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Aries: If you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. After the fourth try, however, you should kick back, have a beer and figure out why success eludes you like a greased pig before you wrestle with it once more.
Taurus: Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.
Gemini: There’s a better day coming to you, could be Tuesday or Wednesday. Set out the nice plates and glasses and get the best wine they offer at the local gas station. You want to make a good impression.
Cancer: Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a bit of booty left.
Leo: You’re feeling out of touch, like an 8-track tape in a podcast world. Relax, retro is in fashion and someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.
Virgo: You make a colossal screw-up at work, but the boss laughs instead of firing you. Buy your boss and the ferret a drink once everyone gets out of the supply closet alive, and swear off bubble wrap.
Libra: Life can try to box you in, but your rat is too freewheeling for a maze. Break out the tiny skateboard and let your inner furball fly.
Scorpio: Forget what they say; go ahead and let the turkeys get you down. They give a pretty good massage as long as you’re wearing a really thick shirt. Don’t ask for a happy ending, or you’ll really be hen-pecked.
Sagittarius: You’re hit in the head with a baseball on Friday and develop temporary psychic powers. You can’t predict lottery numbers but you have a nice side business finding people’s car keys for them.
Capricorn: Grab the shades and the sunscreen, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Just don’t wear that thong bathing suit, because no one wants to be blinded by your butt cheeks.
Aquarius: Feeling lost in the universe? No one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos of people falling off tables on YouTube. Watch those for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.
Pisces: What you want is just within reach, but you can’t stretch any farther or you’ll fall. Don’t despair, just buy one of those grabber claws and snatch victory from the snarky jaws of defeat.
Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.
Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.
Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.
Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.
Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.
Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.
Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.
Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.
Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.
Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.
Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.
Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.
Aries: You feel the need to cut loose, but nowhere to do it. Papa may have been a rolling stone, but Mama outlawed dancing, so you’ve got a lot of Footloose energy to spread all over town this weekend.
Taurus: Don’t just follow your dreams; this week, make the move and introduce yourself before your dreams think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order.
Gemini: An opportunity falls from the sky on Wednesday. Step aside, just in case it’s a meteorite. Pounce on it before it cools off, or someone else might nab your treasure.
Cancer: If life feels too rough, drink more coffee. It’s the one substance that can transform you from a grizzly bear to a Care Bear without any collateral damage.
Leo: The Universe has its own timetable. Standing on the tracks and demanding a train will just piss it off. If you think you can run faster than the Karma Express, go for it. Otherwise, wait for the best things to happen.
Virgo: Wearing a moss bikini doesn’t make you an oak tree, it just means you’ll be itchy in all the wrong places. Be yourself and the cuckoos will come home to roost.
Libra: In one hand, you have the facts, In the other, you have questions. In the third, you realize you need a lot more hands. Look into an octopus as a personal assistant. They’re pricey, but they’re worth it.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your enemies, but you don’t have to babysit for them and pick up the dry cleaning. Turn in your Frenemy of the Month certificate and concentrate on something pleasant, like cockatoos dancing to rock music or the way your heartburn lights up when you taste a fantastic pastrami sandwich.
Sagittarius: Life is full of choices. If you don’t like the card you have, pick another. It keeps things interesting and annoys the magician, which is always a plus.
Capricorn: Stand straight and walk tall, and eventually you’ll smack your head on a doorway. The best part of common sense is knowing when to duck things like low bridges, mad eagles or exes swinging lamps.
Aquarius: Destiny is like an airplane ticket: sometimes you get bumped, you wait or you end up somewhere else entirely looking for your luggage. Even if you do go where you want, a kid is likely to kick your seat the whole way there. Nothing is set in stone, except the food.
Pisces: You uplift others with your enthusiasm and positive attitude. You’re a portable happy place, like free wifi for the soul. The connection may be short, but the networking will boost your personal signal for years to come.
Flickr/Spencer Wright
Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.
Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are worse places to grab, and you’ll find out about those on Wednesday night. If you don’t like it, give ’em a karate chop on the snout.
Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.
Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.
Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so the E! Channel won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.
Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted a second longer than a bag of donuts at a parent/teacher conference meeting. That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable carrot sticks on the refreshment table.
Libra: You want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing your cat in a bustier: nothing is in the right place. Work on your motivation and give kitty the day off.
Scorpio: You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.
Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, unlike the box of wine you drain as soon as your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!
Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. Could be a new job, or could be in Vegas, singing Ed Sheeran songs and pulling singles out of your underwear.
Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.
Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.
Flickr/zeevveez
Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?
Taurus: On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop. This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.
Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two. Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. Make sure it’s iceberg, and not romaine.
Cancer: You’re so bored, you’re one step away from raiding the sock drawer to make puppets and recreate scenes with Rachel and Ross from “Friends.” Hey, it gives you something to do while you’re on a break.
Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a triple rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.
Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.
Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, your next door neighbor would likely pay $5 to see it.
Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll either witness an amazing joke or the start of a Twilight movie reboot. Could be some laughs either way.
Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.
Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper. If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.
