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Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?

Taurus:  On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop.  This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.

Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two.  Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. Make sure it’s iceberg, and not romaine.

Cancer: You’re so bored, you’re one step away from raiding the sock drawer to make puppets and recreate scenes with Rachel and Ross from “Friends.” Hey, it gives you something to do while you’re on a break.

Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a triple rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.

Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.

Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, your next door neighbor would likely pay $5 to see it.

Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll either witness an amazing joke or the start of a Twilight movie reboot. Could be some laughs either way.

Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.

Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Aquarius: Regarding that big question that’s been on your mind: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.

Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.

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Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen.  After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.

Aries: A straight line is the quickest route between two points, but you’ve never been the logical one. Go ahead and take that Crazy Straw path to your destination. If nothing else, you could be hired by Google Maps.

Taurus: A question of the ages looms before you. Weigh your options carefully, then decide between the pumpkin spice bagel or the cream-filled pastry. This will be the most important decision you make before lunch.

Gemini: Someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, but they don’t know you’re basically a haunted house. Flap your shutters at them a few times and rattle some chains. They’ll take the hint.

Cancer: If you knew then what you know now, you would have been so obnoxious then that you wouldn’t have learned anything to know what you know now. Ignorance can be bliss, especially for other people.

Leo: There’s a light in your eyes, but this time it’s not from sticking a fork into a toaster. You’ve been struck with actual inspiration, so wipe the soot off your head and make a plan. It’s just crazy enough to work.

Virgo: You’ve been singing the song of your people to everyone at work. Unfortunately, that ditty includes a great deal of whining, moaning and basic bellyaching. Try a new tune before someone manually resets your mental playlist.

Libra: You’re feeling sexier than a deserted room filled with fresh donuts and free wi-fi. Rub a little frosting behind your ear and tell your sweetie to be ready for some high-speed fun. After that, you can buffer together.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you forget all the words to your personal soundtrack. Make some up, or just hum a few bars until it all comes back. Don’t be surprised, though, if everyone prefers your on-the-spot remix.

Sagittarius: You may feel like you’re sinking, but look closer: you have at least a half dozen of those floaty life rings wedged around your middle. Quit exhausting yourself fighting the current and tell your crew onshore to reel you in.

Capricorn: Sure, love is the answer, especially if the question is “What can kick you in the balls and make you feel happy about it?” If you’re not ready for that kind of love, wear a cup on Thursday.

Aquarius: You can reach for the stars all you want, but you won’t get far unless you build the rocket ship to get you there. Dreams that come true are usually backed up with skills and experience, so get cracking.

Pisces: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, pick a tall one and build a nice treehouse instead. Who needs the whole forest when you’ve got your own mighty oak equipped with cable TV and a recliner?

Aries: Don’t fret about your last hurrah. You still have a whole box of “Woo Hoo!” to use up, plus a truckload of “Oh crap.” Work through those first.

Taurus: Things may seem tough now, but be assured; if you don’t work through this they can definitely get tougher. Even one baby step at a time is considered progress.

Gemini: You know the score, mainly because you’re the one who rigged the game. Sometimes corking your own bat doesn’t work, but this time your strategy nails you a home run. No matter how fast you run the bases, your guilty conscience will be waiting for you at home plate.

Cancer: Lucky breaks are usually hard to come by, but you stumble into a nest of them this week. A few may even follow you home, so set out some snacks. They could fatten into ripe opportunities.

Leo: Easy Street is just marketing; there are still potholes, but they’re advertised as built-in pools. Every road has its hazards, but you’re about to get a much smoother drive.

Virgo: There’s nothing more beautiful than a well thought out plan, but a half-baked bad one is way more fun to watch. Get your popcorn, because someone in your family is about to put on a show. Also, keep some Band-Aids and bail money on hand, just in case.

Libra: Everyone warns you about flying too close to the sun, but no one worries about you digging to the center of the earth. Before you start throwing dirt around, make sure you have a plan in place to deal with radioactive mole men.

