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Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Photo credit: Flickr: nrbelex

Since 2010 Dragon*Con is coming up soon, it’s the perfect time for some Klingon horoscopes. So pour some bloodwine, get comfy, and see what the week has in store!

Saturday: Today is a good day to die. Or to recite some love poetry. Either way, you could be screwed.

Sunday: Spend some time unwinding with fresh gagh and stale opera. No, there will not be any fighting for glory on this day, so don’t get your forehead in a bunch; this week will challenge you quite well.

Monday: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Expect to gain much strength in line at the DMV today.

Tuesday: Your foe will challenge your authority over the photocopier. Sharpen your bat’leth and prepare for battle.

Wednesday: A date night goes wrong when you and your mate have different definitions of ‘polishing the torpedo.’ Not everyone has a strict weapons maintenance schedule like you, so make up by breaking a few walls together.

Thursday: You see an opportunity for advancement, but be warned: the Klingon way of promotion is only approved on this world for bankers, lawyers and politicians. And extremely annoying celebrities.

Friday: Your friend requests on QaplaBook are piling up fast because everyone wants you around when the zombie apocalypse comes. They know that throwing zombies at a Klingon is like sticking a hot dog in a window fan. When it all goes down, keep your blades sharp and let the parts fly.

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