You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘humor’ category.

Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Aries: You have a mind that just won’t quit, but it really needs to take a coffee break before it has a meltdown. Give your brain a day off before you end up heavily medicated and holding crayons with your toes.

Taurus: A day without you is like a day without sunshine. Let those around you have a nice, rainy afternoon watching Netflix and eating pizza. After all, they can’t miss you if you’re not gone, and they’ll unlock the garage door for you in the morning.

Gemini: Use your superpowers on Friday to get that big deal you want. What superpower? You know, the one no one ever sees because you don’t want to end up on the news. It’s okay, though, just this one time, because the reward is worth it.

Cancer: Some days you’re the flower, other days you’re the sneeze. Either way, some allergy meds will make Wednesday easier. Or you could just take Benadryl and skip from Tuesday to Friday.

Leo: Inner peace isn’t always about finding a mountaintop and gaining wisdom from a lofty guru. Sometimes it’s knowing you had the restraint to not smack the idiots around today. Good job.

Virgo: To thine own self be true, but feel free to dish out little white fibs to everyone else. Your weight, politics and secret love for the Backstreet Boys will remain your own.

Libra: People say you’re an open book but frankly, you’re not even a one-sided pamphlet. Get some hobbies and conversation skills before you turn into an episode of reality TV.

Scorpio: Someone is rattling your cage, but you know something they don’t; you have the key. Step outside with a smile, and watch them wet themselves before they head for the hills.

Sagittarius: The universe wants an explanation of what you did last Tuesday. This time, don’t blame the dog. Karma knows he can’t drive or throw turnips; and the traffic camera definitely caught your best side.

Capricorn: If your step feels lighter, it’s because Karma is trying to lift your heavy butt over the rough spots. Help it out with some muscle power, instead of dragging your feet and complaining.

Aquarius: Watch out on Saturday. A bad-tempered ferret is coming to town, and it knows what you look like. Stock up on good whiskey and prepare your best distracting small talk.

Pisces: Opportunities fly at you fast, but don’t duck and run away. Grab a helmet and start whacking those suckers out of the park. You could score a pocketful of home runs before the day is done.

Aries: The path not taken is calling to you, but you shouldn’t listen to things when you can’t see where they keep their brains. That goes for unruly trails, old diaries and the odd boss now and again.

Taurus: Take a deep breath. Now another. Like that? Quit messing around with something you shouldn’t. Whether it’s a locked safe or an innocent-looking hottie, you could speed past the planet of pleasure and end up in a world of hurt.

Gemini: Shhh! The walls have ears. And a few buck teeth. Don’t discuss secrets while you’re hanging out in the mad scientist’s castle, go down to the nearest Starbucks instead. All you have to fear there are overwrought hipsters and unicorn coffees.

Cancer: It’s always darkest just before dawn. That’s because Dawn carries three high-beam LED flashlights, a portable spotlight and a sunny disposition. Whatever funk you’re in, she can see the way out.

Leo: It’s easy to get wrapped up in a line of thinking, but occasionally your brain needs a breeze. Loosen those mummy bandages and air out your gray matter; you might spot a better, less tangled method to your madness.

Virgo: Reconsider that thing you’re planning on Thursday. The thing on Friday is fine, though. And the thing on Saturday isn’t completely horrible. If you can’t keep your things straight, it’s time for a new calendar or better underwear.

Libra: Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Also, someone stuck a giant bow on Monday. It’s probably socks. Hey, no one ever said the present was a good gift.

Scorpio: Your co-workers rally around you this week. Either they think you’re about to be promoted, or you’ll be fired in a glorious drama-fest that involves dancing on the boss’ desk. If you can’t keep your cool, pass out the popcorn early.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be beautiful to get ahead in this world, but it does distract the idiots so you can get things done. If you can’t look better, tape a photo of Ryan Reynolds to your back so everyone has something to stare at while you work.

Capricorn: Find your happy place, and you’ll be okay by yourself. Do it right, and you won’t even need accessories or the batteries than run them. You’ll glow on your own.

Aquarius: A helping hand is always appreciated, until it tries to grab you where it shouldn’t. Bend a few of those fingers back and they’ll learn to not touch your shoulder tattoo of Spongebob riding a taco in a thunderstorm.

