Aries: You light up a room with your smile, but carrying around that generator to power your dental work is tough on your back. Switch to LED bulbs and slap some solar panels on your butt; your crowd-dazzling grin will last until the next cloudy day.

Taurus: Finally, you’ve set off for an epic journey! Too bad you’ve fallen into haunted well five feet from the starting line. Climb out and keep going, otherwise a weird, long-haired ghost will pop out of nowhere and demand you add her to your LinkedIn network.

Gemini: The truth may not be pretty, but you can fix that with a hand full of dollar store makeup and the right Snapchat filter.  No one will care about your words when your contour game is strong enough for your own YouTube channel.

Cancer: All eyes are on you, so you can be a movie star or a potato. Either way, you’re going to need a thicker skin. Don’t hide in the corner too long, though, or you could start sprouting in odd places.

Leo: Redeem yourself with someone you love this week. If you’re really lucky, your sweetie offers double coupons. Good thing you keep that handheld barcode scanner next to the baby oil.

Virgo: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Libra: The best revenge isn’t living well; it’s forgetting your enemies’ names and accidentally thinking they are ushers at your high school reunion. Their stares will last a few minutes, but your smile will hang around for years.

Scorpio: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Sagittarius: You think you’re hot and spicy, but you’re really just raisins in someone’s potato salad: tasteless and cringe-inducing. Find yourself a better recipe, and everyone will want a bite of you.

Capricorn:  For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.

Aquarius: You’re not more accomplished when you burn the candle at both ends. You’re just slumped over with wax stuck to your pants. Avoid the awkward stares at the cleaner’s and get some rest.

Pisces: For weeks, each day has been like a song stuck in your head: the same refrain, again and again. Time to write your own tune. Remember to add in three monkeys on percussion and a kazoo orchestra to really give it some zing.

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