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I started Wisecrack Zodiac in 2008, and it’s been the little blog that could for ten years! To celebrate, here’s one of the first horoscope columns from February 2008. It’s a bit of retro fun for you all. Thanks for reading and following! Here’s to the next ten years!

Aries: If you keep looking under rocks for love, you won’t find anything that will survive in sunlight.  Stand up, wash the mud off and take a walk. Cupid hits you when you least expect it, far away from naughty newts.

Taurus: Time to update your worldview; even Henry VIII would call you old-fashioned. Open a window to your mind and be patient: it takes time for all that dust and mildew to clear out.

Gemini: This week, you’re the angel of inspiration, spreading great ideas far and wide. Take a few for yourself, so when you feel the devil of distraction tapping on your shoulder, you can ignore his Facebook game invites.

Cancer: You need to go out dancing this weekend, but you’re wound too tight. If you shake your groove thang, you’ll pop a cog. Loosen up with a few disco moves by the photocopier. With luck, the boss will ask you to start your weekend early.

Leo: Music soothes the savage breast, but nothing can tame that vicious tushie of yours. Pull those leather pants out of the closet and strut your stuff on Tuesday.

Virgo: You’re feeling finer than frog hair on Thursday, and nothing can stop you. Still, slow down with the attitude around your sweetie, or you’ll be toad off.

Libra: Decisions can be hard, but it’s much easier if you pin “yes” and “no” tags on your kids, wait until they wrestle, and tell them the winner gets a new Lego set. Take that, Magic 8-Ball.

Scorpio: Someone’s trying to be the brussel sprouts to your steak, and that won’t work. Tell them to either find a nice tofu to love, or step up and become the baked potato of your dreams. Extra points for sour cream and butter.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the clothes pin, other days you’re the wire, but on Friday you’re the extra large granny panties blowing in the wind. Find out who’s hanging you out to dry and snap their elastic.

Capricorn: Usually you’re sugar and spice and everything nice, but this week you’re packing some extra cayenne and habanero. If your coworkers try to bite off more than they can chew, you’ll make their eyes water.

Aquarius: As a water sign, you know your way around the pool. It’s time to get out and try something new on Saturday, though, because you’re all pruny and you need to find your land legs again.

Pisces: The world isn’t fair, and you’ve kept the receipts. Time to throw out that extra mental paperwork. The universe is asking you to trust it, so let go and fall back into its arms. After the team-building, there will be a buffet.

 

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Aries: You’re not the type to sulk, but your toes are swollen from kicking all the furniture. Go ahead and admit you’re wrong before you get rug burn on that pouty bottom lip. Apology is good for the soul and better for your injured body parts.

Taurus: There’s no time like the present to accomplish your goal, unless you have a time machine. If so, you have all the time you want and the ultimate project to take on Shark Tank. Hello, money!

Gemini: Doubt roars into your mind like a drunk grizzly bear in a bikini. Either play dead until it’s gone, or tell it that you’d love to take its Tinder photo and run away while it’s choosing the perfect filter.

Cancer: Knowing what you want is fine, but getting it will be the tough part. Try to oil the wheels of progress with cash, chocolate or beer. If that doesn’t work, time to give up those Hamilton tickets.

Leo: Relax. The only one expecting perfection is you, and that’s a trick no one can pull off. Put up your feet, let your hair down and barricade your door so no one sees your one weird beauty trick.

Virgo: You know what you did, now how can you make it right? You could bring flowers, but go the extra mile and do that thing with the coconut oil and sparklers. Your sweetie will give you a big hug as soon as the flames die out.

Libra: Tuesday is so bright and shiny, you hate to take the plastic wrap off. Go ahead, it becomes even better when you play with it, and it doesn’t even need batteries.

Scorpio: You won’t find your soulmate at the bar on Saturday night, but you might find them at the pizza joint. If they offer you the last garlic knot, you’ll know they’re a keeper.

Sagittarius: Work stress is turning you into a supervillain, ad you’re one clown short of an evil army. Pick Marjorie in HR, she probably knows her way around exploding red noses and volcano lairs.

Capricorn: Stubborn may not be your middle name, but it’s definitely written in the birthmark on your left foot. If you hold your ground this time, though, you won’t have a free hand to catch a passing opportunity.

Aquarius: Usually when your stars align, they spell out ‘tough luck.’ On Friday, there’s a new message in your celestial inbox and for once, the Universe isn’t cursing at you.

Pisces: You want to be a gorgeous peacock, but you feel more like a plucked chicken. Be brave; someone thinks you have beautiful plumage, and that’s a feather in your cap.

