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Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

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Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen.  After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.

Flickr/Remko van Dokkum

Aries: You may be a dollar short and a day late, but you’ll never get stuck at boring corporate dinners. You will, however, meet some really cool catering people who don’t care if you take all those uneaten, dry chicken breasts home.

Taurus: Tuesday won’t be a tornado of activity, but it will be a dust devil of small errands. Enjoy the leisurely pace, because kids’ extracurricular activities start soon. Don’t have kids and feeling left out? Enroll your cat in red dot laser tag.

Gemini: Better days may not be in reach, but you can get them anyway if you use a broom to knock them off the top shelf. Grab them and scurry away before karma announces a cleanup in aisle 4.

Cancer: You want to be the life of the party, but your small talk needs a few electric shocks to survive. Bring up that really embarrassing thing your friend did in eighth grade, and how you helped him duct tape the broken chandelier to a giant chicken statue. That’ll get the conversational ball rolling.

Leo: A whole new world has opened up to you. Don’t complain about it before you’ve ripped the shrink wrap off; give it a chance. It didn’t come with a receipt, so you can’t return it anyway.

Virgo: Don’t worry about your days being numbered. You should be more concerned about your nights being lettered, and who stuck those emojis all over your afternoons. Perhaps you need a less magnetic personality.

Libra: True, life isn’t fair. Sometimes it’s partly cloudy. Have an umbrella handy for sudden emotional downpours, and you can happily jump in a few puddles along the way.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield. On Thursday, you’ll be the squeegee, cleaning up someone else’s mess. Don’t worry, it pays well.

Sagittarius: There’s a song in your heart, but no room in your pants. Either dig out the Buns of Steel DVD or go shopping because at this rate, you could bend over and hit a note that shatters glass.

Capricorn: Usually your thoughts are jewels to behold, but lately you’ve pawned them all in exchange for bad TV and generic cereal. Unplug from the crap or you’ll only be left with a few sugar-coated brain cells floating in the milk.

Aquarius: You’ll get something you need on Monday, but what about something you want? It can be yours if you’re willing to work for it. Lucky for you, your legs are stunning and you can still do the Macarena.

Pisces: You never had champagne wishes and caviar dreams, but you do have a few fantasies where all the bills are paid. Get dolled up for Friday, because that one could come true.

Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.

Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Cancer:  You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.

Leo:  Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.

 Virgo:  Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.

Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.

Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.

Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.

Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.

Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner your sweetie refuses to give up. Could even be enough luck to get rid of that recliner, too.

Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.

Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bull puckey drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your crap detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.

Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive a few minutes of national TV time when someone discovers lost photos you forgot to pick up at Walgreen’s in 1998.  Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird dude in Batman mask and underwear” last forever.

Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses. Your nose will appreciate the change in fragrant scenery, although your thumbs will hate you if you forget about the thorns.

Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop doing those nasty things to your boss’ coffee. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.

Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Build a bridge and get over it, and karma will let you cash in as toll-taker.

Sagittarius: You know your fears so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. You’ll have fewer snacks, but more peace of mind.

Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.

Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space while you’re pulling into it, all bets are off.

Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. Opportunity won’t care what you’re wearing when it knocks, as long as you’re decent enough to answer the door.

Aries: You don’t need to fly or have heat vision to be a hero. Sometimes all it involves is not gluing your co-workers to their desk chairs. Thankfully for you, the bar is set low. Still, leave right after quitting time on Friday, before you’re tempted.

Taurus: You are extra caliente, and you know it. The downside of being so fiery? You could burn your own habeneros off. Chill out by Wednesday, or you could be just a sexy puff of smoke.

Gemini:  Some days you’re the number one hit at the top of the charts; other days, you’re a Spotify collection of soft jazz. Put on your best Cardi B attitude this week, and no one will know you feel like Kenny G inside.

Cancer: You’re long past believing in unicorns and fairies, but a dream from your childhood comes true this week. Cherish it for the miracle it is, and resist the temptation to throw it on Craigslist for a quick buck.

Leo: The trouble with off-roading down the path less taken is that there are very few 7-11 stores along the way. Keep an eye on civilization as you explore the wilder side of human potential, or you could end up lost in a tattooed sea of Barry Manilow fans and no Porta-Potty.

Virgo: Both your bank account and gas tank have been empty for too long; fortunately, you still have that money-making idea about the non-stick patio furniture. Spray those thighs with some PAM and slide your way into fame and fortune.

Libra: Everyone wants a piece of you, but you’re a full-course meal, not a bag of Skittles. Get picky about who comes to dine. If they don’t respect your skills, turn the tables and eat their lunch.

