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Aries: You may think you stand alone, but even Santa needs elves. If he had an unlimited charge card and an Amazon account, tiny hands would never try to carve an iPad out of a wood block again. Go out and enjoy someone else’s company for a change.

Taurus: Everyone says Christmas is for kids, but those diamond commercials aren’t for your toddler, bucko. Open that wallet and make your sweetie squeal in a good way this year. Not like last year when you wrapped up those spiders and tried to pass them off as a leggy ant farm.

Gemini: Go ahead and attend the office Christmas party, just remember to wear an extra pair of underwear so your butt cheeks are still covered when your tuckus hits the cold glass of the copier.

Cancer: You look more out-of-place than Blake Shelton at a teetotalers meeting. Don’t worry, just flash a smile, whip out your rum balls and the party will come to you.

Leo: Quit trying to be the star on top of the tree and just enjoy the branch you’re dangling from now. The view is still lovely, and you don’t have pine needles up your butt.

Virgo: Not all who wander are lost; some are just trying to find a good parking place at the mall. If you keep circling, you’ll be the last one with gifts, but the first one in the return line on Dec.  26.

Libra: Your family will come together next Tuesday, and that’s when the fruitcake hits the fan. Remind yourself while you’re drinking tequila in the shower that this is the time for togetherness, because it makes us value the rest of the year we spend alone.

Scorpio: Relax. It doesn’t matter that your Christmas turkey comes out of the oven looking like Keith Richards after a weekend with Charlie Sheen. What matters is that the Chinese restaurant delivers, even on Christmas Day.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll receive a sweater so ugly it can be used to awaken coma patients. On the bright side, your dresser will be mouse-free for years.

Capricorn: Sure, making whoopee under the Christmas tree sounds fun, until a crocheted ornament embeds itself so deeply into your back it looks like Grandma designed your tramp stamp. Just do what everyone else does: drink egg nog until you pass out.

Aquarius: On Friday, you’ll finally receive your Christmas bonus. You can either buy two packs of gum, or five crates full of Yoko Ono CDs. Oooh, look, spearmint!

Pisces: The holidays aren’t about what you get, but what you give, and you’ve given all the hints you can. Time to step back and let Santa do his work. If that fails, tell Mrs. Claus. She’s the one who will twist his candy cane until he makes it right.

Aries: You get your point across on Thursday without saying a word.  Could be that big stick you’re carrying, or the fact that you forgot to wear pants again. In any case, the office will be a very quiet place except for the giggling.

Taurus: It’s the holiday season, so creak open that wallet and spend five bucks on tinsel instead of spray-painting some old barbed wire fencing you found at the dump. Your loved ones and the ER staff will thank you.

Gemini: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but fabulousness is all in the mind. You got the swag and the sizzle, so go be fabulous, baby!

Cancer: There are days when you just feel like the punchline to a bad knock-knock joke. You don’t have to worry about who’s there if you never answer the door. Bonus: that flaming bag of dog poop looks rather festive on your porch.

Leo: If wishes were horses, you’re going to be riding high atop that stallion on Wednesday. If you feed it enough dreams, it will crap out rainbows, which are so much easier to clean up.

Virgo: Diamonds may say “I love you,” but the gift of a new mop under the tree says “Set fire to my car while I sleep.” Re-think that gift unless you cherish the smell of flaming dashboard plastic.

Libra: You look worse than Keith Richards half-buried in a litter box.  Take some time for yourself this weekend and get some rest. Also, lay off snorting the fake snow spray.

Scorpio: Is romance fizzling out before you ever see fireworks? Maybe you just need somebody with a longer fuse. Keep your eyes open on Friday; you could see something that sparks you right up.

Sagittarius: You will do something this week that will make Santa love you more than all the special cookies in Washington and Colorado. When he brings you that gift-wrapped reward, have plenty of Cheetos on hand.

Capricorn: Work gets a little weird when someone finds your thong inside the vending machine. On the positive side, all the Baby Ruth bars on E-8 are now officially yours.

Aquarius: While everyone’s looking out for the bluebird of happiness, keep your eyes peeled for the pterodactyl of big-screen TVs. That’s the flying creature you should make your buddy, because then you would have the biggest television and a freaking dinosaur to watch “Homeland” with you.

