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Aries: As the year comes to a close, your best bet for a good 2014 is to buy looser shorts and less duct tape. You’ll see why by Valentine’s Day.

Taurus: That after-Christmas glow lasts for a few more days. It could be that loving family spirit, but most likely it’s due to your Grandpa’s secret recipe egg nog made out in the shed.

Gemini: If your kids can’t get enough of the Hunger Games, drop them off at the store with your returns and wish them luck. May the odds be ever in their favor.

Cancer: Don’t worry if you have no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve. The neighbor’s goat doesn’t mind the lipstick, and it looks rather stunning in sequins. Watch out for beard burn, though.

Leo: In every year a little rain must fall, but you’re really starting to prune up. Take heart, because those water wings can come off in the new year.

Virgo: It’s a time of reflection, so feel free to take a long, hard look at your life. Just don’t do it if you’re near tequila or Facebook, because no one wants to see your sad, drunken posts competing with their own.

Libra: Resolutions, like fortune cookies, are made to be broken. Feel free to tackle world peace and those last, pesky ten pounds, but don’t sweat it if you end up in stretch pants and hiding from the world in a blanket fort by March.

Scorpio: The problem with the road not taken? Terrible wi-fi. You’ll find enough adventure this year without forging a new path through the unknown, and you’ll do it from the comfort of Starbucks.

Sagittarius: Relax if Santa didn’t give you what you wanted; sanity and self-esteem are very hard to stuff in a stocking. But he did give you pictures of Tom Hiddleston on the Internet, and that’s almost as good.

Capricorn: When you feel that life is crumbling around you, grab a trowel and some spackle. Life in the new year may be patchworked, but it’s your unique creation. Even if you did slap it together on a Saturday afternoon.

Aquarius: Love is all around you. Better get a surgical mask in case it’s catching. Find a mask with Hello Kitty printed on it, and it will do double duty in keeping the love bug away.

Pisces: It’s fine if the scales fall from your eyes, just don’t step on them and see where two months of Christmas cookies ended up. For the sake of your butt and your world view, keep those rose-colored glasses on through 2014.

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Aries: Don’t ask someone to feel your stocking if that rock-hard lump is just a hunk of coal. Make your sweetie’s season bright by offering up something much warmer and stiffer, like a hot toddy.

Taurus: The thought counts with gifts, but not so much with cooking. Instead of serving up Christmas ham Hot Pockets, shake out that piggy bank and head to the Chinese restaurant. Even Santa loves fortune cookies.

Gemini: Don’t be disappointed when the kids enjoy the box their gift came in more than the actual gadget itself.  At least you got the chance to use your taser on Black Friday.

Cancer: Some people’s holiday spirit comes from the pulpit, some comes from the family, and for others it all comes from a bottle. Hey, whatever gets you to the new year, right?

Leo: Not every celebration is traditional. If your idea of a swinging time is the metal thrash version of the Little Drummer Boy and playing “Will This Fruitcake Stick to the Wall?” then go for it. Just don’t expect the elves to clean those candied cherries off the wallpaper.

Virgo: ‘Tis the season for sharing, but no one wants to see your frozen goodies as you streak through the live nativity scene. Besides, those camels spit, and you don’t want to spend the rest of the day scrubbing that off your butt.

Libra: Family members are like presents: some of them are wrapped too tightly and others are half in the bag. You can’t exchange them, though, so focus on the good bits and be glad Christmas comes just once a year.

Scorpio: You may think Festivus was a character on “Gunsmoke,” but this year you’re willing to give it a try.  Helping your mother-in-law out of the recliner definitely counts as a Feat of Strength.

Sagittarius: Santa can’t swing a PS4 for the kids this holiday, but he will bring them all snowsuits so you can kick their butts out of the house for a while and have some quality time with a bottle of wine. See? Santa cares.

Capricorn: Placing mistletoe in your underwear sounds like a good idea at the office party, but the rash will last much longer than the egg nog buzz. Settle for handshakes and awkward conversation.

