Your forecast for the week of March 4

Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.

 

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Your forecast for the week of June 2

Aries: You have a rare opportunity to redeem yourself on Monday. Make sure your expiration date hasn’t passed, and ask the clerk if she honors double coupons. Sometimes it’s easier to value yourself when you know what you’re worth to a barcode scanner.

Taurus: You’re feeling more lost than a sensitivity coach in a Dirty Harry movie. Don’t worry, when it comes to wisdom, you’re packing plenty of heat. Blow people away with your impressive knowledge of Spongebob Squarepants trivia. That’ll leave ‘em in the dust.

Gemini: When someone tells you to take a long leap off a short pier, just smile and jump. They don’t need to know you have an inflatable raft in your pants.

Cancer: You may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if anyone needs a slightly irregular spork you are ready. Which is handy, because everyone already knows you’re a tool.

Leo: You’re getting so wrapped up in yourself, it’ll take a dude with a forklift and a tub of lard to get you out. Get out of the plastic wrap before you fart and gas yourself unconscious.

Virgo: If ‘sorry’ is the hardest word, the easiest one is ‘bacon.’ Tuck a couple of strips behind your ear and watch the world fall at your feet this week.

Libra: Bad luck? If you were in the Garden of Eden, you’d cover your naughty bits with poison ivy. Let someone else make the decisions for you on Thursday, unless you have plenty of ointment stocked up.

Scorpio: When your alphabet soup starts insulting you, it’s time to re-evaluate your personality. Be like Mr. Potato Head and stick on a few accessories like kindness, attentiveness and a mustache.

Sagittarius: Don’t go gentle into the good night: it’s dark and something is likely to bite you on the toe. Wear some boots and take a flashlight. Better yet, stay inside where there aren’t any mosquitoes, snakes or in-laws at all.

Capricorn: If the world is your oyster, it’s probably damp, slimy and gags you when it slides down your throat. Try to make the world into your cake, that’s much more fun to have around.

Aquarius: A near-miss isn’t always bad, it just means you have to speak louder so she can hear you. Catch her attention and jog up to introduce yourself. She could be Lady Luck in disguise.

Pisces:  A pretty girl is like a melody, but you’re a Wagnerian opera at double speed: bewildering, confusing and a little frightening in odd places. You may not be catchy, but you definitely make an impact, especially in surround sound.

Your forecast for the week of May 26

Aries: Most people grab the tiger by the tail, but not you. While you have him by the huevos, make it good, because you’ll need to run very fast when you finally let go.

Taurus: Friday is a dream come true. Too bad the universe picked the really weird dream with the swizzle sticks and the all-Bigfoot volleyball team. After you drink yourself to sleep, you’ll never look at ice cubes or sunblock lotion the same again.

Gemini: Life is filled with peaks and valleys but somehow you’ve found a deep, dark hole. Start climbing now, and in a few days the universe will drop a jetpack down to you. Karma is just waiting to see if you make an effort so it can give you a passing grade in gym class.

Cancer: When you face an ugly truth, don’t turn away. Give it a makeover and bring out its inner beauty, maybe slap some sequins on it, too. The truth is always easier on the eyes when it’s shiny.

Leo: It’s laudable that you want to help someone, but don’t grab them and fling them onto the shore like a ball of wet algae. Swim with them until they can touch ground again. But if a really big fish brushes against your leg, hey, they’re on their own.

Virgo: Spend some time this weekend by yourself, so you can probe your psyche with a sharp stick. It’s best to know your weaknesses and make them defend themselves. On Monday, your boss will have an even bigger stick.

Libra: You think you’re in a good groove, but it’s really just a deep scratch across an awesome DVD. Do a little buffing and polishing on your life so you can finally skip ahead to the next scene.

Scorpio: Keep an eye out for horseshoes and four-leaf clovers on Thursday, but leave the rabbits’ feet alone. You need an extra bit of luck but you don’t want to make the bunnies angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.

Sagittarius: If you think part of your life is missing, put on your glasses before you make a big deal out of it. Turns out everything was there the whole time, you just needed a little focus.

