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Aries: Don’t give the Universe that look, you know what you did. Now go and stand in the corner while Karma calls around to see if anyone can steam-clean those drapes. Next time, leave the Jell-o and glue juggling to the professionals.

Taurus: Your week looks bright, shiny and happy. Except for Wednesday, it’s up to something. You can tell by the way it twirls that handlebar mustache. Avoid trains, tracks, and anyone in a top hat named Snidely.

Gemini: Some opportunities stomp in with a marching band, others slip through with a wink and a sly smile. Watch out for that one and keep some fresh undies in your bag, because the quiet ones are always down for an adventure.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a fart in yoga class; everyone knows you’re there, but they try to ignore you. Trumpet your talents so they take notice, even if you have to raise a stink.

Leo: You want your sweetie to be the wind beneath your wings, but they’re more like a sudden blast of cold air up your pants leg. You won’t soar, but you’ll definitely jump a few feet.

Virgo: The best things in life are free, mainly because people give them to you so you’ll shut up. They don’t realize that once you get bored, you’ll be itching once again to complain and score new booty like the world’s most annoying pirate.

Libra: All the world’s a stage, but no one asked you to be the star. That’s fine; you’d rather whip up drama behind the scenes, then grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: You’ve found your groove, but your needle has worn down. Get a new one before someone notices that your nub has left them all scratchy.

Sagittarius: The last few weeks have left you stretched too thin. Take a break and pull yourself together; otherwise, you could end up played like a set of bongos in a bad beach movie.

Capricorn: When life moves you one step forward and two steps back, shake your hips and wave your arms. Your sadness will be the newest dance craze.

Aquarius: Your job isn’t the greatest, but at least you can take home all the printer toner you want. Probably shouldn’t make cocktails with it, though. That black pee may be goth but it’s really freaking out your cleaning lady.

Pisces: You’ve just figured out your path to success. Quick! Write it down before it’s chased out of your head by the lyrics of Mambo No. 5. A little bit of Erica…oops. Too late.


Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.


Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder.  Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.

Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.

Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.

Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.

Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt  unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.

Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.

Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.

Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.

Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.

Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.

Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.

Aries:  Every rose has its thorn, but you’re up against a porcupine. If you’re determined to see that rose tattoo, buy a new first aid kit and perhaps a tetanus booster while you’re at it.

Taurus: Crap hitting the fan isn’t so bad when it’s one of those dollar store personal fans powered by a weak AA battery. You’ll be wishing for one of those when your personal load of doo-doo smacks a high-powered warehouse ventilation fan. Good thing you invested in a fire hose for easy clean-up.

Gemini: Not everyone’s chickens come home to roost. Yours have packed up and moved to the city for a shot at fame and fortune on TV. If you’re lucky, they’ll send you some seed money now and again.

Cancer: If someone gives you a lottery ticket, hold on to it. It may not win, but it will provide you with a  good alibi after the strange ferret situation on Wednesday.

Leo: Your life is like an old-fashioned television set; sometimes the universe gives you a whack to straighten out the picture. Drop the static when you feel it, or you’ll get a few more karmic love taps.

Virgo: Others may hog the road, but no one knows the path as well as you. Take a thermos and some beef jerky along, because you’re about to get the fast track all to yourself.

Libra: You’re feeling as welcome as kale on a barbecue grill. You may not be steak but you can still sizzle, so work those weird leafy curves and make everyone regret passing you by.

Scorpio: If a tree falls in the forest and no one tweets it, did it really happen? Take a few selfies with your own log and you could be the busiest one on Tinder. Just hope it doesn’t go viral, because you’re out of antibiotics.

Sagittarius: You can’t change the past any more than you can build a log cabin with a spoon. You can, however, use that spoon to eat ice cream while you plan the future. Besides, everyone knows the best cabins are built with sporks.

Capricorn: Happiness is like dog poop: you’re walking through life, suddenly look down and there it is. At least inner tranquility is easier to get off your shoe and it smells better, too.

Aquarius: You may not be able to scale the mountain, but with a knife, some pliers and three other people, you can totally open a FedEx box. Celebrate your success by opening a jar of pickles and soak up all the applause.

Pisces: Forget the tortoise and the hare, they’re just obsessed with speed. Join up with the free-spirited quokka. You’ll still get there, but you’ll meet more people and have much more fun along the way.

Aries: Your guilt squishes you down like a bacon press into a hot pan. Make amends for your wrongheadedness before you start to pop and sizzle in a pool of fat and regret.

Taurus: You want to be a better person, if only it didn’t take so much actual work. Give a cheer if you have the energy, because a shortcut to sainthood will pop up on Friday. Take it and you’ll be someone’s  hero of the day.

Gemini: There’s an entire world outside your own head, so quit pacing in your brain’s living room and get some exercise. But take a jacket, it’s chilly out there.

Cancer: You feel like a pretty, pretty princess. The universe doesn’t care whether you’re a lumberjack or ballerina, so slap on that tiara, fluff out that ball gown and work it, honey.