Aquarius: Keep the day special and full of fun: don’t forget the batteries!  Yeah, you should probably buy some toys for the kids, too.

Pisces: Some holiday moments stay with you forever, like accidentally seeing Grandma get out of the shower. Hopefully one of those packages under the tree is filled with therapy coupons.

Aries:  There’s a fire in your eyes, and you didn’t even sit on a candle. Use that ambition to achieve something you’ve always wanted. Hopefully it’s legal, because there’s no stopping you now.

Taurus: You don’t expect a pot of gold under every rainbow, but some loose change would be nice. Open up that piggy bank, because Friday’s bounty may be more than one ceramic hog can handle.

Gemini: Anyone who says it’s about the journey, not the destination, has never ridden in a clown car with 14 hungover bozos. Pull your life over at the next rest stop and stretch your legs, because there’s more weirdness to come.

Cancer: Tuesday fits you like a worn-out pair of yoga pants: it will be baggy in odd places, and your chakras will show through when you bend over. Oddly enough, you’ll enjoy the stares.

Leo: If wisdom was easy to gain, everybody would tell you what to do. Oh wait, they already do that. Politely listen, then do what you want.  You’re not likely to listen, anyway.

Virgo: Some news creeps up your spine like a cold winter chill. Grab your sweater but keep your cool, because someone’s just blowing smoke up your kilt.

Libra: No need to share the sordid stories of your past to make a point, because your youthful follies would make Charlie Sheen blush. Set someone straight and don’t tell them that you still get letters from both the stripper and the parrot occasionally.

Scorpio: Finding your inner peace may be tougher than remembering where you left the remote. Both let you turn on and tune out for a while, so it’s worth the search. Look under the couch.

Sagittarius: Don’t blame the universe for a brewing storm; you’re the one who grabbed the snowglobe and shook it like a Magic 8-Ball. Hunker down in your tiny castle and wait for things to settle.

Capricorn: Surviving something stupid doesn’t make you an expert, it just makes you very lucky. Quit yelling “Hey y’all, watch this,” and step away from the battery cables and the treadmill.

Aquarius: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a plastic dinosaur taped to your butt and Sharpie tattoos on your face. It’s okay, not everyone masters the whole parenting thing. Good thing you have wine and cookies hidden in the bathroom.

Pisces: Life is a grab bag, and you keep getting the stale candy corn left over from Halloween. Keep reaching; eventually you’ll grab something worthwhile. If the bag is on fire and smells funny, though, walk away.

Aries: You can look a gift horse in the mouth, but don’t be surprised if he belches in your face. Just ask to see his driver’s license next time, and you won’t be surrounded with an aura of garlic breath.

Taurus: Love isn’t a race, but it is a fairly vicious game of Chutes and Ladders. Rig the spinner while you can, or you’ll slide on your butt straight down to your next game, ApologyLand.

Gemini:  Just when you finally know all the answers, someone changes the test. You could study up, or spend your days hoarding spitballs so you’ll be the life of the party in detention.

Cancer: What you see as drudge work is actually an opportunity dressed down for casual Friday. Ignore the flip flops and take it out for a spin. You could end up in a new place and still have your wallet and kidneys intact.

Leo: The brightest stars could waltz across the sky and you’ll never know. Take off those sunglasses and look around. There’s no point to being cool if you miss all the best parts.

Virgo:  You’re wrapped so tightly, if you lose a button it could take out two cars on the highway. Untie some of those internal knots before you have a blowout and destroy half of the grocery store.

Libra: Saturday seems like a tight spot, but all you need is a little wiggle room. Shimmy into your best outfit and work it, girl. Your hips don’t lie but they do appreciate a corner office.

Scorpio: It is better to have loved and lost than to keep checking up on your exes via Facebook. If you drop the obsession, you’ll quickly find a new one, thanks to those ever-present Candy Crush invites.

Sagittarius: It’s one thing to be mysterious, but you’re as vague as smog in Beijing. Clear up a few paths so someone can get close to you without toppling over a guardrail.

