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Aries: Instead of taking action, you’re dragging your feet. Expect a nasty shock on Thursday when you finally trudge across the deep pile carpet and open a door.

Taurus: You don’t walk in quiet beauty as much as you skitter in static disarray. Go find your other sock, take your underwear down off the ceiling fan and tackle the day ahead.

Gemini: There’s a treasure out in the open, and you’re the only one who spots it. Be cool, and try to restrain yourself from dancing in the streets. You can let out all that excited shrieking after you’ve scooped up that gold and made it your own.

Cancer: While everyone else is climbing Mount Everest, you’re the only one with a jetpack. Give them all a headstart before you fire it up and zoom up to collect your prize.

Leo: You don’t want the answers given to you on a silver platter, but you’re not adverse to Karma dropping a few hints on a paper plate. Treat Wednesday like a picnic, and the Universe will give you more than a scoop of potato salad.

Virgo: Don’t worry about being a diamond in the rough; you’re more like a cubic zirconia on sale at Target. You’ll still shine, you’ll just have an afterlife on eBay instead of getting pawned.

Libra: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Scorpio: The path ahead isn’t easy, but you’re okay with making progress while cleaning up someone else’s mess. Just remember to yell “What? Am I the only one in this office who knows how to change the toilet paper?” so everyone knows your worth.

Sagittarius: Some days you want to go where everyone knows your name, other days you want to eat your soup in peace. Try taking it on the bus; no one wants to be close to your zebra-butt and leek stew there.

Capricorn: A watched pot never boils, but it does seethe with teenage angst and rebel because it think you don’t trust it enough. If the pot stomps out of the house to spend time with its friends, be glad you still have the skillet.

Aquarius: Everyone needs a hand occasionally, but you didn’t expect so many middle fingers. Next time, just high-five them and leave them to grouse about it on Facebook.

Pisces: You’ve been paralyzed by fear so often, you have a cramp in your foot and a charley horse in your brain. Take a deep breath and a tiny step forward. It will all come back to you as soon as the pins and needles stop.

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Aries: You were the talk of Thanksgiving dinner when you decided to use up all the uneaten Halloween candy corn by mixing it in the stuffing. In the future, your family will refer to it as “the time we all had our stomachs pumped together.”

Taurus: Black Friday is tough when you sober up and discover that instead of a “Frozen” Barbie from Toys R Us, you bought a knockoff Barbie with real stripper pole action from Spencer’s. At least you’ll have a present under the tree.

Gemini: When your relatives get on your nerves, breathe and remember the small blessings of the holiday. Also, the fact that the cat has probably rubbed its butt on everyone’s pillows.

Cancer: You get an urgent text while putting up the decorations this weekend and forget about the air hose blowing up the inflatable figures. Instead of a Grinch holding gifts, you end up with Shrek and he’s really happy to see you. Deflate and try again before the calls pour in from the neighbors.

Leo: You’re suddenly feeling a tremendous amount of holiday spirit. Could be gratitude for all you have, or it could be that Grandma used two whole bottles of liquor in the rum cake. Either way, you’re glowing.

Virgo: Don’t panic when you realize you accidentally donated all the Christmas decorations to Goodwill this summer, just declare that you’re celebrating Festivus instead. If you’re going to hear everyone complaining, might as well make a holiday of it.

Libra: Give thanks for all the good things in life on Thursday, such as not having to see Kim Kardashian’s naked butt all over television and your computer monitor this year. Thanks, 2015!

Scorpio: Your plan to escape dish duty after the big meal and lose yourself in football is almost successful until your uncle Melvin sits down. After he farts the National Anthem, scraping plates doesn’t sound so bad.

Sagittarius: All’s fair in love and war, and Black Friday is a bit of both. Remember, using your taser is bad form unless someone steals a TV from your cart. In that case, zap away.

Capricorn: No one knows you hid the extra pumpkin pie under your bed until your ferret rushes out and starts vomiting all over the family card game, forcing all your relatives to leave. Good ferret.

Aquarius: Feeling lonely this weekend? You’re never alone on the Internet. Snarf down some Chinese food while you argue with people about Donald Trump on Periscope and you’ll have the full Turkey Day experience.

Pisces: When someone yells about boycotting a Friday shopping trip, agree with them and celebrate the holiday as you prefer: chasing them around with bottle rockets leftover from July 4th. That’s so much more satisfying than a great deal on a tablet.

Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.

Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.

Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.

Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.

Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.

Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.

Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.

Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.

Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.

Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.

Aquarius:  Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.

Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.

Aries: Your guilt squishes you down like a bacon press into a hot pan. Make amends for your wrongheadedness before you start to pop and sizzle in a pool of fat and regret.

Taurus: You want to be a better person, if only it didn’t take so much actual work. Give a cheer if you have the energy, because a shortcut to sainthood will pop up on Friday. Take it and you’ll be someone’s  hero of the day.

Gemini: There’s an entire world outside your own head, so quit pacing in your brain’s living room and get some exercise. But take a jacket, it’s chilly out there.

