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Aries: You get your point across on Thursday without saying a word.  Could be that big stick you’re carrying, or the fact that you forgot to wear pants again. In any case, the office will be a very quiet place except for the giggling.

Taurus: It’s the holiday season, so creak open that wallet and spend five bucks on tinsel instead of spray-painting some old barbed wire fencing you found at the dump. Your loved ones and the ER staff will thank you.

Gemini: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but fabulousness is all in the mind. You got the swag and the sizzle, so go be fabulous, baby!

Cancer: There are days when you just feel like the punchline to a bad knock-knock joke. You don’t have to worry about who’s there if you never answer the door. Bonus: that flaming bag of dog poop looks rather festive on your porch.

Leo: If wishes were horses, you’re going to be riding high atop that stallion on Wednesday. If you feed it enough dreams, it will crap out rainbows, which are so much easier to clean up.

Virgo: Diamonds may say “I love you,” but the gift of a new mop under the tree says “Set fire to my car while I sleep.” Re-think that gift unless you cherish the smell of flaming dashboard plastic.

Libra: You look worse than Keith Richards half-buried in a litter box.  Take some time for yourself this weekend and get some rest. Also, lay off snorting the fake snow spray.

Scorpio: Is romance fizzling out before you ever see fireworks? Maybe you just need somebody with a longer fuse. Keep your eyes open on Friday; you could see something that sparks you right up.

Sagittarius: You will do something this week that will make Santa love you more than all the special cookies in Washington and Colorado. When he brings you that gift-wrapped reward, have plenty of Cheetos on hand.

Capricorn: Work gets a little weird when someone finds your thong inside the vending machine. On the positive side, all the Baby Ruth bars on E-8 are now officially yours.

Aquarius: While everyone’s looking out for the bluebird of happiness, keep your eyes peeled for the pterodactyl of big-screen TVs. That’s the flying creature you should make your buddy, because then you would have the biggest television and a freaking dinosaur to watch “Homeland” with you.

Pisces: Expect a wonderful surprise on Saturday. You may not get it, but at least the expectation gives you something to do. Consider it the amateur magic show before the pony shows up at your birthday.

Aries: Your cup runneth over, yet all you can think about is the wet carpet. Relax and enjoy your blessings; maybe you’ll get a ShamWow for Christmas.

Taurus: Nothing says ‘love’ like diamonds. But if your wallet has gone mute, settle for a cola and a burger. Cheap dates are more fun and those diamond necklaces talk too much anyway.

Gemini: You finally become fed up with a sticky situation on Friday, and you take matters into your own hands. Patience is a virtue, but chasing someone around with a sharpened candy cane just feels good.

Cancer: If the answer is blowin’ in the wind, imagine what it would do for a Klondike bar. Ask a few skanky questions until you find out, and your week will perk up considerably.

Leo: You thought you were following the Yellow Brick Road; turns out you’ve been tracking a pack of sled dogs and drunk football fans through the snow. Get back on track while Oz is still in sight.

Virgo: It’s fine to be organized, but you’ve even labeled your labelmakers and filed them according to size. Get out of the house before you start alphabetizing the shows on your DVR. Go have a drink; alcohol usually fixes any nasty problems with orderliness.

Libra: If you’re going to sit on Santa’s lap in that outfit, at least make it quick so he doesn’t have anything embarrassing to explain to the reindeer. On the bright side, you could get a load of goodies in your stocking this year.

Scorpio: You know there are more fish in the sea, you’re just afraid they’re all hammerhead sharks. Be brave and dangle your tackle in the water anyway; you could score a sleek, sexy eel. If the moon hits your eye, it could be a-moray.

Sagittarius: Good news, your boss says you can come back to work once the hallucinations have stopped. If you want a paycheck, you should really quit painting mustaches on yourself with White-out.

Capricorn: Some people wait for their prince or princess, but not you. If you’re going to build your booty call in true Weird Science-style, remember to buy lots of batteries.

Aquarius: Beauty isn’t always in the eye of the beholder; sometimes it’s just in the touch. Grab your sweetie and set aside a weekend for the laying on of hands so you both can feel beautiful. Sweaty, but beautiful.

Pisces: You’re not used to smooth sailing, which may be why you’re flapping around in the water like an agitated seal. Relax. There’s no need to make waves, the universe has plenty in stock.

