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Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

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Aries: You don’t need to fly or have heat vision to be a hero. Sometimes all it involves is not gluing your co-workers to their desk chairs. Thankfully for you, the bar is set low. Still, leave right after quitting time on Friday, before you’re tempted.

Taurus: You are extra caliente, and you know it. The downside of being so fiery? You could burn your own habeneros off. Chill out by Wednesday, or you could be just a sexy puff of smoke.

Gemini:  Some days you’re the number one hit at the top of the charts; other days, you’re a Spotify collection of soft jazz. Put on your best Cardi B attitude this week, and no one will know you feel like Kenny G inside.

Cancer: You’re long past believing in unicorns and fairies, but a dream from your childhood comes true this week. Cherish it for the miracle it is, and resist the temptation to throw it on Craigslist for a quick buck.

Leo: The trouble with off-roading down the path less taken is that there are very few 7-11 stores along the way. Keep an eye on civilization as you explore the wilder side of human potential, or you could end up lost in a tattooed sea of Barry Manilow fans and no Porta-Potty.

Virgo: Both your bank account and gas tank have been empty for too long; fortunately, you still have that money-making idea about the non-stick patio furniture. Spray those thighs with some PAM and slide your way into fame and fortune.

Libra: Everyone wants a piece of you, but you’re a full-course meal, not a bag of Skittles. Get picky about who comes to dine. If they don’t respect your skills, turn the tables and eat their lunch.

Scorpio: You know where you are now, and you know where you want to be. Problem is, you can’t get there from here. Instead of playing demolition derby with the terrain, try a little GPS for the soul and find an easier path to what you want.

Sagittarius: You want to be a sleek Japanese bullet train, but let’s face facts: you’re really Thomas the Tank Engine. Enjoy your own speed, because it’s no fun being a train-shaped blur all the time.

Capricorn: Glaciers and life-changing decisions move at the same speed for you, but an opportunity requiring immediate action may pop up. You don’t have to throw caution to the wind, but you can loosen your death grip on it.

Aquarius: You may be rubber and they may be glue, but what bounces off you sticks to the wall, the door, the cat and a passing tourist. Avoid living your life according to fifth grade trash talk, and just ignore the idiots.

Pisces: You feel a spark inside, but there’s no need for alarm; it’s a spark of creativity and ambition. It’s okay, you’ll get used to it once you put down the fire extinguisher.

Flickr/zeevveez

 Aries: You’re feeling pulled in different directions, and realizing Tug o’War is no fun when you’re the rope. Time to slink away, coil up with Netflix and soothe those threadbare ends before someone stretches you out of shape.

Taurus: Someone close thinks your job has no point, but you believe you’re nailing it. Check your process before you swing that hammer again; instead of building an empire, you may just be thumping away without the hardware.

Gemini: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Westworld marathon.

Leo: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.

Virgo:  On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Libra: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

Scorpio: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Sagittarius: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Capricorn: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Aquarius: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Pisces: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Aries: Don’t give the Universe that look, you know what you did. Now go and stand in the corner while Karma calls around to see if anyone can steam-clean those drapes. Next time, leave the Jell-o and glue juggling to the professionals.

Taurus: Your week looks bright, shiny and happy. Except for Wednesday, it’s up to something. You can tell by the way it twirls that handlebar mustache. Avoid trains, tracks, and anyone in a top hat named Snidely.

Gemini: Some opportunities stomp in with a marching band, others slip through with a wink and a sly smile. Watch out for that one and keep some fresh undies in your bag, because the quiet ones are always down for an adventure.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a fart in yoga class; everyone knows you’re there, but they try to ignore you. Trumpet your talents so they take notice, even if you have to raise a stink.

Leo: You want your sweetie to be the wind beneath your wings, but they’re more like a sudden blast of cold air up your pants leg. You won’t soar, but you’ll definitely jump a few feet.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, mainly because people give them to you so you’ll shut up. They don’t realize that once you get bored, you’ll be itching once again to complain and score new booty like the world’s most annoying pirate.

