Aries: You’ve brought a banana to a gunfight, but that’s okay. The other person brought granola and milk. Turns out you’re both really bad at identifying weaponry, but excellent at breakfast.

Taurus: A work situation has you worried. Relax. Your boss did join Instagram, but he probably won’t recognize his own car in all your ‘arty’ nude photos. Still wouldn’t hurt to freshen up your resume’, just in case.

Gemini: Change is coming! First it’s the nickels, next, the dimes, and finally you find a cache of quarters. Don’t complain about your bounty; scoop it up and head to the casino.

Cancer: Everyone has to start somewhere, but the PTA fundraiser isn’t the place to launch your stand-up comedy career. Those soccer moms don’t appreciate Botox humor, and they can fling a wine bottle 30 feet.

Leo:  You’ve microwaved the remote control, and you’re trying to change the TV channel with a frozen burrito. Either get more sleep, or better hallucinations. If you can actually hallucinate the final season of Game of Thrones, there could be money in it for you.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you learn a secret. It’s a thick, juicy one, so don’t overcook it in your head. Let it sizzle until Friday before you serve the gossip to your friends. Mmmm, delicious.

Libra: You have some explaining to do on Monday. No one may want to hear about corporate llama holdovers and provisional tax liabilities for ferrets, but you have information in your head that must come out. Bring donuts to ease everyone’s pain.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been Superman in a Kryptonite bathroom: no matter how hard you try, you can’t get the job done. Fly off to your Fortress of Solitude with some espresso and a case of prunes; you’ll have a fresh new outlook when you return.

Sagittarius: Your underwear is starched and the car radio is locked on the all-polka station. Figure out what you did wrong, and fast, before your sweetie steps up the revenge and invites the in-laws to stay for a month.

Capricorn: That hottie you just met is a fixer-upper. You don’t need long-term plans, but you can go all HGTV, spackle them in the right places and then flip them for a better model.

Aquarius: No one will ever know what happened last weekend if you pay off the bartender, the plumber and the guy who sold you that vat of organic coconut oil and three alligators in halter tops. You may need to bribe the gators, too.

Pisces: When one door closes, a window opens. Either your teenager is sneaking in past curfew, or the cats have finally developed thumbs and are heading out for nighttime mini-golf.


Aries: Just when you come up for air, a seagull bombs your head. Poo bombs may be good luck, but they really screw with your hairdo. Dogpaddle toward land and you’ll be out of the line of fire.

Taurus: When you don’t get what you want, it’s called experience. When you do get what you want, it’s called luck. When you get what someone else wants, it’s called opportunity. But first, you’re entitled to one free chant of “neener neener.”

Gemini: In the book of life, you’re a dog-eared page with some Diet Coke spilled on it. You may stick to everything that comes your way, but at least you know you contain someone’s favorite words.

Cancer: Your boss doesn’t appreciate all those late hours you’re putting in. Next time, do some actual work at your desk, instead of re-creating a casino buffet in Minecraft.

Leo: There’s joy in every moment, once you know how to squeeze it out. A garlic press works, or you can let the dog sit on it, as long as you don’t mind using a lint roller on your happiness to get the fur off.

Virgo: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield, but on Tuesday the world aims lower and you’re picking Texas-sized mosquitoes out of your grill. Try to keep your mouth closed the rest of the week.

Libra: No one appreciates your talents, but that’s because they’ve never seen a solar-powered butt warmer with pinwheels and wi-fi before. If they don’t fall down laughing, give them a brochure. They could become an investor.

Scorpio: Wednesday will be like a roll of tape. Once you finally get it started, it’s useful for a few minutes. After that, you get it stuck on your shoe and drag it around until you go to bed.

Sagittarius: You wish life would give you lemons. Right now it’s only giving you rock-hard Tootsie Rolls that have been in someone’s purse for ten years. Be grateful it’s not giving you old, unwrapped cough drops.

Capricorn: The best things in life aren’t free, but they are fifteen percent off because you found a great coupon in the parking lot. Use it on double coupon days and you’ll enjoy a very self-satisfied bowl of shredded wheat.

Aquarius: Enjoying fall is great, but you should stick to autumn-themed lattes and pastries. Using pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream or salted caramel foot fungus spray will just earn you dirty looks in the locker room.

Pisces: New opportunities open like blooming flowers in front of you, but you’re worried one will be a Venus Flytrap with an appetite. Enjoy the bouquet, but pack some weed killer in your pocket.

Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

Aries: If you’re looking for your common sense, it’s shriveled up and under the couch with some lint-covered M&Ms and a really old banana. Dig it out, rinse it off and nurse it back to health. You’ll need it soon.

Taurus: You’re not bulletproof, your enemies just have bad aim. Bake them some cookies and make amends. You’ll have time to steal their paintball guns while they’re trying to digest your dismal cooking.

Gemini: The sun shines on you alone this Thursday, so pop out that inflatable greenhouse and make the most of it. If you’re pressed for time, just wear a potted plant on your head.

Cancer: Before you declare your new groove to be permanent, check the foundation for fire ants and paisley mold. Otherwise, your groove could bite you on the butt and constantly sing 60s folk songs when your back is turned.

