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Aries: Leave no stone unturned, and all you’ll have are pissed-off worms. Set your sights higher, because very few wild geese travel by bus.

Taurus: The new year is filled with ups and downs, but you have a saddle and you’re ready to ride, thanks to that copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ under your Christmas tree. Yee-hah!

Gemini: Something isn’t going your way, but don’t let the turkeys get you down, especially since they have mean roundhouse kicks and a vicious upper cut. Whip out your ninja fighting skills and you’ll have turkey sandwiches for weeks.

Cancer: Chin up, Tuesday will be a brighter day, thanks to that new 12-pack of light bulbs you just bought. Gather all your lamps in one room and pretend you’re sunning on the beach.  You’ll be nice and relaxed until the electric bill comes in.

Leo: The old saying is “Stop and smell the roses,” not “mow them down with a weedwhacker.” Get more rest, less caffeine, and avoid flower shops for a while. Or at least that one.

Virgo: Not every answer is blowing in the wind. Some are tied up in tree branches, and a few never even left the house. Go back in, make some hot chocolate and put your feet up. Answers tend to skitter out when you least expect it.

Libra: No personal problem is so great that it can’t be lightened by laughing at someone else. Chances are you know a few idiots, but if you don’t, there’s always Lindsay Lohan or Justin Bieber.

Scorpio: Your issue at work will be solved when someone finally figures out where the boss hid that USB drive. Problem is, no one wants to go in and get it. If you have latex gloves and a desire for promotion, this could be your chance.

Sagittarius: Sometimes the world doesn’t make any sense; that’s why the Universe gave us humor and beer. Toast the unknown and realize your memories are all written on the backs of smudged napkins and stapled to the stars above.

 Capricorn: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. At least your new track suit resists gravy stains.

Aquarius: In truth there is beauty, but that little white lie looks pretty good when it shakes its booty at you. Keep yourself zipped up, because tomorrow morning that cute fib will be a hairy, hungover monster.

Pisces: Multi-tasking? Please. Just tasking itself doesn’t come easy to you. Still, haul yourself up and bake a few pies. If you have a finger in all of them, the sugar rush will keep up your momentum.

 

Aries: Life can’t be defined by the bright shining moments. The times when you stub your toe in the dark and hop around on one foot until you find the spilled Legos, that’s when you learn something. Get ready for some knowledge on Thursday.

Taurus: What needs to be done and what you can get away with are two separate levels, but on Wednesday you’ll have to suck it up and do your job. Don’t worry, Bravo TV will still be there when you’re done.

Gemini: You’ve always done well on the kicking butt section, but you’re a little iffy on the taking names portion. Either get an assistant or quit sending personalized get-well cards afterward.

Cancer: Lately you’ve treated your sex appeal like a quart of Ben & Jerry’s left in the closet: it’s a great thing gone to waste, and now the carpet is kinda sticky. Steam-vac yourself and work that mojo. Someone’s got a spoon and is ready to scoop you up.

Leo: If you can’t be the best this week, strive to be the weird kid in the corner. Sometimes just being remembered is enough to make you noteworthy, just don’t over-do the body piercings, or you’ll whistle in the wind.

Virgo: Not everything is about you, but you’re starting to think perhaps it should be. Step back for a moment before you go full-on diva, because maintaining that drama queen status requires focus, commitment and no weekends off.

Libra: It may take a grizzled prospector and two pick-axes to bring out the best in you, but there is a heart of gold in there. Once you find it, try not to pawn it for jewelry or a new X-box.

Scorpio: You’re about to receive a lot of compliments and kudos for your hard work. Take them in stride, otherwise your ego will inflate so fast, it could be used as a annoying balloon outside a car dealership.

Sagittarius: You will receive a surprise in the mail on Friday. Stay calm, you probably aren’t a winner, but at least you can get a good discount on some naughty magazines.

Capricorn: Relax. There’s nothing wrong with you that a day off, a raise, and a complete personality makeover can’t fix. Until that happens, go ahead and wear your tin foil hat just so people are properly warned.