Pisces: The world changes, and it’s hard for you to keep up. Helpful hint: tube tops and hammer pants should only be worn to Walmart, the DMV or around the house. Change into your best latex jumpsuit for PTA meetings.

 

Aries: No one likes a spoilsport, although they do like sporty spoilers. If you have a time machine and know who will win the next Super Bowl, you could make a lot of friends.

Taurus: If you keep spinning your wheels, you’ll wear out your bearings. Get someone to pull you out of that rut before you sink any lower into the mire.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve won the door prize to the Universe’s Tupperware party! It’s a sandwich crisper that also locks your troubles away so you can deal with them another day. Also works on carrots.

Cancer: Have a song in your heart and you’ll really mess up your next EKG at the cardiologist’s. Bet they’ve never seen Death Metal Bagpipe music in graph form before.

Leo: The world showers you with blessings this week, so quit complaining that you need a towel. Grab some fruity body wash and enjoy the downpour while it lasts. Remember to sprinkle some good fortune behind those ears, too.

Virgo: Someone knows your biggest secret. You could try to set them up with a goat wrangler in black latex and boots, or just wave it off and go on with your life. Your secrets are boring, anyway.

Libra: You will jump for joy on Tuesday. The rest of the days you’ll jump because that giant spider in the bathroom finally hatched her babies. Yay for cardio workouts!

Scorpio: Dreams can soar like an eagle, but watch them; they can also get away from you, like a mylar balloon heading for the power line. If you can’t catch it, at least you’ll have some sparks in your life. And a massive power outage.

Sagittarius: All your opinions are vindicated when someone finally clicks “Like” on that bizarre Facebook meme you posted. Your work here is done, so sign out and see what’s changed outdoors since 2008.

Capricorn: Wednesday may be tough, so stock up on pizza, whiskey and chocolate. Whatever happens, you won’t care by 11 a.m. By 2 p.m., you’ll be sharing inappropriate photos with your old English teacher.

Aquarius: Know what you want in life and go after it, whether you’re zooming like a My Little Pony Ferrari or put-putting down the trail on a moped. It will wait for you, mainly to laugh and point.

Pisces: You’ve never been keen on the ‘fame’ part, but the ‘fortune’ sounds nice. Thanks to your latest project, you’ll slice off a bit of both, plus some cheese, with that sharp wit. Stock up on crackers and wine.

Aries: Forget about a bucket list; try a thimble list, because you’re not going anywhere and you have some mending to do. This time, don’t sew your mother-in-law to the station wagon.

Taurus: The night is silent, but your brain won’t shut up. Tell it to start its own journal or YouTube channel, as long as it lets you sleep. You’ll probably wake up during the Blush Comparison Make-Up Tutorial video, though.

Gemini: Usually the universe is stingy around you, but on Friday it throws you its wallet and says “Have a blast.” While you’re tempted to blow it all on candy unicorns and good wine, save a little for necessities, like spandex and cheese curls.

Cancer: If you bring a knife to a gunfight, it’s because you plan to stay out of the line of fire and keep score on a nearby picnic table. Use your best penmanship, or you’ll get pelted by paintballs too.

Leo: Sometimes life can feel like a big scene from a movie everyone has seen, except for you. It never hurts to pause the action and grab a script; you don’t want to end up on Karma’s blooper reel.

Virgo: You have all the moves but none of the jazz. Take some rhythm lessons before you break out that next routine. Otherwise, someone might mistakenly rush you to a priest to be exorcised.

Libra: People say “sorry” is the hardest word, but it’s not. It’s impossible to say the word “judicially” without sounding drunk, which is why you use it in every conversation to cover up your five-martini lunches.

Scorpio: Superheroes get sidekicks; sidekicks get hilarious mascots; and mascots get you. No need to vent over it, at least you’re in the comic book, and you get to ask why the Hulk always keeps his pants.

Sagittarius: You’re a tough nut to crack, but someone brought an emotional hammer. Let out those feelings, because they’re so tasty when mixed with chocolate.

Capricorn: Your path would be brighter and easier to walk if you occasionally take your head out of your own butt. Your pants would fit better, and you’d get more compliments, too.