Leo: Whether you realize it or not, you’re at the top of your game. Balance everything just right, and you won’t even crumple the Monopoly box you’re standing on.

Virgo: No one asked for your opinion, so it’s time to distribute it the old-school way; slip it under people’s windshield wipers like off-brand pizza coupons. Don’t worry about it flying away when they drive off. Your words have weight.

Libra: There’s always a better day on the horizon but why wait around to be happy? Do it now instead of waiting for the universe to rescue you like some wannabe princess in a cardboard castle.

Scorpio: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end, accompanied by screaming.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes on the prize, and you’ll have no idea what kind of cereal you’re eating for breakfast. It’s good to have goals, but occasionally look down to see where you are, too.

Capricorn: Everyone has a secret, and only you can charm it out of them. When the wheedling becomes too difficult, just offer them donuts or cash. They don’t need to know about your “Incredible Secrets Revealed!” podcast.

Aquarius: If things seem dark in your world, check to make sure you’re not still wearing eclipse glasses from last month. Sometimes the world needs a filter, but not right now.

Pisces: You’re dizzy from all the choices the world serves up this week. Instead of hiding under your bed, pick the one that pops into your head at 3 p.m. this Friday. It’s a winner. Or not. At least you’ll make a freaking decision about it, though.

Aries: Your boss thinks you’ve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They don’t realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. That’ll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they haven’t tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming “It’s the aliens again!” Some just aren’t as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: It’s fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, “A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs more talcum powder.” Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think you’ve solved the puzzle, but someone’s grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. You’ll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you can’t find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone else’s. One of your buddies isn’t using theirs, and if you cough up some dough they’ll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesn’t want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then it’s a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You don’t need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma you’re tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.


Aries: Be careful thinking you’re a big fish in a small pond; you might actually be a brine shrimp that some cosmic kid bought through the mail. Enjoy your Mason jar and make sure you’re wearing arm floaties when he shakes you up.

Taurus: Staying positive isn’t that hard. All it takes is the right end of the battery. Get out of the house and recharge, because right now no one would get a tingle if they licked you.

Gemini: Go on an internal road trip to find your bliss this weekend. It might involve copious amounts of margaritas, Netflix, and a karaoke microphone so you can sing with “Mamma Mia” at the top of your lungs.

Cancer: You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you’re the one everybody chooses to eat peanut butter off of while they’re standing in the kitchen at 2 a.m. So you have that going for you.

Leo: Normally you march to the beat of your own drummer, but lately he’s been getting into the emo metal polka scene. Find a tuba player instead; they know all the good riffs.

Virgo: An opportunity lands on your lap this week. Act on it quickly and be professional; it’s there to work, not twerk, and it doesn’t care about the damp dollar bill in your hand.

Libra: Forget the golden goose. What you really want is the duck with the winning lottery numbers. Hang around ponds and listen closely to any unusual quacking, but beware if they hop on your hood and demand a trip to Vegas.

Scorpio: Some bodies may be wonderlands, but yours is a forgotten city park in desperate need of renovation. Start a new exercise regimen, right after you kick all the raccoons out and find your shoes.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to explain yourself, although a laminated guide translating your moods and impromptu hand gestures would be welcome. Don’t tell anyone what the interpretive dance routines mean, though. Sometimes it’s good to have a little mystery.

Capricorn: You know the drill, but you’re unfamiliar with the hammer and you haven’t yet met the acquaintance of the stepladder. Take comfort in that on the days when you feel surrounded by complete tools.

Aquarius: Nothing is forever, except for the expanse of space and the flow of emails from sketchy foreign princes wanting to increase your assets. Click and drag your bad situation to the spam folder, and the Universe will delete it for you.

Pisces: All great journeys start with a single step, but you’re way beyond that, limping on some forgotten path and wishing you brought orthopedic socks. Keep your ears open, because a solar-powered scooter may give you a lift on Thursday.

Aries: In the back of your mind is a little voice telling you what you can’t accomplish. Time to give that negative Nellie an atomic wedgie, and blast her out of your psyche.

Taurus: You don’t want to go on because things are tough. But, honestly, when have things ever been easy with you? The universe will help when you quit being a diva.

Gemini: Wearing your heart on your sleeve doesn’t accomplish much, but touting your gallbladder on your pants leg means you get a whole bench to yourself on the subway.

Cancer: Your immediate reactions are fine, it’s when you stop and think that causes trouble. Clear away the smoke coming out of your ears; it’s time to change the oil in your brain.

Leo: Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone loses the bag of snakes in the breakroom. After that, it’s screaming and mayhem and someone setting the coffeemaker on fire. So, you know, a typical Thursday.

Virgo: Laugh like you haven’t a care in the world, love like you don’t have a clue. You’ll end up with a sore throat and herpes, but you’ll have some great stories to share at the clinic.

Libra: Monday is a gamechanger for you, because you’ll go from Minecraft to the Game of Thrones edition of Monopoly. Only pass GO if you’re dragon-proof and bring a fresh pair of shorts.

