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Aries: Your rant may be a drop in the ocean, but it’s the drop that sinks the Titanic. Rein in your anger, before someone freezes you out on an iceberg.
Taurus: Don’t do the thing on Friday. Just don’t. You’re already getting on Karma’s nerves, there’s no need to make her turn this life around and slap you.
Gemini: The only way you’ll appreciate when life is good is to experience life’s suckage occasionally. Keep paddling, and keep that stiff upper lip, it makes an excellent floatation device.
Cancer: Too many cooks spoil the meal, but it doesn’t matter if you have burritos in the freezer. Feel free to microwave your dinner, just don’t stand in front of it and recite your Snapchat password while it’s cooking.
Leo: Bright skies are coming, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. When good fortune arrives, should you invite it in? Make it a drink? Rub its feet? Relax and just take it as it comes.
Virgo: It’s fine to be true to yourself, but don’t keep people guessing for too long or they’ll turn you upside down and shake you like a Magic 8-Ball for some answers.
Libra: You don’t know all the answers, which is good, because you would blab them out at inconvenient moments. There’s a difference between being a wise guru and getting kicked out of weddings for spilling the bridal secrets.
Scorpio: An idea comes to you at 2 a.m. Sunday. Write it down, because it will save your bacon during the staff meeting on Wednesday. Keep a pen handy, because no one wants to lose bacon.
Sagittarius: You will meet a man. He will do strange things to your body and mind, and then make you leave. Don’t get his number, just be glad you got through the TSA and onto your flight in time.
Capricorn: Take a breath. And another. There! See, this living thing isn’t so hard. Now, step away from the jumper cables and strawberry jam, and promise the universe you’ll quit the kinky stuff in the bedroom, at least until you hook up with an EMT.
Aquarius: Life isn’t a giant leap forward into goodness, but this week you do toddle a few baby steps away from being broke, sad and slightly crazed. Keep going, because a few face plants will be worth it.
Pisces: You think you’re reaching for the stars, but you’re not even halfway up the tree yet. Shake the oak bark out of your pants leg and keep climbing. You’ll soon have a clear view.
Aries: No need to worry when you come to a fork in the road on Wednesday. You can go either way, and leave the fork there. Pizza and Twinkies should be eaten with your hands, like a savage. Grunt a few times to scare off anyone wanting a bite.
Taurus: To make a correct choice this week, you’ll need more than a coin to flip. Try some Dungeons & Dragons dice; while you’re there, might as well join the guys on a basement quest. You could use the company.
Gemini: No one said that the luck of the Irish was a good thing; improve your odds of good fortune by following a few Canadians around. They seem to be quite lucky.
Cancer: Go ahead, let a smile be your umbrella. After that, a frown can be your bookshelf, a smirk can be your window treatment, and your normal scowl can be the walking stick you use to beat your enemies into submission.
Leo: They say love is a many-splendored thing, but honestly, how many splendors do you need? Go for a two-splendor model, and you’ve save a lot on jewelry and flowers.
Virgo: On Friday, you’ll need a stapler, two bananas and an 8-pack of C batteries. No one said your hobbies had to be dull, but they could give the neighbors some serious eyerolling shudders.
Libra: You don’t need to be the big dog in the yard, slobbering and barking at every shadow crossing your path. It’s better to be the pampered Corgi in the house. Fewer fights with squirrel gangs, and you get your own pillow.
Scorpio: You can lead, you can follow, or you can just wander around the universe looking for loose change. Checking couch cushions and dirty laundry isn’t big money, but it is far less stressful than your current job.
Sagittarius: You can find the beauty in every day, or you can watch for the bizarre and funny stuff. Laughing at idiots is one of the few perks in life, and it keeps you from licking the wallpaper.
Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re making an impression, and it’s not from all those butt selfies you made on the photocopier. Straighten your tie and comb the ramen out of your hair, because you actually have a chance at success this week.
Aquarius: Not every problem needs a complicated solution. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to figure Thursday out, although you could amuse yourself by talking in his robotic voice all day.
Pisces: Easy fixes don’t last; the duct tape gets wet, the Band-Aid falls off and the ferret refuses to do your taxes anymore. Step out of your comfort zone before it falls apart.
Aries: You finally catch a break! Make sure it’s not so small you have to throw it back or risk getting fined. If it measures up, go ahead and invite the park rangers to the party.
Taurus: You’re laying on the fertilizer, but nothing is coming up roses yet. Lay off the crap long enough to plant some seeds, and then water well with the tears of your enemies. Specifically, Fran who works in HR.
Gemini: Some are born to run, but you were born to skip, crabwalk and occasionally lose a shoe. Hop over that finish line without getting your good socks dirty, and you’ll impress them all.