Scorpio: You know where you are now, and you know where you want to be. Problem is, you can’t get there from here. Instead of playing demolition derby with the terrain, try a little GPS for the soul and find an easier path to what you want.

Sagittarius: You want to be a sleek Japanese bullet train, but let’s face facts: you’re really Thomas the Tank Engine. Enjoy your own speed, because it’s no fun being a train-shaped blur all the time.

Capricorn: Glaciers and life-changing decisions move at the same speed for you, but an opportunity requiring immediate action may pop up. You don’t have to throw caution to the wind, but you can loosen your death grip on it.

Aquarius: You may be rubber and they may be glue, but what bounces off you sticks to the wall, the door, the cat and a passing tourist. Avoid living your life according to fifth grade trash talk, and just ignore the idiots.

Pisces: You feel a spark inside, but there’s no need for alarm; it’s a spark of creativity and ambition. It’s okay, you’ll get used to it once you put down the fire extinguisher.

 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Aries: You light up a room with your smile, but carrying around that generator to power your dental work is tough on your back. Switch to LED bulbs and slap some solar panels on your butt; your crowd-dazzling grin will last until the next cloudy day.

Taurus: Finally, you’ve set off for an epic journey! Too bad you’ve fallen into haunted well five feet from the starting line. Climb out and keep going, otherwise a weird, long-haired ghost will pop out of nowhere and demand you add her to your LinkedIn network.

Gemini: The truth may not be pretty, but you can fix that with a hand full of dollar store makeup and the right Snapchat filter.  No one will care about your words when your contour game is strong enough for your own YouTube channel.

Cancer: All eyes are on you, so you can be a movie star or a potato. Either way, you’re going to need a thicker skin. Don’t hide in the corner too long, though, or you could start sprouting in odd places.

Leo: Redeem yourself with someone you love this week. If you’re really lucky, your sweetie offers double coupons. Good thing you keep that handheld barcode scanner next to the baby oil.

Virgo: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Libra: The best revenge isn’t living well; it’s forgetting your enemies’ names and accidentally thinking they are ushers at your high school reunion. Their stares will last a few minutes, but your smile will hang around for years.

Scorpio: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Sagittarius: You think you’re hot and spicy, but you’re really just raisins in someone’s potato salad: tasteless and cringe-inducing. Find yourself a better recipe, and everyone will want a bite of you.

Capricorn:  For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.

Aquarius: You’re not more accomplished when you burn the candle at both ends. You’re just slumped over with wax stuck to your pants. Avoid the awkward stares at the cleaner’s and get some rest.

Pisces: For weeks, each day has been like a song stuck in your head: the same refrain, again and again. Time to write your own tune. Remember to add in three monkeys on percussion and a kazoo orchestra to really give it some zing.

Aries: Don’t give the Universe that look, you know what you did. Now go and stand in the corner while Karma calls around to see if anyone can steam-clean those drapes. Next time, leave the Jell-o and glue juggling to the professionals.

Taurus: Your week looks bright, shiny and happy. Except for Wednesday, it’s up to something. You can tell by the way it twirls that handlebar mustache. Avoid trains, tracks, and anyone in a top hat named Snidely.

Gemini: Some opportunities stomp in with a marching band, others slip through with a wink and a sly smile. Watch out for that one and keep some fresh undies in your bag, because the quiet ones are always down for an adventure.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a fart in yoga class; everyone knows you’re there, but they try to ignore you. Trumpet your talents so they take notice, even if you have to raise a stink.

Leo: You want your sweetie to be the wind beneath your wings, but they’re more like a sudden blast of cold air up your pants leg. You won’t soar, but you’ll definitely jump a few feet.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, mainly because people give them to you so you’ll shut up. They don’t realize that once you get bored, you’ll be itching once again to complain and score new booty like the world’s most annoying pirate.

Libra: All the world’s a stage, but no one asked you to be the star. That’s fine; you’d rather whip up drama behind the scenes, then grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: You’ve found your groove, but your needle has worn down. Get a new one before someone notices that your nub has left them all scratchy.

Sagittarius: The last few weeks have left you stretched too thin. Take a break and pull yourself together; otherwise, you could end up played like a set of bongos in a bad beach movie.

Capricorn: When life moves you one step forward and two steps back, shake your hips and wave your arms. Your sadness will be the newest dance craze.

Aquarius: Your job isn’t the greatest, but at least you can take home all the printer toner you want. Probably shouldn’t make cocktails with it, though. That black pee may be goth but it’s really freaking out your cleaning lady.

Pisces: You’ve just figured out your path to success. Quick! Write it down before it’s chased out of your head by the lyrics of Mambo No. 5. A little bit of Erica…oops. Too late.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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