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Aries: Just because an old situation is water under the bridge doesn’t mean you should grab an innertube and go for a swim. Leave it alone and find a new puddle to play in.

Taurus: Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.

Gemini: You’ve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Don’t fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

Cancer: There’s a hot new honey coming into your life, so make sure you throw away all the undies with the holes in them. If you forget, say it’s the latest trend in sexy granny panty-lingerie and open an extra bottle of wine.

Leo: The universe is lined up right where you want it, so take that pool cue and go for the trick shot. You’ll win like you always do: with a wink and a kiss thrown to the crowd.

Virgo: On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix. Wear something loose so you aren’t caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. If you’re going to Chipotle, just wrap a comforter around you like a toga.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion on Monday. If you miss your boss with the dart gun, you still have a money-making opportunity. Charge each person ten bucks for a quick prick with the tranquilizer darts, and everyone will have the best staff meeting nap ever.

Scorpio: Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: there are too many forks and you forgot which spoon you’re supposed to use for the kale Jell-O. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff.

Sagittarius: When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is “Put me down!” Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or you’ll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.

Capricorn: If you love something, set it free. It will be easier to track with that GoPro camera around its neck and the microchip in its butt. Plus, you can sell ads on your new livestreaming YouTube channel.

Aquarius: Strike while the iron is hot, and you’ll never curl your hair while bowling again. Give up multitasking until the burns heal.

Pisces: Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You don’t have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. That’s how you get ants.

 

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Aries: There’s a spring in your step this week. Either you have a new sweetie, or you just found a community of spiders living in your underwear drawer. Doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still going to need some new undies.

Taurus: Some shine like a diamond, but you shine like a fresh sheet of aluminum foil. Your sparkle only lasts until someone wraps you around leftover pizza. You may not catch everyone’s eye after that, but hey, free pizza!

Gemini: Spin that clock all you want, but you can’t turn back time. Set aside your mad scientist projects, because looking good will require extreme measures like eating broccoli and occasionally separating your butt from the couch.

Cancer: Little birdies are telling you tall tales; what you think is a dove of peace turns out to be a stool pigeon. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers.

Leo: The only way you could love yourself more is if you lived in a disco ball warehouse. Someone should tell you to back away from all those mirrors, but gazing at your own reflection keeps you out of everyone else’s business.

Virgo: Trust your gut; it was right about that pumpkin spice tuna sushi from the gas station, and it knows what you need to do about your situation now. Stock up on patience and Pepto-Bismol.

Libra: The stars had something planned for you, but then Sirius the dog star ate the paperwork. So…whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, especially if it’s good. The universe will make it up to you after a certain mutt goes through cosmic obedience school.

Scorpio: You’re looking good and feeling sassy on Wednesday.  That new shirt will earn you some free drinks and envious glares from everyone in the office. Bask in your own glory.

Sagittarius: You may not remember that wild night of margaritas and the massage chair at the mall, but that’s why your friends have phones. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on Facebook.

Capricorn: Life is like those magic jelly beans from Harry Potter: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat.

Aquarius: Just when you’re ready to steal the show, you discover it’s rigged with alarms and guard dogs. Add a few pork chops and wirecutters to your dance routine, and they’ll never know what hit them.

Pisces: Turn that frown upside down, and you’ll get dizzy from standing on your head, fall over, and accidentally kick a frenemy into a water fountain. Now that will make you smile for real.

Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

Aries: If you’re looking for your common sense, it’s shriveled up and under the couch with some lint-covered M&Ms and a really old banana. Dig it out, rinse it off and nurse it back to health. You’ll need it soon.

Taurus: You’re not bulletproof, your enemies just have bad aim. Bake them some cookies and make amends. You’ll have time to steal their paintball guns while they’re trying to digest your dismal cooking.

Gemini: The sun shines on you alone this Thursday, so pop out that inflatable greenhouse and make the most of it. If you’re pressed for time, just wear a potted plant on your head.

Cancer: Before you declare your new groove to be permanent, check the foundation for fire ants and paisley mold. Otherwise, your groove could bite you on the butt and constantly sing 60s folk songs when your back is turned.

Leo: Whether you realize it or not, you’re at the top of your game. Balance everything just right, and you won’t even crumple the Monopoly box you’re standing on.

Virgo: No one asked for your opinion, so it’s time to distribute it the old-school way; slip it under people’s windshield wipers like off-brand pizza coupons. Don’t worry about it flying away when they drive off. Your words have weight.

Libra: There’s always a better day on the horizon but why wait around to be happy? Do it now instead of waiting for the universe to rescue you like some wannabe princess in a cardboard castle.

Scorpio: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end, accompanied by screaming.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes on the prize, and you’ll have no idea what kind of cereal you’re eating for breakfast. It’s good to have goals, but occasionally look down to see where you are, too.

