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Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

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Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Right now you’re feeling a lot like a Slinky: all stretched out and continually falling down stairs. Pull yourself together. Sometimes it’s good to have your spring wound a little tight.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. If your co-worker throws your lunch away again, get your tools ready.

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current mood, except for the pounds you’re putting on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie, go outside and see what people who wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of medical conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: When Thursday comes, you’ll either learn one shocking secret or a weird old trick. Pick either one, because the true lesson is don’t believe those clickbait ads.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. You’ll save on dog food, but Fido might need a diet plan.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Aries: You’re playing to the crowd, but not everyone bought a ticket to your particular show. Be honest to yourself before asking the audience how you’re doing. With luck, they left the rotten tomatoes at home.

Taurus: Sometimes you must accept defeat and ask for help, because no amount of elbow grease will take that patch of super-strong glue off your butt. Next time, don’t repair your favorite wine glass while you’re in the middle of a naked Twister game.

 Gemini: Go ahead, reach for the stars. Let the neighbors wonder why you’re waving your arms in the street and yelling “I’m coming for you, Pluto!” You can outwit them with your ambitious dreams, but you might not outrun them if they’re packing a strait jacket.

Cancer: Everyone seems to love your work, but you still think someone’s out to get you. It could be a royal scheme to get your desk dragons, or you could just be really in severe “Game of Thrones” withdrawal.

 Leo: You’re finally in the right place at the right time so don’t make the wrong move. Also, don’t freeze up. Or overthink it. And definitely don’t start hysterically giggling when the investors arrive. Otherwise, just be yourself.

Virgo:  Spring is in the air, but pride goes before a fall. If you’re at the end of the parade, watch your step and wear sensible shoes. Swap out the 12-inch heels for eight inches. The six-foot-tall, hairy Girl Scout cosplayers walking behind you will thank you.

Libra: Good news! The raccoons have accepted your bribe and your plan is ready to go. Now all you need is the barrel of coconut oil, a Go Pro camera, and three hula hoops. Remember all the little people when you’re famous.

Scorpio: Your mojo is on point this Friday; you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Seize the glory and everyone’s attention with a few of your best moves, and the free drinks will flow.

Sagittarius: Let a smile be your umbrella and you’ll slosh when you walk. At least when someone asks about your bulbous booty cheeks, you can honestly say it’s water weight. Also, you can knock them over when you turn around, because they’re rude.

 Capricorn: As the goat of the zodiac, you can scale any obstacle. That doesn’t mean you should, though. Keep your hooves on the ground and learn a bit of patience. You can climb that mountain next time.

Aquarius: You don’t need all of life’s answers, but you would appreciate a few. Here they are: left, Albuquerque, 42, and your high school locker combination.

Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, usually because someone just walked through it. Grab that doorknob and slide in before it slams shut. When in doubt, make friends with a janitor, because they have all the keys.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.

Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.

Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.

Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.

Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.

Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.

Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.

Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.

Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.

Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.

Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something  doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.

Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.

 

Aries: You’ve been in over your head so long, you could be a stunt double for The Shape of Water. No man is an island, but that one on your right looks sturdy enough to climb on for a while. Make some small talk until your fingers quit being pruny.

Taurus: Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.

Gemini: Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming “intervention.” Next time, don’t ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead.

Cancer: You may feel fit as a fiddle, but from the back you resemble a double bass. Head to the gym for a musical workout if you want someone to pluck your strings again.

Leo: Relax. It isn’t your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what’s new on Hulu.

Virgo: On Thursday, you stand out more than a game of Where’s Waldo at a nudist colony. Give up that woolly hat and pinch some color on all four of your cheeks if you want to fit in.

Libra: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.

Scorpio: It takes a big person to admit they’re wrong, but you’re still shopping in the juniors department. Slide over to the clearance rank and look for a large apology, because you have some growing to do.

Sagittarius: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.

Capricorn: You finally have the chance to show the world what you’re made of! Hopefully it’s not Cheetos, Real Housewives specials and laughing at your mailman’s ‘Dora the Explorer’ socks.

Aquarius: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Dollar Jell-O Shots night at your fave club. Their hangover will make your news seem small.

Pisces: After years of reaching for the stars, a wild meteor swings down to offer you a ride. It may turn out to be a UFO, but hop on anyway. Those aliens throw some amazing parties.

Photo by john paul tyrone  fernandez from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/blur-bokeh-bright-burnt-450301/

 

I started Wisecrack Zodiac in 2008, and it’s been the little blog that could for ten years! To celebrate, here’s one of the first horoscope columns from February 2008. It’s a bit of retro fun for you all. Thanks for reading and following! Here’s to the next ten years!