Scorpio: A pretty girl is like a melody; you get one refrain stuck in your head for days and you’re ready to put your face in a blender. Next time, skip the looks and go for someone with personality and a closet stocked with batteries. They’ll know how to change your tune.

Sagittarius: It’s not easy being green. Get up to speed in your new profession, because no one’s kissing frogs to promote them to royalty anymore. Princesses don’t have time for that.

Capricorn: You can explain all you want, but there’s still a huge scorch mark on the couch and a rip through space and time in the carpet. Your sweetie is going to be pissed. Buy some flowers and call Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Aquarius: The secret to a good attitude? Buy them in bulk. Why wear one out when they come in 12-packs and you can sport a fresh one every day? It’s even better if you get a Groupon.

Pisces: No one knows your full potential unless you show it to them. Just make sure it’s fully dressed first, so you won’t have an uncomfortable conversation in the HR office.

Aries: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel better? Good. Quit annoying your family this week with your tuba death metal and you’ll be allowed to keep breathing on a regular basis.

Taurus: You have all the best moves, except for that third one. That particular move may attract an amorous moose. At least you and the moose enjoy the same Netflix shows, so it could work out.

Gemini: Let a smile be your umbrella, an ear wiggle be your cell phone, and a tongue be your car keys. You’ll look weird and you’ll talk funny, but at least your pockets will be much lighter.

Cancer: Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot teach, lead. Those who cannot lead, end up in middle management and plan four-hour meetings to discuss the color of the water cooler, so bring your phone to distract yourself at the staff meeting on Thursday.

Leo: Its fine if you decorate your happy place with swords, pit traps and ninja stars, just don’t invite anyone over for tea; they’ll be jumpy for days. Some things are meant for you alone.

Virgo: You’re feeling more out of place than Barney the dinosaur in a Game of Thrones episode. Once you avoid all the pointy things, lay low and you might get a date with a dragon.

Libra: Hitch your wagon to a star, and you’ll get great gas mileage. Be careful, though; very few wagons offer seat belts and stars occasionally take sharp left turns. Pack a parachute.

Scorpio: Someone tries to pick a fight with you on Tuesday, but your best move is to laugh it off. If they ask why you’re giggling, tell them you saw their paycheck stub.

Sagittarius: You think you know what’s best, but that’s because you haven’t seen the universal Sears catalog of awesomeness. Check out page 42, it will change your life forever.

Capricorn: Love finds you when you least expect it. Tell it to wait outside, until you’re done looking through Twitter while sitting on the toilet. Sometimes love needs boundaries.

Aquarius: You’re having such an incredible streak of luck, even the mice are cheering you on. Don’t worry about why they’re in your car, just admire how cute they are with their little pompoms and foam #1 fingers.

Pisces: You don’t have to chase life with gusto, but you can skip after it with a bit of cheer. Start slow; your legs aren’t used to all the unfamiliar exercise.

Aries: Sometimes when you reach for your dreams, you grab the cookies instead. Before you glue yourself to the couch, try reaching for a smaller dream on a lower shelf to keep your motivation up.

Taurus: The universe broke the mold when it made you. Too bad it didn’t wait until after you were done. Don’t worry if you’re a little cracked, you’ve been that way all along.

Gemini: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Cancer: Happiness is a warm puppy with a few hundred dollar bills tucked in around its collar. Feel free to play and snuggle, just don’t ask the doggie where he’s earning his cash at night.

Leo: Opening up your heart to others is easier if you have a crowbar handy. Things are a bit rusty, so oil the hinges too, and maybe buy a few new throw pillows for company.

Virgo: Find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love involves really old billionaires with loose morals. Good thing you take CPR classes along with your yoga.

Libra: You’ve been inside so long, Netflix is about to cut you off. Find your shoes and head outside. If you can navigate your way to the street, maybe you can hire the neighborhood kid to cut your lawn so you can find your way back.

Scorpio: You don’t have to be the life of the party, but you can definitely be the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You’re sweet, and you don’t tear up people’s mouths like that Cap’n Crunch dude.

Sagittarius: There’s no “I” in team, but there is meat. So if you’re a zombie or you’re just really devoted to your paleo diet, Wednesday’s staff meeting will be especially good for you.

Capricorn: Know yourself and you’ll never be alone at a soiree; you can always keep up with your own sparkling wit and conversation. Good thing, too, because everyone else is giving you a very wide berth.

Aquarius: Thursday is a good day to rid yourself of things you don’t need, so change the locks before your brother-in-law comes back. He’s more comfortable in his van down by the river anyway, and you need a mancave for football and knitting.

Pisces: You don’t have to be a reflecting pool and mirror other people’s emotions. Be your own storm and slap the morons with a well-placed wave and the occasional sharknado.

Aries: If you haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, it’s because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when you’re having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If there’s an angel on your shoulder, he’s only there to ask directions. Listen to him while he’s perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think you’re ready to spring something new on your boss, but you’re not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, you’ll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry can’t compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Don’t forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: You’re quick to judge others’ shortcomings, but you haven’t spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone else’s life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all A’s in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: You’re still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while you’re in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.