Aquarius: You’ve been going to your happy place so much, you have a permanent seat on the bus. Stop the commute and live in this reality for a while; you can trade in those frequent traveler miles for a new outlook.

Pisces: Drawing fine lines between emotions isn’t for you; your lines look like they were drawn by a chicken on crack. Quit allowing yourself to be defined by someone else’s brush and paint your own bizarre pictures.

 

Aries: You want to overindulge in wine, women and song, but let’s be honest: you can only handle one of those in large quantities. Grab just one beer, a single squeeze and fire up the iTunes; otherwise, you’ll end up doing DNA tests on Jerry Springer.

Taurus: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, but those who remember history can be real nags about it. Either way, you’re gonna hear about it, so do what you want this week; just don’t be an ass.

Gemini: Everyone else is searching the skies for a majestic bald eagle, but you’re just hoping for a penguin of giddiness. Get ready to giggle, because it’s waddling your way with some amazing news. Keep a fish by the door so you can tip properly.

Cancer: The hermit instinct is strong right now. When you shell up, pull in a hottie with a tub of butter, and you can play crab pattycake to while away the hours.

Leo: Gasp! Are you actually tired of the spotlight? Thank goodness there’s a dressing room with a big star on it just offstage. Retreat there for a few days and receive your kudos. By the time you’re rested, you’ll have a fresh audience with cellphone cameras waiting for you to screw up.

Virgo: There’s a place for everything, but if you keep tacking the kids to the wall with Velcro so the house will stay tidy, someone will eventually tattle. Send them outside to play, and you can slap ‘em up on the wall for special occasions.

Libra: Your week will be more painful than getting an I.R.S. audit from Gilbert Gottfried. Toughen up by watching a ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon, and you’ll be able to handle anything.

Scorpio: When you find a lucky rabbit’s foot, check it out thoroughly before petting it and sticking it in your pocket. If it’s still attached to a Playboy bunny who knows karate, you may get a roundhouse kick instead of good fortune.

Sagittarius: You’ve been crankier than a vampire with a toothache, but Tuesday will yank that pointy pain right out with a special delivery of laughing gas. Yuk it up, and quit biting everyone’s heads off.

Capricorn: Ram that brick wall all you want; you’re just going to end up with rubble. Once you clear the dust from your eyes, focus on the elevator. It’s easier to move up in the world when you’re not covered in debris.

Aquarius: Not only are you burning the candle at both ends, someone’s taken a crème brulee torch to your middle, too. With all that hot wax, you have two options: get kinky with someone, or cool off and stick with tealights for a while.

Pisces: If people tell you that you’re full of hot air, shrug it off. You may not have the gift of gab, but a mile-high future awaits you in the balloon travel industry.

In this corner…..Taurus! In the other corner….Gemini! Let’s have a good, clean relationship, with no blocking, no eye-gouging, and no hitting below the belt.

While most horoscope-watchers think Bulls and Twins should only be mixed on sports teams, Taurus and Gemini have a lot to offer each other. A Gemini mate can change faster than Mr. Potato Head, while Taurus is the perfect couch potato. These spuds complement each other well, especially when there’s cheese or oil involved. While a Bull Spud may be hard to dig out of the ground, the spinning personality traits of Gemini can have a garden-weasel effect, tilling—and titillating—a Taurus until he or she responds. In return, a Taurus mate can root out the Twins’ need for affection, and provide a slow bake on some hot coals, maybe wrapped in tinfoil if it’s Kink Night.

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Think the stars forgot about you? Nonsense, you’re their favorite second-cousin-twice-removed. Just had to put the universe on Muzak for a couple of weeks to tend to some family business. But hey, karma knows your name, and she’s a wicked drunk dialer, so the weekly horoscopes are back to haunt your days. Read the post below for your warped week ahead while we try to get an unlisted cosmic number before karma falls off her celestial 12-step program again.

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