Pisces: Expect a wonderful surprise on Saturday. You may not get it, but at least the expectation gives you something to do. Consider it the amateur magic show before the pony shows up at your birthday.

Aries: The only way you would follow your intuition is if it were wearing a short skirt and spiked heels. Listen to what that little voice is saying, and next time it won’t have to use the taser to get your attention.

Taurus: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and other times a rabid monkey swings in, kicks the pieces and smacks you with the game board. Stick with Words With Friends and you won’t have to remove a tiny metal car from your nostril again.

Gemini: When one door closes, another door opens. But if karma only slides the door a couple of inches to taunt you, put on your best biker boots and kick that sucker down.

Cancer: You receive a blessing in disguise, but you won’t know it until the fake mustache falls off. Give a tug on that wig, too, unless you want another surprise.

Leo: News flash: life is not perfect. It’s loud, rude, pees on the carpet, drinks your beer and uses your last five dollars to buy lottery tickets. But there’s also joy in that chaos, so loosen up before it tinkles on your other shoe.

Virgo: Yes, the play’s the thing, but you don’t always get to direct. Sometimes you have to be Peasant With Mole and shuffle in the background. Don’t worry, you’ll get the chance to wear a beret and be a total pain in the ass very soon.

Libra: To everything there is a season, but apparently idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Scorpio: It’s fine to chase your dreams. Once they buy a motorbike and zoom off, however, you’ll need to re-think your strategy. Offer up some gas money so you can share the ride.

Sagittarius:  You’ll catch a break this week, but it won’t be easy. Wear gloves and use a net, because the lucky breaks bite. Karma kibbles or some bread crumbs will keep it happy enough to stay with you for a little while, too.

Capricorn: The best things in life are free: a child’s hug, a sunset, and watching your ex trip on the sidewalk. By the way, what are you going to do with the rest of those banana peels?

Aquarius: Other people float their dreams on the wind, but you twist yours into psychotic little balloon animals and train them to attack. If you can send them after people who forward those fake chain emails, you may have a business plan.

Pisces: You are the Slinky of the emotional world. You’re all bouncy and fun , but if someone pulls on you too hard, you’ll snap back and take off an ear. After that, you’ll be free to frolic down the stairs as you wish.

Aries: Your cup runneth over, yet all you can think about is the wet carpet. Relax and enjoy your blessings; maybe you’ll get a ShamWow for Christmas.

Taurus: Nothing says ‘love’ like diamonds. But if your wallet has gone mute, settle for a cola and a burger. Cheap dates are more fun and those diamond necklaces talk too much anyway.

Gemini: You finally become fed up with a sticky situation on Friday, and you take matters into your own hands. Patience is a virtue, but chasing someone around with a sharpened candy cane just feels good.

Cancer: If the answer is blowin’ in the wind, imagine what it would do for a Klondike bar. Ask a few skanky questions until you find out, and your week will perk up considerably.

Leo: You thought you were following the Yellow Brick Road; turns out you’ve been tracking a pack of sled dogs and drunk football fans through the snow. Get back on track while Oz is still in sight.

Virgo: It’s fine to be organized, but you’ve even labeled your labelmakers and filed them according to size. Get out of the house before you start alphabetizing the shows on your DVR. Go have a drink; alcohol usually fixes any nasty problems with orderliness.

Libra: If you’re going to sit on Santa’s lap in that outfit, at least make it quick so he doesn’t have anything embarrassing to explain to the reindeer. On the bright side, you could get a load of goodies in your stocking this year.

Scorpio: You know there are more fish in the sea, you’re just afraid they’re all hammerhead sharks. Be brave and dangle your tackle in the water anyway; you could score a sleek, sexy eel. If the moon hits your eye, it could be a-moray.

Sagittarius: Good news, your boss says you can come back to work once the hallucinations have stopped. If you want a paycheck, you should really quit painting mustaches on yourself with White-out.

Capricorn: Some people wait for their prince or princess, but not you. If you’re going to build your booty call in true Weird Science-style, remember to buy lots of batteries.