 

Aries: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Taurus: You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for a Real Housewives reunion. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Gemini:  January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re caught up on your shows at the end of the year and you still have a pulse, you won.

Cancer: Taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Leo: You don’t need money to make your resolutions happen. All you need is a SnapChat account, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a open-minded earthworm rancher. Just let the magic happen.

Virgo: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Libra: Congratulations! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Scorpio: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Remember to take everyone’s phones away first, so there’s no photo evidence.

Sagittarius:  To everything there is a season, but  idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Capricorn: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, empty that treat closet.

Aquarius: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, grab your grouchy pants and jump back in the can with Oscar.

Pisces: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. Those new gym clothes are perfect for Netflix and pizza.

 

Aries: The days may feel short and dark, but there’s a brighter tomorrow around the bend. Keep on the path, and don’t step on any Legos. You don’t want to hop and cuss into your lovely, shiny future.

Taurus: You know the music, but it’s time for some new steps. Get out there and shake your groove thang in an exciting and different way. It doesn’t matter if people laugh; at least they notice you.

Gemini: The new year is coming, and you don’t have a single goal to wear. Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy in your zero-resolution sweatpants. While everyone’s working out at the gym, all the ice cream will be yours.

Cancer: You’ve never been the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but you do see the appeal of love ‘em and hide from ‘em in the garage. Pro tip: the wi-fi signal is pretty good out there.

Leo: You could listen to wisdom, but where’s the fun in that? Get the opinion of the guy on the corner wearing a trashcan helmet and making “vroom vroom” sounds. He seems to know all the strangest answers.

Virgo: This year may have worn you down like a pack of caffeinated squirrels, but you still have a bit of hope in your heart, and some chocolate in your pocket. Congratulations, you just won 2017.

Libra: Others may want you to fly like an eagle, but you know your true self is to hop around and mock others like a self-satisfied crow in the yard. Who needs lofty heights when you have a world of free entertainment around you?

Scorpio: You may feel light-headed, but the bulb is definitely burned out. Switch to a high-beam LED replacement, and your “Aha!” moments will be much brighter, even if all that light shows how dirty your mind really is.

Sagittarius: Someone’s decided to be the dog doo floating in your fruit punch. Dump the bowl over their head and pass out vodka -infused juice boxes instead. Your party is one thing they can’t ruin.

Capricorn: Some people shine bright like a diamond, and others are interesting like a rare fossil. You’re more like the rock thrown through someone’s window by a crabby neighbor. You fly well, but you should work on your message.

Aquarius: You don’t need New Year’s resolutions; you’re awesome the way you are. Share that with your co-workers by suggesting how they could improve themselves. There will be only a 33 percent chance they’ll slash your tires and your time card.

Pisces:  Celebrate, because your groove is finally back! Duct tape a tracking device to it so if you lose it again, you can just clap your hands and listen for the beep.

Aries: After years of trying, you’ve finally found your own voice. Too bad it sounds more like Pickle Rick than James Earl Jones. Practice alone in the bathroom before your big speech. Don’t worry, everyone thinks that’s the least objectionable thing you do in there.

Taurus: To thine own self be true; everyone else you can fib a little a bit. Except your grandma, because she can slap the truth out of you with just a cocked eyebrow. Don’t test her.

Gemini: Your coincidences have been so weird lately, even the dude behind Murphy’s Law says “Duuude.” Lay low for a few days and quit trying to tempt Fate; she’s hungry and looking for a snack like you.

Cancer: The early bird gets the worm, but who wants something that wiggly for breakfast? Be the late squirrel that stumbles out of the tree with bed fur and staggers into Starbucks for some decent coffee. If you’re lucky, they’ll also have those scones you like.

Leo: It takes time to heal, so if you can’t get back in the saddle, you can at least scoot around in a Big Wheel for a while, and just follow the horse on Instagram. Looks like he’s enjoying his vacation.

Virgo: You have a big job ahead, so get those hands dirty. Just make sure you have plenty of Wet Wipes when you’re done making mud pies. It’s easier to deny you threw them when your hands are nice and clean.

Libra: What goes around comes around, but if it keeps happening all day, you may be trapped on a carousel. Are you hanging onto a sculpted giraffe and trying not to throw up? If so, jump to safety and apologize to the baffled gentleman you just landed on.

Scorpio: Keep reaching for the stars. You may not accomplish your goals, but your back will be very limber and stretched out. A relaxed spine is just as good as a fulfilled dream.

