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Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.
Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.
Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.
Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.
Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.
Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.
Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.
Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.
Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.
Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.
Aries: You’re used to the universe smiling down, so when it sneezes on you instead, all you want is to wash your hair. Karma’s head cold won’t last long, although you might want to wear a hat until it’s gone.
Taurus: Your soul was meant to fly, but will you soar like an eagle, or circle like a buzzard? Leave dead issues alone; if you pick at them, you won’t curry favor, just carrion breath.
Gemini: You’re feeling bolder than a new bag of Doritos, and your zest for life means no one’s putting you down. Hand out the Wet Wipes, because you can’t help leaving behind a spicy residue.
Cancer: If you can’t see the forest for the trees, ask a friend to drive you around until you replace those contact lenses. Otherwise, you’ll act like a birch and run over someone’s ash.
Leo: Nothing written in stone; sometimes it’s spelled out in Silly Putty, so quit chiseling at blocks to get the answer you want, sit down and have some fun. Karma makes an awesome play date.
Virgo: On Tuesday, nothing makes sense: dogs live with cats, reality stars are fully dressed and polite and politicians get sensible things done. Check your mailbox for cash, because anything could happen.
Libra: You’ll identify the rational, logical choices in your life and skid in between them at 90 miles an hour while doing a wheelie. If you crash, take comfort that your friends posted it on YouTube, so at least you’ll be a warning to others.
Scorpio: You find new joy in your work with a package in the mail. Inside it is a bright, new attitude and a remote controlled farting machine; both will make the days pass faster.
Sagittarius: When confronted with open doors, you usually pick a locked, two-story window. Put away the ladder and choose an easy opportunity; there’s no banana peel waiting across the threshold.
Capricorn: This week you’ll make a discovery that will either change the world or destroy it; just depends on how much cheese you use. Go for the good stuff. If it explodes, the entire continent will be one tasty fondue pot.
Aquarius: You say you don’t want to rock the boat, but you’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, take the hint and drop the drama.
Pisces: The person that said “having isn’t as good as wanting” never stumbled across an unbelievable clearance sale on payday. Snap up those bargains; a great deal can keep you warm at night, especially if it’s battery-powered.
Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you’re the one with a mop. Don’t worry that you’re missing the spotlight, just think of all the dirt you can collect on those wannabe divas.
Taurus: Wanting to be secure is a sane choice, but the tinfoil hat is not. Relax, the bogeyman has problems of his own, he has no time to fulfill your paranoid fantasies.
Gemini: You have a 1000-watt smile and a 5-watt brain this week. Don’t let your mouth get you in over your head, let those grey cells enjoy a bit of rest. Just don’t kill them off with the 2-for-1 margarita night.
Cancer: It’s great to be compassionate, but no matter what the posters say, you can’t always change the world overnight. Focus on what you can change, such as your underwear or the outcome of The Voice.
Leo: You want to be Andy Griffith, but your day ends up in a Barney Fife tizzy. Learn to laugh at yourself or you’ll develop a nervous twitch and delusions of backwoods grandeur.
Virgo: Scratch off that cosmic ticket, because you won this week’s Wheel of Luck! Redeem your luck at a participating Karmic station and be glad you didn’t win the Wheel of Fish.
Libra:Follow through on those instincts this Wednesday. You have business savvy and style to spare, so no matter what happens, your butt is covered. And covered beautifully, we might add.
Scorpio: Your ship has come in, and it’s a pirate’s dream. Shake that ill-gotten booty and flash your treasure chest for a chance to walk someone else’s plank.
Sagittarius: Thursday makes you crabbier than a Yeti after a bikini wax. Take a deep breath and rip off the big, hairy deal bothering you. The truth may sting, but you’ll walk normally in a few days.
Capricorn: Some people turn their lives into masterpieces, but yours has become a low-budget B movie. Work on your casting and whip up some special effects. With a little effort, you could be the next Sharknado.
Aquarius: Watch your step; you’re not on the yellow brick road, you’ve just wandered into a path filled with yellow snow. Next time, wear your glasses and you won’t mistake a giant poodle for the mayor of Oz.
Pisces: Your ideas have dribbled through for a while, but now you’ve struck a gusher. Remember that not everyone is riding the wild imagination truck with you, so be nice and don’t turn the fire hose on them. You can let them pet the Dalmatian, though.
Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.
Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.
Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.
Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.
Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.
Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.
Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.
Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.
Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.
Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.
Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor. Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.
Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.
Aries: You can draw more flies with honey but who needs more flies? Try cooking up something that draws more geese, especially if they lay golden eggs.
Taurus: Go outside and quit watching the clock. You’ll feel better, and so will your timepiece. It’s starting to get paranoid. If you’re really wondering what your clock is up to, buy a security camera.
Gemini: That ghost haunting your brain isn’t one big worry; it’s just lots of little ones standing on each other’s shoulders under a sheet. Whip the linen off them and set them straight.
Cancer: You’re relaxed, cool and oh-so-comfortable. Obviously you haven’t seen any of your family today. Worry about the kids and the in-laws later; right now you have a playdate with a margarita.
Leo: Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. You can’t see the finish line because of all the goals you’ve set for yourself. Kick a few to the curb so you can run across the tape and feel accomplished.
Virgo: If there’s a song in your heart, it’s because your iPod slipped in your running bra again. Fish it out and give it some fresh air, but keep the girls in place unless you want some instant Facebook fame.
