Aries: You can fly like an eagle, or crap on cars like a pigeon. One is a lofty goal, but the other means you’ll always be entertained. Plus, you can steal tacos from picnics, so that’s a double win.

Taurus: A watched pot never boils, but no one needs to watch you; your highest speed is a low simmer. Crank up the heat on Saturday and steam up some kitchen windows.

Gemini: An opportunity on Thursday doesn’t look like much, but it’s the inside that counts. The sweet, gold-layered, jackpot inside. Sometimes the best rewards wear the ugliest clothes.

Cancer: You know what you want, now how are you going to get it? Forget all those crazy plans and go with something reliable, like a trained ferret, a walkie-talkie and a six-foot-tall bag of cheddar flavored popcorn.

Leo: Being the center of attention is your natural state, but this Tuesday you’ll get better reception if you step two feet to the left. It’s okay, the lighting is better there and you’ll look even more awesome.

Virgo: On Monday, your life is indeed like a box of chocolates. Every time you grab a new piece, someone’s thumb has already been inside. Go ahead and enjoy it anyway; at least you’re smart enough to not eat the Tide pods.

Libra: You’re so used to taking one step forward and two steps back, that’s how you walk now. It’s handy for dance moves, but makes crossing the street a challenge. Find a Boy Scout to spot you for the next few days.

Scorpio: Not every challenge requires you to suit up and charge at it. Sometimes you need to slide into someone’s messages and charm your way past. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and polish up that chain mail.

Sagittarius: You may be bored at home, but if you visit the cathouse, you’ll spend a long, cold time in the doghouse. Behave yourself, or sweetie may break out that shock collar again.

Capricorn: Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Chickens hate to miss out on math problems, it’s one of their favorite hobbies aside from chasing you around the barnyard. After they’re hatched, though, feel free to ask them to do your taxes.

Aquarius: Some situations come down to a roll of the dice, but forget Vegas; your future is being determined by a group of D&D players. Throw the karmic dungeonmaster off his game by rescuing the dragon. You’ll blow the Universe’s nerdy mind.

Pisces: Fear is like a cloud of bloodthirsty mosquitoes, draining you and making you itchy. Time to break out the bug spray and head for higher ground. It’s amazing what you’ll accomplish without that constant buzzing around your head.

 

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