You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘2015’ category.

Aries: Tuesday is a great day for new adventures, such as a bike trip, hike to a waterfall or cleaning out the fridge to see what’s making that growling noise when the light goes off. Hint: it’s the seven-month-old tuna salad.

Taurus: You think you’re headed for a home run, but you haven’t even left the dugout. Work on your moves. If that doesn’t fly, work on your begging and you just might make it to second base.

Gemini: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it so deliver that bad news on Friday with finger guns, tongue clicks and an occasional eye twitch. The other person will be too confused to get angry.

Cancer: Your days will be merry and bright only if you get your calendar drunk and hold it next to a Yule log. Don’t worry, the new year looks much better, especially since you can’t see it clearly due to that hangover.

Leo:  You can do great things when you set your mind to it, but your half-assed projects are pretty cool, too. Blow someone’s mind this week by doing something impossible while watching an infomercial and texting the iTunes terms and conditions.

Virgo: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that’s only because you haven’t found someone really hard to rub up against. Find your whetstone and make some friction.

Libra: If your sweetie says they’re never gonna give you up and never gonna let you down, look closely. You may be dating a YouTube video. At least you have someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, and you might even get a quick Rickroll in the hay.

Scorpio: Not all answers can be revealed; some are hidden better than Charlie Sheen’s common sense. Look for the truths wearing underwear, not just a tube top and a smile.

Sagittarius: Sometimes life throws tiny purple hippos at your head and never tells you why. Don’t pout and ask “Why me?” Collect those little darlings and start a Purple Hippo Rescue Ranch. You don’t need the universe’s permission to do good.

Capricorn: There’s beauty in a flower, unless it’s being shoved up your nose at 5 a.m. by a toddler. You really need to put a lock on the bedroom door before you wake up and sneeze Apple Jacks.

Aquarius: Whenever you feel truly alone, know this truth: if you’ve gone outside the house today, you’re probably in at least five selfies of other people. Thanks to Instagram, you’re more popular than you realize.

Pisces: You’re so experienced at hanging in there, baby, you can tell the kitty in the poster to take a vacation. You got this.

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Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you’re the one with a mop. Don’t worry that you’re missing the spotlight, just think of all the dirt you can collect on those wannabe divas.

Taurus: Wanting to be secure is a sane choice, but the tinfoil hat is not. Relax, the bogeyman has problems of his own, he has no time to fulfill your paranoid fantasies.

Gemini: You have a 1000-watt smile and a 5-watt brain this week. Don’t let your mouth get you in over your head, let those grey cells enjoy a bit of rest. Just don’t kill them off with the 2-for-1 margarita night.

Cancer: It’s great to be compassionate, but no matter what the posters say, you can’t always change the world overnight. Focus on what you can change, such as your underwear or the outcome of The Voice.

Leo: You want to be Andy Griffith, but your day ends up in a Barney Fife tizzy. Learn to laugh at yourself or you’ll develop a nervous twitch and delusions of backwoods grandeur.

Virgo: Scratch off that cosmic ticket, because you won this week’s Wheel of Luck! Redeem your luck at a participating Karmic station and be glad you didn’t win the Wheel of Fish.

Libra:Follow through on those instincts this Wednesday. You have business savvy and style to spare, so no matter what happens, your butt is covered. And covered beautifully, we might add.

Scorpio: Your ship has come in, and it’s a pirate’s dream. Shake that ill-gotten booty and flash your treasure chest for a chance to walk someone else’s plank.

Sagittarius: Thursday makes you crabbier than a Yeti after a bikini wax. Take a deep breath and rip off the big, hairy deal bothering you. The truth may sting, but you’ll walk normally in a few days.

Capricorn: Some people turn their lives into masterpieces, but yours has become a low-budget B movie. Work on your casting and whip up some special effects. With a little effort, you could be the next Sharknado.

Aquarius: Watch your step; you’re not on the yellow brick road, you’ve just wandered into a path filled with yellow snow. Next time, wear your glasses and you won’t mistake a giant poodle for the mayor of Oz.

Pisces: Your ideas have dribbled through for a while, but now you’ve struck a gusher. Remember that not everyone is riding the wild imagination truck with you, so be nice and don’t turn the fire hose on them. You can let them pet the Dalmatian, though.