Aquarius: Beauty isn’t always in the eye of the beholder; sometimes it’s just in the touch. Grab your sweetie and set aside a weekend for the laying on of hands so you both can feel beautiful. Sweaty, but beautiful.

Pisces: You’re not used to smooth sailing, which may be why you’re flapping around in the water like an agitated seal. Relax. There’s no need to make waves, the universe has plenty in stock.

Aries: You can’t expect a starring role in every play that comes along, but you should at least have a speaking part in your own life. Go diva on someone’s ass and you’ll get that star on the door. Also possibly a giant make-up puff in the face.

Taurus: You have the attention span of a concussed Kardashian and the work ethic of a serial killer. Sounds like you’re about ready to launch a career in politics. Say all your crazy stuff up front so we know who you are.

Gemini: Music may be the food of life, but revenge makes a delightful dessert. Serve it iced with chocolate, caramel and a straw; someone’s getting a Thwappucino.

Cancer: True beauty doesn’t exist in airbrushed model photos. It lives in a sunset, a child’s smile when you turn on the Disney Channel and being able to pee in peace with the door closed. Enjoy your moment of beauty.

Leo: The only time it’s not good to have all the lights on you is during a manhunt. Otherwise, ham it up, enjoy the spotlight and watch for helicopters.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, and someone else has the perfect beat. You may not make beautiful music together, but at least you’ll burn a few calories and hours. Your attitude will thank you in the morning.

Libra: Even the quiet moments in life have something to teach us. Namely, don’t fall asleep after you’ve bought the kids the mega-variety pack of markers. You look like a member of KISS after a three-day bender.

Scorpio: Life isn’t for the timid. You have to grab it, goose it and shake it up a bit to make it dazzling. Fortunately, life rarely fills out a restraining order. It’s kinky like that.

Sagittarius: Confucius said it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you don’t stop. Sounds like he battled a few Black Friday crowds, too. Be careful if you plan to use some kung fu moves to land that cheap TV, because security cams catch everything these days.

Capricorn: If you play to win you get a trophy; play to lose, a payoff. But if you play to confuse, then you experience to joy of watching everyone’s befuddlement. Have a hearty laugh at their expense, and be prepared when they kick you off the team.

Aquarius: Forget chocolates: life is more like a basket of lollipops. Some will suck and others will end up stuck in your hair. Every now and then, you’ll find one that tastes just right.

Pisces: Others view you as hapless Charlie Brown, but in reality, you’re the kite in the tree. You may not be flying right now, but you can see your house from up there. Get ready for a gust to take you even higher.

Aries: Life can’t be defined by the bright shining moments. The times when you stub your toe in the dark and hop around on one foot until you find the spilled Legos, that’s when you learn something. Get ready for some knowledge on Thursday.

Taurus: What needs to be done and what you can get away with are two separate levels, but on Wednesday you’ll have to suck it up and do your job. Don’t worry, Bravo TV will still be there when you’re done.

Gemini: You’ve always done well on the kicking butt section, but you’re a little iffy on the taking names portion. Either get an assistant or quit sending personalized get-well cards afterward.

Cancer: Lately you’ve treated your sex appeal like a quart of Ben & Jerry’s left in the closet: it’s a great thing gone to waste, and now the carpet is kinda sticky. Steam-vac yourself and work that mojo. Someone’s got a spoon and is ready to scoop you up.

Leo: If you can’t be the best this week, strive to be the weird kid in the corner. Sometimes just being remembered is enough to make you noteworthy, just don’t over-do the body piercings, or you’ll whistle in the wind.

Virgo: Not everything is about you, but you’re starting to think perhaps it should be. Step back for a moment before you go full-on diva, because maintaining that drama queen status requires focus, commitment and no weekends off.

Libra: It may take a grizzled prospector and two pick-axes to bring out the best in you, but there is a heart of gold in there. Once you find it, try not to pawn it for jewelry or a new X-box.

Scorpio: You’re about to receive a lot of compliments and kudos for your hard work. Take them in stride, otherwise your ego will inflate so fast, it could be used as a annoying balloon outside a car dealership.

Sagittarius: You will receive a surprise in the mail on Friday. Stay calm, you probably aren’t a winner, but at least you can get a good discount on some naughty magazines.

