus; no one wants to be close to your zebra-butt and leek stew there.

Capricorn: A watched pot never boils, but it does seethe with teenage angst and rebel because it think you don’t trust it enough. If the pot stomps out of the house to spend time with its friends, be glad you still have the skillet.

Aquarius: Everyone needs a hand occasionally, but you didn’t expect so many middle fingers. Next time, just high-five them and leave them to grouse about it on Facebook.

Pisces: You’ve been paralyzed by fear so often, you have a cramp in your foot and a charley horse in your brain. Take a deep breath and a tiny step forward. It will all come back to you as soon as the pins and needles stop.

Aries: Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.

Taurus: You think the world is all about you. Here’s the deal; it is. You’re the only one who can change it, so quit pouting behind Pluto and fix your own orbit.

Gemini: Don’t curse the bucket when you step in it and get your foot caught. Karma’s just giving you a handy container so you can scoop up some opportunities this week. Take your foot out first, though.

Cancer: Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.

Leo: Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.

Virgo: While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.

Libra: You’re one rubber chicken away from being the oldest joke in the book. Toss the clown nose and go for something edgy; maybe some naughty skywriting will get you in the news. And you’ll always have the chicken for snuggling during those long winter nights.

Scorpio: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

Sagittarius: From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.

Capricorn: Change is good, but a dump truck of pennies can really put a crimp in your day. Step aside until the shower of small blessings is done, then grab some penny rollers and get to work.

Aquarius: You’re a lone wolf, but you’re definitely not blowing anyone down. Skip the pigs and find someone on Friday who’s worth all that huffing and puffing.

Pisces: You can dance to anyone’s music, but your best moves happen when you have your own beat. Grab that mixtape and get ready to shake those tailfeathers; someone important is watching.

Aries: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.

Taurus: Don’t drink the Kool-Aid your co-worker is offering, unless you want to end up in a white robe selling flower seeds door-to-door. You might ask them for their Kool-Aid recipe, though. You could use some minions of your own.

Gemini: You’ll savor a delicious Monday, a fresh, artisanal Thursday and a Friday that’s crap unless you cover it in Sriracha. Good thing you have a home-cooked Saturday in the freezer.

Cancer: Lately, your life’s been stranger than a sugar-free Candy Land game. Sweeten the pot with an old-fashioned taffy pull. You may not win the race, but you might ace the tug-o-war.

Leo: If you have a spring in your step, it probably means you’ve stomped through the Slinky display at the toy store. Don’t dig it out of your shoe yet; that’s the bounciest you’ve been in weeks.

Virgo: You used to worry about a little bird spilling secrets all around town, but now they’ve gone global on Twitter. Either clean up your act, or pray for bird flu.

Libra: Your deepest, darkest secret ends up on Instagram. You could hide away in embarrassment, or re-brand yourself as an inspirational influencer and grab yourself a million-dollar book deal.

Scorpio: Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the mail this week; it could be money, or a box of mismatched socks your great aunt Louise found behind the dryer. When life doesn’t give you cash, you can always make sock puppets.

Capricorn: You’re so impatient on Friday, even instant coffee takes too long. Shift into a lower gear, before the local barista gets tired of your sass and smacks you with a bag of ancient biscotti.

Aquarius: Things are looking up, especially since you bought that stepladder. Go ahead, reach for the top shelf in life, because that’s where all the good cereal and liquor is kept. Enjoy your breakfast of gourmet Rice Krispies in craft beer.

Pisces: Some think you can’t see the forest for the trees, but you’re just trying to whack your way out of the thorn bushes down the hill. Keep swinging that machete, eventually you’ll see a tree or an exasperated forest ranger.

Aries: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the secret handshake? Limber up those fingers before your next promotion review and show them what you got. Just don’t use the one gesture that landed you in traffic court.

Taurus: There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. Right now, though, your mind is more like an open potato chip bag than a steel trap. Work on it, so it will snap at the right time.

Gemini: This week, you get the extra special rare package of rainbows and a pot of gold if you know where to look. So stop checking out that cutie’s butt and listen to the leprechaun tugging at your sleeve.

Cancer: No one likes a smarty pants, but there are no rules about having clever socks or a brain-enhanced shirt. Put on your thinking cap when you shop, so you’ll know what to match.

Leo: In the middle of a rainy day, the sun shines bright only on you. Slap on the sunscreen and enjoy it, but be prepared when someone tries to smack you with their soggy umbrella.

Virgo: That month-long Netflix binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.

Libra: The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.

Scorpio: Stop what you’re doing; you may like it, but the penguin has other ideas. Next time, look a little harder for a date who has a tuxedo before agreeing to go to your cousin’s wedding.

