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Aries: Your guilt squishes you down like a bacon press into a hot pan. Make amends for your wrongheadedness before you start to pop and sizzle in a pool of fat and regret.

Taurus: You want to be a better person, if only it didn’t take so much actual work. Give a cheer if you have the energy, because a shortcut to sainthood will pop up on Friday. Take it and you’ll be someone’s  hero of the day.

Gemini: There’s an entire world outside your own head, so quit pacing in your brain’s living room and get some exercise. But take a jacket, it’s chilly out there.

Cancer: You feel like a pretty, pretty princess. The universe doesn’t care whether you’re a lumberjack or ballerina, so slap on that tiara, fluff out that ball gown and work it, honey.

Leo: Some days open like a budding flower, others snap like a cranky crocodile. Practice those fast reactions and stay on your toes, or you could lose a few.

Virgo: Everything isn’t always about you; sometimes it’s just slightly about you. The only thing that would make staring into your belly button more exciting is if there’s a webcam embedded in it. You may not be the lead actor in the play today but you’ll probably steal the show anyway.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drums, but you skip along to the sound of a mad hornet caught in a soda can. Keep it up, because sometimes rhythm is overrated.

Scorpio: You can look for the beauty in each moment, but you’re likely to end up with a bunch of pimply, irregular minutes in your day. Gloss them over with a great attitude, some pancake makeup and a three-martini lunch. Everything looks better after that.

Sagittarius: No one’s asking you to be the best, because they know you too well. Try to keep your body parts attached, the car upright and the house in one piece, and you can consider yourself a success.

Capricorn: It would be easier to let a little light into your life if you didn’t have the shades duct-taped to the wall. Make the tiniest effort toward hope and the universe will be so surprised, it will reward you.

Aquarius: Shake up your routine and adopt a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome. Not only will you be a pet rescuer, the P.T.O. meetings will never be boring again.

Pisces: Rise to the occasion on Wednesday and face the storm front. You’ll find out most storms are just gusts of hot air and short bursts of crocodile tears. This one will pass so fast, Jim Cantore wouldn’t even put on a windbreaker for it.

  1. Mel Gibson will form a band with Jesse James and Bombshell McGee and find a new career on the Bar Mitzvah circuit.
  2. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will make a pinkie pledge to quit booze and keep their panties on for one whole year.
  3. In order to rebel against their Facebooking, texting, Tweeting parents, teenagers will start passing notes written on paper and talking face to face again.
  4. A malfunctioning satellite sends a high-pitched whistle through every DVR and television in the country. This causes the entire population to wake up, realize that reality television is crap, and pick up a book.
  5. After Glenn Beck receives a Viagra prescription, he loses all interest in Hitler and starts a new life as a porn actor.
  6. The zombie apocalypse finally happens, and the undead take over government in Washington, D.C.  Once people see the zombies are an improvement, they’re all voted in for several terms.
  7. Betty White replaces Angelina Jolie in the role of a latex-clad dominatrix in a blockbuster movie. Elder S&M clubs pop up all over the country, with little old ladies snapping whips and yelling, “Who’s Your Granny?”
  8. Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Larry Ellison follow through with their pledge to give away their fortunes. They buy an RV and travel together across the country to personally hand every person $1,000 in cash.
  9. David Hasselhoff starts a career in politics. No one cares until he promises that if he becomes President, KITT will be Vice-President. Later on, KITT will leave the White House in disgrace when he’s found with two hot Corvettes in a secret garage tryst.
  10. Republicans and Democrats finally agree on a health care bill. The bill doesn’t mention doctors, hospitals or any other luxuries, but does include free Viagra, ibuprofen, Band-Aids, tequila and chocolate for everyone.
  11. Internet porn evolves as men get bored with outside appearances and become aroused by X-Rays of a nice, big set of lungs or a saucy CAT scan. College girls only receive beads at Mardi Gras if they flash their SAT scores.
  12. The world explodes in a giant fireball on December 21, 2012. Survivors discover James Cameron rigged the globe-ending stunt for a movie scene that he claims will be “three times as brilliant as Avatar.” The remnants of humanity spend their last days on Earth kicking his ass before the Vulcans finally arrive.

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