Aries: You can’t expect a starring role in every play that comes along, but you should at least have a speaking part in your own life. Go diva on someone’s ass and you’ll get that star on the door. Also possibly a giant make-up puff in the face.

Taurus: You have the attention span of a concussed Kardashian and the work ethic of a serial killer. Sounds like you’re about ready to launch a career in politics. Say all your crazy stuff up front so we know who you are.

Gemini: Music may be the food of life, but revenge makes a delightful dessert. Serve it iced with chocolate, caramel and a straw; someone’s getting a Thwappucino.

Cancer: True beauty doesn’t exist in airbrushed model photos. It lives in a sunset, a child’s smile when you turn on the Disney Channel and being able to pee in peace with the door closed. Enjoy your moment of beauty.

Leo: The only time it’s not good to have all the lights on you is during a manhunt. Otherwise, ham it up, enjoy the spotlight and watch for helicopters.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, and someone else has the perfect beat. You may not make beautiful music together, but at least you’ll burn a few calories and hours. Your attitude will thank you in the morning.

Libra: Even the quiet moments in life have something to teach us. Namely, don’t fall asleep after you’ve bought the kids the mega-variety pack of markers. You look like a member of KISS after a three-day bender.

Scorpio: Life isn’t for the timid. You have to grab it, goose it and shake it up a bit to make it dazzling. Fortunately, life rarely fills out a restraining order. It’s kinky like that.

Sagittarius: Confucius said it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you don’t stop. Sounds like he battled a few Black Friday crowds, too. Be careful if you plan to use some kung fu moves to land that cheap TV, because security cams catch everything these days.

Capricorn: If you play to win you get a trophy; play to lose, a payoff. But if you play to confuse, then you experience to joy of watching everyone’s befuddlement. Have a hearty laugh at their expense, and be prepared when they kick you off the team.

Aquarius: Forget chocolates: life is more like a basket of lollipops. Some will suck and others will end up stuck in your hair. Every now and then, you’ll find one that tastes just right.

Pisces: Others view you as hapless Charlie Brown, but in reality, you’re the kite in the tree. You may not be flying right now, but you can see your house from up there. Get ready for a gust to take you even higher.

Aries: Life can’t be defined by the bright shining moments. The times when you stub your toe in the dark and hop around on one foot until you find the spilled Legos, that’s when you learn something. Get ready for some knowledge on Thursday.

Taurus: What needs to be done and what you can get away with are two separate levels, but on Wednesday you’ll have to suck it up and do your job. Don’t worry, Bravo TV will still be there when you’re done.

Gemini: You’ve always done well on the kicking butt section, but you’re a little iffy on the taking names portion. Either get an assistant or quit sending personalized get-well cards afterward.

Cancer: Lately you’ve treated your sex appeal like a quart of Ben & Jerry’s left in the closet: it’s a great thing gone to waste, and now the carpet is kinda sticky. Steam-vac yourself and work that mojo. Someone’s got a spoon and is ready to scoop you up.

Leo: If you can’t be the best this week, strive to be the weird kid in the corner. Sometimes just being remembered is enough to make you noteworthy, just don’t over-do the body piercings, or you’ll whistle in the wind.

Virgo: Not everything is about you, but you’re starting to think perhaps it should be. Step back for a moment before you go full-on diva, because maintaining that drama queen status requires focus, commitment and no weekends off.

Libra: It may take a grizzled prospector and two pick-axes to bring out the best in you, but there is a heart of gold in there. Once you find it, try not to pawn it for jewelry or a new X-box.

Scorpio: You’re about to receive a lot of compliments and kudos for your hard work. Take them in stride, otherwise your ego will inflate so fast, it could be used as a annoying balloon outside a car dealership.

Sagittarius: You will receive a surprise in the mail on Friday. Stay calm, you probably aren’t a winner, but at least you can get a good discount on some naughty magazines.

Capricorn: Relax. There’s nothing wrong with you that a day off, a raise, and a complete personality makeover can’t fix. Until that happens, go ahead and wear your tin foil hat just so people are properly warned.

Aquarius: You’ve been going to your happy place so much, you have a permanent seat on the bus. Stop the commute and live in this reality for a while; you can trade in those frequent traveler miles for a new outlook.

Pisces: Drawing fine lines between emotions isn’t for you; your lines look like they were drawn by a chicken on crack. Quit allowing yourself to be defined by someone else’s brush and paint your own bizarre pictures.

