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Aries: Just when you come up for air, a seagull bombs your head. Poo bombs may be good luck, but they really screw with your hairdo. Dogpaddle toward land and you’ll be out of the line of fire.

Taurus: When you don’t get what you want, it’s called experience. When you do get what you want, it’s called luck. When you get what someone else wants, it’s called opportunity. But first, you’re entitled to one free chant of “neener neener.”

Gemini: In the book of life, you’re a dog-eared page with some Diet Coke spilled on it. You may stick to everything that comes your way, but at least you know you contain someone’s favorite words.

Cancer: Your boss doesn’t appreciate all those late hours you’re putting in. Next time, do some actual work at your desk, instead of re-creating a casino buffet in Minecraft.

Leo: There’s joy in every moment, once you know how to squeeze it out. A garlic press works, or you can let the dog sit on it, as long as you don’t mind using a lint roller on your happiness to get the fur off.

Virgo: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield, but on Tuesday the world aims lower and you’re picking Texas-sized mosquitoes out of your grill. Try to keep your mouth closed the rest of the week.

Libra: No one appreciates your talents, but that’s because they’ve never seen a solar-powered butt warmer with pinwheels and wi-fi before. If they don’t fall down laughing, give them a brochure. They could become an investor.

Scorpio: Wednesday will be like a roll of tape. Once you finally get it started, it’s useful for a few minutes. After that, you get it stuck on your shoe and drag it around until you go to bed.

Sagittarius: You wish life would give you lemons. Right now it’s only giving you rock-hard Tootsie Rolls that have been in someone’s purse for ten years. Be grateful it’s not giving you old, unwrapped cough drops.

Capricorn: The best things in life aren’t free, but they are fifteen percent off because you found a great coupon in the parking lot. Use it on double coupon days and you’ll enjoy a very self-satisfied bowl of shredded wheat.

Aquarius: Enjoying fall is great, but you should stick to autumn-themed lattes and pastries. Using pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream or salted caramel foot fungus spray will just earn you dirty looks in the locker room.

Pisces: New opportunities open like blooming flowers in front of you, but you’re worried one will be a Venus Flytrap with an appetite. Enjoy the bouquet, but pack some weed killer in your pocket.


Aries: Your boss thinks you’ve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They don’t realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. That’ll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they haven’t tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming “It’s the aliens again!” Some just aren’t as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: It’s fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, “A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs more talcum powder.” Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think you’ve solved the puzzle, but someone’s grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. You’ll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you can’t find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone else’s. One of your buddies isn’t using theirs, and if you cough up some dough they’ll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesn’t want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then it’s a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You don’t need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma you’re tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.


Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.

Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.

Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.

Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.

Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.

Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.

Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.

Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.

Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.

Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.

Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.

Aries: You’re a few Cocoa Puffs short of a bowl, but you’re still sweet. Just don’t turn the milk brown when you sit in it or you’ll never be invited back to that day spa again.

Taurus: Get to the heart of the matter and you’ll understand everything. If you’re lucky, you can do it just by pressing an ear against someone’s lovely chest. If not, you’ll have to pry up a few floorboards, Poe-style.

Gemini: If you put your best foot forward, does that mean you have a worst foot? Next time you’re getting a mani/pedi, chip in the cash for both feet so you don’t have to hop to impress. Until then, one flip-flop and one Ugg boot will have to do.

Cancer: Just as you’re getting into your groove, someone scratches the record. The hipsters might panic but you know the old-school tricks, so keep the Scotch tape and quarters handy for a smooth beat.

Leo: It’s fine to keep your eyes on the prize, just remember to glance down occasionally so you know where you’re stepping. There’s a lot of cowpies between you and that shiny goal.

Virgo: Good news: your sex tape ends up a viral video. Bad news: it’s hashtagged as an Epic Fail. Put away the camera while you’re practicing that wild Kama Sutra move; all the footage proves you need better health insurance.

Libra: You could be a multimillionaire by next week if you just had a great idea, a way to market it and the ability to predict the next trend. But hey, putting your belly lint bracelets on Craigslist is a start.

Scorpio: Never ask the universe for wisdom, that only happens when nothing goes your way. Instead, stick your hand up for dumb luck: that’s the airheaded genie who grants wishes.

Sagittarius: High maintenance is not for you on Wednesday. You’re less “Princess and the Pea” and more “Chick with a Brick,” so go ahead and smash some expectations.

