A news story making the rounds has astrology fans in an uproar. Is the Earth in a different spot than when the zodiac was first mapped out? Are you really a Capricorn? How will this affect your chances at the lottery/hot date/good parking space?

I defer to the words of a man who knew just as much about the stars as I do: Douglas Adams.

“Don’t panic.”

Our 12-sign zodiac system is based on a far more complicated structure than just the position of the stars.  Astrologers take into account your birthday, what color underwear you prefer, how many reruns of “I Love Lucy” have hit Alpha Centauri and the number of books Snooki has sold in order to come up with your particular zodiac sign. If you were born on the cusp, further events are factored in, such as how many Senators are wearing fishnet stockings this minute, who will win “American Idol,” and the nearest strip joint where Waldo was last seen.

But if you’re unhappy with your current astrological sign, see this as an opportunity to take another sign for a test drive with zero down and free financing from karma. Grab Aquarius and head out to the country, see how it feels. Or latch onto that old-yet-new-again 13th Babylonian sign and go off-roading. There’s a little of every sign in you, and a bit of you among the stars. Which can be messy, so don’t forget your towel.

(Still worried? Visit this excellent post from Llewellyn Books.)

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