Scorpio: You have a grand idea, but someone will try to bust it down to just a wild hunch. Ignore them or you’ll soon shelve it with all the other unrealized inklings and never achieve anything at all.

Sagittarius: In every life some rain must fall, but you’ve been holding on like Jack from “Titanic.” You don’t have to sink, just whip out your phone and order up a jet ski from Amazon. Rescue yourself and you’ll leave that wreck far behind.

Capricorn: You’re the cream in someone’s coffee, the jam on their bread. This means you’re very sweet, and people can only handle you in small doses. Give them some space and add a little tartness to your repertoire; it will make you even more tempting.

Aquarius: Your confidence is hidden like a needle in a haystack. Get some big magnets and drag it out.  You shouldn’t be sewing atop hay bales anyway, unless you’re into extreme embroidery.

Pisces: The answers are blowing in the wind, and a few will hit you in the face like airborne plastic grocery bags. Just be grateful they’re filled with good things instead of used tissues or cat poop.

Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

Aries: You don’t need to fly or have heat vision to be a hero. Sometimes all it involves is not gluing your co-workers to their desk chairs. Thankfully for you, the bar is set low. Still, leave right after quitting time on Friday, before you’re tempted.

Taurus: You are extra caliente, and you know it. The downside of being so fiery? You could burn your own habeneros off. Chill out by Wednesday, or you could be just a sexy puff of smoke.

Gemini:  Some days you’re the number one hit at the top of the charts; other days, you’re a Spotify collection of soft jazz. Put on your best Cardi B attitude this week, and no one will know you feel like Kenny G inside.

Cancer: You’re long past believing in unicorns and fairies, but a dream from your childhood comes true this week. Cherish it for the miracle it is, and resist the temptation to throw it on Craigslist for a quick buck.

Leo: The trouble with off-roading down the path less taken is that there are very few 7-11 stores along the way. Keep an eye on civilization as you explore the wilder side of human potential, or you could end up lost in a tattooed sea of Barry Manilow fans and no Porta-Potty.

Virgo: Both your bank account and gas tank have been empty for too long; fortunately, you still have that money-making idea about the non-stick patio furniture. Spray those thighs with some PAM and slide your way into fame and fortune.

Libra: Everyone wants a piece of you, but you’re a full-course meal, not a bag of Skittles. Get picky about who comes to dine. If they don’t respect your skills, turn the tables and eat their lunch.

Scorpio: You know where you are now, and you know where you want to be. Problem is, you can’t get there from here. Instead of playing demolition derby with the terrain, try a little GPS for the soul and find an easier path to what you want.

Sagittarius: You want to be a sleek Japanese bullet train, but let’s face facts: you’re really Thomas the Tank Engine. Enjoy your own speed, because it’s no fun being a train-shaped blur all the time.

Capricorn: Glaciers and life-changing decisions move at the same speed for you, but an opportunity requiring immediate action may pop up. You don’t have to throw caution to the wind, but you can loosen your death grip on it.

Aquarius: You may be rubber and they may be glue, but what bounces off you sticks to the wall, the door, the cat and a passing tourist. Avoid living your life according to fifth grade trash talk, and just ignore the idiots.

Pisces: You feel a spark inside, but there’s no need for alarm; it’s a spark of creativity and ambition. It’s okay, you’ll get used to it once you put down the fire extinguisher.

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 Aries: You’re feeling pulled in different directions, and realizing Tug o’War is no fun when you’re the rope. Time to slink away, coil up with Netflix and soothe those threadbare ends before someone stretches you out of shape.

Taurus: Someone close thinks your job has no point, but you believe you’re nailing it. Check your process before you swing that hammer again; instead of building an empire, you may just be thumping away without the hardware.

Gemini: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Westworld marathon.

Leo: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.

Virgo:  On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Libra: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

Scorpio: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Sagittarius: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Capricorn: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Aquarius: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Pisces: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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