Capricorn: You can leave things up to Chance, but he’s not even wearing matching socks today. If you want someone else to make your decisions, pick the boss’ receptionist. She knows how to deal with crap.

Aquarius: If you fell into a pile of money, you’d be the one person who gets a quarter lodged in their nose. Work on changing that luck with a few good deeds. Be careful, though; you don’t want karma to accidentally run you down before stopping to offer you a lift.

Pisces: Something you create will catch on like wildfire. Relax and drop the wet blanket, this blaze doesn’t threaten any trees but it could light up your career for a long time.

Aries: You’ll receive a special message from the universe on Friday. It won’t arrive by phone, though, so quit checking your texts while you’re driving. Karma has its own version of autocorrect, and it involves a body cast.

Taurus: Life needs a little mystery, whether it’s how chicken nuggets are made or how your sweetie always knows when you’ve done something stupid. If you do find out the answers, you’ll be much more careful with what you put into your mouth.

Gemini: Each new day holds a promise, but all you want is to shake down the weekend for its lunch money. Think twice before giving Sunday a swirlie, because Monday is big, bad and can mess you up.

Cancer: You can burn a candle at both ends, but no one will want to touch your candlestick afterward. Stick to one flame at a time, and save the pouring wax for your 50 Shades of Grey reading group.

Leo:  Don’t believe anyone who says a picture is worth a thousand words. If it’s of your boss and that llama, it’s worth at least two promotions and a parking space.

Virgo: Some may wait for the other shoe to drop, but you’ve already snatched that bad boy out of thin air because it’s on sale. Use your coupon kung-fu on Thursday and you’ll score something hotter than those new stilettos.

Libra: If your world were a fairy tale, you’d be up to your armpits in frogs. When it comes to love, quit looking for a fixer-upper. All you’ll get from the lilypad lad is a wart on your lip and a bad case of swamp-ass.

Scorpio: Quit looking for the worst in life. That light at the end of the tunnel won’t be a train, just a dude with a glowstick and a wiffle bat. Offer him some licorice; he won’t smack you with the bat, but he might sing you some Grateful Dead songs. Still, it’s not as bad as the train, right?

Sagittarius: It’s just your luck: you realize life is a carousel just as you get motion sickness. Grab some Dramamine and hang on to your horse, because this ride will be wild and worth it.

Capricorn: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit bare-knuckling life and get your bounce back.

Aquarius: You haven’t found your place in life, but don’t worry. Who said it was all assigned seating anyway? Pitch a tent anywhere you like, just don’t get caught in the zipper.

Pisces: Sarcasm is a better defense than bubble wrap. You won’t be as coddled, but at least you’ll be popping someone else’s bubbles, not your own.

Aries: Sometimes you aim for the sexy mystique of Dracula, but end up as a friendly fruit bat. You can still get a few laughs by seeking out someone with a beehive hairdo.

Taurus: Every dog has its day, but play your cards right and you could squeeze a whole week out of Tuesday. You’ll be thanking the universe for dog years and belly rubs by the time Wednesday rolls around.

Gemini: You may feel like a diamond in the rough, but look at the bright side: at least you weren’t swallowed by a Great Dane. No one would want to polish you after that.

Cancer: On Thursday you feel like a pair of itchy polyester pants in a cool cotton world. You might not be fit for everyday wear, but Lady Gaga would still slap some sequins on your butt and call you pretty.

Leo: It’s better to take life as it comes instead of snatching it from the Universe’s grip and shaking it down for answers. That just crinkles its collar and pisses it off.

Virgo: When you job becomes unbearable, remember that nearly any work situation can be made a little better by sneaking some vodka in the water cooler. Not too much, though; you don’t want someone dancing on your desk and messing up your TPS reports.

Libra: There’s a fine line between practical joke and felony, so put down the duct tape and grab a whoopee cushion. It’s just as funny, and you’ll be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without a hairy cellmate named Bubba.

