Flickr/MK Feeney

Aries: Luck won’t be a lady for you, but it could turn up as an argumentative turtle or an interesting lamp. Keep your eyes open and rub everything, just in case.

Taurus: Know your strengths; your uncanny ability to predict traffic light changes can be named John, while your obsessive knowledge of all things Star Wars should be called Carrie. Just don’t listen to them when they insist on getting their own credit cards.

Gemini: Finders keepers, losers weep on a local TV talk show, go viral, and write a book about their experience that earns them a million dollars. So, you’re good either way. Enjoy Tuesday.

Cancer: If no one believes in your cockeyed plan, tilt your head to the left while talking about it. That will set them straight and you’ll soon see eye-to-eye.

Leo: Some days the world sends you a marching band to keep your attitude bright. Other days, you only get the world’s smallest violin. On Thursday, one dude with a tuba follows you everywhere, so roll with it and invent a new dance.

Virgo: Someone in your life thinks you’re all bark and no bite. Show them one extra trick by loading up on cabbage and chili, turning around and releasing the kraken of fartstorms.

Libra: This Friday, you’ll be the dryer sheet of the office: you reduce static between departments, and people think you smell nice. Hit the boss up for a raise before he throws you in with another load.

Scorpio: Lower your relationship goals. Instead of demanding a romantic weekend, you just need someone who won’t pick your favorite toppings off the pizza. Instead of bonding in matrimony, you’ll be bonded in pepperoni.

Sagittarius: Your family thinks your head is in the clouds, but that means you can see when the next storm is brewing. Tell them to be nicer to you, otherwise they could face lightning bolts on the golf course.

Capricorn: Only you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and step in dog doo. Forget scraping it out with a stick, you now need a new pair of shoes for them and you. Next time you want to understand a person, avoid the dog park.

Aquarius: You’re a Sudoku in a room of crossword puzzles: you’re almost at home, but something  doesn’t add up. Stretch outside your box and learn some new words. Soon you’ll be speaking the same language.

Pisces: This weekend you finally let go of your stress, which means you’ve released more energy than the Hoover Dam. Tell everyone to don their party hats and plug in, because things are about to get lit.

 

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