Libra: Someone wants you to know your place, but they’ve forgotten theirs. Duct tape them to the side of a Google Street View car and they’ll remember soon enough.
Scorpio: You feel like a rat in a maze, except you didn’t get any cheese or the chance to cause a bad restaurant review on Yelp! Shake off that bad mood, because tomorrow there’s plenty of cheddar and screaming women on tables.
Sagittarius: Sometimes it’s not about the destination or the journey; it’s just wondering where your luggage ended up. Be patient, because your toothbrush and Smurf underwear are partying it up in Paris.
Capricorn: Every day is a new beginning, which is handy because what you did last night ended up on YouTube. Don’t worry about that, though; just find out who emailed the link to your boss.
Aquarius: You are a summer flower, sparkling in the morning dew but kinda saggy and drooping in the 3 p.m. heat. Find some air conditioning and take root or you’ll sweat your petals off.
Pisces: Rolling with the flow would be easier if your life wasn’t full of sharp edges and corners. Invest in a bubble wrap suit and the trip will be much better, plus you have some built-in stress relievers.
Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.
Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.
Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.
Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.
Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.
Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”
Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.
Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.
Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.
Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.
Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.
Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.
Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried. Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.
Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell you a roll of aluminum foil.
Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.
Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.
Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.
Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.
Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.
Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.
Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.
Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.
Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.
Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.
Aries: You’ve had your panties in a twist so often, you’ve invented a new kind of thong. Step back and unwind on Wednesday before your eyes bug out. Also, use some bleach on those undies.
Taurus: Go ahead, dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Allergy Attack. You might need some Benadryl after trying some new moves.
Gemini: Are you a seafaring drama llama? You’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, quit rocking the boat.
Cancer: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.
Leo: Variety is the spice of life, but sarcasm is the salt required to swallow every dish. Shake away on Friday, your blood pressure will only go up if you hold it in.
Virgo: The universe loves a practical joke, so watch out for cosmic whoopee cushions. Laugh when the fake fart noises erupt, and the pranksters will be caught off guard when you let the real ones slip.
Libra: A bird in the hand means you’ll going to need some baby wipes. No matter what you see in that bush, leave it alone; there could be a vicious pecker hiding in there.
Scorpio: Your story has more holes than a Romulan Battle Bagel. Engage the truth at warp five, or you’ll feel a few photon torpedoes across your bow.
Sagittarius: You’ve had your failures, but you’re bouncing back better than Dolly Parton in a sports bra. Enjoy your success and keep those headlights bright so everyone can bask in your light.
Capricorn: Let out that inner flower child to run wild and free. Just remember, body paint as an outfit may be good for the psyche, but showing your true colors can wreak havoc on the school board meeting.
Aquarius: Anything in this world can be accomplished with luck, common sense and a good dose of sneakiness. Right now you only have two of these things, but you’re crafty enough to build your own luck from a box of paperclips and a banana.
Pisces: The Force is strong within you, but you’re having trouble deciding to be a creative Jedi or caving to the dark side because they have cookies. Ask your Death Star boss if they’re planning a buffet lunch in addition to the dessert cart. Regular meals are a powerful motivator.
Aries: Enjoy your shining star moment, because on Thursday you’ll fall from the sky like a meteor hurtling toward a parked car. Others will hear the car alarm when you crash, but all you hear through that bulletproof ego is a fanfare.
Taurus: Yes, the world is magic, but it’s more cheap card trick than receiving a letter for Hogwarts. Your best shot is to practice your handwork and find a hottie with far fewer brain cells than yourself. So, yeah, it will be a challenge.
Gemini: Someone’s acting the dirty rat, but they don’t realize they’re the lab mouse in your maze. Go ahead, be heartless and plunk down some soy cheese.
Cancer: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper. If you can stay away from the light, you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.
Leo: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.
Virgo: You can dance if you want to, but don’t leave your friends behind. Because your friends can’t dance and if they can’t dance, they can at least buy the Jell-O shots while you’re on the floor showing off your Safety Dance moves.
Libra: Tuesday is a drop in the bucket, but Friday is a fire hose blowing the bucket away. Probably time to find some dry socks and a bigger bucket for your ambitions, like an empty pool.
Scorpio: People don’t have to know you to love you; in fact, it’s better if they don’t know you at all when you two meet in the broom closet on the fourth floor. Bonus: the moaning and banging makes your co-workers believe the building is haunted.
Sagittarius: Quit beating yourself up, because you’re a mean fighter. Sure, you need a break, but ending up in a body cast is the wrong kind of break. Take some quiet time before you end up trying to scratch an itch with a coat hanger.
Capricorn: You’re actually doing very well this week, although you’ll step in some gum and you might have a bad hair day on Saturday. Boo hoo. Get a hat.
Aquarius: Re-evaluate your life choices on Wednesday. Your “Aha!” moment shouldn’t involve someone in a trench coat, mud boots and a battery-operated twirling bra.
Pisces: It’s fine to avoid the drama llamas and keep company with an emotionally stable wombat, but a little excitement is good for you. Call up your nearest hairy divas for lunch and watch the fur fly.
Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but don’t stray too far from your roots. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama was closer to an Osmond, so you have all the zaniness of Lite Rock FM.
Taurus: Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.
Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.
Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.
Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.
Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.
Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.
Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.
Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.
Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.
Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.