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Aries:  You’re convinced that no good deed goes unpunished. If you’re lucky, though, karma will wear that little leather number while she oils up the paddle.  Looks like you’re lining up a whole string of charitable acts.

Taurus: Opportunity doesn’t always knock. Sometimes it slips a note under the bathroom door. Be prepared to grab your pants and run toward your chance at the big time. You can always buy new underwear later.

Gemini: Fill your mind with good thoughts and you’ll resist that wickedly handsome temptation on Wednesday. Then again, what fun is pure, driven snow if you can’t jump in and dirty it up?

Cancer: You can either update your attitude or your resume on Thursday. So your boss is engaged to an espresso machine; face it, you’ve seen weirder things in that office.

Leo: Know your limits, so you can wave to them when you pass them at high speed this week. Be nice and send them a souvenir mug once you get to Awesometown.

Virgo: Every day holds new challenges, but if you kick it in the groin, it will drop a few easy solutions, too. Remember to run away afterward, because the day usually has steel-tipped boots and thoughts of revenge.

Libra: It’s the time of year to think of others. For example, who stole your keyboard and how can you make them pay? Ah, the holidays, where the flame of rage keeps you warm at night.

Scorpio: Someone’s thinking of you in a sexy way. Time to break out that mojo, but save the Santa g-string for after the Christmas party. You don’t want to be in the company newsletter again.

Sagittarius: Something big is coming your way, and you’re more excited than a geek with the new Star Wars trailer on loop. The Force is with you, but you’ll still have to pay for its dinner.

Capricorn: Only you would end up with an elf on the shelf that also boasts a webcam. Turn that little pervert to the wall and undress in the bathroom, otherwise your shiny butt will be all over the Internet. Hey, it happened to Kim Kardashian.

Aquarius: The world can be a magical place, but you don’t need to wave your wand in people’s faces all the time. Tuck it away before someone yanks it off you, otherwise you’ll be one sore sorcerer.

Pisces: Time is of the essence, but luckily you’re well-stocked with your favorite perfume: procrastination. Try to use it sparingly so you don’t overwhelm those around you.

Aries: Don’t worry about roses having thorns; you should be far more concerned about giant man-eating Venus Flytraps. Step lively in the flower garden this week, and be prepared to prune.

Taurus: It’s an mp3 world, yet you’re still dragging out the Victrola. You may not be in the mainstream, but take comfort in your god-like status among hipsters.

Gemini: Your career hasn’t taken a deliberate nose-dive, it just accidentally sat on the control panel. Pull up and ride out the turbulence. There’s no need to blow up the automatic pilot just yet, even if he asks.

Cancer: If you didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, you probably have your spam filter set too high. Tough it out, because holidays with family don’t last forever, only the scars do.

Leo: If you need to meditate, try zoning out in your office. You already have a comfortable chair and your chattering co-workers are the best white noise machines ever.

Virgo: Great things can come with small packages, so quit teasing your sweetie in the bedroom. If you want to improve the unwrapping, steal one of your neighbor’s saucy catalogs. You know, the kind that makes the mailman sweat when he delivers them.

Libra: Life is what you’re doing when you don’t have time to pay attention. Look up from your smartphone once in a while, otherwise you’ll miss all the fun and none of the lamp posts or potholes.

Scorpio: On Thursday, your situation will be greatly improved if you wear pants. Specifically, your pants. It’s a small detail, but an important one to your boss. Remember, Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh never get promoted.

Sagittarius: The key to happiness is peace of mind. Unfortunately, you never know where your keys are, so that inner calm is alien territory. Ask the universe if you can unlock some temporary thrills with a thumbprint scanner instead.

Capricorn: You don’t have to know where you’re going in life as long as you know where you’ve been. And if you don’t know that, check your friends’ Instagram accounts to re-trace your embarrassing missteps.

