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 Aries: Look over that good thing very carefully. Even a genie granting wishes has fine print. Get a magnifying glass, or just pour some whiskey in his bottle so he’s too sloshed to care about the details.

Taurus: You want to be a people person except that involves, well, people. Start small by having an animated conversation with your mailbox. After that, you’ll be brave enough for small talk while the guy with the butterfly net chases you down.

Gemini: Don’t think of the gathering clouds as a coming storm; think of them as a bunch of fluffy friends throwing a party with wind, rain and a few lightning bolts headed toward your slow-moving butt. Hunker down, and be ready to clean up the red party cups afterward.

Cancer: The universe believes in second chances, but you’re trying its patience with chances three through eight. Make number nine stick, before opportunity gets bored of laughing at you and moves on.

Leo: You want to connect with life on a deep, spiritual level. But if you dig down too far, you’ll just find that Karma dyes its roots. Back up and be happy with some shallow compliments; they feel just as good.

Virgo: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a stoned moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy fast, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Libra: You don’t have to burn every bridge just to have some mood lighting at dinner. Leave a few standing so you’ll have someone to enjoy that meal with, instead of eating cheese dip over the sink again.

Scorpio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but all three will crap on you if you startle them.  Wear a bell on your bracelet, and your dry cleaning bill will be much smaller this week.

Sagittarius: Friday is all you could wish for; that hottie asks you out, your skinny jeans actually look skinny on you, and you find five dollars in the parking lot. Take a selfie, because this is as good as it gets.

Capricorn: Some days are like rare gourmet delicacies, others are like gas station sushi. You’ll know which one this Wednesday is when you mutter “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Aquarius: Others may worry about trudging through tough times, but you skip along with a beach umbrella and a picnic lunch. Focus that shiny attitude, and it will zap any ants who try to drag your day down.

Pisces: If you make a mountain out of a molehill, all it accomplishes is increasing property values for the mole. Use those sand castle building skills on your self-esteem; right now it’s in that mole’s basement behind the tiny water heater.

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 Aries: You’re so lucky on Tuesday, you’re like lightning in a bottle. Remember to say ‘excuse me’ after a big thunderclap, and sit next to a fan to keep yourself aired out.

Taurus: Consulting the voices in your head doesn’t count as an official second opinion. Talk to some actual, live people before making your big decision, and let the inner grumps do what they do best: argue over contestants on ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Gemini: Some people take the bullet train to success, but you’re riding a Roomba. Quit bouncing off walls; step outside and find your own way to the top. That jetpack under the oak tree looks nice.

Cancer: Change is more than what you dig out of the couch when your wallet is empty; sometimes it’s just the thing for shaking up your dull, staid existence. Get your hands out of your own cushions and grab some new experiences.

Leo: On Wednesday, you’re the car battery of inspiration: anyone standing close to you will get a jolt of ingenuity. It’s great to see everyone off and running, just remember to keep a few sparks for yourself so you won’t run down.

Virgo: You think up the perfect money-making scheme Thursday night, but it was all a dream. Take some naps until you find it again, because that idea is just bizarre enough to work in 2018.

Libra: Usually you love being in the driver’s seat of life, but lately you’re tired, your butt is numb and someone keeps changing your radio station. Let someone else take over for a while, and just enjoy the scenery of endless cornfields and Subway restaurants.

Scorpio: Just when you’ve finally figured out roller skates, everyone’s using hoverboards. Show them all up and whip out that solar-powered flying carpet in your closet. You’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, until they realize you can see over the fences.

Sagittarius: Have a smile for an umbrella this week, and while you’re at it, use a guffaw for your rain boots and a hearty snort as your hat. But please, wear actual pants. It’s going to be weird enough with you sloshing around, no one needs to see your Batman undies too.

Capricorn: Feeling listless and unimaginative? Go stand next to a Leo for a few minutes. That jump start will zap you into shape, and the smell of singed hair will fade away after a few days.

Aquarius: You’re crankier than an aardvark with a headcold this week. Hang out in the sauna for a while. Not only will it clear your head, it will keep you out of the way until your mood improves.

Pisces: You think you’re trapped in a canyon, but in reality you’re only stuck in a rut. No need for climbing gear, just lift your left foot a little higher and step out. You’re still entitled to a victory dance once you’re out, of course.