 

Aries: Some days you’re the star of your own show, other days you’re just a face in the ensemble. Square up those Spanx, kiddo, because you finally get your close-up on Friday. Play your cards right, and you won’t get bumped off for a younger, hipper character.

Taurus: Love makes the world go round, but passion causes it to quiver on its axis. Find what makes you whirl, be it man, woman or sexy pizza rat. Just don’t choose Pokemon cards again, your parents are embarrassed enough as it is.

Gemini: Life is for the living, which is handy, because zombies really don’t care. Go out and show off those curves in a glitter tube top and bike shorts. The undead can’t make fun of you, they’re all staring at their phones.

Cancer: You know what you want, it’s time to go and get it. Don’t worry, the universe knows how you are and is sending you a coupon for it. Destiny is great, but a good deal is even better.

Leo: Be cool when your dreams come true this week, unless it’s the one about Benedict Cumberbatch and the jar of Nutella. In that case, feel free to squeal out loud. Everyone will understand.

Virgo: No matter how hard you try, you can’t run like the wind. The breeze has no feet. Grab a jet pack and chase the wind on its own turf, just watch out for tornadoes and the occasional bird strike.

Libra: Your boss has a Woody for efficiency, but that’s okay, because filing gives you a great Buzz. Maybe you two should meet after hours and discuss your Toy Story addiction while no one else is around.

Scorpio: It’s good that your job keeps you on your toes, even if it does make you walk funny. At least when you step in dog poop, it’s easier to clean off your shoe.

Sagittarius: Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. They can laugh all they want at your failures, as long as they pay to see them. Just wave at the crowds when you pass by in your Cadillac, right before you crash it into a Wienermobile.

Capricorn: When life kicks you in the butt, turn around and demand “Who made you the boss of me?” After it bashes you in the face a few times, buy it a beer and steal its wallet while it isn’t looking.

Aquarius: Be brave, be smart, be bold, and you’ll end up the most boring person at the Christmas party. Grab that lampshade and give yourself something to regret on Instagram tomorrow.

Pisces: Even when things are going your way, they take Apple Maps to get there. Hang on tight, unless you have to dodge traffic.

Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.

Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.

Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.

Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.

Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.

Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.

Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.

Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.

Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.

Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.

Aquarius:  Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.

Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.

Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.

Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.

Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.

Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.

Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.

Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.

Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.

Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.

Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.

Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.

Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor.  Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.

Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.

Aries: You think you’re bad, but you’re not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If anything, you’re a ferret dressed like a hedgehog: rather prickly and able to squirm out of any situation. At least that comes in handy during political debates at the dinner table.

Taurus: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because you’re the one who set the alarm on your phone while you were drunk last night. It’s your own fault if you wake up to that Nickelback ringtone.

Gemini: Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, mainly because no one’s going to pay you to dress up your hamsters and take selfies all day. Maybe you should try to love accounting or customer service instead.

Cancer: Sometimes the answer to your deepest, darkest question isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s “What? Get away from me! Who are you? Help, police!” Probably best to not ask those things during the PTA meeting.

Leo: In a sea of laughter you’re stuck on an isthmus of pain. Time to break out the life raft and float to happier waters before you turn into a real-life frowny face emoji.

Virgo: Tuesday is like a snowglobe: it looks so pretty until someone shakes it too hard and it springs a leak. Next time, be more concerned about who handles your globes.

Libra: Whatever your problem is, you can lick it. Unless your problem is a frog with psychedelic oils on its skin. If that happens, you won’t worry about the frog or the big presentation you have at 3 pm with the new client.

Scorpio: Nothing expresses your love like a plate of barbecue, a six-pack of beer and the promise that you’ll leave them alone for a few hours. They get fed, and you can finally catch up on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Everyone wins.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about dieting, you look fabulous. It’s the holiday season so if your butt gets out of control from pumpkin pie and shortbread cookies, you can slip on a big green sweater and save money on a Christmas tree.

Capricorn: Your million-dollar idea goes bust after you discover that a website about life hacks doesn’t actually involve a machete. Don’t worry, you’ll come up with another scheme as soon as you make bail.

Aquarius: The best you can be is inside, but it’s buried really deep and the shrink-wrap is hard to peel off. For now, just be who you are until you get a metal detector and some longer thumbnails.

Pisces: Sometimes your creativity is a trickle, other times it’s a fire hose. Right now it’s one of those boy-peeing-in-a-fountain water features, so at least it’s useful and entertaining at the same time.

