You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘weekly forecast’ tag.

Aries: You’ve brought a banana to a gunfight, but that’s okay. The other person brought granola and milk. Turns out you’re both really bad at identifying weaponry, but excellent at breakfast.

Taurus: A work situation has you worried. Relax. Your boss did join Instagram, but he probably won’t recognize his own car in all your ‘arty’ nude photos. Still wouldn’t hurt to freshen up your resume’, just in case.

Gemini: Change is coming! First it’s the nickels, next, the dimes, and finally you find a cache of quarters. Don’t complain about your bounty; scoop it up and head to the casino.

Cancer: Everyone has to start somewhere, but the PTA fundraiser isn’t the place to launch your stand-up comedy career. Those soccer moms don’t appreciate Botox humor, and they can fling a wine bottle 30 feet.

Leo:  You’ve microwaved the remote control, and you’re trying to change the TV channel with a frozen burrito. Either get more sleep, or better hallucinations. If you can actually hallucinate the final season of Game of Thrones, there could be money in it for you.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you learn a secret. It’s a thick, juicy one, so don’t overcook it in your head. Let it sizzle until Friday before you serve the gossip to your friends. Mmmm, delicious.

Libra: You have some explaining to do on Monday. No one may want to hear about corporate llama holdovers and provisional tax liabilities for ferrets, but you have information in your head that must come out. Bring donuts to ease everyone’s pain.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been Superman in a Kryptonite bathroom: no matter how hard you try, you can’t get the job done. Fly off to your Fortress of Solitude with some espresso and a case of prunes; you’ll have a fresh new outlook when you return.

Sagittarius: Your underwear is starched and the car radio is locked on the all-polka station. Figure out what you did wrong, and fast, before your sweetie steps up the revenge and invites the in-laws to stay for a month.

Capricorn: That hottie you just met is a fixer-upper. You don’t need long-term plans, but you can go all HGTV, spackle them in the right places and then flip them for a better model.

Aquarius: No one will ever know what happened last weekend if you pay off the bartender, the plumber and the guy who sold you that vat of organic coconut oil and three alligators in halter tops. You may need to bribe the gators, too.

Pisces: When one door closes, a window opens. Either your teenager is sneaking in past curfew, or the cats have finally developed thumbs and are heading out for nighttime mini-golf.

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Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.

Aries: If something goes awry, all is not lost. It’s simply misplaced. Look for your ambition under the sofa, and check the medicine cabinet for your courage. Whatever you do, leave the bottom drawer in the fridge alone.

Taurus: On Tuesday, you’ll awaken with a start, which is more exercise than you’ve had in weeks. Keep that heart pounding with a brief jog or by looking at the interest on your student loans.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve achieved a lifelong dream. Of course there will be letters from those against cruelty to rutabagas, but you can ignore the haters. You have triumphed over produce.

Cancer: You’re like a sugared-up hamster: wild, wooly, and ready to bite. No one should try to corral you, unless they, too, have a fascination with wheels and like to snuggle in wood shavings. If so, you’ve met your next sweetie.

Leo: Feeling fit as a fiddle? A special day is coming up, to prepare to whip out that bow and make those strings sing. You’ll have your hands full, so try not to drop that bass.

Virgo: Wednesday brings you trembling legs, sweaty palms and dry mouth. Either you’re in love, or you loaded up on expired gas station sushi again. You’ll uncurl from that fetal position by Friday, with a lesson learned.

Libra: Inspiration strikes this week, and it leaves a lightning bolt on your butt. Go ahead, seek out that truckload of mixed nuts, five AAA batteries and a kite, but add a camera too. No one should miss the moment you make YouTube history.

Scorpio: You find yourself in a tight situation, but belting out “Mandy” by Barry Manilow will set you free. Next time, don’t wear the Chewbacca mask through airport security checkpoints.

Sagittarius: The show must go on, even if you haven’t had your makeup done yet. If you’re not starring in a comedy, you will be, especially when that giant powder puff hits you in the face.

Capricorn: You’re not ready to get back in the saddle, but you can go commando and perch on a pillow until that chafing cools down. Next time, throw some talcum powder in those leather pants before you squirm into them.

Aquarius: Karma thinks you’re looking rather sexy these days. Flutter those lashes and wiggle that butt, because the universe is an excellent sugar daddy.

Pisces: Everyone calling your name can be nice, but not when they do it all at once. It’s not bad to want attention now and again, but you don’t get to choose between a gusher and a trickle. Be ready by the faucet, so you can turn it off when you want.

Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.

Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.

Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.

Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.

Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.

Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.

Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.

Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.

Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.

Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.

Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.

Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.

Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines.  Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.

Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.

Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.

Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.

Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.

Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.

Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.

Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.

Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.

Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.

Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.

Pisces:  You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.

Aries: If wishes were horses, they would really mess up your carpet. Wishes are actually helium balloons someone has rubbed against their leg and attached to your head. When you’re annoyed enough, you’ll finally work to make them come true.

Taurus: You can wait for good things to come to you, or you can find out where all the good things are made and get hired. The employee discount is awesome if you don’t mind occasionally dinged opportunities.

Gemini: Wednesday should be savored slowly. If you try to gobble it down fast, it will burn you like a microwaved burrito and you’ll look like a pug with its tongue hanging out for the rest of the week.

Cancer: To some, the glass is half-full, others see it as half-empty. You just want to know why there’s water in your glass instead of whiskey. Call over the waiter and get that straightened out.

Leo: That crazy plan of yours? Don’t try it until Friday and even then, wear thick gloves. Jalapeno jam and fake fur is very hard to wash off but it’s such a good look for your boss.