Leo: Some days open like a budding flower, others snap like a cranky crocodile. Practice those fast reactions and stay on your toes, or you could lose a few.

Virgo: Everything isn’t always about you; sometimes it’s just slightly about you. The only thing that would make staring into your belly button more exciting is if there’s a webcam embedded in it. You may not be the lead actor in the play today but you’ll probably steal the show anyway.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drums, but you skip along to the sound of a mad hornet caught in a soda can. Keep it up, because sometimes rhythm is overrated.

Scorpio: You can look for the beauty in each moment, but you’re likely to end up with a bunch of pimply, irregular minutes in your day. Gloss them over with a great attitude, some pancake makeup and a three-martini lunch. Everything looks better after that.

Sagittarius: No one’s asking you to be the best, because they know you too well. Try to keep your body parts attached, the car upright and the house in one piece, and you can consider yourself a success.

Capricorn: It would be easier to let a little light into your life if you didn’t have the shades duct-taped to the wall. Make the tiniest effort toward hope and the universe will be so surprised, it will reward you.

Aquarius: Shake up your routine and adopt a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome. Not only will you be a pet rescuer, the P.T.O. meetings will never be boring again.

Pisces: Rise to the occasion on Wednesday and face the storm front. You’ll find out most storms are just gusts of hot air and short bursts of crocodile tears. This one will pass so fast, Jim Cantore wouldn’t even put on a windbreaker for it.

Aries: Don’t fret about your last hurrah. You still have a whole box of “Woo Hoo!” to use up, plus a truckload of “Oh crap.” Work through those first.

Taurus: Things may seem tough now, but be assured; if you don’t work through this they can definitely get tougher. Even one baby step at a time is considered progress.

Gemini: You know the score, mainly because you’re the one who rigged the game. Sometimes corking your own bat doesn’t work, but this time your strategy nails you a home run. If you wonder where your guilty conscience is, it’s up in the stands selling beer because it’s tired of working for peanuts, too.

Cancer: Lucky breaks are usually hard to come by, but you stumble into a nest of them this week. A few may even follow you home, so set out some snacks. They could fatten into ripe opportunities.

Leo: Easy Street is just marketing; there are still potholes, but they’re advertised as built-in pools. Every road has its hazards, but you’re about to get a much smoother drive.

Virgo: There’s nothing more beautiful than a well thought out plan, but a half-assed bad one is way more fun to watch. Get your popcorn, because someone in your family is about to put on a show. Also, keep some Band-Aids and bail money on hand, just in case.

Libra: Everyone warns you about flying too close to the sun, but no one worries about you digging to the center of the earth. Before you start throwing dirt around, make sure you have a plan in place to deal with radioactive mole men.

Scorpio: You have a grand idea, but someone will try to bust it down to just a wild hunch. Ignore them or you’ll soon shelve it with all the other unrealized inklings and never achieve anything at all.

Sagittarius: In every life some rain must fall, but you’ve been holding on like Jack from “Titanic.” You don’t have to sink, just whip out your phone and order up a jet ski from Amazon. By using your own wits, you’ll leave that wreck far behind.

Capricorn: You’re the cream in someone’s coffee, the jam on their bread. This means you’re very sweet, and people can only handle you in small doses. Give them some space and add a little tartness to your repertoire; it will make you even more tempting.

Aquarius: Your confidence is hidden like a needle in a haystack. Get some big magnets and drag it out.  You shouldn’t be sewing atop hay bales anyway, unless you’re into extreme embroidery.

Pisces: The answers are blowing in the wind, and a few will hit you in the face like airborne plastic grocery bags. Just be grateful they’re filled with good things instead of used tissues or cat poop.

Aries: Oooh, baby, you must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that. Actually, not even Jell-O shakes like that in an earthquake. Maybe you should get that checked out by a specialist or a jazz band.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and granola bars before you go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. Ahhh, the dark side feels good, doesn’t it?

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current funk, except for the 20 pounds you’ll put on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie and—no, drop it, drop it…there. Go outside and see what people who regularly wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of neurologist conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: On Friday, you’ll learn a shocking secret, but will you be able to keep it? Tune in next week for the next episode of You: The Reality Show. Just kidding, you’ll blab that secret all over town before Monday.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. Keep looking on the bright side, and you won’t need your glasses as much.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket.

Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That’s just the universe’s way of saying “Thank you for playing” and giving you a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize.

Gemini: If life is a roller coaster, you’re inching up to the top. This fun has been a long time coming, so hold those arms up and get ready to scream.

Cancer: Don’t do anything stupid at 2 p.m. on Monday. That’s when your guardian angel sees his therapist, and he really needs the whole hour, especially after that llama mishap.

Leo: Life can be beautiful, especially if you make it wear the blonde wig and tell it to go easy on the makeup. Take your existence out for a hot date and show it a good time. You won’t regret it.

Virgo: If someone can read you like a book, it’s only because you’re in large print. Play hardcover-to-get and change up your font. Everyone loves a mystery.