Capricorn: Relax. There’s nothing wrong with you that a day off, a raise, and a complete personality makeover can’t fix. Until that happens, go ahead and wear your tin foil hat just so people are properly warned.

Aquarius: You’ve been going to your happy place so much, you have a permanent seat on the bus. Stop the commute and live in this reality for a while; you can trade in those frequent traveler miles for a new outlook.

Pisces: Drawing fine lines between emotions isn’t for you; your lines look like they were drawn by a chicken on crack. Quit allowing yourself to be defined by someone else’s brush and paint your own bizarre pictures.


Aries: You can teach an old dog new tricks, but that won’t keep him from sniffing someone else’s butt. If you truly want to keep his nose clean, get a leash.

Taurus: There’s a big opportunity coming up, but you’ll have to take a risk to get it. Remember to jump on the trampoline with your feet together, and don’t get your head stuck in the tree. Failure may be hilarious, but success would be a welcome change.

Gemini: Sometimes joy is like the prize in a Cracker Jack box: it gets smaller as the years go by. Get ready for a retro shot of awesomeness on Friday, because what you pull out of the popcorn will be worth its weight in gold.

Cancer: Consider Thursday a bacon-wrapped hug from the universe, dangling with cupcakes and telling you that you look like you’ve lost weight. Yes, it will be that good.

Leo: You have no problem lighting up the world, but people would appreciate it if you installed a dimmer switch. It’s hard to sleep next to a 100-watt disco ball, especially if there’s no Lady Gaga music involved.

Virgo: Quit looking for a sign from the universe; sometimes all you need is a postcard from your own brain. Clean out that mental mailbox and toss those old issues of the Weekly World News so the message can get through.

Libra: Nothing says “I care” like an exquisitely handcrafted piece of diamond jewelry. Thankfully, you don’t care that much, so just send a muffin basket and an envelope of temporary tattoos. It’s the thought that almost counts.

Scorpio: You can’t always be the good guy, but you don’t have to twirl your mustache and look for train tracks, either. Aim for “slightly deranged hipster” and you should hit the mark. Don’t stand still, though: there are other folks aiming for hipsters, too.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing in this world that can’t be fixed with good food, good wine and good pharmaceuticals. If you can’t swing that, you might as well have Thanksgiving dinner with your family.

Capricorn: Keep following the path you’re on and you’ll be like a penguin in a Speedo: odd and unnecessary. Ditch the butt floss and see if there’s any spare dignity on the rack in your size.

Aquarius: Part of being fabulous is embracing your flaws. Does anyone give Chuck Norris crap about that hair? Not to his face, they don’t. Be who you are, ferret ears, big feet and all. Work it, baby!

Pisces: Sometimes you don’t need the key to life to be happy, all you need is a good set of lock picks or know which window universe leaves unlocked. A car hanger works too, if you left your inner joy running and accidentally shut the door.

Aries: Your booty must be filled with jelly, because jam would be very sticky and you’d be covered in ants. Better yet, get rid of the jellybutt, and go for a tuckus made from memory foam.  Wear something non-clingy after the weekend, so no one sees the imprint of what you did.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: There is beauty in every moment, but it’s hard to see when you’re doing your own colonoscopy with your head. Pull out, wash your face and appreciate the world around you. Bet your friends and family will be thrilled to see you talking out of your mouth for a change.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: Holding people up to your standards means you’ll be disappointed. Not everyone can achieve your level of awesomeness, so give them a six-pack of chances before kicking their butts.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Perhaps a janitor with a licorice addiction can be paid off. Play to win, baby.

Libra: Sometimes bright ideas are meant to fizzle and crash like meteorites streaking through the sky. Let yours go and move on, before someone thinks it’s a UFO and calls the Men in Black.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: Finders may be keepers, but losers aren’t always weepers, especially if they installed a tracking chip in your head. Get those stitches checked out, because you might need a restraining order against a certain angsty, sparkling vampire.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: It’s been a long, stressful year and you’re ready for some quiet relaxation. Switch your TiVo programming from “Walking Dead” and “Homeland” to a “Gilligan’s Island” marathon. There’s a good nap.

