You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘general weirdness’ category.

Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

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Aries: If you’re looking for your common sense, it’s shriveled up and under the couch with some lint-covered M&Ms and a really old banana. Dig it out, rinse it off and nurse it back to health. You’ll need it soon.

Taurus: You’re not bulletproof, your enemies just have bad aim. Bake them some cookies and make amends. You’ll have time to steal their paintball guns while they’re trying to digest your dismal cooking.

Gemini: The sun shines on you alone this Thursday, so pop out that inflatable greenhouse and make the most of it. If you’re pressed for time, just wear a potted plant on your head.

Cancer: Before you declare your new groove to be permanent, check the foundation for fire ants and paisley mold. Otherwise, your groove could bite you on the butt and constantly sing 60s folk songs when your back is turned.

Leo: Whether you realize it or not, you’re at the top of your game. Balance everything just right, and you won’t even crumple the Monopoly box you’re standing on.

Virgo: No one asked for your opinion, so it’s time to distribute it the old-school way; slip it under people’s windshield wipers like off-brand pizza coupons. Don’t worry about it flying away when they drive off. Your words have weight.

Libra: There’s always a better day on the horizon but why wait around to be happy? Do it now instead of waiting for the universe to rescue you like some wannabe princess in a cardboard castle.

Scorpio: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end, accompanied by screaming.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes on the prize, and you’ll have no idea what kind of cereal you’re eating for breakfast. It’s good to have goals, but occasionally look down to see where you are, too.

Capricorn: Everyone has a secret, and only you can charm it out of them. When the wheedling becomes too difficult, just offer them donuts or cash. They don’t need to know about your “Incredible Secrets Revealed!” podcast.

Aquarius: If things seem dark in your world, check to make sure you’re not still wearing eclipse glasses from last month. Sometimes the world needs a filter, but not right now.

Pisces: You’re dizzy from all the choices the world serves up this week. Instead of hiding under your bed, pick the one that pops into your head at 3 p.m. this Friday. It’s a winner. Or not. At least you’ll make a freaking decision about it, though.

Aries: Your boss thinks you’ve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They don’t realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. That’ll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they haven’t tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming “It’s the aliens again!” Some just aren’t as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: It’s fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, “A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs more talcum powder.” Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think you’ve solved the puzzle, but someone’s grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. You’ll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you can’t find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone else’s. One of your buddies isn’t using theirs, and if you cough up some dough they’ll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesn’t want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then it’s a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You don’t need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma you’re tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.

 

Aries: If you haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, it’s because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when you’re having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If there’s an angel on your shoulder, he’s only there to ask directions. Listen to him while he’s perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think you’re ready to spring something new on your boss, but you’re not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, you’ll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry can’t compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Don’t forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: You’re quick to judge others’ shortcomings, but you haven’t spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone else’s life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all A’s in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: You’re still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while you’re in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.

Aries: Feel free to take a chance on Friday, just remember to give one back next week so the “Take a chance, leave a chance” dish isn’t empty for someone else needing it.

Taurus: A bird will answer your question on Tuesday. It could cheep, peep, tweet or just flip at you. No matter the method, you’ll get the point.

Gemini: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re not. You forgot to set the parking brake on your car, and everyone has their phone out, recording your coupe doing a Thelma & Louise off the cliff.

Cancer: All good things must end, so they can take a breather before they start up again. Give the goodness in your life a brief break so they can have a snack and put their feet up.

Leo: Forget about the man in the mirror and be more concerned about the camera behind the glass. Is it the CIA? KGB? Or just the newest season of Big Brother? Find out so you know whose butt to kick.

Virgo: Soar among the clouds, and you’ll be dodging geese, camera-packing drones and chicken sandwiches in rockets. Sometimes it’s safer to just take the bus to your dreams.

Libra: Knowledge comes from the outside, wisdom comes from within and sarcasm is like sand in your swim trunks: it goes everywhere. You can try to dig it out, or just squeeze your butt cheeks and turn it into a pearl.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like a sumo wrestler in Spanx; something’s got to give, and innocent bystanders shouldn’t be around when it happens. Give everyone a heads up before you pop.

Sagittarius: Don’t bother to explain yourself. If people can’t understand a TV remote, they won’t get you. Just change your own channel and leave them stuck in an informercial for copper-studded jockstraps.

Capricorn: Your job takes an interesting turn on Monday, crashes into a road sign on Wednesday, stalls out on a railroad crossing on Thursday, and comes out of the body shop with a fresh paint job on Friday. Congrats on another typical week.

Aquarius: Something you’ve yearned for will finally happen. It could be a big break in your career, or those Chicken & Waffles Oreos you’ve dreamed about for years. If you work in a bakery, it could be both.

Pisces: You’re filled with new fire, but don’t reach for the heartburn medicine just yet. This time it’s a flame of inspiration and ambition, and it will goose you into a much better tax bracket. Remember your flame-retardant Underoos, and all will be good.

Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

Aries: The sky isn’t falling, but it might be throwing a few spitballs at you on Friday. Carry a fire-proof umbrella or learn to duck, because those suckers flame up on atmosphere re-entry.

Taurus: Words not only fail you this week, they slap a pointy dunce hat on you and stick you in the corner. Fortunately, your actions are a lot louder, especially if they’re top notch.

Gemini: You can be a good egg or a very naughty omelet. Depends on how cracked you are, and if anyone whips you up into a frenzy. Tell them to throw in a little cheese and spice, too.

Cancer: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, and wear some Axe body spray like no one’s sniffing. Two days later, you really will be alone.