Aquarius: No one said life was fair, but if you’re lucky, you can expect it to be partly cloudy with a chance of locusts over the weekend. Don’t complain, at least you can dip those suckers in chocolate and sell them to tourists.

Pisces: Even your goofiest moves can seem graceful and lovely if you set them to the right music. Try a slow-motion montage with a Bette Midler ballad and drop the Benny Hill theme song.

Aries:  You’re ready to spread your wings and fly, if only you could quit shaking your tailfeathers for five minutes. Let people bask in your glorious plumage for one more round and get up to some sky-soaring business.

Taurus:  The plan you’ve cooked up to make your family get along will fail. The good news? It goes so hilariously wrong that you’ll sell the rights and your half-witted scheme becomes a huge Disney movie.

Gemini: You will find a dollar next Tuesday, and it will change everything. OK, maybe not everything, but you’re one dollar closer to a peppermint latte.

Cancer: The world discovers your secret talent when you have too much rum cake and break out the karaoke machine this holiday season. Who knew your singing could strip paint off the walls and repel pigeons?

Leo:  A big basket of good luck is casually handed to you on Friday. Keep it close and use it by the expiration date instead of just throwing it in your back seat with the dirty gym clothes.

Virgo: On Wednesday evening, you’ll become a day older. And you still don’t know how to operate the DVR or change the time on your car radio. Make one of these a New Year’s resolution, but not both: that’s too ambitious for you.

Libra: You become a shining example of goodness to your friends and family this week. Be humble about it, or they’ll knock your lights out and steal your batteries.

Scorpio: There are two ways to overcome wanting what you can’t have: work or vodka. There’s also the option of being grateful for what you do have, but we both know that’s not your style.

Sagittarius: If you have a dream, find a wishing well and toss your penny in. You may not get your wish, but you’ll see broke office workers diving for change to the vending machine, and that kind of entertainment is worth two cents.

Capricorn: You’ve had your eye on someone special, but it would mean more if you gave that hottie a bit of jewelry instead. No one wears eyeballs around their neck, it’s so last season.

Aquarius: Success isn’t about the journey or the destination; it’s all about the car you drive to get there. Grab some fuzzy dice and make that ride your own, even if the doors are falling off and the mirror is held on with gum and duct tape.

Pisces: You want to dance like no one is watching, but deep down you know the dog is silently judging you. Buy him some jerky treats so he’ll be distracted while you flail like a limp Muppet to the latest Taylor Swift song.

Aries:  Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.

Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have more on your hands than a recently deceased chipmunk.

Gemini:  If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.

Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting.  Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.

Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those cross-dressing goat videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.

Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.

Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.

Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.

Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.

Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.

Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.

Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.

Aries: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but no one expects the cable installer to be on time or a politician to tell the truth, either. On Tuesday, be prepared for the comfy chair.

Taurus: It’s hard to find your spot in the universe, because no one supplies a place card. Just keep wedging those butt cheeks into different corners; you’ll eventually find a perfect fit at a bus stop or Denny’s.

Gemini: Everyone applauds your ability to hold your tongue, but they don’t see the duct tape under the make-up. Rip it off tonight and scream into a tub of ice cream before your eyes pop out, so you can go back to being amazing tomorrow without kicking old ladies in the shins.

Cancer: You owe someone an apology this week. Could be your boss or sweetie, but it’s probably the dog, who now has to wear fart-resistant doggie diapers because you’ve blamed a plethora of poots on him. Take some treats to make your “I’m sorry” stick.

Leo: You may not know the score in the game of life, but you can recite all the really funny cheers and you have a talent for keeping beer and hot dogs out of your hair, so you have that going for you.

Virgo: Forget about going where everyone knows your name; they probably  have plenty of dirt on the rest of your life too. Head to a place where no one knows about the wombat and the Cheez Whiz, and you’ll feel better about yourself.

Libra: In every life, a little rain must fall, but you don’t have to stand out in it with your mouth open like a turkey with a death wish. Step into a doorway and cozy up to that hottie; if you’re smooth, you could make your own rainbow.