Sagittarius: You’re not someone’s cup of tea, but you might be their Red Bull with a little vodka mixed in. You won’t go to the family reunion, but they will definitely want you around at the office Christmas party.

Capricorn: Find the beauty in every day, like the fact that Helen from sales is dragging toilet paper on her shoe, or Ralph’s creepy emails somehow landed in the HR inbox. Not that you had anything to do either. No. Not you.

Aquarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening. Just don’t take up a musical instrument, because trumpet practice makes everyone mad.

Pisces: You’re on automatic lately, and that’s fine. At least you’re on the go, so stay in the slow lane until all the fun gears kick in.

 

Aries: You don’t have to be the brightest bulb in the pack, but you should at least shine enough light so someone doesn’t stub their toe on the way to the bathroom at 2 a.m. Work harder on your glow, so you won’t be outshone by a kid’s nightlight.

Taurus: An idea pops into your head, and it just might work! Quick, write it down before it’s pushed out by every Beyonce lyric you know. Oops, too late. Should’ve put a ring on it.

Gemini: Life is filled with mysteries, but the one you’re pondering would stump even Nancy Drew. Lock those thoughts away, because no one should think too hard about the ingredients of candy corn-flavored Twinkies.

Cancer: If someone says a picture is worth a thousand words, up the ante to two thousand. Better yet, hold out for Hamilton tickets and a reserved parking space, because that photo you took of the boss and three store mannequins at the Halloween party is worth it.

Leo: You haven’t found your place in life, but don’t worry. Who said it was all assigned seating anyway? Pitch a tent anywhere you like, just don’t get caught in the zipper.

Virgo: Every dog has its day, but the cat has batted a month of Sundays under the fridge. Use them if you need a bit of spare time, just remember to replace them with catnip treats later.

Libra: This Thursday, you can sparkle like a diamond or just sit there like a lump of coal. If you can’t polish yourself up, grab a Spanx bodysuit. That’ll squeeze you into rockhard shape.

Scorpio: The world’s a carnival, and you’re tired of bringing home goldfish in a plastic bag. Work on your moves; your full-force charm can topple bowling pins at 50 paces. Soon you’ll score those giant fluffy unicorns from the top shelf.

Sagittarius: You know you’re hot stuff, even though someone keeps saying you’re cold Spam on a paper plate. Shake some of your ghost pepper sauce on them; they’ll learn that your burn is worse than your bite.

Capricorn: Your house is still packed with relatives, but you’ll clear them out in no time when you wear a bikini made from bologna and Thanksgiving leftovers. Hey, if they didn’t want to see your yams hanging out, they should have left after dessert.

Aquarius: After some rough seas, you’ve found a nifty harbor and docked your boat. Don’t worry if you wobble; you’ll either lose those sea legs or be really entertaining at crosswalks.

Pisces: Some victories are hard-won, while others are passed out like candy. Good thing you know how to sweet-talk Karma for a sugary delight on Friday.

Aries: Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.

Taurus: You think the world is all about you. Here’s the deal; it is. You’re the only one who can change it, so quit pouting behind Pluto and fix your own orbit.

Gemini: Don’t curse the bucket when you step in it and get your foot caught. Karma’s just giving you a handy container so you can scoop up some opportunities this week. Take your foot out first, though.

Cancer: Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.

Leo: Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.

Virgo: While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.

Libra: You’re one rubber chicken away from being the oldest joke in the book. Toss the clown nose and go for something edgy; maybe some naughty skywriting will get you in the news. And you’ll always have the chicken for snuggling during those long winter nights.

Scorpio: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

Sagittarius: From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.

Capricorn: Change is good, but a dump truck of pennies can really put a crimp in your day. Step aside until the shower of small blessings is done, then grab some penny rollers and get to work.

Aquarius: You’re a lone wolf, but you’re definitely not blowing anyone down. Skip the pigs and find someone on Friday who’s worth all that huffing and puffing.

Pisces: You can dance to anyone’s music, but your best moves happen when you have your own beat. Grab that mixtape and get ready to shake those tailfeathers; someone important is watching.

Aries: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.

Taurus: Don’t drink the Kool-Aid your co-worker is offering, unless you want to end up in a white robe selling flower seeds door-to-door. You might ask them for their Kool-Aid recipe, though. You could use some minions of your own.

Gemini: You’ll savor a delicious Monday, a fresh, artisanal Thursday and a Friday that’s crap unless you cover it in Sriracha. Good thing you have a home-cooked Saturday in the freezer.

Cancer: Lately, your life’s been stranger than a sugar-free Candy Land game. Sweeten the pot with an old-fashioned taffy pull. You may not win the race, but you might ace the tug-o-war.