Capricorn: Sometimes a good mood is like a sock in a dryer: it was there just a minute ago, and now it’s gone. Don’t worry, socks and moods are easily replaced. Just keep the undies of compassion from shrinking so you don’t end up with a karmic wedgie.

Aquarius: Sometimes you wonder if the Universe is using your life as a drinking game, and The Powers That Be are belting vodka each time you stumble. They’ll pass out at some point so hang in there because your luck will change.

Pisces: You can feel that old fire burning in your breast, but is it passion or just heartburn? Pop an antacid and charge ahead; either way, you’ll be jet-propelled when it works its way through your system.

Aries: You’ve had your panties in a twist so often, you’ve invented a new kind of thong. Step back and unwind on Wednesday before your eyes bug out. Also, use some bleach on those undies.

Taurus: Go ahead, dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Allergy Attack. You might need some Benadryl after trying some new moves.

Gemini: Are you a seafaring drama llama? You’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, quit rocking the boat.

Cancer: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Leo: Variety is the spice of life, but sarcasm is the salt required to swallow every dish. Shake away on Friday, your blood pressure will only go up if you hold it in.

Virgo: The universe loves a practical joke, so watch out for cosmic whoopee cushions. Laugh when the fake fart noises erupt, and the pranksters will be caught off guard when you let the real ones slip.

Libra: A bird in the hand means you’ll going to need some baby wipes. No matter what you see in that bush, leave it alone; there could be a vicious pecker hiding in there.

Scorpio: Your story has more holes than a Romulan Battle Bagel. Engage the truth at warp five, or you’ll feel a few photon torpedoes across your bow.

Sagittarius: You’ve had your failures, but you’re bouncing back better than Dolly Parton in a sports bra. Enjoy your success and keep those headlights bright so everyone can bask in your light.

Capricorn: Let out that inner flower child to run wild and free. Just remember, body paint as an outfit may be good for the psyche, but showing your true colors can wreak havoc on the school board meeting.

Aquarius: Anything in this world can be accomplished with luck, common sense and a good dose of sneakiness. Right now you only have two of these things, but you’re crafty enough to build your own luck from a box of paperclips and a banana.

Pisces: The Force is strong within you, but you’re having trouble deciding to be a creative Jedi or caving to the dark side because they have cookies. Ask your Death Star boss if they’re planning a buffet lunch in addition to the dessert cart. Regular meals are a powerful motivator.


Aries: Forget the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; you’ll find a fast food coupon at the end of the parking lot, which is much better. Leprechauns don’t exist, but pumpkin lattes do.

Taurus: Stop the soul-searching; you could slide that sucker under a two-photon microscope and still not find out anything new. Just try to be nice to people so they don’t spit in your food or let the elevator doors close on you. That’s enough.

Gemini: If you wait for the right time and place, you’ll miss some gloriously fun mistakes. Throw caution to the wind, and remember to duck if it changes direction. You don’t want to be cold-cocked by an updraft.

Cancer: Sure, you’re poetry in motion, but it’s more like a bad limerick cruising on a sputtering moped. That look can still work for you, as long as you wear oversized sunglasses and do a few pratfalls.

Leo: Every day is a fresh block of clay, so quit rolling it up and making turds out of it. You don’t have to aim for the Venus de Milo, but you’re capable of a second-grade art project dinosaur at the very least.

Virgo: Some bring charisma, others bring sparkle, but everyone knows what you bring to the party: chips. Make them the cheddar cheese flavor instead of plain, unless you plan to broaden your social skills by bringing dip too.

Libra: Success is defined by the lives you touch, although everyone wishes you’d wash your hands occasionally. You don’t have to leave such sticky fingerprints when you share, so keep some wet wipes handy for karmic purposes.

Scorpio: Thursday will hand you a challenge, but don’t wait to answer it until you’ve dramatically paused for a commercial break. This isn’t a reality show and opportunity doesn’t care about station identification.

Sagittarius: Someone’s dropping hints on you at home, but you refuse to take off that silly helmet. Don’t worry, a few notions won’t mess up your hair but if you keep ignoring your sweetie, a cast iron pan might.

Capricorn: Wednesday is a good day for harvesting your crops, giving to the needy or binge-watching “The Walking Dead” until you’re hiding under the bed and peeing on yourself; just depends on which one applies most to your life.

