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Aries: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Taurus: You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for a Real Housewives reunion. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Gemini:  January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re caught up on your shows at the end of the year and you still have a pulse, you won.

Cancer: Taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Leo: You don’t need money to make your resolutions happen. All you need is a SnapChat account, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a open-minded earthworm rancher. Just let the magic happen.

Virgo: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Libra: Congratulations! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Scorpio: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Remember to take everyone’s phones away first, so there’s no photo evidence.

Sagittarius:  To everything there is a season, but  idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Capricorn: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, empty that treat closet.

Aquarius: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, grab your grouchy pants and jump back in the can with Oscar.

Pisces: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. Those new gym clothes are perfect for Netflix and pizza.

 

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Aries: You’re as snug as a bug in a rug, but maybe that rug is too snug. And did you just feel a spider tickle your leg? Get out of that rug and go jogging. The exercise will keep you warmer, anyway.

Taurus: It’s easy to mime all the words, but you need a change of tune. Get yourself off the “oh-woe-is-me” station, and onto something cheerier, like the tragic country song channel. Or showtunes.

Gemini: No one needs to ask if you’re ready for the new year. You’re about to jump it, bite it on the neck and shake it like a squeaky dog toy. Remember to wipe off the drool before you present it to your sweetie.

Cancer: You feel like a million bucks, but your look is only worth $2.38. Exchange all those ugly Christmas sweaters from your family and get yourself something more flattering, like a zoot suit and a piano tie. Now you’re stylin’.

Leo: The winners’ circle is so familiar, you have your own chair permanently reserved. This time, offer it to someone who’s never been there before. You may be out of the spotlight for a few moments, but you’ll score some major Karma points and maybe a free snack.

Virgo: With the wind at your back, you’ll make great progress riding or sailing, but the trip will be rough if everyone behind you had the triple chili dog special for lunch. Either ride faster, or get friends with better digestion.

Libra: A leopard can’t change its spots, but it can connect the dots. Get out your crayons and take off your clothes; the New Year is about to become very entertaining. Leave your fuzzy socks on, though; it’s cold.

Scorpio: Some days you’re classier than caviar on crystal, and other days you’re a Pop Tart on a paper plate. This week you’re the latter, with strawberry filling, and everyone wants a bite.

Sagittarius: Adventure used to be your middle name, but now it’s dropped down into the list of past aliases. Grab a jacket and your keys and head out to a new experience. Don’t forget your phone, of course. Duh. New experiences have to be Instagrammed.

Capricorn: You’ve always said you never take offense and that’s true: you’ve never nicked someone’s barbed wire. But you might punch the guy who just insulted your soufflé.

Aquarius: If you’re tired of jumping through hoops, grab the whip and chase the ringmaster. He can’t escape you, because all that leaping has been awesome for your thigh muscles, and you can make him do a few jumps of his own.

Pisces: Life has ups and downs, but you’re used to moving sideways. Flex those muscles, and get ready to climb upward for the new year.

Aries: The days may feel short and dark, but there’s a brighter tomorrow around the bend. Keep on the path, and don’t step on any Legos. You don’t want to hop and cuss into your lovely, shiny future.

Taurus: You know the music, but it’s time for some new steps. Get out there and shake your groove thang in an exciting and different way. It doesn’t matter if people laugh; at least they notice you.

Gemini: The new year is coming, and you don’t have a single goal to wear. Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy in your zero-resolution sweatpants. While everyone’s working out at the gym, all the ice cream will be yours.

Cancer: You’ve never been the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but you do see the appeal of love ‘em and hide from ‘em in the garage. Pro tip: the wi-fi signal is pretty good out there.

Leo: You could listen to wisdom, but where’s the fun in that? Get the opinion of the guy on the corner wearing a trashcan helmet and making “vroom vroom” sounds. He seems to know all the strangest answers.

Virgo: This year may have worn you down like a pack of caffeinated squirrels, but you still have a bit of hope in your heart, and some chocolate in your pocket. Congratulations, you just won 2017.

Libra: Others may want you to fly like an eagle, but you know your true self is to hop around and mock others like a self-satisfied crow in the yard. Who needs lofty heights when you have a world of free entertainment around you?

Scorpio: You may feel light-headed, but the bulb is definitely burned out. Switch to a high-beam LED replacement, and your “Aha!” moments will be much brighter, even if all that light shows how dirty your mind really is.

Sagittarius: Someone’s decided to be the dog doo floating in your fruit punch. Dump the bowl over their head and pass out vodka -infused juice boxes instead. Your party is one thing they can’t ruin.

Capricorn: Some people shine bright like a diamond, and others are interesting like a rare fossil. You’re more like the rock thrown through someone’s window by a crabby neighbor. You fly well, but you should work on your message.

Aquarius: You don’t need New Year’s resolutions; you’re awesome the way you are. Share that with your co-workers by suggesting how they could improve themselves. There will be only a 33 percent chance they’ll slash your tires and your time card.