Aries: If you keep looking under rocks for love, you won’t find anything that will survive in sunlight.  Stand up, wash the mud off and take a walk. Cupid hits you when you least expect it, far away from naughty newts.

Taurus: Time to update your worldview; even Henry VIII would call you old-fashioned. Open a window to your mind and be patient: it takes time for all that dust and mildew to clear out.

Gemini: This week, you’re the angel of inspiration, spreading great ideas far and wide. Take a few for yourself, so when you feel the devil of distraction tapping on your shoulder, you can ignore his Facebook game invites.

Cancer: You need to go out dancing this weekend, but you’re wound too tight. If you shake your groove thang, you’ll pop a cog. Loosen up with a few disco moves by the photocopier. With luck, the boss will ask you to start your weekend early.

Leo: Music soothes the savage breast, but nothing can tame that vicious tushie of yours. Pull those leather pants out of the closet and strut your stuff on Tuesday.

Virgo: You’re feeling finer than frog hair on Thursday, and nothing can stop you. Still, slow down with the attitude around your sweetie, or you’ll be toad off.

Libra: Decisions can be hard, but it’s much easier if you pin “yes” and “no” tags on your kids, wait until they wrestle, and tell them the winner gets a new Lego set. Take that, Magic 8-Ball.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to be the brussel sprouts to your steak, and that won’t work. Tell them to either find a nice tofu to love, or step up and become the baked potato of your dreams. Extra points for sour cream and butter.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the clothes pin, other days you’re the wire, but on Friday you’re the extra large granny panties blowing in the wind. Find out who’s hanging you out to dry and snap their elastic.

Capricorn: Usually you’re sugar and spice and everything nice, but this week you’re packing some extra cayenne and habanero. If your coworkers try to bite off more than they can chew, you’ll make their eyes water.

Aquarius: As a water sign, you know your way around the pool. It’s time to get out and try something new on Saturday, though, because you’re all pruny and you need to find your land legs again.

Pisces: The world isn’t fair, and you’ve kept the receipts. Time to throw out that extra mental paperwork. The universe is asking you to trust it, so let go and fall back into its arms. After the team-building, there will be a buffet.

 

Aries: You’re not the type to sulk, but your toes are swollen from kicking all the furniture. Go ahead and admit you’re wrong before you get rug burn on that pouty bottom lip. Apology is good for the soul and better for your injured body parts.

Taurus: There’s no time like the present to accomplish your goal, unless you have a time machine. If so, you have all the time you want and the ultimate project to take on Shark Tank. Hello, money!

Gemini: Doubt roars into your mind like a drunk grizzly bear in a bikini. Either play dead until it’s gone, or tell it that you’d love to take its Tinder photo and run away while it’s choosing the perfect filter.

Cancer: Knowing what you want is fine, but getting it will be the tough part. Try to oil the wheels of progress with cash, chocolate or beer. If that doesn’t work, time to give up those Hamilton tickets.

Leo: Relax. The only one expecting perfection is you, and that’s a trick no one can pull off. Put up your feet, let your hair down and barricade your door so no one sees your one weird beauty trick.

Virgo: You know what you did, now how can you make it right? You could bring flowers, but go the extra mile and do that thing with the coconut oil and sparklers. Your sweetie will give you a big hug as soon as the flames die out.

Libra: Tuesday is so bright and shiny, you hate to take the plastic wrap off. Go ahead, it becomes even better when you play with it, and it doesn’t even need batteries.

Scorpio: You won’t find your soulmate at the bar on Saturday night, but you might find them at the pizza joint. If they offer you the last garlic knot, you’ll know they’re a keeper.

Sagittarius: Work stress is turning you into a supervillain, ad you’re one clown short of an evil army. Pick Marjorie in HR, she probably knows her way around exploding red noses and volcano lairs.

Capricorn: Stubborn may not be your middle name, but it’s definitely written in the birthmark on your left foot. If you hold your ground this time, though, you won’t have a free hand to catch a passing opportunity.

Aquarius: Usually when your stars align, they spell out ‘tough luck.’ On Friday, there’s a new message in your celestial inbox and for once, the Universe isn’t cursing at you.

Pisces: You want to be a gorgeous peacock, but you feel more like a plucked chicken. Be brave; someone thinks you have beautiful plumage, and that’s a feather in your cap.

 

Aries: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Taurus: You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for a Real Housewives reunion. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Gemini:  January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re caught up on your shows at the end of the year and you still have a pulse, you won.

Cancer: Taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Leo: You don’t need money to make your resolutions happen. All you need is a SnapChat account, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a open-minded earthworm rancher. Just let the magic happen.

Virgo: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Libra: Congratulations! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Scorpio: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Remember to take everyone’s phones away first, so there’s no photo evidence.