Aries: Things are going your way on Thursday, but don’t expect a limo. The most you’ll get for that hitchhiking thumb is a clown car unless you hike up those khakis and show some skin.

Taurus: Beauty surrounds you, but it’s not there to inspire, it just wants to shake you down for your lunch money. Hand it over before beauty smacks you right in the eye of the beholder.

Gemini: It’s fine to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, as long as you don’t step in dog poop. Otherwise, someone will be really pissed when they open their closet door tomorrow.

Cancer: There’s no accounting for taste, so you’re not expected to pay those fines from the fashion police. Feel free to spend that cash on yourself as long as you don’t buy more denim pantsuits or platform flip-flops.

Leo: Slow and steady may win the race, but it never impresses the chicks. Strut your fast and flashy self; all those ooohs and aaaaahs will make you feel more like a winner than any goofy trophy or horseshoe of roses.

Virgo: Quit whining about taking two steps back for every step forward. At least you’re in the right game. You could be like that poor sap to your left, who’s on a fast downward spiral in Chutes and Ladders.

Libra: You have a big day on Monday, so put your best foot forward in a strappy sandal with some toe glitter and you’ll win the day. Your worst foot should be kept in a ratty old tennis shoe. Sure, you’ll walk funny but you’ll feel fabulous.

Scorpio: Be careful when you do unto others as you want them to do unto you. Not everyone likes those leopard print handcuffs and leather dickeys. Whip out the plain missionary good deeds for the office and save those kinky untos for Saturday night.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the mouse, other days you’re the cheese. Either way, you’re not getting out of the maze so you go ahead and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Capricorn: You have a problem that’s harder to shake than a dryer sheet down the leg of your corduroy pants. You can strip down the situation and take a good look, but make sure your office door is closed first.

Aquarius: You can be part of the solution or part of the problem, but life’s far more entertaining if you’re part of the audience watching it all with a smirk and a bowl of popcorn.

Pisces: Everyone’s moving full steam ahead and you can’t even get a puff of smoke out of your big toe. Relax and work at your own pace; at least you won’t be sweaty when you cross the finish line.

Aries: Don’t complain about the breeze between your knees if you’re wearing a kilt in a wind tunnel. Some things you bring on yourself, like chapped butt cheeks.

Taurus: It’s not easy admitting you’re wrong, but it’s even more difficult to give a TED talk on the physics of blindfolded pole dancing.  If you’re limber and smart enough, great. If not, just hope your pasties stay in place.

Gemini: Karma isn’t just slipping you a goody bag of opportunities, it’s dragging a Santa-sized sack to your door.  Whatever you had to kiss to get there, it was worth it.

Cancer: You can make a statement without saying a word, and every eye will have a tear. Maybe next time you’ll rely on your soulful gaze instead of the five-alarm cabbage chili you had at lunch.

Leo: When the prize is at the bottom of the cereal box, you just turn it upside down and open it up. On Wednesday, quit flipping your Count Chocula and eat the whole box first, like a normal person. The sugar rush is part of the fun.

Virgo: If you knew Victoria’s secret, you would tell it. You’re in a chatty mood, so warn people upfront to not share military intelligence or the color of their underwear with you unless they want it on Instagram.

Libra: Work has been awkward since the incident with the canned spaghetti and the photocopier. Make amends by replenishing the office’s paper towel stash and promising to never interrupt the boss’ three-way in the supply room again.

Scorpio: Life is a parade, and you’re stuck with a broom, walking behind the horses. Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer.

Sagittarius: A single moment on Thursday leaves you breathless and light-headed. A toddler jumping from the couch onto your chest will do that. Maybe you should find a different place to practice your yoga.

Capricorn: Autumn leaves are falling from the trees, and the bare limbs bring some clarity to the neighborhood. Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show.

Aquarius: You know the answer before someone asks the question, and now you’re the go-to guru for sage wisdom. That’s good, because “what kind of dress should you put on a monkey for a first date” isn’t something Google is equipped to handle.

Pisces: You have moments of serene inner peace, punctuated by long stretches of seizing panic. You can decide to not sweat the small stuff or ask the doctor to up your meds. Either way, life is more pleasant.

