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 Aries: You’re feeling pulled in different directions, and realizing Tug o’War is no fun when you’re the rope. Time to slink away, coil up with Netflix and soothe those threadbare ends before someone stretches you out of shape.

Taurus: Someone close thinks your job has no point, but you believe you’re nailing it. Check your process before you swing that hammer again; instead of building an empire, you may just be thumping away without the hardware.

Gemini: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Westworld marathon.

Leo: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.

Virgo:  On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Libra: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

Scorpio: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.

Sagittarius: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.

Capricorn: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks.  Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.

Aquarius: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Pisces: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

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