You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Cancer’ tag.

Flickr/Remko van Dokkum

Aries: You may be a dollar short and a day late, but you’ll never get stuck at boring corporate dinners. You will, however, meet some really cool catering people who don’t care if you take all those uneaten, dry chicken breasts home.

Taurus: Tuesday won’t be a tornado of activity, but it will be a dust devil of small errands. Enjoy the leisurely pace, because kids’ extracurricular activities start soon. Don’t have kids and feeling left out? Enroll your cat in red dot laser tag.

Gemini: Better days may not be in reach, but you can get them anyway if you use a broom to knock them off the top shelf. Grab them and scurry away before karma announces a cleanup in aisle 4.

Cancer: You want to be the life of the party, but your small talk needs a few electric shocks to survive. Bring up that really embarrassing thing your friend did in eighth grade, and how you helped him duct tape the broken chandelier to a giant chicken statue. That’ll get the conversational ball rolling.

Leo: A whole new world has opened up to you. Don’t complain about it before you’ve ripped the shrink wrap off; give it a chance. It didn’t come with a receipt, so you can’t return it anyway.

Virgo: Don’t worry about your days being numbered. You should be more concerned about your nights being lettered, and who stuck those emojis all over your afternoons. Perhaps you need a less magnetic personality.

Libra: True, life isn’t fair. Sometimes it’s partly cloudy. Have an umbrella handy for sudden emotional downpours, and you can happily jump in a few puddles along the way.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield. On Thursday, you’ll be the squeegee, cleaning up someone else’s mess. Don’t worry, it pays well.

Sagittarius: There’s a song in your heart, but no room in your pants. Either dig out the Buns of Steel DVD or go shopping because at this rate, you could bend over and hit a note that shatters glass.

Capricorn: Usually your thoughts are jewels to behold, but lately you’ve pawned them all in exchange for bad TV and generic cereal. Unplug from the crap or you’ll only be left with a few sugar-coated brain cells floating in the milk.

Aquarius: You’ll get something you need on Monday, but what about something you want? It can be yours if you’re willing to work for it. Lucky for you, your legs are stunning and you can still do the Macarena.

Pisces: You never had champagne wishes and caviar dreams, but you do have a few fantasies where all the bills are paid. Get dolled up for Friday, because that one could come true.

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Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner your sweetie refuses to give up. Could even be enough luck to get rid of that recliner, too.

Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.

Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bull puckey drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your crap detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.

Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive a few minutes of national TV time when someone discovers lost photos you forgot to pick up at Walgreen’s in 1998.  Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird dude in Batman mask and underwear” last forever.

Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses. Your nose will appreciate the change in fragrant scenery, although your thumbs will hate you if you forget about the thorns.

Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop doing those nasty things to your boss’ coffee. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.

Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Build a bridge and get over it, and karma will let you cash in as toll-taker.

Sagittarius: You know your fears so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. You’ll have fewer snacks, but more peace of mind.

Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.

Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space while you’re pulling into it, all bets are off.

Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. Opportunity won’t care what you’re wearing when it knocks, as long as you’re decent enough to answer the door.

Aries: You don’t need to fly or have heat vision to be a hero. Sometimes all it involves is not gluing your co-workers to their desk chairs. Thankfully for you, the bar is set low. Still, leave right after quitting time on Friday, before you’re tempted.

Taurus: You are extra caliente, and you know it. The downside of being so fiery? You could burn your own habeneros off. Chill out by Wednesday, or you could be just a sexy puff of smoke.

Gemini:  Some days you’re the number one hit at the top of the charts; other days, you’re a Spotify collection of soft jazz. Put on your best Cardi B attitude this week, and no one will know you feel like Kenny G inside.

Cancer: You’re long past believing in unicorns and fairies, but a dream from your childhood comes true this week. Cherish it for the miracle it is, and resist the temptation to throw it on Craigslist for a quick buck.

Leo: The trouble with off-roading down the path less taken is that there are very few 7-11 stores along the way. Keep an eye on civilization as you explore the wilder side of human potential, or you could end up lost in a tattooed sea of Barry Manilow fans and no Porta-Potty.

Virgo: Both your bank account and gas tank have been empty for too long; fortunately, you still have that money-making idea about the non-stick patio furniture. Spray those thighs with some PAM and slide your way into fame and fortune.

Libra: Everyone wants a piece of you, but you’re a full-course meal, not a bag of Skittles. Get picky about who comes to dine. If they don’t respect your skills, turn the tables and eat their lunch.

Scorpio: You know where you are now, and you know where you want to be. Problem is, you can’t get there from here. Instead of playing demolition derby with the terrain, try a little GPS for the soul and find an easier path to what you want.

Sagittarius: You want to be a sleek Japanese bullet train, but let’s face facts: you’re really Thomas the Tank Engine. Enjoy your own speed, because it’s no fun being a train-shaped blur all the time.

Capricorn: Glaciers and life-changing decisions move at the same speed for you, but an opportunity requiring immediate action may pop up. You don’t have to throw caution to the wind, but you can loosen your death grip on it.