Libra: It doesn’t take much to make you happy on Saturday. That’s good, because not much is all you’re going to get. Keep loving the little things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

Scorpio: Sometimes you run as fast as you can, but it still feels like life is passing you by. Don’t worry, the next ice cream truck will be playing your song. Throw a few nails out in front of it and you’ll finally catch your reward.

Sagittarius: Forget about stacking the deck in this new relationship; your sweetie is pretty stacked already. If you add anything more, they’re likely to fall over, especially in those shoes. Just smile and enjoy.

Capricorn: You don’t want answers, you just enjoy sneaking up on the questions and wrestling them down like surprised alligators. Watch out for the death roll of moronic theories, and work those opinions until they tire out.

Aquarius: Just when you’re getting a handle on a situation, the bottom of the box gets wet and everything hits the pavement. Nothing’s broken, so just brush the dirt off that cupcake and give it to the boss.

Pisces: You’ve been like a set of Russian nesting dolls, pulling your world tighter and tighter around yourself until you have a wedgie of the soul, which is one of the worst wedgies to have. Break open the mold and go party with some new friends, like those trampy Barbie knockoffs across the aisle.

Aries: You may see yourself as the badass V8 engine under the hood, but you’re more like the banana in the tailpipe. You still make an impact it’s just hilarious instead of heart-pounding.

Taurus: You have the wings of a falcon, the heart of an eagle and the thighs of a chicken. When you soar to impossible heights you may want to stay there, because if you land, you may be seen as very, very tasty. Avoid older men in bolo ties with bags of spices.

Gemini: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, because you forgot to put your phone on vibrate again. Really, there’s no taking you anywhere, is there? Stay at home for a few nights until the theater usher forgets what you look like.

Cancer: Every day is a new beginning, sometimes it’s just a lousy story. Be grateful that Thursday is flash fiction, because you want to be fresh for Friday night’s spicy chapter.

Leo: There’s a lot of people on the path not taken, you’re just not seeing the foot traffic. Look up and you’ll see scores ziplining above the treetops to destiny. Strap on that harness, because walking is for wussies.

Virgo: If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, it’s better to get a stepladder and move up. That makes it much easier to whack them on the head and drive them down to your original point of view. Bring smelling salts in case the hammer of your opinions is too effective.

Libra: Sexy? Your bedsprings have made more squeaks than a barn full of mice. Use that mojo on Saturday’s hottie, and watch out for mousetraps.

Scorpio: If there’s such a thing as a lucky break, it’s definitely not coming from that loan shark with the baseball bat. Do yourself a favor and avoid investing in those ant farm-powered cell phone chargers.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can slide a webcam under your boss’ locked door, but you can’t unsee what he does with a bird feeder and two pounds of marshmallow cream. Forget therapy, too, because re-enacting it makes the dolls all sticky.

Capricorn: Sometimes the best smiles come from the scraggliest faces, but you’ll never see them if you only look down your own nose. Be kind this week, because karma has a savage sense of humor.

Aquarius: In your hands, trash becomes treasure but a hot glue gun becomes a spontaneous waxing session. For the EMT’s sake, wear pants when doing crafts.

Pisces: You’re so exhausted from the imaginary conversations in your head that you can’t bear talking to a real, live person right now. Start slowly by telling the telemarketer to bugger off and you can work your way up from there.

Aries:  Forget cherries; life is like a big bowl of peanuts and shellfish, and both make you swell up like a party balloon. If you insist on grabbing the gusto, grab a few epi pens along with it.

Taurus: It’s a long, hard road ahead, but you’ll need more than stamina or determination. Check eBay for lightly used inflatable donuts, because this trip will be tough on the tushie.

Gemini: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Cancer: In every life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about snow. Don’t even try to use a smile for an umbrella, just whip out a scowl for a snow shovel and get your grump on.

Leo: You’re facing some hurdles that you just can’t jump. Do more than just think outside the box; stack those boxes up and you’ll skip merrily across any obstacles. Take a bow afterwards, because some jaws will drop.

Virgo: Just because someone tries to pee in your Post Toasties doesn’t mean you should stand there and hold the bowl. Cover your breakfast and sic your leg-humping dog on them; that will definitely interrupt their stream of thought.

Libra: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

Scorpio: If you do see a bright spot this week, don’t panic. You’re not having a stroke, it’s just that things are finally looking up for you. Take it easy, because the shock of a better life could be too much to bear.

 Sagittarius: Every journey begins with a single step, unless you stay in and Skype. You can follow your path without going outside, and stay within easy reach of nachos and beer.

Capricorn: An unexamined life collects plenty of dirt and grime, and you haven’t given yours a second look in quite a while. Grab a scrub brush and do some navel-gazing; it’s time to go after those lint monsters.

Aquarius: The universe puts on a great show, you just need to find the right theater.  Pay attention, because the cosmic jokes alone are worth the price of admission and you’ll have some zingers for the next cocktail party.

Pisces: When karma gives you a cookie, you always check the underside for extras. Don’t worry, this time there are no strings attached. Enjoy the rare taste of success, even if it’s oatmeal raisin instead of chocolate chip.

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