Aries: You light up a room with your smile, but carrying around that generator to power your dental work is tough on your back. Switch to LED bulbs and slap some solar panels on your butt; your crowd-dazzling grin will last until the next cloudy day.

Taurus: Finally, you’ve set off for an epic journey! Too bad you’ve fallen into haunted well five feet from the starting line. Climb out and keep going, otherwise a weird, long-haired ghost will pop out of nowhere and demand you add her to your LinkedIn network.

Gemini: The truth may not be pretty, but you can fix that with a hand full of dollar store makeup and the right Snapchat filter.  No one will care about your words when your contour game is strong enough for your own YouTube channel.

Cancer: All eyes are on you, so you can be a movie star or a potato. Either way, you’re going to need a thicker skin. Don’t hide in the corner too long, though, or you could start sprouting in odd places.

Leo: Redeem yourself with someone you love this week. If you’re really lucky, your sweetie offers double coupons. Good thing you keep that handheld barcode scanner next to the baby oil.

Virgo: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Libra: The best revenge isn’t living well; it’s forgetting your enemies’ names and accidentally thinking they are ushers at your high school reunion. Their stares will last a few minutes, but your smile will hang around for years.

Scorpio: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Sagittarius: You think you’re hot and spicy, but you’re really just raisins in someone’s potato salad: tasteless and cringe-inducing. Find yourself a better recipe, and everyone will want a bite of you.

Capricorn:  For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.

Aquarius: You’re not more accomplished when you burn the candle at both ends. You’re just slumped over with wax stuck to your pants. Avoid the awkward stares at the cleaner’s and get some rest.

Pisces: For weeks, each day has been like a song stuck in your head: the same refrain, again and again. Time to write your own tune. Remember to add in three monkeys on percussion and a kazoo orchestra to really give it some zing.

Aries: Don’t give the Universe that look, you know what you did. Now go and stand in the corner while Karma calls around to see if anyone can steam-clean those drapes. Next time, leave the Jell-o and glue juggling to the professionals.

Taurus: Your week looks bright, shiny and happy. Except for Wednesday, it’s up to something. You can tell by the way it twirls that handlebar mustache. Avoid trains, tracks, and anyone in a top hat named Snidely.

Gemini: Some opportunities stomp in with a marching band, others slip through with a wink and a sly smile. Watch out for that one and keep some fresh undies in your bag, because the quiet ones are always down for an adventure.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a fart in yoga class; everyone knows you’re there, but they try to ignore you. Trumpet your talents so they take notice, even if you have to raise a stink.

Leo: You want your sweetie to be the wind beneath your wings, but they’re more like a sudden blast of cold air up your pants leg. You won’t soar, but you’ll definitely jump a few feet.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, mainly because people give them to you so you’ll shut up. They don’t realize that once you get bored, you’ll be itching once again to complain and score new booty like the world’s most annoying pirate.

Libra: All the world’s a stage, but no one asked you to be the star. That’s fine; you’d rather whip up drama behind the scenes, then grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: You’ve found your groove, but your needle has worn down. Get a new one before someone notices that your nub has left them all scratchy.

Sagittarius: The last few weeks have left you stretched too thin. Take a break and pull yourself together; otherwise, you could end up played like a set of bongos in a bad beach movie.

Capricorn: When life moves you one step forward and two steps back, shake your hips and wave your arms. Your sadness will be the newest dance craze.

Aquarius: Your job isn’t the greatest, but at least you can take home all the printer toner you want. Probably shouldn’t make cocktails with it, though. That black pee may be goth but it’s really freaking out your cleaning lady.

Pisces: You’ve just figured out your path to success. Quick! Write it down before it’s chased out of your head by the lyrics of Mambo No. 5. A little bit of Erica…oops. Too late.

Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: You feel fit as a fiddle, but your dedication to pizza and wine is slowly turning you into a bassoon. Don’t worry about it; someone appreciates your curves, and you’re good as long as you can fit into the orchestra pit.

Taurus: Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry until snot runs down your shirt, and you’ll have the entire train car to yourself. A little public humiliation is a small price to pay for a quiet commute on Thursday.

Gemini: Everybody’s talking about which came first, the chicken or the egg, and you’re just wondering who built the nest. Keep thinking outside the bock-bock-bock-box, and you’ll rule the henhouse.

