Aries: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the secret handshake? Limber up those fingers before your next promotion review and show them what you got. Just don’t use the one gesture that landed you in traffic court.

Taurus: There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. Right now, though, your mind is more like an open potato chip bag than a steel trap. Work on it, so it will snap at the right time.

Gemini: This week, you get the extra special rare package of rainbows and a pot of gold if you know where to look. So stop checking out that cutie’s butt and listen to the leprechaun tugging at your sleeve.

Cancer: No one likes a smarty pants, but there are no rules about having clever socks or a brain-enhanced shirt. Put on your thinking cap when you shop, so you’ll know what to match.

Leo: In the middle of a rainy day, the sun shines bright only on you. Slap on the sunscreen and enjoy it, but be prepared when someone tries to smack you with their soggy umbrella.

Virgo: That month-long Netflix binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.

Libra: The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.

Scorpio: Stop what you’re doing; you may like it, but the penguin has other ideas. Next time, look a little harder for a date who has a tuxedo before agreeing to go to your cousin’s wedding.

Sagittarius: You think you know all the answers, but who has the right questions? Seek out a drunk philosopher, or ask a toddler when they wake you up at 5 a.m. You’ll get all the questions you can handle.

Capricorn: Life is an uphill battle, and a downhill slide. You need to be in the middle, selling swords, shields, sleds and hot cocoa to both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming or going when you’re making enough to retire on.

Aquarius: One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your phone to avoid “Now who’s THAT guy?” from your sweetie.

Pisces: You’ve never been a Barbie or a Ken; you’re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your particular brand of crazy this week.

 

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