Pisces:  Celebrate, because your groove is finally back! Duct tape a tracking device to it so if you lose it again, you can just clap your hands and listen for the beep.

Aries: After years of trying, you’ve finally found your own voice. Too bad it sounds more like Pickle Rick than James Earl Jones. Practice alone in the bathroom before your big speech. Don’t worry, everyone thinks that’s the least objectionable thing you do in there.

Taurus: To thine own self be true; everyone else you can fib a little a bit. Except your grandma, because she can slap the truth out of you with just a cocked eyebrow. Don’t test her.

Gemini: Your coincidences have been so weird lately, even the dude behind Murphy’s Law says “Duuude.” Lay low for a few days and quit trying to tempt Fate; she’s hungry and looking for a snack like you.

Cancer: The early bird gets the worm, but who wants something that wiggly for breakfast? Be the late squirrel that stumbles out of the tree with bed fur and staggers into Starbucks for some decent coffee. If you’re lucky, they’ll also have those scones you like.

Leo: It takes time to heal, so if you can’t get back in the saddle, you can at least scoot around in a Big Wheel for a while, and just follow the horse on Instagram. Looks like he’s enjoying his vacation.

Virgo: You have a big job ahead, so get those hands dirty. Just make sure you have plenty of Wet Wipes when you’re done making mud pies. It’s easier to deny you threw them when your hands are nice and clean.

Libra: What goes around comes around, but if it keeps happening all day, you may be trapped on a carousel. Are you hanging onto a sculpted giraffe and trying not to throw up? If so, jump to safety and apologize to the baffled gentleman you just landed on.

Scorpio: Keep reaching for the stars. You may not accomplish your goals, but your back will be very limber and stretched out. A relaxed spine is just as good as a fulfilled dream.

Sagittarius: You’re not someone’s cup of tea, but you might be their Red Bull with a little vodka mixed in. You won’t go to the family reunion, but they will definitely want you around at the office Christmas party.

Capricorn: Find the beauty in every day, like the fact that Helen from sales is dragging toilet paper on her shoe, or Ralph’s creepy emails somehow landed in the HR inbox. Not that you had anything to do either. No. Not you.

Aquarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening. Just don’t take up a musical instrument, because trumpet practice makes everyone mad.

Pisces: You’re on automatic lately, and that’s fine. At least you’re on the go, so stay in the slow lane until all the fun gears kick in.

 

Aries: You’re flying high, but someone wants to cut you loose. Learn to focus on where you’re going and where you’ve been, otherwise your kite will end up in a tree, no strings attached.

Taurus: You’ve gotta crawl before you walk, and walk before you run, but there’s no prerequisite for just rolling around in mud and self-pity, so your week is wide open.

Gemini: If you’re convinced you can leap over buildings in a single bound, you need new shoes or new meds. Treat yo’self on Friday and get both. The sidewalks will be much safer afterward.

Cancer: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. That horse has much better taste. Fix him an appletini and you’ll have your promotion in the bag. Along with some sugar cubes.

Leo: You’re the little engine that could, but even you need some time off the tracks now and then. Find a nice tunnel and play around with some new maneuvers after dark.

Virgo: Not only can you handle the truth, you can bop it, sock it, juggle it and twist it into balloon animals. Tell everyone to step back on Thursday, so your awesome doesn’t splash on their shoes.

Libra: Everyone needs a little love, but you’re digging in some weird places to get it. Put down the shovel, send the canaries home and head out with friends. Cupid loves to target herds on the move.

Scorpio: You can try to explain yourself, but unless you provide maps, diagrams and a Klingon-to-Esperanto dictionary, it won’t work. Just keep doing your thing; people around you will either get it or they’ll call the cops. Either way, you’ll have an audience.

Sagittarius: The best things in life may be free, but the things you want to rub people’s noses in require cold, hard cash. Time to start up your one-person polka band/poetry reading business again.

Capricorn: Think about what you really want this week. Visualize it, hold it in your mind. Got it? Great, now forget that. You’re getting something completely different. Hope you like sticky kids, discount Santas and flirting with the stockboy at Target.

Aquarius: Don’t be flattered if someone says you’re the wind beneath their wings. They called you a bird fart, which means if they stink, they’ll blame you. Drop ‘em on their feathered butts and find a new gig that doesn’t require you holding your breath after lunch.

Pisces: The best is yet to come, but it won’t get here any faster if you tap your toe and stare at the horizon. Relax, have a beer. You’re on Karma’s time and she loves a parade.

Aries: You don’t have to be the brightest bulb in the pack, but you should at least shine enough light so someone doesn’t stub their toe on the way to the bathroom at 2 a.m. Work harder on your glow, so you won’t be outshone by a kid’s nightlight.

Taurus: An idea pops into your head, and it just might work! Quick, write it down before it’s pushed out by every Beyonce lyric you know. Oops, too late. Should’ve put a ring on it.