Cancer: Find your happy place, but be prepared to kick out some squatters and hire a cleaning crew. Maybe you should redecorate too. That 1970s paneling has to go.
Leo: Lean over. A little more. To the left now. There, now the world has slid off your shoulders. Go get a massage to soothe out the kinks, because that worked to death look is so last year.
Virgo: For everyone else, life is a roller coaster, filled with highs, lows and screaming children. For you, life is like riding the teacups. Boring with an occasional bump. Find the exit and get in line for the real thing.
Libra: There’s nothing you can’t accomplish with an amazing attitude, a warehouse of chocolate, and a hard drive of compromising photos. It helps if the photos are of someone else. Go after that promotion!
Scorpio: Each day you take a step toward greatness, but now you need to work on doing it in a straight line. You and success have been playing a dry land version of “Marco Polo” for far too long.
Sagittarius: A dog is man’s best friend, because it can’t spill your secrets. Your canine companion can, however, learn to text and use the camera app, so make sure you buy the good treats from now on.
Capricorn:You may be on Cloud 9 now, but there’s no escalator to Cloud 10 and you can’t connect to Uber. Hang out for a while; enjoy your lofty perch and later rate it on Airbnb.
Aquarius: A blast from the past lifts your spirits and your skirt. They may make you feel sixteen again, but they aren’t in a time machine. You still have to take your meds and be in bed by 10.
Pisces: If you stay curled in a ball long enough, someone’s going to grab you and toss you in the air for a few points. Uncurl and claim your space, but do it when they don’t expect it so the scream echoes for miles.
Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.
Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.
Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.
Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.
Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.
Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.
Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.
Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.
Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.
Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.
Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.
Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.
Aries: If someone offers to clean your clock, don’t invite them in and ask if they can do the sofa and the rug, too. Once you have a black eye, you’ll be the one who’s steamed.
Taurus: Every one has a secret, but not all secrets should be told. You can blab about the big tough guy down the street, but you should be scared silly of the little grandma down the street with the knife collection.
Gemini: Now’s a good time for soul-searching, especially since they’re nothing notable on TV. Stare into your belly button and do some mental lint-picking. It beats the new show CSI: Lemonade Stand.
Cancer: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn’t give them free range to absorb yours and leave you blank-faced like a Westworld bot. Tell your friends to get their own thoughts, and keep their sticky fingers out of your brain.
Leo: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.
Virgo: If you knew your ‘Friends’ television trivia better, you wouldn’t be dodging golf balls on a driving range this Tuesday. Next time, don’t offer to caddy for a cowboy with a grudge.
Libra: Everyone else has the latest wireless tech, and you’re left holding your own dongle. Get with the crowd and step away from the flip phone, otherwise you’ll be the only one touching that dongle for months to come.
Scorpio: If you can’t recall any outstanding accomplishments that don’t involve a mugshot, you may just be on this planet as a cautionary tale for others. Have some t-shirts printed saying “Don’t be like me,” for those times when you’re too drunk to say it.
Sagittarius: A tainted tree bears no fruit, but you’re just giggling over the word “taint,” aren’t you? Don’t say you weren’t warned about karma’s temper on Friday.
Capricorn: If the world feels dark and clammy and you can’t see any friends on the horizon, you may have your head up your own butt. Untangle yourself and get some fresh air. Your friends may even come back after you shower.
Aquarius: You’re a paper clip; you hold everything together, but you’re wound pretty tight. Let yourself get bent out of shape for the right reasons, like resetting an mp3 player or picking your ex’s lock.
Pisces: It’s fine if you need a vacation away from the world; no one has a tricked-out brain like you. Let everyone else rage while you enjoy IMAX surround-sound of your favorite naked Ryan Reynolds dream.
Aries: A situation requires the gentle approach, so set aside the power tools and practice your finger exercises. You’ve already destroyed two iPads and a phone this year, your ham-handed ways are costing you a fortune.
Taurus: Good grief, pull yourself together and keep it that way. Use staples and Velcro if you have to, but reserve the duct tape for last ditch situations. Like Saturday.
Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you have enough to bewilder those asking the questions. Remember, the guru on the mountaintop ended up there just so he could get some peace, and better wifi for a Netflix binge.
Cancer:Reach deep inside yourself for the truth you seek. Not that deep, though. If you find something squishy, it’s not the truth, it’s your appendix. Neither one of them need to come out right now.
Leo: The earth may revolve around you, but you don’t have to shine on everyone all the time. Quit poking at those enjoying the shade; they won’t sing your praises, but they might use some interesting hand gestures.
Virgo: Your plan is nearly complete. All you need now is lots of money, time, and a discarded gum wrapper. Take heart, because you already have one of these things. Hustle until you have the other two.
Libra: Someone’s playing the wrong tune for all your right moves. If you can’t fall into step, kick the drum player and change the beat. Or offer him a couch and some pizza. That usually works.
