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Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.

Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.

Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.

Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.

Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.

Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.

Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.

Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.

Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.

Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.

Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.

Aries: The world may not slow down for you, but that doesn’t mean it can throw you off, either. Ride the day like a mechanical bull in a Texas bar, and throw in the occasional ‘Yee Haw!’ just to keep your coworkers on their toes.

Taurus: Forget candy and roses. Show your sweetie you still care by giving them the remote and sitting through that five-hour PBS special on bees throughout history. That’s true love. Well, that, and not making them wear the Robert Downey, Jr. mask in bed anymore.

Gemini: Some boundaries shouldn’t be pushed, but they can be tickled. Remember, kinky is a single feather, perverted is using the whole chicken, really warped is dressing the chicken in a negligee first and asking it to whip you with gluten-free linguini.

Cancer: You are the SuperGlue of the family: you’re dependable, loyal, and usually stuck in odd places for no apparent reason. While you wait for that nail polish remover to work, use something less binding to keep your family together, like cheese.

Leo:  Those boots aren’t made for walking but they are capable of a lively Riverdance. Step to it and show off those wild Irish moves during the next corporate committee meeting. You’ll be the talk of the HR department.

Virgo: When you tell the universe you want a purpose in life, you shouldn’t mumble. On the bright side, your new career as a porpoise trainer looks exciting, especially if you squeeze in some Spanx under that wet suit.

Libra: To thine own self, be true. Everyone else can bugger off, especially on Wednesday.  If they can’t take a hint, a sharp kick to the shin will do the trick.

Scorpio: Seeing a penny and picking it up doesn’t always bring good luck, especially if Penny carries pepper spray and a mean right hook. Next time, just text her your OKCupid profile and you’ll spend less time in the ER.

Sagittarius: You’ll think up three new concepts on Tuesday. One is a million-dollar idea, the other two will just get you slapped. Tread carefully, blows to the head aren’t always as fun as they sound.

Capricorn: Stapling yourself to your desk may be a cry for help on Monday, or it could be the only way you can keep your fellow cubicle drones from stealing that sweet new office chair you swiped from someone else Friday. Prepare the Nerf gun, this could mean war.

Aquarius: You have the magical touch, why waste it on frog-smooching when there are dragons to slay and unicorns to ride? Tell all interested princes to tweet their resumes to you and head off into Wonderland for an awesome day.

Pisces: A wellspring of ideas will bubble up this week. Drink freely of this inspiration, and chase off the big dogs who just want to piddle in your new puddle.

Aries: You have a spring in your step. Maybe you shouldn’t be smuggling out merchandise from your job at the Slinky factory. If you try to run, there will be more bounce to your ounces down the stairs.

Taurus: A sweet gesture on Friday will warm the cockles of your heart. Or it could just be indigestion. Avoid the meatball sub or you won’t know whether to be flattered or in need of Tums.

Gemini: Every dog has his day, but the smart pups know how to score at night, too. Sniff out some opportunities so you can howl at the moon this weekend.

Cancer: Good intentions may cobble the road to Hades, but bad intentions and few brain cells will land you on the news or reality TV. Enjoy your fame, it’s only a matter of time before you’re living in your truck with a disturbed ferret.

Leo: If you have a path to success, there’s no need to map out the entire road system of Middle-earth. Follow where your feet take you, and don’t worry about the cool things you’re missing on those other trails.

Virgo: Reach out to someone this week. If they slap your hand away, perform the most complicated jive handshake ever on them and walk away knowing you are the epitome of awkward yet cool. Which is still awkward.

Libra: You have a major opportunity coming up at work, so take time and prepare. Flying by the seat of your pants will only give you a wedgie and there’s no decent in-flight movie except the recurring nightmares of your failures.

Scorpio: If your dreams are the key, your wild paranoia is the triple-deadbolted lock trapping your psyche. You could pick it like a master safecracker, or just blast the sucker with a few Bloody Marys and release the Kraken of your soul.

Sagittarius: Success may taste sweet, but it can also rot your teeth and give you a twitch if you’re not made to handle it. Be content with the occasional treat of good fortune.

Capricorn: You can try to be outrageous, but you can’t top a man with nothing to lose but his mind and his underwear. Know when you’ve been beaten in the Crazy Olympics, and tip your hat so you don’t have to see his junk.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you’ve broken through the barriers and discovered the sky’s the limit, but you’ve also learned you have a fear of wide open spaces. Keep climbing toward the stars, just don’t look down, up or sideways while doing it.

Pisces: Happiness isn’t about never getting hurt, it’s yanking off the Band-Aid and realizing you healed up just fine. Also, if you have a cool scar, you can score free beer on a night out.

Aries: You’re suspicious of good fortune without consequences. When the universe gives you a cookie this week, ask it to kick you in the shins, too, so you won’t be surprised later.