 

Aries: You can teach an old dog new tricks, but that won’t keep him from sniffing someone else’s butt. If you truly want to keep his nose clean, get a leash.

Taurus: There’s a big opportunity coming up, but you’ll have to take a risk to get it. Remember to jump on the trampoline with your feet together, and don’t get your head stuck in the tree. Failure may be hilarious, but success would be a welcome change.

Gemini: Sometimes joy is like the prize in a Cracker Jack box: it gets smaller as the years go by. Get ready for a retro shot of awesomeness on Friday, because what you pull out of the popcorn will be worth its weight in gold.

Cancer: Consider Thursday a bacon-wrapped hug from the universe, dangling with cupcakes and telling you that you look like you’ve lost weight. Yes, it will be that good.

Leo: You have no problem lighting up the world, but people would appreciate it if you installed a dimmer switch. It’s hard to sleep next to a 100-watt disco ball, especially if there’s no Lady Gaga music involved.

Virgo: Quit looking for a sign from the universe; sometimes all you need is a postcard from your own brain. Clean out that mental mailbox and toss those old issues of the Weekly World News so the message can get through.

Libra: Nothing says “I care” like an exquisitely handcrafted piece of diamond jewelry. Thankfully, you don’t care that much, so just send a muffin basket and an envelope of temporary tattoos. It’s the thought that almost counts.

Scorpio: You can’t always be the good guy, but you don’t have to twirl your mustache and look for train tracks, either. Aim for “slightly deranged hipster” and you should hit the mark. Don’t stand still, though: there are other folks aiming for hipsters, too.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing in this world that can’t be fixed with good food, good wine and good pharmaceuticals. If you can’t swing that, you might as well have Thanksgiving dinner with your family.

Capricorn: Keep following the path you’re on and you’ll be like a penguin in a Speedo: odd and unnecessary. Ditch the butt floss and see if there’s any spare dignity on the rack in your size.

Aquarius: Part of being fabulous is embracing your flaws. Does anyone give Chuck Norris crap about that hair? Not to his face, they don’t. Be who you are, ferret ears, big feet and all. Work it, baby!

Pisces: Sometimes you don’t need the key to life to be happy, all you need is a good set of lock picks or know which window universe leaves unlocked. A car hanger works too, if you left your inner joy running and accidentally shut the door.

Aries: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but you have the chance to slip several in while no one’s looking this week. Cram in the positive karma so you won’t be a cricket or a Kardashian in your next life.

Taurus: Some days you don’t need all the answers, you only need to talk fast enough to keep people distracted. Warm up that motormouth and open your forgotten gift of gab.

Gemini: People think you’re quiet, but they don’t realize when you sit alone and look thoughtful, you’re just listening to all the voices in your head. On Tuesday, your dual nature will tag-team you out of a peculiar situation.

Cancer: Life is a buffet and you keep picking at a plate of croutons. Take a chance and try the salmon. Even if it doesn’t work, you meet new people in the bathroom while you deal with the food poisoning.

Leo: You think you’re just focused, but those around you feel like an ant under glass in the sun. Back up and listen on Thursday; someone else’s day in the sun shouldn’t disintegrate them.

Virgo: You must go through a lot of wrong steps to learn all the right moves, so shake that booty and put your own spin on Friday. Forget dancing like no one is watching; just dance like no one cares.

Libra: Each problem is a blessing to make you wiser. Watch out for Monday, because you’ll be blessed right off the map. On Tuesday, you’ll be smart enough to never do that again.

Scorpio: Ready for a change of pace? You’re about to go from a slow jog to a “oh-my-god-there’s-a-tiger-behind-me” run. Wear your track shoes and keep some kitty treats in your pocket.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the best, you only have to be good enough and annoying enough so people will want you yet leave you alone. That’s the true key to success.

Capricorn: If you were truly meant to fly, you would have been born with a birthmark in the shape of a boarding pass and a transparent skin so the TSA could see through you.  Go ahead and take the bus, so you can meet all kinds of new, interesting and vaguely worrisome people.

Aquarius: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can keep your ex-spouses quiet. Enjoy your peace, even if you can’t afford a TV. There’s nothing on, anyway.

Pisces:  You keep looking for something right around the corner. If you follow enough corners, you end up where you started. Quit obsessing about 90-degree angles and create your own triumph out in the open.

