Aries: Life can be challenging, but you weren’t expecting it to walk up, throw away your Slurpee and poke you in the chest with a tattooed finger. Good thing you’ve been taking those self-defense classes. Even karma has to tap out in a head lock.

Taurus: Being optimistic is one thing, but over-estimating how bright life is can lead to second-degree burns. After all, if you actually have a pocketful of sunshine, you’re likely to end up with some toasted nuts.

Gemini: Things will be better if you find a happy medium in your life. If you can’t find one, make one by grabbing a cranky psychic and tickling her until she piddles on the sofa.

Cancer: A major opportunity invites you to take a risk on Thursday; before you accept, find out if it’s a black tie affair. If it all goes pear-shaped, at least you’ll look snazzy in the mug shot.

Leo: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Could be that birdseed hat you’re wearing. Ditch the props and you’ll be less likely to star in your own Hitchcock remake. Sometimes less attention is a good thing.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, but you’re following the wrong beat. Take up with a different drummer; not only will you quit dancing like Urkel, you’ll be keeping another musician off the street.

Libra: Ready for a moment of quiet desperation? Didn’t think so. Yell, scream and howl when the need arises this week. It’s de-stressing and it will build you a formidable reputation in the dating pool.

Scorpio: You think your laser-like focus is serious business, but the world sees it as a great cat toy. Relax and just chase the dot for a little sport. If you take it too seriously, you’ll smack into the wall.

Sagittarius: Think you have the world’s next greatest idea? Think again, because twelve feet of Velcro, a polar bear and two skateboards won’t make you famous. It will just test the limits of your health insurance.

Capricorn: If you don’t sweat the details, at least exfoliate them once in a while. A good scrubdown may help you remember where you left the kids and why the car smells like fish sticks and greasepaint.

Aquarius: Don’t worry if your illusions are shattered. You have plenty to spare, and that myth about seven years of bad luck only applies to mirrors. Don’t walk barefoot, though, shards of reality can hurt.

Pisces: You’re pulling your life together as best as you can. Who cares if your patchwork tapestry looks like it was woven by a color-blind wombat with a grudge?  It’s definitely more interesting than one of those bland, store-bought lives. Perfect histories have no stories.

Going with the 13th zodiac sign? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget you:

Ophiuchus: You feel like a new person awake after a really long nap.  Go take that two-day pee you’re needing, then catch up on new trends. Like that William Shatner movie in Esperanto. Or Hammer pants. Maybe grab the latest Vanilla Ice album. You’ll be stylin’ in no time.

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