Scorpio: You have a million-dollar idea but no one will give you two cents of their time. Cash in a few I.O.U.s from some important friends. It may not help, but you’ll enjoy the sweet taste of making them listen through guilt and obligation.

Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’re a rising star! Hold on to your undies, because this will be a wild ride. Also, you don’t want to moon your own moon. That’s embarrassing.

Capricorn: Everyone knows you can’t get blood from a turnip, which is why it’s wise to avoid the school bake sale next week. Those gluten-free turnip muffins should only be used in self-defense.

Aquarius: There’s a song in you, and it’s fighting to get out. Sing loud, sing proud: not only will it feel good, that voice will scare off muggers. It’s like pepper spray that comes out of your mouth.

Pisces: You may not know where you’re going, but you’ll find the coolest souvenirs along the way. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the shopping.

Aries: Forget the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; you’ll find a fast food coupon at the end of the parking lot, which is much better. Leprechauns don’t exist, but pumpkin lattes do.

Taurus: Stop the soul-searching; you could slide that sucker under a two-photon microscope and still not find out anything new. Just try to be nice to people so they don’t spit in your food or let the elevator doors close on you. That’s enough.

Gemini: If you wait for the right time and place, you’ll miss some gloriously fun mistakes. Throw caution to the wind, and remember to duck if it changes direction. You don’t want to be cold-cocked by an updraft.

Cancer: Sure, you’re poetry in motion, but it’s more like a bad limerick cruising on a sputtering moped. That look can still work for you, as long as you wear oversized sunglasses and do a few pratfalls.

Leo: Every day is a fresh block of clay, so quit rolling it up and making turds out of it. You don’t have to aim for the Venus de Milo, but you’re capable of a second-grade art project dinosaur at the very least.

Virgo: Some bring charisma, others bring sparkle, but everyone knows what you bring to the party: chips. Make them the cheddar cheese flavor instead of plain, unless you plan to broaden your social skills by bringing dip too.

Libra: Success is defined by the lives you touch, although everyone wishes you’d wash your hands occasionally. You don’t have to leave such sticky fingerprints when you share, so keep some wet wipes handy for karmic purposes.

Scorpio: Thursday will hand you a challenge, but don’t wait to answer it until you’ve dramatically paused for a commercial break. This isn’t a reality show and opportunity doesn’t care about station identification.

Sagittarius: Someone’s dropping hints on you at home, but you refuse to take off that silly helmet. Don’t worry, a few notions won’t mess up your hair but if you keep ignoring your sweetie, a cast iron pan might.

Capricorn: Wednesday is a good day for harvesting your crops, giving to the needy or binge-watching “The Walking Dead” until you’re hiding under the bed and peeing on yourself; just depends on which one applies most to your life.

Aquarius: Say the magic word on Friday and a wealth of treasures will be yours. If the magic word is your safeword, it will also keep someone from gluing a salad spinner to your butt, which is something to be thankful for on its own.

Pisces: Quit living under a rock; that’s only suitable for pink starfish wearing boxer shorts. Step into the sunlight occasionally so you can get a little color and to prove you’re not a vampire.

Aries: You’re like Taylor Swift without a breakup; you’re feeling uninspired. On Tuesday, you’ll see yourself in a new light. A fantastic, cash-rolling, we’re-in-the-money light. Prepare those pockets for some simple melodies and heavy jingling.

Taurus: Every day is a fresh chance to completely screw something up. Call the florist now, because you’re going to need the “politician caught in the men’s bathroom” bouquet along with the industrial-size apology.

Gemini: You’re the tater tots on your sweetie’s lunchroom tray, but lately you’ve been acting like week-old mystery meat. Crisp up your edges, maybe rub a little bacon behind your ears, and you won’t be left behind.

