Aries: The days may feel short and dark, but there’s a brighter tomorrow around the bend. Keep on the path, and don’t step on any Legos. You don’t want to hop and cuss into your lovely, shiny future.

Taurus: You know the music, but it’s time for some new steps. Get out there and shake your groove thang in an exciting and different way. It doesn’t matter if people laugh; at least they notice you.

Gemini: The new year is coming, and you don’t have a single goal to wear. Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy in your zero-resolution sweatpants. While everyone’s working out at the gym, all the ice cream will be yours.

Cancer: You’ve never been the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but you do see the appeal of love ‘em and hide from ‘em in the garage. Pro tip: the wi-fi signal is pretty good out there.

Leo: You could listen to wisdom, but where’s the fun in that? Get the opinion of the guy on the corner wearing a trashcan helmet and making “vroom vroom” sounds. He seems to know all the strangest answers.

Virgo: This year may have worn you down like a pack of caffeinated squirrels, but you still have a bit of hope in your heart, and some chocolate in your pocket. Congratulations, you just won 2017.

Libra: Others may want you to fly like an eagle, but you know your true self is to hop around and mock others like a self-satisfied crow in the yard. Who needs lofty heights when you have a world of free entertainment around you?

Scorpio: You may feel light-headed, but the bulb is definitely burned out. Switch to a high-beam LED replacement, and your “Aha!” moments will be much brighter, even if all that light shows how dirty your mind really is.

Sagittarius: Someone’s decided to be the dog doo floating in your fruit punch. Dump the bowl over their head and pass out vodka -infused juice boxes instead. Your party is one thing they can’t ruin.

Capricorn: Some people shine bright like a diamond, and others are interesting like a rare fossil. You’re more like the rock thrown through someone’s window by a crabby neighbor. You fly well, but you should work on your message.

Aquarius: You don’t need New Year’s resolutions; you’re awesome the way you are. Share that with your co-workers by suggesting how they could improve themselves. There will be only a 33 percent chance they’ll slash your tires and your time card.

Pisces:  Celebrate, because your groove is finally back! Duct tape a tracking device to it so if you lose it again, you can just clap your hands and listen for the beep.