Scorpio: Your sweetie is sending signals you can’t decipher. Better find a codebook fast, before they escalate to rat-a-tat-tapping their message upside your head.

Sagittarius: Expressing yourself is fine, but bodypainting with pumpkins in the Walmart produce section isn’t the way to do it. Grab your own gourd at home, unless you want to pay for half the town’s therapy.

Capricorn: Three things you’ll need to know for Saturday: bacon grease is hard to wash out of a thong, bulls can be very temperamental and you should always wear your running shoes, even to formal events.

Aquarius: Everything’s cool. The wombat has been paid off, and the parrot promises not to squawk. Don’t buy any tube socks at the swap meet for a while, and you’ll be in the clear.

Pisces: `There’s a reason your deepest desires are buried that far down: your subconscious threw them into the well with good reason. Unless you like weird Korean horror movies, don’t drag those thoughts into the murky light of day.

Aries: It takes two to tango, but you’ll need at least four for a good conga line. If you can’t round up that many partners, then just dance like no one’s watching. Because they’re not.

Taurus: One of your wildest dreams will come true on Thursday. But what will you do with a two-headed zombie who cooks like Gordon Ramsay? Other than hosting the best Halloween dinner party ever, of course. Just make sure everyone can eat and run before they become dessert.

Gemini: Life has its ups and downs, but you’re high-centered on a particularly vicious speed bump. If someone shoves you, don’t get mad; thank them before you zoom down the hill to Easy Street.

Cancer: There are three things you don’t expect: the Spanish Inquisition, to put Baby in a corner, and help from anyone. One of these will happen at work, so practice your ‘surprised’ face.

Leo:  The road not traveled is filled with adventure but woefully lacking in restroom facilities. Pee behind a tree if you have to, just avoid tinkling on a squirrel. They always seek revenge.

Virgo: In every life, a little rain must fall, but locusts and frogs are not part of the program. Find a cozy place to hunker down Sunday until the weather becomes far less hoppy.

Libra: The Right Thing isn’t always a trumpeted activity festooned with prizes; sometimes it’s a quiet command from your soul. Finish it, and somewhere the Universe will double your Air Miles. Whether you can actually cash them in is another matter.

Scorpio: If people knew what they were doing, we wouldn’t have Silly Putty or Honey Boo Boo.  Learn from your mistakes; either they’ll pay off, or you’ll just create some frightening mutant to haunt everyone’s dreams.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll make a difference in someone’s life by telling them what you really think. It may shock them, but not everyone should wear tube tops and spandex to Walmart. You’re doing everyone a favor, really.

Capricorn: Each day is a blessing, but Monday really comes through when you start training a raccoon to steal your neighbor’s newspaper. Remember to laugh maniacally while getting your rabies shots.

Aquarius: Today seems like a brutal challenge, but you can get through this. The barista forgetting the whipped cream on your pumpkin spice coffee feels like the end of the world, but it’s not. That happens when you can’t get the latest Miley Cyrus video out of your head.

Pisces: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Actually, it will just be a gang of ticked-off mice picketing on your front lawn, but why risk it? Work on something the world really needs, like a way to keep your Grandma’s pole-dancing class photos off your Facebook timeline.

Aries: True, there’s no place like home, especially since the wide side of a frying pan is waiting for your head. Before you cross that threshold, drop by the flower shop to make things right. Or, knowing your mouth, just head straight to the jeweler’s.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you can see things no one else can. Ghosts? No. Unicorns? No. But you swear you can see a long future with your current job. Before you give up another opportunity, clean your glasses.

Gemini:  The universe has a special evening planned for you this week. It may not include wine and candles, but there’s a good chance it will involve a camel, some Ben Gay and a flashlight.

Cancer: Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Slap some Band-Aids over those nipples, gulp some water and get back out there before a 90-year-old hairy dude in bike shorts claims your medal. No one wants to see that.

Leo: There are three valued skills in this world: the ability to speak up, the ability to keep your mouth shut and the wisdom to know which one is needed. You have only two of these qualities, so watch your step on Friday.

