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 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

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 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Aries: Don’t give the Universe that look, you know what you did. Now go and stand in the corner while Karma calls around to see if anyone can steam-clean those drapes. Next time, leave the Jell-o and glue juggling to the professionals.

Taurus: Your week looks bright, shiny and happy. Except for Wednesday, it’s up to something. You can tell by the way it twirls that handlebar mustache. Avoid trains, tracks, and anyone in a top hat named Snidely.

Gemini: Some opportunities stomp in with a marching band, others slip through with a wink and a sly smile. Watch out for that one and keep some fresh undies in your bag, because the quiet ones are always down for an adventure.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a fart in yoga class; everyone knows you’re there, but they try to ignore you. Trumpet your talents so they take notice, even if you have to raise a stink.

Leo: You want your sweetie to be the wind beneath your wings, but they’re more like a sudden blast of cold air up your pants leg. You won’t soar, but you’ll definitely jump a few feet.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, mainly because people give them to you so you’ll shut up. They don’t realize that once you get bored, you’ll be itching once again to complain and score new booty like the world’s most annoying pirate.

Libra: All the world’s a stage, but no one asked you to be the star. That’s fine; you’d rather whip up drama behind the scenes, then grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: You’ve found your groove, but your needle has worn down. Get a new one before someone notices that your nub has left them all scratchy.

Sagittarius: The last few weeks have left you stretched too thin. Take a break and pull yourself together; otherwise, you could end up played like a set of bongos in a bad beach movie.

Capricorn: When life moves you one step forward and two steps back, shake your hips and wave your arms. Your sadness will be the newest dance craze.

Aquarius: Your job isn’t the greatest, but at least you can take home all the printer toner you want. Probably shouldn’t make cocktails with it, though. That black pee may be goth but it’s really freaking out your cleaning lady.

Pisces: You’ve just figured out your path to success. Quick! Write it down before it’s chased out of your head by the lyrics of Mambo No. 5. A little bit of Erica…oops. Too late.

Flickr/Remko van Dokkum

Aries: Each day blows in something new: sometimes it’s a basket filled with flowers. Most of the time, it’s a snout full of pollen.  Take some Benadryl and relax; the weekend arrives faster when you’re unconscious.

Taurus: Everyone tells you to reach for your dreams, but no one mentions how. If you don’t have a ladder, try piling up all those old magazines in a corner. You’ll work harder to grab that dream if the alternative is a slow slide down Paper Cut Mountain.

Gemini: Get ready for smooth sailing this week. Just in time, too, because last week was like riding a jet ski through a shark-infested thunderstorm. No one needs to see that many teeth taking a bite out of their own butts.

Cancer: Go through life thinking you know all the answers, and the universe will just bump you up to a harder level in the game. Quit looking for cheat codes and enjoy the mystery for a while.

Leo: You’ve worked your way up to an impressive one-man band, but the music doesn’t sound as sweet. Lay off a few of the kazoos, and take out the whole string section. Your chafed thighs will thank you.

Virgo: While you believe you’re an art visionary, your family has other ideas. Set aside the duct tape and fish scales for now and get a real job that involves wearing pants. You can always work on becoming a mermaid during your leisure time.

 Libra: A good bout of soul-searching should be about exploring your inner depth, not whistling to find it like a lost poodle. Next time, keep a leash on that thing, plus a pooper-scooper for when you next step in it.

Scorpio: At work, you’re second to none, but in love, you’re not even on the scoreboard. Go out Saturday night and work that mojo. You could land that half-court free throw and end up in someone’s highlight reel on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius: Quit pouting when life gives you lemons. Instead, figure out what else life is growing in that backyard garden. Maybe you can trade up for some juicy strawberries or a nice, firm eggplant.

Capricorn: You’re feeling so good, you laugh in the face of danger. There’s a 40 percent chance that danger can take a joke, and a 60 percent chance you’ll be walking home with your shoes hanging from your ears.

 Aquarius: You’ve been so busy looking for the negative, you haven’t noticed that fantastic opportunity right in front of you. Quit digging through the dirt, brush yourself off and take that positive new beginning out for a fancy coffee with caramel drizzle.

Pisces: Even when you’ve left a trail of bread crumbs, you have a hard time finding your way home. Ask the birds for directions; they owe you after all those free snacks.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: You feel fit as a fiddle, but your dedication to pizza and wine is slowly turning you into a bassoon. Don’t worry about it; someone appreciates your curves, and you’re good as long as you can fit into the orchestra pit.

Taurus: Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry until snot runs down your shirt, and you’ll have the entire train car to yourself. A little public humiliation is a small price to pay for a quiet commute on Thursday.

Gemini: Everybody’s talking about which came first, the chicken or the egg, and you’re just wondering who built the nest. Keep thinking outside the bock-bock-bock-box, and you’ll rule the henhouse.

