Aries: Want to put the spark back in your marriage? It’ll take more than jumper cables and nipple rings to electrify your relationship. Try something even more painful, like talking to each other.

Taurus: You’re doing some great work, so stand up and take a bow. If you hide your light under a bushel, you’ll just start a barn fire.  It still gets you attention, but the horses will give you dirty looks.

Gemini: There are stars in your eyes on Wednesday. Either your 15 minutes of fame arrives or you really need to put some stickers on that plate glass door.

Cancer:  Someone knows what you did New Year’s Eve and once they squawk about it, your reputation will drop faster than a blackbird in Beebe. Fess up now and you’ll ruffle fewer feathers.

Leo: There are days when your fabulousness stuns even yourself. Those days are Tuesday, Thursday and part of Friday. Avoid intersections so you don’t outshine the traffic lights.

Virgo: Some people say ignorance is bliss. These people have never tasted chocolate. Share that leftover Christmas candy with a few needy souls and show them the rich, melty way.

Libra: You will have a moment of insight on Thursday, one minute before your child lights the dog’s fart and torches your brand-new Kindle. Unfortunately, your insight was finally realizing how to download e-books.

Scorpio: You’ve set your resolutions and posted those goals. Now the only thing out of your reach is the treadmill. Ask a beefy friend to rip your butt off the couch and point you in the right direction; you could lose a few quick pounds depending on how long you’ve been growing into the sofa cushions.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you’ll stub your toe. But you’ll stub it on a gold bar. As you pick it up, someone sees it and they call the cops, who take your gold into custody.  But aliens suddenly grab the gold and use it as a probe on you. Later, you crap a brick. So nothing out of the ordinary, really.

Capricorn: Someone has you turned around, making you dizzier than an earthworm lost in a Krazy Straw. After their latest stunt, you won’t need Google Maps to find a turnoff.

Aquarius: Don’t despair over your misfortune. Find joy in the simple things: a child’s laugh, a discovered treasure, your ex being audited. These are the moments that make life special.

Pisces: There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but that doesn’t mean you have to bite into it every single time. Toss away the rotten fruit and teach those taste buds to appreciate something better than the bottom of the barrel.

Advertisements