Capricorn: Everyone has a secret, and only you can charm it out of them. When the wheedling becomes too difficult, just offer them donuts or cash. They don’t need to know about your “Incredible Secrets Revealed!” podcast.

Aquarius: If things seem dark in your world, check to make sure you’re not still wearing eclipse glasses from last month. Sometimes the world needs a filter, but not right now.

Pisces: You’re dizzy from all the choices the world serves up this week. Instead of hiding under your bed, pick the one that pops into your head at 3 p.m. this Friday. It’s a winner. Or not. At least you’ll make a freaking decision about it, though.

Aries: Your boss thinks you’ve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They don’t realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. That’ll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they haven’t tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming “It’s the aliens again!” Some just aren’t as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: It’s fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, “A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs more talcum powder.” Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think you’ve solved the puzzle, but someone’s grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. You’ll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you can’t find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone else’s. One of your buddies isn’t using theirs, and if you cough up some dough they’ll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesn’t want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then it’s a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You don’t need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma you’re tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.

 

Aries: Be careful thinking you’re a big fish in a small pond; you might actually be a brine shrimp that some cosmic kid bought through the mail. Enjoy your Mason jar and make sure you’re wearing arm floaties when he shakes you up.

Taurus: Staying positive isn’t that hard. All it takes is the right end of the battery. Get out of the house and recharge, because right now no one would get a tingle if they licked you.

Gemini: Go on an internal road trip to find your bliss this weekend. It might involve copious amounts of margaritas, Netflix, and a karaoke microphone so you can sing with “Mamma Mia” at the top of your lungs.

Cancer: You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you’re the one everybody chooses to eat peanut butter off of while they’re standing in the kitchen at 2 a.m. So you have that going for you.

Leo: Normally you march to the beat of your own drummer, but lately he’s been getting into the emo metal polka scene. Find a tuba player instead; they know all the good riffs.

Virgo: An opportunity lands on your lap this week. Act on it quickly and be professional; it’s there to work, not twerk, and it doesn’t care about the damp dollar bill in your hand.

Libra: Forget the golden goose. What you really want is the duck with the winning lottery numbers. Hang around ponds and listen closely to any unusual quacking, but beware if they hop on your hood and demand a trip to Vegas.

Scorpio: Some bodies may be wonderlands, but yours is a forgotten city park in desperate need of renovation. Start a new exercise regimen, right after you kick all the raccoons out and find your shoes.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to explain yourself, although a laminated guide translating your moods and impromptu hand gestures would be welcome. Don’t tell anyone what the interpretive dance routines mean, though. Sometimes it’s good to have a little mystery.

Capricorn: You know the drill, but you’re unfamiliar with the hammer and you haven’t yet met the acquaintance of the stepladder. Take comfort in that on the days when you feel surrounded by complete tools.

Aquarius: Nothing is forever, except for the expanse of space and the flow of emails from sketchy foreign princes wanting to increase your assets. Click and drag your bad situation to the spam folder, and the Universe will delete it for you.

Pisces: All great journeys start with a single step, but you’re way beyond that, limping on some forgotten path and wishing you brought orthopedic socks. Keep your ears open, because a solar-powered scooter may give you a lift on Thursday.

Aries: In the back of your mind is a little voice telling you what you can’t accomplish. Time to give that negative Nellie an atomic wedgie, and blast her out of your psyche.

Taurus: You don’t want to go on because things are tough. But, honestly, when have things ever been easy with you? The universe will help when you quit being a diva.

Gemini: Wearing your heart on your sleeve doesn’t accomplish much, but touting your gallbladder on your pants leg means you get a whole bench to yourself on the subway.

Cancer: Your immediate reactions are fine, it’s when you stop and think that causes trouble. Clear away the smoke coming out of your ears; it’s time to change the oil in your brain.

Leo: Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone loses the bag of snakes in the breakroom. After that, it’s screaming and mayhem and someone setting the coffeemaker on fire. So, you know, a typical Thursday.

Virgo: Laugh like you haven’t a care in the world, love like you don’t have a clue. You’ll end up with a sore throat and herpes, but you’ll have some great stories to share at the clinic.

Libra: Monday is a gamechanger for you, because you’ll go from Minecraft to the Game of Thrones edition of Monopoly. Only pass GO if you’re dragon-proof and bring a fresh pair of shorts.

Scorpio: A pretty girl is like a melody; you get one refrain stuck in your head for days and you’re ready to put your face in a blender. Next time, skip the looks and go for someone with personality and a closet stocked with batteries. They’ll know how to change your tune.

Sagittarius: It’s not easy being green. Get up to speed in your new profession, because no one’s kissing frogs to promote them to royalty anymore. Princesses don’t have time for that.

