Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Right now you’re feeling a lot like a Slinky: all stretched out and continually falling down stairs. Pull yourself together. Sometimes it’s good to have your spring wound a little tight.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. If your co-worker throws your lunch away again, get your tools ready.

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current mood, except for the pounds you’re putting on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie, go outside and see what people who wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of medical conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: When Thursday comes, you’ll either learn one shocking secret or a weird old trick. Pick either one, because the true lesson is don’t believe those clickbait ads.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. You’ll save on dog food, but Fido might need a diet plan.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

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