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Aries: Don’t ask someone to feel your stocking if that rock-hard lump is just a hunk of coal. Make your sweetie’s season bright by offering up something much warmer and stiffer, like a hot toddy.
Taurus: The thought counts with gifts, but not so much with cooking. Instead of serving up Christmas ham Hot Pockets, shake out that piggy bank and head to the Chinese restaurant. Even Santa loves fortune cookies.
Gemini: Don’t be disappointed when the kids enjoy the box their gift came in more than the actual gadget itself. At least you got the chance to use your taser on Black Friday.
Cancer: Some people’s holiday spirit comes from the pulpit, some comes from the family, and for others it all comes from a bottle. Hey, whatever gets you to the new year, right?
Leo: Not every celebration is traditional. If your idea of a swinging time is the metal thrash version of the Little Drummer Boy and playing “Will This Fruitcake Stick to the Wall?” then go for it. Just don’t expect the elves to clean those candied cherries off the wallpaper.
Virgo: ‘Tis the season for sharing, but no one wants to see your frozen goodies as you streak through the live nativity scene. Besides, those camels spit, and you don’t want to spend the rest of the day scrubbing that off your butt.
Libra: Family members are like presents: some of them are wrapped too tightly and others are half in the bag. You can’t exchange them, though, so focus on the good bits and be glad Christmas comes just once a year.
Scorpio: You may think Festivus was a character on “Gunsmoke,” but this year you’re willing to give it a try. Helping your mother-in-law out of the recliner definitely counts as a Feat of Strength.
Sagittarius: Santa can’t swing a PS4 for the kids this holiday, but he will bring them all snowsuits so you can kick their butts out of the house for a while and have some quality time with a bottle of wine. See? Santa cares.
Capricorn: Placing mistletoe in your underwear sounds like a good idea at the office party, but the rash will last much longer than the egg nog buzz. Settle for handshakes and awkward conversation.
Aquarius: Keep the day special and full of fun: don’t forget the batteries! Yeah, you should probably buy some toys for the kids, too.
Pisces: Some holiday moments stay with you forever, like accidentally seeing Grandma get out of the shower. Hopefully one of those packages under the tree is filled with therapy coupons.
Aries: No one said life would be easy, but you would expect it to be a little less drippy. Fix the roof, housebreak the dog and buy some allergy meds. Or just take the Benadryl and sleep through the rest of your soggy day. Either way works, really.
Taurus: On Wednesday, you are energized, ambitious and brimming with determination…for about five seconds. Whew, that was exhausting. Better take a break and have a beer.
Gemini: Who says you can’t be everywhere at once? Hook all your friends up to the grapevine today, because you’re the topic of conversation. You could nip it in the bud or spread enough horseplotz to make it grow into something wild.
Cancer: No one has all the answers in life. If they did, they would be super annoying and would have no friends. Treasure your ignorance, it’s the only reason people can stand you.
Leo: It’s good to have goals, but when you stuff too many in one place, they start killing each other off like horror movie scream queens. Pick a couple to be the stars in your personal show and keep them away from chain saws.
Virgo: Inflexible? You have to steam yourself just to bend over. Prepare to boil a lot of water this weekend, because your attitude will be twisted into a crazy straw wrapped around a pretzel.
Libra: Go ahead, paint yourself blue, limbo under park benches and sing Cylon showtunes. If you can’t be the best, you can definitely be a finalist for the craziest.
Scorpio: The truth is all around you, and it’s very bitey. If you can’t put a muzzle on it, you can distract it with a large steak or a slow-running friend. Of course, you could face down the truth, but save that for a last resort.
Sagittarius: Everything’s coming up roses, but only if you can handle all the little pricks. If you get too thorny, you can always pucker up to some tulips.
Capricorn: Your best luck will happen at 1 p.m. Tuesday when a man in a green hat will ask you for a piece of gum. You’ll say no, and avoid being dragged into an international spy ring of chicken dancers. Go ahead, thank your lucky stars.
Aquarius: The key to life is inside a fake rock and lost in your backyard. Don’t worry, by the time you find it with a lawnmower, you’ll have changed the locks anyway. The neighbor might be pissed over his broken window, though.
Pisces: To everything there is a season, but when it’s snowing, you’re wearing flip flops. Coordinate your closet with the weather forecast this week, and you might end up in the right pants at the right time.
Aries: The only way you would follow your intuition is if it were wearing a short skirt and spiked heels. Listen to what that little voice is saying, and next time it won’t have to use the taser to get your attention.
Taurus: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and other times a rabid monkey swings in, kicks the pieces and smacks you with the game board. Stick with Words With Friends and you won’t have to remove a tiny metal car from your nostril again.
Gemini: When one door closes, another door opens. But if karma only slides the door a couple of inches to taunt you, put on your best biker boots and kick that sucker down.
Cancer: You receive a blessing in disguise, but you won’t know it until the fake mustache falls off. Give a tug on that wig, too, unless you want another surprise.
Leo: News flash: life is not perfect. It’s loud, rude, pees on the carpet, drinks your beer and uses your last five dollars to buy lottery tickets. But there’s also joy in that chaos, so loosen up before it tinkles on your other shoe.
Virgo: Yes, the play’s the thing, but you don’t always get to direct. Sometimes you have to be Peasant With Mole and shuffle in the background. Don’t worry, you’ll get the chance to wear a beret and be a total pain in the ass very soon.