Aquarius: Regarding that big question that’s been on your mind: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.
Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.
Aries: Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.
Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.
Gemini: If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.
Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting. Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.
Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.
Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.
Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.
Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.
Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.
Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.
Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.
Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.
Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.
Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.
Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen. After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.
Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.
Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.
Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.
Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.
Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.
Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.
Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock. If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.
Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.
Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.
Flickr/Remko van Dokkum
Aries: You may be a dollar short and a day late, but you’ll never get stuck at boring corporate dinners. You will, however, meet some really cool catering people who don’t care if you take all those uneaten, dry chicken breasts home.
Taurus: Tuesday won’t be a tornado of activity, but it will be a dust devil of small errands. Enjoy the leisurely pace, because kids’ extracurricular activities start soon. Don’t have kids and feeling left out? Enroll your cat in red dot laser tag.
Gemini: Better days may not be in reach, but you can get them anyway if you use a broom to knock them off the top shelf. Grab them and scurry away before karma announces a cleanup in aisle 4.
Cancer: You want to be the life of the party, but your small talk needs a few electric shocks to survive. Bring up that really embarrassing thing your friend did in eighth grade, and how you helped him duct tape the broken chandelier to a giant chicken statue. That’ll get the conversational ball rolling.
Leo: A whole new world has opened up to you. Don’t complain about it before you’ve ripped the shrink wrap off; give it a chance. It didn’t come with a receipt, so you can’t return it anyway.
Virgo: Don’t worry about your days being numbered. You should be more concerned about your nights being lettered, and who stuck those emojis all over your afternoons. Perhaps you need a less magnetic personality.
Libra: True, life isn’t fair. Sometimes it’s partly cloudy. Have an umbrella handy for sudden emotional downpours, and you can happily jump in a few puddles along the way.
Scorpio: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield. On Thursday, you’ll be the squeegee, cleaning up someone else’s mess. Don’t worry, it pays well.
Sagittarius: There’s a song in your heart, but no room in your pants. Either dig out the Buns of Steel DVD or go shopping because at this rate, you could bend over and hit a note that shatters glass.
Capricorn: Usually your thoughts are jewels to behold, but lately you’ve pawned them all in exchange for bad TV and generic cereal. Unplug from the crap or you’ll only be left with a few sugar-coated brain cells floating in the milk.
Aquarius: You’ll get something you need on Monday, but what about something you want? It can be yours if you’re willing to work for it. Lucky for you, your legs are stunning and you can still do the Macarena.
Pisces: You never had champagne wishes and caviar dreams, but you do have a few fantasies where all the bills are paid. Get dolled up for Friday, because that one could come true.
Aries: Every rose has its thorn, but that daffodil has a bee that will fly right up your nose. Wait a few days before you relax and sniff the flowers; otherwise, allergies will be the least of your concerns.
Taurus: It’s fine to be yourself. You do you. Just don’t also do her, her, him, and that leg-shaped lamp in the window. Let everyone make their own choices. Especially the lamp.
Gemini: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.
Cancer: You’re working hard to make those dreams a reality, but right now you only have an empty box of Christmas lights, a lost roller skate and a cracked vertebrae to show for it. Tie a pillow to your rear end and try that perfect landing one more time.
Leo: Clouds on the horizon don’t always mean a storm. Sometimes they float over and give you a bit of shade from the limelight. Use your break to stock up on sunscreen, and get ready for your next close-up.
Virgo: Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.
Libra: Tuesday’s pocket-dial is an accident, but the three that happen on Thursday are intentional. You may be single, but your jeans are in a relationship with a pair of Capri pants they met in a dirty laundry chatroom. Throw them in the washer, and lock your phone.
Scorpio: You can quietly assess your work situation or you can run away screaming. Grab some throat lozenges, because only the second option will keep your co-workers from chasing you down.
Sagittarius: If you can’t find fulfillment in your day, track down the janitor instead. They always have the best gossip, and they know the best places to take a nap during work hours.
Capricorn: Good things can come in small packages, but yours will show up bouncing around in huge Amazon boxes. That’s okay, because by the end of the week you’ll build one awesome cardboard fort in the garage.
Aquarius: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.
Pisces: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time. This week, don’t seek out the party; be the party.
Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner your sweetie refuses to give up. Could even be enough luck to get rid of that recliner, too.
Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.
Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bull puckey drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your crap detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.
Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive a few minutes of national TV time when someone discovers lost photos you forgot to pick up at Walgreen’s in 1998. Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird dude in Batman mask and underwear” last forever.
Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses. Your nose will appreciate the change in fragrant scenery, although your thumbs will hate you if you forget about the thorns.
Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.
Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop doing those nasty things to your boss’ coffee. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.
Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Build a bridge and get over it, and karma will let you cash in as toll-taker.
Sagittarius: You know your fears so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. You’ll have fewer snacks, but more peace of mind.
Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.
Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space while you’re pulling into it, all bets are off.
Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. Opportunity won’t care what you’re wearing when it knocks, as long as you’re decent enough to answer the door.
Wisecrack Zodiac: Your Snarky Guide to the Stars! 