You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Aries’ tag.

Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

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Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Right now you’re feeling a lot like a Slinky: all stretched out and continually falling down stairs. Pull yourself together. Sometimes it’s good to have your spring wound a little tight.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. If your co-worker throws your lunch away again, get your tools ready.

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current mood, except for the pounds you’re putting on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie, go outside and see what people who wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of medical conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: When Thursday comes, you’ll either learn one shocking secret or a weird old trick. Pick either one, because the true lesson is don’t believe those clickbait ads.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. You’ll save on dog food, but Fido might need a diet plan.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Aries: You’re playing to the crowd, but not everyone bought a ticket to your particular show. Be honest to yourself before asking the audience how you’re doing. With luck, they left the rotten tomatoes at home.

Taurus: Sometimes you must accept defeat and ask for help, because no amount of elbow grease will take that patch of super-strong glue off your butt. Next time, don’t repair your favorite wine glass while you’re in the middle of a naked Twister game.

 Gemini: Go ahead, reach for the stars. Let the neighbors wonder why you’re waving your arms in the street and yelling “I’m coming for you, Pluto!” You can outwit them with your ambitious dreams, but you might not outrun them if they’re packing a strait jacket.

Cancer: Everyone seems to love your work, but you still think someone’s out to get you. It could be a royal scheme to get your desk dragons, or you could just be really in severe “Game of Thrones” withdrawal.

 Leo: You’re finally in the right place at the right time so don’t make the wrong move. Also, don’t freeze up. Or overthink it. And definitely don’t start hysterically giggling when the investors arrive. Otherwise, just be yourself.

Virgo:  Spring is in the air, but pride goes before a fall. If you’re at the end of the parade, watch your step and wear sensible shoes. Swap out the 12-inch heels for eight inches. The six-foot-tall, hairy Girl Scout cosplayers walking behind you will thank you.

Libra: Good news! The raccoons have accepted your bribe and your plan is ready to go. Now all you need is the barrel of coconut oil, a Go Pro camera, and three hula hoops. Remember all the little people when you’re famous.

Scorpio: Your mojo is on point this Friday; you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Seize the glory and everyone’s attention with a few of your best moves, and the free drinks will flow.

Sagittarius: Let a smile be your umbrella and you’ll slosh when you walk. At least when someone asks about your bulbous booty cheeks, you can honestly say it’s water weight. Also, you can knock them over when you turn around, because they’re rude.

 Capricorn: As the goat of the zodiac, you can scale any obstacle. That doesn’t mean you should, though. Keep your hooves on the ground and learn a bit of patience. You can climb that mountain next time.

Aquarius: You don’t need all of life’s answers, but you would appreciate a few. Here they are: left, Albuquerque, 42, and your high school locker combination.

Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, usually because someone just walked through it. Grab that doorknob and slide in before it slams shut. When in doubt, make friends with a janitor, because they have all the keys.

Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.

Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.

Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape.  Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.

Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.

Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.

Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.

Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.

Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.

Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.

Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.

Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.

Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.

Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.

Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something  doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.

Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.

 

Aries: You’ve been in over your head so long, you could be a stunt double for The Shape of Water. No man is an island, but that one on your right looks sturdy enough to climb on for a while. Make some small talk until your fingers quit being pruny.

Taurus: Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.

Gemini: Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming “intervention.” Next time, don’t ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead.

Cancer: You may feel fit as a fiddle, but from the back you resemble a double bass. Head to the gym for a musical workout if you want someone to pluck your strings again.

Leo: Relax. It isn’t your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what’s new on Hulu.

Virgo: On Thursday, you stand out more than a game of Where’s Waldo at a nudist colony. Give up that woolly hat and pinch some color on all four of your cheeks if you want to fit in.

Libra: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.

Scorpio: It takes a big person to admit they’re wrong, but you’re still shopping in the juniors department. Slide over to the clearance rank and look for a large apology, because you have some growing to do.

Sagittarius: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.

Capricorn: You finally have the chance to show the world what you’re made of! Hopefully it’s not Cheetos, Real Housewives specials and laughing at your mailman’s ‘Dora the Explorer’ socks.

Aquarius: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Dollar Jell-O Shots night at your fave club. Their hangover will make your news seem small.

Pisces: After years of reaching for the stars, a wild meteor swings down to offer you a ride. It may turn out to be a UFO, but hop on anyway. Those aliens throw some amazing parties.

