Aries: Just when you come up for air, a seagull bombs your head. Poo bombs may be good luck, but they really screw with your hairdo. Dogpaddle toward land and you’ll be out of the line of fire.

Taurus: When you don’t get what you want, it’s called experience. When you do get what you want, it’s called luck. When you get what someone else wants, it’s called opportunity. But first, you’re entitled to one free chant of “neener neener.”

Gemini: In the book of life, you’re a dog-eared page with some Diet Coke spilled on it. You may stick to everything that comes your way, but at least you know you contain someone’s favorite words.

Cancer: Your boss doesn’t appreciate all those late hours you’re putting in. Next time, do some actual work at your desk, instead of re-creating a casino buffet in Minecraft.

Leo: There’s joy in every moment, once you know how to squeeze it out. A garlic press works, or you can let the dog sit on it, as long as you don’t mind using a lint roller on your happiness to get the fur off.

Virgo: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield, but on Tuesday the world aims lower and you’re picking Texas-sized mosquitoes out of your grill. Try to keep your mouth closed the rest of the week.

Libra: No one appreciates your talents, but that’s because they’ve never seen a solar-powered butt warmer with pinwheels and wi-fi before. If they don’t fall down laughing, give them a brochure. They could become an investor.

Scorpio: Wednesday will be like a roll of tape. Once you finally get it started, it’s useful for a few minutes. After that, you get it stuck on your shoe and drag it around until you go to bed.

Sagittarius: You wish life would give you lemons. Right now it’s only giving you rock-hard Tootsie Rolls that have been in someone’s purse for ten years. Be grateful it’s not giving you old, unwrapped cough drops.

Capricorn: The best things in life aren’t free, but they are fifteen percent off because you found a great coupon in the parking lot. Use it on double coupon days and you’ll enjoy a very self-satisfied bowl of shredded wheat.

Aquarius: Enjoying fall is great, but you should stick to autumn-themed lattes and pastries. Using pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream or salted caramel foot fungus spray will just earn you dirty looks in the locker room.

Pisces: New opportunities open like blooming flowers in front of you, but you’re worried one will be a Venus Flytrap with an appetite. Enjoy the bouquet, but pack some weed killer in your pocket.

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