Capricorn: You can explain all you want, but there’s still a huge scorch mark on the couch and a rip through space and time in the carpet. Your sweetie is going to be pissed. Buy some flowers and call Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Aquarius: The secret to a good attitude? Buy them in bulk. Why wear one out when they come in 12-packs and you can sport a fresh one every day? It’s even better if you get a Groupon.

Pisces: No one knows your full potential unless you show it to them. Just make sure it’s fully dressed first, so you won’t have an uncomfortable conversation in the HR office.

Aries: Sometimes when you reach for your dreams, you grab the cookies instead. Before you glue yourself to the couch, try reaching for a smaller dream on a lower shelf to keep your motivation up.

Taurus: The universe broke the mold when it made you. Too bad it didn’t wait until after you were done. Don’t worry if you’re a little cracked, you’ve been that way all along.

Gemini: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Cancer: Happiness is a warm puppy with a few hundred dollar bills tucked in around its collar. Feel free to play and snuggle, just don’t ask the doggie where he’s earning his cash at night.

Leo: Opening up your heart to others is easier if you have a crowbar handy. Things are a bit rusty, so oil the hinges too, and maybe buy a few new throw pillows for company.

Virgo: Find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love involves really old billionaires with loose morals. Good thing you take CPR classes along with your yoga.

Libra: You’ve been inside so long, Netflix is about to cut you off. Find your shoes and head outside. If you can navigate your way to the street, maybe you can hire the neighborhood kid to cut your lawn so you can find your way back.

Scorpio: You don’t have to be the life of the party, but you can definitely be the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You’re sweet, and you don’t tear up people’s mouths like that Cap’n Crunch dude.

Sagittarius: There’s no “I” in team, but there is meat. So if you’re a zombie or you’re just really devoted to your paleo diet, Wednesday’s staff meeting will be especially good for you.

Capricorn: Know yourself and you’ll never be alone at a soiree; you can always keep up with your own sparkling wit and conversation. Good thing, too, because everyone else is giving you a very wide berth.

Aquarius: Thursday is a good day to rid yourself of things you don’t need, so change the locks before your brother-in-law comes back. He’s more comfortable in his van down by the river anyway, and you need a mancave for football and knitting.

Pisces: You don’t have to be a reflecting pool and mirror other people’s emotions. Be your own storm and slap the morons with a well-placed wave and the occasional sharknado.

Aries: If you haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, it’s because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when you’re having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If there’s an angel on your shoulder, he’s only there to ask directions. Listen to him while he’s perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think you’re ready to spring something new on your boss, but you’re not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, you’ll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry can’t compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Don’t forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: You’re quick to judge others’ shortcomings, but you haven’t spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone else’s life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all A’s in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: You’re still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while you’re in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.

Aries: Feel free to take a chance on Friday, just remember to give one back next week so the “Take a chance, leave a chance” dish isn’t empty for someone else needing it.

Taurus: A bird will answer your question on Tuesday. It could cheep, peep, tweet or just flip at you. No matter the method, you’ll get the point.

Gemini: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re not. You forgot to set the parking brake on your car, and everyone has their phone out, recording your coupe doing a Thelma & Louise off the cliff.

Cancer: All good things must end, so they can take a breather before they start up again. Give the goodness in your life a brief break so they can have a snack and put their feet up.

Leo: Forget about the man in the mirror and be more concerned about the camera behind the glass. Is it the CIA? KGB? Or just the newest season of Big Brother? Find out so you know whose butt to kick.

Virgo: Soar among the clouds, and you’ll be dodging geese, camera-packing drones and chicken sandwiches in rockets. Sometimes it’s safer to just take the bus to your dreams.

Libra: Knowledge comes from the outside, wisdom comes from within and sarcasm is like sand in your swim trunks: it goes everywhere. You can try to dig it out, or just squeeze your butt cheeks and turn it into a pearl.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like a sumo wrestler in Spanx; something’s got to give, and innocent bystanders shouldn’t be around when it happens. Give everyone a heads up before you pop.

Sagittarius: Don’t bother to explain yourself. If people can’t understand a TV remote, they won’t get you. Just change your own channel and leave them stuck in an informercial for copper-studded jockstraps.

Capricorn: Your job takes an interesting turn on Monday, crashes into a road sign on Wednesday, stalls out on a railroad crossing on Thursday, and comes out of the body shop with a fresh paint job on Friday. Congrats on another typical week.

Aquarius: Something you’ve yearned for will finally happen. It could be a big break in your career, or those Chicken & Waffles Oreos you’ve dreamed about for years. If you work in a bakery, it could be both.

Pisces: You’re filled with new fire, but don’t reach for the heartburn medicine just yet. This time it’s a flame of inspiration and ambition, and it will goose you into a much better tax bracket. Remember your flame-retardant Underoos, and all will be good.