Sagittarius:  To everything there is a season, but  idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Capricorn: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, empty that treat closet.

Aquarius: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, grab your grouchy pants and jump back in the can with Oscar.

Pisces: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. Those new gym clothes are perfect for Netflix and pizza.

 

Aries: The days may feel short and dark, but there’s a brighter tomorrow around the bend. Keep on the path, and don’t step on any Legos. You don’t want to hop and cuss into your lovely, shiny future.

Taurus: You know the music, but it’s time for some new steps. Get out there and shake your groove thang in an exciting and different way. It doesn’t matter if people laugh; at least they notice you.

Gemini: The new year is coming, and you don’t have a single goal to wear. Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy in your zero-resolution sweatpants. While everyone’s working out at the gym, all the ice cream will be yours.

Cancer: You’ve never been the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but you do see the appeal of love ‘em and hide from ‘em in the garage. Pro tip: the wi-fi signal is pretty good out there.

Leo: You could listen to wisdom, but where’s the fun in that? Get the opinion of the guy on the corner wearing a trashcan helmet and making “vroom vroom” sounds. He seems to know all the strangest answers.

Virgo: This year may have worn you down like a pack of caffeinated squirrels, but you still have a bit of hope in your heart, and some chocolate in your pocket. Congratulations, you just won 2017.

Libra: Others may want you to fly like an eagle, but you know your true self is to hop around and mock others like a self-satisfied crow in the yard. Who needs lofty heights when you have a world of free entertainment around you?

Scorpio: You may feel light-headed, but the bulb is definitely burned out. Switch to a high-beam LED replacement, and your “Aha!” moments will be much brighter, even if all that light shows how dirty your mind really is.

Sagittarius: Someone’s decided to be the dog doo floating in your fruit punch. Dump the bowl over their head and pass out vodka -infused juice boxes instead. Your party is one thing they can’t ruin.

Capricorn: Some people shine bright like a diamond, and others are interesting like a rare fossil. You’re more like the rock thrown through someone’s window by a crabby neighbor. You fly well, but you should work on your message.

Aquarius: You don’t need New Year’s resolutions; you’re awesome the way you are. Share that with your co-workers by suggesting how they could improve themselves. There will be only a 33 percent chance they’ll slash your tires and your time card.

Pisces:  Celebrate, because your groove is finally back! Duct tape a tracking device to it so if you lose it again, you can just clap your hands and listen for the beep.

Aries: After years of trying, you’ve finally found your own voice. Too bad it sounds more like Pickle Rick than James Earl Jones. Practice alone in the bathroom before your big speech. Don’t worry, everyone thinks that’s the least objectionable thing you do in there.

Taurus: To thine own self be true; everyone else you can fib a little a bit. Except your grandma, because she can slap the truth out of you with just a cocked eyebrow. Don’t test her.

Gemini: Your coincidences have been so weird lately, even the dude behind Murphy’s Law says “Duuude.” Lay low for a few days and quit trying to tempt Fate; she’s hungry and looking for a snack like you.

Cancer: The early bird gets the worm, but who wants something that wiggly for breakfast? Be the late squirrel that stumbles out of the tree with bed fur and staggers into Starbucks for some decent coffee. If you’re lucky, they’ll also have those scones you like.

Leo: It takes time to heal, so if you can’t get back in the saddle, you can at least scoot around in a Big Wheel for a while, and just follow the horse on Instagram. Looks like he’s enjoying his vacation.

Virgo: You have a big job ahead, so get those hands dirty. Just make sure you have plenty of Wet Wipes when you’re done making mud pies. It’s easier to deny you threw them when your hands are nice and clean.

Libra: What goes around comes around, but if it keeps happening all day, you may be trapped on a carousel. Are you hanging onto a sculpted giraffe and trying not to throw up? If so, jump to safety and apologize to the baffled gentleman you just landed on.

Scorpio: Keep reaching for the stars. You may not accomplish your goals, but your back will be very limber and stretched out. A relaxed spine is just as good as a fulfilled dream.

Sagittarius: You’re not someone’s cup of tea, but you might be their Red Bull with a little vodka mixed in. You won’t go to the family reunion, but they will definitely want you around at the office Christmas party.

Capricorn: Find the beauty in every day, like the fact that Helen from sales is dragging toilet paper on her shoe, or Ralph’s creepy emails somehow landed in the HR inbox. Not that you had anything to do either. No. Not you.

Aquarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening. Just don’t take up a musical instrument, because trumpet practice makes everyone mad.

Pisces: You’re on automatic lately, and that’s fine. At least you’re on the go, so stay in the slow lane until all the fun gears kick in.

 

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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