Scorpio: Broaden your horizons this week. Not only does travel and adventure introduce you to new concepts, it also expands your mind. Good thing, too, because you really need more room so you can move around your mental furniture.
Sagittarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like you’re in the shower, but text like your grandmother is reading every single one. That goes double for pics. Granny doesn’t want to see your junk.
Capricorn: Your stubbornness is legendary; that’s why the highway makes a loop around your house instead of going through it. Pick your battles carefully on Friday, though. Someone you meet isn’t as easygoing as the guys on the road crew.
Aquarius: Be brave, be bold, and on Thursday, be under the covers with a flashlight until the storm passes. Some things are too weird to face alone, and your back-up won’t arrive until the zombies are gone.
Pisces: You’re feeling out-of-sorts. But really, have you ever been in-sorts? Your everyday mood swings would scare the crap out of a normal person, but it would make a compelling horror movie. Scribble it down and make some cash.
Aries: Aim high for your goals, otherwise you’ll just nick them with that BB gun. You might also need to adjust your sights before you try to bring those goals down.
Taurus: Something amazing will happen at 2:17. You don’t know if it will be night or day, however, so every time 2:17 rolls around, drop everything and listen. You’ll be able to hear yourself making your family crazy.
Gemini: Some days you’re an eagle on the wind; other days, you’re a goose caught in a jet engine. On Tuesday afternoon, flap like you mean it.
Cancer: Every job has its perks. Don’t complain when your desk is moved into the supply closet, rejoice because you’ll never pay for paper clips or toilet paper again.
Leo: If you can’t sleep, that means you’re awake in someone else’s dream. If you wake up next to an armadillo and a jar of jalapeno body butter, that means you should change your meds and lock your windows.
Virgo: You know what’s needed, you just don’t want to admit it. Go ahead, face the truth. If you turn your back to it, truth will always give you a wedgie and slap a “Kick Me” sign on you.
Libra: Your life isn’t full of free beer and Skittles, but occasionally it does have good wine and Godiva chocolate. Hold out for the best, because cheap Bordeaux makes you whiny.
Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.
Sagittarius: You’re terrible at keeping secrets, which is why no one tells you any. On Thursday, though, you hear a doozy. If you can’t keep your lips sealed, post it on MySpace so no one will ever see it.
Capricorn: You’re used to getting the carrot or the stick, but this week you get the kale, and you have no idea what to do. Remember, when in doubt, deep fry it and douse it in ranch dressing. Everything goes down easier that way.
Aquarius: The universe doesn’t give you “A-ha!” moments, but every now and then it will goose you with a “Woo hoo!” Be on the lookout, and hope Karma doesn’t have cold hands.
Pisces: Some people march to the beat of their own drums, but you boogie to an army of pan flutes played by sloths. You have no rhythm, but it’s still better that the music on the radio.
Aries: You reclaim something from your past; could be a lost love, or a million-dollar movie idea from your 8th grade diary. As long as its not that poodle-perm you rocked in the 80s, you’re good.
Taurus: Don’t worry about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Tasers come in tiny lipstick cases now. You can zap the jerks without them ever seeing it coming.
Gemini: Some people have their best years ahead of them because they keep their photo albums on the coffee table. Yours are out the door and down the path less taken. Wear comfy shoes.
Cancer: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the spiked brownies are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.
Leo: If you’re determined to walk around with something up your butt, buy a thong and be done with it. That way, you have no one to blame—or thank—but yourself.
Virgo: You may think you don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but your liquor store receipts and phone records say otherwise. At least get an app to keep yourself from drunk texting your ex and your old gym teacher.
Libra: On Thursday, you’re more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Relax and feel free to strut your stuff, just watch out for someone else’s pointy ends.
Scorpio: For you, happiness has been harder to find than a Kardashian without an Instagram. Practice that duckface, because the universe is about to like your selfie.
Sagittarius: If you let all your stress go, the only thing holding you together is the frayed elastic in your underwear. Buy yourself some new bloomers before you snap.
Capricorn: Friends keep you from being lonely, support you when you’re sad, and also let you see what you would look like if you fell asleep on their couch and had a Victorian mustache drawn on you with a Sharpie. Maybe you should just get a goldfish.
Aquarius: This year you will find love, you will stumble upon fame, and you’ll trip over fortune. Be glad there’s not more coming your way, or all that goodness might put you in a body cast.
Pisces: When the path seems long, feel free to ditch those hiking boots and try out your latest winged flying contraption. You may not make it far, but you’ll entertain dozens of people when you jump off the roof and flap.
Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.
Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.
Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.
Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.
Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.
Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.
Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.
Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.
Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.
Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.
Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.
Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.
To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!
Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.
Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.
Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.
Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.
Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.
Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.
Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.
Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.
Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.
Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.
Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.