Cancer: You feel like a pretty, pretty princess. The universe doesn’t care whether you’re a lumberjack or ballerina, so slap on that tiara, fluff out that ball gown and work it, honey.

Leo: Some days open like a budding flower, others snap like a cranky crocodile. Practice those fast reactions and stay on your toes, or you could lose a few.

Virgo: Everything isn’t always about you; sometimes it’s just slightly about you. The only thing that would make staring into your belly button more exciting is if there’s a webcam embedded in it. You may not be the lead actor in the play today but you’ll probably steal the show anyway.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drums, but you skip along to the sound of a mad hornet caught in a soda can. Keep it up, because sometimes rhythm is overrated.

Scorpio: You can look for the beauty in each moment, but you’re likely to end up with a bunch of pimply, irregular minutes in your day. Gloss them over with a great attitude, some pancake makeup and a three-martini lunch. Everything looks better after that.

Sagittarius: No one’s asking you to be the best, because they know you too well. Try to keep your body parts attached, the car upright and the house in one piece, and you can consider yourself a success.

Capricorn: It would be easier to let a little light into your life if you didn’t have the shades duct-taped to the wall. Make the tiniest effort toward hope and the universe will be so surprised, it will reward you.

Aquarius: Shake up your routine and adopt a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome. Not only will you be a pet rescuer, the P.T.O. meetings will never be boring again.

Pisces: Rise to the occasion on Wednesday and face the storm front. You’ll find out most storms are just gusts of hot air and short bursts of crocodile tears. This one will pass so fast, Jim Cantore wouldn’t even put on a windbreaker for it.

Regular readers may have noticed that the horoscopes weren’t updated for a few weeks. Sorry about that, but we lost our home in a fire a month ago, so things have been chaotic and surreal. But we’re doing okay, thanks to family and friends around the world, and I’m able to finally write again. Stay tuned for your Christmas/Festivus/holiday horoscopes in just a few minutes. No matter what your WZ forecast says, I hope you all have a lovely holiday. 🙂

Wisecrack Zodiac is more than a web site, it’s also a newspaper column printed weekly on actual paper.  This weekend, Wisecrack Zodiac won second place in the 2013 National Society of Newspaper Columnists writing competition! The category is in the Humor:Newspapers With Circulation under 50,000, and I don’t know which excites me more: the win itself, or that the judge called WZ’s humor “rude, crude and socially on the edge.”

Thank you to the NSNC, the judges and of course, you lovely readers! You’re the real reason I do this every week.

Aries: An office-mate is so annoying, you want to slap them like a cheap snooze alarm. Hold the smackdown and just tell them how much the boss enjoys hearing about their grandchildren. Nature will take its course.

Taurus: You’re no stranger to the land of love, but it’s been awhile since you had your passport stamped. Try some new phrases on this journey, like “Have you lost weight?” and “More wine?”

Gemini: A good magician never tells his secrets, but you have some tricks so awesome, people around the house think you’re Gandalf.  You can spill the beans if you want, but silence will boost your reputation and make you a love god. So, yeah, keep quiet.

Cancer: Following your dreams sounds nice, until you realize dreams don’t come with GPS. Make a plan, plot your trip and tell your dreams to get in the back and watch TV until you reach your destination.

Leo: A life well lived doesn’t have to be pedal-to-the-metal, 120 MPH every day. A nice day cruise calms the soul, and it’s far easier on your undercarriage if the road gets bumpy. Slow down before you get whacked right in the oil pan.

Virgo: You adore precision. Stopping on a dime? That’s for losers; you can pivot on a pixel if needed. Good thing you have skills, because Thursday you may need the turning radius of a crop circle to fix a situation.

Libra: The best-laid plans of mice and men go awry, which is why you never hire rodents as wedding planners or send a male to the mall. On Wednesday, suit up and do a difficult task yourself. It may not end up perfect, but it will get done with a minimum of farting or squeaking.

Scorpio: Tired of feeling crumpled in a corner at the end of the week? On Saturday, you’re a clean sheet of paper, and you’ll meet someone with the perfect-sized pen. Oh! That tickles.

Sagittarius: Magic is where you find it. So what if your unicorn is someone else’s pony who faceplanted on an ice cream cone? Enjoy a few illusions; they often provide some cozy shag carpeting over the cold floor of reality.

Capricorn: Every now and then, you get what you want. Don’t consider it a reward from the universe, though. It’s mainly to make you lower your guard for the next kick to the crotch. Maybe some of your good fortune should go toward a cup.

Aquarius: Life is a funny thing, packed with puns and knock-knock jokes. On Thursday you’ll finally catch one of the punchlines. After the laugh, be prepared to apologize to makers of strawberry jam, some chickens and your high school P.E. coach.

Pisces: Your imagination isn’t just overactive, it has ripped abs and buns of steel. You’ll have an opportunity to show it off in some form-fitting Daisy Dukes this week, so get ready for the whistles.