Libra: All the world’s a stage, but no one asked you to be the star. That’s fine; you’d rather whip up drama behind the scenes, then grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: You’ve found your groove, but your needle has worn down. Get a new one before someone notices that your nub has left them all scratchy.

Sagittarius: The last few weeks have left you stretched too thin. Take a break and pull yourself together; otherwise, you could end up played like a set of bongos in a bad beach movie.

Capricorn: When life moves you one step forward and two steps back, shake your hips and wave your arms. Your sadness will be the newest dance craze.

Aquarius: Your job isn’t the greatest, but at least you can take home all the printer toner you want. Probably shouldn’t make cocktails with it, though. That black pee may be goth but it’s really freaking out your cleaning lady.

Pisces: You’ve just figured out your path to success. Quick! Write it down before it’s chased out of your head by the lyrics of Mambo No. 5. A little bit of Erica…oops. Too late.

Flickr/Remko van Dokkum

Aries: Each day blows in something new: sometimes it’s a basket filled with flowers. Most of the time, it’s a snout full of pollen.  Take some Benadryl and relax; the weekend arrives faster when you’re unconscious.

Taurus: Everyone tells you to reach for your dreams, but no one mentions how. If you don’t have a ladder, try piling up all those old magazines in a corner. You’ll work harder to grab that dream if the alternative is a slow slide down Paper Cut Mountain.

Gemini: Get ready for smooth sailing this week. Just in time, too, because last week was like riding a jet ski through a shark-infested thunderstorm. No one needs to see that many teeth taking a bite out of their own butts.

Cancer: Go through life thinking you know all the answers, and the universe will just bump you up to a harder level in the game. Quit looking for cheat codes and enjoy the mystery for a while.

Leo: You’ve worked your way up to an impressive one-man band, but the music doesn’t sound as sweet. Lay off a few of the kazoos, and take out the whole string section. Your chafed thighs will thank you.

Virgo: While you believe you’re an art visionary, your family has other ideas. Set aside the duct tape and fish scales for now and get a real job that involves wearing pants. You can always work on becoming a mermaid during your leisure time.

 Libra: A good bout of soul-searching should be about exploring your inner depth, not whistling to find it like a lost poodle. Next time, keep a leash on that thing, plus a pooper-scooper for when you next step in it.

Scorpio: At work, you’re second to none, but in love, you’re not even on the scoreboard. Go out Saturday night and work that mojo. You could land that half-court free throw and end up in someone’s highlight reel on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius: Quit pouting when life gives you lemons. Instead, figure out what else life is growing in that backyard garden. Maybe you can trade up for some juicy strawberries or a nice, firm eggplant.

Capricorn: You’re feeling so good, you laugh in the face of danger. There’s a 40 percent chance that danger can take a joke, and a 60 percent chance you’ll be walking home with your shoes hanging from your ears.

 Aquarius: You’ve been so busy looking for the negative, you haven’t noticed that fantastic opportunity right in front of you. Quit digging through the dirt, brush yourself off and take that positive new beginning out for a fancy coffee with caramel drizzle.

Pisces: Even when you’ve left a trail of bread crumbs, you have a hard time finding your way home. Ask the birds for directions; they owe you after all those free snacks.

Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.

Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.

Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.

Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear, or any underwear at all, just in case TMZ catches you by surprise.

Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey vibranium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.

Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, you can’t hear them after a couple of miles.

Libra: People think you’re a special little snowflake, but they’re reading the wrong forecast. You’re actually an adorable waterspout; you look great on video, but you will sink a jet ski if the haters get too close.

Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the Alexa speaker  ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.

Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that super villain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.

Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the plaid-covered grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.

Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic antacids can’t handle.

Pisces: You’ve come so close to success, you two could share a parking pass. Rev up that engine again, because this time you’re in the right lane.

Aries: You’re usually like morning coffee: hot, strong and scorching a lot of laps. This week, though, you’re upping your game to espresso, so be prepared to see a lot of trembling in your presence. Give those poor suckers a break, they can’t help but be addicted to you.

Taurus: New ideas don’t sneak up on you often, so when a winning proposition gooses you on Tuesday you might need to change your underwear as well as your thinking.