Cancer: No good deed goes unpunished; so do something nice for charity this week, and on Saturday night you’ll see your honey in high heels carrying the ping pong paddles. Honey always beats the pants off you in that game.

Leo: You may feel tenser than a rubber sheet stretched out on the clothesline, but don’t worry. After you’ve aired your grievances, Wednesday will shake you out and take you inside for a nice fluff and fold.

Virgo: You should have re-thought your plan before you snuck into the boss’ office with a pair of roller skates, five tarantulas and a mirror ball, but now’s not the time to question your plan. Just kidding. Question it a lot, because it’s hard to support disco tarantulas on unemployment.

Libra: It’s fine to indulge in some deep thought, just don’t lose your footing and get lost splashing in the current. Next time you dive into your own mind, wear flippers and a snorkel.

Scorpio: Every dog has its day, but the rest of the wildlife own the nighttime. Slap on that eye makeup and shake out that tail, because it’s time to waddle your raccoon butt over to the afterparty behind the dumpster.

Sagittarius: Someone’s demanding you make a decision, but you don’t want to choose. Instead, tell them you can have it all. It may not happen, but you’ll have an exciting week while you try.

Capricorn: If everything looks set in stone, it’s because you’re staring at a wall. Opportunity will tap you on the shoulder Monday. Turn around and head into a new direction, but check your shoelaces often. You don’t want to trip over a new success.

Aquarius: A relative is trying to tick off your internal clock, but you went digital years ago. Hit the snooze button and ignore them. Your dreams are far more fun with 100 percent more David Hasselhoff and zero percent nagging.

Pisces: It’s hard to know when you’re in the zone, because you never see any road signs. Program directions to that productive sweet spot on Google Maps, so you’ll know how to find it again. Otherwise, you’ll just keep circling frustration and the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Right now you’re feeling a lot like a Slinky: all stretched out and continually falling down stairs. Pull yourself together. Sometimes it’s good to have your spring wound a little tight.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. If your co-worker throws your lunch away again, get your tools ready.

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current mood, except for the pounds you’re putting on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie, go outside and see what people who wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of medical conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: When Thursday comes, you’ll either learn one shocking secret or a weird old trick. Pick either one, because the true lesson is don’t believe those clickbait ads.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. You’ll save on dog food, but Fido might need a diet plan.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Aries: You’re playing to the crowd, but not everyone bought a ticket to your particular show. Be honest to yourself before asking the audience how you’re doing. With luck, they left the rotten tomatoes at home.

Taurus: Sometimes you must accept defeat and ask for help, because no amount of elbow grease will take that patch of super-strong glue off your butt. Next time, don’t repair your favorite wine glass while you’re in the middle of a naked Twister game.

 Gemini: Go ahead, reach for the stars. Let the neighbors wonder why you’re waving your arms in the street and yelling “I’m coming for you, Pluto!” You can outwit them with your ambitious dreams, but you might not outrun them if they’re packing a strait jacket.

Cancer: Everyone seems to love your work, but you still think someone’s out to get you. It could be a royal scheme to get your desk dragons, or you could just be really in severe “Game of Thrones” withdrawal.

 Leo: You’re finally in the right place at the right time so don’t make the wrong move. Also, don’t freeze up. Or overthink it. And definitely don’t start hysterically giggling when the investors arrive. Otherwise, just be yourself.

Virgo:  Spring is in the air, but pride goes before a fall. If you’re at the end of the parade, watch your step and wear sensible shoes. Swap out the 12-inch heels for eight inches. The six-foot-tall, hairy Girl Scout cosplayers walking behind you will thank you.

Libra: Good news! The raccoons have accepted your bribe and your plan is ready to go. Now all you need is the barrel of coconut oil, a Go Pro camera, and three hula hoops. Remember all the little people when you’re famous.

Scorpio: Your mojo is on point this Friday; you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Seize the glory and everyone’s attention with a few of your best moves, and the free drinks will flow.

Sagittarius: Let a smile be your umbrella and you’ll slosh when you walk. At least when someone asks about your bulbous booty cheeks, you can honestly say it’s water weight. Also, you can knock them over when you turn around, because they’re rude.

 Capricorn: As the goat of the zodiac, you can scale any obstacle. That doesn’t mean you should, though. Keep your hooves on the ground and learn a bit of patience. You can climb that mountain next time.

Aquarius: You don’t need all of life’s answers, but you would appreciate a few. Here they are: left, Albuquerque, 42, and your high school locker combination.

Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, usually because someone just walked through it. Grab that doorknob and slide in before it slams shut. When in doubt, make friends with a janitor, because they have all the keys.

Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.

Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.

Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape.  Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.

Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.

Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.

Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.

Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.

Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.

Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.

Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.

Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.

Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.

Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.

Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something  doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.

Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.

 

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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