Aries: You’re between a rock and a hard place. The seating isn’t that comfy, but the view is tremendous. Take a deep breath and enjoy the scenery before you shimmy through the cracks to escape.

Taurus: Not everyone has your incredible looks, sparkling wit and ability for self-delusion. Take pity on the little people and regale them with your supposed awesomeness. If they fall asleep during your chat, just wake them up with an elbow to the ribs.

Gemini: The road less traveled is peaceful, but there are no decent restaurants where you can buy pie. Follow the beaten path for a good meal, and save the wild roaming until you’re ready to live on granola bars and turkey jerky.

Cancer: You have the opportunity to make someone’s day. Do it with jazz hands and fabulousness instead of straight-on, Clint Eastwood style. If you can manage Eastwood jazz hands, give that a try, too.

Leo: Life is a garden, so stop and smell the flowers instead of kicking dirt over the zinnias. Not everything can come up roses but the wild blooms are just as sweet, as long as you don’t eat them.

Virgo: On Tuesday you’ll see a man about a ferret. Make him your friend, because the ferret has better health insurance and 401K than you do, thanks to his cute YouTube channel.

Libra: You want to shine brightly into the world, but somehow you just can’t switch it on. Check your batteries; you may have them installed backward or your contacts could be rusty. Have someone tug on your rear coil and see if that does the trick.

Scorpio: The right words come at the wrong time on Friday, so instead of impressing that hottie, you’ll probably just creep them out. Next time, write your pick-up lines before you order tequila.

Sagittarius: In every life, a little rain must fall. Your problem isn’t a gentle shower, though, it’s a torrential downpour of frogs and blue ice from airplanes. Hide inside for a few days until the world calms down.

Capricorn: Never give up, never surrender! Unless, of course, giving up means more money in your paycheck. It’s fine to have lofty goals but it’s even better to keep the lights on and the fridge going.

Aquarius: Don’t worry, you couldn’t explain yourself if you tried. Just thank the acrobats and the traveling salesman for a great night and buy a new inflatable pool for the neighbors. They’ll never get the chicken feathers and glitter out of the old one.

Pisces: Just when you get close to the finish line, someone moves the tape. You can keep running, or get a staple gun and make sure that sucker stays in place while you win.

Aries: Forget those who say there’s no time like the present. Next Tuesday works great, too, especially around 2 p.m. Don’t forget your inflatable platypus and rash ointment.

Taurus: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, unless you post them on your Instagram. It’s the perfect thing if you want the world to learn your parrot left you and there’s a weird fungus growing on your leg.

Gemini: You’ve got your dancing shoes on, but they don’t mix well with your cookie batter-eating sweatpants. Get your wardrobe on the same page before there’s a fight.

Cancer: All the world’s a stage, but instead of being the star you’re lurking under the floorboards. Quit trying to be the Phantom of the Opera; you’re coming off like a Scooby-Doo lighthouse keeper. Get in the spotlight where you belong.

Leo: You realize you’ve never been a special little snowflake; you’re bigger than that. You’re the sun! Shine on during Wednesday and you’ll melt all those snowflakes in their tracks.

Virgo: Everyone has a book in them, but sometimes it’s because they ate too much paste and paper in Kindergarten. Look inside and see if your book has any actual words in it, or if it’s just a pop-up book about Kanye West.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, some have it thrust upon them, but you slip in it while you’re walking the dog. Enjoy the fame but bring a plastic bag because you can’t get that out of your shoe.

Scorpio: Your boss is pissed, so review your week. Is it because you left a dead bug in his World’s Best Manager mug, or used his computer to download “Hot Lunchroom Ladies 4?” Eh, the man’s a mystery. Leave early on Friday to give him some personal space.

Sagittarius: This week, you don’t have to be the best, but you should do better than a participation ribbon, too. Any effort at all will thrill your family and that third place trophy will look great in the bathroom.

Capricorn:  You try to be a shining star on Monday, but you end up more like a sputtering glow stick. You’re not the brightest, but watching your antics is illuminating. Good thing your co-workers have your therapist on speed dial.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you stop to smell the roses and there’s a bee waiting inside the petals. After the screaming and flailing, the Benadryl nap is nice.

Pisces: You keep treading water, but that long, slow hiss of your deflating arm floaties is starting to wear down your nerves. Don’t worry, the shore is in sight and there’s a cocktail and a massage therapist waiting for you.