Gemini: An ill wind blows into your life on Sunday, but don’t worry; it’s just looking for some flu medicine and a hot toddy.  Take care of it, and it will blow some good fortune in your Kleenex.

Cancer: If you ask for help tending your garden, you’re likely to get all fertilizer and no water. Cut the crap and plant your own seeds of wisdom. No one knows your back forty like you do, especially after  that lonely summer at band camp.

Leo: You’re handing out advice like Cinnabon coupons, but your words don’t rise to the occasion. Freshen up your recipe with a dash of Nutella and orange, and people will knock down your door for your tasty counsel.

Virgo: You’ll have a touch-and-go Tuesday, a slap-and-tickle Saturday and a Friday so grabby you’ll need a taser. This is the wrong week to try out those new Daisy Dukes while directing traffic.

Libra:The journey of a lifetime often begins with a single step. If you don’t have the right pair of strappy heels for walking off the beaten path, just stay home and hop on the Internet. You can travel the world and be emotionally damaged in the comfort of your own living room.

Scorpio: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do open the door for a fantastic weekend. Keep a bag handy with the essentials; wine, almond oil, and your sequined superhero cape.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can enjoy that golden egg, but why not get dressed up and go find the farmer with a flock of those geese? One gander at your gams and he’ll honk only for you.

Capricorn: Some think you’re all work and no play, but that’s only because they haven’t seen what you do with five rolls of toilet paper and the Keurig machine once everyone’s gone. Remember to smile for the security cameras this time.

Aquarius: Your imagination is running faster than a pack of wild hamsters. Creativity is nice, but those furballs could be making you some money. Grab a wheel and a vodka-filled sippy bottle and get some work done.

Pisces: Forget hiking to the top of Mount Everest; you’ll accomplish something great if you put on pants before you check the mailbox out front. One small step for you, one giant sigh of relief for your neighbors.

Aries: You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can score a 2-for-1 coupon at the expired food emporium. Let others brag about their new cars; you now have a lifetime supply of off-brand Cheetos.

Taurus: It’s a long road ahead to your goal, but you’ve got sunscreen, a thermos and a motorized scooter. Hit the road, because you’re born to be wild. Also, don’t high-center on the speed bumps.

Gemini: Another day is in the can, but you’re hoping for something fresher next time. Ask Karma for one of those meal kits, and you’ll spice things up on Thursday.

Cancer: You think you’ve got everything under control, but not even deluxe Spanx can keep you from showing your butt on Saturday. Take a friend who packs a beach towel in their bag; you’ll need it.

Leo: You’ve expanded your horizons, now it’s time to work on that vertical hold. Ask someone to twirl your antenna a few times. Once they get your message, your evening will be picture perfect.

Virgo: That new fashion design sounded good in your head, but no one will buy outfits made from paper plates stapled together. Think up something better while you’re at the Laundromat, because that prototype could get you arrested.

Libra: Mentally, you’re sleeping in your car, which means your thoughts are all rumpled and you’ve dropped Dorito crumbs in the corners of your brain. Life may be all about the journey, but it’s nice to kick back in a good hotel room along the way.

Scorpio: Flaming drama is fun to watch from a distance, but that shooting star you wished on could be a meteor roaring your way. Be ready to jump high or wish for a jet pack.

Sagittarius: It’s fine to put all your eggs in one basket, as long as you don’t mind omelets. If you fall, get back up, pick out the shell bits and chop some spinach. Sometimes failure leads to the brand new recipes.

Capricorn: Your best moves are those no one can see, and that’s okay. Feel free to join those angels dancing on the head of a pin, and remember to bring your mixtape and a disco ball. They’ll appreciate the new groove.

Aquarius: Personal growth is good, but you should probably have someone look at that thing blooming on your pinky toe. Also, start wearing flip-flops in the gym locker room.

Pisces: Finding it tough to pin your thoughts down? Set out a trap with a box propped up with a stick, and some string, Wile E. Coyote-style. Capture those ideas with a few cupcakes, and they’ll be happy to stay around.

 

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