Sagittarius: You think you know all the answers, but who has the right questions? Seek out a drunk philosopher, or ask a toddler when they wake you up at 5 a.m. You’ll get all the questions you can handle.

Capricorn: Life is an uphill battle, and a downhill slide. You need to be in the middle, selling swords, shields, sleds and hot cocoa to both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming or going when you’re making enough to retire on.

Aquarius: One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your phone to avoid “Now who’s THAT guy?” from your sweetie.

Pisces: You’ve never been a Barbie or a Ken; you’re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your particular brand of crazy this week.

 

Aries: Saturday will be a good day for you, if you remember these words: “rechargeable llamas.” Don’t slip up and substitute alpacas.

Taurus: Dance like no one’s watching, because they aren’t. Your moves may be painful to the naked eye, but they are original. Keep some Advil on hand for those who try to sneak a peek.

Gemini: The skies are clear, and you have a new idea, so run up that test balloon. Remember to do it far away from storm drains and creepy clowns, though, unless you’re prepared for screaming and running.

Cancer: Usually you’re like rose petals across skin, soft and lovely. On Thursday, though, you’re a paperclip under the tongue: uncomfortable, pointy and useless. Hang on, Karma will spit you out soon enough.

Leo: Your candle is burning on both ends, the middle, and you just added three wicks on the side. Time to unwind and blow out a few of the flames before you turn into a wax puddle.

Virgo: You are sugar and spice with hot sauce thrown in for flavor. Next time someone thinks you have no bite, kick ‘em in the Tabasco and make ‘em howl.

Libra: All your big talk has backed you into a corner. At least you’ve found two quarters, five dust bunnies and you now know where the dog has peed when you’re not home.

Scorpio: You’ll experience the finer things in life this week. It could be art or dining, or the pile of traffic fines waiting in your mailbox. Next time, don’t roar through the farmer’s market on your scooter while wearing only goggles and a smile.

Sagittarius: The good life has passed you by, but you still have a shot at the “it’s not so bad” life, which is filled with irregulars, knock-offs and store brands. Lucky for you, the universe has a double coupon day.

Capricorn: You’ve folded so many times, you look like an origami model of a black hole. Escape your own gravity for a change and try something new. Fun will iron out your creases.

Aquarius: Lately, life has been a box of cereal: all bran, no marshmallows. That changes on Saturday, when someone new shows up and excites all your fruity bits. You’ll even feel like licking the spoon.

Pisces: People think you’re inching along, but you feel like a tornado in a sloth suit. Slow down your mind for a few days and take care of yourself; you’ll be back up to speed—outside and inside—in no time.

Aries: You’ve brought a banana to a gunfight, but that’s okay. The other person brought granola and milk. Turns out you’re both really bad at identifying weaponry, but excellent at breakfast.

Taurus: A work situation has you worried. Relax. Your boss did join Instagram, but he probably won’t recognize his own car in all your ‘arty’ nude photos. Still wouldn’t hurt to freshen up your resume’, just in case.

Gemini: Change is coming! First it’s the nickels, next, the dimes, and finally you find a cache of quarters. Don’t complain about your bounty; scoop it up and head to the casino.

Cancer: Everyone has to start somewhere, but the PTA fundraiser isn’t the place to launch your stand-up comedy career. Those soccer moms don’t appreciate Botox humor, and they can fling a wine bottle 30 feet.

Leo:  You’ve microwaved the remote control, and you’re trying to change the TV channel with a frozen burrito. Either get more sleep, or better hallucinations. If you can actually hallucinate the final season of Game of Thrones, there could be money in it for you.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you learn a secret. It’s a thick, juicy one, so don’t overcook it in your head. Let it sizzle until Friday before you serve the gossip to your friends. Mmmm, delicious.

Libra: You have some explaining to do on Monday. No one may want to hear about corporate llama holdovers and provisional tax liabilities for ferrets, but you have information in your head that must come out. Bring donuts to ease everyone’s pain.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been Superman in a Kryptonite bathroom: no matter how hard you try, you can’t get the job done. Fly off to your Fortress of Solitude with some espresso and a case of prunes; you’ll have a fresh new outlook when you return.

Sagittarius: Your underwear is starched and the car radio is locked on the all-polka station. Figure out what you did wrong, and fast, before your sweetie steps up the revenge and invites the in-laws to stay for a month.

Capricorn: That hottie you just met is a fixer-upper. You don’t need long-term plans, but you can go all HGTV, spackle them in the right places and then flip them for a better model.

Aquarius: No one will ever know what happened last weekend if you pay off the bartender, the plumber and the guy who sold you that vat of organic coconut oil and three alligators in halter tops. You may need to bribe the gators, too.

Pisces: When one door closes, a window opens. Either your teenager is sneaking in past curfew, or the cats have finally developed thumbs and are heading out for nighttime mini-golf.

Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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