Aries: Slow your roll, and put the brakes on that biscuit as well. Take a time out from baking for a little while. If you want to see something rise, watch the news while measuring your blood pressure.

Taurus: You have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that thing living under your bed. Be brave and call it out, before it eats the rest of your socks and starts toe-nibbling.

Gemini: You’ve worked hard to get where you are, but someone’s always riding your back. Tell them if they’re going to stay up there, they can give you a shoulder rub and fix your hair.

Cancer: Appreciate the small things in life, like flowers blooming, birds singing, and your paycheck. Maybe if you dump enough manure on your boss, that check will grow, too.

Leo: Your roar is legendary, but no one hears you purr anymore. Claw your way to a happy place this weekend and give it a try. You’ll sound like a city bus stuck in a garbage disposal, but you’ll get better with practice.

Virgo: The Loch Ness Monster, an elf and Bigfoot are all elusive, but they’re easier to find than your dignity after what you did Saturday night. Take a bow and lay low for a few weekends, at least until someone power-washes the piano.

Libra: Some take the road less traveled, but you’re done with hiking after that poison ivy incident. It’s okay, take that hot air balloon. You’ll see sights far and above what the regular people experience, and you’ll remind them of it every chance you get.

Scorpio: You’re over-thinking a problem. It’s not rocket science, just a few firecrackers wrapped up in a baloney omelet. Defuse it, and you won’t end up with egg on your face.

Sagittarius: All work and no play makes you more tightly wound than a broken clock. Know why angels dance on the head of a pin? It’s a tiny disco ball. Find some fun this weekend and bring the angels along for the ride.

Capricorn: Your life moves faster than a fidget spinner, but eventually you’ll slow down and go out of style. Update yourself with a gimmick that lasts: star in a video with baby sloths. That will keep your cred going for months.

Aquarius: Tomorrow’s a new day, and you won’t even need the receipt. Send in that warranty card, though; Karma’s mailing list offers lots of cool prizes. Cross your fingers for that flying car.

Pisces: You may be under the weather, but don’t worry. Your submarine is stocked with frozen pizzas, beer and wifi. While the storm rages above, you’re comfy with new seasons of Queer Eye and The Bachelor until it’s time for smooth sailing again.

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