Cancer: The world’s a circus, and somewhere there’s an elephant who remembers all your bad ideas. Load up the truck with peanuts and sweet talk, because you’re going to need their approval before the weekend. It’s been too long since you visited family, anyway.

Leo: Lately, you couldn’t catch a break if you covered your hands in Velcro. Hang in there, because someone’s giving you a big-ass butterfly net to get the job done. Might want to take off that Velcro first, though.

Virgo: You can bring the volcano to work, but that doesn’t mean virgins will just jump in. You’ll need another way to thin the herd, like cancelling raises. Then you’ll have the volcano all to yourself.

Libra: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but why are you catching wild birds in the first place? Adopt one and you can teach it some dirty words. That’s far more fun.

Scorpio: You think you’re bringing sexy back, but it refuses to ride in the car with you. Drop the Axe body spray and ride around with the windows down for a while.

Sagittarius: That new sweetie may not be the love of your life, just the highlight of your weekend. Lower your expectations; you won’t have a life partner just yet, but you’ll have a heck of a story.

Capricorn: The best things in life are free, but the really cool stuff requires cash. Quit cheaping out on dates and pry open your wallet if you want to make any progress with that hottie.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint your eyes and look at it in the right light. Right now that’s good enough, you don’t need to gaze upon it sober and in full daylight. Leave that for another time.

Pisces: Going with the flow is fine, as long as you don’t suddenly find yourself circling the drain after someone flushes. If you discover yourself spinning in circles, sail out to sea, or you’ll be surfing some yellow waves.


Aries: A lot of people are in the same boat as you, but few can paddle with your swinging style. Slap that oar around and make some waves on Thursday.

Taurus: Of course you’re a special little snowflake, but that doesn’t mean much when the temperature rises. Work on your skills so you’ll have something to fall back on when your ego melts in the light of day.

Gemini: You don’t need to know all the answers, but it would help if you had one or two in your pocket. Broaden your horizons and reel in a few more facts before someone hooks you with a tough question.

Cancer: Tempers flare this week at work, but don’t go off half-cocked or deliver any tongue-lashings. Both will land you in Human Resources for yet another sexual harassment workshop.

Leo: No need to heat people up and bend them to your will like some sort of emotional blacksmith. Kindness and patience will make them do loop-de-loops like a crazy straw, and it will be all on their own. Or you can keep doing what you’re doing and someone will bop you with your own anvil.

Virgo: It’s fine to look on the bright side, but that nightlight may be overkill. Relax and enjoy the dark. Night has its own positive side, like the fact no one can tell you haven’t vacuumed in a few weeks.

Libra: So you screwed up. Big deal. At least no one was hurt and it didn’t end up on YouTube or the nightly news. Next time you’ll know to use a bigger net and shorter heels.

Scorpio: You can lead a horse to water, but you won’t like the lemonade he makes. Quit hiring personal pony maids and do your own work for once. At least you’ll be drinking your own Kool-Aid for a change.

Sagittarius: It takes a big person to admit their mistakes, but you’re still rather small. Start by owning up to that outfit; humility and a bit of fashion sense will come a little easier.

Capricorn: You feel undefeatable on Wednesday, so it’s a great time to ask for a raise or bicker with your ex over when the check is due. Don’t get into an argument with your kids over My Little Pony, though, because no one can win that.

Aquarius: The winds of change are streaming in, but it’s up to you whether the breeze fills your sails or just blows smoke up your butt. Get into position so you’re flying across the water and not in the air like a Macy’s parade balloon.

Pisces: You may be on the right track, but you’ve completely forgotten which train you were chasing. Chill out at the station for a while, and let it come to you.

Aries: The best way to get a few fresh, crisp days is to buy a new calendar. Get something sassy with nuns or cats; the pictures will distract you from this week.

Taurus: You may feel like a box of donuts backstage at a beauty pageant: unloved and unwanted. But here’s the truth: you are desired, and someone might take a bite out of you when no one’s looking.