Aquarius: You may be rubber and they may be glue, but what bounces off you sticks to the wall, the door, the cat and a passing tourist. Avoid living your life according to fifth grade trash talk, and just ignore the idiots.

Pisces: You feel a spark inside, but there’s no need for alarm; it’s a spark of creativity and ambition. It’s okay, you’ll get used to it once you put down the fire extinguisher.

Flickr/zeevveez

 Aries: You’re feeling pulled in different directions, and realizing Tug o’War is no fun when you’re the rope. Time to slink away, coil up with Netflix and soothe those threadbare ends before someone stretches you out of shape.

Taurus: Someone close thinks your job has no point, but you believe you’re nailing it. Check your process before you swing that hammer again; instead of building an empire, you may just be thumping away without the hardware.

Gemini: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Westworld marathon.

Leo: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.

Virgo:  On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Libra: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

Scorpio: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Sagittarius: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Capricorn: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Aquarius: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Pisces: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Aries: Your life is an open book, but it’s less “War and Peace” and more “Green Eggs and Ham.” It doesn’t take long to read, but hopefully you’ll find someone who doesn’t bend the pages or use it to level up the kitchen table.

Taurus: This summer has been so dull, you’re jogging in place on the shag carpeting just to feel a spark or two.  Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion and find a hot tomato. It’s your choice whether to get toasted or not, but you will make sandwich history if you double-stack.

Gemini: Some days Karma slaps you around, other days it ties you down and tickles you with a feather. Remember your safeword on Tuesday, unless you’re into a long medley of David Bowie hits performed by a 14-kazoo and ukulele band with a guest tuba.

Cancer: You have an idea, but before you put it into action you need to answer a few questions: How well does the couch bounce? Do ferrets make worthy pilots? Will your sweetie make you sleep in the garage permanently if you snag the trampoline on the ceiling fan? Good luck.

Leo: Claiming you can see into the future takes some pretty big crystal balls, but unless you’re bringing back lottery numbers and sports scores, no one really cares. At least you’re enjoying the next five seasons of “Lucifer” before everyone else.

Virgo: If you’re tired of being alone, lower your expectations. That hottie in the magazine is so airbrushed, their driver’s license picture is practically van art. Go for someone real, fleshy, and who knows when to laugh inappropriately in front of your relatives.

Libra: You have an awkward moment when you meet a new friend in person and tap their face to see their profile. Don’t worry, the 12-step digital addiction course is available online. With the ads and auto-play videos, it totals about 361 steps.

Scorpio: On Monday, you’ll encounter someone built like a brick Excel spreadsheet. Sure, that rack of rows has cells in all the right places, but check out the formula before you pull those hot columns over or a nasty STD can sneak up your USB port.

Sagittarius: At last, someone has the chance to walk a mile in your shoes. Try not to smirk when they slip those sandals on, trip over their own feet and roll down the hill into a chocolate fountain.

Capricorn: On the road of life, you’ll meet people who can point out the onramps to success, self-esteem and happiness. You’ll also meet your share of potholes. Guess which one is showing up on Wednesday.

Aquarius: You are the love child of Murphy’s Law and the Worst Case Scenario; is it any wonder your bright side is lit with a 10-watt bulb? If you want to tackle a positive attitude, cover yourself in bubble wrap first.

Pisces: Whoever said there are no shortcuts to success doesn’t know the quick route through the kitchen and behind the supply room. Remember, keep low and bribe the chef.

 

Aries: You light up a room with your smile, but carrying around that generator to power your dental work is tough on your back. Switch to LED bulbs and slap some solar panels on your butt; your crowd-dazzling grin will last until the next cloudy day.

Taurus: Finally, you’ve set off for an epic journey! Too bad you’ve fallen into haunted well five feet from the starting line. Climb out and keep going, otherwise a weird, long-haired ghost will pop out of nowhere and demand you add her to your LinkedIn network.

Gemini: The truth may not be pretty, but you can fix that with a hand full of dollar store makeup and the right Snapchat filter.  No one will care about your words when your contour game is strong enough for your own YouTube channel.

Cancer: All eyes are on you, so you can be a movie star or a potato. Either way, you’re going to need a thicker skin. Don’t hide in the corner too long, though, or you could start sprouting in odd places.

Leo: Redeem yourself with someone you love this week. If you’re really lucky, your sweetie offers double coupons. Good thing you keep that handheld barcode scanner next to the baby oil.

Virgo: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Libra: The best revenge isn’t living well; it’s forgetting your enemies’ names and accidentally thinking they are ushers at your high school reunion. Their stares will last a few minutes, but your smile will hang around for years.

Scorpio: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Sagittarius: You think you’re hot and spicy, but you’re really just raisins in someone’s potato salad: tasteless and cringe-inducing. Find yourself a better recipe, and everyone will want a bite of you.

Capricorn:  For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.

Aquarius: You’re not more accomplished when you burn the candle at both ends. You’re just slumped over with wax stuck to your pants. Avoid the awkward stares at the cleaner’s and get some rest.

Pisces: For weeks, each day has been like a song stuck in your head: the same refrain, again and again. Time to write your own tune. Remember to add in three monkeys on percussion and a kazoo orchestra to really give it some zing.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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