Taurus: Feel free to ignore the naysayers on Friday. You’re living in your own little world, but at least you have wi-fi and mail delivery there.

Gemini: Some people will be stunned to know you have a shell, let alone hide in it. Ignore them. Even social butterflies need a cocoon now and then, if only to host awesome house parties.

Cancer: Most people poke dragons with sharp sticks, but you have style. Go ahead, play Justin Bieber music at the dragon’s lair until he toasts you like a marshmallow at a Cub Scout campout. At least you’ll have a tan and a story.

Leo: You’ve been so busy lately, you haven’t had any spare time to think about how marvelous you truly are. Go ahead, take an evening for yourself with some candlelight, a bottle of wine and a mirror.

Virgo: On Tuesday, you’re like an Etch-A-Sketch shaken by a toddler. You know you’re capable of great art, but everything seems fuzzy and a little sticky at the moment.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them. You just nicked it out of a recycling bin and dusted it off a bit. Go ahead, wear it; turns out greatness flatters those wide hips.

Scorpio: You can hand over your heart, wallet and self-respect, but nothing warms up your sweetie like being nice to their family. Go ahead, you can do it, even if it requires industrial-grade meds and a Buick-sized margarita.

Sagittarius: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but whips and chains can really chafe and leave marks. Use some padding if you’re into the rough stuff, otherwise your bank teller will give you a funny look.

Capricorn: It doesn’t take a genius to see where things are going in a situation. That’s good, because only you have noticed it so far. Feel free to step up and take some credit; none of your co-workers will be the wiser.

Aquarius: You may currently be as confused as a squirrel with a can of spray cheese, but all will be revealed when you finally grab the right nozzle.

Pisces: Not only do you get your groove back this week, but you’ve also found your mojo, swagger and style. Put them all in a safe place this time, somewhere the dog can’t reach. No one can use a chewed-up groove.

Aries: It’s easier to take a gander than endure a goose, but you should still keep your distance from fowl play on Thursday.  No golden eggs to see here, move along.

Taurus: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but 27 of them will get you a movie deal about your life. Hold out for Nicholas Cage to play you. Whether you’re male or female, it will be worth it.

Gemini: Your career is on hold, which wouldn’t be so bad if you had some smooth jazz on the line. Hang up and try a different number. No, those ‘hot chat’ 800 numbers don’t count.

Cancer: Success isn’t how you play the game, it’s where you hide all the good pieces. You may not prosper but you’ll have a few laughs while someone searches the couch cushions for the dice.

Leo: You’ll put someone’s mind at ease this week when they worry about how they look or sound. Silly underlings, they don’t know it’s all about you. Tell them as long as they make you look good, all is well.

Virgo: It’s perfectly acceptable to turn over a new leaf, but there’s no need to go around flipping trees out of the ground. Aim to be a pleasing breeze of change, not a tornado of overcompensation.

Libra: Your latest brainstorm could make you a millionaire and save the Post Office, if you can just figure out how to get the tequila to stay fresh on the back of a stamp. Figure that out and you’ll usher in a new age of licking the mail.

Scorpio: You’re more confusing than a Gary Busey movie dubbed in Japanese. Stop trying to figure yourself out and just enjoy the weirdness that is you.

Sagittarius: The wrong answers hit you on Wednesday, but at least they were driving a scooter instead of a cement truck. Use that limp to hitch a ride with a car full of the right questions, and you’ll finally get somewhere.

Capricorn: Forget chocolates; life is a pickle, because it usually makes you pucker and it’s best in small slices. If you’re lucky, you’ll score some sweet bread and butter pickles and not an old jar of fermented herring.

Aquarius: How you see yourself and how you really are is the difference between a dyed Mohawk and a flowing mullet. Forget being edgy and hip, just revel in the gloriousness of your party in the back.

Pisces: Relax. Your sucking vortex of despair is actually just a kiddie pool some toddler peed in. Step out, rinse off and leave the floating tide of drama for someone else.

Aries: You may see yourself as the badass V8 engine under the hood, but you’re more like the banana in the tailpipe. You still make an impact it’s just hilarious instead of heart-pounding.

Taurus: You have the wings of a falcon, the heart of an eagle and the thighs of a chicken. When you soar to impossible heights you may want to stay there, because if you land, you may be seen as very, very tasty. Avoid older men in bolo ties with bags of spices.

Gemini: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, because you forgot to put your phone on vibrate again. Really, there’s no taking you anywhere, is there? Stay at home for a few nights until the theater usher forgets what you look like.

Cancer: Every day is a new beginning, sometimes it’s just a lousy story. Be grateful that Thursday is flash fiction, because you want to be fresh for Friday night’s spicy chapter.