Aries: It’s a new day for you, fresh out of the wrapper. Enjoy these prime hours to the fullest, because Thursday will be another second-hand knockoff day for you. That one will be grimy around the edges and a little sticky.

Taurus: Friends don’t let friends wear those pants. Either you need new buddies, or you all should be checked for color blindness. Guess those bedpan margaritas finally bleached your brains.

Gemini: You have a rare opportunity at work, but will anyone believe the FedEx accidentally delivered that much duct tape and bubble wrap? Linger over the extra long lunch until the boss pops his way out of the conference room.

Cancer: You’re five pounds of love in a two-pound bag, so tell the lucky one who gets you to stand back, you really don’t know what will pop out. Could be a night of snuggling or a week of hot monkey action.

Leo: Lately you’ve been so deep, you need subtitles. Don’t worry about people understanding you; while mainstream success eludes you, you’ll be a hipster hero.

Virgo: Aw, look at that! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Libra: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Just don’t take any pictures.

Scorpio: Expect a financial windfall on Tuesday. You may not get it, but you can still expect it. Maybe all that positive energy will manifest itself in a free cup of coffee or a cheap burger.

Sagittarius: You’re like the dog who waits patiently to be let out, even though the screen is long gone from the door. Quit waiting for permission to live your life and go roll in something fun.

Capricorn: There’s nothing more beautiful than a child’s smile, unless it’s plastered on a kid who hid your phone and won’t tell you where it is. Forget threats of military school, just tell them stories about your own childhood until they cave in tears of boredom.

Aquarius:  You’re feeling like a castoff copy of “50 Shades of Grey:” all tied up and nowhere to go. Loosen those mental knots and relax. If you really wanted to be tortured, you could just look at your bank balance.

Pisces: The universe is listening on Wednesday, so quit whining about your issues and go for the gusto: fresh vinyl seat covers for the car. Or a new car. Filled with cash. And prizes. You never know when the universe is in a winning game show mood.

Aries: A person is only as good as their word, and today your word is “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Expect to blow some minds and twist some tongues, you hot thing.

Taurus: If you try to enjoy life by holding it delicately with your pinkie out, you’re going to drop it, and the Universe is out of Super Glue.  Grab it like you’re trying to drink the last drop of coffee while bouncing down a dirt road. Getting life splashed on you is the best part of waking up.

Gemini: Do you have “kicking butt” on your to-do list for Friday? You should, right under “being awesome.” Whip out that inner Chuck Norris and go get yourself a supersized helping of coolness.

Cancer: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but your whopper slips under the radar on Thursday. Keep it up, because the Universe has a blind spot when it comes to your particular cause.

Leo: As one journey ends, a new one begins. This time, though, you know where the comfy seats are, and which convenience store stocks that rare peach energy drink. You’re unstoppable, especially if you eat that day-old burrito.

Virgo: Thursday will be a good day, especially after it has seen the paddling you gave Wednesday. Threaten Friday with a time out, and the weekend will be on its best behavior. Of course, there’s no controlling Monday.

Libra: You will make Charlie Sheen’s life seem dull and ordinary on Saturday. Luckily, a solar flare will erase the cell phone video of you, the ferret and Sarah Palin’s stunt double during that 50 cent margarita night.

Scorpio: If a little rain must fall, it will land and form a puddle right in front of your boss. You can either throw your coat over it in a gallant gesture, or just watch the show. Don’t worry, even Karma likes a good practical joke now and then.

Sagittarius: You’re trying to turn a game of Candyland into chess. Quit overthinking the situation: it’s only complicated if you want it to be. Once you see the answer, you’ll have some free time to do something about that wardrobe.

Capricorn: Your sweetie will be irresistible to you this weekend: they’ve never been more beautiful, especially since they’re holding a basket of bacon, beer and a TV remote. Rowr.

Aquarius: If you hear the answers blowing in the wind, you really need to take your meds. Crack open a book: those things are chock full of answers.

Pisces: New horizons open up to you. Sail away, sweet fishies, because this time you don’t have to swim: there’s a custom yacht ready to take you in style.

Aries: Get over yourself. If the sun truly shines out of your butt, you would be going through a lot more furniture.  Keep your pants on and let the Universe take the credit for an occasional good day.