Aries: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but you have the chance to slip several in while no one’s looking this week. Cram in the positive karma so you won’t be a cricket or a Kardashian in your next life.

Taurus: Some days you don’t need all the answers, you only need to talk fast enough to keep people distracted. Warm up that motormouth and open your forgotten gift of gab.

Gemini: People think you’re quiet, but they don’t realize when you sit alone and look thoughtful, you’re just listening to all the voices in your head. On Tuesday, your dual nature will tag-team you out of a peculiar situation.

Cancer: Life is a buffet and you keep picking at a plate of croutons. Take a chance and try the salmon. Even if it doesn’t work, you meet new people in the bathroom while you deal with the food poisoning.

Leo: You think you’re just focused, but those around you feel like an ant under glass in the sun. Back up and listen on Thursday; someone else’s day in the sun shouldn’t disintegrate them.

Virgo: You must go through a lot of wrong steps to learn all the right moves, so shake that booty and put your own spin on Friday. Forget dancing like no one is watching; just dance like no one cares.

Libra: Each problem is a blessing to make you wiser. Watch out for Monday, because you’ll be blessed right off the map. On Tuesday, you’ll be smart enough to never do that again.

Scorpio: Ready for a change of pace? You’re about to go from a slow jog to a “oh-my-god-there’s-a-tiger-behind-me” run. Wear your track shoes and keep some kitty treats in your pocket.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the best, you only have to be good enough and annoying enough so people will want you yet leave you alone. That’s the true key to success.

Capricorn: If you were truly meant to fly, you would have been born with a birthmark in the shape of a boarding pass and a transparent skin so the TSA could see through you.  Go ahead and take the bus, so you can meet all kinds of new, interesting and vaguely worrisome people.

Aquarius: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can keep your ex-spouses quiet. Enjoy your peace, even if you can’t afford a TV. There’s nothing on, anyway.

Pisces:  You keep looking for something right around the corner. If you follow enough corners, you end up where you started. Quit obsessing about 90-degree angles and create your own triumph out in the open.

Aries: When the universe throws you the ball, grab it and run toward the goal. Don’t worry if you score for the other team; at least you’ll get an “Awww” from the audience for trying your best. Unless, of course, you’re a grown-ass person. Then  you’ll be smacked in the head with soda cups.

Taurus: Your conscience and your secret desires are clashing so hard, you’ll experience some emotional chafing. Air out those problems before you start thinking funny and need medicated powder for your brain.

Gemini: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but they definitely see you coming in that outfit. One of you has spent a little too much time on the rack. Next time, seek professional help with your retail therapy.

Cancer: You’ll receive a message from beyond on Thursday. It will likely be from your mother-in-law, who’s beyond reason. Set your crystal ball to voicemail, and you’ll be fine.

Leo: Some are born to lead, others are born to follow, and a few exist just to drive slowly and make you late for work.  Take a deep breath and relax. You can’t let your head explode now, you just had the car detailed.

Virgo: Feeling dizzy, disoriented and a little nauseated? There’s a reason it’s called “falling” in love; mainly because the feeling closely resembles taking a header down the stairs. Bubble-wrap your heart before it’s too late.

Libra: What you do with the chicken is your business, but if you’re going to dress it up in a French maid outfit, forget the tiny feather duster. That’s just humiliating.

Scorpio: You have the chance to impress someone important on Friday. Bide your time, and know when to keep your fly and your lip zipped. There will be time later to let both run free.

Sagittarius: Playing games with the universe? You’ll be lucky if you only lose half your pieces, the dog swallows one of the dice and someone vomits on the board. Challenge karma to a hand of cards instead.

Capricorn: If you’re tired of getting your kite stuck in a tree, tie your string to something a little more substantial. An F-15 Eagle would be about right, and your loved ones would enjoy the vacation from your whining.

Aquarius: You’re old enough to know that life doesn’t give you lemons. It enrolls you in a fruit-of-the-month club, double-charges you for Tanzanian sunrise oranges, and then presents you with lemons. Consider yourself lucky; some folks just receive an expired packet of lemon juice.

Pisces: Achieving your dreams is easy: that just requires a full classroom, you and your underwear. Reaching goals takes a bit more work and far less social anxiety medication afterward. It’s your choice.

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