Capricorn: Big changes are on the horizon, but you’ll need to figure out if they’re galloping toward you or away from you. Feel free to chase them if you want, but don’t get underfoot.

Aquarius: You have a lot of eyes and thick skin, which makes you a perfect couch potato. Keep those peepers peeled and you’ll spot a perfect opportunity to become a smokin’ hot spud.

Pisces: You’re feeling more distracted than Gary Busey in a room filled with squirrels. Bribe a bushytail to show you the door so you can clear your head.

Your forecast for the week of March 31

Aries: You’re always looking for the next big thing and not sweating the small stuff. Quit expecting Fort Knox to land in your lap and pay attention to the little shiny bits passing you by.  Your good fortune pops up one nugget at a time.

Taurus: Sometimes bad things happen, but you don’t need a flashing neon sign to warn you. That Bull sensibility means you’re prepared for anything, even zombie weasels with weed-whackers.

Gemini: Feeling stuck? You’re wedged in firmer than a G-string made of duct tape. Get  yourself out of the situation with one quick pull. Oh yes, there will be tears.

Cancer: You’ve been moving so fast you have knocked both the angel and devil off your shoulders. Skip the fortune cookie and ask the oldest man you can find for advice. It may not be valuable, but it will slow your butt down for a few minutes.

Leo: The pen is mightier than the sword, but security is likely to take both away from you before letting you on the plane. Defend yourself with a good book instead. You can quote it or just throw it at someone’s head.

Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you on any magazine covers or Wheaties boxes. Try being a little fast and wobbly. If you’re unsure how to do that, consult the nearest bottle of tequila.

Libra: If someone tells you there’s no wrong answer, they’re not paying attention. On Thursday, avoid saying “Yes, I’ll try the gas station sushi” and “Why no, I have no idea how much trouble I’m in.”

Scorpio: You think you’ve found your groove on the dance floor, but it looks like you’re being randomly electrocuted by an evil ferret. Feel free to let your freak flag fly, but don’t be surprised if it wraps around your head and makes you crash into a wall.

Sagittarius: The beauty of life is in its diversity, but the reality means you’ll follow someone for fifteen minutes to figure out who or what they are. Take a chance and ask them out anyway. Her mustache may tickle your fancy.

Capricorn: If your life lacks direction, forget gurus. Just go to the supermarket. You’ll do better with the instructions on a can of spray cheese than with someone who wants to sell you a $2400 course in lifestyle management.

Aquarius: When you point a finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you. That gives you two extra votes in whatever lame argument you’ve gotten yourself into on Thursday. And no, the thumb doesn’t count, because it wants to stay out of it.

Pisces: You feel like your old self on Tuesday, which is a bummer. You were really hoping for a whole new self this time. Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring you chocolate and a new attitude.

Your horoscope for the week of Oct. 7

Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.

Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.

Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.

Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear. OK, any underwear. Your 15 minutes of fame could be a crotch shot on TMZ.

Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey adamantium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.

Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, they won’t last long.

Libra: If all you want is to be an ass, do nothing and get paid, your choices are to become a stubborn mule or go to Congress. Those are drastic steps, so work up to them by getting a reality show first. At least you’ll be worth watching.

Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the TV ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.

Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that supervillain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.

Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.

Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic Tums can’t handle.

Pisces: You’ve come so close to success so many times, you can smell the cigars. Who wants one of those nasty things anyway? On Friday, you’ll finally wrap your fingers around something more substantial.

Your horoscope for the week of Sept. 23

Aries: You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice.

Taurus: Don’t think of yourself as a bull in a china shop. This week you’re more of a hedgehog in a Silly Putty factory, because everything will gum you up and make you rather sticky. Bring wet wipes.

Gemini: An unfortunate sporting accident makes you rethink your career, but don’t give up. Steve Martin made the arrow-through-the-head look successful, you can do something special with that puck up your butt.

Cancer: The best things in life may be free, but somewhere in that perfect day someone will want your debit card. Be prepared for some overtime on Thursday, unless you can pay the piper with coupons.