Leo: You’ve blown past burning your candle at both ends; now you’re just sticking a propane torch directly into the vat of wax. Take a break before you have a complete meltdown.

Virgo: Someone else has the last word, but don’t worry, you get the last laugh. Mainly because they don’t know how to pronounce “cavalry.” Get back up on your high horse and ride off into the sunset.

Libra: When someone says it’s a mad world, do something nice for them. After that, they’ll just think it’s a hangry world in need of a good snack. It’s a step.

Scorpio: Don’t photocopy your private parts and staple them to your personnel review. That’s so old school. Take a pic and text it to your boss like you belong in this century.

Sagittarius: You think the fire-breathing dragon is trying to toast your tuckus, but really it just has bad heartburn and asthma. Wave a white flag and some Tums, and soon you’ll be besties.

Capricorn: Look on the bright side of life too much, and you’ll need some aloe vera for that sunburn. Relax, you don’t have to bask in the light all the time. Occasionally a creep through the darkened hallways of your mind will do you good.

Aquarius: Look for a spot of luck on Thursday. If you stretch it just right, that spot could grow into an oddly shaped stain of good fortune that covers the whole carpet.

Pisces: Everything feels like a struggle, but that’s because you have the strength to fight. Build those muscles with some planks and curls so you can show the world who’s boss. Don’t forget leg day, either.

Aries: Look deep inside and do some mental housecleaning. In the couch cushions of your mind, you’ll find an old Blockbuster receipt, two ancient Skittles and a weird memory from summer camp.  Toss all of that, spray a little Febreeze and you’re fresh as a daisy for the weeks ahead.

Taurus: Tuesday presents you with an opportunity. You can encourage it to bloom or stomp on it like an errant weed.  It wouldn’t hurt to develop some gardening skills, so life could smell a little sweeter.

Gemini: Time moves fast, but so do lizards on the sidewalk. Both can be fun to watch if you hold still for a few minutes, especially when that lizard runs up the pants leg of your snobby co-worker.

Cancer: Nobody’s perfect, but you could aim for at least being semi-normal once in a while. If you don’t, Karma will slap an “irregular” tag on you and ship you off to some discount outlet store.

Leo: Take a breath. Take another. There, now you have some oxygen getting to the brain and you can see how bad your new plan is. Think up something new, and keep that breathing habit.

Virgo: Thursday is fine, but Friday gooses you like that weird guy at the bus station. Keep an eye on it, and your back to the wall.

Libra: If you stay on the straight and narrow, you’ll never learn to handle the curves. Get out and find a crazy new road, so you’ll see what this baby can do.

Scorpio: Stop and smell the roses, but don’t get too close. There’s a bee named Merle who has it out for you because he saw what you did in the garden last month.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the moth, some days you’re the flame, and other days you just wonder who started this fire in the trash can. Don’t worry, you’ve had three cups of coffee; you know how to put it out.

Capricorn: Admit it. You’re tired of the same old crazy. Head over to the conspiracy singles mixer and pick up a brand new crazy; you’ll both look great in tinfoil hats.

Aquarius: Time to get into shape for bikini season! You’ll be on your third sit-up when you realize your best shape is a trapezoid. Good thing you bought a very stretchy thong and some water-resistant tassels.

Pisces: You believe your thoughts make beautiful music of the mind but in reality, it sounds like two mice having a wild party on a keytar.  Good thing is, you can still dance to it.

 

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.

Aries: If something goes awry, all is not lost. It’s simply misplaced. Look for your ambition under the sofa, and check the medicine cabinet for your courage. Whatever you do, leave the bottom drawer in the fridge alone.

Taurus: On Tuesday, you’ll awaken with a start, which is more exercise than you’ve had in weeks. Keep that heart pounding with a brief jog or by looking at the interest on your student loans.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve achieved a lifelong dream. Of course there will be letters from those against cruelty to rutabagas, but you can ignore the haters. You have triumphed over produce.

Cancer: You’re like a sugared-up hamster: wild, wooly, and ready to bite. No one should try to corral you, unless they, too, have a fascination with wheels and like to snuggle in wood shavings. If so, you’ve met your next sweetie.

Leo: Feeling fit as a fiddle? A special day is coming up, to prepare to whip out that bow and make those strings sing. You’ll have your hands full, so try not to drop that bass.

Virgo: Wednesday brings you trembling legs, sweaty palms and dry mouth. Either you’re in love, or you loaded up on expired gas station sushi again. You’ll uncurl from that fetal position by Friday, with a lesson learned.

Libra: Inspiration strikes this week, and it leaves a lightning bolt on your butt. Go ahead, seek out that truckload of mixed nuts, five AAA batteries and a kite, but add a camera too. No one should miss the moment you make YouTube history.

Scorpio: You find yourself in a tight situation, but belting out “Mandy” by Barry Manilow will set you free. Next time, don’t wear the Chewbacca mask through airport security checkpoints.

Sagittarius: The show must go on, even if you haven’t had your makeup done yet. If you’re not starring in a comedy, you will be, especially when that giant powder puff hits you in the face.

Capricorn: You’re not ready to get back in the saddle, but you can go commando and perch on a pillow until that chafing cools down. Next time, throw some talcum powder in those leather pants before you squirm into them.

Aquarius: Karma thinks you’re looking rather sexy these days. Flutter those lashes and wiggle that butt, because the universe is an excellent sugar daddy.

Pisces: Everyone calling your name can be nice, but not when they do it all at once. It’s not bad to want attention now and again, but you don’t get to choose between a gusher and a trickle. Be ready by the faucet, so you can turn it off when you want.

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