Cancer: No good deed goes unpunished; so do something nice for charity this week, and on Saturday night you’ll see your honey in high heels carrying the ping pong paddles. Honey always beats the pants off you in that game.

Leo: You may feel tenser than a rubber sheet stretched out on the clothesline, but don’t worry. After you’ve aired your grievances, Wednesday will shake you out and take you inside for a nice fluff and fold.

Virgo: You should have re-thought your plan before you snuck into the boss’ office with a pair of roller skates, five tarantulas and a mirror ball, but now’s not the time to question your plan. Just kidding. Question it a lot, because it’s hard to support disco tarantulas on unemployment.

Libra: It’s fine to indulge in some deep thought, just don’t lose your footing and get lost splashing in the current. Next time you dive into your own mind, wear flippers and a snorkel.

Scorpio: Every dog has its day, but the rest of the wildlife own the nighttime. Slap on that eye makeup and shake out that tail, because it’s time to waddle your raccoon butt over to the afterparty behind the dumpster.

Sagittarius: Someone’s demanding you make a decision, but you don’t want to choose. Instead, tell them you can have it all. It may not happen, but you’ll have an exciting week while you try.

Capricorn: If everything looks set in stone, it’s because you’re staring at a wall. Opportunity will tap you on the shoulder Monday. Turn around and head into a new direction, but check your shoelaces often. You don’t want to trip over a new success.

Aquarius: A relative is trying to tick off your internal clock, but you went digital years ago. Hit the snooze button and ignore them. Your dreams are far more fun with 100 percent more David Hasselhoff and zero percent nagging.

Pisces: It’s hard to know when you’re in the zone, because you never see any road signs. Program directions to that productive sweet spot on Google Maps, so you’ll know how to find it again. Otherwise, you’ll just keep circling frustration and the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Aries: You’re usually like morning coffee: hot, strong and scorching a lot of laps. This week, though, you’re upping your game to espresso, so be prepared to see a lot of trembling in your presence. Give those poor suckers a break, they can’t help but be addicted to you.

Taurus: New ideas don’t sneak up on you often, so when a winning proposition gooses you on Tuesday you might need to change your underwear as well as your thinking.

Gemini: An ill wind blows into your life on Sunday, but don’t worry; it’s just looking for some flu medicine and a hot toddy.  Take care of it, and it will blow some good fortune in your Kleenex.

Cancer: If you ask for help tending your garden, you’re likely to get all fertilizer and no water. Cut the crap and plant your own seeds of wisdom. No one knows your back forty like you do, especially after  that lonely summer at band camp.

Leo: You’re handing out advice like Cinnabon coupons, but your words don’t rise to the occasion. Freshen up your recipe with a dash of Nutella and orange, and people will knock down your door for your tasty counsel.

Virgo: You’ll have a touch-and-go Tuesday, a slap-and-tickle Saturday and a Friday so grabby you’ll need a taser. This is the wrong week to try out those new Daisy Dukes while directing traffic.

Libra:The journey of a lifetime often begins with a single step. If you don’t have the right pair of strappy heels for walking off the beaten path, just stay home and hop on the Internet. You can travel the world and be emotionally damaged in the comfort of your own living room.

Scorpio: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do open the door for a fantastic weekend. Keep a bag handy with the essentials; wine, almond oil, and your sequined superhero cape.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can enjoy that golden egg, but why not get dressed up and go find the farmer with a flock of those geese? One gander at your gams and he’ll honk only for you.

Capricorn: Some think you’re all work and no play, but that’s only because they haven’t seen what you do with five rolls of toilet paper and the Keurig machine once everyone’s gone. Remember to smile for the security cameras this time.

Aquarius: Your imagination is running faster than a pack of wild hamsters. Creativity is nice, but those furballs could be making you some money. Grab a wheel and a vodka-filled sippy bottle and get some work done.

Pisces: Forget hiking to the top of Mount Everest; you’ll accomplish something great if you put on pants before you check the mailbox out front. One small step for you, one giant sigh of relief for your neighbors.

Aries: You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can score a 2-for-1 coupon at the expired food emporium. Let others brag about their new cars; you now have a lifetime supply of off-brand Cheetos.