Gemini: Life is filled with mysteries, but the one you’re pondering would stump even Nancy Drew. Lock those thoughts away, because no one should think too hard about the ingredients of candy corn-flavored Twinkies.

Cancer: If someone says a picture is worth a thousand words, up the ante to two thousand. Better yet, hold out for Hamilton tickets and a reserved parking space, because that photo you took of the boss and three store mannequins at the Halloween party is worth it.

Leo: You haven’t found your place in life, but don’t worry. Who said it was all assigned seating anyway? Pitch a tent anywhere you like, just don’t get caught in the zipper.

Virgo: Every dog has its day, but the cat has batted a month of Sundays under the fridge. Use them if you need a bit of spare time, just remember to replace them with catnip treats later.

Libra: This Thursday, you can sparkle like a diamond or just sit there like a lump of coal. If you can’t polish yourself up, grab a Spanx bodysuit. That’ll squeeze you into rockhard shape.

Scorpio: The world’s a carnival, and you’re tired of bringing home goldfish in a plastic bag. Work on your moves; your full-force charm can topple bowling pins at 50 paces. Soon you’ll score those giant fluffy unicorns from the top shelf.

Sagittarius: You know you’re hot stuff, even though someone keeps saying you’re cold Spam on a paper plate. Shake some of your ghost pepper sauce on them; they’ll learn that your burn is worse than your bite.

Capricorn: Your house is still packed with relatives, but you’ll clear them out in no time when you wear a bikini made from bologna and Thanksgiving leftovers. Hey, if they didn’t want to see your yams hanging out, they should have left after dessert.

Aquarius: After some rough seas, you’ve found a nifty harbor and docked your boat. Don’t worry if you wobble; you’ll either lose those sea legs or be really entertaining at crosswalks.

Pisces: Some victories are hard-won, while others are passed out like candy. Good thing you know how to sweet-talk Karma for a sugary delight on Friday.

Aries: Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.

Taurus: You think the world is all about you. Here’s the deal; it is. You’re the only one who can change it, so quit pouting behind Pluto and fix your own orbit.

Gemini: Don’t curse the bucket when you step in it and get your foot caught. Karma’s just giving you a handy container so you can scoop up some opportunities this week. Take your foot out first, though.

Cancer: Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.

Leo: Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.

Virgo: While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.

Libra: You’re one rubber chicken away from being the oldest joke in the book. Toss the clown nose and go for something edgy; maybe some naughty skywriting will get you in the news. And you’ll always have the chicken for snuggling during those long winter nights.

Scorpio: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

Sagittarius: From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.

Capricorn: Change is good, but a dump truck of pennies can really put a crimp in your day. Step aside until the shower of small blessings is done, then grab some penny rollers and get to work.

Aquarius: You’re a lone wolf, but you’re definitely not blowing anyone down. Skip the pigs and find someone on Friday who’s worth all that huffing and puffing.

Pisces: You can dance to anyone’s music, but your best moves happen when you have your own beat. Grab that mixtape and get ready to shake those tailfeathers; someone important is watching.

Aries: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.

Taurus: Don’t drink the Kool-Aid your co-worker is offering, unless you want to end up in a white robe selling flower seeds door-to-door. You might ask them for their Kool-Aid recipe, though. You could use some minions of your own.

Gemini: You’ll savor a delicious Monday, a fresh, artisanal Thursday and a Friday that’s crap unless you cover it in Sriracha. Good thing you have a home-cooked Saturday in the freezer.

Cancer: Lately, your life’s been stranger than a sugar-free Candy Land game. Sweeten the pot with an old-fashioned taffy pull. You may not win the race, but you might ace the tug-o-war.

Leo: If you have a spring in your step, it probably means you’ve stomped through the Slinky display at the toy store. Don’t dig it out of your shoe yet; that’s the bounciest you’ve been in weeks.

Virgo: You used to worry about a little bird spilling secrets all around town, but now they’ve gone global on Twitter. Either clean up your act, or pray for bird flu.

Libra: Your deepest, darkest secret ends up on Instagram. You could hide away in embarrassment, or re-brand yourself as an inspirational influencer and grab yourself a million-dollar book deal.

Scorpio: Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the mail this week; it could be money, or a box of mismatched socks your great aunt Louise found behind the dryer. When life doesn’t give you cash, you can always make sock puppets.

Capricorn: You’re so impatient on Friday, even instant coffee takes too long. Shift into a lower gear, before the local barista gets tired of your sass and smacks you with a bag of ancient biscotti.

Aquarius: Things are looking up, especially since you bought that stepladder. Go ahead, reach for the top shelf in life, because that’s where all the good cereal and liquor is kept. Enjoy your breakfast of gourmet Rice Krispies in craft beer.

Pisces: Some think you can’t see the forest for the trees, but you’re just trying to whack your way out of the thorn bushes down the hill. Keep swinging that machete, eventually you’ll see a tree or an exasperated forest ranger.