Aquarius: Some days you’re a rich, dark roast perfectly brewed, and other days you’re just vaguely brown and tasteless water. The days you really have to worry, though, are when the coffeemaker reaches sentience and begins its world domination plans through Skynet; that’s the day to go out for coffee.

Pisces: Your problems are like candy bars: break them down into pieces and devour them until they’re gone. Hopefully, there’s some coconut, peanut butter or caramel in there, too, because conquering your fears should come in a delightful array of flavors.

Aries: You have style, you have charm, but do you have insurance for all those hearts you’re breaking? Enjoy the attention, but watch out for jilted lovers and less-than-vigilant laws on taser-equipped crossbows.

Taurus: An idea is waiting for you like a prize Easter egg out in the open; scoop that bad boy up before anyone else notices it’s filled with chocolate, money and naughty photos. Forget the goose who laid it, hook up with one big bunny to keep those treasures coming.

Gemini: Your temper flares on Thursday, probably because someone ahead of you bought the last bear claw at the bakery or spilled coffee on your crotch. Let it go and save up your righteous anger for people who cut you off in traffic.

Cancer: Set aside that baseball bat, because Saturday requires finesse instead of force. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.

Leo: You stumble across a treasure this week. Know in advance if you will return it or keep it, because the moment of truth requires a split-second decision. You’ll either get a parade or a purse-whacking from an angry old lady.

Virgo: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.

Libra: You’re on the right path, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and hungry ferrets with a taste for toes. Step up that research for a jet pack, because those flip flops aren’t going to work.

Scorpio: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.

Sagittarius: A better day is heading your way. Set out the cookies and punch, and maybe spray some Febreeze around the living room, just to make it feel welcome.

Capricorn:  Is there caffeine in the water supply? No, it’s just you having a good hair day and those Buns of Steel DVDs are paying off. You make everyone’s heart beat a little faster on Friday.

Aquarius: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.

Pisces:  Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.

Aries:  Your rant may be a drop in the ocean, but it’s the drop that sinks the Titanic. Rein in your anger, before someone freezes you out on an iceberg.

Taurus: Don’t do the thing on Friday. Just don’t. You’re already getting on Karma’s nerves, there’s no need to make her turn this life around and slap you.

Gemini: The only way you’ll appreciate when life is good is to experience life’s suckage occasionally. Keep paddling, and keep that stiff upper lip, it makes an excellent floatation device.

Cancer: Too many cooks spoil the meal, but it doesn’t matter if you have burritos in the freezer. Feel free to microwave your dinner, just don’t stand in front of it and recite your Snapchat password while it’s cooking.

Leo: Bright skies are coming, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. When good fortune arrives, should you invite it in? Make it a drink? Rub its feet? Relax and just take it as it comes.

Virgo: It’s fine to be true to yourself, but don’t keep people guessing for too long or they’ll turn you upside down and shake you like a Magic 8-Ball for some answers.

Libra: You don’t know all the answers, which is good, because you would blab them out at inconvenient moments. There’s a difference between being a wise guru and getting kicked out of weddings for spilling the bridal secrets.

Scorpio:  An idea comes to you at 2 a.m. Sunday. Write it down, because it will save your bacon during the staff meeting on Wednesday. Keep a pen handy, because no one wants to lose bacon.

Sagittarius: You will meet a man. He will do strange things to your body and mind, and then make you leave. Don’t get his number, just be glad you got through the TSA and onto your flight in time.

Capricorn: Take a breath. And another. There! See, this living thing isn’t so hard. Now, step away from the jumper cables and strawberry jam, and promise the universe you’ll quit the kinky stuff in the bedroom, at least until you hook up with an EMT.

Aquarius: Life isn’t a giant leap forward into goodness, but this week you do toddle a few baby steps away from being broke, sad and slightly crazed. Keep going, because a few face plants will be worth it.

Pisces: You think you’re reaching for the stars, but you’re not even halfway up the tree yet. Shake the oak bark out of your pants leg and keep climbing. You’ll soon have a clear view.

Aries: No need to worry when you come to a fork in the road on Wednesday. You can go either way, and leave the fork there. Pizza and Twinkies should be eaten with your hands, like a savage. Grunt a few times to scare off anyone wanting a bite.