Libra: To everything there is a season, but apparently idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.
Scorpio: It’s fine to chase your dreams. Once they buy a motorbike and zoom off, however, you’ll need to re-think your strategy. Offer up some gas money so you can share the ride.
Sagittarius: You’ll catch a break this week, but it won’t be easy. Wear gloves and use a net, because the lucky breaks bite. Karma kibbles or some bread crumbs will keep it happy enough to stay with you for a little while, too.
Capricorn: The best things in life are free: a child’s hug, a sunset, and watching your ex trip on the sidewalk. By the way, what are you going to do with the rest of those banana peels?
Aquarius: Other people float their dreams on the wind, but you twist yours into psychotic little balloon animals and train them to attack. If you can send them after people who forward those fake chain emails, you may have a business plan.
Pisces: You are the Slinky of the emotional world. You’re all bouncy and fun , but if someone pulls on you too hard, you’ll snap back and take off an ear. After that, you’ll be free to frolic down the stairs as you wish.
Aries: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but you have the chance to slip several in while no one’s looking this week. Cram in the positive karma so you won’t be a cricket or a Kardashian in your next life.
Taurus: Some days you don’t need all the answers, you only need to talk fast enough to keep people distracted. Warm up that motormouth and open your forgotten gift of gab.
Gemini: People think you’re quiet, but they don’t realize when you sit alone and look thoughtful, you’re just listening to all the voices in your head. On Tuesday, your dual nature will tag-team you out of a peculiar situation.
Cancer: Life is a buffet and you keep picking at a plate of croutons. Take a chance and try the salmon. Even if it doesn’t work, you meet new people in the bathroom while you deal with the food poisoning.
Leo: You think you’re just focused, but those around you feel like an ant under glass in the sun. Back up and listen on Thursday; someone else’s day in the sun shouldn’t disintegrate them.
Virgo: You must go through a lot of wrong steps to learn all the right moves, so shake that booty and put your own spin on Friday. Forget dancing like no one is watching; just dance like no one cares.
Libra: Each problem is a blessing to make you wiser. Watch out for Monday, because you’ll be blessed right off the map. On Tuesday, you’ll be smart enough to never do that again.
Scorpio: Ready for a change of pace? You’re about to go from a slow jog to a “oh-my-god-there’s-a-tiger-behind-me” run. Wear your track shoes and keep some kitty treats in your pocket.
Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the best, you only have to be good enough and annoying enough so people will want you yet leave you alone. That’s the true key to success.
Capricorn: If you were truly meant to fly, you would have been born with a birthmark in the shape of a boarding pass and a transparent skin so the TSA could see through you. Go ahead and take the bus, so you can meet all kinds of new, interesting and vaguely worrisome people.
Aquarius: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can keep your ex-spouses quiet. Enjoy your peace, even if you can’t afford a TV. There’s nothing on, anyway.
Pisces: You keep looking for something right around the corner. If you follow enough corners, you end up where you started. Quit obsessing about 90-degree angles and create your own triumph out in the open.
Aries: You’re concerned about your luck running out, and you shouldn’t be. It’s bad luck, of course, but there’s an endless supply, because you get a free mega-cup of it every time you do something stupid.
Taurus: Be glad you’re not a special little snowflake, because you would go up in a poof of smoke during this heat wave. There’s something to be said for being just one of the crowd: mainly, that no one can pick you out in a line-up.
Gemini: You don’t always get to pick your time to shine; sometimes it happens while you’re in the bathroom, or it could happen while you’re sleeping. If it’s the latter, at least you’re useful as a nightlight.
Cancer: Look for your good fortune to arrive on Saturday. It will be cunningly mislabeled in a box called “Hard Work and Sacrifice.” Most people never think to look there, so it’s overflowing.
Leo: There’s more to life than loving yourself; sometimes you need to know how much others love you, too. Passing out the surveys may have been a bit much, though. If you’re worried about it, just offer free beer at your birthday party.
Virgo: Before you starting kissing frogs to find your prince, think about what you’re doing to the amphibian community. Be selective about your pucker, otherwise they’ll name a strain of froggy herpes after you.
Libra: Reflection is good for the soul, but you’re not getting there by staring in the mirror constantly perfecting your ‘do. Go out of the house and do something that will muss up your hair. Do it soon because frankly, your reflection is sick of looking at you.
Scorpio: Work presents some challenges, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just remember to use a chair to hoist your butt on the copier so you won’t pull a muscle again, and lick only the donuts you want, not all of them, so you don’t sleep in a sugar coma under your desk.
Sagittarius: You know what you’re looking for, it’s just that stores don’t carry buckets large enough to contain your awesome. Make it a DIY project and donate an extra one as a hot tub for cranky bears. See? Awesome.
Capricorn: Some days you’re the bird, some days you’re the windshield. Today you’re the glass replacement specialist who needed a break. Thank goodness there are plenty of angry birds to go around.
Aquarius: You’re feeling hotter than a ring of power sinking into the lava of Mount Doom. Work that mojo, because you can’t be invisible any more, sweet thing.
Pisces: Some people love the roller coaster of life, while others prefer putting along on the teacup ride. You always find a park bench and settle in with a good book. Hey, sometimes the thrills of the imagination are enough.
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