Leo: Not only do you have a new lease on life, but you also get free financing and no payments until June.  Right now every day comes with a sun roof;  stick your neck out and enjoy the light.

Virgo: You are a Rubik’s Cube: small and annoying to everyone except children and geniuses. Show everyone your true colors, and maybe people won’t be tempted to peel your stickers.

Libra: True beauty isn’t how you look, it’s what you show to a child. Mainly that you show the brat to a time out corner, so everyone else can have some peace and quiet. That’s beautiful.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like the Spanish Inquisition: no one expects you and your biggest threat is a comfy chair. Look at the bright side, at least you have a nifty hat.

Sagittarius: Saturday brings a tough decision: do you want the peanut brittle, or the chocolate-covered almonds? Either way you go, you’ll spend the day picking your nuts.

Capricorn: After a Miley Cyrus song gets stuck in your head for 48 hours, you are no longer responsible for your actions. Don’t worry, the badger won’t press charges if you pay for his therapy.

Aquarius:  What you think will be a tiptoe through the tulips will become more of a frantic run through the man-sized Venus Flytraps. Keep moving and remember to zigzag, or you’ll be a bouquet banquet.

Pisces: The smart money may be on the other guy, but you bring dumb luck to the table. Stay in the game long enough, and a meteor may take out your competition.

Your horoscope for the week of Sept. 2

Aries: Some people are rubber, some are glue, but you’re thrift store Teflon, so not even you know what will stick. Be safe and avoid anyone with eggs, especially chicken supervillains.

Taurus: The Big Bad Wolf is actually a Chihuahua with attitude, so you can relax about that big meeting at work. Wouldn’t hurt to carry some doggie treats, though, because the bark isn’t as bad as the bite.

Gemini: Your dreams are full of million-dollar ideas, so keep a pen and paper by your bed on Tuesday. Someone, somewhere, would pay for Justin Timberlake-flavored tongue depressors.

Cancer: Life is a series of moments, and the one at 3:09 p.m. Wednesday will take you by surprise. Pack some clean underwear and possibly an alibi.

Leo: Knowing all the answers won’t win you points, but stumping the teacher with some questions of your own might do the trick. Cross your fingers and hope your guru doesn’t have Google.

Virgo: You draw all the attention on Saturday, but your so-called friend shows up to the party with an eraser. Make that mojo permanent with a Magic Marker, and she’ll never close her eyes around you again.

Libra: Lighten up, because it’s not about winning; what matters is how you play the game. And who has the most followers on Twitter. That totally counts, too.

Scorpio: The truth can be hard to swallow, which is why bars and taverns exist. If you can’t handle that bitter little pill, wash it down with a pina colada or two. At closing time you’ll likely acquire a whole new set of ugly truths that will distract you from the initial one.

Sagittarius: Everyone in your crowd is a superhero, but your friends are the Justice League while you’re the Wonder Twin who can turn into a puddle. At least you can get the bad guys’ socks unpleasantly damp while everyone else saves the world.

Capricorn: When it comes to a project, there’s the wrong way, the right way and your way. Guess which one requires duct tape, four clothes hangers and an empty ice cube tray? If you can’t conquer your competition, you can definitely confuse them.

Aquarius: You’re jumpier than Larry the Cable Guy wearing a poison ivy thong. Say something embarrassing if you wish, because it won’t be your face that’s red. You’ll find your true friends when you mention the word “lotion.”

Pisces: Just when you least expect it, the universe throws you a party with cake, balloons and presents. If you’ve been very good, you might even be invited this time.

Wisecrack Zodiac: Now 100% More Award Winning!

Wisecrack Zodiac is more than a web site, it’s also a newspaper column printed weekly on actual paper.  This weekend, Wisecrack Zodiac won second place in the 2013 National Society of Newspaper Columnists writing competition! The category is in the Humor:Newspapers With Circulation under 50,000, and I don’t know which excites me more: the win itself, or that the judge called WZ’s humor “rude, crude and socially on the edge.”

Thank you to the NSNC, the judges and of course, you lovely readers! You’re the real reason I do this every week.