Leo: There’s a lot of people on the path not taken, you’re just not seeing the foot traffic. Look up and you’ll see scores ziplining above the treetops to destiny. Strap on that harness, because walking is for wussies.

Virgo: If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, it’s better to get a stepladder and move up. That makes it much easier to whack them on the head and drive them down to your original point of view. Bring smelling salts in case the hammer of your opinions is too effective.

Libra: Sexy? Your bedsprings have made more squeaks than a barn full of mice. Use that mojo on Saturday’s hottie, and watch out for mousetraps.

Scorpio: If there’s such a thing as a lucky break, it’s definitely not coming from that loan shark with the baseball bat. Do yourself a favor and avoid investing in those ant farm-powered cell phone chargers.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can slide a webcam under your boss’ locked door, but you can’t unsee what he does with a bird feeder and two pounds of marshmallow cream. Forget therapy, too, because re-enacting it makes the dolls all sticky.

Capricorn: Sometimes the best smiles come from the scraggliest faces, but you’ll never see them if you only look down your own nose. Be kind this week, because karma has a savage sense of humor.

Aquarius: In your hands, trash becomes treasure but a hot glue gun becomes a spontaneous waxing session. For the EMT’s sake, wear pants when doing crafts.

Pisces: You’re so exhausted from the imaginary conversations in your head that you can’t bear talking to a real, live person right now. Start slowly by telling the telemarketer to bugger off and you can work your way up from there.

Aries: Your ability to make mountains out of molehills means you’re invited to all the cool landscaping parties, but it leaves things rocky at home. Put away the shovel before someone hits you with it.

Taurus: If someone throws a wrench into your plans, you have a good idea which monkey did it. If you confront them face to face, you might get a little poo flung at you but you’ll take away the rest of his toolbox.

Gemini: You’ll make the news when your cabin fever boils over and you sprint naked through the snow yelling “I’m a robin! It’s spring!” After the footage airs, you’ll receive four marriage proposals, three nasty emails and an offer to play Naughty Smurf in an adult movie.

Cancer: Forget a spoonful of sugar; bitter pills are best taken with lots of vodka. You’ll lower your diabetes risk, and you’ll soon forget whatever ugly truth you just had to swallow.

Leo: You’ve never been one for introspection, but it couldn’t hurt to do some soul-searching this weekend. Once you realize your inside is just as fabulous as your outside, you’ll be ready for anything.

Virgo: In the karmic race there are winners, losers and the weird ones who throw a party in the parking lot and never show up to the track meet. If you’re carrying a cooler of beer and hot dogs, you know which group you’re in.

Libra: Love can be kind, or it can be cinched up in a leather bustier and holding a whip. If you plan to suffer for love, make sure the other person is worth it and always have a safeword.

Scorpio: Feeling a nip in the air? Don’t blame it on the polar vortex, it’s all on you for breeding those flying piranhas. Expect your week to end up like a cheesy SyFy ‘Sharknado’ movie: everybody will watch, but no one wants to be there.

Sagittarius: You’re on the horns of a dilemma. Climb down from there and get back in the saddle again, before you end up with extra ventilation holes. It’s easier to figure out your troubles when you’re not hanging from the pointy ends of life.

Capricorn: Your Wednesday is looking up, which is why it sees the falling piano before anyone else does. If you have some fast moves, you’ll get through the day just fine.

Aquarius: Sure, my friend, the answer may be blowing on the wind, but it’s just as likely to be stuck on a lint roller. Throw some mental weight behind your own solutions, and you won’t have to worry about fluffballs leaving on the breeze.

Pisces: It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. If people tell you this, remind them of it when you’re chasing them around and swinging a Monopoly board.

Aries: You’re in a town where everyone knows your name. That’s great for camaraderie, not so fine when you win the lottery. You are due for a score, although it’s likely to be a free dinner instead of the Powerball jackpot.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Gemini: Love will show you the way, but sneakiness knows all the back roads. You’ll get where you’re going and still have time to put on that innocent face.

Cancer: Some people lead the parade of life, others end up following the horses with a giant pooper scooper. You’ll take a lot of crap on Friday, but if you buy an armload of paper bags, you’ll have your luminaries all sorted for next Christmas.

Leo: Just when you’ve tied a knot in your rope so you can hang on, someone comes along to grease it up. Let it go. You’re only an inch above the ground anyway, and you’ll land on your feet.

Virgo: Sometimes your purpose in life feels like a too-small swimsuit: it no longer fits and it really chafes your butt. Don’t worry, new directions come in all shapes and sizes, and most of them are quite the bargain.

Libra: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Scorpio: The only way you’ll be a quiet beauty is with duct tape and a makeover, but that’s okay. Somewhere out there is a person who needs a loud, frizzy sweetie who swears like a sailor with a stubbed toe.