Taurus: To make a correct choice this week, you’ll need more than a coin to flip. Try some Dungeons & Dragons dice; while you’re there, might as well join the guys on a basement quest. You could use the company.

Gemini: No one said that the luck of the Irish was a good thing; improve your odds of good fortune by following a few Canadians around. They seem to be quite lucky.

Cancer: Go ahead, let a smile be your umbrella. After that, a frown can be your bookshelf, a smirk can be your window treatment, and your normal scowl can be the walking stick you use to beat your enemies into submission.

Leo: They say love is a many-splendored thing, but honestly, how many splendors do you need? Go for a two-splendor model, and you’ve save a lot on jewelry and flowers.

Virgo: On Friday, you’ll need a stapler, two bananas and an 8-pack of C batteries. No one said your hobbies had to be dull, but they could give the neighbors some serious eyerolling shudders.

Libra: You don’t need to be the big dog in the yard, slobbering and barking at every shadow crossing your path. It’s better to be the pampered Corgi in the house. Fewer fights with squirrel gangs, and you get your own pillow.

Scorpio: You can lead, you can follow, or you can just wander around the universe looking for loose change. Checking couch cushions and dirty laundry isn’t big money, but it is far less stressful than your current job.

Sagittarius: You can find the beauty in every day, or you can watch for the bizarre and funny stuff. Laughing at idiots is one of the few perks in life, and it keeps you from licking the wallpaper.

Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re making an impression, and it’s not from all those butt selfies you made on the photocopier. Straighten your tie and comb the ramen out of your hair, because you actually have a chance at success this week.

Aquarius: Not every problem needs a complicated solution. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to figure Thursday out, although you could amuse yourself by talking in his robotic voice all day.

Pisces: Easy fixes don’t last; the duct tape gets wet, the Band-Aid falls off and the ferret refuses to do your taxes anymore. Step out of your comfort zone before it falls apart.

Aries: You finally catch a break! Make sure it’s not so small you have to throw it back or risk getting fined. If it measures up, go ahead and invite the park rangers to the party.

Taurus: You’re laying on the fertilizer, but nothing is coming up roses yet. Lay off the crap long enough to plant some seeds, and then water well with the tears of your enemies. Specifically, Fran who works in HR.

Gemini: Some are born to run, but you were born to skip, crabwalk and occasionally lose a shoe. Hop over that finish line without getting your good socks dirty, and you’ll impress them all.

Cancer: Find your happy place, but be prepared to kick out some squatters and hire a cleaning crew. Maybe you should redecorate too. That 1970s paneling has to go.

Leo: Lean over. A little more. To the left now. There, now the world has slid off your shoulders. Go get a massage to soothe out the kinks, because that worked to death look is so last year.

Virgo: For everyone else, life is a roller coaster, filled with highs, lows and screaming children. For you, life is like riding the teacups. Boring with an occasional bump. Find the exit and get in line for the real thing.

Libra: There’s nothing you can’t accomplish with an amazing attitude, a warehouse of chocolate, and a hard drive of compromising photos. It helps if the photos are of someone else. Go after that promotion!

Scorpio: Each day you take a step toward greatness, but now you need to work on doing it in a straight line. You and success have been playing a dry land version of “Marco Polo” for far too long.

Sagittarius: A dog is man’s best friend, because it can’t spill your secrets. Your canine companion can, however, learn to text and use the camera app, so make sure you buy the good treats from now on.

Capricorn:You may be on Cloud 9 now, but there’s no escalator to Cloud 10 and you can’t connect to Uber. Hang out for a while; enjoy your lofty perch and later rate it on Airbnb.

Aquarius: A blast from the past lifts your spirits and your skirt. They may make you feel sixteen again, but they aren’t in a time machine. You still have to take your meds and be in bed by 10.

Pisces: If you stay curled in a ball long enough, someone’s going to grab you and toss you in the air for a few points. Uncurl and claim your space, but do it when they don’t expect it so the scream echoes for miles.

Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.

Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.

Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.

Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.

Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.

Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.

Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.

Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.

Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.

Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.

Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.

Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.

Connect on Twitter:

counter for wordpress