Aries: Some blessings come in disguise, but you can’t get past that trench coat and big fuzzy wig. Roll with the weirdness, and karma will make it worth your time in spite of the fake mustache.

Taurus: You aren’t hiding your light under a bushel, but you do have it socked away in your blanket fort. Tear down those poly-cotton blend walls and shine; your sweetie wants the comforter back on the bed anyway.

Gemini: You didn’t ask to be this awesome, you just woke up one day and it happened. Remember, if you’re kind to everyone on your way up the ladder, they won’t set fire to your pants leg on the way back down.

Cancer: Some jump from the frying pan into the fire, but you bounced off the stove, hit the kitchen counter and landed in a dish of brownies. This week, you have all the tasty, chocolate luck.

Leo: This situation isn’t three-dimensional chess, it’s more like Chutes and Ladders. Stop over-thinking it. Once you finally have a Clue, you’ll win the game.

Virgo: Watch your tongue on Friday. Fat-bottomed girls may not actually make the world go round, but they can knock you out of orbit if you make remarks about their personal gravity.

Libra: Even if you’re the cream of the crop, you’re still giving canned answers. Think up something fresh for your next big meeting or you’ll be tossed into the casserole with the rest of the creamed corn.

 Scorpio: Feel that tingle in the air? Something magical is in the air or you’ve just been struck by lightning. With either one, you’re probably going to be on TV. You might want to fix your smoldering hair.

Sagittarius: Your personal mojo is strong on Tuesday. Go ahead, wear that daring new outfit. If anyone can pull off polka dots, feathers and suede, it’s you. Expect gasps, double-takes, and a few puzzled looks.

Capricorn: The rest of the world is dancing to the beat, yet you have the “Full House” theme song stuck on your personal jukebox. Time to update your tunes, before you go completely bonkers.

Aquarius: You can attract more flies with honey, but that just sounds like a sticky, buzzing mess. Grab your net and go after bigger game, like that uniform-wearing hottie who’s asking you why you’re running and squealing through the butterfly habitat.

Pisces: Life doesn’t give you lemons, you have to earn them. Be prepared to jump like Mario to score that fruit; soon you’ll level up and create a lemon drop cocktail even Princess Peach can appreciate.

Aries: Slow your roll, and put the brakes on that biscuit as well. Take a time out from baking for a little while. If you want to see something rise, watch the news while measuring your blood pressure.

Taurus: You have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that thing living under your bed. Be brave and call it out, before it eats the rest of your socks and starts toe-nibbling.

Gemini: You’ve worked hard to get where you are, but someone’s always riding your back. Tell them if they’re going to stay up there, they can give you a shoulder rub and fix your hair.

Cancer: Appreciate the small things in life, like flowers blooming, birds singing, and your paycheck. Maybe if you dump enough manure on your boss, that check will grow, too.

Leo: Your roar is legendary, but no one hears you purr anymore. Claw your way to a happy place this weekend and give it a try. You’ll sound like a city bus stuck in a garbage disposal, but you’ll get better with practice.

Virgo: The Loch Ness Monster, an elf and Bigfoot are all elusive, but they’re easier to find than your dignity after what you did Saturday night. Take a bow and lay low for a few weekends, at least until someone power-washes the piano.

Libra: Some take the road less traveled, but you’re done with hiking after that poison ivy incident. It’s okay, take that hot air balloon. You’ll see sights far and above what the regular people experience, and you’ll remind them of it every chance you get.

Scorpio: You’re over-thinking a problem. It’s not rocket science, just a few firecrackers wrapped up in a baloney omelet. Defuse it, and you won’t end up with egg on your face.

Sagittarius: All work and no play makes you more tightly wound than a broken clock. Know why angels dance on the head of a pin? It’s a tiny disco ball. Find some fun this weekend and bring the angels along for the ride.

Capricorn: Your life moves faster than a fidget spinner, but eventually you’ll slow down and go out of style. Update yourself with a gimmick that lasts: star in a video with baby sloths. That will keep your cred going for months.

Aquarius: Tomorrow’s a new day, and you won’t even need the receipt. Send in that warranty card, though; Karma’s mailing list offers lots of cool prizes. Cross your fingers for that flying car.

Pisces: You may be under the weather, but don’t worry. Your submarine is stocked with frozen pizzas, beer and wifi. While the storm rages above, you’re comfy with new seasons of Queer Eye and The Bachelor until it’s time for smooth sailing again.