Sagittarius: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Capricorn: You’ll find job satisfaction this week, mainly because you’ve started selling your company’s office supplies on eBay. You’ll get that raise, one paperclip at a time.

Aquarius: There’s a hole in your heart, and you can’t fill it with Twinkies, booze or cheap dates. It might help if you saw a doctor instead of trying to install a discount pacemaker with a spoon and an instructional YouTube video.

Pisces: The sun finally comes out on your life, and you’re worried because you can’t find your sunglasses or SPF 30 lotion.  Grab a hat so you can face your better day without squinting and relax.

Aries: At this rate, the only way for you to be enlightened is for someone to stick a candle in your ear.  Get a clue and leave the dripping wax out of your lap. Hair removal should be done by professionals.

Taurus: No one said this job would be easy, although you’re sure there’s something in the fine print. Put down the magnifying glass, sharpen your horns and tear through the hard work.  Promotions are better than easy any day.

Gemini: If angels dance on pinheads, what’s doing the shimmy on the back of your neck? Could be a premonition or maybe you need to move your chair away from the air conditioner.

Cancer: You’re used to straight lines and open doors, but Wednesday is a crazy straw of crawlspaces. Go ahead and grab some knee pads; it’s time you got a little dirty.

Leo: You’ve always suspected the universe had a super-secret VIP room, and you’ve just spotted the velvet rope. Keep working those connections, because your name will be on the guest list soon.

Virgo: Good luck pops up where you least expect it on Thursday. If you’re playing ‘whack-a-mole’ with your day, you could knock it right out of the picture, so stay sharp.

Libra: Love can be filled with roses and soft words, or it can be sticky and smell faintly of soggy Cheerios. You’ll be offered both this week, so take the one you really want.

Scorpio: Some people walk the path less traveled, but your idea of adventure is riding a Rascal on the Interstate. It’s been fun so far, but find an exit soon before you become a hood ornament.

Sagittarius: It’s the little things in life that count, like a smile from a child, a picture made of macaroni, or discovering pasta and glue smeared all over your new kitchen. Hope there’s room on your gold card for wine, therapy and glue remover.

Capricorn: You’re faced with a difficult decision at work. Be considerate and go behind closed doors before you whip out your problem-solving method of “Rock Paper Lizard Scissors Spock.” If you look too silly, people will think you’re manager material.

Aquarius: Feel free to go find your groove this weekend, just don’t stay so long that a rock-climbing party has to repel down to rescue your glitter-covered butt. You really don’t want to see that on the evening news.

Pisces: You’ve hitched your wagon to a lot of rising stars, but why not work on your own spaceflight? You could reach orbit sooner than you think, and you’ll love the phone reception up there.

Aries:  You have the opportunity to do something magnificent on Thursday. If you think you might screw it up, bring someone along to slap you in the head periodically until you get it right.

Taurus: Your temper may be slow to catch, but once it does, you have all the subtlety of a tire fire by a propane plant.  Dampen those sparks and avoid the burn.

Gemini: Good news! You’re a sugar-toothed toddler and the universe just unlocked the candy store. Emotional highs this staggering aren’t meant to last, so enjoy it until the sugar coma hits.

Cancer:  True, there’s no “I” in team, but there’s no “O” either, as in OMG, did you just see what the new guy did at the copier? Take a picture, it’ll last longer and it’s easier to email to your friends.

Leo: Ahead of you is nothing but blue sky, but you can’t have smooth sailing without a little wind. Good thing you ate that pickled cabbage for lunch. Sometimes the breezes you create are better at getting you to where you want to go.

Virgo: Sometimes magic isn’t in the air, it’s hidden behind a spring and some cards in an old dude’s pocket. Good times are still within your reach, but don’t expect the earth to shake, just be glad it’s steady under your feet.

Libra: Why do you walk around like a constipated chicken when you could soar with the eagles? Tap into your creativity and push out that egg. It could be golden.

Scorpio: Become the beauty you seek. If you’re ever alone, at least you can look at yourself in the mirror. Please, no duckface shots for the Internet; no one wants to marvel at your mystique as you lean against the bathroom sink.

Sagittarius: Yes, the idiot hurt you, but you must move on. Let go of your pain, let go of the past, let go of the sharpened screwdriver you’re pressing against their tires. There’s someone better up ahead, and they offer a sweet ride. Their car isn’t bad, either.

Capricorn: If the pieces won’t come together, get some scissors and duct tape. You may not solve the puzzle, but you’ll create an abstract artwork that will leave critics panting.

Aquarius: You’re heading in the right direction, whether the GPS knows it or not. Shut that chick up and put on some Aerosmith because you’re driving on the edge.

Pisces: When you feel that the normal world is a club and you don’t know the secret handshake, remember this: even if you knew the handshake, they wouldn’t let you in. Just be your wonderful, weird self, and others will come to you.


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