Aquarius: Say the magic word on Friday and a wealth of treasures will be yours. If the magic word is your safeword, it will also keep someone from gluing a salad spinner to your butt, which is something to be thankful for on its own.

Pisces: Quit living under a rock; that’s only suitable for pink starfish wearing boxer shorts. Step into the sunlight occasionally so you can get a little color and to prove you’re not a vampire.

Aries: The best way to get a few fresh, crisp days is to buy a new calendar. Get something sassy with nuns or cats; the pictures will distract you from this week.

Taurus: You may feel like a box of donuts backstage at a beauty pageant: unloved and unwanted. But here’s the truth: you are desired, and someone might take a bite out of you when no one’s looking.

Gemini: The easiest path may be hard to miss, but it never takes you past any little greasy spoon cafes where they make legendary apple pie. Go offroad for a while, the adventure will be worth it.

Cancer: Silence is golden but keeping quiet when someone does something stupid? That’s platinum-level behavior right there. Reward yourself with some ice cream, it will feel good after you’ve bitten your tongue for days.

Leo: This week is a time for reflection, but who can see anything with your breath steaming up the mirror? Back off a few inches so you can examine more than just your nose hair.

Virgo: You can see your goal, but it’s just out of reach. Instead of jumping like a maniac, scoot a stepladder over and pluck that sucker out of the tree. Don’t wait for it to drop, because someone else could scoop it up first.

Libra: The race usually goes to the swiftest and smartest, but sometimes karma throws the goofiest a bone, too. Get ready to sprint toward the finish line while everyone else ends up with a charley horse.

Scorpio: You’re looking so fine on Tuesday, you should stay off the sidewalks so you don’t cause traffic accidents. Turn that mojo down to simmer at work, or you’ll be leaving some interesting prints on the photocopier.

Sagittarius: You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, but no one expects you to take a baseball bat to the refrigerator, either. Dig deep in your kitchen drawers and find some unused sensitivity and tact.

Capricorn: Forget old dogs and new tricks; you’re more of a middle-aged ferret with a tightrope act. Step lively and smile, because you’re the best show in town.

Aquarius: You always like leaving yourself a little wiggle room, but that’s because you know how good you look in those jeans. Someone else is watching your moves; if you play your mixtape just right you’ll end up with a hip-swaying sweetie.

Pisces:  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and you have a sitcom that haunts you to this day. Seriously, how did Mrs. Garrett not end up chasing those girls with a taser? Meditate on this while you wait for your blood pressure to ease down.

Aries: Success takes ability, luck and lots of fertilizer. You have two components ready to go, now you just need to find a skill besides talking bullcrap, unless you want to go into politics.

Taurus: You’re slow to act, so when you start to make a move on Wednesday, give a warning yelp. That way, the pigeons roosting on you won’t be quite as startled.

Gemini: Don’t pay any attention if someone says a current situation serves you right. You should only be offended if it serves you wrong, because that salad fork is crucial.

Cancer: On Thursday, no one knows best so ignore the person claiming to be an expert. Of course, watching their butt cheeks flap as they talk out of them can at least give you a giggle.

Leo:  The answer you need on Sunday is either tequila, Twitter or high colonics, but not all three unless you plan on breaking the Internet. Leave some things to the imagination.

Virgo: You have an irresistible opportunity this week. Don’t wait for it to knock, just throw open the door when you see it coming up the steps. It will be worth it.

Libra: You’re so full of creative energy, it sloshes around on the carpet and furniture. No need to rent a steam cleaner, just add some more color and call it art. No painting the dog, though.

Scorpio: If life is like a box of chocolates, then your center is one of those weird banana creams that no one likes. Build up your caramel muscles before someone sticks a thumb in you and puts you back in the box.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs some guidance now and again, but the helper monkey might be a bit much. On the plus side, he does throw poo at people you don’t like. This could be the longest relationship you ever have.

Capricorn: You don’t need any help finding trouble. In fact, you’re the Google Maps of poor decisions and shady opportunities. Recalculate your path before you end up in a Lifetime movie.

Aquarius: Pushing yourself too much? Your hamster is still on his wheel, but he’s wheezing hard. Lighten up a little and let him tiptoe through the tulips on a sunny day. You’ll both be happier.

