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Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Photo credit: Flickr: nrbelex

Since 2010 Dragon*Con is coming up soon, it’s the perfect time for some Klingon horoscopes. So pour some bloodwine, get comfy, and see what the week has in store!

Saturday: Today is a good day to die. Or to recite some love poetry. Either way, you could be screwed.

Sunday: Spend some time unwinding with fresh gagh and stale opera. No, there will not be any fighting for glory on this day, so don’t get your forehead in a bunch; this week will challenge you quite well.

Monday: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Expect to gain much strength in line at the DMV today.

Tuesday: Your foe will challenge your authority over the photocopier. Sharpen your bat’leth and prepare for battle.

Wednesday: A date night goes wrong when you and your mate have different definitions of ‘polishing the torpedo.’ Not everyone has a strict weapons maintenance schedule like you, so make up by breaking a few walls together.

Thursday: You see an opportunity for advancement, but be warned: the Klingon way of promotion is only approved on this world for bankers, lawyers and politicians. And extremely annoying celebrities.

Friday: Your friend requests on QaplaBook are piling up fast because everyone wants you around when the zombie apocalypse comes. They know that throwing zombies at a Klingon is like sticking a hot dog in a window fan. When it all goes down, keep your blades sharp and let the parts fly.

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