Aries: Leave no stone unturned, and all you’ll have are pissed-off worms. Set your sights higher, because very few wild geese travel by bus.

Taurus: The new year is filled with ups and downs, but you have a saddle and you’re ready to ride, thanks to that copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ under your Christmas tree. Yee-hah!

Gemini: Something isn’t going your way, but don’t let the turkeys get you down, especially since they have mean roundhouse kicks and a vicious upper cut. Whip out your ninja fighting skills and you’ll have turkey sandwiches for weeks.

Cancer: Chin up, Tuesday will be a brighter day, thanks to that new 12-pack of light bulbs you just bought. Gather all your lamps in one room and pretend you’re sunning on the beach.  You’ll be nice and relaxed until the electric bill comes in.

Leo: The old saying is “Stop and smell the roses,” not “mow them down with a weedwhacker.” Get more rest, less caffeine, and avoid flower shops for a while. Or at least that one.

Virgo: Not every answer is blowing in the wind. Some are tied up in tree branches, and a few never even left the house. Go back in, make some hot chocolate and put your feet up. Answers tend to skitter out when you least expect it.

Libra: No personal problem is so great that it can’t be lightened by laughing at someone else. Chances are you know a few idiots, but if you don’t, there’s always Lindsay Lohan or Justin Bieber.

Scorpio: Your issue at work will be solved when someone finally figures out where the boss hid that USB drive. Problem is, no one wants to go in and get it. If you have latex gloves and a desire for promotion, this could be your chance.

Sagittarius: Sometimes the world doesn’t make any sense; that’s why the Universe gave us humor and beer. Toast the unknown and realize your memories are all written on the backs of smudged napkins and stapled to the stars above.

 Capricorn: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. At least your new track suit resists gravy stains.

Aquarius: In truth there is beauty, but that little white lie looks pretty good when it shakes its booty at you. Keep yourself zipped up, because tomorrow morning that cute fib will be a hairy, hungover monster.

Pisces: Multi-tasking? Please. Just tasking itself doesn’t come easy to you. Still, haul yourself up and bake a few pies. If you have a finger in all of them, the sugar rush will keep up your momentum.

 

Aries: Life is like a shopping cart: sometimes it’s smooth sailing, but most days, all you notice is the rough ride and the squeaky wheel. Quit trying to drive it and just let it go where it wants, even if it means you end up sprawled in the middle of a Spongebob display.

Taurus: You’re feeling more out of place than Lindsey Lohan at a think tank. Instead of running for the hills, why not try to learn a few things while you’re among new friends? If you can’t be smarter, at least make your tweets sound more intelligent.

Gemini: You’ll hear everything you desire on Wednesday: the pregnancy test is “no”, the job offer is “yes”, and the hair transplant is a “maybe.” All you need now is for that miffed penguin to drop the charges, and you’re golden.

Cancer: Love isn’t for the timid. It’s squishy, frustrating, spills wine on your clothes and takes the covers at night. But it’s definitely better than spending every night in the My Little Pony chatroom with a 7-foot-tall, hairy dude who calls himself Charlene Sparklenuts.

Leo: If you want to conquer the world, learn how to delegate. Most supervillains fail because they don’t have enough henchmen. Start now with just a couple of goons and work your way up.

Virgo: Feeling scattered? Finding your center is overrated. Just locate your upper left or slightly off-center right. Sometimes that’s enough to balance your warped perspective.

Libra: The truth will set you free, but it doesn’t want you following it home and sleeping on the foot of the bed. Become your own person instead of waiting for truth to drop a French fry during dinner.

Scorpio: You’re clamoring for a happy ending, but who says the story should end? Grab that masseuse and make a weekend of it in Vegas. You won’t know how the story ends, but you can guess by the glitter and cigar ash in your navel that you had a good time.

Sagittarius: You can’t take an inflatable doll home for Thanksgiving again. Remember the incident with the carving knife? Get out and meet new people. Sure, they talk a lot more than fake people, but you also don’t have to worry about stray toothpicks.

Capricorn: There’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed with a little duct tape, some WD-40 and years of therapy with a licensed professional.  Until you can save up for that, watch a few seasons of Dr. Phil and stay out of everyone’s hair.

Aquarius: You’re wearing your best 80s headband, a neon yellow tracksuit and light-up Mickey Mouse shoes. You may not win the race, but at least you’ll keep everyone entertained along the way, especially if you try those deep knee bends again.

Pisces: There are things worth fighting for, but you can find lots of pleasant hobbies that won’t get you kneecapped in the subway. If you insist on knitting a sweater vest for your dog, know how to defend yourself with those needles.

Jill Fazio! Congratulations, Jill, you’ve won the Zombie Tarot deck! We had so many wonderful entries, plus several very funny ones that made me laugh out loud. Mr. Random of Random.org picked Jill’s number, so Jill, email me at wisecrackzodiac (at) gmail dot com with your post address and I’ll get the deck out to you! Thanks again, everyone! Keep reading, because we’ll have another contest for Halloween with a sweet prize package of goodies. 🙂

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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