Your forecast for the week of Dec. 31

Flickr/Spencer Wright

Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are worse places to grab, and you’ll find out about those on Wednesday night. If you don’t like it, give ’em a karate chop on the snout.

Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.

Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so the E! Channel won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.

Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted a second longer than a bag of donuts at a parent/teacher conference meeting.  That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable carrot sticks on the refreshment table.

Libra: You want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing your cat in a bustier: nothing is in the right place. Work on your motivation and give kitty the day off.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.

Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, unlike the box of wine you drain as soon as your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!

Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. Could be a new job, or could be in Vegas, singing Ed Sheeran songs and pulling singles out of your underwear.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.

Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.

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Your forecast for the week of Dec. 18

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2019 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweatpants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 26

Flickr/zeevveez

Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?

Taurus:  On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop.  This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.

Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two.  Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. Make sure it’s iceberg, and not romaine.

Cancer: You’re so bored, you’re one step away from raiding the sock drawer to make puppets and recreate scenes with Rachel and Ross from “Friends.” Hey, it gives you something to do while you’re on a break.

Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a triple rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.

Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.

Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, your next door neighbor would likely pay $5 to see it.

Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll either witness an amazing joke or the start of a Twilight movie reboot. Could be some laughs either way.

Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.

Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Aquarius: Regarding that big question that’s been on your mind: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.

Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.

Your forecast for the week of Nov. 12

Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have better things on your hands than a recently deceased rodent.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those ferret rodeo videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 29

Aries: You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks. Skip the texts and pass a few notes between the halves of your brain. Between them you can figure out what to do next.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: Ain’t no party like a Gemini party because a Gemini party don’t stop until someone brings out your drama queen.  After the room is empty and the dog is rolling in the bean dip, take a breath and get out those apology cards.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

Libra: Quit trying to make that one relationship happen; it’s a balloon that just won’t fly. Even if it did, it would probably slap into a transformer and blow out everyone’s electricity for five blocks. You’re better off without it.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke. Use those powers for good on Thursday, and you’ll be headed for reality TV in no time.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: You’ve been revving your engine for long enough; time to peel out and lay some rubber toward your goals. If nothing else, your neighbors will appreciate the quiet.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 22

Aries: Get over yourself. If the sun truly shines out of your rear, you would be blasting through a lot more furniture.  Keep your pants on and let the Universe take the credit for an occasional good day.

Taurus: Sure, you can have it all, but where would you keep it? Clean out your closet before setting those goals; the whole enchilada takes up a lot of room, and it doesn’t share well with your massive People magazine collection.

Gemini: You are ready to tackle life and wrestle it to the ground, but you weren’t counting on life wearing shoulder pads. Some days all you can do is hang on to life around the ankles and let it drag you around for a while.

Cancer: Some days you’re mooning the world, other days you’re the window. Wipe the butt prints off your head and be glad you’re not the one with the huge crack.

Leo: Feel free to dress for success, as long as you’re not shopping in the Emperor’s New Closet for an outfit. Sometimes clothes don’t make the man, they just make everyone else’s day. Plus, sunscreen can sting those sensitive spots.

Virgo: You can’t really know the future by texting it and being Facebook friends with it. You have to meet it face to face and realize the future is a special kind of crazy. Be glad it turns into your past on Friday.

Libra: Thursday will be the kind of day you want to rub up against while wearing velour, just so you can see the sparks fly. Tighten those bolts on your neck, because you could lose your head over Thursday.

Scorpio: Your social life has been so dreadful, even your bunny slippers don’t want to have anything to do with you. Wiggle into those leather pants, slip into those thigh-high boots and make an impact during lunch on Friday. If nothing else, your other problems will fade away when you forget the talcum powder.

Sagittarius: Who can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew? Anyone who has a toddler looking for a bathroom. Life can’t be all beer and Skittles; sometimes it’s milk and Cheerios. That’s okay, beer and skittles is how you got here, right?

Capricorn: You didn’t cause the 15-car pile-up known as your life, but you didn’t help matters by mistaking the radio button for the windshield wipers. Get off the curb and pay attention before someone has to pull a bumper out of your third chakra.

Aquarius: Your happy place may have surround sound and leather recliners, but it doesn’t have space to change your life. Pack a backpack and get out of your comfort zone so you can make a difference.