Aries: From a tiny acorn, a might oak will grow. Hide under some leaves until you take root, and watch for squirrels. With luck, you’ll be reaching for the sky or end up as a lovely end table at the crafters market.

Taurus: Watch out for strange ferrets bearing gifts. They never guess your right size, and they always forget the receipt.

Gemini: The people who say “no pain, no gain” must have stock in the ibuprofen industry. Quit smashing yourself over the head with that giant hammer and things will clear up.

Cancer: Look at the person on your left. They have a secret. Tickle them until they spill it, so you both have something awkward to bond over during the day.

Leo: Success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but who wants a cracked, beat-up achievement? Seek out something twisted instead. That’s more your speed.

Virgo: Tough times call for tough people, but mix in some kindness. After you lay down the law, tuck it in with a teddy bear and a nice bedtime story.

Libra: It’s fine to watch the new 50 Shades movie together, but try that thing with the spoon and you can forget any forking for a while. Your honey might like that spatula trick from the racy romance novel The List, though.

Scorpio: You’ve always gotten by on the sweat of your brow and the skin of your teeth, so a good facial and dental appointment are really in order. Treat yourself, and let your personality do the heavy lifting for a while.

Sagittarius: Every day, you take one step forward, two steps back. You may not make progress, but your dance moves are improving. Throw some hip action into your routine tomorrow.

Capricorn: Things are tense with your boss, but you can make it better with your famous Chocolate Drizzle Fudge Cake. This time, leave out the Ex-Lax, and your week will be much smoother.

Aquarius: Excitement awaits you on Friday, but why make it stand outside in the cold? Invite it in for some cocoa on Thursday while you find the perfect outfit in your closet for bikini bowling in the snow.

Pisces: New opportunities are like cats: they’re never where you expect them to be, and they will knock stuff off your table if you ignore them. Give them your full attention this week.

Photo by john paul tyrone  fernandez from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/blur-bokeh-bright-burnt-450301/

 

I started Wisecrack Zodiac in 2008, and it’s been the little blog that could for ten years! To celebrate, here’s one of the first horoscope columns from February 2008. It’s a bit of retro fun for you all. Thanks for reading and following! Here’s to the next ten years!

Aries: If you keep looking under rocks for love, you won’t find anything that will survive in sunlight.  Stand up, wash the mud off and take a walk. Cupid hits you when you least expect it, far away from naughty newts.

Taurus: Time to update your worldview; even Henry VIII would call you old-fashioned. Open a window to your mind and be patient: it takes time for all that dust and mildew to clear out.

Gemini: This week, you’re the angel of inspiration, spreading great ideas far and wide. Take a few for yourself, so when you feel the devil of distraction tapping on your shoulder, you can ignore his Facebook game invites.

Cancer: You need to go out dancing this weekend, but you’re wound too tight. If you shake your groove thang, you’ll pop a cog. Loosen up with a few disco moves by the photocopier. With luck, the boss will ask you to start your weekend early.

Leo: Music soothes the savage breast, but nothing can tame that vicious tushie of yours. Pull those leather pants out of the closet and strut your stuff on Tuesday.

Virgo: You’re feeling finer than frog hair on Thursday, and nothing can stop you. Still, slow down with the attitude around your sweetie, or you’ll be toad off.

Libra: Decisions can be hard, but it’s much easier if you pin “yes” and “no” tags on your kids, wait until they wrestle, and tell them the winner gets a new Lego set. Take that, Magic 8-Ball.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to be the brussel sprouts to your steak, and that won’t work. Tell them to either find a nice tofu to love, or step up and become the baked potato of your dreams. Extra points for sour cream and butter.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the clothes pin, other days you’re the wire, but on Friday you’re the extra large granny panties blowing in the wind. Find out who’s hanging you out to dry and snap their elastic.

Capricorn: Usually you’re sugar and spice and everything nice, but this week you’re packing some extra cayenne and habanero. If your coworkers try to bite off more than they can chew, you’ll make their eyes water.

Aquarius: As a water sign, you know your way around the pool. It’s time to get out and try something new on Saturday, though, because you’re all pruny and you need to find your land legs again.

Pisces: The world isn’t fair, and you’ve kept the receipts. Time to throw out that extra mental paperwork. The universe is asking you to trust it, so let go and fall back into its arms. After the team-building, there will be a buffet.

 

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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