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Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.
Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.
Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.
Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear, or any underwear at all, just in case TMZ catches you by surprise.
Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey vibranium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.
Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, you can’t hear them after a couple of miles.
Libra: People think you’re a special little snowflake, but they’re reading the wrong forecast. You’re actually an adorable waterspout; you look great on video, but you will sink a jet ski if the haters get too close.
Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the Alexa speaker ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.
Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that super villain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.
Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the plaid-covered grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.
Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic antacids can’t handle.
Pisces: You’ve come so close to success, you two could share a parking pass. Rev up that engine again, because this time you’re in the right lane.
Flickr/MK Feeney
Aries: You feel fit as a fiddle, but your dedication to pizza and wine is slowly turning you into a bassoon. Don’t worry about it; someone appreciates your curves, and you’re good as long as you can fit into the orchestra pit.
Taurus: Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry until snot runs down your shirt, and you’ll have the entire train car to yourself. A little public humiliation is a small price to pay for a quiet commute on Thursday.
Gemini: Everybody’s talking about which came first, the chicken or the egg, and you’re just wondering who built the nest. Keep thinking outside the bock-bock-bock-box, and you’ll rule the henhouse.
Cancer: No good deed goes unpunished; so do something nice for charity this week, and on Saturday night you’ll see your honey in high heels carrying the ping pong paddles. Honey always beats the pants off you in that game.
Leo: You may feel tenser than a rubber sheet stretched out on the clothesline, but don’t worry. After you’ve aired your grievances, Wednesday will shake you out and take you inside for a nice fluff and fold.
Virgo: You should have re-thought your plan before you snuck into the boss’ office with a pair of roller skates, five tarantulas and a mirror ball, but now’s not the time to question your plan. Just kidding. Question it a lot, because it’s hard to support disco tarantulas on unemployment.
Libra: It’s fine to indulge in some deep thought, just don’t lose your footing and get lost splashing in the current. Next time you dive into your own mind, wear flippers and a snorkel.
Scorpio: Every dog has its day, but the rest of the wildlife own the nighttime. Slap on that eye makeup and shake out that tail, because it’s time to waddle your raccoon butt over to the afterparty behind the dumpster.
Sagittarius: Someone’s demanding you make a decision, but you don’t want to choose. Instead, tell them you can have it all. It may not happen, but you’ll have an exciting week while you try.
Capricorn: If everything looks set in stone, it’s because you’re staring at a wall. Opportunity will tap you on the shoulder Monday. Turn around and head into a new direction, but check your shoelaces often. You don’t want to trip over a new success.
Aquarius: A relative is trying to tick off your internal clock, but you went digital years ago. Hit the snooze button and ignore them. Your dreams are far more fun with 100 percent more David Hasselhoff and zero percent nagging.
Pisces: It’s hard to know when you’re in the zone, because you never see any road signs. Program directions to that productive sweet spot on Google Maps, so you’ll know how to find it again. Otherwise, you’ll just keep circling frustration and the McDonald’s drive-thru.
Aries: You’re usually like morning coffee: hot, strong and scorching a lot of laps. This week, though, you’re upping your game to espresso, so be prepared to see a lot of trembling in your presence. Give those poor suckers a break, they can’t help but be addicted to you.
Taurus: New ideas don’t sneak up on you often, so when a winning proposition gooses you on Tuesday you might need to change your underwear as well as your thinking.
Gemini: An ill wind blows into your life on Sunday, but don’t worry; it’s just looking for some flu medicine and a hot toddy. Take care of it, and it will blow some good fortune in your Kleenex.
Cancer: If you ask for help tending your garden, you’re likely to get all fertilizer and no water. Cut the crap and plant your own seeds of wisdom. No one knows your back forty like you do, especially after that lonely summer at band camp.
Leo: You’re handing out advice like Cinnabon coupons, but your words don’t rise to the occasion. Freshen up your recipe with a dash of Nutella and orange, and people will knock down your door for your tasty counsel.
Virgo: You’ll have a touch-and-go Tuesday, a slap-and-tickle Saturday and a Friday so grabby you’ll need a taser. This is the wrong week to try out those new Daisy Dukes while directing traffic.
Libra:The journey of a lifetime often begins with a single step. If you don’t have the right pair of strappy heels for walking off the beaten path, just stay home and hop on the Internet. You can travel the world and be emotionally damaged in the comfort of your own living room.