Virgo: There’s no stopping you, which means you may slam into your next opportunity instead of slowing down and cruising past. Thank goodness for karmic air bags.

Libra: You don’t have a lust for success, but you wouldn’t mind seeing it dance in glitter and a g-string. Maybe a lap dance with a better attitude will make your interest rise.

Scorpio: You can be born to greatness, or just find it at a flea market and sell it on eBay. It didn’t fit you anyway, and you’d rather have the money for a new 50-inch TV.

Sagittarius: Feeling fidgety and feverish? Have yourself checked for butt monkeys. They’re more dangerous than the Zika virus, because Zika can’t crawl out and trash your house while you sleep.

Capricorn: From small seeds, great things can grow and bloom, but they really shouldn’t be growing in the shower stall. Clean that bathroom grout before the greenery turns into Seymour.

Aquarius: If you love something, set it free, especially if it’s a relationship partner who eats your pizza and watches YouTube videos all day. Sometimes setting something free means dropping it off at its parents’ house and changing your locks.

Pisces: Life is like toilet paper: when you’re used to it rough, experiencing something soft and luxurious blows your mind. Get used to it, because your brand is changing to something much cushier on the tush.

Aries: The old year had much to teach you, but you sat in the back and shot spitballs at the chalkboard. Sit up straight and pay attention to 2016, and not just because it roars in with a whip, a chair and pop quizzes.

Taurus: To thine own self be true, but around everyone else, feel free to fake it. If you can’t be charming offer a reasonable facsimile until a good mood smacks you in the forehead again.

Gemini: You’re on a new adventure, so make sure you’ve packed healing potions, med packs and a few extra lives plus any cheat codes you can find. Daily life can make D&D or HALO look like a walk in the nerd park.

Cancer: If someone says your best is not enough, walk right up to them, pull out your inner Brando and yell “STELLA!” That way, they’ll be temporarily deaf while you tell them what you really think of their opinion. Also, update your resume.

Leo: Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars. You won’t be able to grab them, but it’s a terrific stretch for your back. Sometimes ambition is better than yoga.

Virgo: You know all the wrong answers to all the right questions. It won’t get you very far in life but you’ll be more fun to be around. Everyone needs a drunken ferret wrangler’s number in their phone.

Libra: You can follow your heart or your head, both have decent GPS. Just don’t follow directions from anything lower down; that doesn’t follow a map to success, just a cheap road trip to WhoopeeTown and a side road to Penicillin.

Scorpio: Today may seem a mess, but don’t worry, It’s nothing that a trained wombat, a box of gluten-free pancake mix and two tickets to Bermuda can’t fix.

Sagittarius: This Tuesday is a shiny new hoverboard; it looks fun, but it will burst into flames when you least expect it. Sometimes falling off is the best solution, even if it does end up on YouTube.

Capricorn: Life is a series of beautiful accidents and a few really ugly coincidences. Know which is which before you strap on those beer goggles so you can wake up without screaming.

Aquarius: If you think out of the box, remember to save the receipt. You’ll need it when your latest scheme for wealth, power and world domination hits the fan.

Pisces: There’s nothing wrong with hiding under a rock. Sometimes you meet some very cool lizards there. You should squirm out every now and again for some sunshine, too, if for no other reason than to restock the tequila shelf for you and your new scaly friends.

Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.

Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.

Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.

Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.

Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.

Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.

Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.

Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.

Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.

Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.

Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.

Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.

Aries:  Every rose has its thorn, but you’re up against a porcupine. If you’re determined to see that rose tattoo, buy a new first aid kit and perhaps a tetanus booster while you’re at it.

Taurus: Crap hitting the fan isn’t so bad when it’s one of those dollar store personal fans powered by a weak AA battery. You’ll be wishing for one of those when your personal load of doo-doo smacks a high-powered warehouse ventilation fan. Good thing you invested in a fire hose for easy clean-up.

Gemini: Not everyone’s chickens come home to roost. Yours have packed up and moved to the city for a shot at fame and fortune on TV. If you’re lucky, they’ll send you some seed money now and again.

Cancer: If someone gives you a lottery ticket, hold on to it. It may not win, but it will provide you with a  good alibi after the strange ferret situation on Wednesday.

Leo: Your life is like an old-fashioned television set; sometimes the universe gives you a whack to straighten out the picture. Drop the static when you feel it, or you’ll get a few more karmic love taps.

Virgo: Others may hog the road, but no one knows the path as well as you. Take a thermos and some beef jerky along, because you’re about to get the fast track all to yourself.

Libra: You’re feeling as welcome as kale on a barbecue grill. You may not be steak but you can still sizzle, so work those weird leafy curves and make everyone regret passing you by.

Scorpio: If a tree falls in the forest and no one tweets it, did it really happen? Take a few selfies with your own log and you could be the busiest one on Tinder. Just hope it doesn’t go viral, because you’re out of antibiotics.

Sagittarius: You can’t change the past any more than you can build a log cabin with a spoon. You can, however, use that spoon to eat ice cream while you plan the future. Besides, everyone knows the best cabins are built with sporks.

Capricorn: Happiness is like dog poop: you’re walking through life, suddenly look down and there it is. At least inner tranquility is easier to get off your shoe and it smells better, too.

Aquarius: You may not be able to scale the mountain, but with a knife, some pliers and three other people, you can totally open a FedEx box. Celebrate your success by opening a jar of pickles and soak up all the applause.

Pisces: Forget the tortoise and the hare, they’re just obsessed with speed. Join up with the free-spirited quokka. You’ll still get there, but you’ll meet more people and have much more fun along the way.