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Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.
Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.
Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.
Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.
Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.
Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.
Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.
Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.
Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.
Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.
One week from today marks the release of the new Zombie Tarot deck by author Stacey Graham and artist Paul Kepple from Quirk Books, and we’re celebrating with a contest! You can win your own Zombie Tarot deck! Use it to freak out Muggles with a fortune-telling booth at the local P.T.O. fundraising fair or just enjoy doing your own readings with the coolest deck on the block.
It’s easy to enter: just share a zombie apocalypse survival tip in the comments below. Each tip is one entry, although if your tip is truly original and funny, you’ll get a bonus entry. You can also score additional entries by tweeting about the contest and mentioning that tweet below.
The deadline for entries is midnight PST, Tuesday, June 5. U.S. residents only, since I’m shipping this bad boy out myself. A winner will be selected at random from all entries, so the more you have, the better your chances! The winner will receive an unopened Zombie Tarot deck, so hardcore tarot fans don’t have to worry about receiving a previously reviewed or handled deck.
Ready to win? Bring on those zombie survival tips!
Angie Mansfield, for her entry packed with enough bad jokes to make even a zombie wipe his eyes. Congratulations, Angie! I’ll contact you privately to get your info to our gracious sponsor, Stacey Graham of Zombie Dating Guide fame.
Our judge also passed along an Honorable Mention to Bill Mullis, for his romantic hole-in-the-head horoscope! Yay Bill! Enjoy the warm fuzzies of the undead.
Thanks to all the talented, funny folks who entered the Zombie Horoscope Contest, you’re all winners in my book! Yes, really. Whenever WZ makes it to the page, each and every one of you will have your own secret horoscope listed.
And thanks again to Stacey and the Zombie Dating Guide for making this contest possible!
Today’s special Zombie Week feature is an interview with Lyle Perez-Tinics, editor of “The Undead That Saved Christmas,” a zombie holiday anthology, and creator of the Undead in the Head book review site. With so many zombie books out there, what makes this one different? Proceeds from the book will go to the Hugs Foster Family Agency, where funds are needed to buy Christmas gifts for foster kids. Sometimes zombies and warm fuzzies are just in the stars. And now, the WZ three-question interview:
1. Do zombies have lucky days?
Yes they do, but I don’t think they would grasp the concept. Since zombies are driven by instinct, I don’t think they would be superstitious. If a zombie gets shot in the head but the bullet doesn’t destroy its brain, I would consider that lucky.
2. What’s the biggest danger the undead face at Christmas time?
I would say the biggest danger undead face during Christmas is if there is a White Christmas. Everyone knows that zombies freeze during winter. Since they have no blood pumping through them they can’t stay warm.
3. What’s the perfect holiday gift for zombies under any zodiac sign?
The best holiday gift for a zombie would be my new book, “The Undead That Saved Christmas.” Net proceeds from my book will help provide Christmas present for foster kids at Hugs Foster Family Agency. “The Undead That Saved Christmas” is an anthology of short stories, poems and comics, all have tied it the magic of Christmas with the terror of zombies. There are also many rich illustrations from various artists. I myself wrote an original story that is part of this book. My target release date is Oct. 1, 2010. The book will be available through CreateSpace.com, Amazon.com and I will also be selling signed copies through my site, www.UndeadintheHead.com. This truly is the perfect gift for any zombie this holiday season.
Also, for the little zombie kids, I am writing a children novelette entitled, “Laidenn, The Dark Elf.” Since “The Undead That Saved Christmas” is targeted toward adults, I didn’t want to leave the little zombie kids without something to read this holiday season. This book will be available through the same channels as “The Undead That Saved Christmas” and will be released early November.
Don’t forget to become a fan of The Undead That Saved Christmas on Facebook.
Take off that eye patch and stash the peg leg; pirate day is over and it’s time for a whole week of ripe zombie fun. Today we’re kicking off Zombie Week on Wisecrack Zodiac with author and zombie queen Stacey Graham, creator of the Zombie Dating Guide website and featured author in two new anthologies: “Hungry For Your Love,” coming out next week, and “The Undead That Saved Christmas,” to be released on Oct. 1. She’s fast, funny and a very talented writer, so enjoy the interview and drop by tomorrow for the details in the Zombie Horoscope Contest. Why? Because the prize will be a copy of the new zombie romance anthology, “Hungry For Your Love!”
And now, three Wisecrack Zodiac questions for the lady pulls all the strings…er, ligaments, Stacey Graham.
1. What sign do most zombies fall under?
Zombies fall under all signs, really. Our depth perception is a little iffy making it difficult to navigate around Yield and Stop signs so crashing headfirst into a sign isn’t unheard of by any means. The “Zombies Ahead” signs are particularly helpful, however, we have a heads up (get it?) to where we’re going because most of us forget our invitations to the Feeding Frenzy. Stupid zombies.
2. If a zombie Leo breaks up with a zombie Aries, who keeps the spare parts ripped off in heat of passion/arguments?
An Undead Aries will always outsmart a zombie Leo. Then again, carpet fluff would probably outsmart a zombie Leo so that’s no big accomplishment, is it? Leos are too busy making pouty faces in the mirror at themselves to notice what an Aries is doing unless they touch its hair. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong. Undead Leos have been known to rip off the scalps off humans whose hair they admire and wear their heads as hats. Be on the safe side while around zombies, ponytail that bitch up for the day.
3. What do the undead look for in a love match?
First of all, we don’t like the word “match.” It brings up too many, shall we say, unpleasant memories. Sure, everyone’s having a good time with the ripping and the tearing of flesh, we don’t even stop if someone loses an eye (your mother DID warn you about that so stop being a baby) but some zombies just don’t know when to say when. It only takes a minute to re-enact Quest for Fire and the whole damn place goes up. Wait. What were we talking about again?
Thanks for those fiery insights into the zombie mind, Stacey! And now for the shameless promotion:
Undead Fred and his mouthpiece, Stacey Graham, can be found staggering at The Zombie Dating Guide [http://zombiedatingguide.com] and betwixt and between [http://staceyigraham.com] generally being a nuisance to people with zombie dating tips and assorted nonsense. Stacey’s short story, “Eye of the Beholder,” is featured in the zombie romance anthology “Hungry For Your Love,” releasing in bookstores September 28, 2010, and in the zombie-themed Christmas anthology, “The Undead That Saved Christmas,: where elves doo-doo that voodoo they do so well in “And To All a Good Fright.”
WZ note: Stacey will also be a panel speaker at Seattle’s ZomBCon 2010 over the Halloween weekend, so drop by and say hello!
September 20-25 will be Zombie Week here at Wisecrack Zodiac! Special events include:
- Interview with Stacey Graham, creator of the Zombie Dating Guide website and featured author in the upcoming Hungry For Your Love zombie romance anthology and The Undead That Saved Christmas anthology
- A Zombie Horoscope Contest sponsored by Stacey and the Zombie Dating Guide! Winner of the funniest, snarkiest forecast for the undead receives a copy of Hungry For Your Love!
- Interview with Lyle Perez, creator of the Undead in the Head website and editor of The Undead That Saved Christmas
It will be a ghoulishly fun week, so practice those ‘scopes!