Scorpio: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do open the door for a fantastic weekend. Keep a bag handy with the essentials; wine, almond oil, and your sequined superhero cape.
Sagittarius: Sure, you can enjoy that golden egg, but why not get dressed up and go find the farmer with a flock of those geese? One gander at your gams and he’ll honk only for you.
Capricorn: Some think you’re all work and no play, but that’s only because they haven’t seen what you do with five rolls of toilet paper and the Keurig machine once everyone’s gone. Remember to smile for the security cameras this time.
Aquarius: Your imagination is running faster than a pack of wild hamsters. Creativity is nice, but those furballs could be making you some money. Grab a wheel and a vodka-filled sippy bottle and get some work done.
Pisces: Forget hiking to the top of Mount Everest; you’ll accomplish something great if you put on pants before you check the mailbox out front. One small step for you, one giant sigh of relief for your neighbors.
Aries: You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can score a 2-for-1 coupon at the expired food emporium. Let others brag about their new cars; you now have a lifetime supply of off-brand Cheetos.
Taurus: It’s a long road ahead to your goal, but you’ve got sunscreen, a thermos and a motorized scooter. Hit the road, because you’re born to be wild. Also, don’t high-center on the speed bumps.
Gemini: Another day is in the can, but you’re hoping for something fresher next time. Ask Karma for one of those meal kits, and you’ll spice things up on Thursday.
Cancer: You think you’ve got everything under control, but not even deluxe Spanx can keep you from showing your butt on Saturday. Take a friend who packs a beach towel in their bag; you’ll need it.
Leo: You’ve expanded your horizons, now it’s time to work on that vertical hold. Ask someone to twirl your antenna a few times. Once they get your message, your evening will be picture perfect.
Virgo: That new fashion design sounded good in your head, but no one will buy outfits made from paper plates stapled together. Think up something better while you’re at the Laundromat, because that prototype could get you arrested.
Libra: Mentally, you’re sleeping in your car, which means your thoughts are all rumpled and you’ve dropped Dorito crumbs in the corners of your brain. Life may be all about the journey, but it’s nice to kick back in a good hotel room along the way.
Scorpio: Flaming drama is fun to watch from a distance, but that shooting star you wished on could be a meteor roaring your way. Be ready to jump high or wish for a jet pack.
Sagittarius: It’s fine to put all your eggs in one basket, as long as you don’t mind omelets. If you fall, get back up, pick out the shell bits and chop some spinach. Sometimes failure leads to the brand new recipes.
Capricorn: Your best moves are those no one can see, and that’s okay. Feel free to join those angels dancing on the head of a pin, and remember to bring your mixtape and a disco ball. They’ll appreciate the new groove.
Aquarius: Personal growth is good, but you should probably have someone look at that thing blooming on your pinky toe. Also, start wearing flip-flops in the gym locker room.
Pisces: Finding it tough to pin your thoughts down? Set out a trap with a box propped up with a stick, and some string, Wile E. Coyote-style. Capture those ideas with a few cupcakes, and they’ll be happy to stay around.
Aries: Someone is being snarky and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you’ll get the jump on them if you just take off your shoe and fling it in their direction. If you really want to get even, take off your socks and air out those tootsies, too.
Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.
Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.
Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.
Leo: If life is a video game,then you know all the cool cheat codes. Use them on Tuesday, and gain some extra points with the boss. Do it again on Wednesday, and you’ll level up.
Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.
Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.
Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.
Sagittarius: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.
Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not Wild West-worthy , but it’s a start.
Aquarius: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit grasping at threads and get your bounce back.
Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike over the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room instead; you’ll get some cardio, and you’ll find that blouse you’ve been missing for weeks.
Flickr/MK Feeney
Aries: Right now you’re feeling a lot like a Slinky: all stretched out and continually falling down stairs. Pull yourself together. Sometimes it’s good to have your spring wound a little tight.
Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.
Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.
Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.
Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. If your co-worker throws your lunch away again, get your tools ready.
Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current mood, except for the pounds you’re putting on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie, go outside and see what people who wear pants are doing.
Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.
Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of medical conventions, you sexy thing.
Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.
Capricorn: When Thursday comes, you’ll either learn one shocking secret or a weird old trick. Pick either one, because the true lesson is don’t believe those clickbait ads.
Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. You’ll save on dog food, but Fido might need a diet plan.
Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Aries: You’re playing to the crowd, but not everyone bought a ticket to your particular show. Be honest to yourself before asking the audience how you’re doing. With luck, they left the rotten tomatoes at home.
Taurus: Sometimes you must accept defeat and ask for help, because no amount of elbow grease will take that patch of super-strong glue off your butt. Next time, don’t repair your favorite wine glass while you’re in the middle of a naked Twister game.
Gemini: Go ahead, reach for the stars. Let the neighbors wonder why you’re waving your arms in the street and yelling “I’m coming for you, Pluto!” You can outwit them with your ambitious dreams, but you might not outrun them if they’re packing a strait jacket.
Cancer: Everyone seems to love your work, but you still think someone’s out to get you. It could be a royal scheme to get your desk dragons, or you could just be really in severe “Game of Thrones” withdrawal.
Leo: You’re finally in the right place at the right time so don’t make the wrong move. Also, don’t freeze up. Or overthink it. And definitely don’t start hysterically giggling when the investors arrive. Otherwise, just be yourself.
Virgo: Spring is in the air, but pride goes before a fall. If you’re at the end of the parade, watch your step and wear sensible shoes. Swap out the 12-inch heels for eight inches. The six-foot-tall, hairy Girl Scout cosplayers walking behind you will thank you.
Libra: Good news! The raccoons have accepted your bribe and your plan is ready to go. Now all you need is the barrel of coconut oil, a Go Pro camera, and three hula hoops. Remember all the little people when you’re famous.
Scorpio: Your mojo is on point this Friday; you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Seize the glory and everyone’s attention with a few of your best moves, and the free drinks will flow.
Sagittarius: Let a smile be your umbrella and you’ll slosh when you walk. At least when someone asks about your bulbous booty cheeks, you can honestly say it’s water weight. Also, you can knock them over when you turn around, because they’re rude.
Capricorn: As the goat of the zodiac, you can scale any obstacle. That doesn’t mean you should, though. Keep your hooves on the ground and learn a bit of patience. You can climb that mountain next time.
Aquarius: You don’t need all of life’s answers, but you would appreciate a few. Here they are: left, Albuquerque, 42, and your high school locker combination.
Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, usually because someone just walked through it. Grab that doorknob and slide in before it slams shut. When in doubt, make friends with a janitor, because they have all the keys.
Aries: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: make your own infomercial and charge $39.95 for your secrets. Your fans will line up.
Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears. There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and cleans.
Gemini: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.
Cancer: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape. Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.
Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.
Virgo: Friday will be one of your best days ever, if you manage to avoid that incident with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel. Check your insurance and see if you have a circus rider.
Libra: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.
Scorpio: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.
Sagittarius: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.
Capricorn: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.
Aquarius: Some days you’re the supervillain, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.
Pisces: You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.
Flickr/MK Feeney
Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.
Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.
Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.
Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.
Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.
Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.
Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.
Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.
Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.
Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.
Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.
Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.
Aries: You’ve been in over your head so long, you could be a stunt double for The Shape of Water. No man is an island, but that one on your right looks sturdy enough to climb on for a while. Make some small talk until your fingers quit being pruny.
Taurus: Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.
Gemini: Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming “intervention.” Next time, don’t ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead.
Cancer: You may feel fit as a fiddle, but from the back you resemble a double bass. Head to the gym for a musical workout if you want someone to pluck your strings again.
Leo: Relax. It isn’t your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what’s new on Hulu.
Virgo: On Thursday, you stand out more than a game of Where’s Waldo at a nudist colony. Give up that woolly hat and pinch some color on all four of your cheeks if you want to fit in.
Libra: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.
Scorpio: It takes a big person to admit they’re wrong, but you’re still shopping in the juniors department. Slide over to the clearance rank and look for a large apology, because you have some growing to do.
Sagittarius: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.
Capricorn: You finally have the chance to show the world what you’re made of! Hopefully it’s not Cheetos, Real Housewives specials and laughing at your mailman’s ‘Dora the Explorer’ socks.
Aquarius: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Dollar Jell-O Shots night at your fave club. Their hangover will make your news seem small.
Pisces: After years of reaching for the stars, a wild meteor swings down to offer you a ride. It may turn out to be a UFO, but hop on anyway. Those aliens throw some amazing parties.
Wisecrack Zodiac: Your Snarky Guide to the Stars! 