Taurus: Sure, you can have it all, but where would you keep it? Clean out your closet before setting those goals; the whole enchilada takes up a lot of room, and it doesn’t share well with your girlie magazine collection.

Gemini: You are ready to tackle life and wrestle it to the ground, but you weren’t counting on life wearing shoulder pads. Some days all you can do is hang on to life around the ankles and let it drag you around the field for a while.

Cancer: Some days you’re the one mooning the world, other days you’re just the window. Wipe the butt prints off your head and be glad you’re not the one with the huge crack.

Leo: Feel free to dress for success, as long as you’re not shopping in the Emperor’s New Closet for an outfit. Sometimes clothes don’t make the man, they just make everyone else’s day. Plus, sunscreen can sting those sensitive spots.

Virgo: You can’t really know the future by texting it and being Facebook friends with it. You have to meet it face to face and realize the future is a crazy bee-yotch before you can make any progress with it.

Libra: Thursday will be the kind of day you want to rub up against while wearing velour, just so you can see the sparks fly. Tighten those bolts on your neck, because you could lose your head over Thursday.

Scorpio: Your social life has been so dreadful, even your bunny slippers don’t want to have anything to do with you. Wiggle into those leather pants, slip into those thigh-high boots and make an impact during lunch on Friday. If nothing else, your other problems will fade away when you forget the talcum powder.

Sagittarius: Who can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew? Anyone who has a toddler looking for a bathroom. Life can’t be all beer and Skittles; sometimes it’s milk and Cheerios. That’s okay, beer and skittles is how you got here, right?

Capricorn: You didn’t cause the 15-car pile-up known as your life, but you didn’t help matters by mistaking the radio button for the windshield wipers. Get off the curb and pay attention before someone has to pull a bumper out of your third chakra.

Aquarius: Your happy place may have surround sound and leather recliners, but it doesn’t have space to change your life. Pack a backpack and get out of your comfort zone so you can make a difference.

Pisces: No one knows what they’re truly capable of until they try to read a book while someone kicks the back of their seat for four hours. If you make it through Friday without giving someone their own foot as an enema, kudos to you.

Aries: When a little birdie tells you something juicy, think twice about acting on it, especially if he has early worm-breath. Can you really trust someone if they get up at the crack of dawn just to gobble something down?

Taurus: Finding a balance in your life can be difficult, but it would be a lot easier if you quit trying to stand on a big rubber ball like a performing seal. Relax, and let someone else jump on your balls.

Gemini: You don’t get a trophy just for participating in life; sometimes you have to make an effort to win the blue ribbon. Try your best this week because let’s face it, you’ll never win Miss Congeniality.

Cancer: Cleaning out the fridge is a great way to spend Saturday, as long as you don’t eat everything you find. You don’t want Sunday to be Explosive Diarrhea Day and have to steam-clean the church pews. Again.

Leo: Don’t worry about losing your marbles; life isn’t that kind of game. It’s more of a Twister/chess combo, with a little Five Card Stud mixed in. Limber up and get your poker face on, and you’ll have a fighting chance.

Virgo:  You’ll watch the mighty take a banana peel tumble on Thursday, and that’s your cue to either laugh like a crazed hyena or help them up. One will help your career, while the other just feels so right.

Libra: On Tuesday you’ll have a great hair day, you’ll find jeans that make your butt look adorable, and you’ll have a lilt to your voice that makes you sound like Samantha from ‘Bewitched.’ Don’t you dare hide indoors all day, get out and strut that stuff while you’ve got it.

Scorpio: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning, but you’ll turn that into a moneymaking venture as well. Just remember to use protection and find a suitable pseudonym for your dirty movies; preferably nothing with “Wiggly” in it.

Sagittarius: Being anonymous suits you fine; the spotlight always adds ten pounds of ego anyway. Try selling your 15 minutes of fame on eBay to some overtanned reality star wannabe.

Capricorn: Everything in life is not a competition, but that won’t stop you from stretching a Finish tape across your office door. Remember to keep that at work, because it won’t go over well in the bedroom.

Aquarius:  This week, you’re like a Chinese buffet: you can be sweet, you can spicy, you can even be naked, but you’ll always be chicken. Find your bravery and move up on the food chain.

Pisces: Watch your tongue on Friday. Fat-bottomed girls may not actually make the world go round, but they can knock you out of orbit if you make remarks about their personal gravity.

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