Pisces: You don’t crave the spotlight, but you wouldn’t mind warming your toes along the edge. Stick those little piggies out there on Friday, and show off that new pedicure.

Aries: Forget the bush, a bird in the hand isn’t worth the vat of Purell you’ll need afterward. Quit picking up dirty birds before you start scratching in odd places.

Taurus: You know what you need, you’re just not up for a trip into the dragon’s lair to get it. Be brave and take some cheese dip. Dragons love cheese dip.

Gemini: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Cancer: Your mouth is at full speed, but your brain is still stuck at the stoplight a few blocks back. Next time, have all your body parts carpool and you’ll stay out of trouble. For now, just smile and pay the fine.

Leo: You don’t want everything perfect, you just want it your way. Stomp all you want, it doesn’t change the spin of the Earth. Unless, of course, you get China to help.

Virgo: There’s laughter in your voice, but it’s not a pleasant giggle, it’s more like a crazed “Bwahahaha!” Take a few days off to decompress, before you start picking fights with superheroes whenever the mail is late.

Libra: When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade or you can stick those lemons in the freezer, then take them to the beach and throw them at jet ski riders who zoom too close to the shore. Either way, satisfaction.

Scorpio: Expect a little rain to fall in your life, but when the frogs, locusts and Justin Bieber rains down on your parade, it’s time to poke the universe with a stick. Make it a really long stick, so you can speak your mind and run.

Sagittarius: The trees are singing, the birds are blooming, and everything is right with the world. Medication refill day is the best, isn’t it? Enjoy your rosy outlook for a while.

Capricorn: You’re so tense, someone could set a charcoal briquette in your chair and it would be a diamond by the end of the day. You need to relax, but not until everyone in the office chips in for a bag of charcoal to supplement their retirement funds.

Aquarius: Some moths are drawn to flame, but you flutter straight up to the glowing, pulsing UFO. Wear extra heavy underwear so you won’t get probed and you’ll have a wild story to tell.

Pisces: You take one step forward, two steps back. Chin up, that’s not failure, that’s moonwalking. Get yourself some shiny clothes and a glove, and do it in style.

Aries: You have a rare opportunity to redeem yourself on Monday. Make sure your expiration date hasn’t passed, and ask the clerk if she honors double coupons. Sometimes it’s easier to value yourself when you know what you’re worth to a barcode scanner.

Taurus: You’re feeling more lost than a sensitivity coach in a Dirty Harry movie. Don’t worry, when it comes to wisdom, you’re packing plenty of heat. Blow people away with your impressive knowledge of Spongebob Squarepants trivia. That’ll leave ‘em in the dust.

Gemini: When someone tells you to take a long leap off a short pier, just smile and jump. They don’t need to know you have an inflatable raft in your pants.

Cancer: You may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if anyone needs a slightly irregular spork you are ready. Which is handy, because everyone already knows you’re a tool.

Leo: You’re getting so wrapped up in yourself, it’ll take a dude with a forklift and a tub of lard to get you out. Get out of the plastic wrap before you fart and gas yourself unconscious.

Virgo: If ‘sorry’ is the hardest word, the easiest one is ‘bacon.’ Tuck a couple of strips behind your ear and watch the world fall at your feet this week.

Libra: Bad luck? If you were in the Garden of Eden, you’d cover your naughty bits with poison ivy. Let someone else make the decisions for you on Thursday, unless you have plenty of ointment stocked up.

Scorpio: When your alphabet soup starts insulting you, it’s time to re-evaluate your personality. Be like Mr. Potato Head and stick on a few accessories like kindness, attentiveness and a mustache.

Sagittarius: Don’t go gentle into the good night: it’s dark and something is likely to bite you on the toe. Wear some boots and take a flashlight. Better yet, stay inside where there aren’t any mosquitoes, snakes or in-laws at all.

Capricorn: If the world is your oyster, it’s probably damp, slimy and gags you when it slides down your throat. Try to make the world into your cake, that’s much more fun to have around.

Aquarius: A near-miss isn’t always bad, it just means you have to speak louder so she can hear you. Catch her attention and jog up to introduce yourself. She could be Lady Luck in disguise.

Pisces:  A pretty girl is like a melody, but you’re a Wagnerian opera at double speed: bewildering, confusing and a little frightening in odd places. You may not be catchy, but you definitely make an impact, especially in surround sound.