Pisces: No one knows what they’re truly capable of until they try to read a book while someone kicks the back of their seat for four hours. If you make it through Friday without giving someone their own foot as an enema, kudos to you.

Your forecast for the week of Oct. 1

Aries: A straight line is the quickest route between two points, but you’ve never been the logical one. Go ahead and take that Crazy Straw path to your destination. If nothing else, you could be hired by Google Maps.

Taurus: A question of the ages looms before you. Weigh your options carefully, then decide between the pumpkin spice bagel or the cream-filled pastry. This will be the most important decision you make before lunch.

Gemini: Someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, but they don’t know you’re basically a haunted house. Flap your shutters at them a few times and rattle some chains. They’ll take the hint.

Cancer: If you knew then what you know now, you would have been so obnoxious then that you wouldn’t have learned anything to know what you know now. Ignorance can be bliss, especially for other people.

Leo: There’s a light in your eyes, but this time it’s not from sticking a fork into a toaster. You’ve been struck with actual inspiration, so wipe the soot off your head and make a plan. It’s just crazy enough to work.

Virgo: You’ve been singing the song of your people to everyone at work. Unfortunately, that ditty includes a great deal of whining, moaning and basic bellyaching. Try a new tune before someone manually resets your mental playlist.

Libra: You’re feeling sexier than a deserted room filled with fresh donuts and free wi-fi. Rub a little frosting behind your ear and tell your sweetie to be ready for some high-speed fun. After that, you can buffer together.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you forget all the words to your personal soundtrack. Make some up, or just hum a few bars until it all comes back. Don’t be surprised, though, if everyone prefers your on-the-spot remix.

Sagittarius: You may feel like you’re sinking, but look closer: you have at least a half dozen of those floaty life rings wedged around your middle. Quit exhausting yourself fighting the current and tell your crew onshore to reel you in.

Capricorn: Sure, love is the answer, especially if the question is “What can kick you in the balls and make you feel happy about it?” If you’re not ready for that kind of love, wear a cup on Thursday.

Aquarius: You can reach for the stars all you want, but you won’t get far unless you build the rocket ship to get you there. Dreams that come true are usually backed up with skills and experience, so get cracking.

Pisces: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, pick a tall one and build a nice treehouse instead. Who needs the whole forest when you’ve got your own mighty oak equipped with cable TV and a recliner?

Your forecast for the week of Sept. 24

Aries: Don’t fret about your last hurrah. You still have a whole box of “Woo Hoo!” to use up, plus a truckload of “Oh crap.” Work through those first.

Taurus: Things may seem tough now, but be assured; if you don’t work through this they can definitely get tougher. Even one baby step at a time is considered progress.

Gemini: You know the score, mainly because you’re the one who rigged the game. Sometimes corking your own bat doesn’t work, but this time your strategy nails you a home run. No matter how fast you run the bases, your guilty conscience will be waiting for you at home plate.

Cancer: Lucky breaks are usually hard to come by, but you stumble into a nest of them this week. A few may even follow you home, so set out some snacks. They could fatten into ripe opportunities.

Leo: Easy Street is just marketing; there are still potholes, but they’re advertised as built-in pools. Every road has its hazards, but you’re about to get a much smoother drive.

Virgo: There’s nothing more beautiful than a well thought out plan, but a half-baked bad one is way more fun to watch. Get your popcorn, because someone in your family is about to put on a show. Also, keep some Band-Aids and bail money on hand, just in case.

Libra: Everyone warns you about flying too close to the sun, but no one worries about you digging to the center of the earth. Before you start throwing dirt around, make sure you have a plan in place to deal with radioactive mole men.

Scorpio: You have a grand idea, but someone will try to bust it down to just a wild hunch. Ignore them or you’ll soon shelve it with all the other unrealized inklings and never achieve anything at all.

Sagittarius: In every life some rain must fall, but you’ve been holding on like Jack from “Titanic.” You don’t have to sink, just whip out your phone and order up a jet ski from Amazon. Rescue yourself and you’ll leave that wreck far behind.

Capricorn: You’re the cream in someone’s coffee, the jam on their bread. This means you’re very sweet, and people can only handle you in small doses. Give them some space and add a little tartness to your repertoire; it will make you even more tempting.

Aquarius: Your confidence is hidden like a needle in a haystack. Get some big magnets and drag it out.  You shouldn’t be sewing atop hay bales anyway, unless you’re into extreme embroidery.