Taurus: It’s a long road ahead to your goal, but you’ve got sunscreen, a thermos and a motorized scooter. Hit the road, because you’re born to be wild. Also, don’t high-center on the speed bumps.

Gemini: Another day is in the can, but you’re hoping for something fresher next time. Ask Karma for one of those meal kits, and you’ll spice things up on Thursday.

Cancer: You think you’ve got everything under control, but not even deluxe Spanx can keep you from showing your butt on Saturday. Take a friend who packs a beach towel in their bag; you’ll need it.

Leo: You’ve expanded your horizons, now it’s time to work on that vertical hold. Ask someone to twirl your antenna a few times. Once they get your message, your evening will be picture perfect.

Virgo: That new fashion design sounded good in your head, but no one will buy outfits made from paper plates stapled together. Think up something better while you’re at the Laundromat, because that prototype could get you arrested.

Libra: Mentally, you’re sleeping in your car, which means your thoughts are all rumpled and you’ve dropped Dorito crumbs in the corners of your brain. Life may be all about the journey, but it’s nice to kick back in a good hotel room along the way.

Scorpio: Flaming drama is fun to watch from a distance, but that shooting star you wished on could be a meteor roaring your way. Be ready to jump high or wish for a jet pack.

Sagittarius: It’s fine to put all your eggs in one basket, as long as you don’t mind omelets. If you fall, get back up, pick out the shell bits and chop some spinach. Sometimes failure leads to the brand new recipes.

Capricorn: Your best moves are those no one can see, and that’s okay. Feel free to join those angels dancing on the head of a pin, and remember to bring your mixtape and a disco ball. They’ll appreciate the new groove.

Aquarius: Personal growth is good, but you should probably have someone look at that thing blooming on your pinky toe. Also, start wearing flip-flops in the gym locker room.

Pisces: Finding it tough to pin your thoughts down? Set out a trap with a box propped up with a stick, and some string, Wile E. Coyote-style. Capture those ideas with a few cupcakes, and they’ll be happy to stay around.

 

Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.

Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.

Aries: You’re playing to the crowd, but not everyone bought a ticket to your particular show. Be honest to yourself before asking the audience how you’re doing. With luck, they left the rotten tomatoes at home.

Taurus: Sometimes you must accept defeat and ask for help, because no amount of elbow grease will take that patch of super-strong glue off your butt. Next time, don’t repair your favorite wine glass while you’re in the middle of a naked Twister game.

 Gemini: Go ahead, reach for the stars. Let the neighbors wonder why you’re waving your arms in the street and yelling “I’m coming for you, Pluto!” You can outwit them with your ambitious dreams, but you might not outrun them if they’re packing a strait jacket.

Cancer: Everyone seems to love your work, but you still think someone’s out to get you. It could be a royal scheme to get your desk dragons, or you could just be really in severe “Game of Thrones” withdrawal.

 Leo: You’re finally in the right place at the right time so don’t make the wrong move. Also, don’t freeze up. Or overthink it. And definitely don’t start hysterically giggling when the investors arrive. Otherwise, just be yourself.

Virgo:  Spring is in the air, but pride goes before a fall. If you’re at the end of the parade, watch your step and wear sensible shoes. Swap out the 12-inch heels for eight inches. The six-foot-tall, hairy Girl Scout cosplayers walking behind you will thank you.

Libra: Good news! The raccoons have accepted your bribe and your plan is ready to go. Now all you need is the barrel of coconut oil, a Go Pro camera, and three hula hoops. Remember all the little people when you’re famous.

Scorpio: Your mojo is on point this Friday; you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Seize the glory and everyone’s attention with a few of your best moves, and the free drinks will flow.

Sagittarius: Let a smile be your umbrella and you’ll slosh when you walk. At least when someone asks about your bulbous booty cheeks, you can honestly say it’s water weight. Also, you can knock them over when you turn around, because they’re rude.

 Capricorn: As the goat of the zodiac, you can scale any obstacle. That doesn’t mean you should, though. Keep your hooves on the ground and learn a bit of patience. You can climb that mountain next time.

Aquarius: You don’t need all of life’s answers, but you would appreciate a few. Here they are: left, Albuquerque, 42, and your high school locker combination.

Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, usually because someone just walked through it. Grab that doorknob and slide in before it slams shut. When in doubt, make friends with a janitor, because they have all the keys.

Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.

Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.

Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape.  Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.

Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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