Virgo: You have a decision to make, but remember not everything is black and white. Some things are in shades of pea green purple and fuschia, with rhinestone accents. The right choice may not be clearly marked, but it is fabulous.

Libra: Spicing things up in the bedroom is fine, but adding habenero to the whipped cream is not.  Start with a spatula and some apricot jam, but stay away from the 50 Shades of Gray stuff unless you have a Boy Scout on call to untie the knots.

Scorpio: You’re feeling sassier than Oprah visiting her bank vault. You may not have her millions, but you have attitude. That’s worth at least $1.25 and a whistle from the homeless guy.

Sagittarius: The universe has all the answers, they just aren’t the answers you’re seeking. If you want to know the meaning of life, expect to hear all about the kookaburra.  Experts suspect the universe is stoned. Sacrifice a bag of Cheetos if you want real truth.

Capricorn: You’ve come a long way, baby, and you look it. Buy yourself some new shoes and sharpen that wardrobe; something’s headed your way, and you should be dressed to kill. Axe optional.

Aquarius: Nothing says love like diamonds, but a box of donuts says “Hey, at least I remember where you live.” Spark that passion, baby, and see if your honey is up for a game of ring toss.

Pisces:  You may be mild, but when backed into a corner, you have the tenacity of a threatened cricket. If you can’t overpower your foes, disarm them with absurdity. No one expects a cricket to steal their switchblade.

Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.

Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.

Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.

Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear. OK, any underwear. Your 15 minutes of fame could be a crotch shot on TMZ.

Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey adamantium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.

Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, they won’t last long.

Libra: If all you want is to be an ass, do nothing and get paid, your choices are to become a stubborn mule or go to Congress. Those are drastic steps, so work up to them by getting a reality show first. At least you’ll be worth watching.

Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the TV ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.

Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that supervillain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.

Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.

Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic Tums can’t handle.

Pisces: You’ve come so close to success so many times, you can smell the cigars. Who wants one of those nasty things anyway? On Friday, you’ll finally wrap your fingers around something more substantial.

Aries: If you weren’t so tired from jumping to conclusions, you could leapfrog over that latest hurdle at work. Rest up, because you’ll have another chance to take the plunge soon, and that water will be colder than your boss’ heart.

Taurus: So you’re not the center of the universe. There’s probably a planet-ripping explosion happening there anyway. Enjoy your quiet corner, just don’t fall asleep and slip into a black hole.

Gemini: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.

Cancer: If you’re very still, you can see the beauty of the universe in a single rose. If you have the money, though, why not take a limo and see all the gardens? That way, you can see who trims their hedges and who doesn’t.

Leo: In each life a little rain must fall, but leave it to you to grab the titanium golf umbrella. Lower the armor for a little while, and some new ideas might sprout at your feet.

Virgo: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.

Libra: You’re ready to kick butt and take names, but you forgot both your pencil and your boots. You can still laugh at people’s outfits, though. That always cheers you up.

Scorpio: Everything can be unicorns and rainbows, or horses with pointy edges and wet streets. Depends on how you look at it. Sure, you might step in a puddle if you reach for a rainbow, but a wet foot is worth free Skittles.

Capricorn: Some of your accomplishments are etched in stone, while others are deleted by a cosmic cat running across the keyboard of the universe. Keep working at it; your best efforts will gather attention on Wednesday. The rest of them will puzzle archeologists for centuries to come.

Sagittarius: Quit searching for enlightenment outdoors; what you want is deep inside. That’s where the aliens buried your implant. Explains a lot, especially your love of Honey Boo Boo and deep-fried bananas.

Aquarius: Something burns deep within you. Could be a new passion, or it could be last night’s Sriracha chili. Either way, it’s going to keep you up at night until you do something about it, so get going.

Pisces: You’ve always seen reality as a spice to be used lightly instead of a daily staple. That view serves you well this week when others are binging on their crapola stew.

Listen to your WZ horoscope every Monday on KBJB Internet Radio!

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