Pisces: The answers are blowing in the wind, and a few will hit you in the face like airborne plastic grocery bags. Just be grateful they’re filled with good things instead of used tissues or cat poop.

Your forecast for the week of Sept. 10

Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket.

Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That’s just the universe’s way of saying “Thank you for playing” and giving you a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize.

Gemini: If life is a roller coaster, you’re inching up to the top. This fun has been a long time coming, so hold those arms up and get ready to scream.

Cancer: Don’t do anything drastic at 2 p.m. on Monday. That’s when your guardian angel sees his therapist, and he really needs the whole hour, especially after that llama mishap.

Leo: Life can be beautiful, especially if you make it wear the blonde wig and tell it to go easy on the makeup. Take your existence out for a hot date and show it a good time. You won’t regret it.

Virgo: If someone can read you like a book, it’s only because you’re in large print. Play hardcover-to-get and change up your font. Everyone loves a mystery.

Libra: It doesn’t take much to make you happy on Saturday. That’s good, because not much is all you’re going to get. Keep loving the little things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

Scorpio: Sometimes you run as fast as you can, but it still feels like life is passing you by. Don’t worry, the next ice cream truck will be playing your song. Throw a few nails out in front of it and you’ll finally catch your reward.

Sagittarius: Forget about stacking the deck in this new relationship; your sweetie is pretty stacked already. If you add anything more, they’re likely to fall over, especially in those shoes. Just smile and enjoy.

Capricorn: You don’t want answers, you just enjoy sneaking up on the questions and wrestling them down like surprised alligators. Watch out for the death roll of moronic theories, and work those opinions until they tire out.

Aquarius: Just when you’re getting a handle on a situation, the bottom of the box gets wet and everything hits the pavement. Nothing’s broken, so just brush the dirt off that cupcake and give it to the boss.

Pisces: You’ve been like a set of Russian nesting dolls, pulling your world tighter and tighter around yourself until you have a wedgie of the soul, which is one of the worst wedgies to have. Break open the mold and go party with some new friends, like those trampy Barbie knockoffs across the aisle.

Your forecast for the week of August 27

Flickr/Remko van Dokkum

Aries: You may be a dollar short and a day late, but you’ll never get stuck at boring corporate dinners. You will, however, meet some really cool catering people who don’t care if you take all those uneaten, dry chicken breasts home.

Taurus: Tuesday won’t be a tornado of activity, but it will be a dust devil of small errands. Enjoy the leisurely pace, because kids’ extracurricular activities start soon. Don’t have kids and feeling left out? Enroll your cat in red dot laser tag.

Gemini: Better days may not be in reach, but you can get them anyway if you use a broom to knock them off the top shelf. Grab them and scurry away before karma announces a cleanup in aisle 4.

Cancer: You want to be the life of the party, but your small talk needs a few electric shocks to survive. Bring up that really embarrassing thing your friend did in eighth grade, and how you helped him duct tape the broken chandelier to a giant chicken statue. That’ll get the conversational ball rolling.

Leo: A whole new world has opened up to you. Don’t complain about it before you’ve ripped the shrink wrap off; give it a chance. It didn’t come with a receipt, so you can’t return it anyway.

Virgo: Don’t worry about your days being numbered. You should be more concerned about your nights being lettered, and who stuck those emojis all over your afternoons. Perhaps you need a less magnetic personality.

Libra: True, life isn’t fair. Sometimes it’s partly cloudy. Have an umbrella handy for sudden emotional downpours, and you can happily jump in a few puddles along the way.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield. On Thursday, you’ll be the squeegee, cleaning up someone else’s mess. Don’t worry, it pays well.

Sagittarius: There’s a song in your heart, but no room in your pants. Either dig out the Buns of Steel DVD or go shopping because at this rate, you could bend over and hit a note that shatters glass.

Capricorn: Usually your thoughts are jewels to behold, but lately you’ve pawned them all in exchange for bad TV and generic cereal. Unplug from the crap or you’ll only be left with a few sugar-coated brain cells floating in the milk.

Aquarius: You’ll get something you need on Monday, but what about something you want? It can be yours if you’re willing to work for it. Lucky for you, your legs are stunning and you can still do the Macarena.

Pisces: You never had champagne wishes and caviar dreams, but you do have a few fantasies where all the bills are paid. Get dolled up for Friday, because that one could come true.