Leo: If you have a spring in your step, it probably means you’ve stomped through the Slinky display at the toy store. Don’t dig it out of your shoe yet; that’s the bounciest you’ve been in weeks.

Virgo: You used to worry about a little bird spilling secrets all around town, but now they’ve gone global on Twitter. Either clean up your act, or pray for bird flu.

Libra: Your deepest, darkest secret ends up on Instagram. You could hide away in embarrassment, or re-brand yourself as an inspirational influencer and grab yourself a million-dollar book deal.

Scorpio: Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the mail this week; it could be money, or a box of mismatched socks your great aunt Louise found behind the dryer. When life doesn’t give you cash, you can always make sock puppets.

Capricorn: You’re so impatient on Friday, even instant coffee takes too long. Shift into a lower gear, before the local barista gets tired of your sass and smacks you with a bag of ancient biscotti.

Aquarius: Things are looking up, especially since you bought that stepladder. Go ahead, reach for the top shelf in life, because that’s where all the good cereal and liquor is kept. Enjoy your breakfast of gourmet Rice Krispies in craft beer.

Pisces: Some think you can’t see the forest for the trees, but you’re just trying to whack your way out of the thorn bushes down the hill. Keep swinging that machete, eventually you’ll see a tree or an exasperated forest ranger.

Aries: It’s time for a good, long look into your soul. Bring a flashlight and some snacks, because this could take awhile. Remember to pick up all your litter afterward, otherwise an empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis.

Taurus: You discover the secret of life, the universe, and everything, but you’re sworn to secrecy. It’s just as well, people would doubt your sanity if you mentioned the tiny mice in lab coats.

Gemini: Sometimes the universe has a good day at work, so you get a special prize box filled with awesome goodies. Write a thank-you note on Wednesday, and slip it into the universe’s lunch tote.

Cancer: Go ahead, be all you can be, but realize there are some things you can’t be. Like a goldfish, a rhombus, or sympathetic toward the Kardashians.

Leo: You have a mighty roar, but you also have a rather cute meow. Quit straining those vocal cords, and use your kitten charms to get what you want on Friday. There will be catnip.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, but you still need to pay up if you want that 100-inch screen TV. Grab your elbow pads and helmet, because Black Friday is around the corner.

Libra: Step carefully; your sweetie is dropping hints, and you’re likely to trip over a pile of them in the hallway. Get a box and collect them all like Pokemon, so you’ll finally have a clue.

Scorpio: Hiding your feelings is like sticking a melon baller down your pants. It’s cold and awkward, but after a while you get used to it. Pull out those emotions and run them through the dishwasher before you share.

Sagittarius: The universe may not cough up money on your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of opportunities on you this week. Brush up your resume’ and get a flu shot.

Capricorn: If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful, like a sorcerer or the tech nerd who can fix your computer. Stock up on Red Bull, sushi and massage oil.

Aquarius: You have something stuck in your craw, but that’s okay. It’s time to power wash those old opinions out of there anyway.  Put on goggles and hand the hose to your BFF. Hey, what could go wrong?

Pisces: When you asked the universe for a sign, you didn’t expect it to smack you over the head with one. Tell Karma you get the message, before it turns into an old lady beating you with her purse.

Aries: You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus.

Taurus: When one door closes, another one opens.  Quick, stick your hand out and catch it, so you can sneak out of the house without the kids.

Gemini: An unusual situation leaves you speechless. Remember, use your words. When that fails, whip out that giant American Gladiator Q-Tip you keep in your locker for emergencies.

Cancer:  Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.

Leo: The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jetpack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.

Virgo: Truth travels with strange company, and there’s no one stranger than your in-laws after a few rounds of Bloody Marys. Either mix their drinks weak, or excuse yourself from the room when they start reminiscing about their wild swinging days in the 70s. You can’t scrub those images out of your head with a steel brush.

Libra: That great idea you have is a misdemeanor in seven states unless you get a signed waiver from a raccoon and three turtles. Stock up on strawberries, batteries and your neighbor’s garbage once the paperwork is done.

Scorpio: A great journey begins with just one step, and you’ve tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.

Sagittarius: Your boss has an uneasy question for you, but that’s okay. You have an unsettling answer. Remember to wipe down the copier after you photocopy your butt and wallpaper his office in hiney portraits.

Capricorn: You’re only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you’ve erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they’re too weak from binging ‘Stranger Things’ to chase you to the Upside Down.

Aquarius: There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.

Pisces:  Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Bactine.

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