Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: You feel fit as a fiddle, but your dedication to pizza and wine is slowly turning you into a bassoon. Don’t worry about it; someone appreciates your curves, and you’re good as long as you can fit into the orchestra pit.

Taurus: Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry until snot runs down your shirt, and you’ll have the entire train car to yourself. A little public humiliation is a small price to pay for a quiet commute on Thursday.

Gemini: Everybody’s talking about which came first, the chicken or the egg, and you’re just wondering who built the nest. Keep thinking outside the bock-bock-bock-box, and you’ll rule the henhouse.

Cancer: No good deed goes unpunished; so do something nice for charity this week, and on Saturday night you’ll see your honey in high heels carrying the ping pong paddles. Honey always beats the pants off you in that game.

Leo: You may feel tenser than a rubber sheet stretched out on the clothesline, but don’t worry. After you’ve aired your grievances, Wednesday will shake you out and take you inside for a nice fluff and fold.

Virgo: You should have re-thought your plan before you snuck into the boss’ office with a pair of roller skates, five tarantulas and a mirror ball, but now’s not the time to question your plan. Just kidding. Question it a lot, because it’s hard to support disco tarantulas on unemployment.

Libra: It’s fine to indulge in some deep thought, just don’t lose your footing and get lost splashing in the current. Next time you dive into your own mind, wear flippers and a snorkel.

Scorpio: Every dog has its day, but the rest of the wildlife own the nighttime. Slap on that eye makeup and shake out that tail, because it’s time to waddle your raccoon butt over to the afterparty behind the dumpster.

Sagittarius: Someone’s demanding you make a decision, but you don’t want to choose. Instead, tell them you can have it all. It may not happen, but you’ll have an exciting week while you try.

Capricorn: If everything looks set in stone, it’s because you’re staring at a wall. Opportunity will tap you on the shoulder Monday. Turn around and head into a new direction, but check your shoelaces often. You don’t want to trip over a new success.

Aquarius: A relative is trying to tick off your internal clock, but you went digital years ago. Hit the snooze button and ignore them. Your dreams are far more fun with 100 percent more David Hasselhoff and zero percent nagging.

Pisces: It’s hard to know when you’re in the zone, because you never see any road signs. Program directions to that productive sweet spot on Google Maps, so you’ll know how to find it again. Otherwise, you’ll just keep circling frustration and the McDonald’s drive-thru.

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