Gemini: The easiest path may be hard to miss, but it never takes you past any little greasy spoon cafes where they make legendary apple pie. Go offroad for a while, the adventure will be worth it.

Cancer: Silence is golden but keeping quiet when someone does something stupid? That’s platinum-level behavior right there. Reward yourself with some ice cream, it will feel good after you’ve bitten your tongue for days.

Leo: This week is a time for reflection, but who can see anything with your breath steaming up the mirror? Back off a few inches so you can examine more than just your nose hair.

Virgo: You can see your goal, but it’s just out of reach. Instead of jumping like a maniac, scoot a stepladder over and pluck that sucker out of the tree. Don’t wait for it to drop, because someone else could scoop it up first.

Libra: The race usually goes to the swiftest and smartest, but sometimes karma throws the goofiest a bone, too. Get ready to sprint toward the finish line while everyone else ends up with a charley horse.

Scorpio: You’re looking so fine on Tuesday, you should stay off the sidewalks so you don’t cause traffic accidents. Turn that mojo down to simmer at work, or you’ll be leaving some interesting prints on the photocopier.

Sagittarius: You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, but no one expects you to take a baseball bat to the refrigerator, either. Dig deep in your kitchen drawers and find some unused sensitivity and tact.

Capricorn: Forget old dogs and new tricks; you’re more of a middle-aged ferret with a tightrope act. Step lively and smile, because you’re the best show in town.

Aquarius: You always like leaving yourself a little wiggle room, but that’s because you know how good you look in those jeans. Someone else is watching your moves; if you play your mixtape just right you’ll end up with a hip-swaying sweetie.

Pisces:  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and you have a sitcom that haunts you to this day. Seriously, how did Mrs. Garrett not end up chasing those girls with a taser? Meditate on this while you wait for your blood pressure to ease down.

Aries: A straight line is the quickest route between two points, but you’ve never been the logical one. Go ahead and take that Crazy Straw path to your destination. If nothing else, you could be hired by Google Maps.

Taurus: A question of the ages looms before you. Weigh your options carefully, then decide between the pumpkin spice bagel or the cream-filled pastry. This will be the most important decision you make before lunch.

Gemini: Someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, but they don’t know you’re basically a haunted house. Flap your shutters at them a few times and rattle some chains. They’ll take the hint.

Cancer: If you knew then what you know now, you would have been so obnoxious then that you wouldn’t have learned anything to know what you know now. Ignorance can be bliss, especially for other people.

Leo: There’s a light in your eyes, but this time it’s not from sticking a fork into a toaster. You’ve been struck with actual inspiration, so wipe the soot off your head and make a plan. It’s just crazy enough to work.

Virgo: You’ve been singing the song of your people to everyone at work. Unfortunately, that ditty includes a great deal of whining, moaning and basic bellyaching. Try a new tune before someone manually resets your mental playlist.

Libra: You’re feeling sexier than a deserted room filled with fresh donuts and free wi-fi. Rub a little frosting behind your ear and tell your sweetie to be ready for some high-speed fun. After that, you can buffer together.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you forget all the words to your personal soundtrack. Make some up, or just hum a few bars until it all comes back. Everyone loves a hummer.

Sagittarius: You may feel like you’re sinking, but look closer: you have at least a half dozen of those floaty life rings wedged around your middle. Quit exhausting yourself fighting the current and tell your crew onshore to reel you in.

Capricorn: Sure, love is the answer, especially if the question is “What can kick you in the balls and make you feel happy about it?” If you’re not ready for that kind of love, wear a cup on Thursday.

Aquarius: You can reach for the stars all you want, but you won’t get far unless you build the rocket ship to get you there. Dreams that come true are usually backed up with skills and experience, so get cracking.

Pisces: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, pick a tall one and build a nice treehouse instead. Who needs the whole forest when you’ve got your own mighty oak equipped with cable TV and a recliner?

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